WTH

How the heck is Forever 21 literally 500 times busier AFTER Christmas than before?!

At least they're nice now versus before Christmas. Overheard from one girlfriend to another:

"I love this store."
"It makes me want to sing and skip through the store."

Deliciousness

It's wrong how delicious these are. Oh, The Farm, how I love thee, your chocolate macaroons, chicken & fresh mozzarella sandwiches, and Cafe Au Laits.

Seriously?!

This morning Brando had laser eye surgery (in-office procedure to upkeep his prior surgeries from ten years ago), this afternoon we're on our way to the snow in his Mom's Pilot with four snowboards on top - Brando's old one, mine and Shawner's new one, and Justinbustin's acquired one from a cousin in Ut*h who outgrew his. Now let's just hope we don't get snowed out (or in!).

Also, staying at my sis's - can't WAIT to see her!! Usually she comes down to see me but since she knew I was coming up she didn't this time and it feels really weird to be back in my hometown without her around.

OMG I got a snowboard!

Now let's just hope I can ride it. It's gorgeous! With a peacock and black & gold bindings.

Thanks for the Christmas present, Oma!

So Annoyed

So sick of girls who use their husbands for an excuse instead of just saying they don't want to do something and so sick of girls who let their guys choose all their fun plans!!!

Sorry for the vent but seriously if you don't want to do something SAY IT instead of blaming it on his schedule, whims, and fancies, cause I'm gonna stop asking and be pissed that you're not saying how it is.

Also, choose your own fun, girl!!! Don't let something you want to do not happen just because your man doesn't feel like it. I am so sick of having to be dragged into whatever he feels like as well since that's all he'll ever do!! We have fun any way, but stand up to him so maybe one of these days we can do something one of the rest of the four of us has chosen to do.

Excuse the bitch moment.

This must fall under the category of things I want to say out loud but haven't quite figured out how to come across as a total bitch while doing so.

Songs Making Me Cry Right Now

(disclaimer: perhaps it could be the teensiest close to my time of the month)


Lead Me - Sanctus Real
This reminds me of what young wives so desperately need. And the struggle every young husband has between creating a career and being there for his wife. I say it, because I live it.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sanctus-real-lyrics/lead-me-lyrics.html)
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Come Back to Me - David Cook
This reminds me of Brando's attitude during the time I was trying to figure myself out. And it reminds me to let him go as he's trying to figure himself out.

You say you gotta go and find yourself

You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/david-cook-lyrics/come-back-to-me-lyrics.html]
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

I'm Officially an Honor Student

I just completed my first honors class AND my first public speaking.

WHOO!!! *jumping around* *pattting self on back* *gleeful clap* go ME!!

Sooooooo freaking proud of myself. I almost dropped the class twice. Not for the honors aspect, but the public speaking aspect. Terrifies me so much so that I feared more than once I would fall over from shaking. Once I did lock my knees. That was not good.

But I got through it. I accomplished my goal of becoming confident to the point where I could give a speech if somebody asked me to. Now, hopefully, no one asks me, but if they did, I could do it and would kick it's ass.

Some things I learned about me as a speaker:

-I love to give lots of information...

Oh, what the heck, I'll just put up the final assignment by the public speaker so you can read for yourself:

1.) Discuss what you learned about yourself in the whole of the semester in
general.

This semester I learned that stressing over school is not worth the physical toll it takes on me, and that it's okay to take a break if need be with as much as is on my plate.

2.) Discuss what you learned about yourself in this class.

In this class I learned I like to be very factual and informational. I learned I would rather be quiet than speak on something I have not yet researched.

3.) Discuss what you discovered/learned from other people in this class.

In this class I learned from other people that each person has their own speaking style, and that each style is wonderful and unique to that person and the message they have to deliver.

4.) What do you honestly think you made in this course, in other words what
would you give yourself as a grade if you could grade your self-be
realistic! Base your answer on how hard you tried/what you put into it,
grades you have made, participation, attendance-have you missed a lot & why,
improvements as the course went along in your skills, et. Anything else your
grade should be based on?

I would give myself an A+ in this class based on the immense effort I have put into creating speeches that contain as much information as I can fit into it, the grades I have made (all A's, except for one B+), near perfect attendance, and the improvement in my speaking confidence, lessening of nerves, and belief in myself that I could actually give a speech if called upon, none of which I would've thought possible before I began this class.

5.) Final Thoughts:

This has been a very interesting class to take. There were several times I considered dropping it as the sheer amount of stress the idea of speaking has put on me has not been pleasant. However, my goal in taking a speech class was to become more confident in my speaking ability and be able to have the confidence to actually be able to take advantage of other speaking opportunities in my life if need be. I feel like I have accomplished that goal, and would be willing and prepared to speak at other venues if the situation called for it, and be able to speak well.

Part II-
1.) Formulate a general question about communication at large. Just ask the question. In can be general or specific.

My question about communication at large is: how can communication become more effective in relaying the true meaning to others?

Formulate a general question about public speaking at large. Just ask the question. In can be general or specific, or relate to specific problem.
My question about public speaking at large is: what is the best way to communicate your subject to your audience through public speaking?

2.) Briefly discuss how you have grown as a speaker. Then list 3 things you feel you do well as a speaker.

I have grown as a speaker in confidence in both my speaking ability, speech writing, and selection and development of subject matter. As a speaker, I believe I relay information well, maintain eye contact with each member of the audience well, and deliver a conclusion that leaves an emotional impact.

3.) List at least three additional tips to giving a speech.

Three additional tips to giving a speech are: deliver your speech with enthusiasm, connect with your audience through purposeful eye contact, gestures, and body language, and say thank you and walk away from the podium when done with your speech.

4.) What is the most important element in the introduction?

The most important element in the introduction is the speaker's connection to the topic.

And the professor's email response:
"Thanks for being such an amazing student. And thanks for, I think, finally believing me that you ARE, in fact, a really good speaker! I am SO VERY glad that you did not drop. I would have been crushed. Seriously."

Sorry Mom

Playing sorry seems an appropriate game for the boys to play with me right now. I am up to *here* with attitude. They are trying to make it up to me.

My Boys are Growing Up

Driving into my garage & seeing Shawner's new bike next to Justinbustin's bike tugged at my heart & made me realize how much they are growing up

Nature vs Nurture

I would have to say I am a firm believer in nurture. This is the only reason I can understand why I stay here in Texas. My top reasons: family-friendly, better schools, better environment, yes there's still all "that stuff" around here but there's also productive, healthy "stuff".

Part of me wants to move back to Cali soooooooooooo bad. I want to be near my parents, to learn from them, I want my kids to grow up near their grandparents. Then I hesitate and think, if that's the case they will also be growing up near millions of potheads, a vacation town where resident or visitor almost everybody acts as if they are permanently on vacation without a care in the world and end up living at home with their parents. They will be growing up away from my sister and her boys, whom I love and are amazing role models.

Then, I wonder, what if my sister hadn't talked me into moving here. I had gotten an apartment on my own in SC at one time. Of course, I found out I was pregnant less than a month later and immediately moved back home. Perhaps I was traumatized by that, thinking I would never be able to get out on my own in SC, and thought coming here to Texas was the only way.

I don't know. I keep trying to understand why I stay here, why I don't just make the decision and say, "Let's go back to Cali." Brando would in a heartbeat. He's also content staying here. So it's up to my gumption to do it.

Go Me

Pretty proud of myself for writing this letter to Brando angry yet being totally constructive. Prior to this I had sent him another email detailing the events of my day (see post below). The all caps in the very beginning is because I had just spoke with him on the phone and we had gotten angry with each other and hung up.

Subject: What I want

AS I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE, I want to help us eat healthier. I want to pack the boys' lunches every week. I want to shop and cook for four good sized meals each Tuesday night. I want to decorate our home to have something I feel is worth keeping pretty every day. I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS. But I don't feel like I can do them with you. When I focus even a little on those things you act like I am doing something for the first time in my life and I DESPISE that feeling. That feeling makes my skin crawl. When I have that to look forward to instead of your support, help in other areas, ideas, guidance, and appreciation, it makes it an almost insurmountable goal.

With not doing school this next semester, I would like to focus on these things more. However, I REFUSE TO DO SO if all I am going to get (besides eating healthy and having a pretty house) is complaints about 1) how much I am spending, 2) how much I didn't do before, and 3) how perfect I am now that I am doing these things.

You have DIFFERENT FOCUSES AND GOALS THAN ME. It is important to you to make money, be the breadwinner, have a hobby that you can invest in be it photography, organizing our budget, watching specific tv shows, or leading cub scouts. It is important to me to continually grow, raise the boys in the way that they should go, support you, feed the boys healthy and teach them to eat healthy through doing so, enjoy life and new experiences with you, the boys, and myself. THESE are my goals. NOT making the house pretty. Your goal is NOT to make as much money as you can, and if I were to put that pressure on you and ONLY appreciate you when you did so, that would be unfair of me. You are putting pressure on me to ONLY make the house pretty, and that is unfair of YOU.

You're right, we are not other couples. We are US. And it is time for us to ACCEPT that, own business, beautiful house, high income, house perfect every day, or no. It is time for us to appreciate us for who we ARE and work TOGETHER towards what we WANT to be, not AGAINST each other. It is time for us to stop holding the past against each other. You are the man I met TODAY, the one that I blogged about who is amazing with kids and adorable sitting at a table playing games with them in order to stay connected to his kids' lives and be there for his son at his youngest son's request, the man who requested to be in another classroom contrary to his schedule just so he could be with his older son who didn't express the desire for him to be but who he cares enough about to be there anyway, the man who came home and immediately cleaned out the garage's stinky poop in an amazingly quick manner, the man who immediately figures out how to run errands, make sure our mortgage is paid, and does them with amazing initiative. I am the woman you met TODAY, the one who packed lunches for 45 minutes, studied for an exam that she had amazing notes whilst doing previously emailed list, took said exam, kicked it's booty amazingly, treated her arm condition holistically, said hi to a friend she hasn't seen in months for five minutes because she is an awesome amazing friend who would go thirty minutes out of the way to be there just to give a hug to someone she cares about, went to the boys school to do a weekly event of Wednesday folders and talk to the teachers to stay involved and connected in our boys' lives outside of our home, and came home to do the list I just emailed you on top of writing these two emails, and researching what a reasonable monthly budget amount might be. I am THAT woman, and you are THAT man.

It is time for us to accept and expect who we are NOW. Because we are pretty awesome. And we could do so much TOGETHER.

*end of email*

His response? You're amazing.

What I DO

Said with emphasis to prove a point in an email to Brando. Fortunately, I followed it up with a constructive email (see next post).

As a disclaimer, I do have to say, this is an old argument - one we don't visit every day, or even every six months these days. As you will see in my follow up email we are completely different people today than at the time this issue sent us to counseling four years ago. However, I've discovered one of the difficult things of keeping a marriage alive and fresh, is there are these old arguments, feelings, and resentments that are hard to let go of. I believe one of the keys to being married and continuing to love each other every day and continuing to fall in love is being able to, or at the very least working on, letting go and seeing each other in a fresh new light every day - as if you had met each other that very day. This is us letting go.

Subject: Typical Day

Here is the NOTHING that I do in a typical day:

Wake up
Figure out kids' lunch - be it spend 45 minutes making it like I did this morning for YOU and the boys or figure out how to get $ in the kids lunch account so it's not overdrawn
Make sure the dogs are taken care of and in their places
Make sure the lights are off in the house
Make sure any paperwork the boys need to have at school they have with them
Make sure agendas are signed and homework is completed
Go to class
If I don't go to class, research various things for my own intellectual stimulation and assistance for the family
Figure out lunch for myself
Run any errands I need to, which is usually none, because I don't have the budget
Wait in line for the boys
Pick up the boys
Make sure before we leave the school that they have jackets, lunchboxes, hats, agendas, homework, and guided reading
Talk to the boys about 3 interesting things each about their day
Make sure and use this time as a teachable moment to teach them about handling a situation if they bring up a frustrating or confusing situation
Make sure and use this time to praise them if they bring up a moment where they made a wise choice
Prep them for doing chores by reminding them to wash their hands first, take care of the dogs, eat a snack, do their homework, then do command central
Get home and assure they wash their hands
Fall onto the bed in exhaustion from the intense conversation and attention required on my part for the last fifteen-twenty minutes
Continue to relax while undertaking the exhausting task of ensuring they get along and complete their chores to your satisfaction
Help with homework
Make sure they ate snack
Make sure they took of dogs
Make sure they did their chores
Fill out any paperwork necessary for items needed at school, field trips, after school clubs, emails to teachers, etc.
Allow them to play when they've finished
Supervise play time and mediate arguments

THIS IS MY DAY EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN DAY.

Not to mention the extras I do often - I do a little bit of THESE EVERY SINGLE DAY:

Study for various tests and exams
Write papers and speeches for various classes
Research better ways to do things
Write to externalize and sort out my feelings so I don't bottle them up and explode on you
Contact the outside world of adulthood through coordinating one weekly coffee, one weekly girls night
Speak to my sister to maintain relationships
Organize, inspire, and think out family trips
Organize, inspire and think out weekly dates with you
Organize, inspire, and think out extracurricular activities for the boys
Meet deadlines to register the boys for sports
Take boys to weekly sport practices
Make sure there are no schedule conflicts for weekly boys games
Make sure Justinbustin is well connected in the youth group and available for volunteering, youth group, and extracurricular activities for youth group
Make sure Justinbustin is available for boy scouts
Make sure Justinbustin's boy scout achievements are recorded properly via him and the leaders of the group
Research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping Shawners to discover his passion, including considering a degree in zoology in order to further understand and be able to assist him in refining his passion
Research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping Justinbustin to further his passion, including beating myself up for not enrolling him in robot club, considering finding an architect or engineer to have him intern with, encouraging his newspaper involvement, website devopment, and quest involvement
Currently and recently, research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping you to realize your passion, including considering what I can do to help you feel supported, thinking of new paths for you to take, considering family upheaval and moving, and encouraging you to go beyond what you think you can do and do what I believe you can do

Additional things I do in order to survive at home on a weekly, semi-weekly, or monthly basis, which is the least of my worries:
Keep the showers from being disgusting
Keep the toilets from being disgusting
Keep the floors from being disgusting
Declutter the random crap that gets thrown in corners on a semi-weekly basis
Declutter the refrigerator
Make sure the boys room does not get disgusting
Keep the living room relatively clutter free
Encourage the boys NOT to play video games or be on the computer

These are ONLY the things off the top of my head, not to mention the many things I am SURE I am forgetting. Tell me, fucking tell me PLEASE where in that job description that it says DO NOTHING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

IF I WERE EVER EVER EVER going to keep the house immaculate AGAIN it would be because you are either taking some of those things over or FULLY SUPPORTING me in doing each and every one of them with the house being the lowest priority, i.e. coming home seeing the house a mess and saying WOW YOU MUST HAVE DONE A LOT TODAY, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT ALL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED. Don't come home and see a mess and ASSUME I HAVE DONE NOTHING. THAT IS AN ASSHOLE JERK RESPONSE. You often lament that you don't have time to do ANYthing because I won't let you relax and do anything when you get home. HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ANYTHING THAT TICKLES YOUR PICKLE when you don't even RECOGNIZE and APPRECIATE the things I do and WHO I AM.

Think about it.

Pure Cuteness

Brando is volunteering at the boys school today as a W*TCH DOG (Dads of Gre*t Students). It is so adorable. He has been helping out not only in the boys classrooms but all other classrooms in their grades as well. He said the third graders are so excited when he comes in and exclaim, "Are you the W*tch Dog today?!" When I walked in to do Wednesday folders he was playing a game with a few fifth graders at a table in the extra wide hallway. He makes my heart melt with how good he is with kids.

Random other fun facts for today:

*I got to see Mi! She stopped in Aust*n on her way from Dallas to San Antonio on the tour she's on and texted me to come see her. Of course I ran over there right away. I got the texts too late to have lunch with her but we managed to fit about 30 hugs in five minutes and it was totally worth it to see her!

*I got acupuncture today for my arms. Sooooo relaxing. I love the dark lit rooms and the quiet music. It's a student clinic so there's always two students and a professional and they are always so peaceful and relaxing and talkative. It's a very therapeutic setting, never mind the acupuncture!

*Shawners says when Grandma & Grandpa left, "I'm so sad my Grandma and Grandpa are gone. I wish me and Justinbustin went to Cal*fornia with them"

*Talking about going to Cali in the winter, Shawners says, "The good thing about going to California in the winter is we go there and it's cold and we come back and it's cold. Not like in the summer when we bake in the oven like a bacon."