Who I Am

I just realized something about myself. When I feel like an injustice has been done, I cut the person I feel was responsible out of the picture. Especially when it comes to my son. This can be a detrimental thing.

Justinbustin went on a boy scout camping trip and got bit 72+ times by chiggers. His reaction to bug bites is pretty intense - in other words you gasp when you look at the swollen bites on his leg. He's staying home from sch*ol for the second day today. The boy scout trip he went on was a black *ps mission trip. Only. He didn't get to do the super boy fun black *ps part. He had to man a station. Because he's on the A team/leadership team. First off, I've always been a little pissy that they didn't freakin' assign him a leadership position in the first place when they were assigning everybody else from his pack a position. I had to freakin' email and ask. Only then did they 'come up' with a few positions that they offered him. Both which kinda sucked in my opinion - troop secretary or quartermaster (takes inventory of all supplies). It actually makes me see red thinking about it. I didn't say anything. He took on quartermaster and has been doing something (I think) with it since. Not really much, because his position isn't required for every trip like I would love it to be, but he does something sometimes. That made me mad. I felt that was an injustice. But I let it ride.

Now. As a result, he is on the A-Team/leadership team which is kinda cool because not a lot of kids are on it. At the same time, not a lot of kids are on it besides all the Dads. So when it's only him and one other kid, and that other kid has to go home early, guess who's stuck eating by himself with all the Dads? Yeah. He kinda liked that part, but it PISSed me off, especially since HIS dad wasn't there. In addition, the whole not being part of the black *ps thing? He said he had to be manning a station because he was on the A team. So here he goes to this event he's super looking forward to, nobody tells him he won't be allowed to participate, I spend $66 buying stupid effen (sorry, I'm really mad) supplies for said black *ps that ALL the other kids end up flippin' using, comes home covered in chiggers, and gets tears in his eyes every time I ask him about what happened that night.

Not only am I RAGING MAMA BEAR MAD, I also start to wonder did something else happen? At some point, he's the only kid with a bunch of Dads. NOT EXACTLY the buddy system they are supposed to have. This part really gets me mad. What else happened? Brando says to stop questioning Justinbustin, but I'm not going to. Why is my son getting tears in his eyes when I ask him about a darn campout?

Okay. So all that. Then, I realize, I just want to take him out of the troop. I am done. SO DONE. And then I start crying the minute I type that because that is the dumbest way to go. But I am SO MAD I want to get back at these people and take away my precious son from them so they can't hurt him anymore. Then, I realize, that's what I did with his youth group (he's now transitioned into one that he goes to up here with a good friend from school) when the leader tried to convince me to hold him back in effen youth group and Justinbustin cried many tears saying his friends are where he's at and he doesn't want to be held back in youth group - it's already happened at school through no fault of his own (his birthday affected it, and the fact that when we first put him in school we put him a grade higher because the grade he should've gone in was full, which we evened out later). I don't want to do what I did with youth group with boy scouts, too.

Then, I realize, this is what I did with Jer*my. The biological Dad. When he decided he didn't want to be a part of our lives, I cut him out. I said okay. See ya. I am SO DONE with you. And I think I've been doing it ever since. I realized I did it with me, but I was fine with that. I was fine with cutting people out of my life who didn't deserve to be there. Now, if I do that to my son, he will miss out on some amazing opportunities he is privileged to be a part of. Now that I think about it, maybe I have missed out on some amazing opportunities myself, but I haven't cared. I can't do that to him, especially when he does care, and when he does have a choice.

So. Going forward. I realize what we SHOULD've done with youth group. We should've gotten involved. Been a part of what was going on. Instead of resisting, we should've been part of the solution. So now I am going to ask Brando to step up his involvement with Justinbustin's boy scouts - be there for the next few meetings. Figure out what is going on and how he can help Justinbustin be the leader I realize he wants to be. Figure out why he may be being ostracized. Is he not stepping up enough? Are they stepping on him? WHAT is going on?! And note to myself MAKE SURE you know who Justinbustin is riding with. This last time he rode with a guy I've only talked to once, this was the same guy who told him he couldn't do the black *ps. Maybe he was trying to be helpful, I don't know, but I am friends with most of the dads, and this one is not my friend. Make sure next time he ONLY goes with those who are my friends. There was one there who is my friend, but I thought I'd let Justinbustin go a little this time and not make a big deal out of him going with that person like I have in the past. Big mistake. Next time, he goes with a friend, and I am going to tell him so so that he is the one that can make sure it happens.

Breathe

Seriously. Just breathe. Catching up from this trip has been INSANE. Here's an example from yesterday:

7:45am-9am Blogged (this is a minimal time for blogging, I am learning to include reading, commenting, photos, etc)

10am-11am Inspirational chat & coffee with KT at my home

11am Run

11:20am Shower

11:45am Pick up Justinbustin for lunch and discover he is meeting with the principal and vice principal

11:45-12:10pm Listen in on Justinbustin's and the principals and vps meeting

12:10pm Take Justinbustin to lunch

12:10pm-1:10pm Work with Justinbustin on understanding what "algaebraically" means & the shortest way to show his work algabraeically while eating

1:10pm-1:50pm Work with Justinbustin on his revolution poster

1:50pm Run home and use the bathroom

2:20pm Turn around and come back to school to find a parking spot

2:50pm Meet with Justinbustin's gifted teacher to discuss his progress on upcoming project

3:10pm Meet with Justinbustin's math teacher to ask if the algaebraic way Justinbustin came up with to show his work is acceptable (she ok'd it)

3:10-3:30pm Meet with Justinbustin's gifted teacher to finish discussing progress

3:30pm Pick up Shawners

3:30-3:45pm Discuss schedule for the afternoon with the boys in the car

3:45pm-5pm Supervise Justinbustin's homework

5pm-6pm Take boys to the pool for outside time

6:30pm Drop Shawners off at flag football practice

7pm Take Justinbustin to boy scouts

8pm Have Brando pick Shawners up from football practice

8-8:30pm Say hi to Mi

8:30pm Pick Justinbustin up from boy scouts

Today wasn't much better:

9:45am-11am Chiro appt

11am Pick up healthy breakfast from Whole Foods of OJ & Odwalla Protein Super Foods Bar

12pm Pick up Shawners for lunch

1pm Bring Shawners back to school

1pm-2:45pm Meet with the vice principal, principal, and Brando

2:45pm Bring boys home from school

3pm TRY to stay hands off with Justinbustin's agenda and ask him self-probing questions such as, "Do you have everything you need?", "How do you know?", "How are you going to break up this coming project?"

4pm-6pm Try to continue the above

6pm Get ready to go to friends going away party

7:30pm Go to friends going away party *crossing fingers* my headache will be gone by then

I can't even remember how crazy Wednesday was. I am aware it included volunteering and a chiro appt and a frustrated email about the three hours of homework Justinbustin had.

Can't wait to RELAX.

Oh my word

This week has been a WEEK. I'll bullet point it to save you the blabber

*Tuesday was the biggest meltdown Brando and I have had in a loooong time. Reverting back to eighteen or nineteen year old methods of arguing meltdown. Pathetic. Went over to Li's house and cried on her bed. She had just gotten done crying herself as the tension is so high between her sister and her who live together as Li is considering moving away to her hometown and M is not happy about it. Fortunately, B and I are on the mend. I went on immediate damage control and let my girlfriends know so that I had some space to do what we needed to. Good thing, too, cause their weeks ended up being just as horrendous as mine and I wouldn't have had the energy to support them and what I needed to do as well. This week I'm going on helping girlfriends recover time while still trying to manage the balance of family as well. Will let you know how that goes.

*Thursday Brando and I argued back and forth all day about what went down Tuesday night and came to somewhat of an agreement.

*Friday we were back on the same pageish. I found out my childhood BF's brother's heart stopped and they induced a coma to keep him alive. It snowed in Texas. Justinbustin walked half a mile in the cold in the evening and came home with a sore throat and a fever.

*Saturday we stayed home all day due to Justinbustin being sicked. Ended up cooking at home Saturday night instead of going out, which saved us a buttload of money.

*Sunday we spent that buttload of money we saved on remedies for Justinbustin. I found out my Dad had been in the ER the night before - fortunately it turned out it was for kidney stones and he bought himself a giant teddy bear for being in the hospital. I also found out Li is staying for the next year (yay!) which had been throwing me off as well thinking of her moving back to her hometown and her sister, M, moving into another apartment away from me. I have come to lean on them living next door so much, I really need to separate myself from that for when they really do move next year - or we do. In addition I found out Li's second mother, her nanny from childhood, passed away Friday. On top of that my childhood BF's brother's heart stopped again and they had to restart it again. They have to decide whether to let him live or die if it stops again as the chance is high he will be a vegetable if it does. Pray that it doesn't stop again.

*Today I finally caught up with my BFF, KT, after I hadn't talked to her all week due to damage control on my part from Tuesday's blowout. Turns out her week was miserable as well. Her childhood BF's dad passed away on Friday, her birthdays along with her sisters' birthdays and her dad's are all within the span of a month and these are the first birthdays without her mom here. She's having issues with binge eating to mask her emotions. Fortunately, we had an amazing hour long conversation and agreed it's a new week! She texted me this morning like she always does and I finally decided enough is enough and had to pick up the phone and call her to catch each other up. So glad I did. She always puts things in perspective for me. I love KT & PSD time - however we get ot have it.

So that's my crazy heck of a weekend. No, I haven't been tracking, but fortunately my weight is staying the same. I love the way I feel when I eat healthy and I've been attempting to maintain it. I did splurge on chips, guac, and hummus last night but not having dinner made up for it. Plus, I love how healthy fresh guac is with tomato, onion, lime juice, and garlic! Red pepper hummus is delicious as well. And Kettle Chips are delicious and as natural as a potato chip can get, thank goodness. Having my morning cup of coffee now, and can't wait to eat a huge bowl of fruit salad and snack on fresh cut up veggies all day. Weight Watchers introduced a new plan that takes into account good calories versus bad and makes most fruit 0 points which means I can eat fruit salad all day mixed in with veggies and feel totally full and satisfied without straying. Yum!

Oh my gosh

I am so, SO torn inside. I just sent an appeal letter to Justinbustin and Shawner's school I want them to be in SO bad this year. I just found out they have all but fourth grade closed to transfers for next year. My backup plan is to homeschool them and that will totally throw off my own schooling. I am crossing my fingers and trying to think of every. possible. way. I could get them there besides walking away from our lease and moving to a home the four of us can't agree on. I am so, SO torn. Praying that God opens ears and hearts right now and they take the boys under their wing as they did with Justinbustin two years ago.