Sunday, September 30, 2012

Homesick for the Blog World

Crazy urge to be a super involved blogger again. Probably just because I have a moment to breathe for once. I have this crazy urge to go comment on a bunch of blogs and find out all about people's lives behind the scenes as we share in the blog world. Won't happen since such is not my focus anymore but oh how I miss the super connection with the blog world so very much right now. So happy to be connected so closely to the few people who still blog regularly from those days and the few new ones who've somehow managed to instantly fallen into that world with ease.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Chillaxin

Been an awesome day. Little cranky still but I'm coming off the bleeding so that's expected as my post PMS comes back. Field trip with Justinbustin's robotics team this morning to a senior center again. So proud of that man. So polite and takes on so much responsibility in between being a kid. Brought his friend and him to donuts afterward - a blueberry donut for me. Yum.

Folded laundry and managed the boys into cleaning up the areas they tornado through as well do their chores while waiting for Brando to come home from work.

Though the rain was forecasted to come down all day, nary a drop was in sight by mid afternoon so a few hours after Brando got home we took off with no end goal in mind. Shawner's friend called as we pulled out of the driveway so we swung by his house and brought him with us. Ended up driving a half hour detour for the pleasure of being out on a gray day to the nearest Chipotle, where the rain finally poured down while the boys ate inside and watched the gorgeous rain pour outside. By the time we left, the rain had stopped. Couldn't have had better timing if we tried.

Headed home where I finally folded more laundry. Can you tell I got over not being able to show Brando I love him via his love language ie acts of service? This was SUCH a major contention in our lives until I realized, then accepted, and finally understood along with him years ago, that this is truly his love language. Any who, he usually folds all the laundry these days so me folding *any* load is love, and I must have folded five today. Love you, honey ;) . Now we're chilling on the bed taking in the time to actually relax for once. Love.

Middle school band night

Justinbustin's band played at half time at the high school football game in the rain last night. So adorable watching him play his heart out on his trombone, but the crowds teeming with energy, the totally inappropriate music for middle schoolers or high schoolers, the noise of the occasionally soaked thus static filled speakers, the college-level stadium nicer than some colleges even in high school, and being wet and cold from the gorgeous snow-like falling rain drove me crazy. The boys?

Shawn: That was a fun experience!
Me: So you liked the night?
Shawn: I loved it!

Me: What'd you think about tonight, Justinbustin?
Justinbustin: Awesome!

Brando: That was the best night I've had in awhile.

Go figure.

I loved seeing Justinbustin play, in the rain no less. Each middle school band student had a high school buddy. I had noticed Justinbustin talking to a sweet looking older student with a bun and glasses through out the night between songs. When he showed me a shirt his high school buddy made him, I asked him if she was his high school buddy. He said yes. I am so proud of his conversational skills talking to her throughout the evening. I loved seeing him enjoy being out in the rain and being around such a huge crowd of people. I love that he had a blast at something I would've found completely nerve-wracking, intimidating, and overwhelming, while the night didn't even phase him. I loved that his Dad walked through the rain to go pick him up from the band hall and had me wait in the car in a non-traffic filled area to get him home earlier.

I loved watching him sweetly play his trombone and keep his instrument working smoothly between songs I love that he unabashedly walked up to me and talked to me several times while I was the mom that hovered on the other side of the rail trying to catch a glimpse of my son. I love him. :)

Off to another senior center this morning, where a few weeks ago Justinbustin and a sixth grader who was paired with him since Justinbustin is the more mature one out of the three older 7th grade boys on the team, interviewed a senior who told them, "You are very courteous, and I can tell how intelligent you are. I am proud of you."

Friday, September 28, 2012

Eyebrows done

Paid thirty bucks but had them tweezed instead of the waxed so crossing fingers no breaking out. She did something wonky with one of where she removed the top to make it a little skinnier to match the other. That kind of weirded me out but they turned out okay after doing make up. And I didn't have to spend three hours on them to shape them myself.

Lush

Can't believe my beautiful foliage I love so much is blooming new flowers for the fall.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

SO Happy

*I started my period. That helps everything. Totally not being sarcastic. My PMS on edge feeling goes away the second, to be blunt, the blood flows. Heavy as all get out. Guess I'm going to have to get used to that now.

*Dropped head chair of chess club. So, so, SO relieved, and SO happy I did. Once I stepped down,  the lady who had been chair previously and I were able to divvy up the duties according to our strengths. Even though I'd previously asked her to deal with her mistake, I still found myself communicating with another mistake that hadn't been taken care of.  Instead of our activities being redundant, because, one, she is so fantastic at dealing with parents. I, on the other hand, take an hour to write an email to a parent because I'm so concerned about what their reaction might be. She will write the email in five minutes, send the email, and forget about the email. All while writing her dissertation and being a director at a university (another supermom. These ladies, I tell ya, are amazing). Perfect, because I like to organize on the back end, take care of sign in, etc. Today I picked up forms, created three spreadsheets, and returned a few emails from other PTA board members. Perfect.

*Consequently, the wall between Brando and I has been dropped. I don't have other parents' reactions on my mind 24/7. I can handle working with other people who have similar goals, it's when I have to deal with people who are in the game for themselves where I get overwhelmed saying what has to be said. Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!

*Justinbustin had another b*y sc*ut c*urt of honor tonight. Earned an Eagle b*dge and another b*dge. Saw him sitting with the older scouts for the first time. That was strangely neat.

*Speaking of Justinbustin, I lectured/"parented" him eye-to-eye the other day for the first time. I had to stop and laugh in the middle of sternly telling him whatever I was telling him, and comment on the eye-to-eye factor. He laughed realizing exactly what I was talking about. Then I warned him I'm going to have to kick him in the balls like Aunt Windy did with her sons if he messes off. We were both laughing too hard by then to continue what we were even talking about in the first place.

*Shawners is a BALL of energy lately bouncing from side to side and up and down. Even when the rest of us are cranky he's still singing songs and making up stories in the backseat. The whole event is adorable and I feel awful asking him to be quiet because we just. need. quiet. Especially when he starts to sing quietly instead. Adorableness. Can't believe he's in fifth grade. My last year of elementary school unless we have another. Craziness. Can't believe he'll be a sixth grader next year. Thinking about such actually hurts my brain.

*Off to spend time with my handsome man whom I'm not pushing away anymore...

Monday, September 24, 2012

Spent most of today in bed before I toughed it out and wrapped up a bazillion emails. I didn't drop chess club. I drew a few boundaries, though. One being the previous chair needs to communicate her scufuffle with the parents. Not me. I don't deal with parents well. On top of the fact, the mistake is not mine to deal with. She was fine with the fact, I just had to ask. What I signed on for *is* something I'm passionate about. That was not.

Learning, learning, learning. A lot about boundaries this year apparently.

And egos, maybe. Whole other subject altogether. I feel like judgemental people are being thrown in my face left and right. I recognize them quickly now, after being caught off guard so many times. The more I open up the more they pop up out of nowhere ready to shove me back down. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to learn through all this, except to maybe not effen care?

Regardless, I have *got* to get through this PMS. I bought my acidolphus today as I'd run out which helps me not snap at least. But man am I being bitchy to Brando, who really doesn't need that right now after finally getting some relief from a certain stress at work, only for me to throw crap at him. Only I've been so cranky and have no desire to do his love language to show him I care that I don't quite know how to stop. I'm being selfish and want my my my love language. More more and more quality time. Probably because I'm draining myself elsewhere I want him to fill me up (that's what she said harhar). Got to get a handle on that!! ARGH. How do people *do* it? It being give so much of themselves to others and still have space, love, and energy for their families and husbands. Actually there's a whole online community for such called P31. Maybe I need to join one if I want to keep this up in any sort of capacity without falling apart :/ !
I realize a lot of my posts have holes in them. I say what I'm doing, but didn't mention when I started. One of the reasons for that is I don't want to talk about something until it's finished and done. As with the chess club, it's pointless if I don't follow through. More than that, it's something personal for myself though, that I don't talk about something until I've completed the task. One of the reasons being, I have so many balls in the air I'm afraid if I put them down on paper I'll instantly be overwhelmed. On the upside, I've gotten over being overwhelmed by putting my things on the calendar. The calendar is so full any way I hardly notice my own amongst the revelry. so at least they are there :) . Most of them, any way. Just realized my regular things I do each week aren't on there including two things for today and a few things Thursday. Oops. Maybe I still do get overwhelmed if every little thing is written down, but I've definitely improved!



Sunday, September 23, 2012

Looking back thru my posts this semester I can see I am spiraling. I think I took too much on and I can't handle my family, my emotions, and everything I've taken on. I'm starting to keep myself busy to escape my emotions. Now I've acquired so much busy work I'm either going to have to drop the things important to me - prayer group, robotics, volunteering or drop the commitments I've taken on - yearbook, chess club. I think I'm going to back out of chess club. It's turning out to be more than I thought and I don't have time for it. I want to go to prayer group tomorrow but I feel I need to stay in bed just to recover from the weekend and be able to handle the week ahead and I don't want to do that. I'm going to have to drop chess club. I can't handle it. I thought I could. I can't without the cost of something else.
Ugh. Why does church throw me off so these days? We go once in how many years and I'm a freaking mess. Perhaps because I realize everything we're not instead of appreciating what we are. Whatever it is I walk away bitter and hateful against everything especially those who fucking judge us for not going to church or not doing enough. I think I'm still not over what Brando's supposed friends did to us, and I'm bitter over it. I haven't forgiven them, and the only person it's destroying is me. That and my family when I let my feelings affect them. I don't know how to get over it. I am so angry towards this person I thought was my friend. Years have passed and still it affects me. She emailed me via linked in the other day. Seriously?! Who does that?! It's not like she can't get my fucking phone number which hasn't changed. Regardless I SO BADLY want to go back to where we were, to be friends, to hang out as couples, to feel like they were a special part of our family as they felt, but how can you do that when someone holds your every move against you and holds their own insecurities against you? Not communicating back is against my nature, but what am I to say, to open myself up to be hurt and waste energy once again? I'm wasting energy thinking about it, I guess I might as well waste energy talking to her about it.

Ugh. I must be PMSing hard again. Why the fuck has my PMS been so flipping harsh lately? I thought I'd figured that out years ago.

I can feel myself falling and bed sounds like a pretty nice place to retreat to.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Favorite Pandora music station lately

Of Monsters and Men

Texting across the house

Teagan mentioned how bored she was with recent texts with a boy toy. Made me realize how very much I love my texts from my hubby. Hasn't always been that way but slowly over the years - maybe even the last year if you go back and read my texting posts - we've learned each other's texting love language, and he way more than I, I have to admit. From the texts from today:

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Silly man

Ms. Mere hard at work decorating her mom's restaurant for Allison's baby shower. Just found these on my phone and realized I needed to upload them to my computer. This one's too cute, though.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Somebody stop me!! I'm addicted to drumsticks. Especially the ones with the cookies pieces in the chocolate shell. If I could just have seventy-two bottoms of the cones with chocolate in them then I wouldn't need the rest of the cone. I just realized THAT'S WHY THEY DO THAT. They had me at tiny chocolate cone. I can't believe I've been duped. No more!! Now maybe the kids will stop wondering where all the drumsticks have gone.
Holy crap, I'm having a nostalgic, regretful sort of day.

*I missed the boat to volunteer for the library in Justinbustin's school. I *thought* the office needed help so when the library email came around, I emailed back saying I was going to volunteer in the office this year. By the time she got back to me saying the office volunteer list was full and I got back to her saying I'd do library, library was full. AHHHHHH. I am so panicky and stressed that I won't be able to be in Justinbustin's school once a week to observe the dynamics of seventh grade. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. they have been in school except for 4th grade for Justinbustin and 2nd grade for Shawners (the sucky year for everybody when I was in full time school and too busy to do anything including pull them out of a crappy school) I have been involved in doing something weekly. In elementary (HUGE tip for you public schoolers, by the way) I did Wednesday folders, which I'm still doing for Shawners this year. I LOVE Wednesday folders. It allows me to be in the classroom once a week on a regular basis, converse with the teachers in a conversational manner, and observe the dynamics of the classroom, my kids' work habits, and relationships. Love, love, LOVE it. The library with Justinbustin was PERFECT because he came in every morning and I would observe the same, minus the teachers - although they would come in occasionally as well so at least I got to know their faces not something that's very common in middle school. I also mistakenly believed Justinbustin wouldn't be in there for lunch time, total fail on my part because of COURSE he'd be in there at lunch time as then is his only time to be in there this year. UGH. I am SO SO SO MAD at myself. Okay, I have to get over it. I am praying a spot opens up - not for a bad reason (maybe someone gets a full time job?) and I can come in. I already emailed the volunteer coordinator AND the librarian since I know her from last year. Crossing fingers and praying I get a spot! By the way, on another positive note, how COOL is vying for a volunteer spot at school versus nobody wants to or is available to volunteer at all and they are desperate to fill the positions?! This is one of the reasons we love these particular schools so much - the parents are so involved and jump at the chance to volunteer and be involved. Mostly because they can afford to, at the same time, nobody says they HAVE to, they definitely want to and choose to.

*For those of you on my facebook (pretty sure that's all of you) and saw my latest status, do you want to know something? I look back at my *own* pictures and think, wow, life was perfect back then. Even two weeks ago!! Then, I snap myself out of it and remind myself of all the difficult things and work we went through to have those moments and get there. One thing I definitely DON'T regret is deciding about seven years ago to ONLY take pictures of happy moments where we are all getting along and loving each other. That way when I look back at pictures now, I don't have to question if they were truly happy moments, I realize they are, but I also realize all the work to get to that moment.

*Took my neighbor's little girl, K, to school today. Her Mom dropped her off early this morning while the boys were still getting ready. By the time I was ready and went out to get her, she was in tears on the couch. M had told me she'd been crying when she dropped her off early at a friend's house to go to school and said she'd been asking if her Mom could drop her off at my house instead, so her crying made me SO sad. I asked her if she knew why she was crying and she said, yes, she missed her mommy. My heart broke for her. I took her and Shawners to Starb*cks before school for berry coffee cake and chocolate milk, then read one of the books from her backpack to her before I dropped her and Shawners off. Then, I promptly texted her Mom who said K is leaving to her Dad's right after school - her Dad's wife is picking her up, which might be the reason she was so teary. That made ME want to cry!! I think that might be one of my panicky stressful feelings right now, my heart hurts for her SO MUCH. I told M next time I'll have her come in and get ready with me. I'm not used to having girls, but I think I would've enjoyed the company when I was little.

Whew. Okay, I really think the K thing was stressing me out. I actually wanted to pick her up after school today as well, so when I heard her Dad's wife was picking her up it made me even sadder. Maybe I'll go sit at lunch with her instead. Yes, I think I will.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Should've done this *weeks* ago before Cali and before Allison's baby shower. Too bad time didn't allow. But now my nails are officially unjanked. And are sooo pretty!! They change to Tiffany blue inside and sea foam green outside.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Today's day and age

My child just texted me from across the house. Hilarious. What's even more hilarious is I texted him back. His response: lol luv u.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

What the eff is wrong with me?! I'm breaking down over a stupid poster board. The lady who is "over" me who I did NOT sign up to work with (I volunteered when another lady asked me to and was answering my questions that I loved working with) told me I did not need one that they would make one for me. Yet EVERY single other booth fucking has one. I feel so underprepared and stupid. To make matters worse the lady who I'm pissed off at that told me I didn't need one approached me and of course I said I felt underprepared because I don't have a poster board. Then quickly walked away to avoid the rainfall of tears that hasn't stopped. Now I'm sitting in a corner waiting for the stupid rainfall to stop. And I just looked in the mirror and my eyes are bright red. Fuck.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

SO MANY wonderful, amazing things to post and think about. Instead I'm having major social anxiety over having to show up for a booth at a Parent Info night tomorrow at Shawner's school. Us Moms are so judgy anyhow and now I have to put myself in front of ALL of them. Full blown panic attack forthcoming. Why the eff did I sign on for this?!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

So not on the priority list

I'm stalling on getting the day started mostly because I just now realized I need to turn my pandora on. Any way back to the subject at hand (home?) - new bathroom items that make me smile every time I see them. I love going to stay in other peoples' houses and discovering things I love to use that make life easier. I discovered this pretty weight scale at my aunts place in Cali and also the enlargement mirror - hers was a suction mirror onto the big window but when I found this one at Costco for $20 with a built in light especially with the lighting in my bathroom being so yellow I couldn't resist. That and I immediately went and picked up the weight scale at Costco for $20 as well. The black and white seat opens up into a holding area - perfect for all the laundry that had been collecting in the same spot. And since Shawners had borrowed one of our bathroom rugs for his bathroom we'd been needing new rugs and these ones go perfectly with our towels. These are Nautica for $17 and the seat was $20 as well. You can't see it in the photos but the black and white ties in a with a few black accessories including a silhouette of a kissing boy and girl which we got on our honeymoon and hangs above the seat, and the pattern on the seat cover matches the pattern on our bedspread visually behind it in person. The stripes on the rug match another pattern on our bedspread. Looking for all these ways to make my new items tie in make me feel professional haha. Actually it justifies that I love the new look and think it looks good. BONUS: Can you find our sweet Brownie dog all curious about what the heck I'm doing in our new mirror?