Pregnant or not it's been messing with my head.

Justinbustin is practicing his trombone with his friend, who is also practicing trombone. The overload of boy noise is a little too much, and the Rihanna in my headphones is not quite drowning it out.

Moments like these make me want to go home today. LOL, I'd drop them off at my mother-in-laws and be like see ya'! Tell me when he gets better.

My mother-in-law gave me my way more than generous birthday present today after an emotional week of highs and lows discussing certain other family members with her.

Justinbustin's friend, who is a grade ahead of him and is helping teach him the trombone, just shouted, "Yeah, you got it. I'm a teacher!"

I don't know what I'm going to do this school year. School stressed the hell out of me, and stress makes me look old. Shallow, yes? But I don't care. I haven't done school since I was ten years old, and it's not in the fabric of my being to not stress about it.

I've lost motivation for the business, but I'm not sure if that's because with the summer the kids were home, or if I've truly lost motivation because it's time to take it out the door, and well, I don't do that.

I LOVEd my summer with the boys, but with the boys back in school leaves time for self-reflection.

How. did. I. end. up. here? This is such a weird spot to be in. Mother of a middle schooler at 30. Paying for band, kids in public school (so did not EVER think I would be sending my kids to public school, especially after years of home school and half private/half home school).

I love Adele. She's coming to Austin in October. Too bad after I sold my Katy Perry tickets I decided I'm glad I didn't go. I hate crowds. I remember going to an Eagles concert with Brando when I first met him. I don't remember the concert. I remember the crowd and how uncomfortable I felt in it.

I went to Justinbustin's pep rally the other night. I literally got tears in my eyes being overwhelmed by the cheers, the noise, and the crowd (the sixth graders won the spirit stick - yeah!).

My husband is amazing, grocery shopping after a full day of work.

I feel like the more reclusive I am the more reclusive I become.

On the upside, today was the first day I *thought* it was going to be less than 100 degrees since May. I got all excited and went hiking with a friend. Turns out it wasn't under 100 degrees today. I hike in 100+ degree weather. I rock.

My son is playing the trombone! Kinda cool, right? I never played in band.

My younger son got a super organized, possibly a bit strict teacher. So far he loves the class! Plus, our neighbor's girl whose birth I was at goes to kindergarten at his school this year. So cute.

My husband is amazing. And he constantly is over and over again.

I bought hang gliding lessons for Brando and I to try. Oh, so nervous, but oh so excited!


Life is one big, strange, happy mess, isn't it?

Um. So we just "tried" for a baby. And I want a baby, another one. I just don't want to be pregnant. 'Cuz being pregnant is freaking difficult, and bloaty, and heavy, and painful, and I'm freaking out just a bit.

Where am I and what am I doing?

Just went through all the kids' artwork from previous days and WOW they had done SO much. Leaves me wondering where I am these days. Somehow I thought my life would have more sustenance. Instead, my kids are friends with apartment kids from broken families, we are living in an apartment in a school district we love but could never afford to buy a house in, and when we go to visit Cali my kids beg and beg and beg us to move there.

What has my life come to? I ask myself.

Back in 2007 we built a house. And then didn't move in. Lately I've been full of regret about that decision. I looked back in my blog and realized three months after we signed the contract to start building the house we started one of our most difficult times in our marriage. And, somehow, I realize if we had moved into that house maybe our marriage wouldn't have lasted. Still, I am so ready for a little more room than this 2 bedroom apartment. I am ready to have a place to call home.

Whether it be in Santa Cruz or here.

So not ready to go home

Really, really, REALLY don't want to.

The transition to my MIL's new place went GREAT.

My MIL lives three blocks from the beach where we've made amazing new memories at the beautiful beachside resort also three blocks away.

With my new baby niece from Brando's brother, my heart is torn going back home when such a precious baby girl is here.

The kids are begging for us to stay longer, Brando is begging to stay longer, and, heck, I'm begging to stay longer.

This trip was a pure FAMILY trip and I've loved EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT.

I want to stay here.

I want to live here.

Again.