Time in Songs

I love how songs marks times in life.

Brando and I have gone through a LOT in the last three years. I don't usually pour my soul out, especially about my marriage, because, really, I love you, but it's none of your business. Plus, I like to make you smile, and this doesn't make me smile, so why would it make you?

Looking back, though, we went through hell and back and it's still hot. I don't mind talking about what I went through anymore if my experience is going to help someone who might be there, in the place I was, wondering if my marriage was for me or not. Wondering if staying in my marriage would allow me to be who I want to be fully, without holding me back. Wondering if the man I loved would still be there and not hate me for it at the end.

Speaking of my experience, songs are the perfect way to tell it. Songs have their own meanings, but through the years I've tended to apply my own meanings to the lyrics, whether it's the original meaning, a twisted perspective of meaning (can you tell I'm taking and loving my art history class ;), or another meaning altogether. Whatever the meaning ends up being, the song ends up carrying me through that time, until I move on to the next stage in life, and the next song. Then, I totally hate it. For example, I can't STAND these Fergie songs, or Fergie at all anymore, because it reminds me of these songs. It pained me to hear them just to go through them to put them on here. But they were a part of my life, and I'm not willing to let go of that part of my life. By the way, I've linked to the months these songs meant the most, and while that was the time period in my life, there may be only a hint or two to what I was going through at that time, not a whole post except for a very few exceptions.

Starting from the beginning (oh, and totally ignore the fact there's no comments. I used to use a commenting code, one that I can't even remember the name of, until Blogger got their act together, only now I wish I hadn't because it erased all my comments when I switched back to blogger. Sadness. I still feel all the love that you left), aka July 2007:

Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie, I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, But I've got to get a move on with my life, It's time to be a big girl now, And big girls don't cry... The path that I'm walking', I must go alonge, I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown, Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay, I hope you know, I hope you know, That this has nothing to do with you, It's personal, myself and I, We've got some straightenin' out to do... I need to be with myself, and center, Clarity, peace, serenity. When I pulled up my britches, got over my pity party of myself and my parents choice to not send me to school this song carried me through. That was the time I realized my education is my choice now, and it was my choice to do something about it. I also realized that I get to choose how I enjoy my life, and thought I wouldn't be able to do that with Brando by my side.

Glamourous by Fergie, We flying the first class, Up in the sky, Poppin' champagne, Livin' the life, In the fast lane, And I won't change, By the Glamourous, oh the flossy flossy... I'm talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams, You deserve nothing but all the finer things... So if you ain't got no money take your broke ass home, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. When I realized my life was my own with my own choices to make and I felt so free and just GLAMOROUS. Fergie spelled it out for me then.

Disturbia by Rihanna - Put on your brake lights, you're in the city of woner ain't gonna play nice, watch out you might just go under, Better think twice, your train of thoguht will be altered, So if you must falter be wise. My first hip hop song I liked when I decided I was going to listen to hip hop music to keep my thinking upbeat. I saw Rihanna perform it on MTV Awards. Finally, a singer I knew! Then I watched Disturbia just to hear the song in it. Spoiler note, the movie doesn't have it in it.

Irreplaceable by Beyonce, To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left... Standing in the front yard telling me, How I'm such a fool, talking about, How I'll never ever find a man like you, You got me twisted, You must not know 'bout me... I could have another you in a minute, Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby... I can have another you by tomorrow, So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable. When my relationship with Brando stood in the way of what I wanted.

No Air by Jordan Sparks, Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air... So how do you expect me to live alone with just me, 'Cause my world revolves around you, It's so hard for me to breathe... Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air, Can't live, can't breathe with no air, It's how I feel whenever you ain't there, It's no air, no air, Got me out here in the water so deep, Tell me how you gonna be without me, If you ain't here, I just can't breathe, It's no air, no air. When Brando wanted to be there with me but I still couldn't figure out how to be who I needed to be with him there.

Battlefield by Jordan Sparks, Don't try to explain our mind, I know what's happening here, One minute it's love, And suddenly it's like a battlefield. One word turns into a war, Why is it the smallest things that tear us down? My world's nothing when you don't, I'm not here without a shield, Can't go back now. Both hands, tied behind my back with nothing, Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again, Why we gotta fall for it now, I never meant to start a war, You know I never wanna hurt you, Don't even know what we're fighting for, Why does love always like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?... Guess you better go and get your armor." When I decided I wanted my relationship with Brando and we fought for it. Oh, did we fight. We were in the Crazy Cycle a LOT.

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis, I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you, They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth, My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing. You cute me open, And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love, I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love... You cut me open. But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. When I wanted my relationship but it didn't seem worth salvaging, even to my friends who loved me and had my back in the worst of it.

Please Don't Leave Me by Pink, I don't know if I can yell any louder, How many times have I kicked you out of here? Or said something insulting? I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of really anything, I can cut you into pieces, When my heart is, broken. Please don't leave me, Please don't leave me, I always say how I don't need you, But it's always gonna come right back to this, Please don't leave me. How did I become so obnoxious, What is it with you that makes me act like this, I've never been this nasty, Can't you tell that this is all just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest, but baby I don't mean it, I mean it, I promise. Please don't leave me, Baby, please don't leave me. When my relationship seemed worth salvaging, but I couldn't bring myself to make my side pleasant.

There was no song there for awhile during last semester while I was in survival mode.

Right now is what inspired this whole post because it weirds me out that I'm back to the song from my wedding to mark a time in my life... Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, So close, no matter how far, Couldn't be much more from the heart, Forever trusting in who we are, and nothing else matters... Life is ours, we live it our way... Every day for us something new, Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters. If I were to look back at right now I would say this is when we discovered we could make decisions together. It doesn't really matter if it's the right one or not, it matters that we make it together. And, as a side note, we screw ourselves when we don't make it together. Just sayin'.

Crazy. Love.