Oh, Blogging

Sweet, sweet blogging. Seriously has taken me through so much of life, why do I feel the need to abandon it now? No, I don't really feel the need to abandon it, but I don't feel the need to blog every. single. aspect. of my life or each new thing I do. There have been SO MANY exciting and new things I've done this summer and this fall, yet I'm keeping every detail to myself. While I believe it makes me cherish each moment a little more, I am still sad at the thought that they will pass by without being recorded to cherish later.

I had french toast and coffee with KT the other day (see? Priceless moment not recorded) and she was writing letters to her momma (another entire priceless continuing moment, yet to be recorded) while I studied and I thought about all the moments I have enjoyed every molecule out of, yet didn't record, partially on purpose. I told her I've journalled (blogging is still private for me at this moment) for the last five years and it's amazing to go back and see where I was at, and I thought about how little I have blogged lately and wondered if I will look back and wonder where this year went. Or if I will remember how very much I cherished it, that I couldn't even write about it.

180

My life has taken a 180 since last week. Last week, Shawners had headaches since school started, I had no job, I did not volunteer, and I was considering going to work full time and dropping out of the semester in order to do so.

This week, Shawners' headaches have been subdued with homeopathic allergen drops for mold allergies, I am working 10 hours a week at hopefully $20/hour at a job that works with my current schedule, and I am training to volunteer at a low-cost veterinarian clinic that serves the community by offering low-cost services and even free services to the homeless.

Also, I realized when Brando and I both realized separately one day last week that it might be better for me to work and not do school for awhile (mostly so we can work towards replacing our cars that need replaced), I had intended to drop school this semester to do it. I found out Brando had meant for me to finish the semester and work next semester. It's nice to have his support for me to keep going, even though I have little to no desire to do right now.

What's Wrong with Me? aka Brain Dump

*my insecurities, my everything I hold inside, except to Brando, everything that stresses me out, in one post*

My life has changed 180% since this time last year. It totally freaks me out. Everything basic is the same - Brando, the boys, and I, are still us. But everything is completely different. I look different. My frame of mind is different. The boys' school is different. My body is different. Some of my friends are the same, some are different. Goldilocks' life is completely different too, so is GFF's, and somehow that comforts me knowing that those girls I've gone through so much of life with are experiencing some of the same things, comforting me in not being alone, but it still freaks me out. I LIKEd me back then. Will I like me now? I spend so much time with Brando, and the boys nowadays. While I love that, am I neglecting myself? Will I turn around in six months and ask myself why didn't I take care of myself more? Why did I neglect my friends more than I used to? Why didn't I have a desire to go on the cousins' trip this year?

School is freaking me out. Every time I'm in school my brain goes to mush as far as desires to do other things. At the same time, am I blaming school for my lack of motivation? I'm discovering I tend to blame things on situations or others instead of fixing them.

Do I just need to get out more and stop giving excuses? I have no desire to hang with friends, go out at night, or party lately. I have no desire to take trips, except with Brando. Where is the desire I used to have to go out with friends, attend events, party, go out at night, and travel with girlfriends? Why don't I have that anymore? It makes me wonder, and scares me a bit, yet at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. Then at the exact same time it scares me if I'm going to wake up in a bit and go what the hell was I thinking not going out with my girlfriends? That part makes me want to force going out with my girls unnaturally (meaning almost against my will), to make sure I maintain my health. I had to force myself in the beginning, four or five years ago, to go out with the girls, but it was different then. Then, I WANTed to, but I was scared and fearful I wasn't good enough to. I got over that, realized I was good enough (meaning fun enough, silly enough, outgoing enough, and, yes, shallowly, pretty enough) and realized how good it was for me to go out and get something back, for me, in me, so I once again had something to give to my family.

Now I DON'T want to, but is it because I really don't want to, or am I once again scared I'm not good enough? I really don't think the latter is the case, because I wanted to I would go and paint the town red. Maybe a little drink or two to get me going, but I would do it. The funny thing is I don't even have a desire to drink lately. The headache and depressive mood the next day isn't even worth it to me. That's part of what makes me sit back and wonder though, am I just not doing it because of a lack of motivation?

Or, shallowly, do I feel I'm not pretty enough? I do feel like I'm aging. Do I feel like I look too old to go out anymore? I did get a facial and that made my face look amazing, at least the last few days and that may be part of what is making me face all these feelings. Maybe I have felt ugly these last few months, and that has caused me to crawl inside myself. Sad, if that's the case. Am I really that shallow? But on one hand, it may have nothing to do with being shallow. I finally figured out how to be a girl four or five years ago and have loved every single second of it. Now, I'm stuck wondering, is it gone so soon? Am I going to turn old and ugly and have it all be taken away from me? How can it be when I've only just discovered how to be a girl in the first place? I would be so darn sad. I love being a girly girl amongst all my boys. But if I look like an idiot doing so, I don't want to be embarrassed about being one. I have gained weight. Do I feel like I'm too fat to go out anymore? I've lost some of my rah-rah let's go party attitude. Do I feel like I'm not enthusiastic enough to go out anymore? Do all of these tie in together? Or is it, again, just the lack of motivation, and these are all insecure excuses?

After typing all this, I guess my bottom line question is, is this something I should still DESIRE to do, no matter my insecurities? Am I cutting myself short by not going out, even if it's something I don't want to do? Should I just get over it, and go out and do it, any way, and the confidence will come back once I've forced myself to go out? Will I wake up in six months without my girlfriends because I haven't gone and partied with them at night enough, or gone out to events enough? Am I putting more stress on myself by not spending enough time with them, just letting loose and not having people depending on me every second I'm out?

To go with that, am I doing the right thing by going to school? It has aged me. Bottom line. So has turning 29, I am sure, but going to school has definitely sped up the process. I have no goals with school. I want to be an engineer, but the investment time in school would take too much from my family. I want to be a teacher, but I'd feel like I'm settling for some assumed women's role. I want to design websites, but that could be a trade skill and wouldn't I have figured out how to do that on my own, and maybe my design or common sense with that isn't good enough to cut it in the real world. What the hell am I doing with school except adding more stress to our lives and going nowhere?

Oh the Posts I Have Not Written

SO much has gone on this summer - it has been one of my favorite summers yet. It's also been one of my least blogged about summers since I started blogging and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've been so busy enjoying it? Or maybe it's because I've been soaking up how much I'm enjoying it. Either way, hopefully, one day when it gets cold and I have too much time inside I will take the time to catch up.

Life is Like a Bowl of Cherries

Before the summer swings completely by, I wanted to document some of the things I really loved about this summer. The highlight of the summer was all the outdoor activities I did. From hiking, to paddle boarding, to kayaking, to sailboating, to natural springs, to biking, it definitely was a summer for outdoorsieness and I loved every second of it.

Another huge event this summer was Justinbustin's volunteerism and camps. He volunteered for the A*stin D*saster Reli*f Netw*rk, psychological crisis response training, vacation bible school, the children's ministry, in addition to going on two of his first week long camps - one with boy sc*uts which was seven hours away, the other with his youth group which was two hours away. He also went on his first tubing trip, and all by himself, too. Fifty middle-schoolers and three adults.

Shawners got two new pets this summer - I forget their names, but they are two newts. His collection is up to five now. He really wishes he had a different small dog, though, because Star Bear is a bit of an old lady, and is very submissive as she is a rescue dog which means she turns on her tummy anytime she doesn't want to do something. Submissive, or really smart, I guess - how can you get mad when she's on her tummy? It makes me kind of sad, but at the same time, she broke us in to having a small dog, so I could totally see getting another one. He has also revived his garden after it nearly died on our deck that gets full afternoon sunshine. We have moved it in front of the garage, and with healthy watering, it instantly revived into full bloom flowers and greenery. He has morning glory, a flowering plant that I'm not sure the name of, parsley, strawberries, a ground covering fern, and two new ones he planted that I have no idea of what they are yet. The parsley and the morning glory have been around for a few years now, which is exciting.

Brando continued his photography business over the summer as official photographer for the boy sc*ut troop, and did a few family and pregnancy shoots on the side. His b*nk got r*bbed this summer while he was there, and we spent an intimate night with his coworkers partying and celebrating life, especially as the r*bber sh*t himself afterwards. This was the first time Brando partied on S*xth Street and we had a blast. We went to Hula Hut, Shakespeare's, Rebel's, and Beso Cantina.

This summer I really have started to notice that I'm aging. The whole nearing 30 stage has really hit me and I'm struggling with acceptance. My hugest issue is my forehead. I feel like there is a dent from the hairline to the middle of my eyebrows that I hadn't ever noticed before. Part of me blames school and the stress it has brought, but part of me hopes school really isn't making me age worse. I've been obsessive about it.

Ten things I loved about this summer

*Kayaking with Li, KT, A, and Justinbustin

*Paddle boarding with Li and A

*Finally going to the Blue Hole in Wimberley with the family

*Renewing my vows in Cali

*Taking a road trip to Orange County with Brando

*Watching Justinbustin turn into a little man via volunteering

*Sailboating in the Monterey Bay

*Watching Shawners put on scuba gear and attempt to scuba at the M*nterey Bay Aquarium

*Having both of the boys surf and getting on their boards, then actually being able to watch Justinbustin

*My fantastic birthday which included boating and ATVing.