Quote I just read that I want to hang onto:

"I've noticed that familiarity either breeds one of two feelings: boredom or overwhelmingly-wonderful nostalgia." -Ashley, A Blossoms Story

So, so, so often I've noticed this. Now to turn those boredom ones into overwhelmingly-wonderful nostalgia.

Things I learned about cooking from my Grandma

*Enjoy the process and engage your guests in the process. Who cares if it takes all day. If you have a table full of deliciousness at the end and good company to eat it with, it was worth it.

*For easy serving with company, serve buffet style on the counter. Set out the dishes with spoons and set the table. Everybody grabs their plate and serves themselves.

*Use placemats and napkins. Set the place settings properly. It makes guests feel special.

*Use whatever you have on hand for salads. The more the merrier, just make sure it goes together. Red onion, mandarin oranges, and cucumber or cucumber, celery, and tomatoes.

*Use tried and true recipes. Favorite and family recipes. They make things more delicious and meaningful.

*Serve green bean salad. It's delicious. And my Grandma makes it.

*Organize cabinets by stacking like items - bowls with bowls, pans with pans, skillets with skillets. Being in multiple houses with small kitchens from park models to RVs taught my Grandma this is the best route to go. This makes everything easily accessible, and easy to get to.

*Use leftovers to make sandwiches for lunch. I watched my Grandma make pork sandwiches out of the evenings before meal, smoked beef sandwiches out of a gift from a friend - anything can make a good sandwich. This uses up last night's leftovers or whatever is on hand and doesn't take too much thought to have a quickly delicious lunch.

Things I learned about road trips

*Take potty breaks whenever necessary. It's not worth holding it for that last two hour stretch. You'll arrive miserable.

*Stop often and enjoy the scenery. Climb a rock mountain just because. Pull over and throw snowballs in a small town.

*Act like your locals. Don't treat the towns like road stops and find whatever gross place on the side of the highway locals refuse to go to. Find a local coffee shop and enjoy an amazing Cafe Au Lait.

*Download books on your iPod. For free, if you have a husband like mine. Don't listen to them on shuffle.

*Bring plenty of snacks. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner snacks. Bagels are good. So is tuna for a lunch when you don't have anywhere to stop.

*Bring a pillow and blanket, especially for the little ones. Let them build car forts in the back seat of the mini van. Have them cuddle up to go to sleep.

*This is essential for our family: leave EARLY in the morning rather than drive at night. 3am drives I can do. Driving *until* 3am, not so much.

*Switch drivers every time you get gas. Or every two and a half hours or so when you stop for a potty break. Nobody gets burnt out, and it makes the drive enjoyable for everyone.

I have been in a fog lately. I thought it was just me until today my best friend told me she has been in a fog since June. A fog meaning both her and I grateful for life but she just can't fully enjoy it and have that feeling of overly bubblicious life like her and I normally always do. In fact, I look at her and I's pictures from our San Antonio road trip and I see how the two of us are just bubbling over with happiness for life.

Things have happened since then.

In 2009, we both started school and got overwhelmed.

In 2010, her mom passed away.

In 2010, I held her up as much as I could when her mom passed away.

In 2010, Brando's and my closest couple friends disowned us and severely judged our every move.

In 2011, a year passed since her mom passed away. That was June.

In 2011, a whole new year of grieving started for her.

In 2011, a new kind of support for her started for me.

In 2011, I finally let go of the friendship we lost in 2010 even though it still hurts.

Today, those events cloud my vision of reality superimposing it with the emotion of those events. I thought it was just me. Turns out she is in the same boat. I am so glad God brought her and I together to go through life together and mirror each other's emotions even when we don't realize it. She is going to talk to her counselor on Friday about it and share with me what she says. Maybe it's time for me to go back to counseling. Allison has mentioned in the past she goes for a yearly 'check-up'. Maybe it's time for my yearly (or two) check up.

On leaving comments about the pictures on a post without reading the post

These are thoughts I've had for awhile ever since I saw Ashley from Hudson's Happenings mention this happens to her frequently. My thoughts just spilled out as a comment to this post by Elle just now as I'd never realized the gravity of the situation and I had to save them here:

Wow. What a situation to learn from! I've never understood that concept, and was introduced to it for the first time when I saw a blogger mention how it hurts when it happens to her. I'm not sure if anyone has ever done it to me, except for the obvious 'spam-type' comments. I always think people pull out a specific thing that interests them about a post to comment on. This is why I find it  hard to understand how some people can read SO MANY blogs to increase their readership!! I tried that a bit over the summer and felt like their are so many relationships I 'sorta' started and then fell by the wayside because I had forgotten who they were in the deluge of visiting blogs. Such a sad affair, when some of my closest friends are blog friends I have met in real life. I think this is one of the reasons my blog 'sped up' so quick and then slowed down SO much, because I missed the intimacy of truly reading a blog and understanding someone's life. I just met a blog friend this week in real life and am so excited that perhaps it may have worked. Getting to know someone is so much better than looking at their pictures and thinking you know them without really realizing what and who they are all about.

Picking up the blogger gauntlet

I think I have to admit my life is starting to get busy again.

I had a little bit of a break when the kids were both in elementary school, but with Justinbustin in middle school it's a whole new world.

I *thought* I would be less busy, but I'm really not.

I have two pick up times and two drop off times. Two places to volunteer at. Clubs to assistant coach. Band to figure out. Grades to check up on to relay to my son so he can take care of them if need be.

Boy scouts pick up drop off once a week with once a month campouts.

Tumbling pick up drop off once a week.

Youth group pick up drop off once a week.

It might be more mental work with lots o' driving, but it's busy again.

I don't think I give myself enough credit. Yes, I do have some downtime. My evenings are packed solid though, as are my mornings and late afternoon.

Instead of normal evening downtime, I get my downtime late morning, early afternoon when I'm not working, which I'm crossing my fingers will pick back up after the holidays. The rest is a blur. A fun, crazy blur, but a blur.

When I work, I get no downtime. Which is okay, too. Just more stressful.

So, yeah, I rock. I just forgot.

Humidity Frizz

Absolutely LOVING my new hair dryer. The weather is a perfect mess of humidity. But my hair is silky soft without a bit of frizz. I only slightly dampened it and blow dryed it this morning, too, just to tame it into submission after bed head from going to bed with wet hair. LOVE.

Made the previous post melt away :)

OMG I am SO broke right now and the kids have SO much stuff coming up with the holidays. It's my fault because I bought that darn hairdryer and don't want to ask brando's mom for the birthday money to pay it back right away since she's in the middle of a three day court case with his dad. ughers. everywhere i turn it's donations here, party money there, not to mention the money for robotics i've been covering out of my own pocket, regular bills, and food. middle school and upper elementary grades are SO EXPENSIVE and now we have two!! oh my darn word.

My new bed

Anniversary gifts

Oh Christmas Tree

Brought the kids to church today finally! We drop them off and have a morning date. I have an internal struggle with going to church these days. My parents didn't go as I was growing up. My Dad is the only one who goes now. Brando's and my marriage is SO much more happier and peaceful since we have  NOT been going to church. Mostly, I think because we get at least one day a week together. And so we don't go. I still think it's important for the kids to have that Godly structured environment, though, as we certainly don't provide it at home. The structured learning that is. We definitely pray at bed time and talk about our relationship with God.

We also went to a wind ensemble orchestra performance conducted by Justinbustin's band teacher. I so did NOT want to go. Once I was there, though, the music gave me chills. And got me in a bit of the holiday spirit with Baby, It's Cold Outside and Sleigh Ride. I needed that. It was also cute seeing Justinbustin sit with a few band friends who migrated to where we were sitting. They were so excited to see their band teacher on stage.

This year Brando brought in the beautiful fake tree a friend of my sister's had given us last year but we didn't have time to put it up last year. He put the lights on it as well. The boys put Christmas Pandora music on and made hot chocolate with marshmallows. Then, the boys put the ornaments on the tree. I put a few finishing ornaments on it and Brando took pictures. Justinbustin put the Christmas lights up outside. He did such a beautiful job.

Regarding my nothing post, I've decided to live by this motto and it worked well for me tonight. It may sound simple and duh to some people, but after years of cleaning up after four, then giving up, it's a whole new eye opener for me:

Maybe it'll keep me from doing nothing.

I Just Got Back from the Salon!

Oops, I accidentally posted one of my 'private' posts on PSD leading you here. Instead of editing the post to take away the link, I deleted it and now that post is forever stuck in google reader. Sigh. If you are here by way of my accidental post on PSD, please know that this is my private little journal. The unshiney one without the pictures. The stuff I just need to get out and don't have the time or energy to finesse into a pretty post. I love my PSD, but this is my cathartic outlet. You are welcome to read, but please know I actually appreciate the minimal feedback I get here and don't advertise this blog for that reason. I like to write with the freedom of knowing if anyone reads, it is only those who love, understand, and care about me most, even if those are people I've never met, without any sort of complicated or uncomplicated judgement.

Back to this post:


Only not...

What I really did was blow dry my already dry, disgusting been in the humidity all day hair with my new T3 Featherweight Luxe and it *gave* me salon like hair in less than two minutes.

In LOVE.

Thanks to a super late birthday present my MIL.

Love, love, LOVE it. Can't wait to wake up in the morning, dampen my hair, and walk out in two minutes like I just came from the salon.

Add to that how fantastically I've figured out how to paint my nails lately so much so that my cosmetologist sister asks if they are shellac nails.

Now to get my eyebrows waxed to feel like a total woman again...

I may seriously need an intervention.

Update here.

I have a problem with not living in the moment.

When I take pictures of things and look back on them, I LOVE what I created in my life.

When I'm taking the picture, I pick it apart and don't ever appreciate it in the moment.

Mostly, I pick me apart.

It takes me about three months to love a picture.

_____

I have a problem with doing nothing.

I blame it on my kids, I blame it on my lack of degree, I blame it on my lack of a job.

But, really, it's me.

To me, doing nothing is keeping everything afloat: boy scouts, youth group, church, tumbling for shawners, robotics for justinbustin, being assistant coach as robotics, occasionally working for my dad, making travel arrangements for my parents, spending time with brando, cultivating our marriage, cultivating our relationship. volunteering twice a week at the kid's school, prayer meetings for the boys, making sure to have a conversation with the boys every day about three interesting things that went on at school that day, having the resources to do all those.

To me, doing nothing is the hours and hours I spend on blogs, pinterest, facebook, and hulu, because doing anything else drains all the energy out of me to be able to do all those things above.

To me, doing nothing is not having the gumption to get a job because I don't want to mess up the delicate balance of the above.

To me, doing nothing is having a million and one DIY projects I want to do but don't because a) I feel like it would be a waste of time when I could be working at a job and b) because I don't work I don't have the money to waste to get on even the few little supplies it would take.

To me, doing nothing is being out of a job for the last ten years with few short-lived sabbaticals and not even remembering who that person was who worked full-time for four years from the age of thirteen to the age of seventeen, as a nanny to four kids, then as an advertisement representative at a newspaper.

To me, doing nothing is not wanting to go to school because it upsets that delicate balance above.

To me, doing nothing is figuring if I'm this lazy any way, what good is going to school going to do me. I'll still be just as lazy.

To me, doing nothing is not figuring this all out til' I sit down to watch hulu for the day.

To me, doing nothing, is feeling this way while my hubby texts me "Your my awesome." as I literally typed that above sentence.

______

Like I said, I may seriously need an intervention.

Wow. So, so low. My diet today has consisted of a kids clif bar, the rest of a box of cereal honey ohs, and two glasses of wine.

Missing my family like mad. Missing living near them on top of it all.

Texts to Brando

Me: You make my skies clear.
Him: You are my sun stars and sky!

Love when my husband asks where I am by saying, "Sexy panties?"

Okay, fine. I will leave pinterest for that. Again. ;)

Random Arse Thoughts

*So many things I did today, and it's only 12:30pm... in order of appearance:

*Woke up at 6am and left the house at 6:15am to take Shawners to get birthday donuts for school
*Came home for Shawners to get a stuffed animal for stuffed animal and pajama day at school
*Took Shawners to school, walked in with him, and took pictures of pajama day - so cute
*Listened to Shawners tell his friends he didn't have pajamas, and tell me he wishes he did when they sleep in their clothes any way because they want to be ready to go in the morning
*Stopped by Walmart to get Shawners pajamas and got interrupted from a call by KT in a middle of a breakdown
*Went over to KTs to make sure she was okay for the day instead
*Went home and picked up Justinbustin to take to school
*Dropped Justinbustin off
*Volunteered at Justinbustin's school library
*Received a $5 gift certificate to the book fair from the librarian as a thank you
*Spent the $5 gift certificate on a birthday book for Shawners
*In between all the volunteering and dropping off draft, write, and send an email to the robotics parents taking responsibility for not being clear about me bringing snacks at the beginning of the semester and taking that cost on as a wash and adjusting snacks as bring your own for the rest of the year, unless someone has other options
*Also in between all the volunteering having the principal's secretary give me money for one of the kid's on our team's award plaque
*Find Justinbustin and give him my credit card for the book fair that closes at noon his class is visiting today
*Go home for a sec
*Pick up Brando at the mechanics
*Go to lunch with Brando where we proceeded to argue throughout lunch on a misunderstanding that ended with me in tears over my feelings being hurt and him apologizing up the wazoo.
*Went by Krispy Kreme for a pumpkin spice donut
*Came home to enjoy my yummy donut (normally I very much dislike donuts but these are soooo yummy) and Starbucks I bought yesterday
*Texted Brando, "Thanks for lunch. I'm so happy you came in my life." (lyric I can't find the song that it's from, but which song I LOVE)
*About to run back to Walmart now for those pajamas
*So much for working today. Sigh.

text love

Lately, I have been texting Brando song lyrics I hear on the radio that make me think of him. I thought about how much it makes me smile when KT texts me throughout the day about how amazing I am, or how her day is going beautifully, or how she hopes my day goes beautifully and wanted to pass those kinds of feelings on to Brando, too. The only problem is he doesn't respond to normal girl chatter and it's too much on his day to have to respond to certain things.

So when I hear a lyric on the radio that makes me think of him I text it to him:

'You make me go la la la la la.'

'You're so amazing.'

'I'm your it girl, and you're my it boy.'

He always texts back so sweetly. His reply to that last one was, "I'm not sure what that means, but I like it."

This morning I texted him:

'You're stuck inside my head like my favorite tune.'

And he texts back:

'I love you more daily.'

Instant heart melt.

Ooh, look what I got in my email this morning:

Thank you for choosing AT&T and iPhone!

You can access your Customer Service Summary (CSS) for your iPhone account at any time by  logging into your wireless account.*

Your CSS outlines AT&T services, charges and policies for your iPhone account including:

• Charges on your AT&T bill
• Your rate plan for iPhone**
• Voicemail information
• AT&T policies and much more

Note: If your Customer Service Summary (CSS) does not display, make sure you have Adobe Acrobat® Reader®.

Thank you for choosing AT&T.

*If your CSS does not display, make sure you have Adobe Acrobat® Reader® installed. Download Acrobat Reader for free.
**An eligible data plan for iPhone is required. This data plan covers data usage in the U.S. and does not cover international data usage and charges. If it is determined that you are using iPhone without an eligible data plan, AT&T reserves the right to add an eligible data plan to your account and bill you the appropriate monthly fee.

__


Pretty sure that means I've 'guessed' the surprise Brando's had for me since last week. He told me he went in last week to get me a 'surprise' but didn't have all the right pieces to make it happen. I've been bugging about him since, asking him what it is, because I can't stand surprises. I like the surprise, but the not knowing part eats at me.

Eek! I'm super ecstatic and holding my breath to see if that's what it really is, especially after Allison just got her new 'best friend' ;) .

Crossing my fingers it WON'T mess up my arm again. I will have to be super disciplined in using Siri and leaving it alone other than that. Pinning is ONLY allowed on my computer! ;) .

Update: It was! It was!! The knock on my door just now was the small little box of simplicity that Apple is so famous for. Can't WAIT to try face time with my cousin! And Siri!! SO excited. Most of all I'm looking forward to Cloud and being able to integrate all of my calendars. I'm actually a little nervous that I might not be able to keep up with how efficient an iPhone makes me again. I am definitely going to ease up and limit myself on play time as I love, love, LOVE looking around and enjoying life with my dumb phone when everybody else is on their cell phones. It makes me appreciate EVERYthing much, much more. And I love not having to think about the God complex i.e. 'let me look it up on my iphone', 'i'll just check my email for that information', or 'we can look it up right now'. I really, really want to just use it as a mobile computer and not EVERY chance I get to look something up, especially in the middle of a conversation!! So that is my goal.

OH MY GOSH SO SO SO SO SO SO FREAKIN' PROUD!!! Justinbustin and his robotics team took first place in core values (essentially teamwork and sportsmanship) today at their robotics tournament and got invited to go to regionals in January!!! I am SO SO SO SO excited!!!

Truthfully, I was looking forward to a HUGE break from robotics after going, going, going the last few months and especially the last few weeks - on top of normal volunteering, work, and life. BUT I am thinking I could run on pure adrenaline from today's tournament until then. I am SO SO proud of them!!

In addition, today's actual tournament wasn't HALF as stressful as last week's practice scrimmage. The scrimmage had fifty people shoving around the tables while the team sent their robots out to do their missions. Today, the tournament was MUCH more organized and only the teams were allowed on the floor with their robots and coaches, and the parents in the bleachers. SO much less stressful without fifty kids shoving around the table.

I did wake up with a stress headache this morning from having nightmares since 3am about forgetting things we needed. Turns out, I did forget two things - the core value (!!) posters we had made, and a kid on the team (!!). But, one of a team member's parents who came called the school vice principal who called a custodian at the school to open the school for them to get the posters, and while they were doing that, I went and picked up the kid who I had forgotten I was supposed to pick up after he texted me, thank goodness. All was well. There was SO MANY other things I did well and DID remember that I couldn't possibly beat myself up for that, as KT and Brando so often reminded me through out the day.

First person I called when we got out was KT. I thanked her for her support these past few weeks when I've sent her texts saying I'm stressed or feeling defeated or worn out. She would text me back how amazing I am for even doing this, how inspiring I am, and what a wonderful thing I am doing. I wish my phone was a smart phone and not a dumb phone so I didn't have to delete everybody's texts and could look back at hers to smile. I still smile when I think about them, though. Everybody needs a best friend like KT. I also told her, shhhhhh, a secret that the core values was my baby, the one I took on because it was a new judging realm this year and nobody seemed to know what to do with it. So I took it on, realizing if it was new and nobody knew what to do with it, I couldn't fail any way. So when the kids won first place in it today I secretly gave myself a pat on the back. I felt that maybe I CAN contribute and maybe I DO have something to offer, as I have been backing off in every other realm except to completely support the coach, send out all emails, do all research, provide all materials, and make suggestions that the coach made the final decision on. Core values is the only one I ran with. Of course, it still wouldn't have happened without the kids and the coach. The kids ARE awesome together and we've been talking the last few days how we haven't had any problems with them, and the coach made several home run suggestions today to do with teamwork. Yet the leading thing was spurred by the thing I came up with and implemented each week. As KT says, I am just "enjoy[ing] the way it makes [me] feel". She's so awesome.


As is my stellar hubby who reminded me this morning as the tournament got rolling and I headed to pick up the other team member, by calling me by name to tell me it's not about what I SHOULD'VE done it's about what I CAN do. I texted him back, "I like when you say my name." and smiled because of his support.

What an amazing, amazing day. Now, I have warned the boys and myself of the down slope after such an amazing adrenaline rush. I am constantly reminding myself so it doesn't hit me too hard!! It already hit Shawners HARD this evening. He is now in bed missing Captain America because of it. He's probably already passed out asleep. If not, I'll go get him in a bit for having a good attitude about going to bed and let him watch a bit.

Justinbustin had a TINY bit of a meltdown. Tiny, big bit, but more Shawners induced, which Brando was put on comedy listening order for the same thing, which I understand. I barely held it together myself while dealing with Shawners on the way home. He finally realized it though and was in sincere tears rather than attitude shouts this evening, so if he's still awake he will see that reward.

And I'm off to finish my port and enjoy the "way it makes me feel" the rest of this evening *smile*.

not pregnant AGAIN. not that we seriously tried - but we did technically try four times, I was just aware that it wasn't close to ovulation time and figured if I got pregnant it was meant to be. right?? i was SO sad when i started my period yesterday. i really wanted it to be meant to be because i wanted a baby in july before or close to my 31st!!! all my closest friends are born in july, and i realize that's a silly reason to have a baby in july but i don't care. now i'm not going to have a baby when i'm 30 cause we've waited too long!!!!! BOOOOO.

so now to decide if we try and have an august baby (there are very few people i know that i enjoy at. all. who were born after the first third of august) or september or october? I literally know nobody who i get along with who have birthdays in those month (unless you do? let me know if you do!). November is okay, December, too. Maybe I just need to wait a few months. Ahhhh!!!

i realize this is silly, but who ever is ready to have a baby? we won't ever be, so might as well have one now. or two :) . i could have twins and get two out of the way! Lord, would that be awesome :) .

just found out

the lady i nannied for who was a wonderful christian home-school mom then fell back into her alcoholic druggie ways, divorced her amazing man, left her four children, slept with her cousin and many others, had another baby with a man she's not with, and i believe has come full circle to getting her life back on track and is again in contact with her kids has cancer. her kids don't know and she doesn't want me to tell her kids.

i can't handle news like this. it builds up inside and it explodes because i dont talk about it with anybody. people tell me these things because i'm empathetic and dont spread the word, but what they dont know is i cant take it.

perfectionism mindset is wanting to be there in every way possible like i did for my kt since her mom died and continue to do but realizing i can't so i don't do anything because i can't do everything. today i do something, but what i don't know. any suggestions?

thoughts running through my head this morning

*Perfectionism mindset is not wanting to finish something because you haven't done it perfect ie leaving ten pages blank of a to-do notebook because you didn't complete every. single. line ahead of time. today i finish using the notebook.

*Perfectionism mindset is giving up when the going gets tough, as it always does, because tough isn't perfect. today i ride through the tough of finding t-shirts for the robotics club by doing what i should've done in the first place and relying on the word of a friend who has t-shirts designed for a living.

*Perfectionism mindset is not letting your son choose his own haircut because you want to have the value of a haircut, not the value of a long term relationship minus battles over something as a simple haircut. Fail, R*se. today i apologize for my short-sightedness, brush his hair out, and convince him it looks exactly the same, his ears are covered, and only the curls are gone, then pray that no one notices his hair cut and his spirits are lifted.

*Perfectionism mindset is giving up when the final product isn't perfect, rather than going forward with what you have ie not scheduling massages because they don't happen on the weekend with Brando taking care of the boys like I want them to. today i schedule a two hour massage to use it up in time.

*Perfectionism mindset is not wanting to make calls for my dad because i'm thrown off by him having another employee calling over the last few months to make annual appointments and she tells me i may be calling the same person the next day. today i use the motivation of my first paycheck and charge through the phone calls merely using the opportunity to apologize and strengthen the relationship by double calling if need be.

update:

my dad apologized this morning after he cooled off. i came up with some options as far as having to be available all day - like communicating via text and email and making appointments to speak on the phone and it sounded like he was okay with that.

i told him our relationship is more important than an "easy job". he talked about working through things to make our relationship stronger. i also told him i realize he's under a lot right now and i don't want to be the one to add to that.

i apologized as well. moving forward, we will see how things go. i am nervous to make calls. i am not much of a phone person, although i have been better these days with doing so many projects for my mom.

and now comes the meltdown

and that's what i effen get for trying to do it all. my dad is upset because he can't get through to me on my phone whose bill hasn't been paid in two months and i'm upset because he's been calling me all day and i've been trying to call him all day and my moms been texting me things all day to do and i can't fucking do it all. and now i'm not going to work for my dad because ive been crying for the last half hour and i cant stand for him to be this mad. this emotional stress for him and for me is not worth it. i get it. he wants someone who is available 24/7 at his beck and call and i can't be that person if i still want to be a mom. he says he doesnt need me 24/7 but then he tries to call me "fourteen times" today and is completely exasperated that he can't get a hold of me even though he sent me a phone he somehow doesn't have a number for and ive been trying to call him on.


WOW. I realized working for my dad would be difficult, but i didn't realize things would go down this quick. it's not worth it to me to screw up my relationship with him because it's the "perfect job" as he says.

brandos so upset for me and wants to call and tell him off, but the truth is they are going through enough stress with their move, they don't need this on top of it. and i dont want to put it on him on top of it.

maybe my mom will talk to him. i talked to her about the issue earlier. maybe not.

either way, it's not worth the stress on my dads and my relationship and id rather not go forward with it if it's going to cause that. im sad. im really, really sad.

but i dont know how to respect myself and still be what my dad expects out of an employee.

he was already burned by my aunt who worked remotely for him and he's transferring part of that onto me. i dont want to go into the situation under that assumption, but i did, and now we're both paying the price for it.

i am sad.

My day was exHAUSting, so I just need to record it here to make myself feel better

*Drop off Shawners at school
*Drop off Justinbustin at school
*Stop by Starbucks and bring Brando and I home an iced chai tea latte and a pumpkin spice latte
*Send Brando off to work
*Spoke with the robotics coach on the phone, took notes, and sent out email
*Spoke on the phone with a t-shirt company for half an hour who may make our robotics t-shirts
*Spoke on the phone for an hour and a half with another robotics coach and ended up hearing her out and counseling her on her sixth grade daughter (such long conversations exhaust me these days)
*Made a work phone call to reschedule an appointment which involved three back and forth calls between the related parties
*Realize I had been trying to skip this week and the boys' do not indeed have early release like I thought today as it is next week
*Feel totally thrown off for my day and realize I can indeed meet with Mai today
*Call Mai to tell her the change of my day and create plans
*Load up tons of things to send home into Shawner's classes' Wednesday folders at his school
*Help a fourth grader back to the cafeteria to eat lunch after looking for his missing lunch in the middle of the folders
*Find his missing lunch after I'd escorted him back which I then brought down to him
*Drove down south to meet one of my besties, Mai, who's in town for a few days
*Had lunch at Torchy's and frozen hot chocolate at Holy Cacao with Mai - a fantastic part of my day!
*Got a work call during lunch and tried my hardest not to be irritated
*Rushed back to Mai's house to help condense her suitcase for her two month tour in Europe she's going on tomorrow
*Rushed back up north to pick up Shawners from school
*Came home and made a few more work calls to sort out the situation at lunch
*Made other work calls and notes to create emails later
*Created an agenda for the robotics meeting
*Rushed back out the door to stop by HEB to pick up snacks and awards for the robotics meeting
*Attended the robotics meeting and nearly chucked my work phone at these crazy kids when my phone started having the person calling talk to me instead of ring
*Handed out awards for core values
*Tried to hold it together while listening to these kids rehearse their presentation skit and somehow manage to cut themselves on an aluminum can and bruise an elbow
*Approve a design for the t-shirts by the team
*Reschedule a staggered robotics meeting for this Saturday
*Return the work call I got during the meeting
*Come home and draft a robotics email addressing the t-shirts and rescheduled meeting, after calling each team member and making sure each was okay with the cost and changes
*Field phone calls from Brando on his way home from work three times
*Addressed the problem of being on-call 24/7 for work and it needing to not happen
*Found out there's a possibility I could get paid for it to happen which I could get on board with
*Arrange for a friend to pick up Justinbustin for youth group
*Review Justinbustin's grades with him online to talk about three of the classes that need work and have him be aware
*Make sure Justinbustin eats dinner before he heads off
*Sign homework for Justinbustin
*Send Justinbustin off to youth group with said friend
*Draft a work phone and voicemail script and thank you email
*Have Shawners cancel his tumbling class as he isn't feeling well
*Finally eat dinner
*Realize I need to respond to a work call while writing this post and do
*Collapse... somewhere
*Oh, wait, I have to go pick up Justinbustin from youth group
*I'll sleep later

*(all without a smart phone because that would have made my day @#$%loads easier - oh, smart phone, I'm coming back again soon, don't you worry)

I sound like I'm self-employed and it sure feels like it!

WHY am I so bored of blogging lately?!!

I still love to read and browse... sort of. Only the people I know well (and if you're reading this, that includes you).

It's not like there's not a lot going on. There is. Maybe too much?

I'm sort of working. For my parents. Remotely. It's been nice to feel productive. The goal is to get a regular paycheck we can count on as part of our income.

Justinbustin has been busy, busy, busy with school and robotics. It's wearing me out. But it's fun. And he loves it.

Brando's had the past two weekends off - a total record. We enjoyed the first weekend immensely, then this one was spent half fabulous, half lots-o-arguing.

Fortunately, we worked out our argument. And a girlfriend subtly/subconsciously pointed me towards a book on communication lol.

Shawners is adorbs and has been spending lotsa time with Brando and I while Justinbustin is at events. This is fun.

That's all for now.

Oh my mom found my 13 year old diary so that should make for some fun entries when/if I get a hold of it.

UGH SO FRUSTRATED.

Just found out one of my closest friends is DATING A MARRIED MAN. Seriously?!

I'm not going to spill the whole shpeel here because really I'm just over it.

I'll nutshell it by saying just because the wife did something wrong doesn't make what he is doing, and my friend is doing right.

I need to call her out on it. She's too close to phase out as a friend.

And I would want her to call me out on something that was so blatantly bad for me.

I have to do it.

But I don't want to. It's going to be a difficult conversation and I may lose her as a friend.

I don't want to. But I also don't want to keep her as a friend if I can't say what is on my mind.

Here's to our friendship and crossing fingers it stays.

Randoms

*I LOVE that on my latest post on PSD everybody mentions my hair.  I realize it's mostly because of the goddess braid I did, but the truth is I FINALLY got my hair cut back to the way I LOVE it, and ended all the nasty stragglies that had been going on that kept the sleek look from happening. Love that I have it back! Must mention that when I reply with emails.

*Went to dinner with my nephs and niece tonight. After their wedding in June they took off to Alban*a and just got back a few weeks ago. This was the first time we've seen them, and I'll admit it I was apprehensive. But after a good talk with my bestie, KT, I was totally prepared to be gracious and do the right thing no matter what. And we had a FABULOUS night! The issues were still there, but you know what, my perspective was changed and I was able to see a lot clearer and not take anything personally or make it all about me. I had a fantastic time, as did Brando and the boys, and I can't wait to do it again.

*We've "tried" again twice. Once I was just ending my "time of the month", but then again tonight, three days after. It's a silly back and forth between Brando and I - I want one, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't. He doesn't think we're quite prepared, and I don't care if we're prepared - we weren't the first time, and we've always said if you "wait for the perfect time" it will never happen - it's never going to be the perfect time. A baby is a shitload of responsibility, but boy are they worth it.

*Babysat my neighbors' girl this morning. Boy, are girls different than boys. I can't count on two hands the amount of conversations her and I had - about sleepovers, the masquerade masque hanging in my bathroom, grooming the dog, etc. She followed me around like glue. We had a blast and it was so much fun being able to talk nonstop to another girl, even if she is five :) .

*Brando knew I was a little upset about going out this evening with friends and the kids, instead of a date, so before we went he put on the calendar and sent me an email reminder saying, "Date morning - Be happy."

*So antsy to go on another vacay (hmmm, that doesn't fit too well with the third star up ;) !

New Perspective

Last night I texted my sister, "I hate my life. I am so depressed." after a margarita at Chipotle. Not LIKE ME. I'm usually the happy drunk.

Last night I came across this picture. I've seen it before in the sense of being a picture that inspired a girl to become a photographer. Today, it inspired me to be a better person.

This morning I woke up to my boys breaking down the fort they had built to completely cover their room two months ago and have been sleeping in since. Except for the one time Brando and I got into a fight over them breaking it down or not. Brando wanted it broke down for school to start - I wanted it to stay. I loved that 3/4 of their room couldn't be messed up because it was covered in blankets and their little "cubby holes". I loved that they could leave their bedroom door open and have it still be quiet because they were tucked away talking or playing games inside their fort - and not wrestling and throwing things like they normally do. Oh, life with boys, I love it.

I told them something they hate to hear, but I tell them any way because my sister told her three boys and they are the sweetest brothers I have ever met. "Blessed are brethren that dwell together in unity, and you are dwelling together in unity." In the midst of me telling them against their cries of, "Mo-om, we know, we know." I say, "I just want you to know I am blessed and you are blessed." Shawners retorts, "My Mom is blessed." I reply, "Thank God!! I am so happy for that!" and he retorts, "My ancestors are blessed!" to which I also reply, "Wow, that's awesome. Thank God! I am really happy for that!" That child. I want to pinch his cheeks from cuteness sometimes.

On the way to drop Shawners off at school Justinbustin went with me so I could drop him off early so he could clean and practice his trombone before his lesson today. Justinbustin starts talking about how he wants to move Shawner's dresser out of his "room" and put a hammock in there. Shawners immediately starts an outcry, "Justinbustin always gets the BEST stuff." To which I replied with a very proud mommy moment - one that made me feel like a parent.

I got on my wise parent soapbox and told him, "You know, I used to feel that way about my sister. That was part of the reason I moved away from California 'cause I couldn't figure out how to get out from under that. Then I moved here and I got a house, we had you guys, we had a garden, we had a dog and my sister would say, 'Your life is so perfect, I wish I had that.' Then we moved to California for a year and came back to Texas and we moved to our apartment and all of a sudden she had a house, and a garden, and the dogs and I wanted what she had. But you know what? I'm happy for her. I'm happy she has what she has because I trust that the Lord has good things in store for us - maybe that, or maybe something else. He has good things in store for us right now - Dad and I still being together, amazing schools both of you boys are blessed to go too, the same view that the million dollar houses across the canyon have. Over time, I've realized I can't live my life being upset over not having what she has or vice versa, I can only be happy for her and be happy for myself when those things come and with the amazing blessings I do have."

He was quiet afterwards, so I am hoping that it sunk in a little. This is a true heartfelt struggle for me, and part of the reason for my text last night to my sister. I was looking outward, instead of looking inward and upward.

This morning before that conversation, as I sat on my porch drinking my coffee my husband made for me this morning after I simply asked him last night, and watched the colors of the sky change as the sun rose, I read this verse, "I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation." Ps13:5, I realized I have trusted in your mercy - when I got pregnant with Justinbustin, when I married Brando, and my heart has rejoiced in your merciful salvation each of those times, and my heart will trust in your salvation now and I will trust in your mercy now because it will come, and it has come in ways I haven't noticed, just as it did then. He is an amazing God, powerful beyond our belief of a mustard seed, and all I need to do is have that faith of a mustard seed.

Could it be?

Have I gotten bored of reading blogs? I still check in with those I love, and those I've developed relationships with, but the rest seem like too much work. I still look at very few of the pretty blogs - the ones I've developed relationships with, any way - and occasionally glance at the rest, but these days I spend less than five minutes on my reader. Strange. Maybe I feel if I'm not contributing back to the community I really have nothing to take in or say.

Crazy times.

Need to vent, but just did on the phone with my sister.

Had a FANTASTIC weekend wakeboarding for hours with the boys.

Wow, the rest of it was weird, though.

And it didn't get any less weird last night with girls' night.

Ugh.

Wow, had an AMAZING time at TSR today and can't wait to post about it.

Just about makes up for waking up with panic attacks at 6am in the morning since I found out my parents were moving and falling back half asleep with dreams of boxes and furniture and moving.

And now my parents are moving. Holy Jesus, please hold me.

Fortunately, they are not moving because they have to. They are moving because their landlord mentioned raising the rent again (he's mentioned it a few times before, but usually hasn't done it), and thought he's willing to work with them and not raise it again, they've decided to move on. They're going to buy a motorhome and live in a motorhome. They'll still have their office in Santa Cruz, but for now will have a motorhome spot in Gilroy as the lots in Santa Cruz were too close together. I'm guessing they will still have their other two RVs they have now, but not positive.

I always remember my Grandparent's living in a motorhome as I grew up. Grandma and Grandpa's house would always come to our house. My Grandma owned her motorhome til' a few years ago - now she lives in Arizona for the winter and Washington for the summer.

I am SO nervous because I told my Mom we would like to come live there for a year next year. She says, we should keep the house then, which I WANT them to do. But I can't decide what's best for them. And we are so fickle on our decisions - who knows if we will move there in a year. Regardless, we wouldn't be living with them this time. We'd rent our own place.

Still. My heart stops thinking we won't have that house by the harbor anymore with the grassy backyard overlooking the boats, just a short walk to Crow's Nest and Aldo's. My heart literally freaking STOPS.

How the hell did I come up with both Brando's Mom and my parents moving in one year? Did one beget the other? Maybe Brando's Mom moved so I would be okay with my parents moving. My heart literally does not know what to do right now. The emotion of this definitely won't hit me until the next time we go to Santa Cruz and can't go to the house by the harbor.

I don't even know where Brando and I will stay anymore. Last time, we stayed with my parent's while the kids stayed with Brando's Mom. I guess this time we will all stay with Brando's Mom. I'm not prepared for that. LOVE her new house, but she sold all the guest bedroom furniture and the guest room in her new house adopted all her old, dark wood furniture. We stayed there a few night's the last time and it was okay, but I am not cool staying there for a long time.

Am I selfish that this is the majority thoughts running through my head right now? Maybe, but it's my home and immediately what my mind jumps to - when we're there.

Brando Email Love

Don't Want to Forget

Just watched Soul Surfer after reading the book months ago. Book was the best I've ever read, and the movie was the most inspiring I've ever watched.

Things that stuck out to me from the movie:

*Brando just told me the other day I need to own it - "it" being my past and who I am. He gave the example of the hat I wore to a party once, how it was beautiful and different than anyone else's in the room and how I decided instead of being embarrased because it was so different, I was going to own it and own the room. And no less than twenty people complimented me on that hat. So his advice and his relating to that story resounded with me.

*Bethanny, in the movie and in real life, owned her story. She didn't back down from it. She shows where she's been, how far she's come, and where she is now - along with what she's done along the way, and how hard she had to work to get there. She uses it to inspire.

*One of my most favorite blogs I read, Bitch Cakes, owns her story of losing weight over and over again until finally she is keeping it off and making her lifestyle an amazing combination of fitness and health. She doesn't use it to pity herself. She owns it - shows where she's been, how far she's come, and where she is now. She uses it to inspire.

*My story is not so different. Being a single Mom at 17 is not a piece of cake. And overcoming it was not "easy" as I dismiss it to be. I need to own that. Show where I've been, how far I've come, and where I am now - along with what I've done along the way, and how hard I've had to work to get here. I want to use my story to inspire.

*Being a single Mom is not like being bit by a shark, being bit by a shark is not like being a single Mom, being a single Mom is not like being overweight, being overweight is not like being a single Mom, being overweight is not like being bit by a shark, being bit by a shark is not like being overweight, but we each have our stories, and we each worked through them.

*Own your story. I want to own mine.

Pregnant or not it's been messing with my head.

Justinbustin is practicing his trombone with his friend, who is also practicing trombone. The overload of boy noise is a little too much, and the Rihanna in my headphones is not quite drowning it out.

Moments like these make me want to go home today. LOL, I'd drop them off at my mother-in-laws and be like see ya'! Tell me when he gets better.

My mother-in-law gave me my way more than generous birthday present today after an emotional week of highs and lows discussing certain other family members with her.

Justinbustin's friend, who is a grade ahead of him and is helping teach him the trombone, just shouted, "Yeah, you got it. I'm a teacher!"

I don't know what I'm going to do this school year. School stressed the hell out of me, and stress makes me look old. Shallow, yes? But I don't care. I haven't done school since I was ten years old, and it's not in the fabric of my being to not stress about it.

I've lost motivation for the business, but I'm not sure if that's because with the summer the kids were home, or if I've truly lost motivation because it's time to take it out the door, and well, I don't do that.

I LOVEd my summer with the boys, but with the boys back in school leaves time for self-reflection.

How. did. I. end. up. here? This is such a weird spot to be in. Mother of a middle schooler at 30. Paying for band, kids in public school (so did not EVER think I would be sending my kids to public school, especially after years of home school and half private/half home school).

I love Adele. She's coming to Austin in October. Too bad after I sold my Katy Perry tickets I decided I'm glad I didn't go. I hate crowds. I remember going to an Eagles concert with Brando when I first met him. I don't remember the concert. I remember the crowd and how uncomfortable I felt in it.

I went to Justinbustin's pep rally the other night. I literally got tears in my eyes being overwhelmed by the cheers, the noise, and the crowd (the sixth graders won the spirit stick - yeah!).

My husband is amazing, grocery shopping after a full day of work.

I feel like the more reclusive I am the more reclusive I become.

On the upside, today was the first day I *thought* it was going to be less than 100 degrees since May. I got all excited and went hiking with a friend. Turns out it wasn't under 100 degrees today. I hike in 100+ degree weather. I rock.

My son is playing the trombone! Kinda cool, right? I never played in band.

My younger son got a super organized, possibly a bit strict teacher. So far he loves the class! Plus, our neighbor's girl whose birth I was at goes to kindergarten at his school this year. So cute.

My husband is amazing. And he constantly is over and over again.

I bought hang gliding lessons for Brando and I to try. Oh, so nervous, but oh so excited!


Life is one big, strange, happy mess, isn't it?

Um. So we just "tried" for a baby. And I want a baby, another one. I just don't want to be pregnant. 'Cuz being pregnant is freaking difficult, and bloaty, and heavy, and painful, and I'm freaking out just a bit.

Where am I and what am I doing?

Just went through all the kids' artwork from previous days and WOW they had done SO much. Leaves me wondering where I am these days. Somehow I thought my life would have more sustenance. Instead, my kids are friends with apartment kids from broken families, we are living in an apartment in a school district we love but could never afford to buy a house in, and when we go to visit Cali my kids beg and beg and beg us to move there.

What has my life come to? I ask myself.

Back in 2007 we built a house. And then didn't move in. Lately I've been full of regret about that decision. I looked back in my blog and realized three months after we signed the contract to start building the house we started one of our most difficult times in our marriage. And, somehow, I realize if we had moved into that house maybe our marriage wouldn't have lasted. Still, I am so ready for a little more room than this 2 bedroom apartment. I am ready to have a place to call home.

Whether it be in Santa Cruz or here.

So not ready to go home

Really, really, REALLY don't want to.

The transition to my MIL's new place went GREAT.

My MIL lives three blocks from the beach where we've made amazing new memories at the beautiful beachside resort also three blocks away.

With my new baby niece from Brando's brother, my heart is torn going back home when such a precious baby girl is here.

The kids are begging for us to stay longer, Brando is begging to stay longer, and, heck, I'm begging to stay longer.

This trip was a pure FAMILY trip and I've loved EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT.

I want to stay here.

I want to live here.

Again.

Eeeek

So nervous! As always...

Super unhappy with life right now

I scheduled our trip over Justinbustin's youth group summer camp like an idiot. I realized I had scheduled it over my Katy Perry concert and kind of didn't care, but I should've taken that as a sign to check the freakin' schedule and see what other time would work well. I am so disappointed with myself, especially since Justinbustin earned half the money to go to camp and paid it on time, as he did with boy scout camp. Such a grown up man. I feel like a total failure as a Mom right now, and as a Mom who is trying to raise him up to be a man full of character and morals, by having him miss an opportunity to grow in his relationships with others and God when missing it could have totally been avoided. I am so disappointed in myself. We would change the trip, except Brando wouldn't be able to take off vacation later this month as one of his employees is going on vacation.

Want to write it down before it completely overtakes me

Wow, my perspective changes when I have both home.

I instantly go to completely involving my life around Justinbustin's and Shawners gets left in the dust.

It was almost like having Shawners be the oldest one this week where I got him involved in gymnastics, diving class, behind the scenes zoo, figured out volunteer opportunities for the zoo, and gem stone mining in ONE WEEK where I haven't been able to do that in TWO YEARS for him.

Why am I so obsessed with bringing Justinbustin up right and leaving Shawners behind on his passions?

Totally introspective and maybe too TMI for anybody but me to read, but is it because I have more faith in Shawners type of personality that he will do what he wants just like his Dad, and that I'm concerned about Justinbustin's personality because what if he IS like his bio father?

The funny thing is, i have nothing to worry about with either of them, Shawner's bio goes for exactly what he wants and Justin's bio goes for exactly what he wants - they are just different things.

Maybe that is what I think about with Justinbustin, that I want to make sure he has character and morals, unlike his bio, which is completely a choice and Justinbustin does make that choice over and over making the incredible man he is.

When I decided to keep Justinbustin instead of give him up for adoption I completely gave him to God and told God I couldn't do it alone. I told my parents I couldn't do it alone. And I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember if he was to have a father that was involved. And God did. So Justinbustin's is God's.

This is my prayer. Please, Lord, help me to give Justinbsutin to you daily and support Shawners passions and gifts you have given me equally. Please help me to not be defensive and protective of Justinbustin in his relationship with his Dad. Please help me to support and encourage their relationship exactly how it should be. Please help me to remember to ask Justinbustin what he thinks of their relationship so i can support his view, and to ask the same of Brando so I can support his view, and not my own view of what I think their relationship should be. Please help me to do this with Shawners and his relationship with his Dad as well as he growing up and getting to that point. Please help me continue supporting Shawners passions and gifts You have given him as I have done this week and at the same time keep supporting Justinbustins passions and gifts but with supporting Shawners as well, as well as to support Justinbustin in the adult he is becoming, and Shawners in the adult he is becoming. Please help both Brando and I to treat Justinbustin as an adult, and Shawners as well as he approaches that age, as how we treat him now is how he sees as an acceptable way to treat others. In that regard, I pray that you would give him and Shawners both the wisdom to see that it is not the only way to treat others, and I thank you for the many amazing adults in Justinbustin's life that show him alternatives to treating others. I pray the same opportunities for Shawners with people who love him and support him and show him the way we live is not the only way, and that there are many ways to love You and live Your ways other than what we choose to do. I pray that Brando and I can stop fighting like cats and dogs over petty stuff. Justinbustin's little whistle when we start nitpicking at each other breaks my heart. It's not detrimental to our relationship, but it's so stupid and just plain unnecessary. Please give us the wisdom and maturity to rise above and see the other person's need rather than the annoyance, and rise to meet the need by serving the other person. Thank you for my precious boys, and thank you for bringing Justinbsutin safely back to us from camp and his road trip and the amazing time he had, as well as the amazing time Shawners and I had here at Camp Mommy :) . As I end my prayers with the boys each night, You truly are an awesome, amazing God and we love you. Amen.

Can't sleep. Excited about tomorrow (today) and nervous about next week!

Also, my back is hurting as I haven't been diligent in wearing my tennis shoes with the inserts (because it's felt SO good so I haven't felt the need) and my whole skin is burning like a nerve issue or something. This is TMI but during fun time the other day my entire area and legs were burning so bad, and that's what my arms and legs feel like right now. So strange! Need to get back on board taking my vitamins. B12 deficiency maybe?

My Birthday Loot

Is it silly that I'm 30 and still get excited about birthday loot? No matter. I'm always be excited about birthday loot. The part that gets me the most is people who know me like the back of their hand, and sometimes know me even better than I do. This year's cache is:

*Loads of underwear from VS and Aeropostale from Brando
*A shopping spree at Macy's from Brando
*A beautiful dress from Target and a wide belt to go with it from M and Li
*Self-tanner from M (an inside gift :)

This year's birthdays events are the same kind of thing - the part that gets me most is the people who want to spend time with me:

*A shopping spree from Brando
*Birthday coffee with my sister, W
*Birthday lunch and cupcakes with Brando
*Happy hour turned into night with M and Li
*Birthday dinner at NXNW with Brando and the boys
*Kayaking Town Lake and lunch with Brando
*Dinner at BJ's Brewery with Brando
*Dinner at a new place with Shawners and Brando, then photos at a new place as well
*Pool time with Shawners

In other words, a perfect, perfect 30th birthday.

Here's to the 30s!!

My wishes for this decade:

*Start a business with Brando, have it be running well in 5 years, and have it be providing well for for the next five (and into the 40s)
*Raise my boys to be well-rounded men full of character, able to contribute back to God's work by using the gifts God has given them
*Support Brando in every way possible and learn to have a less sharp tongue
*Let go of my bitterness against siblings who get more from my parents and do less aka the prodigal son and maybe take a lesson from them and let loose a little more (that deserves a post of it's own - been thinking a lot about that lately)
*Have my own thing besides starting the business with Brando - I would love to have it be doing flowers and donating my services to missionaries, or those who serve God

Last Night in my 20s!!

Eek!! Scary!!

Glad I lived them well :) .

Shopping Spree

Brando took me on a shopping spree for my birthday today - whee!! ...and to make up for telling me Friday night that he a place he wanted to take me to... to my car.

Wanted to find pictures of the items, but I could only find similar items... the ones I got are much cuter:

Mine ties at the bottom, doesn't have the white at the top, and has a much softer and cuter floral pattern.

Mine is an olive green and super cute.

Exactly what I got, but it looks oh so much better in person. The perfect white dress to take to Greece if I were ever to go. For now, I can just pretend :) .

Mine is a deep red, and looks so much better in that color. It's gorgeous.

I also got some adorable jean cut offs with the pink striped pockets hanging down below the cut-off (finally fell for that trend - just one pair so far, though), and am getting another pair of shorts in the mail that I am crossing fingers will fit!

Things I'm Contemplating Lately

*Having another baby

*Homeschooling Shawners this coming year (he wants to, and I'd love for him to see there's another world out there other than public school)

*Gearing Shawners towards his interests and passions

*Continuing to gear Justinbustin towards his interests and passions without burning out. I keep remembering that verse in the Bible, "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

*My new niece and the relationship between her mom and dad, and as an extension, between us and her and use and her mom

*Living in California. It beats in my heart.

*Living in Texas. It holds my soul.

*Figuring out how to get back on schedule!! These 3am nights don't fit into my schedule!!

No Title Today

Back from my trip. Exhausted and finally caught up on sleep. So glad Brando pushed me out of the car to go and his Mom reminded me how much I freak out before trips and told me I would be so grateful for the memories. She was so right. I am.

Back into girl time and went to Blues on the Green with the girls last night. Worked out perfect as Brando was exhausted from picking me up from my delayed flight at 3am, and passed out as soon as he got home from work.

It's a little funny because I did get home at 3am on Wednesday and we've barely had time togehter - again tonight he was tired and exhausted. We did catch some TV shows, but our shows we watch are off right now - he's like True Blood (ew) and Games of Thrones (another ew), and I'm watching trash tv like the Bachelorette (SO glad she said f*k you, Bentley, I'm done with you - now it's actually somewhat interesting again) and Audrina (TOTAL trash tv, but still a guilty pleasure).

Feeling off with my boys. Feel like I'm nothing but on the computer lately, yet it's so HOT outside that there's not much to do. Did take Justinbustin ice skating yesterday with his youth group. Need to get out there and do some activities WITH them - ice skating, hiking, playing in the pool, Main Event maybe? I also need to get them together with some friends for the summer. Need to get back on the ball. Feels like I've dropped some since I've been gone. Sigh, such is the case with vacation!! Love that I got to see my Grandma, though. Love, LOve, LOVE that I got to see my Grandma. Need to remind myself of this next time I go on vacation - I will be grateful for the memories, and the boys WILL have a fantastic time without me (of course they did this time), and things will take a few days to get back to normal, but they will.

xo

Worn the eff out

Doing those flowers combined with dealing with the emotions of gaining a new niece who I'm not entirely sure of mostly because she is super unfriendly and none of us are sure why took everything out of me this weekend. I curled up in bed and cried for an hour Tuesday night, which got it all out, and now I'm just resting and taking it easy to get back my energy for the rest of the summer.

Katy Perry Sadness

So I may have to sell my Katy Perry concert tickets in lieu of a trip to Cali. So sadness!! Maybe I'll make some money on them, though, and fund a shopping trip in Cali ;) .

She has a new place

I can still barely contain the urge to cry, but it's a beach house, a block away from the beach. There's no crying about that! It's the perfect size for her and Brando's grandpa. And there's room for the boys to run around and go hang out at the beach - it's that close. But I still cry a little inside for the house Brando and his brother grew up in that I was *just* getting to really know (isn't it funny how you always really get to know something when it's about to be gone).

The pictures online are pretty but aren't *her*. I have to remind myself when she moves in she will make it her. Her with new things since she sold everything else, but her none the less and not somebody else's weird crap.

Still trying to fight back the urge to cry.

Had to jot this one down

SO true!

Comment on OUAL:

Your manners are way impressive. Can you share a little of your motivation? And this quote is absolutely perfect, and has been so true of so many places for us " I love companies that love their customers  -  THAT’S how you create loyalty.".

Okay seriously nothing better than margaritas at Chiptole, toasted sex with your other whose willpower to not make another baby impresses the hell out of you and reminds you of why the hell you married him, and being treated to your favorite candy of Sixlets on the way home from a failed attempt at a low cost vaccination clinic for your two slobbery crazy dogs with your little mini-man.

Drunk post. Obvs.

Ice cream in the middle of the day?

I think so.

And here I was wondering why I am SO tired. That's what I get for staying up til' 2am watching So You Think You Can Dance. On that note, man the dancers from San Francisco were WEIRD. Reminds me why I left California. Sigh. And reminds me why as much as I want to move back, I don't. I love to experience life so much that I just wouldn't stay away from all the weird stuff Cali does to my head (like one of my sister's good friends sleeping with another of their good friends husband for six years and JUST finding out; and like a Christian home-school Mom becoming an alcoholic and sleeping with her cousin - yuck, seriously; and these are people I personally know. There are normal people, too, but they usually are the ones who can afford a neighborhood out of all that junk but still close enough to be near a city, though! We'd be a renter amongst all that other crap or a little bit too far out of the city, and way far away from the beach for my liking.

Last Day of School

And I can't quite wrap my head around it. This was hands down one of the top school years the boys had. Shawner's teachers bring tears to my eyes when I think of him not being in their class anymore. Justin's awesome group of friends brings tears to my eyes when I think about them not being in the same classroom anymore.

What an incredible year.

I am so grateful.

Stuck doing dumb stuff for school

*I took a picture for the kids school and now it's printing all wonky and the girl who is taking care of framing it is relying on me to help fix it, but it can't be fixed! Ugh.

*Feeling a LOT of negativity right now.

*Wish I could cleanse my aura like Phoebe on friends ;) .

*Just stuffed down a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell because I've been eating crap food all day (pickles, Kettle Chips, Annie's Honey Grahams, broccoli), and have had no real substantial food, so even though I wasn't hungry I needed the actual food.

*Going downhill fast starting with talking to Brando's Mom today.

*Haven't set my limits on not answering the phone. Don't know why, but talking to people exhausts me, especially when I'm already stretched thin. Usually I do better and let the phone ring if I know I'm going to sound like Debbie Downer on the phone, any way, but for some reason I've been picking it up on first ring, and then still sounding like Debbie Downer. Ugh!

*On my period. Doesn't help. Started it Memorial Day! Fortunately, the effects stayed at bay until today, and only today when I let them get to me. Ergh.

*Didn't work on business stuff at all today. That really bugs me.

*Flowers are annoying as heck to do the hard part. Can't wait to get to the fun part. Still, with my outlook right now, even that is making me nervous, until I think about actually getting my hands on the flowers, that part and thought is 110% calming.

Ouch

Random scattered thoughts all having to do with getting the phone call from my mother-in-law just now saying she sold all her furniture except her bed.

*The part that hit me the hardest was that she sold the guest bed set we always stay in. Maybe because I've posted about it so much. Maybe because it was my favorite thing about going there. Maybe because it was the one thing that made her house feel like vacation.

*She talked a lot about the family moving in making it a "home" like when Brando and his brother were little and Brando's Dad and her were still lived together. It's bitchy, but I comfort myself with the fact that that didn't work out so well.

*She doesn't know where she's moving to yet.

*It all hit me at once. I knew it was coming. I knew she couldn't stay in that big ol' house forever. I knew we couldn't buy it from her. I knew we wouldn't move in with her.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for being such AHAT that this is what it's come down to. On the other hand, even if money was peachy, she probably would have moved somewhere smaller eventually any way.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for spending a million dollars on CRAP. She could've had her house paid off. She could've bought us three houses. She could've paid for college for her grandkids. Instead she bought stuff and stuff and stuff, for us, for Brando's brother, for her now ex-boyfriend. We know she hasn't spent more than $100k on us between paying off debt, buying furniture for us, and helping us out every now and then (debt was $40k of that, so in reality the other part is probably less than $30k between birthday presents, christmas presents, and helping us out over ten years), so that leaves $900k she spent on Brando's brother and her now ex-boyfriend.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for not being willing to be a loving husband while she figured out who the hell she is and how the hell to take care of finances in the first place!

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for not putting her foot down and figuring out who the hell she was inside her marriage, no matter what it took, and for not looking to outside comfort to bring her through it. Refer back to the above.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at myself for encouraging Brando to encourage her to sue his Dad for all the money he screwed her out of by 'taking care' of everything for her by using his lawyers for her stuff, then screwing the contract his lawyers came up with in the first place.

*A lot of me is really, really sad we don't have that room to go back to and we don't have Brando and his brothers childhood haunts to go back to and enjoy. It breaks my heart.

*A lot of me is really, really, really, really sad that chapter of our lives is over.

*A lot of me is wondering what the heck happens next.

*As I just told Justinbustin, I always attach myself to old memories, I tend to think the new memories will be worse because I love the old ones so much, but I forget that one day the new memories will be old and I will love them just as much.

*As I told Brando I KNEW this was all coming, and I don't get why the emotion hits me NOW of all times. Why couldn't it have hit me them so I would fight harder to not let the house go? Not that I could've done anything, but I can tend to be pretty persuasive, I could've fought it at least, not willingly gone along with it all.

*Maybe. But maybe it's all futile, and I should just look forward to the new memories that will one day be old, and enjoy the memories being made now.

Indecision

I really dislike when I get paralyzed by indecision. This weekend is full of indecision.

*Which hotel to stay at - the Westin (which has the heavenly bed, is close to our event on Sunday, and has an included breakfast buffet) or the Renaissance (which we know and love, has an indoor pool, and a heavenly sauna)

*Whether to send my boys camping with their cousin or not - Justinbustin ended up going with his friend Tebo, and I convinced Shawners to stay, thank goodness. My nephew is awesome, but a guy in his young twenties himself and last time he watched the boys they pulled out the air soft guns out of our closet and played them without permission!! I did talk to my nephew about being extra aware that they are kids and need to be guided with the decisions they make, and I talked to their babysitter who is going along with them and asked her to keep an extra eye on them,.

*Whether to stay at a hotel at all. For the same amount of money we could go jet skiing! But that wouldn't be fantastic for my back, and we wouldn't get a night away.

Seemingly stupid stuff, like:

*How to get Justinbustin from camping Saturday night to church to volunteer with the kids' ministry Sunday morning

*Whether to encourage Justinbustin's relationship with Tebo by allowing Justinbustin to hang out with him, whose parents are European and very 'free' with their lifestyle, even though Tebo seems like a great kid he already has had a ton of girlfriends at this age - although to be fair Tebo is leaving for Paris for five weeks next Wednesday so Justinbustin won't be hanging out with him half the summer

*Whether I really want Shawners to go camping tomorrow night. He can get scared at night, and he hangs all over his cousin, which is inappropriate at his age and kinda annoying (he seems to do it because his cousin doesn't care, but I do care, and I don't want him doing it - totally remind myself of my parents right now tell my kids to stop hanging on their babysitter)

*Whether we'll have fun at the wine and music festival Sunday since we don't even drink wine!!! They have beer, too, but we don't drink beer either!! Brando has a really nasty reaction to beer (maybe cause of the wheat?) and I get a headache just like with wine. Good thing Chipotle and their margaritas are across the street (altho Brando reacts a little to those, too - I certainly don't :) ! Not yet, any way, and it better darn well stay that way! I try not to od on them so it does)

*How much to work on this wedding without ignoring the business Brando and I are starting, PSD that I've been working on pretty intensely lately, and my family besides.

*And this has nothing to do with anything going on this weekend - but in general whether to start yoga or not! I'm working on putting my body first physically (I went to the spa this weekend, and the minute my foot started hurting on Wednesday I made an acupuncture appointment and chiropractor appointment for the next morning - no more putting up with pain 'expecting' it to go away!), but exercise is the one thing I haven't ever given priority to - it's always just come along with having little ones, but I don't have little ones any more and it needs to be a priority. I don't want to spend the yoga for money, and that's the part I need to get over and put my body first physically!

Busy time of life

{{ahhhhhh}}

Trying to keep balls in air.

Trying to stay sane and not lose *all* my friends while doing so.

Doing it all

You know those people who seem like they can do it all? I totally feel like one of those people right now and really need to keep my bearings straight.

I offered to do the flowers for my nephew's wedding, and unbeknownst to me until last week, was taken up on it. I am SO excited for it. However, it is a LOT of work. I'm loving it, but at the same time I am losing focus on the business!! I need to set aside time to work on the flowers, and use that time alone and not let it leak over into the business. For those of you who know me, which, if you've been reading this blog o' mine, you do :) , I hyper focus on whatever it is I'm working on. Fortunately, the wedding is next month, so once it is over I will once again be able to hyper focus on the business. However, I have been hyper focusing on the flowers enough, that hopefully the majority of it will be over this Wednesday, and in the meantime I can continue to put all my energy into the business. Rhythm, R*se, remember, rhythm.

OMG

So. freakin. bored. This gray weather always gets me SO moody. Justinbustin has a deadline for Boy Scouts tonight and every single time the organization of it all drives me BONKERS which isn't helping.

All In a Day's Work

Yesterday, I...

*held a meeting to discuss wedding flowers

*dropped off a school lunch

*hosted four ladies for lunch to discuss the rest of said wedding

*had a business meeting with my business mentor

*picked my boys up from school

*acted as a water victim for my first-class boy scout to rescue

*worked for three hours while I had four boys in my home 

*drove my son to a youth group event

*had a business meeting with Brando while playing frisbee with our son

I'm loving...

working backwards from right now...

*that my boys are total geeks watching Prototype This

*that Justinbustin had the biggest grin on his face when we came home from our date that said I found a new super geeky show to love

*that my hubby took me on a date to get my craving - a Chipotle margarita and was totally okay with my drunk arse blabbering off one margarita (oh, Chipotle, you do me so well)

*that my hubby took my comment about wanting to "high-school makeout" (thanks, Teagan, for that ;) to the max

*that my hubby was watching the clock last night to make sure he could make it last as long as he could

*that I *did* feel like I was in high-school last night lol

*that I could feel that way after ten years of marriage

*that I was listening to the dance/hip hop radio station that I normally listen to today thinking "those were the days" but today I was thinking "that was last night"

Inadequate

This morning we have a locksmith out replacing our car key for a whopping $250. We lost the key Friday night, and though it's in the house somewhere it's just not realistic to go without a car for any length of time, especially with the price of gas and having to drive Brando back and forth to work. We've only had one key since we got the car five years ago, so it was bound to happen sometime.

Talking to the locksmith we had an interesting conversation about the cost of kids rising as they get older. SO TRUE. I realized this yesterday when thinking about the cost of band for Justinbustin coming up this school year. $25-70/month for the instrument are you KIDDING me? The locksmith started off talking about his 15 year old son who wants a car as soon as he turns 16. He told his kid pretty much good luck with that. You can share mine, but I need it when I need it, or we can buy a $200 fixer-upper. The kid, of course, wants something that runs and looks cool. All I was thinking about was Justinbustin is already counting down the days til he turns fifteen - three years to be exact. Then, this locksmith guy just informed me that dance for girls is ridiculous. He said they pay $500/costume for three one-night performances a year. *jaw drop* Seriously?! We're practically paying a college education for these kids on sports and extra-curricular before they are even in high school.

On the flip side, though, the reason I want him to do these things and thus come up with the money to do it is so they'll WANT to go to college. So they'll see all these opportunities out there, stay motivated doing them, and actually have the desire and the motivation and the follow-thru to go to college.

This cost of everything really scares me, though. We hardly have the money to pay for anything now. How are we going to have it then? Starting this business is one way, and I pray it goes through the growing pains and blossoms into more than sufficient income in three years, because I don't want to be in this spot in three years. I want to be able to match the income Justinbustin makes to buy him his own car. Heck, I want to be able to buy him his own car, but still have him match the amount or even buy his own. I want to be able to help get him started with college. Oh, man, I really need to think about this, and start putting him on the path of paying for his own college if that's the route we are going to go. Any parents ever gone bankrupt/ruined due to paying for their kids' college? I definitely don't want to be in that boat. I want to be able to afford it, but then teach him how to go and pay for it as well.

fb

...wonders what everybody's obsession is with everybody knowing where they are all the time.

I haven't updated my status fb with where I am in way too long, and if I do, it's *after* I've done it. Not before or during.

Maybe I've lost the art of anticipation.

Maybe I want a little privacy.

Maybe I don't care what others think about where I am or what I'm doing.

Maybe I just want to get it done instead of talking about it.

It's probably that last one.

Or maybe I'm having to refind myself now that I'm not relying on my girlfriends' support four out of seven days of the week. When I do hang out with them now I get this huge burst of energy, followed by a down low where I have to reget used to focusing on family.
Lately I've heard about living life in rhythm, instead of in balance. I've yet to figure it out.

Maybe it's more simple than that.

Maybe I just get bored with things that are social norms.

And I'm bored with fb.

Maybe.

Doing it Again

There's something about when PSD gets a TON of comments that freaks me out a little. I am so personable that I don't like not being able to respond personally to each comment. I've fixed that a little in that I respond to all of the comments at once. Usually I start to freak out and start posting super personal stuff as posts, though, which, let's face it, is sometimes a lot of blither (which is why it's now here). I realize it scares people away, and so I do it. This time my sister pointed out to me that bad stress is the same amount of good stress and just like bad stress where we push through, do what we have to do, not care what others think, find out who our true friends are, and make it through, we have to push through, do what we have to do, not care what others think, find out who our true friends are, and make it through with good stress, too. Getting a lot of comments is good stress. And obviously what I've been working towards as an experiment for what is going to work with our business site. Now that I've had a little bit of success, it's time to start outlining what worked and what didn't. What made a difference, and what made no difference. It's time to take the next step and move it towards the business, while still maintaining and experimenting with PSD. Which is kind of scary. I can be really bad about taking the next step. One thing I noticed when I home-schooled the boys was I really, really wanted to drill everything into them until they knew it like the back of their hand. I didn't want to move them on, past what I was currently teaching them. Which is stifling. You don't learn anything new that way. But I do it with myself. I want to stay in one place where I'm comfortable and not push out of the cocoon to the next stage. But if I think about it, that's not truly what I want to do. I want to go to the next stage. I can't wait to see what it brings. I want to move forward.

Comment on Moving

I feel you. The difference between me and you, though, is you were EXCITED about this move. I wasn't. The few things that helped me get settled, though, may help you even more since you actually are excited. The things that got me settled the most quickly were, one, making sure to do the same things we did in the old house--strange, quirky things, like watching tv shows in bed at night while eating ice cream, having Sunday be a family day, going bike riding - things we do normally but that get thrown off kilter and forgotten about but still desperately needed in the hustle of a move. A second thing that would've helped had I done it, but I didn't do it the entire year we were there because I didn't want to be there, was decorate and make it feel comfortable immediately. Make sure to have the same or new cozy type of spots you had in the old place. A third thing that I didn't do until way too late, but did end up making happy memories in the place was make new traditions--find new nearby places to walk to or drive to that are different from the old places you walked to and drove to but are just as unique and enjoyable. Finally, scout all the eating places in a one mile radius. We tend to eat out a lot and a few times we ended up driving fifteen minutes away to near our old place to eat solely because we didn't scout out the places near us and when it got time to eat, we were too cranky to do it. If I think of more, I'll let you know! So glad you asked, I've been meaning to write this down, and now that I have, I will save it for a post : ) !