the lady i nannied for who was a wonderful christian home-school mom then fell back into her alcoholic druggie ways, divorced her amazing man, left her four children, slept with her cousin and many others, had another baby with a man she's not with, and i believe has come full circle to getting her life back on track and is again in contact with her kids has cancer. her kids don't know and she doesn't want me to tell her kids.
i can't handle news like this. it builds up inside and it explodes because i dont talk about it with anybody. people tell me these things because i'm empathetic and dont spread the word, but what they dont know is i cant take it.
perfectionism mindset is wanting to be there in every way possible like i did for my kt since her mom died and continue to do but realizing i can't so i don't do anything because i can't do everything. today i do something, but what i don't know. any suggestions?
Monday, October 31, 2011
thoughts running through my head this morning
*Perfectionism mindset is not wanting to finish something because you haven't done it perfect ie leaving ten pages blank of a to-do notebook because you didn't complete every. single. line ahead of time. today i finish using the notebook.
*Perfectionism mindset is giving up when the going gets tough, as it always does, because tough isn't perfect. today i ride through the tough of finding t-shirts for the robotics club by doing what i should've done in the first place and relying on the word of a friend who has t-shirts designed for a living.
*Perfectionism mindset is not letting your son choose his own haircut because you want to have the value of a haircut, not the value of a long term relationship minus battles over something as a simple haircut. Fail, R*se. today i apologize for my short-sightedness, brush his hair out, and convince him it looks exactly the same, his ears are covered, and only the curls are gone, then pray that no one notices his hair cut and his spirits are lifted.
*Perfectionism mindset is giving up when the final product isn't perfect, rather than going forward with what you have ie not scheduling massages because they don't happen on the weekend with Brando taking care of the boys like I want them to. today i schedule a two hour massage to use it up in time.
*Perfectionism mindset is not wanting to make calls for my dad because i'm thrown off by him having another employee calling over the last few months to make annual appointments and she tells me i may be calling the same person the next day. today i use the motivation of my first paycheck and charge through the phone calls merely using the opportunity to apologize and strengthen the relationship by double calling if need be.
*Perfectionism mindset is giving up when the going gets tough, as it always does, because tough isn't perfect. today i ride through the tough of finding t-shirts for the robotics club by doing what i should've done in the first place and relying on the word of a friend who has t-shirts designed for a living.
*Perfectionism mindset is not letting your son choose his own haircut because you want to have the value of a haircut, not the value of a long term relationship minus battles over something as a simple haircut. Fail, R*se. today i apologize for my short-sightedness, brush his hair out, and convince him it looks exactly the same, his ears are covered, and only the curls are gone, then pray that no one notices his hair cut and his spirits are lifted.
*Perfectionism mindset is giving up when the final product isn't perfect, rather than going forward with what you have ie not scheduling massages because they don't happen on the weekend with Brando taking care of the boys like I want them to. today i schedule a two hour massage to use it up in time.
*Perfectionism mindset is not wanting to make calls for my dad because i'm thrown off by him having another employee calling over the last few months to make annual appointments and she tells me i may be calling the same person the next day. today i use the motivation of my first paycheck and charge through the phone calls merely using the opportunity to apologize and strengthen the relationship by double calling if need be.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
update:
my dad apologized this morning after he cooled off. i came up with some options as far as having to be available all day - like communicating via text and email and making appointments to speak on the phone and it sounded like he was okay with that.
i told him our relationship is more important than an "easy job". he talked about working through things to make our relationship stronger. i also told him i realize he's under a lot right now and i don't want to be the one to add to that.
i apologized as well. moving forward, we will see how things go. i am nervous to make calls. i am not much of a phone person, although i have been better these days with doing so many projects for my mom.
my dad apologized this morning after he cooled off. i came up with some options as far as having to be available all day - like communicating via text and email and making appointments to speak on the phone and it sounded like he was okay with that.
i told him our relationship is more important than an "easy job". he talked about working through things to make our relationship stronger. i also told him i realize he's under a lot right now and i don't want to be the one to add to that.
i apologized as well. moving forward, we will see how things go. i am nervous to make calls. i am not much of a phone person, although i have been better these days with doing so many projects for my mom.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
and now comes the meltdown
and that's what i effen get for trying to do it all. my dad is upset because he can't get through to me on my phone whose bill hasn't been paid in two months and i'm upset because he's been calling me all day and i've been trying to call him all day and my moms been texting me things all day to do and i can't fucking do it all. and now i'm not going to work for my dad because ive been crying for the last half hour and i cant stand for him to be this mad. this emotional stress for him and for me is not worth it. i get it. he wants someone who is available 24/7 at his beck and call and i can't be that person if i still want to be a mom. he says he doesnt need me 24/7 but then he tries to call me "fourteen times" today and is completely exasperated that he can't get a hold of me even though he sent me a phone he somehow doesn't have a number for and ive been trying to call him on.
WOW. I realized working for my dad would be difficult, but i didn't realize things would go down this quick. it's not worth it to me to screw up my relationship with him because it's the "perfect job" as he says.
brandos so upset for me and wants to call and tell him off, but the truth is they are going through enough stress with their move, they don't need this on top of it. and i dont want to put it on him on top of it.
maybe my mom will talk to him. i talked to her about the issue earlier. maybe not.
either way, it's not worth the stress on my dads and my relationship and id rather not go forward with it if it's going to cause that. im sad. im really, really sad.
but i dont know how to respect myself and still be what my dad expects out of an employee.
he was already burned by my aunt who worked remotely for him and he's transferring part of that onto me. i dont want to go into the situation under that assumption, but i did, and now we're both paying the price for it.
i am sad.
WOW. I realized working for my dad would be difficult, but i didn't realize things would go down this quick. it's not worth it to me to screw up my relationship with him because it's the "perfect job" as he says.
brandos so upset for me and wants to call and tell him off, but the truth is they are going through enough stress with their move, they don't need this on top of it. and i dont want to put it on him on top of it.
maybe my mom will talk to him. i talked to her about the issue earlier. maybe not.
either way, it's not worth the stress on my dads and my relationship and id rather not go forward with it if it's going to cause that. im sad. im really, really sad.
but i dont know how to respect myself and still be what my dad expects out of an employee.
he was already burned by my aunt who worked remotely for him and he's transferring part of that onto me. i dont want to go into the situation under that assumption, but i did, and now we're both paying the price for it.
i am sad.
My day was exHAUSting, so I just need to record it here to make myself feel better
*Drop off Shawners at school
*Drop off Justinbustin at school
*Stop by Starbucks and bring Brando and I home an iced chai tea latte and a pumpkin spice latte
*Send Brando off to work
*Spoke with the robotics coach on the phone, took notes, and sent out email
*Spoke on the phone with a t-shirt company for half an hour who may make our robotics t-shirts
*Spoke on the phone for an hour and a half with another robotics coach and ended up hearing her out and counseling her on her sixth grade daughter (such long conversations exhaust me these days)
*Made a work phone call to reschedule an appointment which involved three back and forth calls between the related parties
*Realize I had been trying to skip this week and the boys' do not indeed have early release like I thought today as it is next week
*Feel totally thrown off for my day and realize I can indeed meet with Mai today
*Call Mai to tell her the change of my day and create plans
*Load up tons of things to send home into Shawner's classes' Wednesday folders at his school
*Help a fourth grader back to the cafeteria to eat lunch after looking for his missing lunch in the middle of the folders
*Find his missing lunch after I'd escorted him back which I then brought down to him
*Drove down south to meet one of my besties, Mai, who's in town for a few days
*Had lunch at Torchy's and frozen hot chocolate at Holy Cacao with Mai - a fantastic part of my day!
*Got a work call during lunch and tried my hardest not to be irritated
*Rushed back to Mai's house to help condense her suitcase for her two month tour in Europe she's going on tomorrow
*Rushed back up north to pick up Shawners from school
*Came home and made a few more work calls to sort out the situation at lunch
*Made other work calls and notes to create emails later
*Created an agenda for the robotics meeting
*Rushed back out the door to stop by HEB to pick up snacks and awards for the robotics meeting
*Attended the robotics meeting and nearly chucked my work phone at these crazy kids when my phone started having the person calling talk to me instead of ring
*Handed out awards for core values
*Tried to hold it together while listening to these kids rehearse their presentation skit and somehow manage to cut themselves on an aluminum can and bruise an elbow
*Approve a design for the t-shirts by the team
*Reschedule a staggered robotics meeting for this Saturday
*Return the work call I got during the meeting
*Come home and draft a robotics email addressing the t-shirts and rescheduled meeting, after calling each team member and making sure each was okay with the cost and changes
*Field phone calls from Brando on his way home from work three times
*Addressed the problem of being on-call 24/7 for work and it needing to not happen
*Found out there's a possibility I could get paid for it to happen which I could get on board with
*Arrange for a friend to pick up Justinbustin for youth group
*Review Justinbustin's grades with him online to talk about three of the classes that need work and have him be aware
*Make sure Justinbustin eats dinner before he heads off
*Sign homework for Justinbustin
*Send Justinbustin off to youth group with said friend
*Draft a work phone and voicemail script and thank you email
*Have Shawners cancel his tumbling class as he isn't feeling well
*Finally eat dinner
*Realize I need to respond to a work call while writing this post and do
*Collapse... somewhere
*Oh, wait, I have to go pick up Justinbustin from youth group
*I'll sleep later
*(all without a smart phone because that would have made my day @#$%loads easier - oh, smart phone, I'm coming back again soon, don't you worry)
I sound like I'm self-employed and it sure feels like it!
*Drop off Shawners at school
*Drop off Justinbustin at school
*Stop by Starbucks and bring Brando and I home an iced chai tea latte and a pumpkin spice latte
*Send Brando off to work
*Spoke with the robotics coach on the phone, took notes, and sent out email
*Spoke on the phone with a t-shirt company for half an hour who may make our robotics t-shirts
*Spoke on the phone for an hour and a half with another robotics coach and ended up hearing her out and counseling her on her sixth grade daughter (such long conversations exhaust me these days)
*Made a work phone call to reschedule an appointment which involved three back and forth calls between the related parties
*Realize I had been trying to skip this week and the boys' do not indeed have early release like I thought today as it is next week
*Feel totally thrown off for my day and realize I can indeed meet with Mai today
*Call Mai to tell her the change of my day and create plans
*Load up tons of things to send home into Shawner's classes' Wednesday folders at his school
*Help a fourth grader back to the cafeteria to eat lunch after looking for his missing lunch in the middle of the folders
*Find his missing lunch after I'd escorted him back which I then brought down to him
*Drove down south to meet one of my besties, Mai, who's in town for a few days
*Had lunch at Torchy's and frozen hot chocolate at Holy Cacao with Mai - a fantastic part of my day!
*Got a work call during lunch and tried my hardest not to be irritated
*Rushed back to Mai's house to help condense her suitcase for her two month tour in Europe she's going on tomorrow
*Rushed back up north to pick up Shawners from school
*Came home and made a few more work calls to sort out the situation at lunch
*Made other work calls and notes to create emails later
*Created an agenda for the robotics meeting
*Rushed back out the door to stop by HEB to pick up snacks and awards for the robotics meeting
*Attended the robotics meeting and nearly chucked my work phone at these crazy kids when my phone started having the person calling talk to me instead of ring
*Handed out awards for core values
*Tried to hold it together while listening to these kids rehearse their presentation skit and somehow manage to cut themselves on an aluminum can and bruise an elbow
*Approve a design for the t-shirts by the team
*Reschedule a staggered robotics meeting for this Saturday
*Return the work call I got during the meeting
*Come home and draft a robotics email addressing the t-shirts and rescheduled meeting, after calling each team member and making sure each was okay with the cost and changes
*Field phone calls from Brando on his way home from work three times
*Addressed the problem of being on-call 24/7 for work and it needing to not happen
*Found out there's a possibility I could get paid for it to happen which I could get on board with
*Arrange for a friend to pick up Justinbustin for youth group
*Review Justinbustin's grades with him online to talk about three of the classes that need work and have him be aware
*Make sure Justinbustin eats dinner before he heads off
*Sign homework for Justinbustin
*Send Justinbustin off to youth group with said friend
*Draft a work phone and voicemail script and thank you email
*Have Shawners cancel his tumbling class as he isn't feeling well
*Finally eat dinner
*Realize I need to respond to a work call while writing this post and do
*Collapse... somewhere
*Oh, wait, I have to go pick up Justinbustin from youth group
*I'll sleep later
*(all without a smart phone because that would have made my day @#$%loads easier - oh, smart phone, I'm coming back again soon, don't you worry)
I sound like I'm self-employed and it sure feels like it!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
WHY am I so bored of blogging lately?!!
I still love to read and browse... sort of. Only the people I know well (and if you're reading this, that includes you).
It's not like there's not a lot going on. There is. Maybe too much?
I'm sort of working. For my parents. Remotely. It's been nice to feel productive. The goal is to get a regular paycheck we can count on as part of our income.
Justinbustin has been busy, busy, busy with school and robotics. It's wearing me out. But it's fun. And he loves it.
Brando's had the past two weekends off - a total record. We enjoyed the first weekend immensely, then this one was spent half fabulous, half lots-o-arguing.
Fortunately, we worked out our argument. And a girlfriend subtly/subconsciously pointed me towards a book on communication lol.
Shawners is adorbs and has been spending lotsa time with Brando and I while Justinbustin is at events. This is fun.
That's all for now.
Oh my mom found my 13 year old diary so that should make for some fun entries when/if I get a hold of it.
I still love to read and browse... sort of. Only the people I know well (and if you're reading this, that includes you).
It's not like there's not a lot going on. There is. Maybe too much?
I'm sort of working. For my parents. Remotely. It's been nice to feel productive. The goal is to get a regular paycheck we can count on as part of our income.
Justinbustin has been busy, busy, busy with school and robotics. It's wearing me out. But it's fun. And he loves it.
Brando's had the past two weekends off - a total record. We enjoyed the first weekend immensely, then this one was spent half fabulous, half lots-o-arguing.
Fortunately, we worked out our argument. And a girlfriend subtly/subconsciously pointed me towards a book on communication lol.
Shawners is adorbs and has been spending lotsa time with Brando and I while Justinbustin is at events. This is fun.
That's all for now.
Oh my mom found my 13 year old diary so that should make for some fun entries when/if I get a hold of it.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
UGH SO FRUSTRATED.
Just found out one of my closest friends is DATING A MARRIED MAN. Seriously?!
I'm not going to spill the whole shpeel here because really I'm just over it.
I'll nutshell it by saying just because the wife did something wrong doesn't make what he is doing, and my friend is doing right.
I need to call her out on it. She's too close to phase out as a friend.
And I would want her to call me out on something that was so blatantly bad for me.
I have to do it.
But I don't want to. It's going to be a difficult conversation and I may lose her as a friend.
I don't want to. But I also don't want to keep her as a friend if I can't say what is on my mind.
Here's to our friendship and crossing fingers it stays.
Just found out one of my closest friends is DATING A MARRIED MAN. Seriously?!
I'm not going to spill the whole shpeel here because really I'm just over it.
I'll nutshell it by saying just because the wife did something wrong doesn't make what he is doing, and my friend is doing right.
I need to call her out on it. She's too close to phase out as a friend.
And I would want her to call me out on something that was so blatantly bad for me.
I have to do it.
But I don't want to. It's going to be a difficult conversation and I may lose her as a friend.
I don't want to. But I also don't want to keep her as a friend if I can't say what is on my mind.
Here's to our friendship and crossing fingers it stays.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Randoms
*I LOVE that on my latest post on PSD everybody mentions my hair. I realize it's mostly because of the goddess braid I did, but the truth is I FINALLY got my hair cut back to the way I LOVE it, and ended all the nasty stragglies that had been going on that kept the sleek look from happening. Love that I have it back! Must mention that when I reply with emails.
*Went to dinner with my nephs and niece tonight. After their wedding in June they took off to Alban*a and just got back a few weeks ago. This was the first time we've seen them, and I'll admit it I was apprehensive. But after a good talk with my bestie, KT, I was totally prepared to be gracious and do the right thing no matter what. And we had a FABULOUS night! The issues were still there, but you know what, my perspective was changed and I was able to see a lot clearer and not take anything personally or make it all about me. I had a fantastic time, as did Brando and the boys, and I can't wait to do it again.
*We've "tried" again twice. Once I was just ending my "time of the month", but then again tonight, three days after. It's a silly back and forth between Brando and I - I want one, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't. He doesn't think we're quite prepared, and I don't care if we're prepared - we weren't the first time, and we've always said if you "wait for the perfect time" it will never happen - it's never going to be the perfect time. A baby is a shitload of responsibility, but boy are they worth it.
*Babysat my neighbors' girl this morning. Boy, are girls different than boys. I can't count on two hands the amount of conversations her and I had - about sleepovers, the masquerade masque hanging in my bathroom, grooming the dog, etc. She followed me around like glue. We had a blast and it was so much fun being able to talk nonstop to another girl, even if she is five :) .
*Brando knew I was a little upset about going out this evening with friends and the kids, instead of a date, so before we went he put on the calendar and sent me an email reminder saying, "Date morning - Be happy."
*So antsy to go on another vacay (hmmm, that doesn't fit too well with the third star up ;) !
*Went to dinner with my nephs and niece tonight. After their wedding in June they took off to Alban*a and just got back a few weeks ago. This was the first time we've seen them, and I'll admit it I was apprehensive. But after a good talk with my bestie, KT, I was totally prepared to be gracious and do the right thing no matter what. And we had a FABULOUS night! The issues were still there, but you know what, my perspective was changed and I was able to see a lot clearer and not take anything personally or make it all about me. I had a fantastic time, as did Brando and the boys, and I can't wait to do it again.
*We've "tried" again twice. Once I was just ending my "time of the month", but then again tonight, three days after. It's a silly back and forth between Brando and I - I want one, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't. He doesn't think we're quite prepared, and I don't care if we're prepared - we weren't the first time, and we've always said if you "wait for the perfect time" it will never happen - it's never going to be the perfect time. A baby is a shitload of responsibility, but boy are they worth it.
*Babysat my neighbors' girl this morning. Boy, are girls different than boys. I can't count on two hands the amount of conversations her and I had - about sleepovers, the masquerade masque hanging in my bathroom, grooming the dog, etc. She followed me around like glue. We had a blast and it was so much fun being able to talk nonstop to another girl, even if she is five :) .
*Brando knew I was a little upset about going out this evening with friends and the kids, instead of a date, so before we went he put on the calendar and sent me an email reminder saying, "Date morning - Be happy."
*So antsy to go on another vacay (hmmm, that doesn't fit too well with the third star up ;) !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)