*Major PMS today.

*Not sure how I feel now easing back into being able to text KT again. Realized she depends on me a lot for venting and not sure I have the energy for it. The nice thing I realize is that she is always there for me whenever I have a vent. Rare, but still, when the vents are there, they are there. I realize this may sound super bitchy, but I don't care. I'm realizing I only have certain amounts of emotional energy to allot, and I already have four slots taken up 24/7, that doesn't leave a whole lot left over for others who need it.

*Attempted a mid-week date night tonight. Fail. We were both WAY too hungry and didn't have time to talk about our days first before we took being hungry out on being snipey with each other. Ended up at P. Terry's because the soft opening of the restaurant we went to was way too crowded. Makes me laugh.

*Brando's cousin died today in a motorcycle accident. He was younger than Brando. Information I didn't hear from Brando until after said snipiness on both our parts.

Torn

Disclaimer: This is a totally rambling, jumbled thoughts post. Not meant for much except to get my thoughts out.

Photos.

They make everything seem happy.

Long ago I told myself I would not take photos when the moments weren't truly happy, so that I wouldn't look back on them and think that moment was happy when it was truly ugly.

So, yes, all my photos depict happy moments.

BUT I feel like they depict a perfect life to other people.

I can't stand liars. They are the one person I will immediately put my guard up with because if you're lying to someone else, what's to keep you from lying to me?

I feel like I am lying to people when I put up my photos that a lot of people think depicts a perfect life.

You don't know my struggles (well, you do, because you're here, lol, but I'm talking about them).

You don't know what it took for us to get out of the house that day in a good mood, riding all the bumps on the way.

You don't know that I don't shop like you might.

You don't know that I struggle with staying home because I feel like I don't have the energy to work and keep my relationship and still be a good parent.

You don't know that this wasn't some magical moment, but a moment caught on the side of an apartment building for fifteen minutes after we just ate lunch at our favorite inexpensive In N Out like burger place in town.

Yet somehow making the photos is magical and perfect.

Taking them when we are happy makes them magical and perfect.

It doesn't matter if it's a quick run out to the pool, or a five minute run through the arboretum, or a fancy event where I get to dress up.

Taking them when we are happy makes them magical and perfect.

I struggle with this lately.

Lately, it's a struggle to take photos at all.

I haven't figured out if it's a result of the above - a) not wanting people to think my life is magically perfect, or if, on the other hand, b) it's a struggle to have those happy moments to take photos in.

I really think a is causing b.

c) I don't put effort into it anymore because I realize people will just think everything in life is just hunky dory, including myself.

That's the funny part. Including myself.

d) Instead of working on things to actually make our life better and progress, I am happy with these photos as a sign that things are progressing.

So maybe a and c (as a result of d) are causing b.

Ha, I'm totally working my thoughts out here on paper. Because I really WANT to take photos like that again.

But I don't want d to happen, and I don't want a to happen. Even though I realize (or am beginning to, because really I don't fully realize it) I have no control over a.

Part of the reason I don't want a to happen is because people treat me differently.

They gush over me.

They don't give me room to vent my heartaches or be 'normal' around them.

They don't ask me questions.

They just assume everything is perfect in my life.

And now I'm realizing so much of this is coming from that darn hurtful relationship that fell apart a year or two ago now.

GAH. Just when I think I'm over it, it comes back and slaps me in the face by messing with EVERYthing in my head.

Maybe we're all guilty of a, but this person was the one who treated me differently. This is the one who assumed everything was perfect in my life and held it against me.

Funny it took this much of writing to get to this.

Regardless, this is the way it is right now. So maybe I should just ignore the fact that it's related to her and go back to moving forward with where my thoughts are now.

Yes, I think that is wise.

'Cause really maybe it really doesn't have much to do with her at all,  with only that situation intensifying my thoughts, like here. 

I think that I will talk to Brando about all this and see what he thinks about moving forward. And even see where he is at with photography any more.

Warning! More rambling realizations coming on.
Okay, just went back through all my old posts (this is why I LOVE having a blog) and noticed I started taking a downturn around June of last year. This makes me realize I've been through a lot this last year. Both Brando and I losing our childhood homes (this post about my MIL moving literally leads the turning point of happy, carefree me you can tell by my tone to depressed, dark, what the f*ck is happening me in all my posts), me turning 30 (this probably affects me more than I'll admit), my back issues for four months out of the year last year, a shift of focus from my girlfriends to my husband (this one isn't necessarily hard, I'm not sure what it is and will probably have another rambling post about that one soon). My entire life as I know it in California has changed, and while we spent a week last August adjusting to the new changes and creating WONDERFUL new memories, I think I am realizing I am still mourning that old life, the one I was familiar and comfortable with. And, unlike my life here, I can't rent out the house I just bought and hate and move back to my old comfort spot. Those lives aren't mine and I can't control where they live or what they do, not that I can always control mine. Holy sh*t, I can't believe I didn't recognize how much her moving, and then my parents moving afterwards has affected me. Actually, I can. I covered it up, and was 'strong' for them so my actions wouldn't change what they needed to do for themselves (my Mom actually told me, if you and Brando plan on moving back here next year [now this year] we need to keep this place so you guys have somewhere to stay) and I told her don't change your plans on account of us. Only, I kind of wish she did. 'Cuz then I'd have a home to go back to. Brando's Mom's place is slowly becoming home, but we have only had a week of memories there. I can't wait to create more memories there, and it won't necessarily be this time, because we will be visiting my parents then off to Tahoe for four or so days where we will create amazing memories there.

I miss home. Our homes. And I can't believe how it's affected me (although, I should, seeing as how much our move to Leander through me for a loop. At least I was honest about that one, so I realized what was happening, even though I didn't want to admit it).


I almost don't want to post this, but I do for my own sake of realizing what is going on in my head with me.

How cute is this?!

Brando posted a few posts on our much neglected mutual blog. It was showing up as the most recently updated blog in my dashboard, and I was like what the heck post did I accidentally publish there?! Then, I discovered this and this. So cute.

KT Bug

KT is hoooommmeeeeee!! Somehow I have managed to live without our constant texting this past week while she's been in Mehico. Y'all, this is going to sound so strange, but it was a totally different life. I actually had to learn how to live differently and rely on myself for my own venting, thoughts, and actions. This kinda showed me that maybe I rely a little *too* much on her. Not in a bad way, just in a I need to get my own act together sort of way.

Update: As I'm going to text her... I realized this is the attitude I had - after the first few days of missing her I had to suck it up and then this last weekend I had more of a get shit done attitude than think about it too much.

Still contemplating on whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, or as KT would say, just is.

What a Crazy Weekend

So many things have happened.

*Justinbustin had a youth group weekend retreat

*Shawners had soccer skills day yesteday

*Brando and I went downtown for the first time in forever

*Brando and I had delicious irish car bombs, met some new friends, avoided a parking ticket, got bought free drinks (love that I can make that happen even when it's not just me ;), and...

Here's where the weekend started to get crazy:

*We get a call from Justinbustin who isn't feeling well

*On the way to pick him up we realize Brando left his phone on top of the car (dumb move, he knows) and it flew off when we rounded a corner downtown

*As we were already halfway to Justin, we went ahead and picked him up, the drove back to get the phone while he's puking from exhaustion in the back seat.

*The phone was there and worked, but the LCD and glass was completely cracked as it had been run over multiple times

*Today Brando gets a replacement for a LOT less than he anticipated as part of the replacement plan, plus a new two year insurance on it

*As we leave the apple store and head to lunch, we get an email saying two of the kids had lice at the youth retreat

*I tell Brando with Justinbustin's bike being stolen last week, KT's just bought mall items being stolen at the mall last week, and Brando's phone this week, maybe those were the three

*I call to find out who had lice, turns out it was Justinbustin's one good friend

*We buy lice treatment and treat Justinbustin's head which had tons of nits all behind the ears

*Ugh.

*Wash everything in hot water. Rinse. Repeat.

*Second treatment of Justinbustin's hair showed no nits. We will see this afternoon when he gets home from school today.

*After all that, we managed to clean the house and sit down and watch the Oscars. Though, I was a crazy raging b*tch from after effects. Somehow subconsciously I knew I couldn't handle ANYthing with the kids. I'd mentally give up because I knew I'd go into crazy mode and tell Brando to take care of whatever it was because it wasn't going to happen with me.

Knee

Headed to the doctor's here in a minute. My knee is still hurting from when I fell rock climbing while attempting a too hard course on my first try. Smart, R. I've been icing it every night for the last three nights as it's been throbbing at the end of the day. Crossing fingers nothing is broken and crossing fingers it will not be hurting for when we go skiing/boarding.

This has really got me thinking my muscles may be really weak, as much as the girls told me, "you've got some guns on you", I'm thinking maybe they need to be a little more than what just happens. I'm going to ask the doctor today and see why the hell I keep injuring myself within five minutes of trying something new.

Another aspect might be, I never really learned form or about my body or different ways that are smart to stretch, etc. I often forget that stretching is even necessary!! Not that any of that keeps people from injuring themselves, but I imagine every little bit helps. Right?

Grrr.

Oh, yeah, and I'm willing to try anything new, but maybe I should work myself up to it more. Even rock climbing?! Or maybe just starting on the easy course... grrr. Again.

My bestie

Not a good week and not a good day. I miss my bestie like mad and have been having panic attacks all weekend long since she left on vacation Saturday morning. Normally I'd be fine but she's in Mexico and can't text all day like we normally do. I facebooked her but she hasn't signed on except to her boyfriends account and left me a sweet message that made me smile and feel better. I'm glad she hasn't received my message because she doesn't need to be concerned about me right now. I realize she's having a BLAST and I can't wait to hear every tiny detail. I also am realizing I may be a little too dependent on friends in my daily life.

Last night at girls night the girls were wondering why I don't have panic attacks when they're gone and this morning I realized I do. Part of the reason we moved back here was because of my panic attacks being away from M and Li - KT too as she lives across the street.

The funny thing is KT would be SO PISSED that the girls were just wondering about themselves and not concerned about me and while I'm totally fine with it because the last thing I want is a pity party but I LOVE that she always has my back. Period. No questions asked. She'll be offended for me even if I'm not. Which is great because sometimes I can be ok with people (not my girlfriends) making crappy comments and need to realize those things aren't ok. My freaking goodness I miss being able to text her a bazillion times throughout the day. Can not WAIT for her to get back!!

Update: Spoke to my sister and felt a little better. Forgot I have my sister that I talk with daily as well :) . She's been so busy starting her hairdressing business (which is going AMAZING - she's been doing this for two years including school and it's starting to snowball!) that I haven't talked to her as much lately.

UGH

Sometimes, I feel like Brando will never be able to start a business with me by his side. I get SO IRRITATED when he starts. First, he's all for it and just wants to DO IT. But he wants to ask his mom for funding and so I encouraged him to write his business plan. Now he's been writing the business plan for the last four days and I'm like get over it already DO IT. Fuck, I want everything to work on MY SCHEDULE and that will NEVER happen. My level of irritation goes SKY HIGH when things don't work on my schedule though and I honestly don't know how to calm it down without taking it out on everyone around me by snapping at them.

I suppose I just need to mildly suggest he be done already and get crackin'. If he takes it, fine, if not, fine, but at least I'll have made my suggestion.

Yes, I think that's what would be good.

The other thing is, I'm not necessarily a 'do' person. I can be, but naturally I'm not. He is. I feel like I hold him back in this regard because I have too many cautions, too many what ifs, too many warnings, when really nothing will be accomplished if you don't get to those what ifs on your own.

Sunday fun day

Dinner on the patio under the gas heaters at Cheesecake Factory with hot tea, pear, gorgonzola, and arugula flatbread, and my fav fried zucchini.

This is the man I married

Brando is working on his business plan and I'm ready for bed. So over the last ten minutes I've texted him these. His response? "I'll be right there, cuteamiss." I had to add the last one after a bit of a delay (okay, two minutes, I'm impatient and tired ;) .

Sorry, random thoughts aren't going away. The only cohesive posts I have seem to be on PSD these days.

*Love my coffee cup from Whole Foods M got me for Christmas. It feels like Valentine's every day I drink out of it (mine is the red roses, of course)!

*What about talking to my Dad keeps me from wanting to work? AGHHHH. He's SO motivating to talk to full of crazy ideas just like me, only he actually makes them happen, or gets other people to make them happen. And after a few minutes of crazy inspiration, I curl up in my shell and don't want to do a thing. Literally. At all. At all. At all.

*A little bit of sugar in my coffee keeps me from feeling insatiably thirsty for more coffee. More satisfying, maybe.

*There goes my work phone. Which reminds me, there's a sweet call I HAVE to return today whether I like it or not.

*Brando has half the day off. Can't wait for him to be home!!

*All, I had an AMAAAAZING Valentine's. Please skip this if you don't want to read about it :) . But I've been thinking about it and I have to write it down so I remember it. I think part of it was that I was only expecting a low-key day because our lives have been so busy lately so I was blown away by what Brando actually did and all the thought he put into it. He pulled out the whole nine yards for me. He woke me up with flowers and a card on my bed, even though as I was getting dressed to take Shawner's to school I didn't even notice them sitting there for ten minutes!! I finally noticed him staring at me strangely and saw them out of the corner of my eye. So freaking sweet.

He had the day off and spent it helping out in the classrooms at Justinbustin's school (what a man!!). When he got home, he took me to get my chewed off nails done. While I was there he ran and picked up Love Cake Cupcakes from Hey Cupcake and surprised me with them when he picked me up along with a note that said, "Happy Valentine's! Will you still be mine?"

Then, he took me to our favorite Valentine's Day restaurant, NXNW, where he'd made reservations last week. All, we had the four course dinner. I haven't been spoiled like that since Cali!! Usually, it's too much food, but (LOVE NXNW) we asked if they cared if we split it (since a lot of people around us were ordering regular food any way it didn't seem like a big deal) and they so didn't care. They even split it for us. It was just the right amount of food and just the right amount of way too full at the end. We both enjoyed our wine - me, my malbec, and he, his tiny glass of port, we both laughed at.

I guess that's what 20% alcohol gets you. We had dessert via fresh fruit, whipped creme, and chocolate there, then came home and enjoyed the cupcakes he brought me on our bed.

Absolutely. perfect. in. every. way.

aa-and he's home so I'm ending this :) ! actually that sound of a car wasn't him... but he did call me a few minutes later to invite me to meet him for lunch so now I'm off for reals :) .


PPS I LOVE LOVE LOVE summer!! These photos make me not be able to wait for it anymore!! I wish I lived in a place where it was summer year round! I feel good, I look good, and I'm outdoors ALL the time when it's summer and I can't WAIT to do that again!

Ha. That was horrible. Went against my own advice and said Happy Valentine's Day. Not ONE person on this list has been irritated like that lady just was. Note to self: um, don't say Happy Valentine's Day. Unless they initiate it.

DETERMINED to make another 36 calls today. Yes, it's Valentine's Day. Does that mean I say Happy Valentine's Day to each person? Hmm, I think I will only if they initiate it. Don't know what situation they're in.

Mockingjay Review

Read Catching Fire Sunday night and Mockingjay last night. My review from Goodreads is below. I should be an English major. I loved analyzing stories in my second English class - pulling out ridiculous nuances that the author may or may not have been trying to make a subtle point with. I could totally do that with this book. Take that last paragraph I wrote and analyze the badookers out of this book. It'd be fun. But, since I'm not in an English class, I'm not going to take the time to bother, because in reality is Suzanne Collins' perspective one I care THAT much about. Nope. Not really. Although it does surprise me how basic her website is. With the comparisons of society in her book, though, that only makes sense actually (see the last paragraph below again).

By the way, NO IDEA if there are spoilers in here, so don't read if a subtle hint at the end is not your forte:

Yup, power reading is the way to go for me apparently. Read this in five hours last night.

This may be surprising to hear for some, but for me this book was REALLY slow in the last half. Each sentence had SO MUCH detail but not much really happened in their lives. There was a huge drawn out production, followed by a quick wrap up of a very long period of time. Kind of a let down for the ending for me.

Nonetheless, I am excited to read other works by Suzanne Collins because her visual imagery is absolutely stunning. The entire world is created in my head. I believe that's what makes books like these so popular. When it's so EASY to visualize, connect with the characters, and has so much going on to boot, you can't help but have a cult following. No effort is required to create a grand picture in your head of an amazing, but painful, other world.

Excellent, excellent series. Can't wait to see the movie now!

Update: Actually, delving a little deeper into these books... The picture the author paints of society intrigues me in how in some places it's not so different from our world. She really points out, from the first book to the last, the ridiculous social and fashion customs that society at large occupies themselves with and makes more important than say... people starving or dying. That stark contrast is throughout the entire book and only in the end of the series does it really stick home to how much one is in the dark from the harshness life can be if the shallowness of their lives is all they are concerned with. Very interesting how the author pulled out societal norms and plugged them into extremes to make a subtle comparison between her made up society and the society around us.

Small Triumphs

This is how you parent... I think.

I picked Justinbustin up for lunch and apologized to him for my defensive reaction to his statement this morning and told him what would've been a better response from me. I also talked to him about how I realize I can be critical and pick at the imperfections when SO MUCH of what he is doing is awesome, and I'll find the one imperfect thing that doesn't even really matter to pick at. I apologized for that, too, and told him I'm working on it. He heard me out, then apologized for  his attitude this morning without me saying anything about him needing to apologize.

Crossing my fingers I am doing right by these soon to be men, and training them up in the way they should go, especially by example. I am so grateful their Dad is. I only aspire to do the same.

In other news I made 48 calls today!! WHOOHOO! I did the math and I can cut out one of those working days this week or even next week if I make 48 calls a day instead of 36 :) . I'm so on that.

Another random thoughts post

*SO TIRED of Justinbustin's and my morning tiffs. We are both NOT morning people, so dropping him off at school while I try to pick a battle at a really dumb time is getting pretty tiring. This morning it was over his gym shorts. The thing is I'm realizing I tend to be pretty critical, and instead of focusing on what he IS doing good, I pick at the little things that aren't done perfect. That drives him nuts, understandably so, and I end up getting defensive. Goal at lunch today: apologize for being defensive. Hard to stay in the parent mode when I feel miffed and need to do the right thing for my reaction but still need to 'parent' him for his reaction!!

*I am DETERMINED to make another 36 calls today. I completely flaked out with the boys having three days off of school last week and didn't make a SINGLE call. That's put me WAY behind on my goal of being finished by the end of February. That means I need to work every single day this week, and stick to my three days a week after that to make up for almost all of it. I am DETERMINED to make 36 calls EVERY SINGLE DAY this week.

*Had an AMAZING quiet weekend with Brando. Normally I go crazy on quiet weekends. I think I'm getting a little too used to quiet weekends these days. But I love it, cuddled up next to Brando.

*Think I'm making a habit of reading books in one sitting. First it was The Help, then the Hunger Games, last night it was Catching Fire, the second Hunger Games book. Those books are so easy to read, though, it only took me four hours. Started at 11pm, finished at 3am (oops). Second book was SO MUCH BETTER. And now I realize I think I was listening to all THREE books on shuffle on the way home from Arizona as there was a part of one chapter I totally recognized from the audio. Should've shoved Brando awake to change it. Oops. Fortunately, that was the only part of the book I recognized and my heart was racing through the rest of the book. I had to cuddle up next to Brando while reading it because I was so on edge.

*I'm pretty stressed out about three things right now. Spoke to Li about them last night and feel better about one of them, but overall they're just too much for me right now.

• Justinbustin's bike got taken this last week, right before he and Brando were supposed to go on a fifteen mile ride this weekend and then a fifty mile bike ride next weekend which is a whole other can of worms as Brando really wants to go but Justinbustin doesn't want to and I'm torn between if he's not into it he really shouldn't go and if Brando really wants to go he should go.
• Then, Brando finally went to an ENT (see below post), the whole surgery and taking prednisone for that is still freaking me out. I had him go to an acupuncture on Saturday to see if there was some miracle cure for nasal polyps, but no such luck. Then, the next day he was having horrible allergies which I felt responsible for like he somehow got them by going to the acupuncturist. He said he's like that all the time any way, which is true, but I take too much responsibility on my shoulders for things I have no control over sometimes and I still freaked out all day, then worried the acupuncture might make the prednisone worse or something. When I talked to Li last night, she said she took prednisone for ten days once when she had acute bronchitis and was okay, so that made me feel a little better about him taking it at least.
• Finally, my nephew and niece quit their job managing a coffee house, which I felt was such a perfect little setup for them. With this, I feel I'm pretty much transferring my worries and concerns of life onto them as I'm freaking out for what they're doing, where they're going, etc, and want to just tell them you have SO MUCH OPPORTUNITY right now - you don't have kids, you're not tied down, do something for your future. Maybe they are, though. Maybe that's why they quit. They were talking about opening a business account with Brando, so that's a good thing. As Brando says, I just need to ask them what their plans are and stop freaking out as I really don't know anything any way, and if I did what could I do about it.

*Just typing those stressors out stresses me out all over again. UGH. I think if it was just one of them I would be okay, but somehow all together it seems oppressing and overwhelming.

GOALS for the day: Be happy, don't worry. It's oversimplified, but really that's what I need to focus on. Trusting God would be a huge part of that. And praying. Really, it comes down to praying instead of worrying. Sometimes I don't know WHAT to pray for, and really just need to sit and focus on what it is I am praying for.

Waking up to cuddles from my hubby is one of the best feelings in the world.

Especially when we have one car and he says let's leave early so we can go get coffee before you drop me off at work.

This transition to his new branch has been a little tough. Emails instead of texts the first week and not a lot of communication. But that's all it was. A transition. Not to mention he's asked me out to lunch TWICE compared to twice in the previous five years. Eee!! I dressed up all super cute for him too so I think he appreciated that and made him want to ask me more and actually remember in the middle of a work day lol.

Love that man ;) .

Ugh

Brando FINALLY went to see an ENT today after eight years of suffering chronic congestion in his sinuses. Of course they recommend surgery, weeks of steroids, and allergy treatment every day for the rest of his life.

He does have a deviated septum, so crossing fingers fixing that will fix a huge part of the problem. I very much dislike that they are putting him on steroids to calm the inflammation before they go in to fix it. Especially the very steroid that has made his mother's hair fall out (!?!?!) this last year. Only she took it for a few months, and he'll take it for ten days. Except doctors are lying to themselves if they say a drug that can do THAT amongst other things after a few months of taking it doesn't do ANYthing to you if you take it short term. On the upside, he has been going into sleep apnea lately where he stops breathing because no air can't get through. I think I'd rather have him on steroids for ten days than slowly losing oxygen every night.

The one part that gets me is he has a TON of nasal polyps (don't google it, you'll lose your breakfast), that they will remove as well. The little research I did (yes, I'm one of those crazy internet googlers/researchers) mentioned that they come back for a lot of people. I asked the nurse about it and she said, yes, they will come back the next day if he doesn't aggressively treat it with more steroid nasal sprays. Seriously?!?! That conflicts with the doctor's information that says they don't want their patients to be on continuous steroids.

Crazy googler that I am, I found that castor oil seems to reduce polyps. Also, hydrogen peroxide.

Another surgeon cauterizes the 'root' of the polyp if there is such a thing so they will not come back.

Sigh. I know he will want to go the surgery route because he is tired of not being able to breathe, but I want it to actually SOLVE it and not have to go back in over and over for more surgeries. Which, if he doesn't find a way to deal with it naturally, is quite possible, or he's on nasal steroid spray drugs for the rest of his life.

Ugh.

Oh and, on a sad note, the ENT put him at an 11 on a scale of one to ten. You couldn't see ANY of the normal black indicating open airways on his nasal passages, barely any on his sinus cavities above his eyes, and only the the top 3/4 on the sinus cavities on either side of his nasal passages. Grody and poor guy.

Oh, on an upside, he might be able to kiss me for longer than it takes to be able to take a breath afterwards for a little while!! Man, how I MISS that. Ah, I'm a bit selfish thinking of that. But if it's what it takes to get me through watching him go through this without completely freaking out on him, I'm sure he'll be on board with it.

Work

I love who I am when I work.

Why am I afraid to work?

I'm afraid to have it all.

One might think staying home is having it all.

It is. In a sense.

Only I don't shop. I don't decorate my home. I don't eat out or go out.

So no. It's not having it all.

It's having the most important thing.

Being able to be home to parent my kids.

Having the energy to hang onto my husband with every thread of my being even when society and friends are telling me to walk away.

Having my husband hang onto me with the same passion being willing to go wherever I go just so I'm happy.

I want to be able to work and not be afraid of these things falling by the wayside.

I realize it's possible.

I've seen amazing people, women, and families do it.

I just don't know how.

I want to know how.

Yesterday I came across a website called Pursuit 31 via a friend and asked myself the questions asked on the website.

I haven't pushed hard enough to be where some of those questions are asking about but I had a sense of familiarity with quite a few.

Made me realize what a different generation we are living in.

I'm not the only one who wants this.

There are others out there.

And there are others out there who are doing a whole lot more about it than me.

They are out there with their families and their husbands and DOING it. Making it work and figuring it out along the way.

Now that I think about it. The marriages I've seen tragically fall apart - the ones that I reference in my brain when I hang onto my marriage with wee fibre of my being even when things are rough - the woman didn't work.

Now I'm going to go do some analysis and try to figure out where the hell I based my thinking of not working will keep my marriage together thoughts.

Text to my bestie this morning... Yeah, this is about where I'm at:

Morning roomie! Damn I'm lonely when the boys are back at school. So much fun having them home the last three days!! No schedules to adhere to was nice too. Happy school morning!!!

I am the queen of random thoughts posts lately.

*Spent WAY too long last night perusing a couple friend's website and facebook and being SO PROUD of them in how far they have come in the last seven years, and at the same time wondering how come Brando and I haven't come that far and could we in the next seven? AHHH.

Sick sick sick

Bah. First Justinbustin, then Shawners, now me. Bleh. Coughing, first slight then slowly getting hackier and hackier. Now snotty and stuffed up. Yuck yuck yuck.

Fingers crossed today for Teagan who is attempting to visit NY. This involves so much more for her than just visiting! ALL of my fingers and toes are crossed. Please say a prayer for her!!

I am easily pleased

Texts from me to my sister, who has been playing WWF a lot longer than I and pretty much beat me in almost every game so far:

My day in pictures

1. Ugly faces contest makes smiley pictures so much cuter
2. New undies at Victoria's Secret!
3. My attempt at color blocking and the best photo I managed to get... Doesn't do it any sort of justice.
4. New ski hat? Yes, please.
5. Cupcake from Sugar Mama's via Austin Java for a friend visiting from NYC. Sadly, I didn't get to give it to her :( . We'll have to enjoy it later.
5. Brunch at Austin Java!
6. More ugly faces contest at Austin Java.
7. Love this 360 degree picture taking app, even though I only covered about 180 degrees in this instance.
8. Yummy hippie hollow omelette with ham, bell pepper, onion, tomato, and Swiss.

Work Observations

*2/3 of the way through. Found taking a break after each page of 12 helps.

*Strange how each page of calls has it's own majority "theme" whether it's disconnected numbers (1st page today), single males (2nd page today), single females (3rd page today), people getting divorced, sweet, older ladies, disconnected first numbers. Makes me think more on "what's in a name".

*Why DON'T people blog about work? Presumably it's because they could get fired. But MAN so MUCH happens that I gotta get it out. At the same time, it's just work, so it really doesn't effect the rest of my life, unless I let it (which I'm perfectly capable of doing :D) .

*I have to stare at this while I make phone calls:

Mentally prepare (or jot notes, if you like) for different possible responses.

• The person you wish to reach might answer.
• Somebody else might answer for them.
• An answering machine or voice mail system might pick up.

From here.
Yes. I'm that person. It helps.

Update: WHOOHOO! I'm DONE with my 36!! Must. remember. not. to. get. distracted. in the midst of a page. Then, it seems to take forEVER. Also, Friday seems to be a lot of machines. Nice for me, but not so effective for what I'm calling for. In addition, when I talk to some of these people and they sound SO YOUNG I get slightly jealous that they have the money to be able to do what their business is with my Dad. I SO WANT TO BE THERE!!!!

My Dad just called me to tell me I'm cooking, which, yes, I am. Once I did the math I figured out I could knock this out in TWELVE DAYS. Now, I only have TEN DAYS to go. WHOOHOO!! Then, he says, once you're done with this project, I'll have another project for you. I told him, I am crossing my fingers it does NOT have to do with calls, but if it does DON'T TELL ME. He laughs and says okay, I won't tell you. AHHHHHHHH. Okay, I'm still crossing fingers it doesn't have to do with calls, but if it does surely he will not be having me call his entire client list again, right?!?! Right?!?! Maybe it'll just be appointment setting or talking to people who already know I'm calling. Aghhhhhhhh!!! Not. going. to. think. about. it. So. grateful. he is giving me the opportunity to work from home.

Random

*Tried to upload an adorable 7 minute snippet of conversation between Shawners, Brando, and I on the way home (them from boy scouts, me from a night out with my girlfriends) that Shawners recorded unknowingly to us. Sometimes, in the midst and stress of life, I don't feel like we have normal, peaceful conversations. I love the accidental moments that get recorded where I realize how very nice we actually do sound.

*Thinking about how my Grandma got Brando and I started on taking dates by paying for our babysitter for a good year. She stopped but after awhile, but got the momentum going for us to take off with it. I also met my best friend as a result, because I would not have been able to keep having her back week after week to babysit until eventually we became inseperable. I might not have even met her because I wouldn't have had the resources to even have the gumption to ask her the moment I first met her if she babysat any way after Shawners instantly fell in love with her (didn't ever happen with him). Need to tell my Grandma thank you.

*Not wanting to work in 12 minutes. I am DETERMINED to make another 36 calls. Wednesday I got stuck on a call for AN HOUR before I finally emailed the office and asked how the heck do I get off the phone with this person?! I immediately got three emails back with three different methods and confirmation they've all gone through that experience with this person.

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Frustration!!!!!

It's a coffee and bullet list kind of day:

*Woke up like a cranky MONSTER today, raging at Shawners for asking me for the freakin' third time to check my email to see if his teacher had emailed me back. Felt horrible.

*Have a bit of cabin fever after being semi-cooped up the last six days with one or the other kid sick and pretty much total cabin fever the last three days.

*Am SO sad Shawners is missing some VERY fun events including the kids in his class including him doing a heritage poster presentation (he'll still be able to do his, but he'll miss the others' presentation and it was SUCH a neat project) and a 4th grade/5th grade musical at school by being home sick. Emotions over that probably made worse by the fresh sting of how many events I missed in my childhood.

*It's my besties birthday today and we are on the last two days before pay day which means zero moolah. I SO wish I had the cash to have Whole Foods deliver lunch and flowers to her work, but it will have to wait til' Friday when we have money again.

*DETERMINED to work today. If I make 36 calls a day it will only take me 12 days to power through the list. And make decent money so we're not broke the last week before payday. Also, determined to take the last hour to cull through the calls I've made and mark which ones I've emailed in response and which ones are accomplished.

*Must. have. coffee. day. Went without it the past couple days which is great for my system and not being cranky all the time. But the crankiness kicked in today and coffee kicks my butt.

*Update three hours later: Made my 36 calls - well, 32 today because I'd already made the 4 from one page the other day. Need to write another post about this experience soon...