Shopping Spree

Brando took me on a shopping spree for my birthday today - whee!! ...and to make up for telling me Friday night that he a place he wanted to take me to... to my car.

Wanted to find pictures of the items, but I could only find similar items... the ones I got are much cuter:

Mine ties at the bottom, doesn't have the white at the top, and has a much softer and cuter floral pattern.

Mine is an olive green and super cute.

Exactly what I got, but it looks oh so much better in person. The perfect white dress to take to Greece if I were ever to go. For now, I can just pretend :) .

Mine is a deep red, and looks so much better in that color. It's gorgeous.

I also got some adorable jean cut offs with the pink striped pockets hanging down below the cut-off (finally fell for that trend - just one pair so far, though), and am getting another pair of shorts in the mail that I am crossing fingers will fit!

Confession Time

Do you ever get bored with leaving a comment? Like it starts getting too long because you have too much to say and then you just get bored with trying to cut stuff out and not leave the comment at all. Or, you attempt to leave a comment and you have to go through that word verification thing a few too many times or even attempt it at all on a smart phone and say screw it. No? Just me? Okay, then.

Okay I have to admit

After the principal of the boys' school told me to "Remember to breathe.", I did. I remembered to eat, too - four of Trader Joe's Chocolate Chip Chewy Coated Granola Bars to be exact. And read blogs, and add new ones. And now I'm going to play with California pictures! Work is done (for now), and it is so play time.

I feel like I slept over at my boyfriend's house last night

Brando and I went to an event he photographed for last night. I met him halfway between home and his work and dumped everything I had in his car (camera, purse, cover up, sandals for when my feet got sore), then proceeded to empty the contents of my purse in his trunk so I could fit my new to me but his old camera in there inconspicuously. We had an absolute fantabulous time and when we got home last night I tried to salvage my purse contents from his trunk. Unfortunately, I missed a few things - mainly, my wallet and the garage remote. Oopsies! I totally feel like I slept over at my boyfriend's house last night and left half my things there. Good thing my boyfriend's hot and lives with me.

Inspiration

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert. Isaiah 43:18

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Text from KT:
"I think you may the one person on the planet that's not personally flawed."

What You're Worth: Why i won't work for free and neither should you
by Camels and Chocolate

A few months back, a well-known band came to me via their publicist wanting me to promote an event they’re sponsoring. It was a cool concept, in a fun place, and it would allow me to check another item off my Life List. The kicker? They weren’t going to pay me for my time or my effort.

The sad thing is that I briefly toyed with the idea, and I might have green lit it had it not been for SVV. “You’re a professional. You’ve been working as a journalist for a decade. Your time, your knowledge, your experience—this is all incredibly valuable to a company. You’re not doing anything for free.” I tried to negotiate with them—something that as both a female and a Southerner I’ve always grappled with—but they weren’t budging. Not understanding what social media is about, or even the power of the press, they thought covering my expenses to attend the event—an event that, mind you, I would be working—was payment enough. And so after much debate, I turned down the opportunity last week with some regrets.

But you know what? After a few days to ponder this precarious situation, I’m glad I said no.

When did it become acceptable not to pay for a service? I logged my years of interning, I more than paid my dues, I’ve slowly worked my way up the ladder in this tumultuous media climate, something that was not easy, nor fun at times. To backtrack so much at this point in my career would be a completely wrong move. I don’t write for magazines whose rates don’t make penning a piece worth my time; since when do I spend days on a project making money for other people through promotion, sponsorships, advertising dollars and Lord knows how many other benefits that come cascading down the shoulders (and pockets) of the corporations that drive these things? The short answer: not now, not ever.

And this is where the Internet is at fault and possibly the economy, too. There are so many people out there perfectly willing to give away their talent for no charge—or, nearly as bad, $10 to $20 a post—that a company knows if you say no, there are 10 other writers who will say yes. But that doesn’t make it even remotely OK. That doesn’t mean you should buy into it. Because until enough of us band together and say this isn’t right, companies will continue to think they can exploit our talents.

I graduated from journalism school. Before that, I interned at magazines, newspapers, a TV station. I was a columnist for a publication at the age of 20. I’d worked on my first guidebook for one of the biggest travel brands in the world by 23. I was hired as a researcher for Harper’s while still an undergrad. I started at Newsweek the day after I graduated college. You’ll sometimes see my name in books. I’ve written for more than 50 national magazines and newspapers. I can’t remember the last time an all-access concert pass paid the rent. And what makes any company think that I will work for free, that I don’t deserve to get paid for the exercise?

You wouldn’t ask a surgeon to operate on your heart free of charge (or for front row seats at opera). You wouldn’t expect a plumber to come out and fix your pipes for no fee (or in exchange for a sandwich). Heck, you don’t even allow a server at a restaurant to deliver your food without leaving a tip on top of an already-hefty dinner bill. Why are writers and other creatives any different?

Women, in general, tend to get the short end of the stick, too. It’s a proven fact. In my experience, we’re also not very keen on bargaining, on asking for what we deserve. SVV has gotten four raises in less than four years at his current company; every one of them was because he went to his boss and said (in not so many words), hey, you know what? I’m awesome and I deserve to be paid for my awesomeness. You should give me X amount of dollars more for my skill and expertise. And you can guess what happened next: His boss did just that. Every last time.

I, on the other hand, have worked for some of the same editors for years and have never summoned the nerve to ask for an increased rate. In some ways, I’m just happy to still be able to say I’m a magazine writer. Many of my colleagues aren’t so fortunate anymore. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be so bold in the future, that I shouldn’t make it a goal to work on the power of bargaining. Saying no to the band, something that was far from easy, was a baby step in that direction.

A fellow journalist friend, a male, who was a bureau chief at Newsweek for a decade, told me how a political magazine recently came to him with the offer to write an in-depth, 5,000-word piece for their publication. If you’re not in the journalism industry, you should know: Such an offer is a writer’s gold. We’re never given the space to write the long-form narratives or op-eds we often dream about.

He did the smart thing and responded saying he’d love such a gig, but how much did it pay? “$500,” the editor wrote back, though the friend now thinks, looking back, that the rate might have even been lower than that. $500 for 5,000 words. Ten paltry cents per well-thought-out word. (To put it in perspective, most national magazines continue to pay $2 a word as a starting rate, with more money given to their more established writers, meaning if this was a legit publication, he should have been paid $10,000 for such a story.)

Politely, he declined the assignment—he is after all, a well-known journalist, and to write such a story would take weeks of his time, weeks that could be spent elsewhere on much better paying gigs—at which point the editor shot back a very snarky retort saying that my friend should be honored to write such a piece for his magazine. Really? Is that truly what editors think these days? That well-trained, sought-after writers should be thankful for the chance to earn them money? Hardly.

My point here is to all you bloggers, to all you writers, to all you photographers, to all you creative types out there who feel like you’re not valued, here’s an epiphany: You’ll never be valued until you start to value yourself.

So I beg you: When you’re approached with such an opportunity, weigh the pros and cons. Is it a good career move? Are you getting anything meaningful out of it? What are you actually receiving for your time? Or is the company just trying to use you as one of these “cloud-sourced” money machines?

Whether you’re a beginning blogger with 100 readers or a veteran with 100,000, you’re valuable. And don’t forget it either. Because until you start to see your own self worth, how can you expect others to recognize it, too?

It's Time Cont'd...

More for Today, hers in italics:

ok, but your diet sucks. you need to fatten it up...keep up w/ me, sheesh!!!

You know what's wierd...you get 2 pts less than me, yet I am filling up 4 inches of body MORE than you. wtf?!?!

not fair at all.

i've been cleanin' all mornin'. want to call you but i bit the inside of my mouth yesterday towards the back and it is so swollen and ouchie!!! again, wtf?! it gets worse cuz i keep biten it, i guess, cuz its swollen so bigger, ya know. i know, gross.

disgusting. try drinking noni or taking garlic? or swishing with salt water.

That is weird that I get 2 pts less than you but it's because i'm smaller. you need more sustenance. kapeshe?

That's ok, i've been doing stuff on the computer.

Going to pick up the kids soon.

10 cherries - 1 pt (thank goodness for Costco)

salmon salad...spinach, tomatoes 1 1/2 tblspns. of italian viniagrette = 5 pts.

at 16 pts, so far :( if I exercise tonight, that would add pts, i may HAVE to exercise!

Yum, if I liked salmon.

Chocolate Chip Clif Kid Z Bar 2 points (yes I'm eating my kids snacks)

how many points does exercising add?

Clif Z Bar wasn't very satisfying boo. Cherries were a much better choice.

It's Time

FINALLY! Somebody to be weight accountable with. For some reason I've thrown on a few pounds the last week, and I am ready to not go there again.

Fortunately, my sister is at her last point, too, and so we are doing Weight Watchers together. Really, it's all about portion control and making sure what you eat doesn't have too much fat, or if it does, that it has enough fiber to make it worth it. I've done it before a little, but this time I'm doing it for certain. In one day I'm back down to what I was before this week. Yay!

Here are our emails back and forth with hers in italics:

Yesterday:

eating

half a large bagel, 3 points
1 cup strawberries, 1 point

you're so silly, LOL

10 cherries, 1 point [cherries are a low-glycemic food that help make you feel satisfied and full longer according to the Fat Flush Plan - a perfect afternoon snack, and something I happened to have on hand]

yeah, but if i don't send it to someone i'll cheat lol

ok, lol, that works...let's keep it up...

So, thursday:

oatmeal 4 pts

sandwich from subway 5 pts

=9 pts so far :-)

You're at 5 pts.....bitch :-P

[forgot to email her my 4 point tortilla soup with chicken for dinner, but told her on the phone, and my 9 point ice cream last night YUM, but told her this am]

Today:

2 eggs w/ cheese 6 pts.
water w/ lemon/honey 1 pt.

f'ing a

1/2 biscuit w/ lots of butter and even more jam...3 (prob. 4) pts.

so i'm at 11 pts and the day hasn't even started. being skinny is over rated. i'm gonna starve the rest of the day...lots of water water water to fill me up...remind me!!!!

so i had an idea...i always eat a ton after working out, so i think i'm gonna try working out after the kids go to bed, then go to bed, so that i don't eat....we'll see how it works tonight.

i'll get my headset and talk to you in a bit....

3 egg whites, uncooked red onion, .9 oz goat cheese - 2 points - kinda gross to make and look at but the goat cheese & onion made it taste good
unsweetened hot tea - 0 points

haha, being skinny is over rated yes, but not putting on too much weight isn't!!

Yes, lots of water is important - need to remind myself too.

Maybe I'll work out with you tonight - I've always wanted to do it at night, too, after the kids go to bed as well for the same reason lol.

God, I love her (to quote Goldilocks :)

"Have goals for your 30s" - advice for turning 30 from my best friend I've known since elementary school.

After an hour long conversation where she told me, "This is why I love talking to you. I need your confidence", and my reply back to her, "I need YOUR confidence. I am so unconfident right now. I am happy with my hubby and my kids, but I am having a hard time accepting aging. Right now, I'm looking back at pictures from when I met Brando and I am SO much hotter now, lol, so that makes me feel better, but I am having a hard time excepting aging and knowing I am older."

Her response was having goals. I love it. Along with knowing all the turmoil that our twenties were, which is true. At the same time I LOOOOOVED my last few years of my twenties - heck the last four years, but truly I loved that everything came together in the last two. Maybe even more so in the last six months. So. Maybe that's what I look forward to - things are getting better - out of that turmoil my twenties were. Yeah, there's still turmoil, but I'm better at handling it, and I keep getting better (e.g. the moving situation - I learned SOOO much from that).

Goals.

Can't wait to write them.

Scared and a little nervous - it seems so monumental writing for a decade I'm not quite yet. But can't wait.

So so so content

This has been a strange year of many changes. Moving from house to apartment, renting out said house, losing our best couple friends but in the process learning how to have healthy arguments, our debt being paid off, finally getting on the same page with money & uniting on everything we do with it, falling out of love with social events, rediscovering my love of my husband, renewing our vows, contemplating where we go from here income wise, accepting aging & signs of it, no longer feeling like I can use my oft used phrase "we're so young", realizing money priorities are different for everyone at different times especially for windfalls - in the past mine have been clothing, travel, & going out at different times respectively - currently they may be trending towards making my home a retreat to come home to that is comfortable as well as aesthetically pleasing.

So. Lots of changes. I'm sure there's more to list, but that's off the top of my head.

Randomness

*Decluttered the living room yesterday and LOOOVE the lightness of weight I feel walking into it (our living room also happens to be our office, entry way, and is attached to the kitchen and hallway of the boys room which can become slightly overwhelming)

*Favorite station on Pandora lately: All the Right Moves. It plays favorites like Secrets by OneRepublic and the Scientist by Coldplay.

*I used to wrap myself up in the literal meaning of words, how they were written, grammatical errors, and choice of grammar. I used to be a perfectionist about my own. For some reason, the more I read, the more I learn, the more I see, those things mean less and less. They're still important, but they don't relate as much to me about a person now as their style, their personality, and what they are actually saying, regardless of how it is written, does.

*Obsessed with this post, and the Nicole Kidman like effect, as well as the effortless fun in front of the camera. Makes me want to go do another photo shoot. SO much fun!

Dear Boys,

Justinbustin,

Wow. Justinbustin. Wow. I am bowled over by all you have done this school year. My heart is exploding with pride, and I don't know where to put it but here. You came home the other week telling me you were creating a newspaper with a few of your buddies from school. You told me you had come up with the idea and your friend had implemented it, that the two of you had recruited another friend and together you were coming up with the ideas. One of you was printing the paper, one of you was handing it out, one was writing about origami, you are writing the comics, and another was writing a story.

In the past three weeks your idea has exploded into a team of about ten children. The first week the three, then four, then five, of you were allowed to work on your idea during recess and lunch. All three, then, four, then five, of you worked hard at the computers in the library every single second of recess and lunch, only taking time to scarf down food at the end. The second week your class was grounded from being able to work on the newspaper because you were goofing off. You made a point of telling me you were in the bathroom while this happened and were not a part of it. The third week you were allowed to start back up, and the idea quickly grew.

On Wednesday you came home telling me you gained the support of your teacher, Ms. M, and another teacher in the same grade, Ms. V, and the support of the entire grade's staff of teachers. You told me you were possibly going to put it online, and take photos for the paper. You came home and did research on a school newspaper website link your teacher had given you.

On Thursday, you came home and told me you were recruiting more fifth graders and possibly fourth graders by quizzing them on their skills, either having them already or having to teach them. You made a flier for recruitment that you asked for my assistance with in editing. I was so honored that you would ask me and refrained from giving any ideas at all in order to not water down the fantastic ideas you already had. I helped you with punctuation, and was so proud that you asked me to. Your Dad was bowled over by the language of your recruitment flier.

Today, Friday, when I took you to lunch, you let me know your team, the originals - as you call yourselves, LOVEd the flier, and you were surprised by that. You thought they wouldn't. You told me you had the support of the principal, and the vice principal, and the vice principal was coming to talk to your team. You told me you were taking the paper grade wide, and talking about possibly taking it school wide.

When I came back to school to give you your herbs, your teacher shared with me all the amazing things you had already shared with me. She told me she loves to research and had been fully supporting you by researching. She told me your team is doing 99% of the work, and the rest of them are supporting you. She told me you are working on publishing the paper today for the class, and possibly getting it online next week. As I sat in the hallway taping up math vocabulary words for Shawner's class, she stopped by me again on her way to make copies of the paper to hand out. She told me the school had a school camera you could use, after you told her your Dad has a $2000 camera he is willing to let you use, which he is. She told me high schools and middle schools typically have newspapers, but not elementary schools. She told me there was another elementary school that had a newspaper in our town, and that the city newspaper published it for them. She told me she is going to do research on their paper this weekend. I told her I was in awe.

More accurately, I am in shock and awe. I am speechless. I am in wonder. I so desperately want to make my fb status this: "Jaw dropped and trying to pick it up off the floor. I have raised a man, a leader, a volunteer, a team player. The things he (you) is doing leaves me in shock and awe. Literally." Justinbustin, if you are what happens when one has a child at 17, I would highly recommend every. single. person. have a child at 17. You are amazing. I am bowled over. I am speechless.

Did I forget to mention you have become part of the gifted and talented program? For some reason you had never been tested - I always thought you had been. This year I referred your for testing before school started, and last week you told me you might be in it. This week I stopped by your school to do Wednesday folders and you had a permission slip I needed to sign for the testing. I did, then stopped by the G&T office after to make sure you didn't need anything else from. The teacher told me you needed to pass the creativity test, which you already had with flying colors, and that you needed to have an IQ of 126 or above (not positive on that number) to pass the rest, which she was sure you would pass using one of their tests. She said you weren't feeling well, so if you didn't pass that you could do it another day. She told me she would send the paperwork home with you. You came home that afternoon with the paperwork, testing 97% for the tests you needed, and with a permission slip to join the program. You have been wanting to be a part of this program for a few years now and you are so happy you are now. The kids in your newspaper team are also in the program, and I am glad you will get to spend more time with them being inventive.

You have turned into a man before my very eyes. When I hug your shoulders, I feel the strong, broad shoulders of a man, not a boy. You are up to my lips, and soon you will be taller than me. I am cherishing these days I still don't have to lift my hand up to ruffle your hair, but am looking forward to each moment of you being the man you are and the man you are becoming. I love you.

Love,

Your Oh-So-Proud Mom

Dear Shawners,

This week you made your meerkat animal habitat presentation. You came home last week determined to start it and so excited to do meerkats, just like Justinbustin did in third grade. I saw your habitat in your classroom the other day. You had copied Justinbustin's idea of an underground display as well as an above ground display, but you had hand drawn examples of predators and prey along next to the pictures of the meerkats you printed, cut out, and stood up on your habitat. I am so sad I missed your presentation, and hope you will do one for Dad and I like you talked about.

Today, I came by your classroom to give you medicine. No one was there when I walked in, except for a little girl who told me that your class had put pictures of our town's college football team all over another teacher's classroom, a teacher who likes UCLA's college football team. The little girl said the teacher screamed when she saw it. She told me that the teacher had retaliated by writing remarks on the pictures and pasting them all over your classroom, but that your class hadn't seen it yet. I hung around until your class came back to see yours and their reaction. Your class came back and broke out into your own screams, and then quickly tore the pictures down. My face turned red from keeping the secret and laughing. What a fun camaraderie.

Shawners, your communication is insane. We record or write down SO. MANY. of your sayings. The blog I have for your sayings doesn't even capture it all. Yesterday, you told me you wanted me to read your journal, but that you had to warn me you had drawn a picture of a g*n in it and named it "airass". You left it on my night table for me to discover as I went to bed that evening. I read the journal stories last night to your Dad, and was able to alternate my vocals like a storybook. The story flowed just as you talk.

Your attitude toward school is night and day from last year. Your teacher is organized, kind, firm, but loving, supportive, and encouraging. Your class is the quietest class I have ever seen. You are given the information and then work in groups to discover more information, which was hard for you the first few weeks learning to work with a group. Now you work seamlessly with others, as does the rest of your class.

You have a best friend. I asked you if this person was all that we had talked about at the beginning of this year that a friend should be, after last year's disaster of friends and hurt feelings. I asked him if he was kind to everyone, not just you, and you said he is. I asked him if he was honest to everyone, not just you, and you said he is. I asked him if he helped others, not just you, and you said he does. You want me to set up a playdate with him, but I am confused about his family situation. You say he does not have a mother. You say there was a woman who had him like a mother, but doesn't have a mother. I asked you if he had two dads, and you said no, just no mother. This is where my social awkwardness comes in, and I don't know how to approach having a playdate, but only at our house. Perhaps I could join you on your playdate to his house until I trust the family. But that might be awkward. I'm not sure how to approach this subject, but I don't want to squelch your friendship by being awkward. I hope I do right by you, but we will see how it plays out.

You are playing flag football this season, and you were SO excited about your first game. You told me, "Mom, I forgot to tell you - that was AWESOME!!" with two big thumbs up and a grin. Your coach has twelve kids on a team and it is the first time he's ever coached. He has his hands full, but he is putting his all into it. He feels like he let you down the first game, but none of your team noticed. You all just had fun. He sent out six for your team to memorize before tomorrows game, but heck if I know what they mean. I showed one to you, and you said you know what it is, so I'm not worried about it.

Shawners, you make me smile and laugh. I love when you dance when the music comes on, and lately I've broken out into dance along with you, not caring who's watching. We sang together the other day as I showed you how I was learning to sing in tune to Hey Diddle Diddle while watching the baby I watch. I found it on the internet and sang it for you while you listened. For once, you didn't ask me to stop as you usually do as your naturally in tune ears quickly catch anything off tune. Yay for my voice lesson accomplishing the goal I went in with. Then, I asked you to sing it with me, and you said you it was hard for you to sing loud, so you sang it quietly in my ear with me.

You tell me I'm beautiful. Yesterday, I had my pajama tank top on and had just pulled on jeans for the day. You walked into the room and said, "Mom, you look beautiful." You are such a mini-your-dad with these compliments. You make them at the most random times, when I've just done my hair, just put on a new outfit, pulled up my hair, or just picked you up after you haven't seen me all day. Just like your dad, it seems you think out loud, as you say the comment instantly with seemingly no time for thought processing.

You are an amazing little man, and I love you.

Love,

Mom

What's Wrong with Me? aka Brain Dump

*my insecurities, my everything I hold inside, except to Brando, everything that stresses me out, in one post*

My life has changed 180% since this time last year. It totally freaks me out. Everything basic is the same - Brando, the boys, and I, are still us. But everything is completely different. I look different. My frame of mind is different. The boys' school is different. My body is different. Some of my friends are the same, some are different. Goldilocks' life is completely different too, so is GFF's, and somehow that comforts me knowing that those girls I've gone through so much of life with are experiencing some of the same things, comforting me in not being alone, but it still freaks me out. I LIKEd me back then. Will I like me now? I spend so much time with Brando, and the boys nowadays. While I love that, am I neglecting myself? Will I turn around in six months and ask myself why didn't I take care of myself more? Why did I neglect my friends more than I used to? Why didn't I have a desire to go on the cousins' trip this year?

School is freaking me out. Every time I'm in school my brain goes to mush as far as desires to do other things. At the same time, am I blaming school for my lack of motivation? I'm discovering I tend to blame things on situations or others instead of fixing them.

Do I just need to get out more and stop giving excuses? I have no desire to hang with friends, go out at night, or party lately. I have no desire to take trips, except with Brando. Where is the desire I used to have to go out with friends, attend events, party, go out at night, and travel with girlfriends? Why don't I have that anymore? It makes me wonder, and scares me a bit, yet at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. Then at the exact same time it scares me if I'm going to wake up in a bit and go what the hell was I thinking not going out with my girlfriends? That part makes me want to force going out with my girls unnaturally (meaning almost against my will), to make sure I maintain my health. I had to force myself in the beginning, four or five years ago, to go out with the girls, but it was different then. Then, I WANTed to, but I was scared and fearful I wasn't good enough to. I got over that, realized I was good enough (meaning fun enough, silly enough, outgoing enough, and, yes, shallowly, pretty enough) and realized how good it was for me to go out and get something back, for me, in me, so I once again had something to give to my family.

Now I DON'T want to, but is it because I really don't want to, or am I once again scared I'm not good enough? I really don't think the latter is the case, because I wanted to I would go and paint the town red. Maybe a little drink or two to get me going, but I would do it. The funny thing is I don't even have a desire to drink lately. The headache and depressive mood the next day isn't even worth it to me. That's part of what makes me sit back and wonder though, am I just not doing it because of a lack of motivation?

Or, shallowly, do I feel I'm not pretty enough? I do feel like I'm aging. Do I feel like I look too old to go out anymore? I did get a facial and that made my face look amazing, at least the last few days and that may be part of what is making me face all these feelings. Maybe I have felt ugly these last few months, and that has caused me to crawl inside myself. Sad, if that's the case. Am I really that shallow? But on one hand, it may have nothing to do with being shallow. I finally figured out how to be a girl four or five years ago and have loved every single second of it. Now, I'm stuck wondering, is it gone so soon? Am I going to turn old and ugly and have it all be taken away from me? How can it be when I've only just discovered how to be a girl in the first place? I would be so darn sad. I love being a girly girl amongst all my boys. But if I look like an idiot doing so, I don't want to be embarrassed about being one. I have gained weight. Do I feel like I'm too fat to go out anymore? I've lost some of my rah-rah let's go party attitude. Do I feel like I'm not enthusiastic enough to go out anymore? Do all of these tie in together? Or is it, again, just the lack of motivation, and these are all insecure excuses?

After typing all this, I guess my bottom line question is, is this something I should still DESIRE to do, no matter my insecurities? Am I cutting myself short by not going out, even if it's something I don't want to do? Should I just get over it, and go out and do it, any way, and the confidence will come back once I've forced myself to go out? Will I wake up in six months without my girlfriends because I haven't gone and partied with them at night enough, or gone out to events enough? Am I putting more stress on myself by not spending enough time with them, just letting loose and not having people depending on me every second I'm out?

To go with that, am I doing the right thing by going to school? It has aged me. Bottom line. So has turning 29, I am sure, but going to school has definitely sped up the process. I have no goals with school. I want to be an engineer, but the investment time in school would take too much from my family. I want to be a teacher, but I'd feel like I'm settling for some assumed women's role. I want to design websites, but that could be a trade skill and wouldn't I have figured out how to do that on my own, and maybe my design or common sense with that isn't good enough to cut it in the real world. What the hell am I doing with school except adding more stress to our lives and going nowhere?

Sick to my stomach

Between Brando's b*nk being r*bbed this weekend and him having a g*n to his chest, and Justinbustin going off to camp this morning I am a wreck. I miss Justinbustin and while Brando is assuring me he's having a blast at camp, personally I have never been to one so I have NO idea what he's doing. With boy sc*uts at least I knew he was doing "man" stuff. This camp I have NOOO clue. I'm a little sick with worry and missing him.

My Awesome Sexy Hubby

Just had to write this down before I forget. Brando was home sick yesterday and this morning and mostly in bed. I didn't do much except chill on the computer next to him, took the boys on errands and lunch in between dropping them off and picking them up at school, and went to get dinner. Regardless every time I walked in the bedroom and he was awake he would say something sweet usually involving sexy or gorgeous.

In one particular instance he says as I walk out to go pick up the boys, "You are amazingly gorgeous even when you're all tired and poopy." as I had been chilling tired and cranky on the bed for the last hour.

As I wrote on my faceb*ok the other day: "I'm not out of it lately, but I am enjoying Brando's company way more than I should be after ten years of marriage. We have so much fun together I'm going out less and less. Correction: Not way more than I should be but way more than I thought possible after ten years of marriage!

I feel like a giddy school girl dating him, my every thought totally wrapped up in the next time we get to hang together. I'm enjoying the rest of life, too, but based on looking forward to when I get to spend time with him. And I'm trying very hard not to abandon my girlfriends while feeling this way!! I used to be a night owl, and I'm okay giving that up, but I'm trying hard not to lose my night owl friends in the process. I may be there again, but not right now. I'm loving falling asleep cuddled up next to Brando and don't want to trade that for a night of loud crowds, bar smells, shouting over the music, and waking up funky and cranky the next day even if it means I spent an evening with my girls.