New Perspective

Last night I texted my sister, "I hate my life. I am so depressed." after a margarita at Chipotle. Not LIKE ME. I'm usually the happy drunk.

Last night I came across this picture. I've seen it before in the sense of being a picture that inspired a girl to become a photographer. Today, it inspired me to be a better person.

This morning I woke up to my boys breaking down the fort they had built to completely cover their room two months ago and have been sleeping in since. Except for the one time Brando and I got into a fight over them breaking it down or not. Brando wanted it broke down for school to start - I wanted it to stay. I loved that 3/4 of their room couldn't be messed up because it was covered in blankets and their little "cubby holes". I loved that they could leave their bedroom door open and have it still be quiet because they were tucked away talking or playing games inside their fort - and not wrestling and throwing things like they normally do. Oh, life with boys, I love it.

I told them something they hate to hear, but I tell them any way because my sister told her three boys and they are the sweetest brothers I have ever met. "Blessed are brethren that dwell together in unity, and you are dwelling together in unity." In the midst of me telling them against their cries of, "Mo-om, we know, we know." I say, "I just want you to know I am blessed and you are blessed." Shawners retorts, "My Mom is blessed." I reply, "Thank God!! I am so happy for that!" and he retorts, "My ancestors are blessed!" to which I also reply, "Wow, that's awesome. Thank God! I am really happy for that!" That child. I want to pinch his cheeks from cuteness sometimes.

On the way to drop Shawners off at school Justinbustin went with me so I could drop him off early so he could clean and practice his trombone before his lesson today. Justinbustin starts talking about how he wants to move Shawner's dresser out of his "room" and put a hammock in there. Shawners immediately starts an outcry, "Justinbustin always gets the BEST stuff." To which I replied with a very proud mommy moment - one that made me feel like a parent.

I got on my wise parent soapbox and told him, "You know, I used to feel that way about my sister. That was part of the reason I moved away from California 'cause I couldn't figure out how to get out from under that. Then I moved here and I got a house, we had you guys, we had a garden, we had a dog and my sister would say, 'Your life is so perfect, I wish I had that.' Then we moved to California for a year and came back to Texas and we moved to our apartment and all of a sudden she had a house, and a garden, and the dogs and I wanted what she had. But you know what? I'm happy for her. I'm happy she has what she has because I trust that the Lord has good things in store for us - maybe that, or maybe something else. He has good things in store for us right now - Dad and I still being together, amazing schools both of you boys are blessed to go too, the same view that the million dollar houses across the canyon have. Over time, I've realized I can't live my life being upset over not having what she has or vice versa, I can only be happy for her and be happy for myself when those things come and with the amazing blessings I do have."

He was quiet afterwards, so I am hoping that it sunk in a little. This is a true heartfelt struggle for me, and part of the reason for my text last night to my sister. I was looking outward, instead of looking inward and upward.

This morning before that conversation, as I sat on my porch drinking my coffee my husband made for me this morning after I simply asked him last night, and watched the colors of the sky change as the sun rose, I read this verse, "I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation." Ps13:5, I realized I have trusted in your mercy - when I got pregnant with Justinbustin, when I married Brando, and my heart has rejoiced in your merciful salvation each of those times, and my heart will trust in your salvation now and I will trust in your mercy now because it will come, and it has come in ways I haven't noticed, just as it did then. He is an amazing God, powerful beyond our belief of a mustard seed, and all I need to do is have that faith of a mustard seed.

Could it be?

Have I gotten bored of reading blogs? I still check in with those I love, and those I've developed relationships with, but the rest seem like too much work. I still look at very few of the pretty blogs - the ones I've developed relationships with, any way - and occasionally glance at the rest, but these days I spend less than five minutes on my reader. Strange. Maybe I feel if I'm not contributing back to the community I really have nothing to take in or say.

Crazy times.

Need to vent, but just did on the phone with my sister.

Had a FANTASTIC weekend wakeboarding for hours with the boys.

Wow, the rest of it was weird, though.

And it didn't get any less weird last night with girls' night.

Ugh.

Wow, had an AMAZING time at TSR today and can't wait to post about it.

Just about makes up for waking up with panic attacks at 6am in the morning since I found out my parents were moving and falling back half asleep with dreams of boxes and furniture and moving.

And now my parents are moving. Holy Jesus, please hold me.

Fortunately, they are not moving because they have to. They are moving because their landlord mentioned raising the rent again (he's mentioned it a few times before, but usually hasn't done it), and thought he's willing to work with them and not raise it again, they've decided to move on. They're going to buy a motorhome and live in a motorhome. They'll still have their office in Santa Cruz, but for now will have a motorhome spot in Gilroy as the lots in Santa Cruz were too close together. I'm guessing they will still have their other two RVs they have now, but not positive.

I always remember my Grandparent's living in a motorhome as I grew up. Grandma and Grandpa's house would always come to our house. My Grandma owned her motorhome til' a few years ago - now she lives in Arizona for the winter and Washington for the summer.

I am SO nervous because I told my Mom we would like to come live there for a year next year. She says, we should keep the house then, which I WANT them to do. But I can't decide what's best for them. And we are so fickle on our decisions - who knows if we will move there in a year. Regardless, we wouldn't be living with them this time. We'd rent our own place.

Still. My heart stops thinking we won't have that house by the harbor anymore with the grassy backyard overlooking the boats, just a short walk to Crow's Nest and Aldo's. My heart literally freaking STOPS.

How the hell did I come up with both Brando's Mom and my parents moving in one year? Did one beget the other? Maybe Brando's Mom moved so I would be okay with my parents moving. My heart literally does not know what to do right now. The emotion of this definitely won't hit me until the next time we go to Santa Cruz and can't go to the house by the harbor.

I don't even know where Brando and I will stay anymore. Last time, we stayed with my parent's while the kids stayed with Brando's Mom. I guess this time we will all stay with Brando's Mom. I'm not prepared for that. LOVE her new house, but she sold all the guest bedroom furniture and the guest room in her new house adopted all her old, dark wood furniture. We stayed there a few night's the last time and it was okay, but I am not cool staying there for a long time.

Am I selfish that this is the majority thoughts running through my head right now? Maybe, but it's my home and immediately what my mind jumps to - when we're there.

Brando Email Love

Don't Want to Forget

Just watched Soul Surfer after reading the book months ago. Book was the best I've ever read, and the movie was the most inspiring I've ever watched.

Things that stuck out to me from the movie:

*Brando just told me the other day I need to own it - "it" being my past and who I am. He gave the example of the hat I wore to a party once, how it was beautiful and different than anyone else's in the room and how I decided instead of being embarrased because it was so different, I was going to own it and own the room. And no less than twenty people complimented me on that hat. So his advice and his relating to that story resounded with me.

*Bethanny, in the movie and in real life, owned her story. She didn't back down from it. She shows where she's been, how far she's come, and where she is now - along with what she's done along the way, and how hard she had to work to get there. She uses it to inspire.

*One of my most favorite blogs I read, Bitch Cakes, owns her story of losing weight over and over again until finally she is keeping it off and making her lifestyle an amazing combination of fitness and health. She doesn't use it to pity herself. She owns it - shows where she's been, how far she's come, and where she is now. She uses it to inspire.

*My story is not so different. Being a single Mom at 17 is not a piece of cake. And overcoming it was not "easy" as I dismiss it to be. I need to own that. Show where I've been, how far I've come, and where I am now - along with what I've done along the way, and how hard I've had to work to get here. I want to use my story to inspire.

*Being a single Mom is not like being bit by a shark, being bit by a shark is not like being a single Mom, being a single Mom is not like being overweight, being overweight is not like being a single Mom, being overweight is not like being bit by a shark, being bit by a shark is not like being overweight, but we each have our stories, and we each worked through them.

*Own your story. I want to own mine.