Drop Dead Diva

Watched Drop Dead Diva from beginning of the season to end this week. Super cute so if you have some downtime before Hulu takes it off on June 6th, watch it.

Oh my gosh

I am so, SO torn inside. I just sent an appeal letter to Justinbustin and Shawner's school I want them to be in SO bad this year. I just found out they have all but fourth grade closed to transfers for next year. My backup plan is to homeschool them and that will totally throw off my own schooling. I am crossing my fingers and trying to think of every. possible. way. I could get them there besides walking away from our lease and moving to a home the four of us can't agree on. I am so, SO torn. Praying that God opens ears and hearts right now and they take the boys under their wing as they did with Justinbustin two years ago.

Content

Here I sit in my pjs, glasses, and freshly shampooed hair watching back episodes of Drop Dead Diva. KT texted me earlier asking what I was up to tonight, and I forgot to respond until this evening, then Mar called me just now to ask if I wanted to head downtown to meet up with her and friends. Yet, here I sit, perfectly content. Had dinner with the family, hot sex with Brando, cuddled up next to him watching a show for a bit, now he's working on his resume, and I'm watching my show. Content. And perfect.

The Good

*Bought myself mixed greens, gorgonzola, granny smith apples, and walnut pieces the other day to make a salad together with oil and red wine vinegar for dressing, and today I'm having my third salad of the week!

*Brando has been letting me lean on him (again). Fortunately, he didn't let me fall, so when he had to back off this morning, I was able to right myself. He texted me this morning that perhaps I should go spend the summer with my parents, and when I told him they wouldn't let me, suggested moving across the street with KT just to get my head on straight. Something in me snapped in at that moment and I realized as crappy of a time as I'm having adjusting, at least I'm conscious. I haven't given up, like I did last time. Yes, I'm miserable right now, but it'll get better. It always does. Plus, I would miss him. Maybe not the kids right now, but definitely him. And I texted him so, and we've had a fabulous day since.

*The boys have found their own independence here, which gives my brain a little break. I taught JT how to text this afternoon and they have my cell phone and are off at the business center, texting me via email. My favorite so far? " : ) love you "

*The boys actually did their chores completely today for the first time since we moved!! Yay!!

*The boys helped me clean out the car completely.

*The boys and I made $30 hauling our crap to a friend's garage sale. Now we're saving the rest to have one of our own! I love teaching the boys the value of getting rid of stuff!

*Brando took me on a late night date last night to the D*main at a new place, N*rth, where I had a delicious White Peach Prosecco, he had a mojito, and we shared garlic ciabatta bread with hummus, goat cheese, and pesto.

*Going to a friend's pool party tonight! Can't wait! Speaking of, I'm off to go get ready.

*Oh, and according to a pregnancy test I took last night I'm not pregnant!! Whoo! Still don't have my period which worries me, but perhaps it's the stress. Hopefully, it'll come soon (never thought I'd utter that sentence in reference to that time of the month).

The Good...

*WARNING: Vent/pity party post ahead*

Wow, I started on such a high of good, anything seems to pale in comparison. I feel like I'm a broken record but I have been REALLLLY cranky. I really hope I'm not pregnant. The days are seeming to drag on and on and on.

With this move I'm starting to question myself on everything. While my head is cleared and I feel like I can actually THINK again, I'm starting to wonder what the hell AM I thinking? My counselor says I think too long term, but what are we if we don't think long term? I live in the moment PLENTY and that has gotten me... well, here. What about getting THERE, where I want to be?! How am I supposed to get there?!

I'm sure this is a REALLY bad PMS week or being pregnant (I always was moody pregnant).

Being here in this apartment feels a little cagey. I'm appreciating being closer, but I forgot what the cage feeling was like without having room for the kids to run and be. I couldn't bring myself out of my head in the house, so I am glad we are back, but now I can't wait to be in a house AND be close to town. It wasn't possible to do right away, so this is a good interim step, but that brings me back to planning for the future. Where IS close to town that works for room, schools, family, and friends?! We sort of shot ourselves in the foot moving to an apartment and having the kids grow up where we wouldn't be able to afford a home in the first place (all the homes around here are $500k+). So many thoughts are raging in my head, and I just want to get them OUT.

The Good

*Finished cleaning the house. Thank God for all the help from friends and family, as I'm sure I would have many more blisters, cuts, soreness, and stress if they hadn't!

*Iced coffee at Starbucks

*Lunch with my sister

*Shawners calling me and describing in detail that he "needed his library book, Meerkats, M-e-e-r kats, in the back of the car behind the driver's seat," and "he needed it before PE and Theatre Arts."

*Brando's sweet texts even though I've been venting and pissed off all day.

*Having the remote to the garage programmed, even thought it came at the expense of being locked out for an hour last night.

I'm stretching here... this is hard to do today.

Crankiness

I have been SO cranky lately. No idea why. Could be I'm PMSing, could be I'm not (which would mean something else entirely). I'm so stressed lately I think that's where my time of the month has gone and I don't really remember when I'm supposed to be getting it. I had been getting it around the 12th. After my detox my time went to about 28 days. Prior to that it had been 31 days. Between the stress and not eating as healthy lately, I wonder if it's gone back to 31 days. BUT I took my calcium this afternoon so hopefully that helps. Plus, we are all settled in, now I just need to get back to enjoying life and being motivated. May take awhile for me to do.

The Good

*Countless people showing up to finish up packing, move boxes, and unpack.

*Seeing the sunset from our bedroom window

*Crying tears of relief (admittedly, in between panic attacks but happy tears nonetheless)

*Super soft Berber carpet

*The boys each saying after taking individual showers for the night, "This shower is amazing!" Or, as Shawn put it, humongously wonderful.

*Ice cream in our completely unpacked retreat of a bedroom

*M decorating my bathroom so peacefully (after Brando walked in and said, "I love the way you guys set up the bathroom." I let go of the fact that I just won't ever be as good as M is at putting things together to where they look fabulous - doesn't matter what it is - I'm just happy she comes over to work her magic in my homes!)

*Li's humor to the day - especially when she put a tealight candle chimnea pottery over Shawner's armadillo, Army's, face like a gas mask and said, "This is what would happen if I decorated."

*My absolute amazing fantastic hubby who, when I panic tells me what to focus on, and when I tell him that's not what I need - I need to hear the positives, starts listing off the positives on cue, who holds me when I tell him I'm panicking and I'm so pissed off that I can't make it stop, who buys me ice cream when he goes into the store for milk and cereal for the boys, then, when I scoop it for us because he laid down and was too exhausted to get back up, tells me make sure and give yourself extra cookie dough cause that's what I would do if I was getting it

*My fantastic nephew and his girlfriend taking the boys to play mini golf this evening with the youth group after unpacking

Hits the Nail on the Head

If you are thinking of becoming a Mom, you HAVE to read this by The Mommy Blog. It's a requirement. Sorry, Mindy, don't mean to be stealing your solid gold material, but I have to have this here for my own future reference. I'll save it in a draft if you'd prefer!!

As funny as it is, the funniest part may be that she's not actually joking. This is seriously how it is. Read it, meet the requirements (yes, even learning Klingon - although you may be required to learn other languages such as the Shenglish I was speaking the other day), and you just might barely feel competent as a mother, but wayyy more so than if you laugh it off thinking it won't be the case for you. Good luck.

Youth Manager Position Job Description: Responsible for managing mostly small humans (1 to 10 at a time) within the constraints of scope, quality, time, and cost, and working within established Child Protective Service policies and guidelines, to nurture and groom offspring for acceptance in society at large. Also, anything else the wind might blow your way. Primary Duties: Work directly with the child, family, and the Holy Spirit in hopes that expectations are real and clear to all family members, and education and social objectives are being met within the constraints of the space-time continuum and according to the laws of physics. Report on progress of physical, emotional, psychological and Disney-fetish development, forecast maturation, manage practically-impossible-to-nail-down details of the transfer of charges from one place to another, including communication, assembly and delivery of Superego, and documentation and coordination of end-user interface. Ability to mind-read and teleport a must. Oversee resource allocation and task delegation for all family members, and ensure timely and accurate assessment of task participation to avoid tearful accusations of being SO, SO, SO UNFAIR. Complete all tasks within budget and time projections no matter how many hours you must “forget” to sleep. Emotional compensation will be provided in lieu of actual monetary remuneration, provided you supply it yourself and do it in private. Participate as a member of the family, providing suggestions, feedback, and requests from individuals to the group and to other mommy friends while having no illusions about the amount of control you have (none) and responsibility you carry (all). Keep abreast of and share issues with reference to your family and social obligations. Do not under any circumstances become familiar with how “others” do things or how “they” might inform your practices. La la la la la, I can’t hear you. Position Requirements: Three to five years zoo-keeping experience One of Hermione Granger’s time-fixey-thingies Formal child development education and/or progress toward certification of competence (provided this takes place solely in your head and does not disturb other moms; they are very busy finding their own way, blindfolded and handcuffed, through a minefield in a blinding snowstorm. Barefoot.) Good knowledge of toilet “learning” and hygiene implementation practices and better knowledge of psychological manipulation practices Experience managing budgets, schedules and resources (must be fluent in Classroom Flyer Analysis, Newsletter Decoding, Non-vocal Communication, Armenian, and Klingon) Track record for managing projects on-time, in-scope and within-budget without laughing Must be goal-oriented, have good discipline, and be able to keep family members motivated to tackle days one at a time, with medication if necessary Must enjoy a fast-paced dynamic culture with challenges, opportunity and excellent benefits, masochism, humiliation, confusion, and making breakfast for everyone you hope to avoid until school lets out Excellent written and verbal communication skills. Telepathy and Omniscience a plus. Excellent analytical, troubleshooting and problem solving skills. You’ll need them. Highly motivated, organized and success-oriented. Also, crazy. Being a mom offers: Generous Over-sharing Scant training Telecommuting and Flex-time Arrangements (i.e. occasional solo trips to the bathroom without accusation of abandonment but with a side of paranoia) Personal and Professional Development, on your own time and at your own expense. We do not need to hear about it. Progressive Yet Undetectable Advancement Savings and Retirement Plans (including our perennially popular Mommy Needs to Retire Somewhere Quiet Option) Not-even-close-to-paid Health and Dental Care. We are not made of money. Generous Paid Leave and Vacation Policy, minus the time and permission to take them. It’s how we can afford to be so generous. Membership and Participation in Professional Organizations such as Mommy and Me, AA, AlAnon. Tenure counts toward Section 8 qualifications. Service Recognition (kidding) To apply, please send your resume and cover letter explaining how your background could possible match and prepare you for the job requirements to beamom@dietrying.com.

The Good Today

*A facebo*k message from Li excited about being closer and wanting to take a "peace out" picture at the house with us girls

*Brando texting me saying, "One thing on the move - WATER! (that doesn't kill suck or kill plants and fish!)"

*Sleeping in with my hubbers til' he had to leave at 9am.

*The storm outside that's staying just far enough away to where I only hear a slight rumble, not a crash, and the pouring rain.

The Good

From an idea via my new favorite read, You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought, I am going to try and write The Good from each day. Today starts with this:

*"You're such a smarty tarty." texted from a girlfriend who was in my college algebra class last year, congratulating me on my semester

*Yesterday evening coming home to a beautifully decorated home with flowers on the table that my sister had neatly put back together after staying for an hour and helping me pack after I left the house.

*My husband texting me "Loving the emails! Keep 'em coming," after received my email rants of confusion over my uncertain feelings about this move.

*Coming across the artwork my children have made over the past year, being scared they won't make it anymore when we move back to the apartment, then coming across a post talking about the beautiful notes Justinb wrote me while at the apartment, and coming across beautiful artwork they did while at the apartments while I'm packing

*My dog covered in burrs and having to stay outside until I decide to brush her (not sure if that's necessarily good, but it's funny)

*Hawaiian coffee Brando and I brought back from our trip of which has been sitting for two hours because I'm too preoccupied to drink it but still tastes delicious with every sip I do take

*A whole summer of fun with my boys - I can't WAIT to take them to Hamilton Pool, go to Six Flags, go to Laguna Gloria, and hopefully set them up for a few camps

*KT, once again offering to help and even insisting, even though she's sick out of her mind right now, and who tells me I'm amazing when I tell her to get better because I don't want her to get sicker by helping me!! What did I do to get blessed with such a wonderful, amazing friend? Not to mention such a wonderful, amazing husband and boys!

Wow. It's only 12:40pm and I already have so many to write down for the day. Can't wait to come back and write more. I really hope I remember to do this every day - what a fabulous habit I've been meaning to do for years, but apparently I'm the type who has to read it in a book before I actually do it!

Added later:

*Dinner at P. T*rry's with the family as a result of me telling Brando I had been packing all day and needed some sort of normal.

It IS the little things

But who can know what the little things are until you get there?

At the house it was:

*The ice cream truck coming by

*The boys riding their bikes in the neighborhood

*The boys hanging out at the neighbors

*The neighbors hanging out here

At their school this year it was:

*The sno cone truck parked outside the school

*A field day that really taught them they could have fun with just metal folding chairs, caution tape, and balls

At their school last year it was:

*A Spring Carnival all of us could enjoy with sno cones, and cotton candy

*A wet field day that the kids were able to cool off with

At the apartment it was:

*Barbequing by the pool during the summers

*Going on many adventures without having the work of a house to take care of

*Good girlfriends next door

The big things:

At the house:

*Having a yard

*Having an extra 300 sq.ft. in the living area (aka extra bedroom and "game room")

*Families nearby for the kids to play with

At the kids school this year:

*Not a hoity-toity school (which had it's own pros and cons - one pro being don't feel like you have to live up to the Joneses, the downside being the kid next to you talks about his drunk parents and watching sex on TV)

At the kids school last year:

*More programs for the kids

*Kids are held to a higher standard (as much as possible for a school with 600 kids and government set expectations)

At the apartment:

*Not paying for maintenance

*Having an indoor sports court and business center

*Closer to friends at school

Oh boy

Here we go again.

Wow we have a lot of shit

Two days of packing and I've made it through my kitchen and living room. Yikes!

Things I've remembered from moving and packing before:

*Label each box explicitly

*Keep all the packing supplies (tapes, pens, box cutter, etc) in one area

Things I'm learning from this time:

*Wrap breakables in unused linens (avoids the heavy linen box, keeps the breakables safe, and saves on wrapping - what's a load of laundry when you get there)

*Use small boxes - big boxes aren't worth breaking your back over - learned this the hard way this time as my back is already sore

*Veterinarian offices who carry dog food and supplies are GREAT for boxes - one near here gets a shipment every Monday and gives away their huge supply of boxes (also, Craigslist rocks for free boxes, which is where I found the vet's office)

*Try to keep things in group, but not at the sake of using lighter boxes!

That's it for now. I'm sure I'll come up with more.

Moving

I thought I should update you all on where we are at. So many times I post my emotions and feelings here, but I neglect to realize that you don't particularly know what the heck it is I'm talking or what decisions we have made.

We bought a house last August. I hate it. It's far away from town, in the middle of hillbillies, suburbia, a HUGE expense (not the mortgage, the upkeep), and far enough away from my girlfriends and people actually our age, the toll road to get to town quickly costs a buttload (read at least $1200 since we've moved here, on top of mortgage and gas costs) and when we don't take it it feels like we live in the boonies. I cried during the closing. I wore sunglasses to hide the tears. Brando felt like we needed to get out of the apartment we were in as the rent was going up, and through a series of back and forth events (between deciding on an apartment, then renting a house, then buying a house that was closer but too small and too old, then buying this house or another house just as far away but close to a girl I have decided not to have a relationship with because she judges me for going out with my girlfriends, then back to buying this house). Brando told me we were not staying in the apartment any longer. Ironically, he thought we couldn't it would be smarter financially to buy instead of keep paying the high rent we were paying. The part of me that thought we shouldn't be living in an apartment and should have a house, because that's what families do, didn't allow the other part of me to resist. As a result, the boys school situation, my emotional health, and our finances have been in turmoil.

As far as the boys school, the boys had to switch schools so we wouldn't be spending 45 minutes twice a day driving them to and from school. They got the bottom of the barrel teachers at the new school. Justinb's teacher doesn't acknowledge I am there when I eat lunch with him. I have emailed her and not received responses. In order not to be "that person" and not make her despise my son, I have stopped trying to communicate with her. Justinb seems okay, at least, and as long as he is, I suppose my communication with her can stay where it's at. Shawner's teacher can not finish a sentence to save her life. She is nice enough, but her sentences to me most often start with, "Well, you know..." and then she doesn't say anything else. I'm not sure how she teaches. Shawners seems okay as well, and for that I am also grateful. He is much more unruly than last year, which leads me to believe her lack of firmness may lead to an undisciplined classroom, which irks me. But I don't allow it at home, and that's all I can do.

As far as my emotions, my emotional health was completely undermined when we moved. Signing those papers through tears and then having daily panic attacks again made me question every decision I've made since that point. I almost went on medication, but then my doctor told me I didn't have to fit the suburbian mold - I could go and live my old life with my girlfriends, and still go to the pool with the boys and those same girls, and I did. That knowledge, ability, gave me a tiny bit of power back over my own life and comforted me, and for the first three or four months I was gone 5-6 nights out of the week trying to not fall into a deep depression. Even still, I folded into an indecisive ball of fear. I started counseling a few months ago again and I've been getting better. The counselor confirmed my already suspecting thought that the move to this house was so shocking and so opposite of what I wanted that I'm questioning every other little decision I make, even insignificant ones.

As far as our finances, they have gone completely down the drain. We were FINALLY getting ahead, paying a little extra off on the credit cards, not using them, and having money for weekend trips here and there. Since last August, when we moved here, our $0 balance Discover card has gone up to $5000+ with toll bills, our trip to Hawaii (another indecisive choice I made - last year when we made the trip, we had the costs covered in one way or another, and this year if I had been conscious and not beaten down emotionally, I would've made sure we had a trip that was JUST as fun, but less costly than Hawaii - overall, Hawaii was FABULOUS, and I'm not sad we went, it's just the decision to do the high cost Hawaii trip versus pouring the work into a just as much fun California road trip reflects the emotional state I've been in). We are going backwards, at a fast rate. I'm hoping the move will stem the flow, but we will have some catching up to do.

We leased our house out, and our move date is the 22nd of this month. We don't have a new place picked out. We have limited options to get the kids back to the school which worked well for them. To move back to our old apartments would mean Shawners would possibly not be able to go that school as his grade is full and the boys would be attending on a transfer. There are three other apartment options around the school. Unfortunately, the housing costs are too high to rent a house. It is coming down to the wire and I am stressed wondering where we are going to end up. But I'm conscious. I can think. I'm not crying. I'm not working through my tears to try and pack us up. I'm not in shock mode. And I like that. We'll see where we end up after that.

Torn

My parents are leaving today and I am once again torn as to why I am here in Tex*s in the first place. Family means SO much, but at the same time I feel like a small, miniaturized, stepped on version of myself around them. Scratch that. I don't even feel like myself around them. I feel like somebody who I despise, hate, and could never live up to their expectations or even be somebody they admire. They have always looked up to my sister, whether she takes their money, goes to jail, or whatnot, and I somehow fall in the background no matter what I do living this thing called life. I guess being here has compounded that fact, as it seems every other sentence is about how wonderful my sister and her kids are while they wonder why I'm going to school. I feel subpar, not good enough. I HATE that feeling and it's not right. That's why I'm here in Tex*s, I guess. So I can live without feeling guilty for trying to do right by my kids, husband, self, and friends. So I can live with feeling like I'm a good person for being exactly who I am, not someone everyone else wants me to be.

I love my parents being here, though. They do always push me to do the right thing (while haloing my sister who does the opposite), and I appreciate that. They push my kiddos to have character, and I love that. They help out monetarily and they spend time with me, which I adore. Quality time is definitely my love language and they definitely make quality time a priority - whether it be eating out, taking the kids to Austin's Parks N Pizza, shopping - the priority is the time together, not the activity. I love that. And when they're in California, I miss that, and my kids miss that.

Thus, I'm torn.

Memories about this weekend I don't want to forget

*Celebrating Justinb's, L's, and Chris's birthdays, celebrating my parents' anniversary, celebrating Mother's Day

*Waking up to a long stem red rose, my favorite Lindt chocolate, and a Mother's Day card from Brando, then a collection of cards, poems, and painted paper weight rocks along with another long stem rose, Lindt chocolate bar, and card from Shawners, and finally another long stem rose, Lindt chocolate bar, and card from Justinb

*Driving around with our five car caravan including my nephews adorable brand new yellow c*rrado - it felt like a scene out of Fast and the Furious, and I just love that we all cared enough to do the same things together - church, brunch, ice cream, Costco, my house.

*Applauding my mother when she came out of the restroom at the restaurant as we'd been waiting on her in group picture form for five minutes

*Having someone ask my sister and nephew's friend if she'd like them to take the picture so she could be in it. After Brando told them she was the one person who didn't need to be in the family photo, my sister ran after them and put her foot in her mouth when she told them that the girl was her "adopted daughter". We all laughed hysterically after she told us and we all, including her, realized what they must've thought when she said we didn't want the "adopted daughter" in the picture

*Taking pictures of Justinb and the boys last night at Austin Parks and Pizza and not being able to get a serious smile out of him as he was having way too much fun and had nothing but huge smiles on his face

*Getting a video of Justinb dancing to the music at the video game arcade last night, then walking outside the arcade to get a video of my Dad doing the same thing - unbeknownst to either of them

Random notes...

because all my coherent thoughts are going towards papers, presentations, and studying.

*Morning coffee is delicious

*We are about to move yet again

*I am so super undecided about where, but I love that my friends have faith in me that I will make the best decision

*I just wish I knew what that is now

*My parents are coming this weekend

*I will be running around like a chicken with my head cut off to get the place tidy the night before they get here, or maybe the night they do

*Brando has finally taken on the responsibility of keeping the relationship with his family

*He still gives me credit for it - thank God since I did for ten years and am so happy to pass on the responsibility

*My first solo presentation is tomorrow and I'm scared to death but have a funny way to perceive it, according to my counselor.

*He says tell the audience you're nervous, then ask the audience to stand up and applaud you, when they're done ask them to boo you, then tell them now you've done the worst and best you can so the rest can be whatever it is.

*If I don't have the balls to do that, at least I have that to make me laugh in my mind

*Moving. Always bittersweet. This house I hate I've grown to love

*The moment I think about staying though I go into a near panic attack

*Thinking of making a list of things we do as a family that we can do anywhere, in any home

*Maybe that will feel like any home can feel like home and I'll know exactly how to make it feel that way

*Off to type two more lecture notes and finish filling out history learning objectives!