Busy weekend lineup

So looking forward to the weekend! Events I am hoping to attend:

*Friend's baby shower tomorrow morning (please, God, let me stay CLOSE friends with her after she has her kid)

*Modern Home Tour with Brando tomorrow afternoon - SO. FREAKING. EXCITED. for this!!

*R*ck N Sw*p - vintage clothing swap tomorrow evening - so hoping to make this one. 10 clothing items to swap or $5 gets you ten clothing items!

*4th Annual Martini Party with my girlies tomorrow late evening

*Adventure Base 100 for the boys Sunday afternoon

*A quick run by HOPE Farmer's Market Sunday afternoon

Now let's see if I can fit it all in!

Date with me

I had a lovely little date with myself this evening checking out a new restaurant here that I've desperately have been wanting to try. It was a perfect evening. Somehow the sky cleared, the air was warm, and the breeze was perfect underneath the strung lights while I was there. I ordered my yummy food and sat back and contemplated life. Contemplated moving from this home that sent me into a tizzy this afternoon thinking about moving so soon and while the boys are still at a school that would be a big pain in the arse to drive to from our new (old) location. Thankfully, that's on hold for the moment. Contemplated friends and their desire to be their own person, and my desire to not let it interfere with who the hell I am. Make plans with me, fine, but you better stick to them. I'm not talking about the occasional it doesn't work out because that happens to all of us. I'm talking about the perpetual blower offers (that sounds perverted) where it becomes that ANYthing other than the plans they've made becomes a priority. That get's on my nerves. Sometimes I think it's because I'm too nice and understanding if they're a close friend, but then I slap myself in the face and realize that's how they've become in their lives. I either put up with it, or I stop making plans with them. Since the former usually drives me up the freaking wall and leaves me with no plans on nights that I am counting on going out, I usually go with the latter. Or go with a one time policy try, if they start to flake it's peace out for me. That sounds harsh, and maybe it is, but I don't have time to waste. I need to get the f*ck out of the house when I want to get the f*ck out of the house and I don't want to let it go to waste. Make sense? I wish I knew a better way to deal with it, but I don't, at least not right now. Contemplated enjoying time by myself again. I loved it, by the way. Loved it. Contemplated enjoying time with Brando again. I've started to recently and am so very glad, but always very cautious about depending on him for my happy. I've made that mistake before and nobody ends up happy. I have to set out to make sure I am happy on my own, and he is happy on his own. That's when we are the best together. Work is stressful for him right now, and I've put on my grumpy pants the last few days, but we sit back and remind each other it's just the stress, it's just the grumpies. That feels nice. Contemplation is nice, especially when surrounded by good food, a chai tea, pretty lights, and the fabulous company of me.

Doing what boys do

Lately I've had a hard time figuring out what to do with the boys. They don't enjoy what I enjoy doing, and I don't enjoy what they enjoy doing. So a few weeks ago I decided I would learn to enjoy something they already enjoy - hiking. My girlfriend loves hiking and has been a non-stop go hiker since before her baby was born, and still does it even now after she has her baby, even with her baby. I figured she'd be the perfect person to learn with. So the other day we went to a park out by her house and hiked down to the river and back and guess what? I actually did learn to enjoy hiking. My first hurdle was learning to actually look ahead of me. I asked her how she could walk all over the rocks and changing terrain without looking at her feet and she said she looked ahead. D'oh. I had to learn that with driving and walking through groups of people, so I guess it makes sense I had to learn that with hiking. After that I made a point of looking twelve seconds ahead, just like I do with driving, and stopped tripping over my own feet. At one point I even had to run back for my jacket, and was able to run up and down the rocky hill, no problem. The best part was, I actually had fun.

When I got home I did an hour of power cleaning before a showing, after which I nearly fainted with my heart racing in a way I've never felt it race before. I got lightheaded and dizzy, and I immediately laid down on the floor. I guess that was my second hurtle - learning to make sure I eat enough, especially while I was in the middle of a detox, before and during a hike. While she had packed lunch and I had agreed to as well, I completely forgot. I only ended up eating a few of her berries and lunchmeat. Though she offered more, it wasn't on my detox plan and silly me didn't think of how important it was to have it any way. Either way, nearly fainting didn't deter me. I still had a great time, and I was determined to go hiking again.

The other day the boys and I had some time before art class so I figured out my iPhone Yelp app would show me hiking places nearby. We found a gorgeous park to hike in. Unfortunately, after my 60 uturns to find the place we only had ten minutes. In those few short minutes, though, we found a 25 foot wide waterfall, climbed a few rocks, and found a few sticks (well, the boys did that last one, any way). The best part was, I actually had fun. I couldn't believe it!

So this weekend was another gorgeous winter day in Texas, and Brando and I had some time to hang out with the boys after hitting up the local farmer's market. We went back to explore the hiking place I had found with the boys earlier. We ended up hiking the trail around the creek and climbing about 300 feet to the top of the hill, only to descend very quickly. We had a blast, and Shawners only complained the last five minutes which in my book is a success.

Rest assured we will be hiking again, but this particular story doesn't have such a happy little ending. Poor little Shawners is tuckered out in bed now after throwing up a huge amount of food twice. Either something didn't sit well with him, or the whole hike tuckered him out. Unfortunately, we didn't really anticipate going on such a long hike so we didn't bring water with us. While it was cool and nearing sunset, I'm sure our bodies still needed water. This only deepens my feeling of how important it is to learn to do things you enjoy before you have kids so that when they come along they just get to enjoy it with you. Next time, of course, we'll have water, but had I "practiced" a few more times with my girlfriend I might've remembered it the first time the four of us went hiking together on our own!

Time in Songs

I love how songs marks times in life.

Brando and I have gone through a LOT in the last three years. I don't usually pour my soul out, especially about my marriage, because, really, I love you, but it's none of your business. Plus, I like to make you smile, and this doesn't make me smile, so why would it make you?

Looking back, though, we went through hell and back and it's still hot. I don't mind talking about what I went through anymore if my experience is going to help someone who might be there, in the place I was, wondering if my marriage was for me or not. Wondering if staying in my marriage would allow me to be who I want to be fully, without holding me back. Wondering if the man I loved would still be there and not hate me for it at the end.

Speaking of my experience, songs are the perfect way to tell it. Songs have their own meanings, but through the years I've tended to apply my own meanings to the lyrics, whether it's the original meaning, a twisted perspective of meaning (can you tell I'm taking and loving my art history class ;), or another meaning altogether. Whatever the meaning ends up being, the song ends up carrying me through that time, until I move on to the next stage in life, and the next song. Then, I totally hate it. For example, I can't STAND these Fergie songs, or Fergie at all anymore, because it reminds me of these songs. It pained me to hear them just to go through them to put them on here. But they were a part of my life, and I'm not willing to let go of that part of my life. By the way, I've linked to the months these songs meant the most, and while that was the time period in my life, there may be only a hint or two to what I was going through at that time, not a whole post except for a very few exceptions.

Starting from the beginning (oh, and totally ignore the fact there's no comments. I used to use a commenting code, one that I can't even remember the name of, until Blogger got their act together, only now I wish I hadn't because it erased all my comments when I switched back to blogger. Sadness. I still feel all the love that you left), aka July 2007:

Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie, I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, But I've got to get a move on with my life, It's time to be a big girl now, And big girls don't cry... The path that I'm walking', I must go alonge, I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown, Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay, I hope you know, I hope you know, That this has nothing to do with you, It's personal, myself and I, We've got some straightenin' out to do... I need to be with myself, and center, Clarity, peace, serenity. When I pulled up my britches, got over my pity party of myself and my parents choice to not send me to school this song carried me through. That was the time I realized my education is my choice now, and it was my choice to do something about it. I also realized that I get to choose how I enjoy my life, and thought I wouldn't be able to do that with Brando by my side.

Glamourous by Fergie, We flying the first class, Up in the sky, Poppin' champagne, Livin' the life, In the fast lane, And I won't change, By the Glamourous, oh the flossy flossy... I'm talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams, You deserve nothing but all the finer things... So if you ain't got no money take your broke ass home, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. When I realized my life was my own with my own choices to make and I felt so free and just GLAMOROUS. Fergie spelled it out for me then.

Disturbia by Rihanna - Put on your brake lights, you're in the city of woner ain't gonna play nice, watch out you might just go under, Better think twice, your train of thoguht will be altered, So if you must falter be wise. My first hip hop song I liked when I decided I was going to listen to hip hop music to keep my thinking upbeat. I saw Rihanna perform it on MTV Awards. Finally, a singer I knew! Then I watched Disturbia just to hear the song in it. Spoiler note, the movie doesn't have it in it.

Irreplaceable by Beyonce, To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left... Standing in the front yard telling me, How I'm such a fool, talking about, How I'll never ever find a man like you, You got me twisted, You must not know 'bout me... I could have another you in a minute, Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby... I can have another you by tomorrow, So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable. When my relationship with Brando stood in the way of what I wanted.

No Air by Jordan Sparks, Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air... So how do you expect me to live alone with just me, 'Cause my world revolves around you, It's so hard for me to breathe... Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air, Can't live, can't breathe with no air, It's how I feel whenever you ain't there, It's no air, no air, Got me out here in the water so deep, Tell me how you gonna be without me, If you ain't here, I just can't breathe, It's no air, no air. When Brando wanted to be there with me but I still couldn't figure out how to be who I needed to be with him there.

Battlefield by Jordan Sparks, Don't try to explain our mind, I know what's happening here, One minute it's love, And suddenly it's like a battlefield. One word turns into a war, Why is it the smallest things that tear us down? My world's nothing when you don't, I'm not here without a shield, Can't go back now. Both hands, tied behind my back with nothing, Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again, Why we gotta fall for it now, I never meant to start a war, You know I never wanna hurt you, Don't even know what we're fighting for, Why does love always like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?... Guess you better go and get your armor." When I decided I wanted my relationship with Brando and we fought for it. Oh, did we fight. We were in the Crazy Cycle a LOT.

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis, I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you, They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth, My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing. You cute me open, And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love, I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love... You cut me open. But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. When I wanted my relationship but it didn't seem worth salvaging, even to my friends who loved me and had my back in the worst of it.

Please Don't Leave Me by Pink, I don't know if I can yell any louder, How many times have I kicked you out of here? Or said something insulting? I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of really anything, I can cut you into pieces, When my heart is, broken. Please don't leave me, Please don't leave me, I always say how I don't need you, But it's always gonna come right back to this, Please don't leave me. How did I become so obnoxious, What is it with you that makes me act like this, I've never been this nasty, Can't you tell that this is all just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest, but baby I don't mean it, I mean it, I promise. Please don't leave me, Baby, please don't leave me. When my relationship seemed worth salvaging, but I couldn't bring myself to make my side pleasant.

There was no song there for awhile during last semester while I was in survival mode.

Right now is what inspired this whole post because it weirds me out that I'm back to the song from my wedding to mark a time in my life... Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, So close, no matter how far, Couldn't be much more from the heart, Forever trusting in who we are, and nothing else matters... Life is ours, we live it our way... Every day for us something new, Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters. If I were to look back at right now I would say this is when we discovered we could make decisions together. It doesn't really matter if it's the right one or not, it matters that we make it together. And, as a side note, we screw ourselves when we don't make it together. Just sayin'.

Crazy. Love.

Top Five Benefits from the Fat Flush Plan

1. My skin looks fantastic. I've never had huge problems breaking out, but I certainly didn't have clear skin. Now I have NO problems.

2. I've had so much energy the last couple weeks not drinking any coffee. Way more energy than I ever had with drinking coffee. I actually thought it wasn't possible to be cheery in the morning without coffee and toast, but now I spring out of bed. It feels almost too good to be true.

3. I've lost 8 pounds. My pants fit again!! Bye-bye muffin top.

4. I've learned self control with food again. Going to have to keep working on that one, though. Deserts and fried foods galore in Texas - it's hard to go out and order something that doesn't have lots of carbs, isn't fried, and doesn't contain pork. Fortunately I've discovered quite a few Austin restaurants closer to downtown that don't cater to that cuisine. Unfortunately with those foods, the more I eat the more I want.

5. I've remembered what healthy is. I used to know a long time ago, but in between a full time semester, being a mom of two kids, being a wife and having a house to take care of, I totally forgot what healthy was. I was eating whatever I like, however much I like. My philosophy was I'm already eating bad any way so why not just keep eating bad some more?

Oh, and I just remembered a sixth. My recent constant headaches went away! Unfortunately, the day I reintroduced sugar they came back, so I'm off to try something different for those. But for a solid two weeks while I was strictly on the Fat Flush Plan I was headache free.

On top of doing the Fat Flush Plan, I purchased the Skinnygirl Dish to help keep my mind frame about eating properly. Skinnygirl has some fantastic tips for staying healthy once you get your body detoxed and back to healthy mode. In my opinion any way, the detox should come first. I love her philosophy of picking your splurges. Instead of having beer, desert, cheese, pasta and bread, just pick one. It's awesome, and I've been using it the last couple days. For example Sunday I just had a bite of cake instead of eating the whole cake. I had a glass of champagne as well. Later on instead of having a beer, I had vodka with soda water and lime. I hate to say it, but normally my status quo would've been the whole cake, a glass of champagne, a cocktail, and a shot (it was all offered free), then several beers later. Yikes!!

One tip she has that I forgot to use yesterday but realized afterwards what an awesome tip it is: when you get your drink ask for a lot of ice. Drink your drink slowly and when the ice melts you still get the flavor of the drink but you're actually getting more water than drink. What a great idea for me especially since I'm over the crazy drunk stage.

A New Semester Begins

And I'm exhausted. Not from class. My art history class was not as bad as I'd imagined, and stayed up til 1am stressing over those imaginations. I'm actually looking forward to it. I cut down my load from four classes to three this semester mostly because I feel like I aged ten years last semester trying to juggle family, school, and surviving. However, I'm hoping taking three classes doesn't give me too much time to putz though. I'm good at putzing. On the other hand, I do hope it gives me enough time for balance. This week is only syllabi, but I should be reading my first chapter in history. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed textbooks are sixteen chapters long? A chapter a week. Makes sense! Any who, now that I've got this out on paper I"m off to read that chapter.

Sooooo not feeling the love lately

I'm loving Allison's bullet point posts lately, so I may steal her idea:

*Lost eight pounds with the Fat Flush Plan by Dr. Ann Louise. Felt AHmazing! I fit in my pants again! Been meaning to post photos of the delicious recipes I've been making on my main blog, but haven't got to it. I feel fantastic! Now to maintain it.

*Brandon lost ten pounds with the same detox plan. Here's to hoping he keeps it off as well.

*Wanting to plan a trip to Hawaii. Super nervous about taking a big trip during school. Regardless, need to buy the tickets so I have something to look forward to and don't back out.

*Feel like last semester aged me three years. But then I look at my previous pictures and I look the same as I do in some of them. Only it seems like I look that way in all my pictures now. Thinking it may be more of a self confidence issue? Need to upload the latest round of pictures and see. Since I've lost weight I feel a little better and maybe my face just had weight on it I wasn't used to.

*As to that weight. Yeah, I put on that freshman eight. Here's to hoping the second semester doesn't do me back in. Rocking the PB&Js this semester for lunch.

*I get bored easily. I'm already bored with school. No, not particularly with school. I loooooove learning. But the IDEA of it I'm totally bored with. Especially that this will be my life for the next 4-5 years or possibly longer. Du-umb. I need to have better time management so I can still live a life and not live in fear of vacations during school time!!

*Speaking of time management, only taking three classes this semester. Made President's Honor Roll last semester taking twelve credits and making all As. But, surprise! Registration opened in October. I was like, "Wha-? Whoa!", signed up hurredly for classes while still studying for exams, then realized I'd signed up with a shit trigonometry professor, and signed up for Art History (which I hear is intense), History II, and Comp II besides. With even the thought of that crazy core load stressing me the hell out, it was stay with the shit trig prof, or take Art History (I have no idea how this prof is). Since this is my first go around at math EVER, I decided I need a good professor in that realm, so I'll take trig this summer with a good professor and went ahead and unregistered for the spring semester class once finals were done and I could clear my head and breathe.

*History II is with my History I professor, so I kinda know what to expect from him. That's nice.

*So unmotivated when the kids are home lately. We've reached an impasse where they don't want to do what I want to do, and I don't want to to do what they want to do so we do nothing. Or rather hang out at the house. I'm trying to learn how to hike where I enjoy it, so I can take them. I think they enjoy that. If not, they darn well better learn how to especially if I have!! I went with my girlfriend on Tuesday and we had a blast. It helped it was a gorgeous day.

*Brando and I are okay. Not bad, not good. When I go out with my girls and see all the creeps at the bar I am sooooo glad to have him to come home to. And then I go out again the next night! No, seriously, I have slowed down on the partying since school started mostly out of necessity and just not feeling it with all the exhaustion of life and school. I've found a group of girls who are single and more than likely staying that way for awhile who love to go to all the free events I love to go to, that are earlier in the evening and usually end with me in bed or at least home at midnight, versus staying out til' 3am in the morning. Can't do that so often anymore. With the stress of school and family, that would REALLY do me in haha.

*Oh, back to Brando and I. Not much more to say there. Trying to work together. Trying to get him into school via a program that turns life experience into school credit. At first he went in kicking and screaming saying he wasn't doing anything for four years until I was done. When he came back out, he was like oh that's not so bad. I could become a student and then just take it slow for a few years. Yesssss!!! (imagine motioning for a truck driver to honk his horn, only do it as a victory pull)

*That's it. School starts next week, and I'm looking forward to it in a nervous, where's my life going to go again sort of way.

Online retreat?

Why am I so hesitant to blog/Twitter/facebook my life lately? Just now I typed this in:

College offices are open again today! Counseling/advising check. Replace student id check. Pick up transcript check. Feeling productive!

But hesitated before I hit the 'send tweet' button then decided not to send it.

Such a 180 from wanting every aspect of my life online to remember forever - the fun times, the partying with the girls, the Saturday afternoons enjoying a day with one of my girls. Maybe I don't like my life anymore. Maybe I don't think it's worth putting out there for everyone to see. Maybe I'm ashamed of it. Or bored of it. Or maybe I just realized that everybody goes through it so why would they want to hear more about it.