FINALLY went grocery shopping

for the first time since we got back from our trip. Love having fresh fruit and veggies in the house. Also bought Ezekiel Golden Flax cereal which is deliciously earthy and grainy. I'm eating it by itself because I'm strange like that, but I bet it would be even more delicious with yogurt and fresh berries. I love that sprouted whole wheat grain is it's first ingredient. Apparently sprouted whole wheat is caught just before it blooms into the full wheat stalk and has less gluten than fully bloomed wheat.

Another of my all time faves is Annie Chun's Miso Soup. So quick, easy, and incredibly healthy. And Wal-mart has it for Wal-mart prices. Our local grocery store, HEB, doesn't actually carry it, which is strange. I also bought their Udon flavor, as those are the only two flavors they carry.

Amongst my favorite options of food to have in the house is tons of fresh fruit and veggies. Today was red, yellow, and orange bell pepper, cucumbers, avocado, broccoli, baby organic carrots in a cute snack pack, cauliflower, honeycrisp apples, blackberries, raspberries, bananas, and purple and green grapes. As soon as the boys got home I made sure they stuffed themselves full of baby carrots, cucumbers, avocado, and bell pepper to make up for all the junk they've been eating and lack of fresh fruits and veggies.

For after-school snacks, it's a different story. Though we do the veggie option when I have it available, I like to make sure I have somewhat wholesome (okay, not at all, but they have main ingredients that let me pretend they are, any way) snacks that will stay around for as long as I have them. The boys take a snack to school that they eat mid-morning and have a snack as soon as they get home in the afternoon. And, believe me, they need it. I've tried going without snacks and can we just say meltdown city. I try to expand my horizons on these, because I am SO nit pickily healthy I can tend to keep the options super limited. My attempt at branching out included Ritz Garden Vegetable crackers with cheese - the multi grain makes me feel better and I like that the first ingredient is whole grain wheat flour and not some bleached or enriched version of flour,

Scrabble Cheeze-Its - I remember eating Cheez-Its as a kid and though enriched flour is the first ingredient the fact that they have real white cheddar cheese listed as an ingredient kinda makes up for it,

Fig Newtons - this was a childhood staple for me and I continue to love them possibly because figs are the third ingredient,

and Nutter Butters - the real peanut butter bit makes it a passable snack for my kiddos.

Wal-mart has these all in convenient packages ready to grab and go for school. I used to be a snack nazi and never allow my kids to have snacks, which turns out doesn't work really well when you have growing boys. Now I try to limit it but not be too strict that they don't get the energy their body needs when their hungry, which is essentially at all times of the day, thus the scheduled two snacks a day : ) .

This time I also bought Capri Suns 100% juice. Although I used to drink their sugar laden juices when I was a kid, I have been a Capri Sun nazi for my kids without waver, except at birthday parties or sports events. Now, I'm caving and getting their 100% juice, due to my recently enlightened knowledge of the importance of fluids in our diet.

Ugh, I just realized I fell victim to seeing "nutritious" on the label and thinking that meant it was so and mistakenly bought Capri Sun's Sunrise Juice as well, where sugar is the second ingredient. Lesson learned.

In the area of yogurt I can also tend to turn my nose up at the kid friendly packaging with all the sugars surrounding them. I have caved on Danimals Yogurts, though, as the ingredients seem the same as Yoplait's, and the sugar content no more, if not less.

I did get a few full-on health guru snacks like pistachios and dried un-sulphured apples as well.

To round it out, I got deli fresh Boar's Head Lemon Pepper Chicken and Oven Roasted turkey, along with my Le Tortilla Factory Wheat Tortillas

and Red Pepper Hummus for me along with the first two items I mentioned. Yum.

Deep, Dark Place and Silver Linings

I just spent the last fifteen minutes sobbing into my pillow like I did when I found out I was pregnant, and when I found out the guy didn't actually love me.

A simple, stupid thing was the straw on the camel's back that sent me spiraling down. The boys woke up this morning and asked if they could watch a movie on netflix through the tv. Brando said no. I told Brando I usually let them if they have everything done. So Brando said, "If you have everything done, then go ahead." Shawners had everything done like the organized little boy he is, but of course Justinbustin didn't. So when I got up to take them to school I asked Justinbustin if he'd brushed his teeth and he said, "Yes, well, yes. No." So then I harped on him for lying and the morning went downhill from there. He brushed his teeth, but then we were about to be late to drop them off for school, and sped out the door while he forgot his poster that's due today. It was actually due a week ago but he got an extension because of our trip. We are in the midst of trying to make sure he makes his own choices this week with school work and keeping track of everything and now I feel like I've let him down by taking him back home to get his poster.

It went way too far down from there and I got stuck in the guilty spiral that led me to lashing out at him, at Brando, at myself, which all led to the sobs. This on top of the pain I'm STILL feeling in my back and my arm. Today I feel like I just want to take muscle relaxants and sleep and not feel the pain for once. Of course, I'm not going to. I hate putting drugs in my body. But in the meantime my body is tense and stressed because I am sick of feeling the pain. At this point I don't know if I am in as much pain as I used to be in and I'm just working through it because the chiro tells me it's okay pain, or I'm just sore and this will get better. I don't know, and it overwhelms me.

And I'm worried I'm doing Justinbustin wrong by being so hard on him about academia. Academia is stupid if you don't have morals and character. His biological father was brilliant, and a genius. But he had no character, and therefore he has no impact, he is nothing. I'm worried I'm not building Justinbustin's character by coming down hard on him about schoolwork. At the same time, his teacher rated him 'poor' for taking responsibility for his own decisions on Monday, so I wonder if I make too many excuses for him out of fear that he will become what I despised about his biological. I wonder if I perpetuate the problem by taking responsibility myself for anything he does wrong instead of just letting him learn from his mistakes.

I'm on the fence and don't know which side to jump to. I feel like one side has angry pit bulls and the other side has angry Dobermans. I don't know which side is the wise choice.

I want him to take responsibility for his own choices, but I DON'T want him to think schoolwork is important above all else. A family is important above all else, and that's it. Nothing else. His poster he forgot today was for a project where he helped a family out this weekend by moving rocks and piles of dirt to create a water barrier for the mother's bedroom because it got flooded in the tropical storm we had last year. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom because the room flooded from water which got trapped underneath and the resulting mold was making her sick. So Justinbustin helped move dirt and rocks to finish up a previous group volunteer effort to protect the area when rains come again so that the room didn't flood again. I AM SO EFFEN PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT. These are the things that matter. Not his stupid teacher saying he doesn't take responsibility for his decisions. He takes responsibility for that. Okay, I am going to lunch with him today and telling him these things. And apologizing again for the awful thing I said to him this morning.

So I remember I need to remember the silver linings to all this. And I sobbed thinking of having to deal with the pain, these tough decisions, the aftermath whatever it is and will be, and all the while remember the silver linings.

The silver linings of my back: my arm is better!! After months of occupational therapy that fortunately didn't cost me hundreds of dollars unfortunately like this chiropractor is costing me, but also didn't work, my arm is better after seeing the chiropractor FINALLY. I didn't ever think life was going to feel semi-normal again with my arm, and now it has.

The silver linings of going through this growing pains with Justinbustin: Middle school *crossing fingers* should be easier if we can get this figured out in fifth grade. Just please God don't let me sabotage the process as long as it will build his character.

The silver linings of feeling like I'm constantly in pain: maybe the end is in sight? It's always so difficult and new in the beginning of everything and there's a very big push that has to happen to get through it, but it seems like the same thing happens in the end as well and you have to push through it. Maybe I have to push through this.

The silver lining of my arm: I stopped wasting time volunteering when I needed to be volunteering for my own family and for our own business.

Another silver lining of my back: In addition to my arm, when my back happened on top of it all, I realized I needed to stop wasting so much time with friends and invest that time with my family and our business. I say wasting time, but really, I just mean I'm learning, as my chiro says, "the power of no". I had to learn the power of no when I started hanging out with girlfriends - telling Brando no, and myself no to hanging out so much with him and saying yes to hanging out with girlfriends. Brando didn't care, but I did. And I reaped the rewards a hundredfold. Now, I have to learn the power of saying no to hanging out with girlfriends, and saying yes to hanging out with Brando and investing in our family and our business. Crossing fingers I reap the rewards of that as well.

Another silver lining of my back: I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. My abs are rock hard, and I've been running for the first time in my life. I don't know if I'm just working through the pain and it's really still the same or if I'm just sore from everything I've been doing and it's pain I'll get better from, but, regardless, I've never been in such good shape. It feels awesome, and I look awesome in the mirror.

The silver linings of going through this deep, dark place: I have all these realizations as a result. I have a thought of going to lunch with first Justinbustin, then Shawners, and making things right. I came up with a way to move forward from this deep, dark place, and with my day. This is something I usually am not able to do right away when this starts. I allowed myself to sob this morning, and put a pillow over me so that the neighbors didn't hear it, and that was cleansing as I thought through all these thoughts and came here to let them rest on paper so I can move forward to this day, and from this place.

Man, the devil likes to get footholds

But this is exactly the reason why I'm so delighted to be here right now.

A customer just got robbed in front of Brando's bank, setting them back from closing about an hour. The customer is okay it sounds like, and so are they, thank goodness.

It is time for us to start working on something that will take him out of the banking business, or at least direct contact at a store front.

On a Blogging Spree Today

So delighted that I am going to be home tonight and available when my hubby comes home and not rushing out the door like ships passing in the night.

FB Status

Got asked if I was Justinbustin's sister yesterday before Shawner's game, then told I didn't look a day over 18 and don't look like I could have any kids, much less one as big as Justinbustin. I told her thanks, I'm turning 30 this year so I totally appreciated she said that. Secretly inside I did one of those fist pulls you do when you're winning and said YES. The person even asked the guy behind me in line, "Seriously, doesn't she look 18?" I didn't turn around to see what he looked like, but I did hear him go, "Yup." as I walked out. Thanks, random person, for making my day.

Brando and I also got told we looked 18 and not old enough to have kids when we were in line at the security gate at the airport. That was the best wait in line at a security gate ever - the TSA agents kept coming up to the kids and chatting with them and giving them stickers, and the guy who said we didn't look 18 totally entertained the kids and chatted with us the whole time about his life in the Navy seals. Totally put a smile on my face.

I did it

Thanks to my chiro's suggestion to "do the hardest thing first" after I bawled my eyes out in front of him from stress of not wanting to deal with telling the girls' I don't want to do girls' night tonight and the strain my body is taking on itself as a result, I finally put it out there to the girls that I'm reclaiming my Monday nights for myself, my hubs, our boys, and our business, and not doing girls' night for awhile. Seriously, this guy is a catch, and pretty sure he's not married, so, Teagan, if you're reading this and want to come to Austin, I have somebody you need to talk to.

My email to Li to let her know:

So.... knowing you and knowing how well you know me, I'm sure you saw this coming. I won't be attending girls' night for the near future. My life has changed dramatically the last year and having these back issues shoved it in my face. Brando and I are wanting to get off the fence so to speak, and start a business. As well as I woke up one day and realized I have a middle schooler that's gone two nights out of the week, volunteering or gone camping on the weekend more often than not, and loaded with homework most afternoons. With Brando's new position having him work twelve hour days, there's not much time for all that we want to accomplish in addition to quality time together by ourselves, together with our boys, and with each boy separately. So I'm taking my Monday nights back. For now. I hope I'll be welcome if that situation changes : ) . I hope things have been going well for you guys on girls night. I've so been wanting to get together and talk to you face to face about it, but that hasn't happened. Let's make it happen soon?

Her reply to me:

omg yes! apparently i need to stop by and just listen to you talk about what the hecks been happening in your life!! what day and time-ish this wk works for you and i'll MAKE it work for me? :) love you miss you!!

and no, girls nights def not the same without our psd. we all miss you and don't feel our circles complete, but of course, we understand. :)

Eek

Going through my reader and marking all as read. Being away just put me too far behind and I am not about to spend my days catching up with all but the most important.

UGH Head Exploding

More confession time.

One of the benefits (drawbacks?) of being married to an AMAZING man for eleven years, especially one that pays all the bills, is I don't have to pay the bills. So when I pick up the bills today and try to knock out some of those pesky ones - toll tags, medical bills, now our HSA account card asking for receipt confirmation (I swear, they can't ever make something easy without making it hard on the back end), closing checking accounts that have now decided to arbitrarily charge a fee, my head feels like it's about to explode. I am SO glad he takes care of this stuff, but at the same time, shouldn't I be able to pay a bill or two without feeling like I'm going to lose it?

Confession Time

Do you ever get bored with leaving a comment? Like it starts getting too long because you have too much to say and then you just get bored with trying to cut stuff out and not leave the comment at all. Or, you attempt to leave a comment and you have to go through that word verification thing a few too many times or even attempt it at all on a smart phone and say screw it. No? Just me? Okay, then.

Breathe

Seriously. Just breathe. Catching up from this trip has been INSANE. Here's an example from yesterday:

7:45am-9am Blogged (this is a minimal time for blogging, I am learning to include reading, commenting, photos, etc)

10am-11am Inspirational chat & coffee with KT at my home

11am Run

11:20am Shower

11:45am Pick up Justinbustin for lunch and discover he is meeting with the principal and vice principal

11:45-12:10pm Listen in on Justinbustin's and the principals and vps meeting

12:10pm Take Justinbustin to lunch

12:10pm-1:10pm Work with Justinbustin on understanding what "algaebraically" means & the shortest way to show his work algabraeically while eating

1:10pm-1:50pm Work with Justinbustin on his revolution poster

1:50pm Run home and use the bathroom

2:20pm Turn around and come back to school to find a parking spot

2:50pm Meet with Justinbustin's gifted teacher to discuss his progress on upcoming project

3:10pm Meet with Justinbustin's math teacher to ask if the algaebraic way Justinbustin came up with to show his work is acceptable (she ok'd it)

3:10-3:30pm Meet with Justinbustin's gifted teacher to finish discussing progress

3:30pm Pick up Shawners

3:30-3:45pm Discuss schedule for the afternoon with the boys in the car

3:45pm-5pm Supervise Justinbustin's homework

5pm-6pm Take boys to the pool for outside time

6:30pm Drop Shawners off at flag football practice

7pm Take Justinbustin to boy scouts

8pm Have Brando pick Shawners up from football practice

8-8:30pm Say hi to Mi

8:30pm Pick Justinbustin up from boy scouts

Today wasn't much better:

9:45am-11am Chiro appt

11am Pick up healthy breakfast from Whole Foods of OJ & Odwalla Protein Super Foods Bar

12pm Pick up Shawners for lunch

1pm Bring Shawners back to school

1pm-2:45pm Meet with the vice principal, principal, and Brando

2:45pm Bring boys home from school

3pm TRY to stay hands off with Justinbustin's agenda and ask him self-probing questions such as, "Do you have everything you need?", "How do you know?", "How are you going to break up this coming project?"

4pm-6pm Try to continue the above

6pm Get ready to go to friends going away party

7:30pm Go to friends going away party *crossing fingers* my headache will be gone by then

I can't even remember how crazy Wednesday was. I am aware it included volunteering and a chiro appt and a frustrated email about the three hours of homework Justinbustin had.

Can't wait to RELAX.

Okay I have to admit

After the principal of the boys' school told me to "Remember to breathe.", I did. I remembered to eat, too - four of Trader Joe's Chocolate Chip Chewy Coated Granola Bars to be exact. And read blogs, and add new ones. And now I'm going to play with California pictures! Work is done (for now), and it is so play time.

Head Spinning

A million thoughts running through my head today

*I miss my family already like CUHrazy, like in tears driving around town today

*Shaking as I talked to Justinbustin's teacher today and confirmed that yes, he and a group of his friends had chosen not to take part in a club they had originally started earlier this year that was taken out of their hands and put in a more "politically correct" format where none of them, the entrepreneurs, of the venture had any say in it. I told her they were disappointed they were taken out of their positions, and left the choice up to him to participate or not in the new format, which he chose not to.

*Spent TWO FLIPPIN HOURS on the phone with insurance trying to gain access to MY OWN INFORMATION. Because it's all under Brando's name, though, he had to give them permission to give me access to MY OWN EFFEN INFORMATION. Seriously?! He's impossible to get a hold of these days since he's managing and on the front lines all time, so that was a nightmare to try and get a hold of him.

*Picked up Shawners from school three hours into the day as he had the runs.

*Had a chiropractic appointment today, which is what I spent time on the phone with insurance for. Apparently my insurance will only pay for me to do three exercises, because four exercises is "not reasonable" therefore my copay is essentially doubled since I'm paying for the extra exercise out of pocket. Seriously?!

*Brando just texted me he's staying at work til' eight because of an aud*t his branch is going through in the near future. ARGH.

*Back on the phone with insurance. Bleh.

*Kids speech therapist called while on the phone with insurance, had insurance on hold for WAY too long while I set up the annual meetings for the boys over the phone

*Back on the phone with insurance who asked if I'd signed a wavier stating I'd be responsible for all charges even if insurance covers it. Turns out I did. UGH. Regardless, I love this chiropractor and likely wouldn't have been seen if I didn't sign the waiver so you win some, you lose some. My back feeling better is a WIN.

Eat, Pray, Love, Live

After reading several blog posts about the audacity of Elizabeth Gilbert to write a book about her selfish journey through life, I finally had to sit down and put my thoughts together into a post - instead of leaving it in one horrendously long comment. Disclaimer: not that I don't respect the opinions of those who posted it, and Samira just set off my thought train on it. Her, her family, and her blog are amazing- even when you love Eat, Pray, Love like I do :) .

I personally am a HUGE fan of Eat, Pray, Love - the book and the movie. I've also read her second book, Committed. I've also read a book called Halfway to Each Other - a woman who takes her family on her journey to find herself. I've seen women who try to find themselves over and over again by getting out of a marriage to not want to understand how they end up finding themselves and figure out how to do that IN my marriage, not out of it. I read everything with a grain of salt, and that book more so than others, but at the same time I love that she reached out to reawaken her passion for life. Because, what is EVERYTHING in life? A marriage, a big house, a good career? Or is there something more? The fact that she made the effort to do this intrigues me. She had no kids, and it sounds like her husband and her were already miserable (I love that she respectfully doesn't go into detail about what happened, and doesn't place blame), so there wasn't much loss there and it doesn't sound like she made anyone else miserable about her decision. Halfway to Each Other is a happy medium where a woman DOES have kids and still lost herself in her home life, and seeks to find out without (barely) letting those go.

Speaking of Elizabeth Gilbert's marriage, who knows what happened. This interesting article on her husband discusses his path after their divorce - a worldwide human-rights activist trek, and now married with two kids. Part of the paths they both took afterwards suggested they could've taken their path together, something that encourages me when I see people who go their separate ways - noting that their separate ways could have been together if they had only realized it.

I love Alexandra Gekas last paragraph:

"Whoever he was, it sounds like two people who met young, but who grew apart. Two people who had passion for life, but whose passion took them in different directions. It just would've been nice if she'd depicted him that way." - To further that, I think it would've been nice if they realized they could find those passions together.

Another article from a 1998 interview with Elizabeth Gilbert suggests he wanted the "perfect" life and she had a different view of having everything - one of which was not spending $10,000 on a wedding but saving it for a nest egg. They ended up spending the $10,000 on the wedding, a give in I'm speculating she was to regret many, many times the years over. Her second wedding was intimate version with just the people who were most important in their lives present.

Jessica Olien, cynic turned not-quite believer but non-judgemental nonetheless, talks about her own cynical journey to discredit Elizabeth Gilbert and the flocks of women who followed her footsteps to Bali, and finds out that to judge one another, you might just find yourself following in their foot steps. I agree wholeheartedly with her final piece of advice: "...if I could tell those women one more thing, it would be that maybe they should stop looking so hard. Because if there's a romantic cliche that's held true -- for Elizabeth Gilbert, and now, for me -- it's that bliss usually happens when you aren't hunting it down."

Regardless, it takes all different kinds of people to make up this world and I've seen too many marriages end after years of "having it all" to slight her for actually trying to find out what went wrong, even if that meant a selfish journey that she shared with the world who hopefully wouldn't make the same mistakes she did. Sometimes we need to be selfish and be there for ourselves in order to be there for someone else.

That being said, I also greatly enjoyed Halfway to Each Other and feel like I took more applicable lessons away from that - though lessons that are more difficult to put into words. My one sentence summarization for Eat, Pray, Love would be find your passion and live it, no matter what it takes. And for Halfway to Each Other would be find your passion in your life you already have and live it, no matter what it takes.

Blogging

Part of the reason I have this blog is to keep my unfiltered unstopping unedited thoughts off of my main blog - and stop overwhelming people with my thoughts :) . I'm finally coming to a realization though I will never be one of those bloggers who posts daily snippets of their perfect seemingly daily life with rarely a moment of down time in between. I'm just not that person. I LOVE my down time, I LOVE my introspection, I LOVE my roller coaster of emotions. I LOVE my bestie who understands those better than anyone else. I LOVE that I can take a FIVE week break from social life to rediscover that my HUSBAND is my best friend, and my BESTIE is still there. That is me. And this has been the history of my life with a world of possibilities at my door.

Single Mom at 17.

Found the soon to be love of my life at 18.

Got my dream proposal on the beach at sunset without even telling him.

Moved to Texas.

Married him.

Bought a house.

Had another kid.

Fell in love with my husband.

Rented out our house.

Moved to Cali for a year.

Moved back to Texas.

Found the best girlfriends in the entire world.

Fell in love with my husband once again.

Sold our house.

Bought another house.

Rented it out.

Fell in love with my husband all over again.

Starting a business with my honey.

Perfect life, right? Now read this. This is what life REALLY looks like. And what I ADORE and LOVE about life:

Single Mom at 17.

*Fell apart as what I thought was the love of my life turned out to be lust and he left me in a miserable fetal position ball of tears.

Found the soon to be love of my life at 18.

*Realized I found the RIGHT man for me after praying for him. Wasn't really in love, but knew he was the best man I have ever known and that if I let him go I would be destroying my own answered prayer.

Got my dream proposal on the beach at sunset without even telling him that was my dream.

*Moved by myself with my little one to Justin as his parents freaked out and I couldn't handle their reaction. His mom said we were having "puppy love" and making up a dream of setting up house. We had to tell his Dad, "Aren't you supposed to say congratulations?"

Married him.

*Moved into our first apartment on a $9/hour budget with a baby, a mattress on the floor, and a cardboard box for a dining table.

Bought a house.

*Slept through the move in process while my sister and husband moved us in as I was pregnant and in the tired stage and missing my mommy.

Had another kid.

*Ventured on the suburban perfect housewife track with flylady.net and got it down pat with a perfect house and garden.

Fell in love with my husband.

*Decided we were "strong enough" to move back to Cali amidst the pressure of family where Brando could work for my Dad.

Rented out our house.

*Again with the perfectness, every box was labeled and to a T. What we didn't put into storage we took with us. Cue horrendous argument on the road trip to Cali - that should've been a sign.

Moved to Cali for a year.

*Moved in with our parents so we could afford to live in Cali and fell completely apart relationally. While the situation was ideal with grandparents to watch the kids whenever we rarely took advantage of it as they were busy watching the other grandchildren whose parents did take advantage of it. We spent all the way more money than we'd ever earned on eating out and painting pottery just to have moments to ourselves.

Moved back to Texas.

*Cried for three months about how lonely I was and missed family. Finally pulled myself up by the boot straps and reached out.

Found the best girlfriends in the entire world.

*Partied my heart out, partly to figure out what it was like, partly to find myself, and partly to stay in my relationship without having to be in it.

Fell in love with my husband once again.

*Realized how many jerks and losers there are out there, amongst my girlfriends and their relationships, guys out and about at night, and realized once again what an amazing man is in my life and how grateful I am to have him.

Sold our house.

*Paid off $20,000 of debt with our equity.

Bought another house.

*Used Brando's pull as a real estate agent to have only $5000 down then spent the next year crying because I was lonely for my girlfriends so close to our old place.

Rented it out.

*Realized my husband would and will do anything for me, and discovered amongst the tears that having a quiet at home life where I spent the majority with my honey and family, not my friends, might be what I want after all.

Fell in love with my husband all over again.

*Eeeked out a balance with friends and going out, discovered that as I age life isn't going to get any easier lest I pour my heart into and decided I want to pour my heart into our family and starting a business together that will take up every second of our free time and decided that the free time I have left over I want to spend with my honey and my family.

Starting a business with my honey.

*Who knows what this bullet point is or will be, maybe it's my back, maybe it's the contractions we are going through as we figure out how to work together, but that's the beauty of life. There really is a rainbow after the hurricane, along with the clear air, rebuilding better than before the damage, and using bug repellent of confidence, determination, and enthusiasm for the annoying mosquitoes of doubt, insecurity, and failure.

Sigh

I am sick and tired of Brando working twelve hour days. He was supposed to have today off, but the schedule was messed up and so he's back to six days a week this day. I miss him.

Chiro

Yesterday the chiro doc said he wanted me to be at 80%-100% better by the time he's done with treatment. Yesterday I was at 80%. This morning I woke up at 50%, ate breakfast and am now at 80%. WAHOO. I didn't even take the Advil. I can't stand how loopy it makes me. I was a little scared when I woke up this am and didn't feel as good as yesterday, though. So now I'm super happy I'm at 80% again and off to do laundry. Feels SO good to be able to do normal, upkeep things. The boys and Brando have been awesome about picking up my slack, though, so it's not overwhelming.

What a day

I discovered I *am* superwoman, after being so adamant that I didn't want to be :) .

SO much happened today, only a bullet list will do it justice:

*Had an appointment with a chiropractor this morning for my back and was scared sh*tless - last time I had a chiropractor crack my back I was in MISERY until I went to the doctor and had muscle relaxants and pain killers. This time I went the opposite route and have still been in misery. I finally realized the chiropractor more than likely DID help last time - but my muscles were adjusting so they were sore until my back healed. I've got to do a whole post on this guy over on PSD, but, in short, he was amazing. Found out some interesting things and he cracked EVERYthing. I was still nervous as heck and he told me to take 4 advil, which I haven't yet because I had to drop Justinbustin off to go camping later and didn't want to be loopy, which leads me to...

*Stopped by Costco to see about getting some kind of liquid I will actually drink on a regular basis since I told the doc that I drink three diuretics (tea, coffee, wine) and water - and I only guzzle it then, all of which is apparently giving me muscle spasms like crazy, since yeah, my muscles don't actually have the water they're made of. Hmm.

*Ate lunch at Costco

*Washed my car

*Picked the boys up from school

*Brought the boys home, set Justinbustin to packing

*Groomed the dog - and by groomed I mean, bathe, haircut with the buzzers, nail trim, and eyes cleaned

*Cleaned up above mess

*Drove in an hour and a half of traffic to drop Justinbustin off

*Drove away and got a flat about three miles away

*Started in on putting on the spare myself since I couldn't get a hold of Brando and my bro-in-law was being grumpy and I told him don't worry about helping if he was so grumpy

*So relieved when my bro-in-law called and apologized for being a "selfish jerk" (his words) and asked if he could please come up help SHawners and I

*Learned how to put on a spare tire, thanks to him teaching us when he got there

*Appreciated the help of the guy whose driveway we pulled into when he came out (doh! totally didn't think of knocking on the door - but who knows it could've been totally strange people)

*Met Brando at Costco, got new tires on the car and two new storage ottomans/gorgeous coffee tables for a STEAL

*Grocery shopped at Costco while we were at it

*Came home, set up the coffee tables and moved the old coffee table to the garage

*And I'm STILL going - usually ANYthing I j did besides sit at the computer or be driven around by Brando knocked me exhausted and miserable onto my bed - I'm so glad I decided to go ahead and have the chiropractor adjust me today. I met with him yesterday and had the x-rays today and was wary about being adjusted, but after reseeing my old chiropractor experience in that new light, I decided to go ahead and get it done asap. He also has a physical therapy setup in his office so I did some physical therapy afterwards. I'm not completely ache free, but I am definitely not miserable and still completely functional. Oh, and the chiro doc said I could do swimming, biking, hiking, walking - low impact activities, just no weights. Fine by me - I don't do weights any way (unless you count the weights of what it takes to maintain a household of four).

*Side note on the x-rays - my booty CRACK showed up on the low back x-ray. Wha-what?! Are you serious?! SO embarrassing, lol, but I got over it after jokingly putting my hand over it after I asked him, "Is that my booty ?" He said he doesn't even see it anymore - sure@ Embarrassing note aside, I totally didn't think skin showed up on x-ray!

I apologize for any typos. My contacts are blurring up and I can't see the screen! Off to bed and to take them out!

Energy

Having a conversation with my BF, KT.

I've been talking to her about spending energy and making the choice where we spend it. Whether on family, career, guys, hobbies. We invest our emotional energy into what we desire to happen in our lives. Five years ago I invested my emotional energy into being able to go out and party, to have girlfriends, to get out and enjoy life, to travel in what capacity I could. And it happened. Boy, did it happen. And I enjoyed five of the best years of my life. I did what I wanted to do, I enjoyed the hell out of it, and I have reaped the benefits of investing my energy with incredible girlfriends.

Now I want to invest my emotional energy in something new. I'm not sure how to balance what I already have with what I want. But I realize what my desire is and I want it, and I want to invest my emotional energy in it to make it happen. I want to start a business with Brando. I want to have that something personal to invest our time into. Something that we can work on together in the long run. Something that will support us, and allow us to be together.

"Once you find your real passions in life you're not going to want to go out with your friends every other night and go party... It's all about being content, and being okay with your feelings. Allowing yourself to heal." -KT

I talked to her about making a choice and a decision then being patient for that decision and doing the right thing to make that choice and decision happen the best way you know how, then somehow we got on the analogy of marathons. How you have to make the choice to run a marathon, then start the training for it, and then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to make it across the finish line. What a perfect analogy for life, really. In life you have to have the desire and make the choice to do what you can do to make that desire happen, you have to train for whatever the desire is, then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to cross the finish line.

KT just told me when we went hiking together with Shawners last year, when he was having a super tough time continuing on, it was hot, and we'd chosen to hike way too long of a hike for an eight year old, and he was breaking down, I told him, "When things gets hard, that's when you have to work the hardest, and if you push through it, you feel awesome and rewarded at the end." I love that she remembered I said that because I certainly didn't remember I said that, and I love that she told me she remembered that. She mentioned she wondered if he thought of that as he was running his marathon last week, and ran each week throughout the year, and how he finally felt that reward at the end of running through the finish line, not even having to stop to get his medal and how that was the best part for him. Maybe he did think of that subconsciously. Brando hears things all the time and subconsciously acts on them as a result. I tend to be more conscious about the things I hear and act upon, but I wonder if he subconsciously thought of that.

"Those people are going to love and support you throughout the times that are really hard and the changes you make, especially the changes you make to better yourself." -KT

One of the realizations I had just now while talking to KT, as well as a combination of doing a survey Teagan had on her blog about how anxious and avoiding we are with the most important people in our lives (mother, father, husband, best friend), was I have been avoiding telling my friends my decision that I no longer have the energy to go out and do the things I used to do with them because I want to put that energy elsewhere because I'm afraid they won't be there for me. All along I've been thinking in black and white terms, that I will have to give up my friends in order to have this new desire in my life.

"You gave me a wake up call, when I was dating Jasen and it was an epiphany for me. It was when I was spending every single day with him and not putting any of my energy towards family and friends. One thing you said completely changed my outlook. I was like wow this girl is my best friend and one of the most important things in my life besides my family. It makes me realize how important friends are. A friend told me when you are older and have your career you will be able to count the true friends that you have on the palm of your hand, and that is so true. And people need to be more okay with." -KT

After talking to KT I realize it's not black and white. It doesn't have to be that way. While I'm realizing I can't be and don't want to be super woman and do it all, I want to make choices to have certain things in my life and invest the energy towards those things. At the same time, the friends that are truly my friends will completely support me in those decisions and be there for me all along and there is no reason to waste all the energy I've already invested into their lives and they into mine. For my part, I have to be honest with them, and with myself, that if I am honest with them and they choose not to be there that I am okay with that, and have to take that chance so that the friends who are truly my friends have the opportunity to continue to be there alongside of me as they want to be, whether I have energy to go out with them or not.

"By the way you've done an excellent job evaluating - sometimes you have to evaluate things in black and white. I've been texting you more because I realize you've needed that time to evaluate. Because only you know what's best for you. Your real friends are going to support you throughout your decisions, when you need to take on the opinion of yourself. Sometimes their opinion isn't needed so that you can take on your own. Doesn't mean you have to completely rib the opinions of others out of your life completely, and not take the advice of others. But there are times that you need to just take the advice of you and yourself . The rewards you get from that are more rewarding than anything else and the epiphanies you get from that self-evaluation are more important than any other advice you can get from any else, not that the opinions from others aren't important on what to do, but it's easier to get opinions from others than do the self-evaluation and find and follow your own opinion." -KT

One of the most rewarding conversations I have ever had with KT was just now when I told her I prayed for Brando before I knew him. That was a hard conversation for me to have with her, because she does not believe in God. But I do. I told her I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately and that I pray to God because I believe he is the only One. One of the Bible verses I grew up with was, "God will give you the desires of your heart." and time and time again I come back to that in prayer. I told her one of the important things about prayer that I've been realizing is that it clarifies our desires so when they confront us we recognize them and can make the choice to accept them and do what we need to do to have them in our lives. After I had Justinbustin, I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember, because I couldn't handle him growing up without a father and then having some guy come into his life and be like, oh, hey, by the way, this is your Dad. I couldn't handle that and so I prayed that God would give Justinbustin a father before he was old enough to remember. And when Brando came along, I realized it. I realized he was the right one. He respected his mother, his mother respected his father, his mother called herself grandmother to Justinbustin before Brando and I had even been dating a week. I realized he was the one and I did what I had to do to make it happen. I told her I wasn't in love with him when I married him. I wasn't in love with him until almost two years later. Now I am head over heels butterfly in my stomach takes my breath away in love with him. But that's TEN YEARS LATER. The day I married him I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "R o s e, what are you doing?" I realized I wasn't in love with him, but I also realized he was the right man for me and I made the choice to marry him for that reason. My word, I could not have imagined the benefits that came from that decision.

After all I've said in this post, I realize I need to spend some time in prayer right now for the desires of my heart. I desire to have that something personal where we invest our time into together, to build a company with Brando where we can work together to support our family, where family time is priority, yet we have the gumption and the determination to realize that in order to have family time as priority we have to work together and no amount of arguing and clawing at each other's throats will get us there. Only communication, realization, learning, soaking in wise counsel, and working towards that goal together.