*I took a picture for the kids school and now it's printing all wonky and the girl who is taking care of framing it is relying on me to help fix it, but it can't be fixed! Ugh.
*Feeling a LOT of negativity right now.
*Wish I could cleanse my aura like Phoebe on friends ;) .
*Just stuffed down a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell because I've been eating crap food all day (pickles, Kettle Chips, Annie's Honey Grahams, broccoli), and have had no real substantial food, so even though I wasn't hungry I needed the actual food.
*Going downhill fast starting with talking to Brando's Mom today.
*Haven't set my limits on not answering the phone. Don't know why, but talking to people exhausts me, especially when I'm already stretched thin. Usually I do better and let the phone ring if I know I'm going to sound like Debbie Downer on the phone, any way, but for some reason I've been picking it up on first ring, and then still sounding like Debbie Downer. Ugh!
*On my period. Doesn't help. Started it Memorial Day! Fortunately, the effects stayed at bay until today, and only today when I let them get to me. Ergh.
*Didn't work on business stuff at all today. That really bugs me.
*Flowers are annoying as heck to do the hard part. Can't wait to get to the fun part. Still, with my outlook right now, even that is making me nervous, until I think about actually getting my hands on the flowers, that part and thought is 110% calming.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Ouch
Random scattered thoughts all having to do with getting the phone call from my mother-in-law just now saying she sold all her furniture except her bed.
*The part that hit me the hardest was that she sold the guest bed set we always stay in. Maybe because I've posted about it so much. Maybe because it was my favorite thing about going there. Maybe because it was the one thing that made her house feel like vacation.
*She talked a lot about the family moving in making it a "home" like when Brando and his brother were little and Brando's Dad and her were still lived together. It's bitchy, but I comfort myself with the fact that that didn't work out so well.
*She doesn't know where she's moving to yet.
*It all hit me at once. I knew it was coming. I knew she couldn't stay in that big ol' house forever. I knew we couldn't buy it from her. I knew we wouldn't move in with her.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for being such AHAT that this is what it's come down to. On the other hand, even if money was peachy, she probably would have moved somewhere smaller eventually any way.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for spending a million dollars on CRAP. She could've had her house paid off. She could've bought us three houses. She could've paid for college for her grandkids. Instead she bought stuff and stuff and stuff, for us, for Brando's brother, for her now ex-boyfriend. We know she hasn't spent more than $100k on us between paying off debt, buying furniture for us, and helping us out every now and then (debt was $40k of that, so in reality the other part is probably less than $30k between birthday presents, christmas presents, and helping us out over ten years), so that leaves $900k she spent on Brando's brother and her now ex-boyfriend.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for not being willing to be a loving husband while she figured out who the hell she is and how the hell to take care of finances in the first place!
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for not putting her foot down and figuring out who the hell she was inside her marriage, no matter what it took, and for not looking to outside comfort to bring her through it. Refer back to the above.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at myself for encouraging Brando to encourage her to sue his Dad for all the money he screwed her out of by 'taking care' of everything for her by using his lawyers for her stuff, then screwing the contract his lawyers came up with in the first place.
*A lot of me is really, really sad we don't have that room to go back to and we don't have Brando and his brothers childhood haunts to go back to and enjoy. It breaks my heart.
*A lot of me is really, really, really, really sad that chapter of our lives is over.
*A lot of me is wondering what the heck happens next.
*As I just told Justinbustin, I always attach myself to old memories, I tend to think the new memories will be worse because I love the old ones so much, but I forget that one day the new memories will be old and I will love them just as much.
*As I told Brando I KNEW this was all coming, and I don't get why the emotion hits me NOW of all times. Why couldn't it have hit me them so I would fight harder to not let the house go? Not that I could've done anything, but I can tend to be pretty persuasive, I could've fought it at least, not willingly gone along with it all.
*Maybe. But maybe it's all futile, and I should just look forward to the new memories that will one day be old, and enjoy the memories being made now.
*The part that hit me the hardest was that she sold the guest bed set we always stay in. Maybe because I've posted about it so much. Maybe because it was my favorite thing about going there. Maybe because it was the one thing that made her house feel like vacation.
*She talked a lot about the family moving in making it a "home" like when Brando and his brother were little and Brando's Dad and her were still lived together. It's bitchy, but I comfort myself with the fact that that didn't work out so well.
*She doesn't know where she's moving to yet.
*It all hit me at once. I knew it was coming. I knew she couldn't stay in that big ol' house forever. I knew we couldn't buy it from her. I knew we wouldn't move in with her.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for being such AHAT that this is what it's come down to. On the other hand, even if money was peachy, she probably would have moved somewhere smaller eventually any way.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for spending a million dollars on CRAP. She could've had her house paid off. She could've bought us three houses. She could've paid for college for her grandkids. Instead she bought stuff and stuff and stuff, for us, for Brando's brother, for her now ex-boyfriend. We know she hasn't spent more than $100k on us between paying off debt, buying furniture for us, and helping us out every now and then (debt was $40k of that, so in reality the other part is probably less than $30k between birthday presents, christmas presents, and helping us out over ten years), so that leaves $900k she spent on Brando's brother and her now ex-boyfriend.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for not being willing to be a loving husband while she figured out who the hell she is and how the hell to take care of finances in the first place!
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for not putting her foot down and figuring out who the hell she was inside her marriage, no matter what it took, and for not looking to outside comfort to bring her through it. Refer back to the above.
*Part of me is SO ANGRY at myself for encouraging Brando to encourage her to sue his Dad for all the money he screwed her out of by 'taking care' of everything for her by using his lawyers for her stuff, then screwing the contract his lawyers came up with in the first place.
*A lot of me is really, really sad we don't have that room to go back to and we don't have Brando and his brothers childhood haunts to go back to and enjoy. It breaks my heart.
*A lot of me is really, really, really, really sad that chapter of our lives is over.
*A lot of me is wondering what the heck happens next.
*As I just told Justinbustin, I always attach myself to old memories, I tend to think the new memories will be worse because I love the old ones so much, but I forget that one day the new memories will be old and I will love them just as much.
*As I told Brando I KNEW this was all coming, and I don't get why the emotion hits me NOW of all times. Why couldn't it have hit me them so I would fight harder to not let the house go? Not that I could've done anything, but I can tend to be pretty persuasive, I could've fought it at least, not willingly gone along with it all.
*Maybe. But maybe it's all futile, and I should just look forward to the new memories that will one day be old, and enjoy the memories being made now.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Indecision
I really dislike when I get paralyzed by indecision. This weekend is full of indecision.
*Which hotel to stay at - the Westin (which has the heavenly bed, is close to our event on Sunday, and has an included breakfast buffet) or the Renaissance (which we know and love, has an indoor pool, and a heavenly sauna)
*Whether to send my boys camping with their cousin or not - Justinbustin ended up going with his friend Tebo, and I convinced Shawners to stay, thank goodness. My nephew is awesome, but a guy in his young twenties himself and last time he watched the boys they pulled out the air soft guns out of our closet and played them without permission!! I did talk to my nephew about being extra aware that they are kids and need to be guided with the decisions they make, and I talked to their babysitter who is going along with them and asked her to keep an extra eye on them,.
*Whether to stay at a hotel at all. For the same amount of money we could go jet skiing! But that wouldn't be fantastic for my back, and we wouldn't get a night away.
Seemingly stupid stuff, like:
*How to get Justinbustin from camping Saturday night to church to volunteer with the kids' ministry Sunday morning
*Whether to encourage Justinbustin's relationship with Tebo by allowing Justinbustin to hang out with him, whose parents are European and very 'free' with their lifestyle, even though Tebo seems like a great kid he already has had a ton of girlfriends at this age - although to be fair Tebo is leaving for Paris for five weeks next Wednesday so Justinbustin won't be hanging out with him half the summer
*Whether I really want Shawners to go camping tomorrow night. He can get scared at night, and he hangs all over his cousin, which is inappropriate at his age and kinda annoying (he seems to do it because his cousin doesn't care, but I do care, and I don't want him doing it - totally remind myself of my parents right now tell my kids to stop hanging on their babysitter)
*Whether we'll have fun at the wine and music festival Sunday since we don't even drink wine!!! They have beer, too, but we don't drink beer either!! Brando has a really nasty reaction to beer (maybe cause of the wheat?) and I get a headache just like with wine. Good thing Chipotle and their margaritas are across the street (altho Brando reacts a little to those, too - I certainly don't :) ! Not yet, any way, and it better darn well stay that way! I try not to od on them so it does)
*How much to work on this wedding without ignoring the business Brando and I are starting, PSD that I've been working on pretty intensely lately, and my family besides.
*And this has nothing to do with anything going on this weekend - but in general whether to start yoga or not! I'm working on putting my body first physically (I went to the spa this weekend, and the minute my foot started hurting on Wednesday I made an acupuncture appointment and chiropractor appointment for the next morning - no more putting up with pain 'expecting' it to go away!), but exercise is the one thing I haven't ever given priority to - it's always just come along with having little ones, but I don't have little ones any more and it needs to be a priority. I don't want to spend the yoga for money, and that's the part I need to get over and put my body first physically!
*Which hotel to stay at - the Westin (which has the heavenly bed, is close to our event on Sunday, and has an included breakfast buffet) or the Renaissance (which we know and love, has an indoor pool, and a heavenly sauna)
*Whether to send my boys camping with their cousin or not - Justinbustin ended up going with his friend Tebo, and I convinced Shawners to stay, thank goodness. My nephew is awesome, but a guy in his young twenties himself and last time he watched the boys they pulled out the air soft guns out of our closet and played them without permission!! I did talk to my nephew about being extra aware that they are kids and need to be guided with the decisions they make, and I talked to their babysitter who is going along with them and asked her to keep an extra eye on them,.
*Whether to stay at a hotel at all. For the same amount of money we could go jet skiing! But that wouldn't be fantastic for my back, and we wouldn't get a night away.
Seemingly stupid stuff, like:
*How to get Justinbustin from camping Saturday night to church to volunteer with the kids' ministry Sunday morning
*Whether to encourage Justinbustin's relationship with Tebo by allowing Justinbustin to hang out with him, whose parents are European and very 'free' with their lifestyle, even though Tebo seems like a great kid he already has had a ton of girlfriends at this age - although to be fair Tebo is leaving for Paris for five weeks next Wednesday so Justinbustin won't be hanging out with him half the summer
*Whether I really want Shawners to go camping tomorrow night. He can get scared at night, and he hangs all over his cousin, which is inappropriate at his age and kinda annoying (he seems to do it because his cousin doesn't care, but I do care, and I don't want him doing it - totally remind myself of my parents right now tell my kids to stop hanging on their babysitter)
*Whether we'll have fun at the wine and music festival Sunday since we don't even drink wine!!! They have beer, too, but we don't drink beer either!! Brando has a really nasty reaction to beer (maybe cause of the wheat?) and I get a headache just like with wine. Good thing Chipotle and their margaritas are across the street (altho Brando reacts a little to those, too - I certainly don't :) ! Not yet, any way, and it better darn well stay that way! I try not to od on them so it does)
*How much to work on this wedding without ignoring the business Brando and I are starting, PSD that I've been working on pretty intensely lately, and my family besides.
*And this has nothing to do with anything going on this weekend - but in general whether to start yoga or not! I'm working on putting my body first physically (I went to the spa this weekend, and the minute my foot started hurting on Wednesday I made an acupuncture appointment and chiropractor appointment for the next morning - no more putting up with pain 'expecting' it to go away!), but exercise is the one thing I haven't ever given priority to - it's always just come along with having little ones, but I don't have little ones any more and it needs to be a priority. I don't want to spend the yoga for money, and that's the part I need to get over and put my body first physically!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Busy time of life
{{ahhhhhh}}
Trying to keep balls in air.
Trying to stay sane and not lose *all* my friends while doing so.
Trying to keep balls in air.
Trying to stay sane and not lose *all* my friends while doing so.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Doing it all
You know those people who seem like they can do it all? I totally feel like one of those people right now and really need to keep my bearings straight.
I offered to do the flowers for my nephew's wedding, and unbeknownst to me until last week, was taken up on it. I am SO excited for it. However, it is a LOT of work. I'm loving it, but at the same time I am losing focus on the business!! I need to set aside time to work on the flowers, and use that time alone and not let it leak over into the business. For those of you who know me, which, if you've been reading this blog o' mine, you do :) , I hyper focus on whatever it is I'm working on. Fortunately, the wedding is next month, so once it is over I will once again be able to hyper focus on the business. However, I have been hyper focusing on the flowers enough, that hopefully the majority of it will be over this Wednesday, and in the meantime I can continue to put all my energy into the business. Rhythm, R*se, remember, rhythm.
I offered to do the flowers for my nephew's wedding, and unbeknownst to me until last week, was taken up on it. I am SO excited for it. However, it is a LOT of work. I'm loving it, but at the same time I am losing focus on the business!! I need to set aside time to work on the flowers, and use that time alone and not let it leak over into the business. For those of you who know me, which, if you've been reading this blog o' mine, you do :) , I hyper focus on whatever it is I'm working on. Fortunately, the wedding is next month, so once it is over I will once again be able to hyper focus on the business. However, I have been hyper focusing on the flowers enough, that hopefully the majority of it will be over this Wednesday, and in the meantime I can continue to put all my energy into the business. Rhythm, R*se, remember, rhythm.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
OMG
So. freakin. bored. This gray weather always gets me SO moody. Justinbustin has a deadline for Boy Scouts tonight and every single time the organization of it all drives me BONKERS which isn't helping.
All In a Day's Work
Yesterday, I...
*held a meeting to discuss wedding flowers
*dropped off a school lunch
*hosted four ladies for lunch to discuss the rest of said wedding
*had a business meeting with my business mentor
*picked my boys up from school
*acted as a water victim for my first-class boy scout to rescue
*worked for three hours while I had four boys in my home
*drove my son to a youth group event
*had a business meeting with Brando while playing frisbee with our son
*held a meeting to discuss wedding flowers
*dropped off a school lunch
*hosted four ladies for lunch to discuss the rest of said wedding
*had a business meeting with my business mentor
*picked my boys up from school
*acted as a water victim for my first-class boy scout to rescue
*worked for three hours while I had four boys in my home
*drove my son to a youth group event
*had a business meeting with Brando while playing frisbee with our son
Monday, May 16, 2011
I'm loving...
working backwards from right now...
*that my boys are total geeks watching Prototype This
*that Justinbustin had the biggest grin on his face when we came home from our date that said I found a new super geeky show to love
*that my hubby took me on a date to get my craving - a Chipotle margarita and was totally okay with my drunk arse blabbering off one margarita (oh, Chipotle, you do me so well)
*that my hubby took my comment about wanting to "high-school makeout" (thanks, Teagan, for that ;) to the max
*that my hubby was watching the clock last night to make sure he could make it last as long as he could
*that I *did* feel like I was in high-school last night lol
*that I could feel that way after ten years of marriage
*that I was listening to the dance/hip hop radio station that I normally listen to today thinking "those were the days" but today I was thinking "that was last night"
*that my boys are total geeks watching Prototype This
*that Justinbustin had the biggest grin on his face when we came home from our date that said I found a new super geeky show to love
*that my hubby took me on a date to get my craving - a Chipotle margarita and was totally okay with my drunk arse blabbering off one margarita (oh, Chipotle, you do me so well)
*that my hubby took my comment about wanting to "high-school makeout" (thanks, Teagan, for that ;) to the max
*that my hubby was watching the clock last night to make sure he could make it last as long as he could
*that I *did* feel like I was in high-school last night lol
*that I could feel that way after ten years of marriage
*that I was listening to the dance/hip hop radio station that I normally listen to today thinking "those were the days" but today I was thinking "that was last night"
Inadequate
This morning we have a locksmith out replacing our car key for a whopping $250. We lost the key Friday night, and though it's in the house somewhere it's just not realistic to go without a car for any length of time, especially with the price of gas and having to drive Brando back and forth to work. We've only had one key since we got the car five years ago, so it was bound to happen sometime.
Talking to the locksmith we had an interesting conversation about the cost of kids rising as they get older. SO TRUE. I realized this yesterday when thinking about the cost of band for Justinbustin coming up this school year. $25-70/month for the instrument are you KIDDING me? The locksmith started off talking about his 15 year old son who wants a car as soon as he turns 16. He told his kid pretty much good luck with that. You can share mine, but I need it when I need it, or we can buy a $200 fixer-upper. The kid, of course, wants something that runs and looks cool. All I was thinking about was Justinbustin is already counting down the days til he turns fifteen - three years to be exact. Then, this locksmith guy just informed me that dance for girls is ridiculous. He said they pay $500/costume for three one-night performances a year. *jaw drop* Seriously?! We're practically paying a college education for these kids on sports and extra-curricular before they are even in high school.
On the flip side, though, the reason I want him to do these things and thus come up with the money to do it is so they'll WANT to go to college. So they'll see all these opportunities out there, stay motivated doing them, and actually have the desire and the motivation and the follow-thru to go to college.
This cost of everything really scares me, though. We hardly have the money to pay for anything now. How are we going to have it then? Starting this business is one way, and I pray it goes through the growing pains and blossoms into more than sufficient income in three years, because I don't want to be in this spot in three years. I want to be able to match the income Justinbustin makes to buy him his own car. Heck, I want to be able to buy him his own car, but still have him match the amount or even buy his own. I want to be able to help get him started with college. Oh, man, I really need to think about this, and start putting him on the path of paying for his own college if that's the route we are going to go. Any parents ever gone bankrupt/ruined due to paying for their kids' college? I definitely don't want to be in that boat. I want to be able to afford it, but then teach him how to go and pay for it as well.
Talking to the locksmith we had an interesting conversation about the cost of kids rising as they get older. SO TRUE. I realized this yesterday when thinking about the cost of band for Justinbustin coming up this school year. $25-70/month for the instrument are you KIDDING me? The locksmith started off talking about his 15 year old son who wants a car as soon as he turns 16. He told his kid pretty much good luck with that. You can share mine, but I need it when I need it, or we can buy a $200 fixer-upper. The kid, of course, wants something that runs and looks cool. All I was thinking about was Justinbustin is already counting down the days til he turns fifteen - three years to be exact. Then, this locksmith guy just informed me that dance for girls is ridiculous. He said they pay $500/costume for three one-night performances a year. *jaw drop* Seriously?! We're practically paying a college education for these kids on sports and extra-curricular before they are even in high school.
On the flip side, though, the reason I want him to do these things and thus come up with the money to do it is so they'll WANT to go to college. So they'll see all these opportunities out there, stay motivated doing them, and actually have the desire and the motivation and the follow-thru to go to college.
This cost of everything really scares me, though. We hardly have the money to pay for anything now. How are we going to have it then? Starting this business is one way, and I pray it goes through the growing pains and blossoms into more than sufficient income in three years, because I don't want to be in this spot in three years. I want to be able to match the income Justinbustin makes to buy him his own car. Heck, I want to be able to buy him his own car, but still have him match the amount or even buy his own. I want to be able to help get him started with college. Oh, man, I really need to think about this, and start putting him on the path of paying for his own college if that's the route we are going to go. Any parents ever gone bankrupt/ruined due to paying for their kids' college? I definitely don't want to be in that boat. I want to be able to afford it, but then teach him how to go and pay for it as well.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
fb
...wonders what everybody's obsession is with everybody knowing where they are all the time.
I haven't updated my status fb with where I am in way too long, and if I do, it's *after* I've done it. Not before or during.
Maybe I've lost the art of anticipation.
Maybe I want a little privacy.
Maybe I don't care what others think about where I am or what I'm doing.
Maybe I just want to get it done instead of talking about it.
It's probably that last one.
Or maybe I'm having to refind myself now that I'm not relying on my girlfriends' support four out of seven days of the week. When I do hang out with them now I get this huge burst of energy, followed by a down low where I have to reget used to focusing on family.
Lately I've heard about living life in rhythm, instead of in balance. I've yet to figure it out.
Maybe it's more simple than that.
Maybe I just get bored with things that are social norms.
And I'm bored with fb.
Maybe.
I haven't updated my status fb with where I am in way too long, and if I do, it's *after* I've done it. Not before or during.
Maybe I've lost the art of anticipation.
Maybe I want a little privacy.
Maybe I don't care what others think about where I am or what I'm doing.
Maybe I just want to get it done instead of talking about it.
It's probably that last one.
Or maybe I'm having to refind myself now that I'm not relying on my girlfriends' support four out of seven days of the week. When I do hang out with them now I get this huge burst of energy, followed by a down low where I have to reget used to focusing on family.
Lately I've heard about living life in rhythm, instead of in balance. I've yet to figure it out.
Maybe it's more simple than that.
Maybe I just get bored with things that are social norms.
And I'm bored with fb.
Maybe.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Doing it Again
There's something about when PSD gets a TON of comments that freaks me out a little. I am so personable that I don't like not being able to respond personally to each comment. I've fixed that a little in that I respond to all of the comments at once. Usually I start to freak out and start posting super personal stuff as posts, though, which, let's face it, is sometimes a lot of blither (which is why it's now here). I realize it scares people away, and so I do it. This time my sister pointed out to me that bad stress is the same amount of good stress and just like bad stress where we push through, do what we have to do, not care what others think, find out who our true friends are, and make it through, we have to push through, do what we have to do, not care what others think, find out who our true friends are, and make it through with good stress, too. Getting a lot of comments is good stress. And obviously what I've been working towards as an experiment for what is going to work with our business site. Now that I've had a little bit of success, it's time to start outlining what worked and what didn't. What made a difference, and what made no difference. It's time to take the next step and move it towards the business, while still maintaining and experimenting with PSD. Which is kind of scary. I can be really bad about taking the next step. One thing I noticed when I home-schooled the boys was I really, really wanted to drill everything into them until they knew it like the back of their hand. I didn't want to move them on, past what I was currently teaching them. Which is stifling. You don't learn anything new that way. But I do it with myself. I want to stay in one place where I'm comfortable and not push out of the cocoon to the next stage. But if I think about it, that's not truly what I want to do. I want to go to the next stage. I can't wait to see what it brings. I want to move forward.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Comment on Moving
I feel you. The difference between me and you, though, is you were EXCITED about this move. I wasn't. The few things that helped me get settled, though, may help you even more since you actually are excited. The things that got me settled the most quickly were, one, making sure to do the same things we did in the old house--strange, quirky things, like watching tv shows in bed at night while eating ice cream, having Sunday be a family day, going bike riding - things we do normally but that get thrown off kilter and forgotten about but still desperately needed in the hustle of a move. A second thing that would've helped had I done it, but I didn't do it the entire year we were there because I didn't want to be there, was decorate and make it feel comfortable immediately. Make sure to have the same or new cozy type of spots you had in the old place. A third thing that I didn't do until way too late, but did end up making happy memories in the place was make new traditions--find new nearby places to walk to or drive to that are different from the old places you walked to and drove to but are just as unique and enjoyable. Finally, scout all the eating places in a one mile radius. We tend to eat out a lot and a few times we ended up driving fifteen minutes away to near our old place to eat solely because we didn't scout out the places near us and when it got time to eat, we were too cranky to do it. If I think of more, I'll let you know! So glad you asked, I've been meaning to write this down, and now that I have, I will save it for a post : ) !
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