Text to my girlfriend

Just left Aust*n ar*aob gyn. SO glad i went. Had to get a shot in my booty of Rhogam because I'm negative blood and brandos positive so if this pregnancy was positive blood then my body would learn to reject it. With the shot it recognizes it as ok. She said prob would've been ok otherwise because I may still have some in my system from the last ones but this ensures it so that this doesn't happen again for that specific reason any way not that that's what it was this time. Also did ultrasound and everything looks good. Hormone levels were so low when they did bloodwork last week they would count it as zero. They are SO NICE. I had Jack*e who was a nurse practitioner. SO knowledgeable and SO nice. They said they could do prenatal care if we try again and still have my midwife deliver if she's here or they can deliver if she's not. Good to know. That was something that was difficult and emotional to figure out in the moment. Peace of mind if we try again. Thank you for encouraging me to go there to make sure everything is okay!

Sooooooooo strange to not be pregnant after a positive pregnancy test. Seriously feels like an out of body experience. I've not ever had a positive pregnancy test without a baby. I guess if we try again having this experience will be good for the initial shock - instead of being stone walled with and freaking out over reality, we'll be cautiously preparing and praying all is well. Right? Seriously, so strange. And this may sound insensitive, but I miss the big boobs already.

Along the lines

of what happened to me:


http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/2008/02/chemical-pregnancy.html

More on it here:

http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/chemical-pregnancy.html

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/onetimemiscarriages/p/chemicalpreg.htm

If you read those articles, welcome to our world of confusion.

Only my blame would be the hike I did before it started. But there really isn't any blame.

As the first comment said, God has a bigger plan than we can imagine. Yes, He does.

Next time I won't be telling *any*one until way past the eighth week. This is way too confusing to tell people.

To make it even more confusing, here is what I just texted to one friend after the ultrasound:

Okay. Update. There was no baby or gestational sac in the uterus. Chances are it was a very early miscarriage called a chemical pregnancy where the sperm and egg meet but doesn't implant properly and doesn't start to form even though hormone levels go up and the body starts to prepare itself. OR we could be in very early stages of pregnancy because of the size of the uterus, but not likely because of the bleeding even though I still had a positive pregnancy test yesterday. Welcome to our world of confusion. Only option now is to wait til the bleeding stops and keep taking pregnancy tests until we get a negative or go back in if they remain positive. Thanks for your support it means a lot. I am doing okay because God has a bigger plan than we can image [yes, I totally used the commenters words. they seemed fitting and i couldn't seemed to find words of my own that weren't too final or not enough].

Email to my midwife

Still bleeding this am. :(:(:( going in for an ultrasound today but will have to wait for the doc to give us the results since it'll be a tech. Kinda nervous. Wish I'd set an appt already with an ob so we could take care of the ultrasound and reading it all at once. Will you be able to read it if I have them send it to you too? I don't know how I could do that but I could ask. Maybe they'll give me the images. I keep hearing of people who have their periods while pregnant and it almost feels like that, but I have been a bit crampy Nd uncomfortable last night and this am :( .

Good to know about having the ob for next time I guess or this time if at all possible. Then, we'd at least have a hospital 'connection' for when you're out here and not just having to show up in the er with whoever God forbid? Although with an ob it could be whoever any way but at least whoevers on call. Theres concerns going that route too but too much to think about right now.

Whatever happens

I'm happy the man who sets this up on my nightstand and dresser while I'm in the shower will be by my side.

Bleeding

I'm bleeding and I went to the doctors. I'm confused and out of it and I don't want to talk about it. I'm going in for an ultrasound tomorrow to make sure it's not ectopic which I guess would be dangerous. Otherwise they didn't really say but the thought I think was I'm possibly miscarrying.

So much to write. Sigh. Need to do another bullet post list soon.

It's a Sabrina bubble bath sorta night

One of my favorite favorite things to do for myself and Brando sets it all up. In heaven.

Makes me nervous to talk about but don't know if it's the lack of alcohol and coffee or the prenatal vitamins or all the vegetables I've been gobbling up but man I feel motivated. Nice feeling. Took a half hour walk while Shawners was at tumbling today - something I usually don't take advantage of the time to do. Had a blast with myself and my thoughts - something I've been struggling with lately, too. Crossing fingers it doesn't go away!

Ironic to get my first SWA drink coupons yesterday hehe

Told KT yesterday. Here's how it went.

Told my girls Li and M tonight. Made me feel sooooooo much better. Li was excited for me, heard my nervousness, and then was NORMAL with me as we talked about crazy emotions we've been feeling lately. Which was EXACTLY what I needed. May actually be excited for the first time. M was just plain excited which was cute too :) . So funny she made a pregnancy comment before I had mentioned anything and before Li could've even had time to mention something which she wouldn't have any way. Actually I was telling Li Laura's comment, "It only takes one." for the man you are to marry and M goes, "No, it doesn't. It takes two to get pregnant didn't ya know?" LOL. I would've spurted water if I was drinking it. I had to tell her after that.

Pregnant

Oh, goodness. Here we go.

Brando and I have been trying, as you well know. This month we went full force. Previous months we were pretty "safe" around my period time. This time we went straight for the middle of the month. Last night after really, really wanting a glass of port or a Chip*tle margarita, I decided I'd take a pregnancy test and if it was negative, have my darn port or margarita. Only. It was positive. I've spent most of the day going between being okay and freaking out. Yes, I realize we were going for it and yes I would've been sad if it was a negative, but I didn't realize the full range of emotions I would go through when it actually happened. Also, I'd kind of resigned myself to not trying again if I wasn't pregnant as Brando is getting on a steroid nasal spray for his allergies and I didn't want that to be a part of it. So. I'd kind of resigned myself to not being pregnant. Only, I am.

I've told Brando's mom, my sister, my mom, my other sister, and one good friend who is also pregnant :) and now you. Shawners is excited, and Justinbustin doesn't care either way.

I go between SO FREAKIN' nervous; I'm okay; this is what I wanted; at least Brando and I are married and not divorced off with another spouse and having a "fresh" start with another spouse putting the kids through that; how the hell am I going to do this; will I have enough love for all three; will either of the boys feel left out; will Brando and I still be as in love as we are right now; oh, sh*t, this is going to affect our date life; I'm okay; what was I thinking?; I wanted another kid, it was now or never; my Mom did this at my age, I can do it, too; oh, crap, I'm pretty sure my Mom and Dad were much further along in their lives at this age but maybe they weren't; I'm okay; is this child going to feel like an only child, 'cuz pretty sure we're done after this; hope this nervousness doesn't turn into a panic attack - keep saying nervous, it will keep the anxiety away; I love this man so much - I should be excited we are creating another life!! NOT nervous; I'm still nervous; ahhhh, my boys are SO handsome and sweet and I love them so much - they totally complete me and now I'm throwing a curveball at them - will they still be so handsome and sweet and love me so much?; I'm okay.

My sister says another will be a blessing. That generations before had older siblings, then younger siblings to experience babies, then the older siblings would have babies and the younger siblings would experience babies. Her boys had my boys as babies. Mine will have their younger sibling, and possibly a second cousin. That encourages me a little bit.

My sister in California is excited.

The boys are being sweet and extra sensitive with me.

Brando took me on a date this evening.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.