Decluttering Heaven

So for the first time Justinbustin and I cleaned his room today without any meltdowns. Really, it's a testament to his maturity, because I still almost melted down. Right after he said he thought I should take a break and I didn't take take a break, which is the funny part. But I didn't melt down. Thank goodness. He is finally mature enough not to cry, whine, and complain when I throw his junk away. He is such a little pack rat, and we are trying so hard to bring him out of that. Today, I threw away three kitchen garbage bags full of trash out of his room, and three and a half kitchen trash bags full of clothes. Keep in mind his room is the size of a closet (mostly because it is a closet, but a very large closet and one that he'd prefer to have as his room than share a room with his brother). There were still boxes in there that he hadn't unpacked from our move back in June. Which is where all the clothes were that his brother and him had been complaining about that they didn't have. Any way it is so clean and it is strange how light and airy it makes me feel in the rest of the house. The rest of the house where I can't even see his room! I've been on a decluttering rampage lately -- my bedroom, the office/lobby, the living room, the shoe area, the garage -- and taking before and after photos because seeing the before once I've gotten to the after is so motivating and rewarding. It's been SO easy to keep clean, and SO easy to quickly declutter now that I've got the deep clean and declutters out of the way. Granted, it's still not decorated (especially our bed, which needs an overhaul), but it still feels put together and therefore is motivating to keep it looking as neat as it is. This just felt like the final straw of decluttering and it makes my heart smile and feel light.

Clusterf...

This weekend has turned out to be a bit of a cluster faux pas. Originally I had a girls' weekend to go to, so the boys had planned a sleepover in my absence. Because, let's face it, I'll go nuts having more than four boys in close proximity to me in a two bedroom apartment. When my girls' weekend had to be cancelled due to an emergency, all of a sudden I was left with the prospect of having seven boys in my two bedroom apartment with me!!! Enter instant panic mode.

Originally I had thought the weekend would go back to the way it would've been had I been staying in town - Justinbustin off on a camping trip, and to a youth group event, Brando and I would have our much needed for me date night Saturday evening, we'd have a lazy Sunday and that'd be it.

Only Justinbustin had already called all of his friends, and instead of me just saying what I wanted, I was trying to be nice and beating around the bush by not saying I CAN'T HANDLE SEVEN BOYS IN A TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT AND IT'S TOO LATE OF NOTICE FOR ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT ELSEWHERE! Eventually, Brando did come to that conclusion through my freaking out about EVERYthing (sorry, honey).

And the compromise was he'll have his birthday party next week - we'll barbeque to keep them mostly out of the house in evening, then taking them kayaking in the morning to get them out of the house early. Whew. He didn't end up going camping, which is fine, and he will go to the youth group event this evening, and possibly have one friend go with him and possibly spend the night.

A good compromise, and after talking to my KT this morning, I finally have my head screwed back on straight. I was giving her boyfriend advice and realized I needed to take it for myself! We both laughed when I realized that and decided we weren't going to let stressors keep us from enjoying our weekend.

So I promptly got off the phone with her and mapped out an afternoon of visiting local wineries with Brando (my stressor being not having time with Brando this weekend and him not setting time aside for me this weekend). We may not do it, but at least if we do get the time together we'll have something to do together that will fill up my needed time with Brando quota extremely well!

Dear Life,

Refocusing on Brando and the boys, thank you for opening my eyes to many things, one of which my main blog sort of feels like a friend I need to focus on less. I love dumping my thoughts here, because there's hardly any readership (and I love all that do read here!), but dumping my thoughts there seems too vulnerable. And organizing my thoughts in a sane manner takes too much energy. I may save you, dear blog, for pictures of trips and call it good over there. It's been fun to revamp, though, and try new things. That, above all, I believe, showed me that it's not worth my energy over there.

Stores, thank you for all the GORGEOUS summer clothes out! I went crazy town at forever 21 and can't wait to model my new wardrobe for Brando on dates.

Summer, how can you be so near? I can't believe this may actually be the last summer that Justinbustin will sorta do what I want because he has to. Fortunately, he loves outdoor activity as much as I, so that means I have an adventure buddy!

Girls weekend, I am so sad, you didn't work out. I can't wait til' you do!

My own weekend, I am kinda relieved that I can make you happen now. Justinbustin will get to go camping, go to a special event Saturday, and the boys won't have to be left alone Friday afternoon and Saturday morning.

Pool, why don't I go to you more often? Your sun rays were absolutely glorious yesterday and left the perfect tan line that I'm still olive oiling to get rid of the burn. Your water is still cool and refreshing.

Brando, thank you for being so awesome at figuring out new strategies. I can't believe the school changing the way parents could pick up could give me anxiety attacks! Thank you for relieving those by figuring out a new way to easily pick up the boys, and a way that they love, in an instant.

Boys, you are incredible when given responsibility. My prayer is that you will find ways to rise above, be a leader, and find your own things to be responsible for even when you aren't given responsibility.

KT, thank you for being my bestie. For sticking with me through thick and thin. For noticing my irritation yesterday, and not saying a thing, but simply showing up in your bathing suit with a towel and inviting me to go to the pool just so you could be silent and hear me vent. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know something is bothering me, and also knowing me well enough to not question me about it, but simply be there for me and let me tell you in my own time. You are amazing, and I don't know what I did to deserve your amazingness. I don't think I did anything, I think you just are that person and I'm so glad I know you.

Conversation between Brando and I

Me: Hey Brando, what would you think of...

Brando: Yes

Me: Okay. Yay! ... Would you like to know what you agreed to?

Brando: Probably something that will cost more money than we have, and something that I will enjoy doing but wouldn't think about doing in the first place.

Me: Um, yes, actually. Exactly. ... Would you like to know the details of what you agreed to?

Brando: Sure.

Me: You agreed to go to NYC for my 30th birthday.

Brando: Yup, I was right on. I should get an award for that. I was so right on.

Happy birthday, honey!

Not planning anything for Brando's birthday went pretty well after all - hanging out with friends two nights in a row, paddle boarding, and a mani/pedi for me. Who knew not planning could be so rewarding?

I Love the Mornings I Wake Up In Love with My Husband All Over Again

I'm loving about my husband...

*Going to a meeting with the principal of the middle school, irritated that I'm a little late, and being totally taken off-guard and breaking into a huge smile when I walk in and see my husband already sitting there, saving a spot for me in the front. Made me feel so special to be one of the only moms with a dad there, too, and one of the few dads there period, and to slide right in next to him and not feel like "the late person" cause I already had my man there.

*Having him say to me I look adorable as we walk out. I told him I was hoping he had noticed when I walked in.

*Having him Brando realize exactly the question I was asking the principal who didn't understand it, and then having Brando explain it to me, and hearing the other parents hear him as well and go "Ooooh, we were totally confused, too" only they were too afraid to speak up and say so like I did

*Walking out and talking to the middle school counselor and telling her that her site is awesome because almost all of the information I got this morning I had already seen on her site and telling her I was going to figure out how to get it emailed to me like she had mentioned somebody was able to do but she didn't do, then hearing Brando say "Oh, yeah, the RSS feed you were talking stands for (blah, blah, blah, I already forgot) and is real easy to do, you can have it update automatically" even though the counselor hadn't mentioned RSS feed at all, she only mentioned that somebody was able to get the updates from her site sent to them via email and she didn't know how they did it. I love that he put two and two together and automatically figured it out. He's so sexy smart.

*Brando figuring out someone was stealing our internet and figured out exactly how to keep them from doing it ie unplugging our wireless router and modem every night and shutting down the computers instead of leaving them plugged in and the computer on like we normally do. No problems since!

*Love having a techie in the house. It's incredibly sexy.

Am I the Only One Who Doesn't Like to Drink on Vacation?

Maybe it's because I seriously dislike the low energy a hangover gives me, but I can't remember the last time I really wanted to get plastered on vacation. I definitely had a few glasses of wine in Santa Cruz last time I was there, but it was Pinot Noir (no hangover for me) and it was the first and last time I did it while there. I didn't realize the glasses were so huge! Oops. A few years back when B and I were in Hawaii, a friend wanted to "drunk bond" over St. Patty's Day, which I totally understood and gave effort, but totally ended up under drinking, if there is such a thing. Still, I was up at 9am snorkeling the next day! I guess I'd rather save my energy for activities than use it on a night out. Fortunately, when I DO go out and DO want to drink, I have my trusty vodka and soda water with lime (thanks, Alli), and Pinot Noir (thanks random wine connoisseur who told me I was allergic to tannins) that give me minimal to no hang over. That vodka soda water carried me over for a fantastic Halloween celebration of dancing all night long last year. Wonder how my back would hold up for dancing now, as it's not completely healed?

Shift of Focus

I've talked about this before, but my focus has recently shifted from time with my girls, to time with my husband, boys, and our business. It has been interesting to observe what this shift in focus has done. I've discovered I've always been the energy behind my friendships - I'm the one doing the inviting, suggesting plans, thinking of new things to do, and making sure we get together regularly. After being in bed for four weeks, realizing my focus was shifting, and becoming honest with myself through many talks with KT and then, in turn, with my girlfriends about my focus shifting and where I'm at, it's fun to see the turnaround. All of a sudden my girlfriends are stepping up to the plate and asking ME to do things, and making times for ME to meet them places. I can understand why they leaned on me for so long. It's so EASY to say yes when someone else is doing all the work of figuring out where to go, what time, and what day. It's fun being on this end.

By the way, when I say starting a business with Brando, I mean figuring out what the heck running a business is all about. The actual business part is quite a ways away.

Worst Movie Ever

DO NOT GO SEE YOUR HIGHNESS. Seriously, worst movie EVER. It actually makes me think less of Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel that they would agree to do such a tasteless movie. After seeing James Franco at the Oscars looking super super stoned, he already lost my interesting actor vote, so it didn't really phase me much to have him in this film (if you can call it that). The perverted, disgusting, straight up WRONG jokes in this film weren't even as my husband mentioned well-timed to be funny. Every other word was the f bomb, and you know how people say people who use the f word aren't smart enough to come up with another word? It literally sounded that way in this film. Film writer one to film writer two, "What line should we put here?" Film writer two to film writer one, "I have no idea. Just put f.", then repeat that times a billion.

The whole film appeared as if it was trying way too hard to be the next Monty Python and it failed. Miserably.

Biggest waste of time EVER.

BUT it was fun to go see a movie during the day with Brando on his day off, even if it was a total waste of a movie. We went to Alamo Drafthouse which serves food, alcohol, and drinks, and had coke (for him), cherry vanilla italian soda (for me), and shared a red pepper hummus, veggie, and pita plate. Yum!

Reeling

It's been a bit of a crazy weekend.

Justinbustin went to a birthday party sleepover last night and watched his first rated R movie. Insert screams here. SERIOUSLY. The only reason I'm aware of this is because I was there hanging out with Brando and the parents and the dad comes out to their saltwater spa and says some kid (some "kid" being another of Justinbustin's friend, who I'm so proud of for speaking up and leaving before the movie started, he's another good kid) was asking what the movie was rated. The dad told him he didn't know, but the kid said his parents would want to know, and so the dad told him to just tell his parents he was watching Bambi. Insert expletive here. Who tells a kid to freakin' lie to their parents?!!?

At that point, I went inside to watch whatever Justinbustin was watching so I could talk to him about what he was watching afterwards. I wasn't going to pull him away and have him be uncomfortable at school next week as I'd already said he could spend the night, but I darn well was going to know what he was watching. It was The Killers with Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl. So not appropriate for an eleven year old with violence every second, talk about sex, and "nice boobs" as one of the ELEVEN YEAR OLDS commented until Justinbustin's friend who's birthday party it was says, "Justinbustin's Mom is right here." and turns around and looks at me. Fortunately, he (the birthday boy) is a good kid and kept looking back at me, like, 'I know you're not okay with that' until finally he says "Hi" and I give him a terse smile and say hi back. Justinbustin was looking back at me, too, and I gave him a look of 'you know I'm not okay with this, but I'm not going to be that mom that pulls you out of this situation and takes you home when I already said you could spend the night'. I did pull him aside to inform him this was his first rated R movie he's ever seen and make sure he could handle it without nightmares that evening. He said he was fine. Ughhhhhh.

The conversation leading up to me going in to see what the boys were watching wasn't much better. The parents are from Europe (by the way, I'm not judging, they are fantastic people, they just come from a TOTALLY different culture and one I don't agree with!! to each their own, but it doesn't mean I have to live that way) and are totally okay with sex. The Mom was talking about how their sixteen year old daughter (another fantastic kid) and their boyfriend have sex and they totally don't care and are okay with it - that they would rather have her do that than drugs and alcohol. As far as the rated R movie, they said they'll see it all on the computer any way, there's no filter there. I was like, "Like hell there's not. I have Safe Eyes on my computer." They joked that I have it for Brando, too, which was kind of insulting to tell the truth like I'm supposed to parent Brando?? But I was like, "Oh, no, we dealt with that a loooooong time ago." and we did.

Ugh, now that I'm writing this out, I see it for what it is. Yeah, I think they're fantastic people, but as far as their opinions, they can shove it where the sun don't shine. After this conversation, the Mom proceeds to jump down my throat about how I should think long and hard about if I want another baby (I guess Brando mentioned this to her because she started jumping down my throat as soon as I came back), that if all I want is to hold and cuddle a baby I should just get a puppy like they're puppy. WTF?! Screw you, lady. You don't know me from Adam. You don't know ANYthing about me. And you don't know that I went through five years of not wanting to be around babies because I was so tired of being needed 24/7. You have no idea that me wanting another child is a miracle, and that me wanting to have another blessing is another miracle, and that I've made a complete 360 and see children for the incredible blessing they are and am SO SAD I didn't have more when I was younger and want to make up for it now. Screw her for comparing that to getting a puppy - that's like Brando's Mom telling us we wanted to play house when we got married (part of the reason I moved 2400 miles away!) - she's since had a different view, but who was this lady from Adam to compare me wanting to have another child to getting a flippin' puppy. Then I tell her we have considered adopting as well (don't know why I told her that - she didn't need to know crap at this point), and she proceeds to tell me that it's normal for a mother to want to adopt because they have enough love for all children, but it's different for the dad, it's not natural. I laughed, and said, "That's not true with Brando."

I'm definitely proud of my in-your-face responses to her completely unwelcome "advice" when this is the second time I've hung out with her. I will give her the fact that she was a little toasty (as was Brando - oh my word, I had to carry that boy home), so I will give her another chance. But I am going to keep my guard up. I am way too susceptible to strong-willed people and tend to let their opinions worm into my heart. I am so, so, SO glad I wrote this out to see that she was doing the same thing. That's the kind of advice you give a best friend after you've known them for years and know if that's truly the case with them or not. In this case, one, she's not even a close friend, and, two, she doesn't know the first thing about me and hadn't asked before dispensing advice.

Edited to add: I just vented this whole post to Brando and realized that's not even a close or best friend's advice -- as my best friend from childhood, Kammi, asked me over and over before we had Shawners, "Are you SURE you want to do this? Are you SURE you want to do this?" She never once told me what I SHOULD do, she just made sure this is what I wanted and then backed me 100% plus. THAT is the kind of advice a best friend gives.

Another thing to add to the stressor list: people who dispense advice and tell me what I should do when they don't know the first thing about me and don't bother to ask me questions to get to know me. Edited to add: Regardless of whether they know me or not, add to the stressor list people who tell me what I should do. Regardless of whether I've asked for their input, I don't know a single one of my true friends who WOULD tell me what I should do. They'd only offer their thoughts, experience, insights, or tell me to do it if they knew I need to hear it and have asked them to tell me it -- like getting rid of crap, lol, but not ever with what I should do with my personal beliefs, relationships, or actions.

Ahhhh, that feels good to write and get off my chest.

Edited to add: Holy #@$@ I just keep thinking of more. She also made fun of our vow renewal - it didn't help Brando was drunk adding on to the story and running on about small details about our first wedding that made no difference but no matter - she was like, "Oh, you promise to love him forever now?" I told her that it meant a lot to us, that we told each other what the last ten years have meant to us and that we love each other even more now (again, no idea why I told her any of this information - it was none of her business and she certainly didn't ask about any of it) and she was like, "Nooo, you don't love each other more now." What the hell, lady? Have you lived my life the past ten years? F*ck no, you haven't. Lol, Brando could tell I'm really angry because I dropped a lot of f bombs in my vent. He tried to get me to stop with the f bombs, but I told him, no, I have to get this off my chest.

And now I'm realizing I need coffee with my KT. She always makes me feel better about how crazy people can be in this world. And just thinking of having coffee with her makes me smile :) .

Edited to add: The more I think about this, I realize I'm angry at myself for not recognizing this kind of thinking off the bat. This is what I should've recognized right away with this couple and with this lady (two people I'm sure I wrote posts about, but don't really care enough to go find those posts right now) and didn't for a long time. And now I'm angry at myself for not recognizing it with this lady right away. But, hey, the next day isn't bad! I'm glad at least for that! And now I have a key clue to tell myself to watch out for these kind of people and keep my distance immediately: when they start telling me what I should do, instead of encouraging me, asking about me, sharing about themselves, and becoming a friend, a supporter, an encourager, and allowing me to be the same for them.

Sweetness

Brando set up the office today to be able to have both our computers in here. Mine faces one wall, and his faces a make-shift wall. As we're both sitting on our computers - him doing whatever, and me leaving a comment on a blog I hear in a quiet voice almost to where I'm not sure who he's talking to, "God, you're cute." and I turn my head (as I'm sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest and one arm between my knees to reach the keyboard, all I had to do was turn my head) and see him looking back over his shoulder staring at me as he said that. I'm totally giddy in love from these moments. They happen all the time, but I don't usually happen to be sitting in front of a computer to write them down. Need to start writing them down more. Love, love them.

Stressor Triggers

During a fabulous breakfast and heart-to-heart with Li (at my house - I'll have to post later on why that's a big deal), she suggested writing down all my stressors on paper so they stop floating around in my head triggering a stress response when they happen. Apparently she had done it a few months ago and it really helped, even when they were things that she thought other people thought might be stupid or didn't matter. It helped just to get it out of her head so she doesn't have to think about them all the time and try and keep track of them. So I wrote down my own list of stressor triggers - from one that happened while she was here, to the mundane, to the overwhelming, to the scary. And it helped get it out of my head. And now I don't think about them all the time. Or when I do, it's when they happen and I think, "Oh, there's one of my stressor triggers." Or, if one happens and I don't have it written down, I think - usually right away or right after I've reacted, "Oh, there's a stressor trigger. I can write that down."

-Kids making grandiose statements that trigger a knee jerk reaction (this was the one that happened with Liana here)
-Two bedrooms with four people
-Clutter in house
-Insults from Brando (before you go off here, this is not straight out 'you're a bitch' insults - rather insults at characteristics of mine that are different than his and get him to stretch his boundaries - I've learned recently to tell him he better darn well appreciate those because I'm GOOD at it)
-Not sure if friends are still there (since I'm refocusing my priorities and time spent on them)
-Worried whether back will get better
-My arm being sore
-Feeling like on a hamster wheel of life
-Organization or lack thereof
-Not having time, especially face to face time, with Brando
-Phone calls
-Group events
-Sitting or standing for long periods
-Finances or lack thereof
-Being away from family in Cali
-Not having a plan whenever we leave the house for an activity
-Hearing friends vents
-Hearing friends tragedies
-Kammi's brother dying
-KT's Mom dying
-Li's nanny dying
-Friend of Windy's dying
-Ashley's family & friends dying
-Not sure how to start the business
-Returning the GAP clothes I meant to exchange
-Paying large amounts for dates
-Lifting & pulling things
-Weight gain
-Grocery shopping
-Diet
-Hidey selling her house
-Not being able to go back to Hidey's the way it was again
-Not being sure where Hidey will move
-Not being sure if there will be a comfortable place for us to stay at her place
-Justinbustin not adding detail when asked a question
-Justinbustin apologizing instead of adding detail when asked what he was thinking

My Body Tells Me No-o But I Won't Quit

My new mantra. I wrote out a list of things chiropractic care has and hasn't done for me. Teagan's comment over on PSD gives me a little hope, but I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. So does the fact that the pain seems to be coming back mean that I am closer to recovery, or farther away? Still confused on that part. But not on the rest of this. I wrote down this list of what chiropractic care has and hasn't done for me so that I can walk in there on Monday and say here is what I still need, and here is what I don't need and not be an effen basket case and ball of tears like I was on Friday. Poor guys probably didn't know what to do with themselves when I kept going into the bathroom to try and make myself stop crying.

What chiropractic care has done:

-Improved my outlook

-Improved my mobility - able to sit in funky positions like I normally do; able to lay on stomach most times; able to sit with feet under me; able to lay on Brando to fall asleep again

-Improved my functioning - able to do simple household functions: laundry, picking up

-Gave me a desire to exercise more and for awhile ability ie running

-Given me 'moments' of normal where I don't think about the pain in my back

-Given me completely natural, way more than comfortable posture when standing & sitting

-Improved my arm immensely more than 3 months of occupational therapy

-Given me ability to text in small amounts without burning pain

-Taken away excruciating pain thus taking away the need for advil & most times muscle relaxants

What chiropractic care hasn't done:

-Take away the nagging, aching constantly changing pain along my spine, neck, & lower back

-Take away the overall feeling of abnormal 'something's wrong'

-Take away the pain of standing for more than 5 minutes at a time ie the pressure of standing on my spine

-Take away the pain & uncomfortableness of sitting more than a half hour at a time

-Show me the cause

-I'm a huge cause person so I can fix it or be fixed

-Take away arm pain completely - generally entire arm aches now instead of burning or tightness in forearm which makes me think it's moving away from a nerve issue

-Take away the feeling like I need to distract from the pain which I DON'T like - ate spicy tacos, drank margie to avoid taking muscle relaxants - DON'T want to be at that point

I want Cand-y!

Which is what Shawners is singing after seeing Hop - cutest movie ever. According to Shawners, the best movie ever and his new favorite movie. Brando and I introduced him to the Alamo tonight. It was so cute - he was so worried that he'd be the only kid there (he was), but the Maine Root Beer ice cream float on the top of the cute before show shows they put on including a Walt Disney easter movie, muppets, and a Snoopy Easter cartoon made up for it I'm pretty sure.

Shawners says he wants to listen to that song "I want cand-y." over and over so he can remember the words. Hehe. Ironic that their website is iwantcandy.com.

Oh, and Russell Brand, Katy Perry's husband, made an appearance because he was the voice of the bunny! So fun. Have to look up his comedy now and hope it's decent.

Power of Positive Thinking

I started a book my Aunt recommended to me when Brando and I had dinner with them in Pebble Beach. She had four books sitting in her house in Pismo that she said we could take, and even though Brando said to, I felt bad taking them and left them for others to enjoy and I would order them on Amazon. The other reason I left them is because they were hardcover, and I'm not one to get comfy with a hard cover book. Any way, I kinda wish I had at least written down the titles because I couldn't remember them! My Aunt did email me one of the titles and it is "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale and mentioned she was introduced to Dr. Peale in her twenties when she was starting out in what they do (very successfully now, by the way) and have followed along his many, many writings since. Another reason I was hesitant to take the books is 'cause I've read a lot of positive thinking articles and so much of it is hype. Okay, yeah, I need to think positively. HOW? I read the all positive reviews online and a lot of them talked about how the book is a guide to living the Christian life which intrigued me. I'm all over that.

So far the first chapter is interesting. Some of it makes me think of what "The Secret" might be about (haven't read that one), but one thing I love is it incorporates key Bible verses to memorize and repeat over and over to yourself. Almost obsessively. Which is perfect, because I can be obsessive. One that I love so far is, "If God is for us, who can be against us." I love that, absolutely love that.

I grew up reading the Bible, having verses around the house on the walls (my favorite was "We will rise up with wings like eagles..."), and having my Mom memorize chapters and chapters for much of my teenage life. It was her way of staying married to my Dad without actually having to talk to him. Now they are silly lovey doveys, I memorized a few chapters but honestly got pretty burnt out after waking up at 4am for bible studies and getting in trouble if we fell asleep. My parents look back now and realize how silly it was, but they were serious at the time and it was quite overwhelming to an eleven year old.

The fact that this book is offering little verses to tuck away along with some background and thoughts behind each one is awesome. I really would love to think positively, and I do, a lot of of the time. But not ALL the time, especially when it comes to overwhelming things like my back or overwhelming goals that wouldn't be if I just did them.

Looking forward to seeing what the rest of the book has to say, and, as always, taking everything with a grain of salt. For this particular example, this is what worked for this guy and has worked for a lot of people but may not work for me or may just need some adjusting in order to work for me.