A simple, stupid thing was the straw on the camel's back that sent me spiraling down. The boys woke up this morning and asked if they could watch a movie on netflix through the tv. Brando said no. I told Brando I usually let them if they have everything done. So Brando said, "If you have everything done, then go ahead." Shawners had everything done like the organized little boy he is, but of course Justinbustin didn't. So when I got up to take them to school I asked Justinbustin if he'd brushed his teeth and he said, "Yes, well, yes. No." So then I harped on him for lying and the morning went downhill from there. He brushed his teeth, but then we were about to be late to drop them off for school, and sped out the door while he forgot his poster that's due today. It was actually due a week ago but he got an extension because of our trip. We are in the midst of trying to make sure he makes his own choices this week with school work and keeping track of everything and now I feel like I've let him down by taking him back home to get his poster.
It went way too far down from there and I got stuck in the guilty spiral that led me to lashing out at him, at Brando, at myself, which all led to the sobs. This on top of the pain I'm STILL feeling in my back and my arm. Today I feel like I just want to take muscle relaxants and sleep and not feel the pain for once. Of course, I'm not going to. I hate putting drugs in my body. But in the meantime my body is tense and stressed because I am sick of feeling the pain. At this point I don't know if I am in as much pain as I used to be in and I'm just working through it because the chiro tells me it's okay pain, or I'm just sore and this will get better. I don't know, and it overwhelms me.
And I'm worried I'm doing Justinbustin wrong by being so hard on him about academia. Academia is stupid if you don't have morals and character. His biological father was brilliant, and a genius. But he had no character, and therefore he has no impact, he is nothing. I'm worried I'm not building Justinbustin's character by coming down hard on him about schoolwork. At the same time, his teacher rated him 'poor' for taking responsibility for his own decisions on Monday, so I wonder if I make too many excuses for him out of fear that he will become what I despised about his biological. I wonder if I perpetuate the problem by taking responsibility myself for anything he does wrong instead of just letting him learn from his mistakes.
I'm on the fence and don't know which side to jump to. I feel like one side has angry pit bulls and the other side has angry Dobermans. I don't know which side is the wise choice.
I want him to take responsibility for his own choices, but I DON'T want him to think schoolwork is important above all else. A family is important above all else, and that's it. Nothing else. His poster he forgot today was for a project where he helped a family out this weekend by moving rocks and piles of dirt to create a water barrier for the mother's bedroom because it got flooded in the tropical storm we had last year. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom because the room flooded from water which got trapped underneath and the resulting mold was making her sick. So Justinbustin helped move dirt and rocks to finish up a previous group volunteer effort to protect the area when rains come again so that the room didn't flood again. I AM SO EFFEN PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT. These are the things that matter. Not his stupid teacher saying he doesn't take responsibility for his decisions. He takes responsibility for that. Okay, I am going to lunch with him today and telling him these things. And apologizing again for the awful thing I said to him this morning.
So I remember I need to remember the silver linings to all this. And I sobbed thinking of having to deal with the pain, these tough decisions, the aftermath whatever it is and will be, and all the while remember the silver linings.
The silver linings of my back: my arm is better!! After months of occupational therapy that fortunately didn't cost me hundreds of dollars unfortunately like this chiropractor is costing me, but also didn't work, my arm is better after seeing the chiropractor FINALLY. I didn't ever think life was going to feel semi-normal again with my arm, and now it has.
The silver linings of going through this growing pains with Justinbustin: Middle school *crossing fingers* should be easier if we can get this figured out in fifth grade. Just please God don't let me sabotage the process as long as it will build his character.
The silver linings of feeling like I'm constantly in pain: maybe the end is in sight? It's always so difficult and new in the beginning of everything and there's a very big push that has to happen to get through it, but it seems like the same thing happens in the end as well and you have to push through it. Maybe I have to push through this.
The silver lining of my arm: I stopped wasting time volunteering when I needed to be volunteering for my own family and for our own business.
Another silver lining of my back: In addition to my arm, when my back happened on top of it all, I realized I needed to stop wasting so much time with friends and invest that time with my family and our business. I say wasting time, but really, I just mean I'm learning, as my chiro says, "the power of no". I had to learn the power of no when I started hanging out with girlfriends - telling Brando no, and myself no to hanging out so much with him and saying yes to hanging out with girlfriends. Brando didn't care, but I did. And I reaped the rewards a hundredfold. Now, I have to learn the power of saying no to hanging out with girlfriends, and saying yes to hanging out with Brando and investing in our family and our business. Crossing fingers I reap the rewards of that as well.
Another silver lining of my back: I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. My abs are rock hard, and I've been running for the first time in my life. I don't know if I'm just working through the pain and it's really still the same or if I'm just sore from everything I've been doing and it's pain I'll get better from, but, regardless, I've never been in such good shape. It feels awesome, and I look awesome in the mirror.
The silver linings of going through this deep, dark place: I have all these realizations as a result. I have a thought of going to lunch with first Justinbustin, then Shawners, and making things right. I came up with a way to move forward from this deep, dark place, and with my day. This is something I usually am not able to do right away when this starts. I allowed myself to sob this morning, and put a pillow over me so that the neighbors didn't hear it, and that was cleansing as I thought through all these thoughts and came here to let them rest on paper so I can move forward to this day, and from this place.
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