WTH

How the heck is Forever 21 literally 500 times busier AFTER Christmas than before?!

At least they're nice now versus before Christmas. Overheard from one girlfriend to another:

"I love this store."
"It makes me want to sing and skip through the store."

Deliciousness

It's wrong how delicious these are. Oh, The Farm, how I love thee, your chocolate macaroons, chicken & fresh mozzarella sandwiches, and Cafe Au Laits.

Seriously?!

This morning Brando had laser eye surgery (in-office procedure to upkeep his prior surgeries from ten years ago), this afternoon we're on our way to the snow in his Mom's Pilot with four snowboards on top - Brando's old one, mine and Shawner's new one, and Justinbustin's acquired one from a cousin in Ut*h who outgrew his. Now let's just hope we don't get snowed out (or in!).

Also, staying at my sis's - can't WAIT to see her!! Usually she comes down to see me but since she knew I was coming up she didn't this time and it feels really weird to be back in my hometown without her around.

OMG I got a snowboard!

Now let's just hope I can ride it. It's gorgeous! With a peacock and black & gold bindings.

Thanks for the Christmas present, Oma!

So Annoyed

So sick of girls who use their husbands for an excuse instead of just saying they don't want to do something and so sick of girls who let their guys choose all their fun plans!!!

Sorry for the vent but seriously if you don't want to do something SAY IT instead of blaming it on his schedule, whims, and fancies, cause I'm gonna stop asking and be pissed that you're not saying how it is.

Also, choose your own fun, girl!!! Don't let something you want to do not happen just because your man doesn't feel like it. I am so sick of having to be dragged into whatever he feels like as well since that's all he'll ever do!! We have fun any way, but stand up to him so maybe one of these days we can do something one of the rest of the four of us has chosen to do.

Excuse the bitch moment.

This must fall under the category of things I want to say out loud but haven't quite figured out how to come across as a total bitch while doing so.

Songs Making Me Cry Right Now

(disclaimer: perhaps it could be the teensiest close to my time of the month)


Lead Me - Sanctus Real
This reminds me of what young wives so desperately need. And the struggle every young husband has between creating a career and being there for his wife. I say it, because I live it.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sanctus-real-lyrics/lead-me-lyrics.html)
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Come Back to Me - David Cook
This reminds me of Brando's attitude during the time I was trying to figure myself out. And it reminds me to let him go as he's trying to figure himself out.

You say you gotta go and find yourself

You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/david-cook-lyrics/come-back-to-me-lyrics.html]
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

I'm Officially an Honor Student

I just completed my first honors class AND my first public speaking.

WHOO!!! *jumping around* *pattting self on back* *gleeful clap* go ME!!

Sooooooo freaking proud of myself. I almost dropped the class twice. Not for the honors aspect, but the public speaking aspect. Terrifies me so much so that I feared more than once I would fall over from shaking. Once I did lock my knees. That was not good.

But I got through it. I accomplished my goal of becoming confident to the point where I could give a speech if somebody asked me to. Now, hopefully, no one asks me, but if they did, I could do it and would kick it's ass.

Some things I learned about me as a speaker:

-I love to give lots of information...

Oh, what the heck, I'll just put up the final assignment by the public speaker so you can read for yourself:

1.) Discuss what you learned about yourself in the whole of the semester in
general.

This semester I learned that stressing over school is not worth the physical toll it takes on me, and that it's okay to take a break if need be with as much as is on my plate.

2.) Discuss what you learned about yourself in this class.

In this class I learned I like to be very factual and informational. I learned I would rather be quiet than speak on something I have not yet researched.

3.) Discuss what you discovered/learned from other people in this class.

In this class I learned from other people that each person has their own speaking style, and that each style is wonderful and unique to that person and the message they have to deliver.

4.) What do you honestly think you made in this course, in other words what
would you give yourself as a grade if you could grade your self-be
realistic! Base your answer on how hard you tried/what you put into it,
grades you have made, participation, attendance-have you missed a lot & why,
improvements as the course went along in your skills, et. Anything else your
grade should be based on?

I would give myself an A+ in this class based on the immense effort I have put into creating speeches that contain as much information as I can fit into it, the grades I have made (all A's, except for one B+), near perfect attendance, and the improvement in my speaking confidence, lessening of nerves, and belief in myself that I could actually give a speech if called upon, none of which I would've thought possible before I began this class.

5.) Final Thoughts:

This has been a very interesting class to take. There were several times I considered dropping it as the sheer amount of stress the idea of speaking has put on me has not been pleasant. However, my goal in taking a speech class was to become more confident in my speaking ability and be able to have the confidence to actually be able to take advantage of other speaking opportunities in my life if need be. I feel like I have accomplished that goal, and would be willing and prepared to speak at other venues if the situation called for it, and be able to speak well.

Part II-
1.) Formulate a general question about communication at large. Just ask the question. In can be general or specific.

My question about communication at large is: how can communication become more effective in relaying the true meaning to others?

Formulate a general question about public speaking at large. Just ask the question. In can be general or specific, or relate to specific problem.
My question about public speaking at large is: what is the best way to communicate your subject to your audience through public speaking?

2.) Briefly discuss how you have grown as a speaker. Then list 3 things you feel you do well as a speaker.

I have grown as a speaker in confidence in both my speaking ability, speech writing, and selection and development of subject matter. As a speaker, I believe I relay information well, maintain eye contact with each member of the audience well, and deliver a conclusion that leaves an emotional impact.

3.) List at least three additional tips to giving a speech.

Three additional tips to giving a speech are: deliver your speech with enthusiasm, connect with your audience through purposeful eye contact, gestures, and body language, and say thank you and walk away from the podium when done with your speech.

4.) What is the most important element in the introduction?

The most important element in the introduction is the speaker's connection to the topic.

And the professor's email response:
"Thanks for being such an amazing student. And thanks for, I think, finally believing me that you ARE, in fact, a really good speaker! I am SO VERY glad that you did not drop. I would have been crushed. Seriously."

Sorry Mom

Playing sorry seems an appropriate game for the boys to play with me right now. I am up to *here* with attitude. They are trying to make it up to me.

My Boys are Growing Up

Driving into my garage & seeing Shawner's new bike next to Justinbustin's bike tugged at my heart & made me realize how much they are growing up

Nature vs Nurture

I would have to say I am a firm believer in nurture. This is the only reason I can understand why I stay here in Texas. My top reasons: family-friendly, better schools, better environment, yes there's still all "that stuff" around here but there's also productive, healthy "stuff".

Part of me wants to move back to Cali soooooooooooo bad. I want to be near my parents, to learn from them, I want my kids to grow up near their grandparents. Then I hesitate and think, if that's the case they will also be growing up near millions of potheads, a vacation town where resident or visitor almost everybody acts as if they are permanently on vacation without a care in the world and end up living at home with their parents. They will be growing up away from my sister and her boys, whom I love and are amazing role models.

Then, I wonder, what if my sister hadn't talked me into moving here. I had gotten an apartment on my own in SC at one time. Of course, I found out I was pregnant less than a month later and immediately moved back home. Perhaps I was traumatized by that, thinking I would never be able to get out on my own in SC, and thought coming here to Texas was the only way.

I don't know. I keep trying to understand why I stay here, why I don't just make the decision and say, "Let's go back to Cali." Brando would in a heartbeat. He's also content staying here. So it's up to my gumption to do it.

Go Me

Pretty proud of myself for writing this letter to Brando angry yet being totally constructive. Prior to this I had sent him another email detailing the events of my day (see post below). The all caps in the very beginning is because I had just spoke with him on the phone and we had gotten angry with each other and hung up.

Subject: What I want

AS I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE, I want to help us eat healthier. I want to pack the boys' lunches every week. I want to shop and cook for four good sized meals each Tuesday night. I want to decorate our home to have something I feel is worth keeping pretty every day. I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS. But I don't feel like I can do them with you. When I focus even a little on those things you act like I am doing something for the first time in my life and I DESPISE that feeling. That feeling makes my skin crawl. When I have that to look forward to instead of your support, help in other areas, ideas, guidance, and appreciation, it makes it an almost insurmountable goal.

With not doing school this next semester, I would like to focus on these things more. However, I REFUSE TO DO SO if all I am going to get (besides eating healthy and having a pretty house) is complaints about 1) how much I am spending, 2) how much I didn't do before, and 3) how perfect I am now that I am doing these things.

You have DIFFERENT FOCUSES AND GOALS THAN ME. It is important to you to make money, be the breadwinner, have a hobby that you can invest in be it photography, organizing our budget, watching specific tv shows, or leading cub scouts. It is important to me to continually grow, raise the boys in the way that they should go, support you, feed the boys healthy and teach them to eat healthy through doing so, enjoy life and new experiences with you, the boys, and myself. THESE are my goals. NOT making the house pretty. Your goal is NOT to make as much money as you can, and if I were to put that pressure on you and ONLY appreciate you when you did so, that would be unfair of me. You are putting pressure on me to ONLY make the house pretty, and that is unfair of YOU.

You're right, we are not other couples. We are US. And it is time for us to ACCEPT that, own business, beautiful house, high income, house perfect every day, or no. It is time for us to appreciate us for who we ARE and work TOGETHER towards what we WANT to be, not AGAINST each other. It is time for us to stop holding the past against each other. You are the man I met TODAY, the one that I blogged about who is amazing with kids and adorable sitting at a table playing games with them in order to stay connected to his kids' lives and be there for his son at his youngest son's request, the man who requested to be in another classroom contrary to his schedule just so he could be with his older son who didn't express the desire for him to be but who he cares enough about to be there anyway, the man who came home and immediately cleaned out the garage's stinky poop in an amazingly quick manner, the man who immediately figures out how to run errands, make sure our mortgage is paid, and does them with amazing initiative. I am the woman you met TODAY, the one who packed lunches for 45 minutes, studied for an exam that she had amazing notes whilst doing previously emailed list, took said exam, kicked it's booty amazingly, treated her arm condition holistically, said hi to a friend she hasn't seen in months for five minutes because she is an awesome amazing friend who would go thirty minutes out of the way to be there just to give a hug to someone she cares about, went to the boys school to do a weekly event of Wednesday folders and talk to the teachers to stay involved and connected in our boys' lives outside of our home, and came home to do the list I just emailed you on top of writing these two emails, and researching what a reasonable monthly budget amount might be. I am THAT woman, and you are THAT man.

It is time for us to accept and expect who we are NOW. Because we are pretty awesome. And we could do so much TOGETHER.

*end of email*

His response? You're amazing.

What I DO

Said with emphasis to prove a point in an email to Brando. Fortunately, I followed it up with a constructive email (see next post).

As a disclaimer, I do have to say, this is an old argument - one we don't visit every day, or even every six months these days. As you will see in my follow up email we are completely different people today than at the time this issue sent us to counseling four years ago. However, I've discovered one of the difficult things of keeping a marriage alive and fresh, is there are these old arguments, feelings, and resentments that are hard to let go of. I believe one of the keys to being married and continuing to love each other every day and continuing to fall in love is being able to, or at the very least working on, letting go and seeing each other in a fresh new light every day - as if you had met each other that very day. This is us letting go.

Subject: Typical Day

Here is the NOTHING that I do in a typical day:

Wake up
Figure out kids' lunch - be it spend 45 minutes making it like I did this morning for YOU and the boys or figure out how to get $ in the kids lunch account so it's not overdrawn
Make sure the dogs are taken care of and in their places
Make sure the lights are off in the house
Make sure any paperwork the boys need to have at school they have with them
Make sure agendas are signed and homework is completed
Go to class
If I don't go to class, research various things for my own intellectual stimulation and assistance for the family
Figure out lunch for myself
Run any errands I need to, which is usually none, because I don't have the budget
Wait in line for the boys
Pick up the boys
Make sure before we leave the school that they have jackets, lunchboxes, hats, agendas, homework, and guided reading
Talk to the boys about 3 interesting things each about their day
Make sure and use this time as a teachable moment to teach them about handling a situation if they bring up a frustrating or confusing situation
Make sure and use this time to praise them if they bring up a moment where they made a wise choice
Prep them for doing chores by reminding them to wash their hands first, take care of the dogs, eat a snack, do their homework, then do command central
Get home and assure they wash their hands
Fall onto the bed in exhaustion from the intense conversation and attention required on my part for the last fifteen-twenty minutes
Continue to relax while undertaking the exhausting task of ensuring they get along and complete their chores to your satisfaction
Help with homework
Make sure they ate snack
Make sure they took of dogs
Make sure they did their chores
Fill out any paperwork necessary for items needed at school, field trips, after school clubs, emails to teachers, etc.
Allow them to play when they've finished
Supervise play time and mediate arguments

THIS IS MY DAY EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN DAY.

Not to mention the extras I do often - I do a little bit of THESE EVERY SINGLE DAY:

Study for various tests and exams
Write papers and speeches for various classes
Research better ways to do things
Write to externalize and sort out my feelings so I don't bottle them up and explode on you
Contact the outside world of adulthood through coordinating one weekly coffee, one weekly girls night
Speak to my sister to maintain relationships
Organize, inspire, and think out family trips
Organize, inspire and think out weekly dates with you
Organize, inspire, and think out extracurricular activities for the boys
Meet deadlines to register the boys for sports
Take boys to weekly sport practices
Make sure there are no schedule conflicts for weekly boys games
Make sure Justinbustin is well connected in the youth group and available for volunteering, youth group, and extracurricular activities for youth group
Make sure Justinbustin is available for boy scouts
Make sure Justinbustin's boy scout achievements are recorded properly via him and the leaders of the group
Research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping Shawners to discover his passion, including considering a degree in zoology in order to further understand and be able to assist him in refining his passion
Research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping Justinbustin to further his passion, including beating myself up for not enrolling him in robot club, considering finding an architect or engineer to have him intern with, encouraging his newspaper involvement, website devopment, and quest involvement
Currently and recently, research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping you to realize your passion, including considering what I can do to help you feel supported, thinking of new paths for you to take, considering family upheaval and moving, and encouraging you to go beyond what you think you can do and do what I believe you can do

Additional things I do in order to survive at home on a weekly, semi-weekly, or monthly basis, which is the least of my worries:
Keep the showers from being disgusting
Keep the toilets from being disgusting
Keep the floors from being disgusting
Declutter the random crap that gets thrown in corners on a semi-weekly basis
Declutter the refrigerator
Make sure the boys room does not get disgusting
Keep the living room relatively clutter free
Encourage the boys NOT to play video games or be on the computer

These are ONLY the things off the top of my head, not to mention the many things I am SURE I am forgetting. Tell me, fucking tell me PLEASE where in that job description that it says DO NOTHING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

IF I WERE EVER EVER EVER going to keep the house immaculate AGAIN it would be because you are either taking some of those things over or FULLY SUPPORTING me in doing each and every one of them with the house being the lowest priority, i.e. coming home seeing the house a mess and saying WOW YOU MUST HAVE DONE A LOT TODAY, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT ALL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED. Don't come home and see a mess and ASSUME I HAVE DONE NOTHING. THAT IS AN ASSHOLE JERK RESPONSE. You often lament that you don't have time to do ANYthing because I won't let you relax and do anything when you get home. HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ANYTHING THAT TICKLES YOUR PICKLE when you don't even RECOGNIZE and APPRECIATE the things I do and WHO I AM.

Think about it.

Pure Cuteness

Brando is volunteering at the boys school today as a W*TCH DOG (Dads of Gre*t Students). It is so adorable. He has been helping out not only in the boys classrooms but all other classrooms in their grades as well. He said the third graders are so excited when he comes in and exclaim, "Are you the W*tch Dog today?!" When I walked in to do Wednesday folders he was playing a game with a few fifth graders at a table in the extra wide hallway. He makes my heart melt with how good he is with kids.

Random other fun facts for today:

*I got to see Mi! She stopped in Aust*n on her way from Dallas to San Antonio on the tour she's on and texted me to come see her. Of course I ran over there right away. I got the texts too late to have lunch with her but we managed to fit about 30 hugs in five minutes and it was totally worth it to see her!

*I got acupuncture today for my arms. Sooooo relaxing. I love the dark lit rooms and the quiet music. It's a student clinic so there's always two students and a professional and they are always so peaceful and relaxing and talkative. It's a very therapeutic setting, never mind the acupuncture!

*Shawners says when Grandma & Grandpa left, "I'm so sad my Grandma and Grandpa are gone. I wish me and Justinbustin went to Cal*fornia with them"

*Talking about going to Cali in the winter, Shawners says, "The good thing about going to California in the winter is we go there and it's cold and we come back and it's cold. Not like in the summer when we bake in the oven like a bacon."

Black Friday

First Black Friday EVER and LOVEd it! We started about 10am - enough time to still get deals but avoid the early wake up call & crowds. After hitting Target, we found this adorable French bakery that reminds me of one of my favorite places ever in S*nta Cr*z, Cali, K*lly's French Bakery. I had a delicious omelette, ham, & Swiss cheese croissant and an adorable cappuccino that tasted as good as it was cute. Afterwards we hit up about ten boutiques before DSW & another department store. Taking a little break watching the boys swim at the indoor pool of the hotel my dad rented a room at then hopefully headed back out!

DAMMIT

I completely, totally, one hundred percent forgot I had my government class yesterday. My parents are in town, the boys were off school, and it was Brando's one day off this week (besides the actual day of Thanksgiving) so I was in total vacation mode and it just COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND. I am SO MAD AT MYSELF and trying not to be. The worst part is I was sleeping in!!! So I TOTALLY could've gone. It wasn't even like I missed a fabulous family breakfast like we had on Sunday when Brando made us an omelette buffet and made us omelettes to order. I SLEPT IN. I have an exam next Wednesday so now I will have to work twice as hard to make up for it once my parents take off. AND, UGH, I just realized I have a class next Monday too when my parents are taking off for the airport. AND a paper due that day. I guess I'm glad I'm writing this out so I can realize what I need to get done.

I've realized I have a HUGE PROBLEM when my schedule changes. I FORGET EVERYTHING I REGULARLY HAVE TO DO. Seriously, I don't know how many "regular" things I do that I have just completely utterly dropped when my schedule changes in the slightest, i.e. doing Wednesday folders for Justinbustin's class when I stopped volunteering on Wednesdays and Shawners had a field trip that day. I remembered Shawner's Wednesday folders, I even helped the Mom delivering spirit gear that morning. Just completely forgot Justinbustin's class!! Until the next morning even!

Much like this government class yesterday. Totally didn't realize I'd forgotten til' I woke up at 8am and panicked cause I thought I had to be in class in an hour. Then realized it was YESTERDAY I was supposed to be in class.

Ugh.

NOTE TO SELF (which I've made before, but maybe I'll actually follow it this time): Put on calendar and set alerts for regular events when something different is happening that day.

Just put it on the calendar for next week. I wonder what other regular events I might be forgetting in the meantime.

Ugh.

Overwhelmed with Love

And the possibilities of what life is. We just have to grab a hold of it.

People I'm excited for:

Goldilocks with her newfound love. She relishes every moment and my heart smiles a HUGE smile everytime I read her posts about the sweet things they do for each other and the moments they spend together.

Alyssa's business has taken OFF. She is going to Newport to shoot a wedding and making it into a family vacation (thanks, Brando's facebook, for the update). I love how she loves life and makes it happen despite having to be responsible for a family. Five kids, gorgeous photos, gorgeous home, gorgeous clothes for all her sweet kiddos. It's a lot just to keep up in theory, and she does it in reality.

I'm doing a speech on creating your own luck and people that do. These two seem to be the essence of this, and I love it.

Lovin' Today

*Taking Kr*spy Kr*me doughnuts to Shawner's school for his birthday

*Appointment with a specialist to hopefully find out what's wrong with my arms

*Ordered a book by Susan Pohlman on Amazon that sounds like an Eat, Pray, Love with family

*Coffee with my bestie

*Random texts this week from my childhood bestie reminding me what an amazing mother, wife, and friend I am and to listen to my heart, smile, enjoy, and just be who I am.

*Amazing sex with Brando. Love simultaneous org*sms.

*My favorite holiday coming up - Thanksgiving!

*My parents coming into town. Nervous for them to fly but so glad they'll be here!

*Justinbustin having a movie night with his guy friends from school - so growed up.

*My MIL in Cancun - she deserves it!

*Being told by my counselor that Brando and I look even younger than the last time he saw us in July. And I didn't even tell him I've been having issues with that. Heart him.

New Boots

And a new coat...

Yay for birthday money!

More Best Friendly Advice

On getting older, and feeling confident about myself...

Do what YOU want. Don't care what others think. Wear makeup or not, wear the clothes you want. Do what YOU want, not what others think. Listen to the friends who will be honest with you and won't tell you something looks good when they really don't think it does.

Her examples?

She wants me to come to Cali longer and said, "I think you should come to Cali and stay longer because I want to see you." As I reply, "That's why I can't decide if I want to stay longer or not," she goes, "See? It doesn't matter what I want, it's what YOU want. You need to do what YOU want to do, not what I want you to do."

Her other example? She's wearing a white dress today. She doesn't care that you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, it's hotter than it's been all summer in Cali, and darn it all if she isn't wearing a white dress because she wants to.

I swear that girl gives the BEST pep talks - not even really pep talks - LIFE talks. I can mention a problem to her and she will go on for an hour about how I need to do what's best for me, and she will line it out exactly as I need to hear it.

She's my sister from another mother. She's in our family photos, her kids call me aunt, my kids call her aunt. I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.

Speaking of Photos

Photos are incredible. They tell a story. They track who we are, what we look like, our style, our interests, our personalities.

Looking back on photos from when the boys were toddlers I see things in myself (excuse the shallowness of my posts lately, I see it as a part of accepting and maybe, just maybe, hopefully, embracing my age right now) that I thought were new. Things that had been there all along - freckles, wrinkles, indentations in my face, muscle lines. Who knows maybe I had come to accept a photoshopped version of myself from Brando's gorgeous edited photos - an image I would back up with the few unedited photos of myself that would look just like the edited ones, but in reality those weren't the norm. It's so fun looking back on pure, unedited photos that show me as exactly who I am in all my young mom, young dorky unstylish 20s, acne prone, unmakeup wearing, running around two little boys. Not that impressive, let me tell you. But I didn't let that stop me then. Heck, I wasn't even AWARE of it. So why I should let it stop me now? Especially because I AM aware of it and realize it's not true. I do have style, I do wear makeup when I want to and am fine not wearing it when I don't want to, my skin is clearer, and I've matured to look like a woman, not like a little girl.

God, I love her (to quote Goldilocks :)

"Have goals for your 30s" - advice for turning 30 from my best friend I've known since elementary school.

After an hour long conversation where she told me, "This is why I love talking to you. I need your confidence", and my reply back to her, "I need YOUR confidence. I am so unconfident right now. I am happy with my hubby and my kids, but I am having a hard time accepting aging. Right now, I'm looking back at pictures from when I met Brando and I am SO much hotter now, lol, so that makes me feel better, but I am having a hard time excepting aging and knowing I am older."

Her response was having goals. I love it. Along with knowing all the turmoil that our twenties were, which is true. At the same time I LOOOOOVED my last few years of my twenties - heck the last four years, but truly I loved that everything came together in the last two. Maybe even more so in the last six months. So. Maybe that's what I look forward to - things are getting better - out of that turmoil my twenties were. Yeah, there's still turmoil, but I'm better at handling it, and I keep getting better (e.g. the moving situation - I learned SOOO much from that).

Goals.

Can't wait to write them.

Scared and a little nervous - it seems so monumental writing for a decade I'm not quite yet. But can't wait.

So so so content

This has been a strange year of many changes. Moving from house to apartment, renting out said house, losing our best couple friends but in the process learning how to have healthy arguments, our debt being paid off, finally getting on the same page with money & uniting on everything we do with it, falling out of love with social events, rediscovering my love of my husband, renewing our vows, contemplating where we go from here income wise, accepting aging & signs of it, no longer feeling like I can use my oft used phrase "we're so young", realizing money priorities are different for everyone at different times especially for windfalls - in the past mine have been clothing, travel, & going out at different times respectively - currently they may be trending towards making my home a retreat to come home to that is comfortable as well as aesthetically pleasing.

So. Lots of changes. I'm sure there's more to list, but that's off the top of my head.

OH MY GOSH!!!!

BABY FEVER!!!

The two adorable little tow-headed, pig-tailed girls that just walked by who must've been about two or three just gave me the worst baby fever. I do want more, just not now. A friend of mine just had a baby at 39 though so I have a few more years. Or we've always wanted to adopt. Nothing is for sure but I would love to have another baby or two in our lives someday and many more grandchildren. What a change from the past few years on the former part!

Mmm... Love...

Looooove having this blog. No pressure to post. No pressure to live up to other's expectations. I haven't even checked the stats on it but once or twice. I can just post whatever, whenever I want. Like a diary should be. This is my diary. The beautiful, the good, the bad, the ugly. My old blog has turned into my photo album which I also looooooove. But this is everything else, and I'm glad I have a place for that.

How much is genes? How much is nature?

How much is parents? How much is environment? How much is choice?

Where do my kids get their love of dancing from? It's not in my genes. It's in Shawner's genes, but Justinbustin is the first one on the dance floor. Is it because I love it now? Is it choice? Is it the environment that I love it now?

To know things you have to be taught, or have observed, or innately know and one day be confirmed. Kids who aren't taught or aren't given a chance to observe have less variety. I've always had that belief. About my kids. About myself. The thing is, I don't feel like my kids have had much more chance to observe, be taught, or experience more than I did. Yet they have SO much more variety than I did. How much of it is choice?

I am so grateful for that.

Blindsided

This is what happens when you overdo it:

Last Wednesday, while I volunteered I sent out emails for three hours, clicking probably 3000 times in the process because of the way personalizing each email was setup. My thumb, probably already aggravated by my tendency to overtext, gave out and turned into full blown tendinitis. Yesterday I got a splint for my right hand, and immediately my left thumb, which had been sprained in May and never fully healed, started acting up into an early case of tendinitis. Hence, the matching splint on my left hand today.

Thankfully, I have my best friend KT to pull me out of tears and feeling like a complete idiot by telling me it's human nature to overdo things, that it's probably frustrating just to have these things on and not have the mobility I normally do (it is), I won't look like an idiot, the priority is to let it heal, and that it's important to be okay with it and just let it be. Then she came over with an iced coffee and told me it was stylish, and I'd probably start a new trend.

Thank God for best friends.

Randomness

*Decluttered the living room yesterday and LOOOVE the lightness of weight I feel walking into it (our living room also happens to be our office, entry way, and is attached to the kitchen and hallway of the boys room which can become slightly overwhelming)

*Favorite station on Pandora lately: All the Right Moves. It plays favorites like Secrets by OneRepublic and the Scientist by Coldplay.

*I used to wrap myself up in the literal meaning of words, how they were written, grammatical errors, and choice of grammar. I used to be a perfectionist about my own. For some reason, the more I read, the more I learn, the more I see, those things mean less and less. They're still important, but they don't relate as much to me about a person now as their style, their personality, and what they are actually saying, regardless of how it is written, does.

*Obsessed with this post, and the Nicole Kidman like effect, as well as the effortless fun in front of the camera. Makes me want to go do another photo shoot. SO much fun!

Curious George

When Justinbustin was a baby, I showered him with Curious George memorabilia, calling Justinbustin my little monkey. Yesterday, in the grocery store, I saw a stuffed Curious George

and had a moment of nostalgia, feeling a little sad that he wouldn't be interested anymore. Little did I know Justinbustin would walk up a few seconds later and say, "CURIOUS GEORGE!!" grabbing him off the shelf and giving him a big hug. Of course, I had to get it for him with a huge smile on my face that he's still my baby, just a little. He came with a movie, and they watched it this morning, quite adorably.

So exciting!

After a defeat last week of 29-0, Shawner's flag football coach apologized to the team saying they were outcoached. It's his first season and he didn't realize how fast the game went once the kids were on the field. This week he picked up the pace, brought in a defense coach, and ran a bunch of plays by the kids. They killed the other team on the field today with 29-15 AND the other team was a lot of bigger kids coached by the owner of the league, who coaches up to five teams a season, and usually has a team that has been together a long time. The other team was singing Happy Birthday to their team after the game so who knows how long this particular team of the owners has been together. Shawner's team was AHmazing!! Go Br*ncos!!

Dear Boys,

Justinbustin,

Wow. Justinbustin. Wow. I am bowled over by all you have done this school year. My heart is exploding with pride, and I don't know where to put it but here. You came home the other week telling me you were creating a newspaper with a few of your buddies from school. You told me you had come up with the idea and your friend had implemented it, that the two of you had recruited another friend and together you were coming up with the ideas. One of you was printing the paper, one of you was handing it out, one was writing about origami, you are writing the comics, and another was writing a story.

In the past three weeks your idea has exploded into a team of about ten children. The first week the three, then four, then five, of you were allowed to work on your idea during recess and lunch. All three, then, four, then five, of you worked hard at the computers in the library every single second of recess and lunch, only taking time to scarf down food at the end. The second week your class was grounded from being able to work on the newspaper because you were goofing off. You made a point of telling me you were in the bathroom while this happened and were not a part of it. The third week you were allowed to start back up, and the idea quickly grew.

On Wednesday you came home telling me you gained the support of your teacher, Ms. M, and another teacher in the same grade, Ms. V, and the support of the entire grade's staff of teachers. You told me you were possibly going to put it online, and take photos for the paper. You came home and did research on a school newspaper website link your teacher had given you.

On Thursday, you came home and told me you were recruiting more fifth graders and possibly fourth graders by quizzing them on their skills, either having them already or having to teach them. You made a flier for recruitment that you asked for my assistance with in editing. I was so honored that you would ask me and refrained from giving any ideas at all in order to not water down the fantastic ideas you already had. I helped you with punctuation, and was so proud that you asked me to. Your Dad was bowled over by the language of your recruitment flier.

Today, Friday, when I took you to lunch, you let me know your team, the originals - as you call yourselves, LOVEd the flier, and you were surprised by that. You thought they wouldn't. You told me you had the support of the principal, and the vice principal, and the vice principal was coming to talk to your team. You told me you were taking the paper grade wide, and talking about possibly taking it school wide.

When I came back to school to give you your herbs, your teacher shared with me all the amazing things you had already shared with me. She told me she loves to research and had been fully supporting you by researching. She told me your team is doing 99% of the work, and the rest of them are supporting you. She told me you are working on publishing the paper today for the class, and possibly getting it online next week. As I sat in the hallway taping up math vocabulary words for Shawner's class, she stopped by me again on her way to make copies of the paper to hand out. She told me the school had a school camera you could use, after you told her your Dad has a $2000 camera he is willing to let you use, which he is. She told me high schools and middle schools typically have newspapers, but not elementary schools. She told me there was another elementary school that had a newspaper in our town, and that the city newspaper published it for them. She told me she is going to do research on their paper this weekend. I told her I was in awe.

More accurately, I am in shock and awe. I am speechless. I am in wonder. I so desperately want to make my fb status this: "Jaw dropped and trying to pick it up off the floor. I have raised a man, a leader, a volunteer, a team player. The things he (you) is doing leaves me in shock and awe. Literally." Justinbustin, if you are what happens when one has a child at 17, I would highly recommend every. single. person. have a child at 17. You are amazing. I am bowled over. I am speechless.

Did I forget to mention you have become part of the gifted and talented program? For some reason you had never been tested - I always thought you had been. This year I referred your for testing before school started, and last week you told me you might be in it. This week I stopped by your school to do Wednesday folders and you had a permission slip I needed to sign for the testing. I did, then stopped by the G&T office after to make sure you didn't need anything else from. The teacher told me you needed to pass the creativity test, which you already had with flying colors, and that you needed to have an IQ of 126 or above (not positive on that number) to pass the rest, which she was sure you would pass using one of their tests. She said you weren't feeling well, so if you didn't pass that you could do it another day. She told me she would send the paperwork home with you. You came home that afternoon with the paperwork, testing 97% for the tests you needed, and with a permission slip to join the program. You have been wanting to be a part of this program for a few years now and you are so happy you are now. The kids in your newspaper team are also in the program, and I am glad you will get to spend more time with them being inventive.

You have turned into a man before my very eyes. When I hug your shoulders, I feel the strong, broad shoulders of a man, not a boy. You are up to my lips, and soon you will be taller than me. I am cherishing these days I still don't have to lift my hand up to ruffle your hair, but am looking forward to each moment of you being the man you are and the man you are becoming. I love you.

Love,

Your Oh-So-Proud Mom

Dear Shawners,

This week you made your meerkat animal habitat presentation. You came home last week determined to start it and so excited to do meerkats, just like Justinbustin did in third grade. I saw your habitat in your classroom the other day. You had copied Justinbustin's idea of an underground display as well as an above ground display, but you had hand drawn examples of predators and prey along next to the pictures of the meerkats you printed, cut out, and stood up on your habitat. I am so sad I missed your presentation, and hope you will do one for Dad and I like you talked about.

Today, I came by your classroom to give you medicine. No one was there when I walked in, except for a little girl who told me that your class had put pictures of our town's college football team all over another teacher's classroom, a teacher who likes UCLA's college football team. The little girl said the teacher screamed when she saw it. She told me that the teacher had retaliated by writing remarks on the pictures and pasting them all over your classroom, but that your class hadn't seen it yet. I hung around until your class came back to see yours and their reaction. Your class came back and broke out into your own screams, and then quickly tore the pictures down. My face turned red from keeping the secret and laughing. What a fun camaraderie.

Shawners, your communication is insane. We record or write down SO. MANY. of your sayings. The blog I have for your sayings doesn't even capture it all. Yesterday, you told me you wanted me to read your journal, but that you had to warn me you had drawn a picture of a g*n in it and named it "airass". You left it on my night table for me to discover as I went to bed that evening. I read the journal stories last night to your Dad, and was able to alternate my vocals like a storybook. The story flowed just as you talk.

Your attitude toward school is night and day from last year. Your teacher is organized, kind, firm, but loving, supportive, and encouraging. Your class is the quietest class I have ever seen. You are given the information and then work in groups to discover more information, which was hard for you the first few weeks learning to work with a group. Now you work seamlessly with others, as does the rest of your class.

You have a best friend. I asked you if this person was all that we had talked about at the beginning of this year that a friend should be, after last year's disaster of friends and hurt feelings. I asked him if he was kind to everyone, not just you, and you said he is. I asked him if he was honest to everyone, not just you, and you said he is. I asked him if he helped others, not just you, and you said he does. You want me to set up a playdate with him, but I am confused about his family situation. You say he does not have a mother. You say there was a woman who had him like a mother, but doesn't have a mother. I asked you if he had two dads, and you said no, just no mother. This is where my social awkwardness comes in, and I don't know how to approach having a playdate, but only at our house. Perhaps I could join you on your playdate to his house until I trust the family. But that might be awkward. I'm not sure how to approach this subject, but I don't want to squelch your friendship by being awkward. I hope I do right by you, but we will see how it plays out.

You are playing flag football this season, and you were SO excited about your first game. You told me, "Mom, I forgot to tell you - that was AWESOME!!" with two big thumbs up and a grin. Your coach has twelve kids on a team and it is the first time he's ever coached. He has his hands full, but he is putting his all into it. He feels like he let you down the first game, but none of your team noticed. You all just had fun. He sent out six for your team to memorize before tomorrows game, but heck if I know what they mean. I showed one to you, and you said you know what it is, so I'm not worried about it.

Shawners, you make me smile and laugh. I love when you dance when the music comes on, and lately I've broken out into dance along with you, not caring who's watching. We sang together the other day as I showed you how I was learning to sing in tune to Hey Diddle Diddle while watching the baby I watch. I found it on the internet and sang it for you while you listened. For once, you didn't ask me to stop as you usually do as your naturally in tune ears quickly catch anything off tune. Yay for my voice lesson accomplishing the goal I went in with. Then, I asked you to sing it with me, and you said you it was hard for you to sing loud, so you sang it quietly in my ear with me.

You tell me I'm beautiful. Yesterday, I had my pajama tank top on and had just pulled on jeans for the day. You walked into the room and said, "Mom, you look beautiful." You are such a mini-your-dad with these compliments. You make them at the most random times, when I've just done my hair, just put on a new outfit, pulled up my hair, or just picked you up after you haven't seen me all day. Just like your dad, it seems you think out loud, as you say the comment instantly with seemingly no time for thought processing.

You are an amazing little man, and I love you.

Love,

Mom

Fun

Liking:

*Volunteering at a low-cost veterinarian clinic with KT and getting woozy (read: high) off the fine dust of dewormer, and not figuring it out until after I'd licked my shirt trying to get the taste off my mouth and stop my tongue from going numb. Yup, licked my shirt. It was hilarious with our non-stop giggling and off the wall comments: "My tongue is numb." "I have no thought processes." "I can't feel my legs." "Do you want to eat at Chipotle?" with a blank look and a "Suuuurrre." from KT in response.

*Seeing someone while I'm volunteering who was shocked that I'm 29 and being told she would've put me between 18-21

*Justinbustin and his two buddies developing a school newspaper with the support of their teachers and including all types of different sections, and recruiting. This deserves it's own post.

*Not wearing makeup for two weeks and feeling confident enough that I'll even go on dates with makeup. On top of that, getting comments like the above while not wearing makeup, and also, from Li, a shocked, "You're NOT wearing makeup?! Your skin is all one tone."

*How friendly the carpool line is at the boys' school.

*My motivation to clean, clean, clean and do, do, do after volunteering this week.

*Shawners doing his meerkat presentation at school yesterday.

*Girls night with KT and Ande for the first time this week with Jamaican Chicken with Mango Salsa and Brittney Spears' Glee

*Of course girls night with M, Li, and Ambs - and K & Herbie too!

*Discovering the magic that is Zilker park with a skyline view in the fall

Not liking:

*Still struggling with accepting aging. Fb photos do NOT help since I can see the difference from three years ago to today. I want to delete them so I'm not tempted to look at them, but they're my scrapbook, so I'm not sure how to delete them without taking them away. I have figured out it is studying that has worsened the texture of my forehead and line between my eyes. Yes, I'm a research fanatic (okay, freak), and yes, I have been researching my own photos. It got really bad in February - right after the start of my second semester. It lightened up in summer with no school. And it started to get bad again as I started school this semester. I have figured out I squint while reading. I read a lot - I figured 48 hours for one textbook, and I've lost count of how many I've read the last two semesters - at least three or four. That's a LOT of squinting. My poor face. So I am working on not squinting while I study. I also got Frownies to wear at night which seem to be helping. Not sure if they can reverse the damage though, and I wake up an hour before I get up to take them off lest the boys think I'm crazy. I'm fully aware I am - okay, maybe, not FULLY aware, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it at all.

*My lack of taking pictures lately. Brando got me a new (pink) camera, since my other one went to the shop and will cost more to repair than replace. This one is a Nikon, which I thought I would like, however I am NOT liking the quality of the sharpness. The pictures come out so grainy! I am looking forward to returning it and going back to Canon, crappy as it is that it burnt out (almost, literally) on my after just a year.

*Having the boys in school at a chemical plant. Still. Shawners has had weird things going on since, and I'm trying to stay unparanoid and attribute it to allergies which are REALLY bad this season for everybody, but he's never had things like this before - headaches, neck aches, leg aches. It's just weird. I would pull him out right NOW if it weren't for his teacher being so fabulous, and how well he is doing.

Oh, Blogging

Sweet, sweet blogging. Seriously has taken me through so much of life, why do I feel the need to abandon it now? No, I don't really feel the need to abandon it, but I don't feel the need to blog every. single. aspect. of my life or each new thing I do. There have been SO MANY exciting and new things I've done this summer and this fall, yet I'm keeping every detail to myself. While I believe it makes me cherish each moment a little more, I am still sad at the thought that they will pass by without being recorded to cherish later.

I had french toast and coffee with KT the other day (see? Priceless moment not recorded) and she was writing letters to her momma (another entire priceless continuing moment, yet to be recorded) while I studied and I thought about all the moments I have enjoyed every molecule out of, yet didn't record, partially on purpose. I told her I've journalled (blogging is still private for me at this moment) for the last five years and it's amazing to go back and see where I was at, and I thought about how little I have blogged lately and wondered if I will look back and wonder where this year went. Or if I will remember how very much I cherished it, that I couldn't even write about it.

180

My life has taken a 180 since last week. Last week, Shawners had headaches since school started, I had no job, I did not volunteer, and I was considering going to work full time and dropping out of the semester in order to do so.

This week, Shawners' headaches have been subdued with homeopathic allergen drops for mold allergies, I am working 10 hours a week at hopefully $20/hour at a job that works with my current schedule, and I am training to volunteer at a low-cost veterinarian clinic that serves the community by offering low-cost services and even free services to the homeless.

Also, I realized when Brando and I both realized separately one day last week that it might be better for me to work and not do school for awhile (mostly so we can work towards replacing our cars that need replaced), I had intended to drop school this semester to do it. I found out Brando had meant for me to finish the semester and work next semester. It's nice to have his support for me to keep going, even though I have little to no desire to do right now.

What's Wrong with Me? aka Brain Dump

*my insecurities, my everything I hold inside, except to Brando, everything that stresses me out, in one post*

My life has changed 180% since this time last year. It totally freaks me out. Everything basic is the same - Brando, the boys, and I, are still us. But everything is completely different. I look different. My frame of mind is different. The boys' school is different. My body is different. Some of my friends are the same, some are different. Goldilocks' life is completely different too, so is GFF's, and somehow that comforts me knowing that those girls I've gone through so much of life with are experiencing some of the same things, comforting me in not being alone, but it still freaks me out. I LIKEd me back then. Will I like me now? I spend so much time with Brando, and the boys nowadays. While I love that, am I neglecting myself? Will I turn around in six months and ask myself why didn't I take care of myself more? Why did I neglect my friends more than I used to? Why didn't I have a desire to go on the cousins' trip this year?

School is freaking me out. Every time I'm in school my brain goes to mush as far as desires to do other things. At the same time, am I blaming school for my lack of motivation? I'm discovering I tend to blame things on situations or others instead of fixing them.

Do I just need to get out more and stop giving excuses? I have no desire to hang with friends, go out at night, or party lately. I have no desire to take trips, except with Brando. Where is the desire I used to have to go out with friends, attend events, party, go out at night, and travel with girlfriends? Why don't I have that anymore? It makes me wonder, and scares me a bit, yet at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. Then at the exact same time it scares me if I'm going to wake up in a bit and go what the hell was I thinking not going out with my girlfriends? That part makes me want to force going out with my girls unnaturally (meaning almost against my will), to make sure I maintain my health. I had to force myself in the beginning, four or five years ago, to go out with the girls, but it was different then. Then, I WANTed to, but I was scared and fearful I wasn't good enough to. I got over that, realized I was good enough (meaning fun enough, silly enough, outgoing enough, and, yes, shallowly, pretty enough) and realized how good it was for me to go out and get something back, for me, in me, so I once again had something to give to my family.

Now I DON'T want to, but is it because I really don't want to, or am I once again scared I'm not good enough? I really don't think the latter is the case, because I wanted to I would go and paint the town red. Maybe a little drink or two to get me going, but I would do it. The funny thing is I don't even have a desire to drink lately. The headache and depressive mood the next day isn't even worth it to me. That's part of what makes me sit back and wonder though, am I just not doing it because of a lack of motivation?

Or, shallowly, do I feel I'm not pretty enough? I do feel like I'm aging. Do I feel like I look too old to go out anymore? I did get a facial and that made my face look amazing, at least the last few days and that may be part of what is making me face all these feelings. Maybe I have felt ugly these last few months, and that has caused me to crawl inside myself. Sad, if that's the case. Am I really that shallow? But on one hand, it may have nothing to do with being shallow. I finally figured out how to be a girl four or five years ago and have loved every single second of it. Now, I'm stuck wondering, is it gone so soon? Am I going to turn old and ugly and have it all be taken away from me? How can it be when I've only just discovered how to be a girl in the first place? I would be so darn sad. I love being a girly girl amongst all my boys. But if I look like an idiot doing so, I don't want to be embarrassed about being one. I have gained weight. Do I feel like I'm too fat to go out anymore? I've lost some of my rah-rah let's go party attitude. Do I feel like I'm not enthusiastic enough to go out anymore? Do all of these tie in together? Or is it, again, just the lack of motivation, and these are all insecure excuses?

After typing all this, I guess my bottom line question is, is this something I should still DESIRE to do, no matter my insecurities? Am I cutting myself short by not going out, even if it's something I don't want to do? Should I just get over it, and go out and do it, any way, and the confidence will come back once I've forced myself to go out? Will I wake up in six months without my girlfriends because I haven't gone and partied with them at night enough, or gone out to events enough? Am I putting more stress on myself by not spending enough time with them, just letting loose and not having people depending on me every second I'm out?

To go with that, am I doing the right thing by going to school? It has aged me. Bottom line. So has turning 29, I am sure, but going to school has definitely sped up the process. I have no goals with school. I want to be an engineer, but the investment time in school would take too much from my family. I want to be a teacher, but I'd feel like I'm settling for some assumed women's role. I want to design websites, but that could be a trade skill and wouldn't I have figured out how to do that on my own, and maybe my design or common sense with that isn't good enough to cut it in the real world. What the hell am I doing with school except adding more stress to our lives and going nowhere?

Oh the Posts I Have Not Written

SO much has gone on this summer - it has been one of my favorite summers yet. It's also been one of my least blogged about summers since I started blogging and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've been so busy enjoying it? Or maybe it's because I've been soaking up how much I'm enjoying it. Either way, hopefully, one day when it gets cold and I have too much time inside I will take the time to catch up.

Life is Like a Bowl of Cherries

Before the summer swings completely by, I wanted to document some of the things I really loved about this summer. The highlight of the summer was all the outdoor activities I did. From hiking, to paddle boarding, to kayaking, to sailboating, to natural springs, to biking, it definitely was a summer for outdoorsieness and I loved every second of it.

Another huge event this summer was Justinbustin's volunteerism and camps. He volunteered for the A*stin D*saster Reli*f Netw*rk, psychological crisis response training, vacation bible school, the children's ministry, in addition to going on two of his first week long camps - one with boy sc*uts which was seven hours away, the other with his youth group which was two hours away. He also went on his first tubing trip, and all by himself, too. Fifty middle-schoolers and three adults.

Shawners got two new pets this summer - I forget their names, but they are two newts. His collection is up to five now. He really wishes he had a different small dog, though, because Star Bear is a bit of an old lady, and is very submissive as she is a rescue dog which means she turns on her tummy anytime she doesn't want to do something. Submissive, or really smart, I guess - how can you get mad when she's on her tummy? It makes me kind of sad, but at the same time, she broke us in to having a small dog, so I could totally see getting another one. He has also revived his garden after it nearly died on our deck that gets full afternoon sunshine. We have moved it in front of the garage, and with healthy watering, it instantly revived into full bloom flowers and greenery. He has morning glory, a flowering plant that I'm not sure the name of, parsley, strawberries, a ground covering fern, and two new ones he planted that I have no idea of what they are yet. The parsley and the morning glory have been around for a few years now, which is exciting.

Brando continued his photography business over the summer as official photographer for the boy sc*ut troop, and did a few family and pregnancy shoots on the side. His b*nk got r*bbed this summer while he was there, and we spent an intimate night with his coworkers partying and celebrating life, especially as the r*bber sh*t himself afterwards. This was the first time Brando partied on S*xth Street and we had a blast. We went to Hula Hut, Shakespeare's, Rebel's, and Beso Cantina.

This summer I really have started to notice that I'm aging. The whole nearing 30 stage has really hit me and I'm struggling with acceptance. My hugest issue is my forehead. I feel like there is a dent from the hairline to the middle of my eyebrows that I hadn't ever noticed before. Part of me blames school and the stress it has brought, but part of me hopes school really isn't making me age worse. I've been obsessive about it.

Ten things I loved about this summer

*Kayaking with Li, KT, A, and Justinbustin

*Paddle boarding with Li and A

*Finally going to the Blue Hole in Wimberley with the family

*Renewing my vows in Cali

*Taking a road trip to Orange County with Brando

*Watching Justinbustin turn into a little man via volunteering

*Sailboating in the Monterey Bay

*Watching Shawners put on scuba gear and attempt to scuba at the M*nterey Bay Aquarium

*Having both of the boys surf and getting on their boards, then actually being able to watch Justinbustin

*My fantastic birthday which included boating and ATVing.

Response to a post

Comment to a post by Tolly, only it was too long to leave as a comment. She posted on the subject of feeling the need to document every. single. moment. in life and share it with the world via Twitter, Gowalla, her blog, etc:

Tolly, I hear you. Even when I'm not blogging, I'm busy facebooking my life or otherwise making my life known. When i go on vacation, I really do unplug from it all, and then when I get back people think I'm still on vacation from all the pictures I post! I would like to get that way in real life - even if only for a day, or a week, but, unfortunately, I get caught up into being plugged into at least ONE outlet. It's interesting I'm reading this just now, because I decided today to try and stop my constant checking online of any social media. I restricted access on my iphone to my browser, facebook app, and app store from my iphone, and guess what I haven't used any of them all day, except to look up types of birds and fowls for the boys. And read blogs. Which I haven't done in depth (as in actually think about responding and leaving comments) in a reallllly long time since I've been too busy checking other forms of social media in my spare moments.

Today

So many fantastic things happened today. I definitely want to remember them:

*Gave my first speech of my Public Speaking speech class and was shaking like a leaf. However, two of my peers came up to me after class and thanked me for what I said on love. Loved that!

*Met up with KT to get both her's and my car washed. Too fun!

*When I picked up the boys from school today the lady who says the kids name in the pick up lane already knew their name and then said it was the first one of the year she memorized. I cheered for her :) (and the fact that we were the first name she memorized).

*Justinbustin's teacher is the one who walks the boys to the car and she told me today through the car window that she read some of Justinbustin's writing today and then put her hand over her heart and made a "oh that's precious" face. At first, I didn't understand, then I said, "Yeah, his writing can be touching." Justinbustin later said it was because of the scrolly fancy way he writes his letters, but I don't think she would put her hand over her heart for that.

*Shawners gets in the cars and says, "You look sexy." when I'm in jeans and a tank top. He's a little mini-Brando.

*Received my financial aid check for school in the mail today.

*Received our vow renewal pictures in the mail today!

*Ice Cream S*cial for b*y sc*uts tonight

Sick to my stomach

Between Brando's b*nk being r*bbed this weekend and him having a g*n to his chest, and Justinbustin going off to camp this morning I am a wreck. I miss Justinbustin and while Brando is assuring me he's having a blast at camp, personally I have never been to one so I have NO idea what he's doing. With boy sc*uts at least I knew he was doing "man" stuff. This camp I have NOOO clue. I'm a little sick with worry and missing him.

I love...

*going boating, ATVing, to Blue Hole, paddle boarding, Sculpture Falls, to Cheesecake Factory, to see Eclipse, and to Mandola's Italian Market for and around my birthday

*my fun birthday gifts from girlfriends who know me so well - three dresses which I've been dying for cute, fun dresses this summer, lots of perfectly me jewelry with big earrings, long necklaces, and gold hoops which I've so needed, chocolate, and a bathing suit

*my birthday gifts from my sons of chocolate, flowers, and a Hoops & YoYo stuffed creature with stuffed letter blocks that spell out N-I-C-E attached to it that says, "You're so nice. In the dictionary under nice, there's a picture of you! Isn't that great?"

*my birthday gift from my hubby of a massage which I can't wait to take him up on and enjoy a nice, long romantic dinner at the Driskill afterwards

*my oldest son going off to camp for a week and coming home with only a black eye and no broken bones

*my oldest calling me after hospital visit for said incident and interrupting his spiel about camp to ask me, "Mom, can we get a ranch with lots of horses? Or at least four, one for each of us."

*my youngest spending two days and nights with his Auntie Wyn and having her text me what a good job I'm doing with him, and how encouraging he is and how he must've gotten that from somewhere. And hearing his voicemail talking about how he's letting me know he's spending another night and he's sweeping the shop and earning coins from different countries and he loves me and he hopes daddy has a good day doing work stuff

*going to women's leadership meetings and sitting back and absorbing the impact of amazing women who seek to make a difference and who have already made who knows how much difference in countless lives

*being able to celebrate Goldilocks' 30th with her

*seeing good friends and being able to see their faces for a few hours

*good friends to have brunch and coffee with

*taking Shawners to pottery class

*having summer home with my boys

*watching my oldest volunteer with toddlers at church

*my amazing, sexy hubby who brings me chocolate, tells me how beautiful I am, and loves going on dates with me because it makes me feel loved and happy

*girls night with amazing dinners and even better company

*the comfort level of talking to my sister by being on the phone with her while we both go about our business - mine of reading blogs, and hers of organizing the garage

*showers in the afternoon

*thunderstorms while getting ready for the evening

Eat, Pray, Love

Oh so excited!! I got chills watching this.

Oh housewife mode, how I love and hate you

Because I'm too lazy to make this four different posts, I will just give it four different titles:

Dealing with Kids

The boys' summer started two weeks ago, but after non-stop volunteering, VBS, and training the last two weeks, it didn't REALLY start until this Monday. Yesterday was spent with me COMPLETELY exasperated at their arguing and antics even while having lunch with a friend, and pleading for help from my sister who gave me the following advice:

Methods for Dealing with Later Elementary and Middle School Age Kids, Specifically Boys

Consequences:

Pushups (10 for Shawners, 20 for Justinbustin) - pull over and have them get out and do if need be

Holding hands

10 Things I appreciate about you (can't do anything until you state those 10 things to the other person)

Rewards:

Pool at end of day

Movie night at end of day

Store

Treat (once a day) when they've been good and we are getting one any way

Volunteer opportunities:

Church - call for specific jobs

I already used the pulling over to have them do pushups (oh so good for getting the energy out of boys), movie night at the end of day (if they were good the rest of the day and SHOCKINGLY they were - even after a morning of pulling my hair out and making me want to scream fighting). Today the goal is being good til' 5pm with the goal of having a movie night. We've already biked to the business center and played two games of pool. They've built a fort in their room. We have four and a half hours left.

On Being a Housewife

As far as the housewife mode, this is the extent of Brando's and my texts to each other this morning:

Me: Falling into depression because I have nothing going on this week. I'm so predictable.

Him: Then go do something. Ride bikes, go to a park, walk town lake with the boys.

Me: Too much work, too hot, and too dirty.

Him: Clean the house, do laundry, clean the boys room.

Me: Too demeaning, too boring, and too many fights.

Him: Research how to market photography on social networks, research how to buy investment real-estate commercial or residential. Figure what you want to do with school.

Me: Hmmm, interesting, lots of work but fun if I can keep it organized, and getting there.

Him: I'm insulted that you find caring for our living space demeaning by the way.

Me: I'm insulted that is all I'm good for.

Him: It's not.

Me: It's the second assumed thing that I'm good for.

Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert Book Review and Thoughts

So yeah. I've been reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert and just finished it today. I LOVED it, absolutely loved it. Gilbert fully explored all my own confusions and hangups about marriage and family life by exploring her own confusions and hangups, researching them, interviewing people about them, poring over studies (or more correctly, a study) about them, and drawing her own conclusions. The ending was a neat and tidy, almost quick, wrap up, but after her thorough exploration of all of her confusions it was exactly what was needed. I'm still wrapping my brain around her conclusion myself, but it may have just been the conclusion I needed to quell my own misgivings about this institution of marriage. Maybe marriage, the union of two beings, is something WE created, not the church, the state, the country, or society created, as Gilbert realizes in the end (leading up to this, you would never see this coming, so sorry if I spoiled the ending for you, but honestly, I think knowing that would've helped my own snarky attitude toward my marriage as I read through the book).

I miss everything about you

Like a bird in the sky may we all have wings, as KT's mother has.

KT's mom passed away last week. Her memorial was today. It was a long night o volunteering for the boys when I got the call she had gone into cardiac arrest. The immediate shock left me speechless and KT cut her breakdown short and told herself it would be ok. After a few days of texts I got the message she hadn't made it. I called KT and heard her tears trying not to break down myself. Because then KT would comfort me. That's who she is. A blur of calls, texts, and a week later was her memorial. That was today.

The strength of her family struck me - her two sisters, her, and her dad. Even though each one was falling apart inside, they stood strong for each other, alternately holding each other through their breakdowns. The strength and the grace they have amazes me. I sat down next to KT on the front pew and held her hand and let my tears mingle with theirs.

I don't know if I've ever felt this way before. I was young when my grandpa died and we'd never been close. I would lose my marbles if my mom died. KT's mom dying was like part of my own family. I felt her pain. My reaction was to want to curl up on the floor of the church and cry. I told KT this and she said she would've joined me.

With the stress of volunteer and training this week and going thru this with KT as much as I can the days have run into nights. Ask me when and I don't know. Put me in the drivers seat and I'll get lost. I see her smile everywhere. As I told KT, I see her dancing, all of her physical pain gone. Years of pain released as she dances.

Next week KT and I will go to stbucks and the pool. We will sit and just be and enjoy the water as it flows around us. And laugh, like we always do. Like we did today. To see the humor in life even with the pain. Like KT and her sisters do, cause they are a ball of laughter together, even with the pain.
The only possible good I see coming out of this is KT's determination to live her life as an honor to her mom. She is already strong, now she is determined to be even stronger and see the world as her mother saw it. As a "gentle warrior" as her father called his wife, and he the protector.

Wow. Amazing. Mind Blowing.

*The boys and I have volunteered the last week for a disaster relief training. It has been a gamut of intensely useful information, eye opening experiences, and awe in the capabilities of my children.

*Summer has been mind-blowingly fast, furious, and incredible, between volunteering, training, and VBSs.

*Justinb, as part of volunteering, fixed a computer technical problem on stage during and for a power point presentation when two other adults couldn't. I was floored.

*Justinb, Shawners, and I, all got to participate as actors in a disaster simulation designed to train rescue teams complete with dark rooms filled with smoke and debris. I alternated between the unconscious one who needed a chin lift to breathe again, finding my dead friend and not wanting to leave her body, and being traumatized. What an incredible learning experience. Justinb and Shawners started off together with a timber on Justinb. Unfortunately one of the rescuers DROPPED the 2x4 on him and he was out for the count with a big goose egg. Poor guy. Shawners took a break, but came back to be unconscious with me (the first time no rescuers found us and left us in the destroyed building!!), then wondered around confused with another actor. Incredible, incredible learning experience, and I can't wait to go through the training myself!

*My sister is an incredible motivator. As her friend puts it, children need roots and wings. My sister is incredible at giving them wings. I have totally placed their volunteer desires in her hands and she gives them responsibilities I would never dream they were capable of. And they take it and run with it and do better than an adult would with it!! It floors me.

*Since Justinb is hitting middle school, I have turned into a chauffeur. What a different role than Mommy who makes every decision and plan. Now he makes the plans, I agree, and I get him to where he needs to go to make his own decisions. We're still figuring out the issue of still needing to respect Mom and Dad even with all this independence. He's aware of it so that's a start.

*My email addy is changing so I am going through the much needed done any way job of culling Brando's old contacts and emailing my current contacts with my new address. Needed, but mind-numbing, especially because it's taken two hour and I still have contacts to email. I can only email so many at a time. I wish I had more brain power to write this post, but I got to what I want to remember.

Something I find interesting about my kids growing up...

And something "they" don't tell you.

They grow into little people who have their own ideas, thoughts, and opinions.

Yes, of course they have these when they are little, along with a bundle of personality to boot. But they don't exert them, and it's easier for you to control what where and how you do what you and they do. Plus their fascination is on overload so ANY exciting thing you do they are immediately fascinated with - bug festivals, dragon boat races, sprinkler parks, batman festivals, doesn't really matter what it is as long as it involves going to do it.

When they are older they all of a sudden get opinionated... one is interested in technology and engineering, the other in plants and animals, or whatever their interests. All of a sudden dragon boat races hold no allure - they're not specializing in canoeing after all, they've grown out of batman festivals, bug festivals hold no long term interest - they know it's not something they are going to do with their lives - and the things they are truly interested in are the only things that hold allure anymore.

They stop doing things WITH you. This is especially true with boys - with girls there is always shopping, girl talk, and girl movies. They start doing things independently of you.

At the same time, they also become your army of men. They open doors for you, give you afternoon hugs, ask what they can do to help around the house.

But it's not the same.

They no longer hold that young fascination, and instead are working on the challenges of cultivating their passions, discovering how to be mature, experimenting with service, and figuring how to be a grown up.

Shawners is still in the fascination stage a teensy bit, but he's getting there. I can still point out neat things that has nothing to do with his passions and he'll be interested, and curious.

Justinbustin is there. He knows what his interests are in school, sports, and extra-curricular activities, he's working ever so hard on opening that door without being reminded and manly sucking it up when he's not pleased with a situation, he wants to volunteer for VBS this summer, his Sunday School class graduated into the youth group and along with thirty other kids welcomed the middle school era along with a summer of relay races, pool parties, service opportunities, and summer camps, and he's oh so concentrated on doing the best that he can with the responsibility we give him in order for us to give him more.

It's amazing. Scary. A little too much at once. But needed. And I am so glad he is going through it now instead of wallowing in being a child. I say I'm glad but every time I think about him maturing so much it hits me like a brick wall. And then I smile and say, it was going to happen one day, I'm glad it's happening now.