Monday, October 29, 2012
My view two hours later
Man, this guy works fast. Technically, it was an hour later because I didn't wake him up for an hour. Beginnings of my gorgeous peacock costume handmade by my hubby. I feel like a princess in it. It's so pretty I don't want to take it off.
My view right now
With my lovely compression stockings. WHY did I do this to myself right now?!?! SO MAD at myself!!!!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Church
I am SO SICK of the concept of church. I love going and hearing what has to be said, but I literally despise feeling the pressure of having to conform to how others are inside the church. The pressure messes with my head, my marriage, and who I am.
I'm not sure when this happened. Actually, I am. When Brando's "friends" turned on us and judged us for everything they're worth. Recently, I had another "friend" judge me for not going to church, which I confronted her about. Then, circumstances came together and we went to church. What happens? We're fighting constantly, I'm cranky and yelling, and we had the worst fight we've had since our first or second year of marriage with the cops coming out. All stupid, stupid stuff. I realize it's not church, persay, it's the pressure that's getting to my head. It's almost like I'm in a movie and the camera spins around dizzily as I hear voices of people who aren't saying anything but secretly judging, "You don't come to small group. You don't serve enough. You're not good enough." Sounds creepy, but if it could be put in a film, that's probably what it would look like.
I've finally found my niche in serving at the schools, going to prayer group with amazing ladies, and being decent at home, and going to church throws that all off. I've been to prayer group once in the last three weeks, I've been ugly to my kids, and Brando and I are at odds most of the time when we're not realizing how stupid we're being.
People talk and talk and talk about community, how important it is to go to church to have "community". I'm sorry, church "community" is the fakest community I've ever met. People are more shallow there than anywhere else I've seen. You see them every week, they ask how you are, they act like they care, and then during the week, who's there? Not them. The friends and community cultivated outside of church are there.
The lady who "judged" me for not going to church has not ONCE tried to reach out to me to be any sort of "community". I've reached out to her several times, and have finally given up seeing how she reaches out to others - anyone but me, and sits there and judges me instead. I get it. During her lonely times in her life, church made her feel like she had community. Does she think the way she lives works for everyone? Apparently. And she practices what she preaches, too. I guess she only offers the gift of her community to those attending church.
Do I sound bitter? I'm not. Okay, maybe I am. Maybe it's these stupid sedation drugs wearing off, or the Advil I'm pumped up on. We didn't go to church yesterday as we were at the urgent care finding out Shawner's wrist is fractured. And you know what? It was a relief. A relief not to feel the pressure of everybody around me telling me who I should be. I want to listen to God. And that's it.
Brando says we could go to church, hear the message, and leave, and create our involvement and our community elsewhere. Which I totally agree, except I'd be suppressing myself in how I love to meet new people. Unfortunately, as a result, perceived pressure still builds in my head, messes with my outlook, and I allow it to turn me into a nightmare, expecting myself and everyone else around me to be a certain way, too.
I'm not sure when this happened. Actually, I am. When Brando's "friends" turned on us and judged us for everything they're worth. Recently, I had another "friend" judge me for not going to church, which I confronted her about. Then, circumstances came together and we went to church. What happens? We're fighting constantly, I'm cranky and yelling, and we had the worst fight we've had since our first or second year of marriage with the cops coming out. All stupid, stupid stuff. I realize it's not church, persay, it's the pressure that's getting to my head. It's almost like I'm in a movie and the camera spins around dizzily as I hear voices of people who aren't saying anything but secretly judging, "You don't come to small group. You don't serve enough. You're not good enough." Sounds creepy, but if it could be put in a film, that's probably what it would look like.
I've finally found my niche in serving at the schools, going to prayer group with amazing ladies, and being decent at home, and going to church throws that all off. I've been to prayer group once in the last three weeks, I've been ugly to my kids, and Brando and I are at odds most of the time when we're not realizing how stupid we're being.
People talk and talk and talk about community, how important it is to go to church to have "community". I'm sorry, church "community" is the fakest community I've ever met. People are more shallow there than anywhere else I've seen. You see them every week, they ask how you are, they act like they care, and then during the week, who's there? Not them. The friends and community cultivated outside of church are there.
The lady who "judged" me for not going to church has not ONCE tried to reach out to me to be any sort of "community". I've reached out to her several times, and have finally given up seeing how she reaches out to others - anyone but me, and sits there and judges me instead. I get it. During her lonely times in her life, church made her feel like she had community. Does she think the way she lives works for everyone? Apparently. And she practices what she preaches, too. I guess she only offers the gift of her community to those attending church.
Do I sound bitter? I'm not. Okay, maybe I am. Maybe it's these stupid sedation drugs wearing off, or the Advil I'm pumped up on. We didn't go to church yesterday as we were at the urgent care finding out Shawner's wrist is fractured. And you know what? It was a relief. A relief not to feel the pressure of everybody around me telling me who I should be. I want to listen to God. And that's it.
Brando says we could go to church, hear the message, and leave, and create our involvement and our community elsewhere. Which I totally agree, except I'd be suppressing myself in how I love to meet new people. Unfortunately, as a result, perceived pressure still builds in my head, messes with my outlook, and I allow it to turn me into a nightmare, expecting myself and everyone else around me to be a certain way, too.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
So nervous I almost don't want to blog about this.
Going in for varicose vein surgery again tomorrow. The first time I did it the veins were so bad it was obvious it needed to be done. This time, the veins are only starting to bulge. I realize it will only get worse, but since they aren't quite *that* bad yet, I'm nervous about going in.
Plus, Shawners fractured his wrist this weekend and we need to take him into an orthopedic tomorrow.
Please pray all goes well and everything goes well, smoothly, and quickly, for everyone!!
Going in for varicose vein surgery again tomorrow. The first time I did it the veins were so bad it was obvious it needed to be done. This time, the veins are only starting to bulge. I realize it will only get worse, but since they aren't quite *that* bad yet, I'm nervous about going in.
Plus, Shawners fractured his wrist this weekend and we need to take him into an orthopedic tomorrow.
Please pray all goes well and everything goes well, smoothly, and quickly, for everyone!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Sleep
Is what I need.
Grateful for is what I'm feeling and attempting to focus on instead of being disappointed my appointment setting to have Justinbustin's teeth pulled inadvertently pushed him down to second string from first string where he didn't play as much in tonight's game that his team lost 38 to 8 where he got 'trucked' in one of his three plays by a big kid on the other team. Grateful he wasn't on the field the whole time and trying to let that override any guilt I feel for doing what needed to be done.
Missing my hubby. Their branch has a yearly audit tomorrow they just found out last night would happen tomorrow. He'll be home after midnight. Grateful he doesn't work long hours or travel for a living. So many have to deal with husbands being gone and I'm not sure how they do so. I used to enjoy my moments alone. Now I miss the heck out of him as we get so little time as it is.
Regret is what I feel for the nuclear meltdown we had Friday night. I apologized over and over to the boys but it's not enough. No reason for things to get out of hand like it did. Nothing physical, but pure ugliness, exhaustion, and stress coming out in the worst of ways.
Tired is how I'm feeling about this week. Tomorrow will be the third day Justinbustin has gone straight from school to another activity that we've all been at. Only I will need to be at this one and twil' end a lot early, but tired is how I feel.
Nostalgic for baby life is a general feeling for the last few years. I'd really love to adopt as I always have. Not sure if that's a possibility. Part of me wants to have another. Another part of me isn't sure I could parent a baby and a high schooler at the same time. Ones emotionally exhausting, the other is physically exhausting. I'd be exhausted all over.
And I'll end on that theme and maybe do something about it by getting some sleep!
Grateful for is what I'm feeling and attempting to focus on instead of being disappointed my appointment setting to have Justinbustin's teeth pulled inadvertently pushed him down to second string from first string where he didn't play as much in tonight's game that his team lost 38 to 8 where he got 'trucked' in one of his three plays by a big kid on the other team. Grateful he wasn't on the field the whole time and trying to let that override any guilt I feel for doing what needed to be done.
Missing my hubby. Their branch has a yearly audit tomorrow they just found out last night would happen tomorrow. He'll be home after midnight. Grateful he doesn't work long hours or travel for a living. So many have to deal with husbands being gone and I'm not sure how they do so. I used to enjoy my moments alone. Now I miss the heck out of him as we get so little time as it is.
Regret is what I feel for the nuclear meltdown we had Friday night. I apologized over and over to the boys but it's not enough. No reason for things to get out of hand like it did. Nothing physical, but pure ugliness, exhaustion, and stress coming out in the worst of ways.
Tired is how I'm feeling about this week. Tomorrow will be the third day Justinbustin has gone straight from school to another activity that we've all been at. Only I will need to be at this one and twil' end a lot early, but tired is how I feel.
Nostalgic for baby life is a general feeling for the last few years. I'd really love to adopt as I always have. Not sure if that's a possibility. Part of me wants to have another. Another part of me isn't sure I could parent a baby and a high schooler at the same time. Ones emotionally exhausting, the other is physically exhausting. I'd be exhausted all over.
And I'll end on that theme and maybe do something about it by getting some sleep!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Well...
I was going to blog. But then I got distracted opening a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Cider. The boys are home today for school holiday. I LOVE having them home. Makes me miss the days of home school. But they are SO much better off learning a million different ways to do things than the one pigeon hole way I do things. I only pray their hearts stay true and strong like their Dad's does.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Reflections and Regrets
*We have this opportunity to go on this AMAZING adventure next August, and I am balking. One, all I can think is being on a BOAT for seven days straight where I may indeed go stir-crazy. The part I'm not factoring in there is the fact I will be OFF the boat for four out of those seven days in an amazing, breathtaking place. Two, the cost is OUTRAGEOUS, especially because of the way Brando's Mom travels. I'm calculating how many vacations we could take (but probably wouldn't any way) for that ONE vacation. Three, planning a vacation a year in advance seems SO weird to me. Gives me more time to obsess over the process, which is not a good thing for me.
*Regretting. Not taking family photos at Natural Bridges this last March. Ran out of time and energy on our way home from Tahoe. Now that Justinbustin is almost as tall as me, I feel like we missed our window to have family pictures where he was still shorter than I. Regretful.
*Regretting. Not having Justinbustin and his cuz Kile surf together in August as we were at the Boardwalk with my parents on the day I'd intended them to go. I didn't even call him or his brother, Jasin, to come to the Boardwalk as they had dealt with lice the week before and I did NOT want to go there again. Good thing, since when my sister got them from their dad that weekend they were still dealing with lice. Still. I feel like I missed the chance for Justinbustin and Kyle to go surfing together again while they were still shorter than their moms. Regretful.
*Comparing. I am SO SICK of comparing. My Mom texted me today about how my niece went to lunch with my nephew Kile yesterday and was shocked he was as tall as her. She's a little shorter than I. Instantly, my mind went to all the yukky feelings from May that came up... which I realized just now I never posted about. Maybe that's a good thing. No need to rehash. This thought came to me today as I thought about comparing: To compare is criticize the one without fully appreciating the other.
*Regretting. Not taking family photos at Natural Bridges this last March. Ran out of time and energy on our way home from Tahoe. Now that Justinbustin is almost as tall as me, I feel like we missed our window to have family pictures where he was still shorter than I. Regretful.
*Regretting. Not having Justinbustin and his cuz Kile surf together in August as we were at the Boardwalk with my parents on the day I'd intended them to go. I didn't even call him or his brother, Jasin, to come to the Boardwalk as they had dealt with lice the week before and I did NOT want to go there again. Good thing, since when my sister got them from their dad that weekend they were still dealing with lice. Still. I feel like I missed the chance for Justinbustin and Kyle to go surfing together again while they were still shorter than their moms. Regretful.
*Comparing. I am SO SICK of comparing. My Mom texted me today about how my niece went to lunch with my nephew Kile yesterday and was shocked he was as tall as her. She's a little shorter than I. Instantly, my mind went to all the yukky feelings from May that came up... which I realized just now I never posted about. Maybe that's a good thing. No need to rehash. This thought came to me today as I thought about comparing: To compare is criticize the one without fully appreciating the other.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Saturday morning/Sunday night
*Brando got home at 3pm today with a nasty headache, possibly from gas poisoning at his office. Long story. May've also been allergies. I ended up getting a nasty headache as well, and, after picking Justinbustin up at 4pm, fell into bed and fast asleep with him. Bolting up at 7:22pm thinking the time said 7:22am and finding the boys playing their games in the living room has utterly thrown me off for the evening in a fun feels like just woke up Saturday morning relaxing time, but also Sunday night relaxing time as the boys' still have school tomorrow am.
*Raspberries from Costco. Yum. 'Nuff said.
*Baby cuddles. Delicious. 'Nuff said.
*Return of two of my favorite TV shows: Revenge, and Once Upon a Time.
*Raspberries from Costco. Yum. 'Nuff said.
*Baby cuddles. Delicious. 'Nuff said.
*Return of two of my favorite TV shows: Revenge, and Once Upon a Time.
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