Just saw the movie This is 40 with Brando. I don't want to forget how much I relate to that movie right now, so I can look back on this time period in that movie later and realize how far we come. Brando and I figure it has a LOT less to do with the age of the people than the age of the kids. My sister always told me how difficult teenage years are on a marriage, how it can rip marriages apart. I try to hang onto remembering how difficult teenage years are on a marriage every time we go through another episode of a child wanting to be a man, but still wanting a boy at the same time. *Almost* everything in that movie Brando and I could relate to, only switch the guy being overwhelmed by girls with the girl being overwhelmed by boys. The technology issue - totally dealt with. In the process of giving up on that now. Not in a bad way. In a this is the way our kids live these days so I better figure out a way to work around the technology. Like it or not, my kiddos are learning leadership skills, building communities, buildings, and electrically engineering the buildings, and playing with their Dad to boot. Just need to work on the active part. Justinbustin does enough when sports are in season. I just don't like doing activity on my own, but I've got to start. The only time they will do something is when I've already done it on my own. Other thing I relate to is how wonderful time alone is - how it InSTANTLY makes you remember why you fell in love with each other and wonder why things are so crazy and stressed at home, and, also, the exact feeling of 'we're ba-ack' once you pull up the driveway.
As I told Brando tonight, I think I like movies with the word f*ck a lot. I'm laughing as I'm typing, but seriously, they didn't use the word when they weren't fighting or being funny, and that's really exactly what I do. So it's life to me. I almost don't even notice. I remember long ago there was a movie with Mel Gibson that I LOVEd. I recommended the movie to my sis and bro-in-law. Then, they mentioned there was the f word a LOT in that movie. Oops, I didn't even remember. That's also the time I stopped recommending movies to people.
The best part of the movie was the knowing laughs of the couples in the theatre (all exactly exemplifying the title) and the different sexes laughs at different scenes. I tried not to die laughing at the farting scene so I wouldn't be calling Brando out. But seriously. I was DYING laughing. DYING I tell ya.
The music conversation? So had that conversation LAST NIGHT. Took Brando through all the songs I like - he says they're mellow and depressing. He takes me through the music he likes - I say it's annoying as hell. Loved seeing that scene thrown in there. Instantly relatable.
Also? The pregnancy scene? COULD SO FREAKING RELATE. Except, of course, mine ended as a chemical pregnancy. But man the sheer terror, wondering what the f*ck was going to happen. I almost wonder if I ever got pregnant again if I might not tell Brando for awhile just to keep from falling apart again. That would actually do better for me. I'm already not drinking any way. He wouldn't know the difference until we had a few months left haha.
The sex conversation? Okay, well we don't exactly have the conversation like they did, but it's still an issue. I want more sex than he can handle. And you know why? He's stressed as f*ck taking care of his family. And in the moments he happens to not be stressed, he blows my mind. Like last night. Eight orgasms. Um, yeah. But when stress is high? Forgedaboudit.
No, but seriously, as depressing as it sounds, that movie made me feel better about life. If they're making a movie out of all this stress - financial, kids, parents, all of it - that means it's actually way more normal than people talk about. I already realized so, but don't know how to make other people realize so because all the behind-the-scenes is SO NOT talked about. Everybody thinks your prince is supposed to come and take you away. Well, they do. But then life happens. And it's stressful as f*ck. And somehow you get through it any way with a laugh and a f*ck, literal and verbal. And your prince is still there in the end. And THAT's what matters.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Life update
*Hilarious to have Justinbustin's European friend over with expanded taste buds getting them to try zucchini cakes and green beans with goat cheese - things I would make any way, but things the boys would normally pass over except for a small bite. They ended up liking them with Justinbustin's friend's encouragement.
*FINALLY saw our Christmas lights tonight. Did our traditional hot cocoa and expanded to apple cider this year, Night Before Christmas street, scoured a new neighborhood for Rudolphs (found five), and drove by the gone viral Gangnam Style Light Show house. He's turned his music and light show off because he had too much traffic, but it was still fun to see the house regardless. Maybe he'll turn the music and light show back on after Christmas.
*Been going through SO much with Shawner's friends. Had a lot of talks with him about friends and their insecurities and being honest with them. He ended up having a talk with one of his friends about how the friend seemed to be like a character in a book the teacher had read them called A Bad Case of Stripes. The girl had stripes that would change colors or patterns depending on what her friends did. When she finally decided to do what she loved (eat lima beans, which nobody else liked) her stripes changed back to her normal color and her constantly red bow changed to rainbow. Shawners had observed his friend liked to do whatever the person next to him would do, and I gently encouraged him to be honest with his friend. I asked Shawners how the friend responded, and Shawners said he said nothing. I silently thanked God because he could've had an ugly response, and nothing is better than anything ugly. I've noted a marked change in this child's attitude around his friends, and even with me, strangely enough. I commended Shawners for his bravery in talking to his friend and noted that a quiet response was better than what could've been, as well as I seemed to notice a change. I am so proud of him. Inspires me.
*Ready to have the girl talk with Justinbustin. His best friend is 'hanging out' with a girl. Justinbustin called her his girlfriend, but I had to correct him and say his Mom would like him to be good friends, and not put pressure on the relationship by giving a label that is purposeless at this point. She said if they are to hang out it needs to be with a group of friends and his Mom or her Mom needs to be there. She talked to him about not needing to be one on one right now and having that pressure that hanging out one on one can create. She talked to him about saying they are good friends so there is not the pressure to only hang out with her and miss out on so much of life at this age. I LOOOOOVE her perspective and am considering adopting the perspective myself for Justinbustin. So interesting having my boys in public school because I want to do some of the things my sister has done with her boys, but they have to be tweaked slightly because my boys are in public school, and sometimes I am not sure how to do it. Justinbustin's best friend's Mom does so beautifully sometimes. I love hearing how she talks so openly about heavy subjects and deals with them head on with her son. All the while openly admitting she is overwhelmed and has no idea what she's doing.
*More later... Room rep, holiday parties, cologne, college, highschool GPAs, to name a few.
*FINALLY saw our Christmas lights tonight. Did our traditional hot cocoa and expanded to apple cider this year, Night Before Christmas street, scoured a new neighborhood for Rudolphs (found five), and drove by the gone viral Gangnam Style Light Show house. He's turned his music and light show off because he had too much traffic, but it was still fun to see the house regardless. Maybe he'll turn the music and light show back on after Christmas.
*Been going through SO much with Shawner's friends. Had a lot of talks with him about friends and their insecurities and being honest with them. He ended up having a talk with one of his friends about how the friend seemed to be like a character in a book the teacher had read them called A Bad Case of Stripes. The girl had stripes that would change colors or patterns depending on what her friends did. When she finally decided to do what she loved (eat lima beans, which nobody else liked) her stripes changed back to her normal color and her constantly red bow changed to rainbow. Shawners had observed his friend liked to do whatever the person next to him would do, and I gently encouraged him to be honest with his friend. I asked Shawners how the friend responded, and Shawners said he said nothing. I silently thanked God because he could've had an ugly response, and nothing is better than anything ugly. I've noted a marked change in this child's attitude around his friends, and even with me, strangely enough. I commended Shawners for his bravery in talking to his friend and noted that a quiet response was better than what could've been, as well as I seemed to notice a change. I am so proud of him. Inspires me.
*Ready to have the girl talk with Justinbustin. His best friend is 'hanging out' with a girl. Justinbustin called her his girlfriend, but I had to correct him and say his Mom would like him to be good friends, and not put pressure on the relationship by giving a label that is purposeless at this point. She said if they are to hang out it needs to be with a group of friends and his Mom or her Mom needs to be there. She talked to him about not needing to be one on one right now and having that pressure that hanging out one on one can create. She talked to him about saying they are good friends so there is not the pressure to only hang out with her and miss out on so much of life at this age. I LOOOOOVE her perspective and am considering adopting the perspective myself for Justinbustin. So interesting having my boys in public school because I want to do some of the things my sister has done with her boys, but they have to be tweaked slightly because my boys are in public school, and sometimes I am not sure how to do it. Justinbustin's best friend's Mom does so beautifully sometimes. I love hearing how she talks so openly about heavy subjects and deals with them head on with her son. All the while openly admitting she is overwhelmed and has no idea what she's doing.
*More later... Room rep, holiday parties, cologne, college, highschool GPAs, to name a few.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
More Steve Jobs
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with then, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."
Think Different, p. 329
"I hate the way people would use slide presentations instead of thinking. People would confront a problem by creating a presentation. I wanted them to engage, to hash things out at the table, rather than show a bunch of slides. People who know what they're talking about don't need PowerPoint."
Think Different, p. 337
"The "i", Jobs later explained, was to emphasize that the devices would be seamlessly integrated with the Internet."
Think Different, p. 338
"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication," Jobs had aimed for the simplicity that comes from conquering complexities, not ignoring them. "It takes a lot of hard work," he said, "to make something simple, to truly understand the underlying challenges and come up with elegant solutions."
Design Principles, p. 343
Think Different, p. 329
"I hate the way people would use slide presentations instead of thinking. People would confront a problem by creating a presentation. I wanted them to engage, to hash things out at the table, rather than show a bunch of slides. People who know what they're talking about don't need PowerPoint."
Think Different, p. 337
"The "i", Jobs later explained, was to emphasize that the devices would be seamlessly integrated with the Internet."
Think Different, p. 338
"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication," Jobs had aimed for the simplicity that comes from conquering complexities, not ignoring them. "It takes a lot of hard work," he said, "to make something simple, to truly understand the underlying challenges and come up with elegant solutions."
Design Principles, p. 343
Friday, December 14, 2012
Home sick
I have a permeating sadness about not living in Cali. Not sure if it's just me and the way I feel sometimes or something I need to act on.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sex life
Really, really love having such an incredible sex life. Nothing like being too busy + out of town and being completely satisfied when the time does come. Taken awhile to get here but man is it worth every part of the journey. True love feels so much better than true lust that wears away. Although I admit that factor wasn't completely off the table in the beginning. Definitely wasn't the deciding factor, though. An amazing man was the decidig factor. And he's proved his worth hahaha. I should go to bed now, I'm sex drunk.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
More Jobs
Finally picked up the book, Jobs' biography, again for the first time since summer. Again, more fantastic quotes I can totally relate to.
"For all of his willfulness and insatiable desire to control things, jobs was indecisive and reticent when he felt unsure about something. He craved perfection, and he was not always good at figuring out how to settle for something less. He did not like to wrestle with complexity or make accommodations. This was true in products, design, and furnishings for the house. It was also true when it came to personal commitments. If he knew for sure a course of action was right, he was unstoppable. But if he had doubts, he sometimes withdrew, preferring not to think about things that did not perfectly suit him... Jobs would go silent and ignore situations that made him uncomfortable."
SO can relate.
"This attitude arose partly out of his tendency to see the world in binary terms. A person was either a hero or a bozo, a product was either amazing or shit."
The Restoration p. 315
Yup. Can relate to that, too. Black and white is most of my world. Learning to see the shades of grey (no, not talking about the book!) - the things that aren't right or wrong but just are.
"At times Jobs displayed a strange mixture of prickliness and neediness. He usually didn't care one iota what people thought of him; he could cut people off and never care to speak to them again. Yet sometimes he also felt a compulsion to explain himself."
The Restoration p. 316
"For all of his willfulness and insatiable desire to control things, jobs was indecisive and reticent when he felt unsure about something. He craved perfection, and he was not always good at figuring out how to settle for something less. He did not like to wrestle with complexity or make accommodations. This was true in products, design, and furnishings for the house. It was also true when it came to personal commitments. If he knew for sure a course of action was right, he was unstoppable. But if he had doubts, he sometimes withdrew, preferring not to think about things that did not perfectly suit him... Jobs would go silent and ignore situations that made him uncomfortable."
SO can relate.
"This attitude arose partly out of his tendency to see the world in binary terms. A person was either a hero or a bozo, a product was either amazing or shit."
The Restoration p. 315
Yup. Can relate to that, too. Black and white is most of my world. Learning to see the shades of grey (no, not talking about the book!) - the things that aren't right or wrong but just are.
"At times Jobs displayed a strange mixture of prickliness and neediness. He usually didn't care one iota what people thought of him; he could cut people off and never care to speak to them again. Yet sometimes he also felt a compulsion to explain himself."
The Restoration p. 316
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Broccoli Rabe
May seriously be my favorite vegetable ever when making this recipe. So delicious.
My review for the recipe from October 3, 2008, which still holds:
Maria's Broccoli Rabe
My review for the recipe from October 3, 2008, which still holds:
Maria's Broccoli Rabe
This was a hundred times better than I thought it would be! We'd had this at our favorite Marble Falls restaurant, Cafe 909, and still remember it four years later. So when I saw it fresh in the store I picked some up in hopes to make something similar. This was above and beyond my expectations! I can't wait to make more. Updated: Made more. Still just as delicious!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Our Anniversary
Simple. Sweet. Perfect. A night at our favorite hotel in town, the Renaissance. A two-headed shower I had requested for our anniversary months ago and had forgotten about. Now we get to take showers each having our own shower head. Bliss. Set up a little better now than in this photo, too. Swimming with my sis, mom, nephew, niece, the boys, and Brando, in the big indoor hotel pool with a greenhouse glass ceiling, hot tub, and sauna. Pink ice roses and chocolate delivered to my room after everybody had left for the night. Lots of night time fun. TMI side note I am soooooo much more relaxed when out of the house - even with the kids asleep I'm always on edge if I hear a noise and making sure everything is locked and double locked. Hotels are fun. Perfect quiet celebration. Twelve years. Feels like yesterday and forever all at the same time. Mostly like yesterday.
Oh, and my Mom and I did that peacock puzzle while my parents were visiting. Took us all weekend and staying up late the night before they left. Too much fun. Our intent is to tape it so Shawners can put the puzzle on his wall as his cousin-in-law's brother with the same birthday gave it to him for his birthday. Oh, and peacocks are his favorite animal. Too bad it broke before we could do it. Now we have to fix it again. How did this become a tangaent about puzzles? I'm not sure but I've discovered I love puzzles. Relaxing :) .
Oh, and my Mom and I did that peacock puzzle while my parents were visiting. Took us all weekend and staying up late the night before they left. Too much fun. Our intent is to tape it so Shawners can put the puzzle on his wall as his cousin-in-law's brother with the same birthday gave it to him for his birthday. Oh, and peacocks are his favorite animal. Too bad it broke before we could do it. Now we have to fix it again. How did this become a tangaent about puzzles? I'm not sure but I've discovered I love puzzles. Relaxing :) .
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Sephora loot
Love the rewards program at Sephora. I've been saving my mass amount of points for one I actually want. Finally found the perfect one!
Happy place
If I could just keep this moment from yesterday in my pocket to pull out whenever I want, that'd be fantastic.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Conversations
Ever feel like you have a lesson you're supposed to learn for a particular year? I feel like my lesson this year is learning how to have tough conversations with people.
Example #1 - Conversation with my niece this past May after I heard third hand she was upset with me about a comment I had made and I was able to see how upset she had been in her body language, but didn't realize it was towards me. Conversation went okay, but we haven't talked or seen each other since.
Example #2 - Fast forward to after our AMAZING cousin's girls trip and said niece is hurt she wasn't invited. Reason being, it is a first cousin's girls trip with cousin's who did not grow up together and are attempting to get to know each other and we are going to protect that even when other people's feelings are hurt (i.e. my cousin's Mom, now our niece, etc.). My other niece DID come along because her Mom (a blood first cousin) would not have come without her. This was why her feelings ended up being hurt. Only, she blamed it all on me sending me a text saying I hope I'll forgive her so she can be included in family functions. WTF?! was basically my reaction. Took a four way conference conversation with her to tell her from four out of five cousins this had NOTHING to do with her and is a first cousin's only trip was the only reason she wasn't invited - not my Grandma not liking her Dad (her first thing she blamed it on), not me not forgiving her (the second thing she blamed it on), etc. Both my sister and I have a feeling it's not over with her especially when the third thing she blamed it on was during the conference call she mentioned something she heard I said about her really hurt her feelings but she didn't want to say what it was in front of anybody. Both my sister and I agree she was using this information to vaguely hold it over my head that it was still my fault. Fortunately, I encouraged her to say what it was - which was she'd heard I was afraid she would act like she did in May again and that's why she didn't get to go. Apparently, my sister had told her mom that and it had gotten back to her. I completely owned it, saying yes of course I'm apprehensive that could happen again, but that has NOTHING to do with her not coming. Later my sister told me she was so glad I owned it because she realized SHE was the one who said that and didn't realize it would come back to bite her in the ass because she told the Mom in confidence. Seriously ridiculous family drama this last year, but it's been interesting working through it and definitely a learning experience. Not just for family, but ALL of life!!
Example #3 - Had a conversation today with a Mom of one of Shawner's friends. Ironically, regarding a similar subject as #2. This friend and another friend have been "in their own little world" as Shawner's puts it, not even aware of people around them. I noticed it myself when I took Shawners to lunch the other day and he invited his two friends to join us at the courtyard. I dismissed it, though, thinking if Shawners can handle his friends doing that, more power to him. As soon as I got back from my trip, though, I noticed he was upset about something. When I asked him about what, this issue was his answer. My advice to him was to focus on other relationships for himself, and not talk about these friends with other friends behind their back but instead focus on building a relationship with the other friend with a LOT of other Mom words and thoughts in there. I also suggested talking to these kids, but didn't really have the right words for him to say, so suggested he not until I could help him figure out what might be a constructive thing to say. I did tell him I may call one of the boys' Mom's and let her know what was going on. One, because I think she'd like to know, and, two, because she may be able to do something about it in her own way. And, three, because I don't want things to get awkward between her and I when her son is not invited to things Shawners does!! Shawners has already decided not to invite these two boys - boys who were two of his closest friends at the beginning of the year - to his birthday party next week which saddens me, but I completely support and understand. And he has another friend's birthday party to go to tomorrow where these two boys will be at. Any way, I spoke to the Mom, TOUGH conversation to pick up and do, but she was SO understanding and SO grateful I had told her, and SO disappointed in her son that that was happening. I told her I'm not even sure her son is aware, and she said he tends to be really aware and while he may not realize it's hurting people's feelings he might still be aware of it. I was so grateful for her mature, immediate, grateful response. Every time I hear a mature response after a tough conversation it makes me a little less scarred inside and realize there ARE people who take things seriously and not take offense and ARE willing to confront the tough issues without being offended in the process.
Makes me wish I was more like one of those people. I think that's what this year is all about for me. Learning to be one of those people. Somebody who takes the initiative to have tough conversations, and somebody who knows how to receive tough conversations even when it's presented in an unloving or judgemental way. It's working slowly.
Speaking of judgemental, more to write on that, and how AWESOME this last cousins' weekend was for my sister who has always felt judged and truly WAS judged by my family, but always chose to rise above it. This last weekend I had her back and admired her for the amazing job she does with her family, her five kids, her 13 hour a week hairdressing job, and still managing to have a semblance of a relationship with her husband for the moment. We moved past so much of the judgement, I think it was an amazing relief for her and an opening up of new relationships with walls broken down. Neat experience. Afterwards *I* felt a little left out because I've always been the middle monkey, the confidant of both sides, but really what a sucky role to be in, and I'm SO glad I don't have to be there anymore. I worked through my feeling left out, and instead turned into gratefulness that I won't have to fight, bribe, or otherwise encourage my sister to come on cousins trips anymore because she had so much fun this time! Everybody did, including myself!! I had also been nervous because of the two traumatizing family events previously, but had totally forgotten how much FUN I have with my sisters and cousins, like-minded girls who talk things out for hours instead of getting offended about them. Love, love, LOVE talking with these girls.
Example #1 - Conversation with my niece this past May after I heard third hand she was upset with me about a comment I had made and I was able to see how upset she had been in her body language, but didn't realize it was towards me. Conversation went okay, but we haven't talked or seen each other since.
Example #2 - Fast forward to after our AMAZING cousin's girls trip and said niece is hurt she wasn't invited. Reason being, it is a first cousin's girls trip with cousin's who did not grow up together and are attempting to get to know each other and we are going to protect that even when other people's feelings are hurt (i.e. my cousin's Mom, now our niece, etc.). My other niece DID come along because her Mom (a blood first cousin) would not have come without her. This was why her feelings ended up being hurt. Only, she blamed it all on me sending me a text saying I hope I'll forgive her so she can be included in family functions. WTF?! was basically my reaction. Took a four way conference conversation with her to tell her from four out of five cousins this had NOTHING to do with her and is a first cousin's only trip was the only reason she wasn't invited - not my Grandma not liking her Dad (her first thing she blamed it on), not me not forgiving her (the second thing she blamed it on), etc. Both my sister and I have a feeling it's not over with her especially when the third thing she blamed it on was during the conference call she mentioned something she heard I said about her really hurt her feelings but she didn't want to say what it was in front of anybody. Both my sister and I agree she was using this information to vaguely hold it over my head that it was still my fault. Fortunately, I encouraged her to say what it was - which was she'd heard I was afraid she would act like she did in May again and that's why she didn't get to go. Apparently, my sister had told her mom that and it had gotten back to her. I completely owned it, saying yes of course I'm apprehensive that could happen again, but that has NOTHING to do with her not coming. Later my sister told me she was so glad I owned it because she realized SHE was the one who said that and didn't realize it would come back to bite her in the ass because she told the Mom in confidence. Seriously ridiculous family drama this last year, but it's been interesting working through it and definitely a learning experience. Not just for family, but ALL of life!!
Example #3 - Had a conversation today with a Mom of one of Shawner's friends. Ironically, regarding a similar subject as #2. This friend and another friend have been "in their own little world" as Shawner's puts it, not even aware of people around them. I noticed it myself when I took Shawners to lunch the other day and he invited his two friends to join us at the courtyard. I dismissed it, though, thinking if Shawners can handle his friends doing that, more power to him. As soon as I got back from my trip, though, I noticed he was upset about something. When I asked him about what, this issue was his answer. My advice to him was to focus on other relationships for himself, and not talk about these friends with other friends behind their back but instead focus on building a relationship with the other friend with a LOT of other Mom words and thoughts in there. I also suggested talking to these kids, but didn't really have the right words for him to say, so suggested he not until I could help him figure out what might be a constructive thing to say. I did tell him I may call one of the boys' Mom's and let her know what was going on. One, because I think she'd like to know, and, two, because she may be able to do something about it in her own way. And, three, because I don't want things to get awkward between her and I when her son is not invited to things Shawners does!! Shawners has already decided not to invite these two boys - boys who were two of his closest friends at the beginning of the year - to his birthday party next week which saddens me, but I completely support and understand. And he has another friend's birthday party to go to tomorrow where these two boys will be at. Any way, I spoke to the Mom, TOUGH conversation to pick up and do, but she was SO understanding and SO grateful I had told her, and SO disappointed in her son that that was happening. I told her I'm not even sure her son is aware, and she said he tends to be really aware and while he may not realize it's hurting people's feelings he might still be aware of it. I was so grateful for her mature, immediate, grateful response. Every time I hear a mature response after a tough conversation it makes me a little less scarred inside and realize there ARE people who take things seriously and not take offense and ARE willing to confront the tough issues without being offended in the process.
Makes me wish I was more like one of those people. I think that's what this year is all about for me. Learning to be one of those people. Somebody who takes the initiative to have tough conversations, and somebody who knows how to receive tough conversations even when it's presented in an unloving or judgemental way. It's working slowly.
Speaking of judgemental, more to write on that, and how AWESOME this last cousins' weekend was for my sister who has always felt judged and truly WAS judged by my family, but always chose to rise above it. This last weekend I had her back and admired her for the amazing job she does with her family, her five kids, her 13 hour a week hairdressing job, and still managing to have a semblance of a relationship with her husband for the moment. We moved past so much of the judgement, I think it was an amazing relief for her and an opening up of new relationships with walls broken down. Neat experience. Afterwards *I* felt a little left out because I've always been the middle monkey, the confidant of both sides, but really what a sucky role to be in, and I'm SO glad I don't have to be there anymore. I worked through my feeling left out, and instead turned into gratefulness that I won't have to fight, bribe, or otherwise encourage my sister to come on cousins trips anymore because she had so much fun this time! Everybody did, including myself!! I had also been nervous because of the two traumatizing family events previously, but had totally forgotten how much FUN I have with my sisters and cousins, like-minded girls who talk things out for hours instead of getting offended about them. Love, love, LOVE talking with these girls.
Monday, October 29, 2012
My view two hours later
Man, this guy works fast. Technically, it was an hour later because I didn't wake him up for an hour. Beginnings of my gorgeous peacock costume handmade by my hubby. I feel like a princess in it. It's so pretty I don't want to take it off.
My view right now
With my lovely compression stockings. WHY did I do this to myself right now?!?! SO MAD at myself!!!!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Church
I am SO SICK of the concept of church. I love going and hearing what has to be said, but I literally despise feeling the pressure of having to conform to how others are inside the church. The pressure messes with my head, my marriage, and who I am.
I'm not sure when this happened. Actually, I am. When Brando's "friends" turned on us and judged us for everything they're worth. Recently, I had another "friend" judge me for not going to church, which I confronted her about. Then, circumstances came together and we went to church. What happens? We're fighting constantly, I'm cranky and yelling, and we had the worst fight we've had since our first or second year of marriage with the cops coming out. All stupid, stupid stuff. I realize it's not church, persay, it's the pressure that's getting to my head. It's almost like I'm in a movie and the camera spins around dizzily as I hear voices of people who aren't saying anything but secretly judging, "You don't come to small group. You don't serve enough. You're not good enough." Sounds creepy, but if it could be put in a film, that's probably what it would look like.
I've finally found my niche in serving at the schools, going to prayer group with amazing ladies, and being decent at home, and going to church throws that all off. I've been to prayer group once in the last three weeks, I've been ugly to my kids, and Brando and I are at odds most of the time when we're not realizing how stupid we're being.
People talk and talk and talk about community, how important it is to go to church to have "community". I'm sorry, church "community" is the fakest community I've ever met. People are more shallow there than anywhere else I've seen. You see them every week, they ask how you are, they act like they care, and then during the week, who's there? Not them. The friends and community cultivated outside of church are there.
The lady who "judged" me for not going to church has not ONCE tried to reach out to me to be any sort of "community". I've reached out to her several times, and have finally given up seeing how she reaches out to others - anyone but me, and sits there and judges me instead. I get it. During her lonely times in her life, church made her feel like she had community. Does she think the way she lives works for everyone? Apparently. And she practices what she preaches, too. I guess she only offers the gift of her community to those attending church.
Do I sound bitter? I'm not. Okay, maybe I am. Maybe it's these stupid sedation drugs wearing off, or the Advil I'm pumped up on. We didn't go to church yesterday as we were at the urgent care finding out Shawner's wrist is fractured. And you know what? It was a relief. A relief not to feel the pressure of everybody around me telling me who I should be. I want to listen to God. And that's it.
Brando says we could go to church, hear the message, and leave, and create our involvement and our community elsewhere. Which I totally agree, except I'd be suppressing myself in how I love to meet new people. Unfortunately, as a result, perceived pressure still builds in my head, messes with my outlook, and I allow it to turn me into a nightmare, expecting myself and everyone else around me to be a certain way, too.
I'm not sure when this happened. Actually, I am. When Brando's "friends" turned on us and judged us for everything they're worth. Recently, I had another "friend" judge me for not going to church, which I confronted her about. Then, circumstances came together and we went to church. What happens? We're fighting constantly, I'm cranky and yelling, and we had the worst fight we've had since our first or second year of marriage with the cops coming out. All stupid, stupid stuff. I realize it's not church, persay, it's the pressure that's getting to my head. It's almost like I'm in a movie and the camera spins around dizzily as I hear voices of people who aren't saying anything but secretly judging, "You don't come to small group. You don't serve enough. You're not good enough." Sounds creepy, but if it could be put in a film, that's probably what it would look like.
I've finally found my niche in serving at the schools, going to prayer group with amazing ladies, and being decent at home, and going to church throws that all off. I've been to prayer group once in the last three weeks, I've been ugly to my kids, and Brando and I are at odds most of the time when we're not realizing how stupid we're being.
People talk and talk and talk about community, how important it is to go to church to have "community". I'm sorry, church "community" is the fakest community I've ever met. People are more shallow there than anywhere else I've seen. You see them every week, they ask how you are, they act like they care, and then during the week, who's there? Not them. The friends and community cultivated outside of church are there.
The lady who "judged" me for not going to church has not ONCE tried to reach out to me to be any sort of "community". I've reached out to her several times, and have finally given up seeing how she reaches out to others - anyone but me, and sits there and judges me instead. I get it. During her lonely times in her life, church made her feel like she had community. Does she think the way she lives works for everyone? Apparently. And she practices what she preaches, too. I guess she only offers the gift of her community to those attending church.
Do I sound bitter? I'm not. Okay, maybe I am. Maybe it's these stupid sedation drugs wearing off, or the Advil I'm pumped up on. We didn't go to church yesterday as we were at the urgent care finding out Shawner's wrist is fractured. And you know what? It was a relief. A relief not to feel the pressure of everybody around me telling me who I should be. I want to listen to God. And that's it.
Brando says we could go to church, hear the message, and leave, and create our involvement and our community elsewhere. Which I totally agree, except I'd be suppressing myself in how I love to meet new people. Unfortunately, as a result, perceived pressure still builds in my head, messes with my outlook, and I allow it to turn me into a nightmare, expecting myself and everyone else around me to be a certain way, too.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
So nervous I almost don't want to blog about this.
Going in for varicose vein surgery again tomorrow. The first time I did it the veins were so bad it was obvious it needed to be done. This time, the veins are only starting to bulge. I realize it will only get worse, but since they aren't quite *that* bad yet, I'm nervous about going in.
Plus, Shawners fractured his wrist this weekend and we need to take him into an orthopedic tomorrow.
Please pray all goes well and everything goes well, smoothly, and quickly, for everyone!!
Going in for varicose vein surgery again tomorrow. The first time I did it the veins were so bad it was obvious it needed to be done. This time, the veins are only starting to bulge. I realize it will only get worse, but since they aren't quite *that* bad yet, I'm nervous about going in.
Plus, Shawners fractured his wrist this weekend and we need to take him into an orthopedic tomorrow.
Please pray all goes well and everything goes well, smoothly, and quickly, for everyone!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Sleep
Is what I need.
Grateful for is what I'm feeling and attempting to focus on instead of being disappointed my appointment setting to have Justinbustin's teeth pulled inadvertently pushed him down to second string from first string where he didn't play as much in tonight's game that his team lost 38 to 8 where he got 'trucked' in one of his three plays by a big kid on the other team. Grateful he wasn't on the field the whole time and trying to let that override any guilt I feel for doing what needed to be done.
Missing my hubby. Their branch has a yearly audit tomorrow they just found out last night would happen tomorrow. He'll be home after midnight. Grateful he doesn't work long hours or travel for a living. So many have to deal with husbands being gone and I'm not sure how they do so. I used to enjoy my moments alone. Now I miss the heck out of him as we get so little time as it is.
Regret is what I feel for the nuclear meltdown we had Friday night. I apologized over and over to the boys but it's not enough. No reason for things to get out of hand like it did. Nothing physical, but pure ugliness, exhaustion, and stress coming out in the worst of ways.
Tired is how I'm feeling about this week. Tomorrow will be the third day Justinbustin has gone straight from school to another activity that we've all been at. Only I will need to be at this one and twil' end a lot early, but tired is how I feel.
Nostalgic for baby life is a general feeling for the last few years. I'd really love to adopt as I always have. Not sure if that's a possibility. Part of me wants to have another. Another part of me isn't sure I could parent a baby and a high schooler at the same time. Ones emotionally exhausting, the other is physically exhausting. I'd be exhausted all over.
And I'll end on that theme and maybe do something about it by getting some sleep!
Grateful for is what I'm feeling and attempting to focus on instead of being disappointed my appointment setting to have Justinbustin's teeth pulled inadvertently pushed him down to second string from first string where he didn't play as much in tonight's game that his team lost 38 to 8 where he got 'trucked' in one of his three plays by a big kid on the other team. Grateful he wasn't on the field the whole time and trying to let that override any guilt I feel for doing what needed to be done.
Missing my hubby. Their branch has a yearly audit tomorrow they just found out last night would happen tomorrow. He'll be home after midnight. Grateful he doesn't work long hours or travel for a living. So many have to deal with husbands being gone and I'm not sure how they do so. I used to enjoy my moments alone. Now I miss the heck out of him as we get so little time as it is.
Regret is what I feel for the nuclear meltdown we had Friday night. I apologized over and over to the boys but it's not enough. No reason for things to get out of hand like it did. Nothing physical, but pure ugliness, exhaustion, and stress coming out in the worst of ways.
Tired is how I'm feeling about this week. Tomorrow will be the third day Justinbustin has gone straight from school to another activity that we've all been at. Only I will need to be at this one and twil' end a lot early, but tired is how I feel.
Nostalgic for baby life is a general feeling for the last few years. I'd really love to adopt as I always have. Not sure if that's a possibility. Part of me wants to have another. Another part of me isn't sure I could parent a baby and a high schooler at the same time. Ones emotionally exhausting, the other is physically exhausting. I'd be exhausted all over.
And I'll end on that theme and maybe do something about it by getting some sleep!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Well...
I was going to blog. But then I got distracted opening a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Cider. The boys are home today for school holiday. I LOVE having them home. Makes me miss the days of home school. But they are SO much better off learning a million different ways to do things than the one pigeon hole way I do things. I only pray their hearts stay true and strong like their Dad's does.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Reflections and Regrets
*We have this opportunity to go on this AMAZING adventure next August, and I am balking. One, all I can think is being on a BOAT for seven days straight where I may indeed go stir-crazy. The part I'm not factoring in there is the fact I will be OFF the boat for four out of those seven days in an amazing, breathtaking place. Two, the cost is OUTRAGEOUS, especially because of the way Brando's Mom travels. I'm calculating how many vacations we could take (but probably wouldn't any way) for that ONE vacation. Three, planning a vacation a year in advance seems SO weird to me. Gives me more time to obsess over the process, which is not a good thing for me.
*Regretting. Not taking family photos at Natural Bridges this last March. Ran out of time and energy on our way home from Tahoe. Now that Justinbustin is almost as tall as me, I feel like we missed our window to have family pictures where he was still shorter than I. Regretful.
*Regretting. Not having Justinbustin and his cuz Kile surf together in August as we were at the Boardwalk with my parents on the day I'd intended them to go. I didn't even call him or his brother, Jasin, to come to the Boardwalk as they had dealt with lice the week before and I did NOT want to go there again. Good thing, since when my sister got them from their dad that weekend they were still dealing with lice. Still. I feel like I missed the chance for Justinbustin and Kyle to go surfing together again while they were still shorter than their moms. Regretful.
*Comparing. I am SO SICK of comparing. My Mom texted me today about how my niece went to lunch with my nephew Kile yesterday and was shocked he was as tall as her. She's a little shorter than I. Instantly, my mind went to all the yukky feelings from May that came up... which I realized just now I never posted about. Maybe that's a good thing. No need to rehash. This thought came to me today as I thought about comparing: To compare is criticize the one without fully appreciating the other.
*Regretting. Not taking family photos at Natural Bridges this last March. Ran out of time and energy on our way home from Tahoe. Now that Justinbustin is almost as tall as me, I feel like we missed our window to have family pictures where he was still shorter than I. Regretful.
*Regretting. Not having Justinbustin and his cuz Kile surf together in August as we were at the Boardwalk with my parents on the day I'd intended them to go. I didn't even call him or his brother, Jasin, to come to the Boardwalk as they had dealt with lice the week before and I did NOT want to go there again. Good thing, since when my sister got them from their dad that weekend they were still dealing with lice. Still. I feel like I missed the chance for Justinbustin and Kyle to go surfing together again while they were still shorter than their moms. Regretful.
*Comparing. I am SO SICK of comparing. My Mom texted me today about how my niece went to lunch with my nephew Kile yesterday and was shocked he was as tall as her. She's a little shorter than I. Instantly, my mind went to all the yukky feelings from May that came up... which I realized just now I never posted about. Maybe that's a good thing. No need to rehash. This thought came to me today as I thought about comparing: To compare is criticize the one without fully appreciating the other.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Saturday morning/Sunday night
*Brando got home at 3pm today with a nasty headache, possibly from gas poisoning at his office. Long story. May've also been allergies. I ended up getting a nasty headache as well, and, after picking Justinbustin up at 4pm, fell into bed and fast asleep with him. Bolting up at 7:22pm thinking the time said 7:22am and finding the boys playing their games in the living room has utterly thrown me off for the evening in a fun feels like just woke up Saturday morning relaxing time, but also Sunday night relaxing time as the boys' still have school tomorrow am.
*Raspberries from Costco. Yum. 'Nuff said.
*Baby cuddles. Delicious. 'Nuff said.
*Return of two of my favorite TV shows: Revenge, and Once Upon a Time.
*Raspberries from Costco. Yum. 'Nuff said.
*Baby cuddles. Delicious. 'Nuff said.
*Return of two of my favorite TV shows: Revenge, and Once Upon a Time.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Homesick for the Blog World
Crazy urge to be a super involved blogger again. Probably just because I have a moment to breathe for once. I have this crazy urge to go comment on a bunch of blogs and find out all about people's lives behind the scenes as we share in the blog world. Won't happen since such is not my focus anymore but oh how I miss the super connection with the blog world so very much right now. So happy to be connected so closely to the few people who still blog regularly from those days and the few new ones who've somehow managed to instantly fallen into that world with ease.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Chillaxin
Been an awesome day. Little cranky still but I'm coming off the bleeding so that's expected as my post PMS comes back. Field trip with Justinbustin's robotics team this morning to a senior center again. So proud of that man. So polite and takes on so much responsibility in between being a kid. Brought his friend and him to donuts afterward - a blueberry donut for me. Yum.
Folded laundry and managed the boys into cleaning up the areas they tornado through as well do their chores while waiting for Brando to come home from work.
Though the rain was forecasted to come down all day, nary a drop was in sight by mid afternoon so a few hours after Brando got home we took off with no end goal in mind. Shawner's friend called as we pulled out of the driveway so we swung by his house and brought him with us. Ended up driving a half hour detour for the pleasure of being out on a gray day to the nearest Chipotle, where the rain finally poured down while the boys ate inside and watched the gorgeous rain pour outside. By the time we left, the rain had stopped. Couldn't have had better timing if we tried.
Headed home where I finally folded more laundry. Can you tell I got over not being able to show Brando I love him via his love language ie acts of service? This was SUCH a major contention in our lives until I realized, then accepted, and finally understood along with him years ago, that this is truly his love language. Any who, he usually folds all the laundry these days so me folding *any* load is love, and I must have folded five today. Love you, honey ;) . Now we're chilling on the bed taking in the time to actually relax for once. Love.
Folded laundry and managed the boys into cleaning up the areas they tornado through as well do their chores while waiting for Brando to come home from work.
Though the rain was forecasted to come down all day, nary a drop was in sight by mid afternoon so a few hours after Brando got home we took off with no end goal in mind. Shawner's friend called as we pulled out of the driveway so we swung by his house and brought him with us. Ended up driving a half hour detour for the pleasure of being out on a gray day to the nearest Chipotle, where the rain finally poured down while the boys ate inside and watched the gorgeous rain pour outside. By the time we left, the rain had stopped. Couldn't have had better timing if we tried.
Headed home where I finally folded more laundry. Can you tell I got over not being able to show Brando I love him via his love language ie acts of service? This was SUCH a major contention in our lives until I realized, then accepted, and finally understood along with him years ago, that this is truly his love language. Any who, he usually folds all the laundry these days so me folding *any* load is love, and I must have folded five today. Love you, honey ;) . Now we're chilling on the bed taking in the time to actually relax for once. Love.
Middle school band night
Justinbustin's band played at half time at the high school football game in the rain last night. So adorable watching him play his heart out on his trombone, but the crowds teeming with energy, the totally inappropriate music for middle schoolers or high schoolers, the noise of the occasionally soaked thus static filled speakers, the college-level stadium nicer than some colleges even in high school, and being wet and cold from the gorgeous snow-like falling rain drove me crazy. The boys?
Shawn: That was a fun experience!
Me: So you liked the night?
Shawn: I loved it!
Me: What'd you think about tonight, Justinbustin?
Justinbustin: Awesome!
Brando: That was the best night I've had in awhile.
Go figure.
I loved seeing Justinbustin play, in the rain no less. Each middle school band student had a high school buddy. I had noticed Justinbustin talking to a sweet looking older student with a bun and glasses through out the night between songs. When he showed me a shirt his high school buddy made him, I asked him if she was his high school buddy. He said yes. I am so proud of his conversational skills talking to her throughout the evening. I loved seeing him enjoy being out in the rain and being around such a huge crowd of people. I love that he had a blast at something I would've found completely nerve-wracking, intimidating, and overwhelming, while the night didn't even phase him. I loved that his Dad walked through the rain to go pick him up from the band hall and had me wait in the car in a non-traffic filled area to get him home earlier.
I loved watching him sweetly play his trombone and keep his instrument working smoothly between songs I love that he unabashedly walked up to me and talked to me several times while I was the mom that hovered on the other side of the rail trying to catch a glimpse of my son. I love him. :)
Off to another senior center this morning, where a few weeks ago Justinbustin and a sixth grader who was paired with him since Justinbustin is the more mature one out of the three older 7th grade boys on the team, interviewed a senior who told them, "You are very courteous, and I can tell how intelligent you are. I am proud of you."
Shawn: That was a fun experience!
Me: So you liked the night?
Shawn: I loved it!
Me: What'd you think about tonight, Justinbustin?
Justinbustin: Awesome!
Brando: That was the best night I've had in awhile.
Go figure.
I loved seeing Justinbustin play, in the rain no less. Each middle school band student had a high school buddy. I had noticed Justinbustin talking to a sweet looking older student with a bun and glasses through out the night between songs. When he showed me a shirt his high school buddy made him, I asked him if she was his high school buddy. He said yes. I am so proud of his conversational skills talking to her throughout the evening. I loved seeing him enjoy being out in the rain and being around such a huge crowd of people. I love that he had a blast at something I would've found completely nerve-wracking, intimidating, and overwhelming, while the night didn't even phase him. I loved that his Dad walked through the rain to go pick him up from the band hall and had me wait in the car in a non-traffic filled area to get him home earlier.
I loved watching him sweetly play his trombone and keep his instrument working smoothly between songs I love that he unabashedly walked up to me and talked to me several times while I was the mom that hovered on the other side of the rail trying to catch a glimpse of my son. I love him. :)
Off to another senior center this morning, where a few weeks ago Justinbustin and a sixth grader who was paired with him since Justinbustin is the more mature one out of the three older 7th grade boys on the team, interviewed a senior who told them, "You are very courteous, and I can tell how intelligent you are. I am proud of you."
Friday, September 28, 2012
Eyebrows done
Paid thirty bucks but had them tweezed instead of the waxed so crossing fingers no breaking out. She did something wonky with one of where she removed the top to make it a little skinnier to match the other. That kind of weirded me out but they turned out okay after doing make up. And I didn't have to spend three hours on them to shape them myself.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
SO Happy
*I started my period. That helps everything. Totally not being sarcastic. My PMS on edge feeling goes away the second, to be blunt, the blood flows. Heavy as all get out. Guess I'm going to have to get used to that now.
*Dropped head chair of chess club. So, so, SO relieved, and SO happy I did. Once I stepped down, the lady who had been chair previously and I were able to divvy up the duties according to our strengths. Even though I'd previously asked her to deal with her mistake, I still found myself communicating with another mistake that hadn't been taken care of. Instead of our activities being redundant, because, one, she is so fantastic at dealing with parents. I, on the other hand, take an hour to write an email to a parent because I'm so concerned about what their reaction might be. She will write the email in five minutes, send the email, and forget about the email. All while writing her dissertation and being a director at a university (another supermom. These ladies, I tell ya, are amazing). Perfect, because I like to organize on the back end, take care of sign in, etc. Today I picked up forms, created three spreadsheets, and returned a few emails from other PTA board members. Perfect.
*Consequently, the wall between Brando and I has been dropped. I don't have other parents' reactions on my mind 24/7. I can handle working with other people who have similar goals, it's when I have to deal with people who are in the game for themselves where I get overwhelmed saying what has to be said. Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!
*Justinbustin had another b*y sc*ut c*urt of honor tonight. Earned an Eagle b*dge and another b*dge. Saw him sitting with the older scouts for the first time. That was strangely neat.
*Speaking of Justinbustin, I lectured/"parented" him eye-to-eye the other day for the first time. I had to stop and laugh in the middle of sternly telling him whatever I was telling him, and comment on the eye-to-eye factor. He laughed realizing exactly what I was talking about. Then I warned him I'm going to have to kick him in the balls like Aunt Windy did with her sons if he messes off. We were both laughing too hard by then to continue what we were even talking about in the first place.
*Shawners is a BALL of energy lately bouncing from side to side and up and down. Even when the rest of us are cranky he's still singing songs and making up stories in the backseat. The whole event is adorable and I feel awful asking him to be quiet because we just. need. quiet. Especially when he starts to sing quietly instead. Adorableness. Can't believe he's in fifth grade. My last year of elementary school unless we have another. Craziness. Can't believe he'll be a sixth grader next year. Thinking about such actually hurts my brain.
*Off to spend time with my handsome man whom I'm not pushing away anymore...
*Dropped head chair of chess club. So, so, SO relieved, and SO happy I did. Once I stepped down, the lady who had been chair previously and I were able to divvy up the duties according to our strengths. Even though I'd previously asked her to deal with her mistake, I still found myself communicating with another mistake that hadn't been taken care of. Instead of our activities being redundant, because, one, she is so fantastic at dealing with parents. I, on the other hand, take an hour to write an email to a parent because I'm so concerned about what their reaction might be. She will write the email in five minutes, send the email, and forget about the email. All while writing her dissertation and being a director at a university (another supermom. These ladies, I tell ya, are amazing). Perfect, because I like to organize on the back end, take care of sign in, etc. Today I picked up forms, created three spreadsheets, and returned a few emails from other PTA board members. Perfect.
*Consequently, the wall between Brando and I has been dropped. I don't have other parents' reactions on my mind 24/7. I can handle working with other people who have similar goals, it's when I have to deal with people who are in the game for themselves where I get overwhelmed saying what has to be said. Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!
*Justinbustin had another b*y sc*ut c*urt of honor tonight. Earned an Eagle b*dge and another b*dge. Saw him sitting with the older scouts for the first time. That was strangely neat.
*Speaking of Justinbustin, I lectured/"parented" him eye-to-eye the other day for the first time. I had to stop and laugh in the middle of sternly telling him whatever I was telling him, and comment on the eye-to-eye factor. He laughed realizing exactly what I was talking about. Then I warned him I'm going to have to kick him in the balls like Aunt Windy did with her sons if he messes off. We were both laughing too hard by then to continue what we were even talking about in the first place.
*Shawners is a BALL of energy lately bouncing from side to side and up and down. Even when the rest of us are cranky he's still singing songs and making up stories in the backseat. The whole event is adorable and I feel awful asking him to be quiet because we just. need. quiet. Especially when he starts to sing quietly instead. Adorableness. Can't believe he's in fifth grade. My last year of elementary school unless we have another. Craziness. Can't believe he'll be a sixth grader next year. Thinking about such actually hurts my brain.
*Off to spend time with my handsome man whom I'm not pushing away anymore...
Monday, September 24, 2012
Spent most of today in bed before I toughed it out and wrapped up a bazillion emails. I didn't drop chess club. I drew a few boundaries, though. One being the previous chair needs to communicate her scufuffle with the parents. Not me. I don't deal with parents well. On top of the fact, the mistake is not mine to deal with. She was fine with the fact, I just had to ask. What I signed on for *is* something I'm passionate about. That was not.
Learning, learning, learning. A lot about boundaries this year apparently.
And egos, maybe. Whole other subject altogether. I feel like judgemental people are being thrown in my face left and right. I recognize them quickly now, after being caught off guard so many times. The more I open up the more they pop up out of nowhere ready to shove me back down. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to learn through all this, except to maybe not effen care?
Regardless, I have *got* to get through this PMS. I bought my acidolphus today as I'd run out which helps me not snap at least. But man am I being bitchy to Brando, who really doesn't need that right now after finally getting some relief from a certain stress at work, only for me to throw crap at him. Only I've been so cranky and have no desire to do his love language to show him I care that I don't quite know how to stop. I'm being selfish and want my my my love language. More more and more quality time. Probably because I'm draining myself elsewhere I want him to fill me up (that's what she said harhar). Got to get a handle on that!! ARGH. How do people *do* it? It being give so much of themselves to others and still have space, love, and energy for their families and husbands. Actually there's a whole online community for such called P31. Maybe I need to join one if I want to keep this up in any sort of capacity without falling apart :/ !
Learning, learning, learning. A lot about boundaries this year apparently.
And egos, maybe. Whole other subject altogether. I feel like judgemental people are being thrown in my face left and right. I recognize them quickly now, after being caught off guard so many times. The more I open up the more they pop up out of nowhere ready to shove me back down. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to learn through all this, except to maybe not effen care?
Regardless, I have *got* to get through this PMS. I bought my acidolphus today as I'd run out which helps me not snap at least. But man am I being bitchy to Brando, who really doesn't need that right now after finally getting some relief from a certain stress at work, only for me to throw crap at him. Only I've been so cranky and have no desire to do his love language to show him I care that I don't quite know how to stop. I'm being selfish and want my my my love language. More more and more quality time. Probably because I'm draining myself elsewhere I want him to fill me up (that's what she said harhar). Got to get a handle on that!! ARGH. How do people *do* it? It being give so much of themselves to others and still have space, love, and energy for their families and husbands. Actually there's a whole online community for such called P31. Maybe I need to join one if I want to keep this up in any sort of capacity without falling apart :/ !
I realize a lot of my posts have holes in them. I say what I'm doing, but didn't mention when I started. One of the reasons for that is I don't want to talk about something until it's finished and done. As with the chess club, it's pointless if I don't follow through. More than that, it's something personal for myself though, that I don't talk about something until I've completed the task. One of the reasons being, I have so many balls in the air I'm afraid if I put them down on paper I'll instantly be overwhelmed. On the upside, I've gotten over being overwhelmed by putting my things on the calendar. The calendar is so full any way I hardly notice my own amongst the revelry. so at least they are there :) . Most of them, any way. Just realized my regular things I do each week aren't on there including two things for today and a few things Thursday. Oops. Maybe I still do get overwhelmed if every little thing is written down, but I've definitely improved!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Looking back thru my posts this semester I can see I am spiraling. I think I took too much on and I can't handle my family, my emotions, and everything I've taken on. I'm starting to keep myself busy to escape my emotions. Now I've acquired so much busy work I'm either going to have to drop the things important to me - prayer group, robotics, volunteering or drop the commitments I've taken on - yearbook, chess club. I think I'm going to back out of chess club. It's turning out to be more than I thought and I don't have time for it. I want to go to prayer group tomorrow but I feel I need to stay in bed just to recover from the weekend and be able to handle the week ahead and I don't want to do that. I'm going to have to drop chess club. I can't handle it. I thought I could. I can't without the cost of something else.
Ugh. Why does church throw me off so these days? We go once in how many years and I'm a freaking mess. Perhaps because I realize everything we're not instead of appreciating what we are. Whatever it is I walk away bitter and hateful against everything especially those who fucking judge us for not going to church or not doing enough. I think I'm still not over what Brando's supposed friends did to us, and I'm bitter over it. I haven't forgiven them, and the only person it's destroying is me. That and my family when I let my feelings affect them. I don't know how to get over it. I am so angry towards this person I thought was my friend. Years have passed and still it affects me. She emailed me via linked in the other day. Seriously?! Who does that?! It's not like she can't get my fucking phone number which hasn't changed. Regardless I SO BADLY want to go back to where we were, to be friends, to hang out as couples, to feel like they were a special part of our family as they felt, but how can you do that when someone holds your every move against you and holds their own insecurities against you? Not communicating back is against my nature, but what am I to say, to open myself up to be hurt and waste energy once again? I'm wasting energy thinking about it, I guess I might as well waste energy talking to her about it.
Ugh. I must be PMSing hard again. Why the fuck has my PMS been so flipping harsh lately? I thought I'd figured that out years ago.
I can feel myself falling and bed sounds like a pretty nice place to retreat to.
Ugh. I must be PMSing hard again. Why the fuck has my PMS been so flipping harsh lately? I thought I'd figured that out years ago.
I can feel myself falling and bed sounds like a pretty nice place to retreat to.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Texting across the house
Teagan mentioned how bored she was with recent texts with a boy toy. Made me realize how very much I love my texts from my hubby. Hasn't always been that way but slowly over the years - maybe even the last year if you go back and read my texting posts - we've learned each other's texting love language, and he way more than I, I have to admit. From the texts from today:
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Somebody stop me!! I'm addicted to drumsticks. Especially the ones with the cookies pieces in the chocolate shell. If I could just have seventy-two bottoms of the cones with chocolate in them then I wouldn't need the rest of the cone. I just realized THAT'S WHY THEY DO THAT. They had me at tiny chocolate cone. I can't believe I've been duped. No more!! Now maybe the kids will stop wondering where all the drumsticks have gone.
Holy crap, I'm having a nostalgic, regretful sort of day.
*I missed the boat to volunteer for the library in Justinbustin's school. I *thought* the office needed help so when the library email came around, I emailed back saying I was going to volunteer in the office this year. By the time she got back to me saying the office volunteer list was full and I got back to her saying I'd do library, library was full. AHHHHHH. I am so panicky and stressed that I won't be able to be in Justinbustin's school once a week to observe the dynamics of seventh grade. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. they have been in school except for 4th grade for Justinbustin and 2nd grade for Shawners (the sucky year for everybody when I was in full time school and too busy to do anything including pull them out of a crappy school) I have been involved in doing something weekly. In elementary (HUGE tip for you public schoolers, by the way) I did Wednesday folders, which I'm still doing for Shawners this year. I LOVE Wednesday folders. It allows me to be in the classroom once a week on a regular basis, converse with the teachers in a conversational manner, and observe the dynamics of the classroom, my kids' work habits, and relationships. Love, love, LOVE it. The library with Justinbustin was PERFECT because he came in every morning and I would observe the same, minus the teachers - although they would come in occasionally as well so at least I got to know their faces not something that's very common in middle school. I also mistakenly believed Justinbustin wouldn't be in there for lunch time, total fail on my part because of COURSE he'd be in there at lunch time as then is his only time to be in there this year. UGH. I am SO SO SO MAD at myself. Okay, I have to get over it. I am praying a spot opens up - not for a bad reason (maybe someone gets a full time job?) and I can come in. I already emailed the volunteer coordinator AND the librarian since I know her from last year. Crossing fingers and praying I get a spot! By the way, on another positive note, how COOL is vying for a volunteer spot at school versus nobody wants to or is available to volunteer at all and they are desperate to fill the positions?! This is one of the reasons we love these particular schools so much - the parents are so involved and jump at the chance to volunteer and be involved. Mostly because they can afford to, at the same time, nobody says they HAVE to, they definitely want to and choose to.
*For those of you on my facebook (pretty sure that's all of you) and saw my latest status, do you want to know something? I look back at my *own* pictures and think, wow, life was perfect back then. Even two weeks ago!! Then, I snap myself out of it and remind myself of all the difficult things and work we went through to have those moments and get there. One thing I definitely DON'T regret is deciding about seven years ago to ONLY take pictures of happy moments where we are all getting along and loving each other. That way when I look back at pictures now, I don't have to question if they were truly happy moments, I realize they are, but I also realize all the work to get to that moment.
*Took my neighbor's little girl, K, to school today. Her Mom dropped her off early this morning while the boys were still getting ready. By the time I was ready and went out to get her, she was in tears on the couch. M had told me she'd been crying when she dropped her off early at a friend's house to go to school and said she'd been asking if her Mom could drop her off at my house instead, so her crying made me SO sad. I asked her if she knew why she was crying and she said, yes, she missed her mommy. My heart broke for her. I took her and Shawners to Starb*cks before school for berry coffee cake and chocolate milk, then read one of the books from her backpack to her before I dropped her and Shawners off. Then, I promptly texted her Mom who said K is leaving to her Dad's right after school - her Dad's wife is picking her up, which might be the reason she was so teary. That made ME want to cry!! I think that might be one of my panicky stressful feelings right now, my heart hurts for her SO MUCH. I told M next time I'll have her come in and get ready with me. I'm not used to having girls, but I think I would've enjoyed the company when I was little.
Whew. Okay, I really think the K thing was stressing me out. I actually wanted to pick her up after school today as well, so when I heard her Dad's wife was picking her up it made me even sadder. Maybe I'll go sit at lunch with her instead. Yes, I think I will.
*I missed the boat to volunteer for the library in Justinbustin's school. I *thought* the office needed help so when the library email came around, I emailed back saying I was going to volunteer in the office this year. By the time she got back to me saying the office volunteer list was full and I got back to her saying I'd do library, library was full. AHHHHHH. I am so panicky and stressed that I won't be able to be in Justinbustin's school once a week to observe the dynamics of seventh grade. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. they have been in school except for 4th grade for Justinbustin and 2nd grade for Shawners (the sucky year for everybody when I was in full time school and too busy to do anything including pull them out of a crappy school) I have been involved in doing something weekly. In elementary (HUGE tip for you public schoolers, by the way) I did Wednesday folders, which I'm still doing for Shawners this year. I LOVE Wednesday folders. It allows me to be in the classroom once a week on a regular basis, converse with the teachers in a conversational manner, and observe the dynamics of the classroom, my kids' work habits, and relationships. Love, love, LOVE it. The library with Justinbustin was PERFECT because he came in every morning and I would observe the same, minus the teachers - although they would come in occasionally as well so at least I got to know their faces not something that's very common in middle school. I also mistakenly believed Justinbustin wouldn't be in there for lunch time, total fail on my part because of COURSE he'd be in there at lunch time as then is his only time to be in there this year. UGH. I am SO SO SO MAD at myself. Okay, I have to get over it. I am praying a spot opens up - not for a bad reason (maybe someone gets a full time job?) and I can come in. I already emailed the volunteer coordinator AND the librarian since I know her from last year. Crossing fingers and praying I get a spot! By the way, on another positive note, how COOL is vying for a volunteer spot at school versus nobody wants to or is available to volunteer at all and they are desperate to fill the positions?! This is one of the reasons we love these particular schools so much - the parents are so involved and jump at the chance to volunteer and be involved. Mostly because they can afford to, at the same time, nobody says they HAVE to, they definitely want to and choose to.
*For those of you on my facebook (pretty sure that's all of you) and saw my latest status, do you want to know something? I look back at my *own* pictures and think, wow, life was perfect back then. Even two weeks ago!! Then, I snap myself out of it and remind myself of all the difficult things and work we went through to have those moments and get there. One thing I definitely DON'T regret is deciding about seven years ago to ONLY take pictures of happy moments where we are all getting along and loving each other. That way when I look back at pictures now, I don't have to question if they were truly happy moments, I realize they are, but I also realize all the work to get to that moment.
*Took my neighbor's little girl, K, to school today. Her Mom dropped her off early this morning while the boys were still getting ready. By the time I was ready and went out to get her, she was in tears on the couch. M had told me she'd been crying when she dropped her off early at a friend's house to go to school and said she'd been asking if her Mom could drop her off at my house instead, so her crying made me SO sad. I asked her if she knew why she was crying and she said, yes, she missed her mommy. My heart broke for her. I took her and Shawners to Starb*cks before school for berry coffee cake and chocolate milk, then read one of the books from her backpack to her before I dropped her and Shawners off. Then, I promptly texted her Mom who said K is leaving to her Dad's right after school - her Dad's wife is picking her up, which might be the reason she was so teary. That made ME want to cry!! I think that might be one of my panicky stressful feelings right now, my heart hurts for her SO MUCH. I told M next time I'll have her come in and get ready with me. I'm not used to having girls, but I think I would've enjoyed the company when I was little.
Whew. Okay, I really think the K thing was stressing me out. I actually wanted to pick her up after school today as well, so when I heard her Dad's wife was picking her up it made me even sadder. Maybe I'll go sit at lunch with her instead. Yes, I think I will.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Today's day and age
My child just texted me from across the house. Hilarious. What's even more hilarious is I texted him back. His response: lol luv u.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
What the eff is wrong with me?! I'm breaking down over a stupid poster board. The lady who is "over" me who I did NOT sign up to work with (I volunteered when another lady asked me to and was answering my questions that I loved working with) told me I did not need one that they would make one for me. Yet EVERY single other booth fucking has one. I feel so underprepared and stupid. To make matters worse the lady who I'm pissed off at that told me I didn't need one approached me and of course I said I felt underprepared because I don't have a poster board. Then quickly walked away to avoid the rainfall of tears that hasn't stopped. Now I'm sitting in a corner waiting for the stupid rainfall to stop. And I just looked in the mirror and my eyes are bright red. Fuck.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
SO MANY wonderful, amazing things to post and think about. Instead I'm having major social anxiety over having to show up for a booth at a Parent Info night tomorrow at Shawner's school. Us Moms are so judgy anyhow and now I have to put myself in front of ALL of them. Full blown panic attack forthcoming. Why the eff did I sign on for this?!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
So not on the priority list
I'm stalling on getting the day started mostly because I just now realized I need to turn my pandora on. Any way back to the subject at hand (home?) - new bathroom items that make me smile every time I see them. I love going to stay in other peoples' houses and discovering things I love to use that make life easier. I discovered this pretty weight scale at my aunts place in Cali and also the enlargement mirror - hers was a suction mirror onto the big window but when I found this one at Costco for $20 with a built in light especially with the lighting in my bathroom being so yellow I couldn't resist. That and I immediately went and picked up the weight scale at Costco for $20 as well. The black and white seat opens up into a holding area - perfect for all the laundry that had been collecting in the same spot. And since Shawners had borrowed one of our bathroom rugs for his bathroom we'd been needing new rugs and these ones go perfectly with our towels. These are Nautica for $17 and the seat was $20 as well. You can't see it in the photos but the black and white ties in a with a few black accessories including a silhouette of a kissing boy and girl which we got on our honeymoon and hangs above the seat, and the pattern on the seat cover matches the pattern on our bedspread visually behind it in person. The stripes on the rug match another pattern on our bedspread. Looking for all these ways to make my new items tie in make me feel professional haha. Actually it justifies that I love the new look and think it looks good. BONUS: Can you find our sweet Brownie dog all curious about what the heck I'm doing in our new mirror?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Just what I needed
Fun night out with the girls at one of their new houses where another announced she is pregnant with her second and I met a new girl. The original two I've been meeting up with since February when one of the girls and I met at Anni's bday dinner and realized we had a mutual friend (thanks, fb!). I have been meaning to get together with that mutual friend forEVER so we made her our excuse to get together. We've done three or four nights out and now one of the girls who had been looking for a house forever found her house and we celebrated her and her boyfriend buying it tonight. I looked around tonight and couldn't believe I found another group of girls that I enjoy hanging out with so much. I am so, so blessed. This was exactly the kind of night I needed.
Text to my bestie
I'm retreating into myself my own little hole. I feel lost. I feel unnecessary. Maybe I'm PMSing but I can't stand feeling this way
I think I'm doing this because now I'm having to deal with a relationship I've decided I don't want to be a part of anymore with that mom and I can't do it easily by avoidance like I've been able to in the past since Shawners is in her sons class now
Yes that's why I'm breaking down. I dont know how to get out of a relationship where I have to see the person every day and still have my friend be friends with their kid.
I am SO lost.
I think I'm doing this because now I'm having to deal with a relationship I've decided I don't want to be a part of anymore with that mom and I can't do it easily by avoidance like I've been able to in the past since Shawners is in her sons class now
Yes that's why I'm breaking down. I dont know how to get out of a relationship where I have to see the person every day and still have my friend be friends with their kid.
I am SO lost.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Life
Ugh. Can't get to sleep. SO busy the next few weeks I don't even have time to see my girlfriend Jen since I've been home. I've seen her consistently every other week this summer and I miss her. And I haven't gotten to see Mai since I've been back which is breaking my heart because she leaves again soon. I am going to have to remind myself to take the hours the boys are in school to relax and play because the hours they are out are going to be crazy driving them or I places.
I'm meeting with a few friends tomorrow that I'd rather kinda ditch. This is going to sound bitchy but they're new relationships and I just don't have the energy for it right now. Love them just not enough energy to tread water until we get to know each other better.
We ended up switching Shawners teacher. The principal called after I emailed her issues Shawners had with the teacher and class chosen for him, ones that drive him to tears. I didn't ask for him to switch just wanted them to be aware of the issues if they became a problem. Still, they gave him the option when she called. The best teacher wasn't available and the rest are all on the same crappy level including the one chosen for him in the first place. Shawners ended up choosing Justinbustin's fifth grade teacher because his two good friends are in there and he's familiar with the teacher. Oh and only one trouble kid is in there that he's aware of, not two. I have to keep reminding myself on a stress level of 1 to 10 I'm at a 2 with this new class arrangement. With the first one I was at a 10. Still it's enough to keep me up all night and wonder if I did the right thing by switching him.
More but I should try and get some sleep if I can.
Update: Turns out there's not one, not two, but FOUR trouble kids in here. F*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Which has basically been my day. The two kids Shawners *thought* was in the other class are actually in here, there's a super annoying kid that's always bugging us on the walk to our car - think there might be something up with him, and a kid that's not too great of a kid that lives in our neighborhood. There are a LOOOOTTTTT of lessons to be learned here. I just don't want to learn them right now.
I'm meeting with a few friends tomorrow that I'd rather kinda ditch. This is going to sound bitchy but they're new relationships and I just don't have the energy for it right now. Love them just not enough energy to tread water until we get to know each other better.
We ended up switching Shawners teacher. The principal called after I emailed her issues Shawners had with the teacher and class chosen for him, ones that drive him to tears. I didn't ask for him to switch just wanted them to be aware of the issues if they became a problem. Still, they gave him the option when she called. The best teacher wasn't available and the rest are all on the same crappy level including the one chosen for him in the first place. Shawners ended up choosing Justinbustin's fifth grade teacher because his two good friends are in there and he's familiar with the teacher. Oh and only one trouble kid is in there that he's aware of, not two. I have to keep reminding myself on a stress level of 1 to 10 I'm at a 2 with this new class arrangement. With the first one I was at a 10. Still it's enough to keep me up all night and wonder if I did the right thing by switching him.
More but I should try and get some sleep if I can.
Update: Turns out there's not one, not two, but FOUR trouble kids in here. F*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Which has basically been my day. The two kids Shawners *thought* was in the other class are actually in here, there's a super annoying kid that's always bugging us on the walk to our car - think there might be something up with him, and a kid that's not too great of a kid that lives in our neighborhood. There are a LOOOOTTTTT of lessons to be learned here. I just don't want to learn them right now.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
School
My heart is breaking for my little fourth grader to be all grown up this year in fifth grade. Been through this phase once before, doesn't make it any easier. Fortunately, coming out on the other end a caring, responsible leader makes everything worth it. So hard to see when you're in the midst.
Grrr
Created jet lag by forcing myself to stay up later than I wanted last night then sleeping in too late today! Sigh. Waking up early tomorrow will take care of it but leads to an exhausting day. Hmmm.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Quiet Cali
Strange being home and not posting a thing on Facebook about it. Strangely quiet and relaxing. Accidentally allowed an fb post that calls me out being here but don't think it will show up in many new feeds. Not seeing my sister that's closest in age this time around which with her five kids is sometimes a whirlwind. Not from me not telling her but from our crazy schedule. I'm slightly sad but, get this, they've been dealing with the lice issue so I'm happy to not be worried about it again even on a small scale.
Will see my brother tomorrow at my nephews birthday party. He asked about me being in Cali when I posted Cali pics from May a few weeks ago.
I seriously think I'm avoiding posting anything because I don't want all the guilt of not being able to see everybody once again. There is not ever enough time to see friends and barely enough time to see and spend quality time with family, plus take the trips that we can only take out here.
Heck Brandon and I haven't even had time to go off on our own these last few trips although we desperately need it.
Any ways. Strange, quiet feeling. Unfortunately I still have that underlying guilt - although now its because I just haven't told people we're here instead of not being able to fit in the schedule to see them.
Will see my brother tomorrow at my nephews birthday party. He asked about me being in Cali when I posted Cali pics from May a few weeks ago.
I seriously think I'm avoiding posting anything because I don't want all the guilt of not being able to see everybody once again. There is not ever enough time to see friends and barely enough time to see and spend quality time with family, plus take the trips that we can only take out here.
Heck Brandon and I haven't even had time to go off on our own these last few trips although we desperately need it.
Any ways. Strange, quiet feeling. Unfortunately I still have that underlying guilt - although now its because I just haven't told people we're here instead of not being able to fit in the schedule to see them.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Law of Attraction
Nowhere else but on a plane can you notice the law of attraction regardless of sex more - where people sit themselves by like looking, no doubt assuming like minded, people.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Life has been SO busy!!
So many good things. Time for an Allison bullet post?
*Deleted Facebook off my phone. LOVE. Thanks to motivation by Cecilia whose inspiring email I still need to take a moment to dig deep enough to reply to. I do wish there was an only me Facebook I could still check into and record moments on without the distraction of shallowly surfing other people's lives.
*Packing!!!! Wheeeee!!!!!! Okay actually I'm NOT packing but I'm supposed to be and I'm positive I'll be up the wee hours the night before ironing everything like I religiously do before a trip because it feels sooooo good to feel like I walked out of a store with a just purchased outfit on.
*My oldest baby!!! Volunteering at his youth group camp because he prioritized other camps and didn't want to use any of his money or sponsorships towards this camp yet he still finds a way to go. According to him, he's having more fun than if he was part of camp - no schedule, canoeing, swimming, team games, hanging with his cousin and aunt who are also volunteering. His aunt being the reason he gets this awesome opportunity to volunteer in the first place. So excited for him and happy to adjust our trip time so he can be there as he suggested so we could still do both and not have to cancel the trip.
*Shawners first sleepover!!! At his friends eleventh birthday party. They all trekked to Schlitterbahn for the day then stayed up til 1:30 yapping and woke up to cinnamon rolls and playing minecraft with three of his closest friends, Konnor, Cale, and Grason. Sounds like a perfect eleven year old birthday party to me.
*Brando. Oh Brando. So much stress. I am crossing fingers this vacay is good for him but also incredibly nervous. He had one person hand in their two weeks cause they couldn't handle the sales environment and hired on a new person he's still figuring out how to work with. Crossing fingers he gets a new person who's interested in the job who is nothing but positive and has positive effects!
*Me. Trying to distract myself in every way possible from packing. Including blogging apparently :) . Simultaneously scheduling three different trips and several different trips within those trips, meanwhile organizing the rob*tics team for the year and cultivating volunteers for both rob*tics and a whole slew of volunteer photograh*rs for yearbook this year. THAT one leaves me super nervous. Fortunately, as chair I already have someone signed on as organizer who should get back from vacay as soon as I leave, ha, and a photographer for every grade level except kindergarten. Crossing fingers we get the kindergarten grade photographer next week during kinder camp.
So that's life!! A part of it any way. So excited for the upcoming months!!
*Deleted Facebook off my phone. LOVE. Thanks to motivation by Cecilia whose inspiring email I still need to take a moment to dig deep enough to reply to. I do wish there was an only me Facebook I could still check into and record moments on without the distraction of shallowly surfing other people's lives.
*Packing!!!! Wheeeee!!!!!! Okay actually I'm NOT packing but I'm supposed to be and I'm positive I'll be up the wee hours the night before ironing everything like I religiously do before a trip because it feels sooooo good to feel like I walked out of a store with a just purchased outfit on.
*My oldest baby!!! Volunteering at his youth group camp because he prioritized other camps and didn't want to use any of his money or sponsorships towards this camp yet he still finds a way to go. According to him, he's having more fun than if he was part of camp - no schedule, canoeing, swimming, team games, hanging with his cousin and aunt who are also volunteering. His aunt being the reason he gets this awesome opportunity to volunteer in the first place. So excited for him and happy to adjust our trip time so he can be there as he suggested so we could still do both and not have to cancel the trip.
*Shawners first sleepover!!! At his friends eleventh birthday party. They all trekked to Schlitterbahn for the day then stayed up til 1:30 yapping and woke up to cinnamon rolls and playing minecraft with three of his closest friends, Konnor, Cale, and Grason. Sounds like a perfect eleven year old birthday party to me.
*Brando. Oh Brando. So much stress. I am crossing fingers this vacay is good for him but also incredibly nervous. He had one person hand in their two weeks cause they couldn't handle the sales environment and hired on a new person he's still figuring out how to work with. Crossing fingers he gets a new person who's interested in the job who is nothing but positive and has positive effects!
*Me. Trying to distract myself in every way possible from packing. Including blogging apparently :) . Simultaneously scheduling three different trips and several different trips within those trips, meanwhile organizing the rob*tics team for the year and cultivating volunteers for both rob*tics and a whole slew of volunteer photograh*rs for yearbook this year. THAT one leaves me super nervous. Fortunately, as chair I already have someone signed on as organizer who should get back from vacay as soon as I leave, ha, and a photographer for every grade level except kindergarten. Crossing fingers we get the kindergarten grade photographer next week during kinder camp.
So that's life!! A part of it any way. So excited for the upcoming months!!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Yay
For this PMS not being quite so bad. It still hit pretty hard PMS wise but only the night before and once during. And bleeding is back to normal.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
So grossed out right now
Discovered lice on Shawners yesterday. Been bagging and washing bedding, stuffed animals, clothes, and pillows since. Am SO exhausted. This is the THIRD time one or both of the boys have had lice. What the hell?! Myself and every other person it seems only experienced it once in their childhood. I feel like a failure. The first time was from school, understandably, the second Justinbustin got it from a youth group sleepover where five other boys had it, also understandably. I think what gets me this time is I have NO IDEA where it came from. I've been racking my brain. M's little girl had it a few weeks ago which is the only place I can figure it came from via me who's been over there several times. He's been watching their dog the past two days (another vent that I'll just have to copy and paste from texts to KT - EVERY time I watch their darn dog something stupid and crazy happens), too, so my mind instantly jumps to that. BUT he's been scratching for a few weeks. I've been checking his head and have seen nothing. Even yesterday I checked his head and saw nothing. I decided to take a comb to his hair because I had thought he was allergic to his shampoo but he was still itching after we switched it. Out came a ton of nits and lice. SO DISGUSTING. I had a crying meltdown on the phone with my mil today because I feel like a total failure. We've gotten rid of it so easily before that Shawners doesn't even realize the impact of it. I've had to explain to him it's best if we buzz his hair so we don't miss any nits, that he needs to assist in bagging everything up, and when friends spend the night they HAVE to use a separate blanket and pillow so they can be washed afterwards. They've been especially bad about friends using whatever blankets or pillows they want and then throwing them back into the mix. That's the only other place I can think of that it might've come from - a friend spending the night who didn't know they had it. I'm so grossed out and feel like a failure right now. And so exhausted from all the washing and bagging.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Decluttering comment turned post
My husband has taken the initiative to completely declutter our house with me room by room. I am so grateful for the gusto he has to get it done and the company. I didn't realize how amazing it is that he has actually taken that initiative with no move in sight until I read Larissa's post. We've spent eight hours in our closet, eight hours in our boys' room, eight hours in our bedroom and office together, several hours in the bathrooms, eight hours in the garage. We have an aisle of donate items in our huge two car garage, and half an aisle of things to give to people we know or trade out at a store. Not to mention at least twenty to thirty trash bags we threw away of stuff. It really sounds like we lived in a pigsty, but really it wasn't THAT bad. It was just years of accumulated, organized junk. Insane. I feel SO much lighter and able to do 'extra' things instead of being weighed down by everything that has no place here.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Text vent/thought processing to my bestie
Maybe I should've made it an email:
One of the problems with going out as couples is I feel left out when we can't go. Not with you necessarily because I realize I'm always welcome but with others. I suppose I worked that feeling out with hanging out with girlfriends on my own because there's just plenty of times it's not reasonable for me to go. I suppose I can work out those feelings with couples too. I suppose I have to now. It's easier just not going out at all tho lol. [she texted back and said she was confused why I'd feel left out when I can't go]. Since 90% of the time we can't go. For example, tomorrow would be a BLAST especially if Brandon's on board which he seems to be lately BUT we have to make sure things are fun not just for us but for the boysies so that counts us out. So if we're hanging out with couples more but can't go to 90% of the shindigs = feel left out. Make sense? Actually it makes no sense but it's how I feel :) and something I'm struggling with/working thru as we possibly enter a new phase of hanging out with couples more so than we did before any way :D
Another example - liana invited us to something tonight she's invited us to before as a couple and me many times but I/we don't ever go cuz it doesn't start til 10pm and they don't leave til 9pm. We don't have the luxury of sleeping in even on a day off especially on a holiday so that mostly counts us out. I think I've figured out I need to do stuff that are fun and DOES fit our schedule as couples and then invite others along as I did when I started hanging out more with girlfriends, but still working on it obvs :):) . Even drinking bbqs or pool days on the weekend or holidays count us out because we won't take the boys and we won't leave them home all day alone by themselves. We're fine leaving them at night for a little whole but at home during the day during the weekend is sad unless it's for a much needed date for brandon and I!!! Especially to go party hehe. Sorry you're getting the brunt of my thought process - just thinking out loud to mah Kati especially since i don't know if we're going to see each other again this week!!! Ahhhhh!!!
Yeah see? Just checked the LC rocks at Carlos n Charlie's and they start at 10:30 [she'd invited us there tomorrow night]. This is going to make me sound really old but I think we need to find parent couples to hang with. Or just stick with doing our own thing and inviting couples once a week and be okay not going out every other night. Sigh :/ . See my inner confliction? Oy well I'm going to curl up with Brando and our candy in bed with a movie and love my night because I won't be one half of an exhausted couple trying to parent tomorrow hehe :):):)
Also I'm pmsing hard. The ob gyn warned this would be a heavy period but i didnt equate it with pms. And my sister is out of town for fourth of july for the first time ever and we usually spend it with her so I'm a little lost.
And to add more:
When I go out with out Brando I can stay out later because at least one of us is not exhausted. When Brando goes out with me if we both stay out later we're both screwed hence the confliction of staying out late.
Her response, why she's my bestie :) :
(2/6) makes total sense as to why you guys can't go out late! You have an amazing family, and the way you guys do you works for you and your family! No worries [followed with mention of her and her man having to do things with us at earlier hours and several invites to things we didn't end up going to but she realizes I love the thought any way - love her]
One of the problems with going out as couples is I feel left out when we can't go. Not with you necessarily because I realize I'm always welcome but with others. I suppose I worked that feeling out with hanging out with girlfriends on my own because there's just plenty of times it's not reasonable for me to go. I suppose I can work out those feelings with couples too. I suppose I have to now. It's easier just not going out at all tho lol. [she texted back and said she was confused why I'd feel left out when I can't go]. Since 90% of the time we can't go. For example, tomorrow would be a BLAST especially if Brandon's on board which he seems to be lately BUT we have to make sure things are fun not just for us but for the boysies so that counts us out. So if we're hanging out with couples more but can't go to 90% of the shindigs = feel left out. Make sense? Actually it makes no sense but it's how I feel :) and something I'm struggling with/working thru as we possibly enter a new phase of hanging out with couples more so than we did before any way :D
Another example - liana invited us to something tonight she's invited us to before as a couple and me many times but I/we don't ever go cuz it doesn't start til 10pm and they don't leave til 9pm. We don't have the luxury of sleeping in even on a day off especially on a holiday so that mostly counts us out. I think I've figured out I need to do stuff that are fun and DOES fit our schedule as couples and then invite others along as I did when I started hanging out more with girlfriends, but still working on it obvs :):) . Even drinking bbqs or pool days on the weekend or holidays count us out because we won't take the boys and we won't leave them home all day alone by themselves. We're fine leaving them at night for a little whole but at home during the day during the weekend is sad unless it's for a much needed date for brandon and I!!! Especially to go party hehe. Sorry you're getting the brunt of my thought process - just thinking out loud to mah Kati especially since i don't know if we're going to see each other again this week!!! Ahhhhh!!!
Yeah see? Just checked the LC rocks at Carlos n Charlie's and they start at 10:30 [she'd invited us there tomorrow night]. This is going to make me sound really old but I think we need to find parent couples to hang with. Or just stick with doing our own thing and inviting couples once a week and be okay not going out every other night. Sigh :/ . See my inner confliction? Oy well I'm going to curl up with Brando and our candy in bed with a movie and love my night because I won't be one half of an exhausted couple trying to parent tomorrow hehe :):):)
Also I'm pmsing hard. The ob gyn warned this would be a heavy period but i didnt equate it with pms. And my sister is out of town for fourth of july for the first time ever and we usually spend it with her so I'm a little lost.
And to add more:
When I go out with out Brando I can stay out later because at least one of us is not exhausted. When Brando goes out with me if we both stay out later we're both screwed hence the confliction of staying out late.
Her response, why she's my bestie :) :
(2/6) makes total sense as to why you guys can't go out late! You have an amazing family, and the way you guys do you works for you and your family! No worries [followed with mention of her and her man having to do things with us at earlier hours and several invites to things we didn't end up going to but she realizes I love the thought any way - love her]
Man I am PMSing HARD
Chocolate, confused, mood swings, the whole bit. The ob gyn warned this might be a heavy period but I didn't equate that to PMS. I've eaten more chocolate in the last three days than I have in the entire year (which isn't saying a lot cuz I really haven't had any straight up chocolate for a long time since I consciously started eating less).
Monday, July 2, 2012
Pretty New Day Lily
Fun surprise to wake up to this morning after we saw the bud getting ready to open yesterday. And an updated photo of my pretty garden - you can see the bud getting ready to open at the top left. Love coming home to the pretty foliage every day!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Ahhhhhhh
Best. sex. ever. I love discovering new things even after eleven years of marriage. I love when he discovers new ways to take care of me and blow my mind even more than the last time.
And I love that this journey took awhile to discover. I definitely remember those early years. Actually, I barely remember them now. But I realize they were there and I realize without them I might not appreciate the mind-blowing sex so much today ;) .
And I love that this journey took awhile to discover. I definitely remember those early years. Actually, I barely remember them now. But I realize they were there and I realize without them I might not appreciate the mind-blowing sex so much today ;) .
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
My kneescapades
While geocaching with Shawners I managed to poke a branch into my knee and the bottom of my foot. I guess that's what I get for wearing flip flops in the woods. Gotta learn to geocache a bit better! Shawners was my hero and pulled the definitely bigger than a splinter chunk o branch out of my knee after I worked on trying to get it out for half an hour, hurting my back in the process. Then, I'm so stressed from hearing Brando's Mom meltdown/vent over the phone that left her feeling better and left me stressed as heck about her I forgot to walk the way I'm supposed to and overemphasized the way I stress walk because I was thinking that was the way I was supposed to until I realized otherwise tonight thank goodness! Oh yes but not before I realized that I locked my keys in my car. Haha! Today was not my day! Though the door lock kid did tell me I still look pretty without my makeup on when I handed him my license and told him that's what I normally look like, well, with my makeup on instead of my haphazard tennis shoe and dress wearing persona I can't believe I walked out the door in. Ha! I asked Brando if he had something to do with what the kid said ;) . Green lights still love me though since my free week last week I neglected to post about where I got something randomly free every day of the week and green lights loved me all week :) . Any way, to leave you with a little visual of my day today...
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Things that make a blogger happy
Blogger has added a new feature to their post home page. A count of the views each post has had. This is such a dorky, stalker blogger thing to be excited about, but I totally am. See that little graph with the squiggly line all the way to the right? That's how many views that post has had.
These are the median figures. Most fall way below and a few that are higher. There was a post about finally succumbing to Pinterest that had 1200 views! Such a dorky thing to be excited about, but I so am. There used to be sites like StatCounter and even more in depth, Google Analysis, that would show you all these stats. I used to track my main blog for a bit, but would lose interest after a month or two, because it was so much work to match up stats and see what was working and what wasn't. I love blogging, but not that much, apparently. At least not that much for traffic, any way. I LOVE that Blogger has now integrated so MANY of these features, with this new blog view count feature at a glance being the latest. Eek! :)
These are the median figures. Most fall way below and a few that are higher. There was a post about finally succumbing to Pinterest that had 1200 views! Such a dorky thing to be excited about, but I so am. There used to be sites like StatCounter and even more in depth, Google Analysis, that would show you all these stats. I used to track my main blog for a bit, but would lose interest after a month or two, because it was so much work to match up stats and see what was working and what wasn't. I love blogging, but not that much, apparently. At least not that much for traffic, any way. I LOVE that Blogger has now integrated so MANY of these features, with this new blog view count feature at a glance being the latest. Eek! :)
Minecraft
I've been in a constant conflict about a video game the boys play called Minecraft. On one hand, it's a video game. On the other hand, the amount of imagination it requires to play the game at all is more than I can come up with in one day. Read the following excerpt from a blog post by a STEM Camp counselor and you'll understand my confliction, especially if you feel the same way about video games that I do. I like how he assimilates Minecraft to Legos. What are your thoughts?
"I’ll probably also be posting a lot about Minecraft, our game of the day (and probably the week). At one point in the seminar, we were watching a film about Notch, the creator, while the game ran in half of the computer screens in the room.
It’s a great game to have running. You have a whole world – many whole worlds, some of which are just gorgeous – where you can explore, mine, break all of the rules, and be creative. I saw chicken bombs, canons, currents – all things that the kids made themselves. It’s like Legos but magic – a glorious exercise for imagination and curiosity, which some say are increasingly lacking in our culture. Oh, and it’s fun – and it gets that much more fun when almost the whole class is playing!"
"I’ll probably also be posting a lot about Minecraft, our game of the day (and probably the week). At one point in the seminar, we were watching a film about Notch, the creator, while the game ran in half of the computer screens in the room.
It’s a great game to have running. You have a whole world – many whole worlds, some of which are just gorgeous – where you can explore, mine, break all of the rules, and be creative. I saw chicken bombs, canons, currents – all things that the kids made themselves. It’s like Legos but magic – a glorious exercise for imagination and curiosity, which some say are increasingly lacking in our culture. Oh, and it’s fun – and it gets that much more fun when almost the whole class is playing!"
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