FINALLY went grocery shopping

for the first time since we got back from our trip. Love having fresh fruit and veggies in the house. Also bought Ezekiel Golden Flax cereal which is deliciously earthy and grainy. I'm eating it by itself because I'm strange like that, but I bet it would be even more delicious with yogurt and fresh berries. I love that sprouted whole wheat grain is it's first ingredient. Apparently sprouted whole wheat is caught just before it blooms into the full wheat stalk and has less gluten than fully bloomed wheat.

Another of my all time faves is Annie Chun's Miso Soup. So quick, easy, and incredibly healthy. And Wal-mart has it for Wal-mart prices. Our local grocery store, HEB, doesn't actually carry it, which is strange. I also bought their Udon flavor, as those are the only two flavors they carry.

Amongst my favorite options of food to have in the house is tons of fresh fruit and veggies. Today was red, yellow, and orange bell pepper, cucumbers, avocado, broccoli, baby organic carrots in a cute snack pack, cauliflower, honeycrisp apples, blackberries, raspberries, bananas, and purple and green grapes. As soon as the boys got home I made sure they stuffed themselves full of baby carrots, cucumbers, avocado, and bell pepper to make up for all the junk they've been eating and lack of fresh fruits and veggies.

For after-school snacks, it's a different story. Though we do the veggie option when I have it available, I like to make sure I have somewhat wholesome (okay, not at all, but they have main ingredients that let me pretend they are, any way) snacks that will stay around for as long as I have them. The boys take a snack to school that they eat mid-morning and have a snack as soon as they get home in the afternoon. And, believe me, they need it. I've tried going without snacks and can we just say meltdown city. I try to expand my horizons on these, because I am SO nit pickily healthy I can tend to keep the options super limited. My attempt at branching out included Ritz Garden Vegetable crackers with cheese - the multi grain makes me feel better and I like that the first ingredient is whole grain wheat flour and not some bleached or enriched version of flour,

Scrabble Cheeze-Its - I remember eating Cheez-Its as a kid and though enriched flour is the first ingredient the fact that they have real white cheddar cheese listed as an ingredient kinda makes up for it,

Fig Newtons - this was a childhood staple for me and I continue to love them possibly because figs are the third ingredient,

and Nutter Butters - the real peanut butter bit makes it a passable snack for my kiddos.

Wal-mart has these all in convenient packages ready to grab and go for school. I used to be a snack nazi and never allow my kids to have snacks, which turns out doesn't work really well when you have growing boys. Now I try to limit it but not be too strict that they don't get the energy their body needs when their hungry, which is essentially at all times of the day, thus the scheduled two snacks a day : ) .

This time I also bought Capri Suns 100% juice. Although I used to drink their sugar laden juices when I was a kid, I have been a Capri Sun nazi for my kids without waver, except at birthday parties or sports events. Now, I'm caving and getting their 100% juice, due to my recently enlightened knowledge of the importance of fluids in our diet.

Ugh, I just realized I fell victim to seeing "nutritious" on the label and thinking that meant it was so and mistakenly bought Capri Sun's Sunrise Juice as well, where sugar is the second ingredient. Lesson learned.

In the area of yogurt I can also tend to turn my nose up at the kid friendly packaging with all the sugars surrounding them. I have caved on Danimals Yogurts, though, as the ingredients seem the same as Yoplait's, and the sugar content no more, if not less.

I did get a few full-on health guru snacks like pistachios and dried un-sulphured apples as well.

To round it out, I got deli fresh Boar's Head Lemon Pepper Chicken and Oven Roasted turkey, along with my Le Tortilla Factory Wheat Tortillas

and Red Pepper Hummus for me along with the first two items I mentioned. Yum.

Deep, Dark Place and Silver Linings

I just spent the last fifteen minutes sobbing into my pillow like I did when I found out I was pregnant, and when I found out the guy didn't actually love me.

A simple, stupid thing was the straw on the camel's back that sent me spiraling down. The boys woke up this morning and asked if they could watch a movie on netflix through the tv. Brando said no. I told Brando I usually let them if they have everything done. So Brando said, "If you have everything done, then go ahead." Shawners had everything done like the organized little boy he is, but of course Justinbustin didn't. So when I got up to take them to school I asked Justinbustin if he'd brushed his teeth and he said, "Yes, well, yes. No." So then I harped on him for lying and the morning went downhill from there. He brushed his teeth, but then we were about to be late to drop them off for school, and sped out the door while he forgot his poster that's due today. It was actually due a week ago but he got an extension because of our trip. We are in the midst of trying to make sure he makes his own choices this week with school work and keeping track of everything and now I feel like I've let him down by taking him back home to get his poster.

It went way too far down from there and I got stuck in the guilty spiral that led me to lashing out at him, at Brando, at myself, which all led to the sobs. This on top of the pain I'm STILL feeling in my back and my arm. Today I feel like I just want to take muscle relaxants and sleep and not feel the pain for once. Of course, I'm not going to. I hate putting drugs in my body. But in the meantime my body is tense and stressed because I am sick of feeling the pain. At this point I don't know if I am in as much pain as I used to be in and I'm just working through it because the chiro tells me it's okay pain, or I'm just sore and this will get better. I don't know, and it overwhelms me.

And I'm worried I'm doing Justinbustin wrong by being so hard on him about academia. Academia is stupid if you don't have morals and character. His biological father was brilliant, and a genius. But he had no character, and therefore he has no impact, he is nothing. I'm worried I'm not building Justinbustin's character by coming down hard on him about schoolwork. At the same time, his teacher rated him 'poor' for taking responsibility for his own decisions on Monday, so I wonder if I make too many excuses for him out of fear that he will become what I despised about his biological. I wonder if I perpetuate the problem by taking responsibility myself for anything he does wrong instead of just letting him learn from his mistakes.

I'm on the fence and don't know which side to jump to. I feel like one side has angry pit bulls and the other side has angry Dobermans. I don't know which side is the wise choice.

I want him to take responsibility for his own choices, but I DON'T want him to think schoolwork is important above all else. A family is important above all else, and that's it. Nothing else. His poster he forgot today was for a project where he helped a family out this weekend by moving rocks and piles of dirt to create a water barrier for the mother's bedroom because it got flooded in the tropical storm we had last year. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom because the room flooded from water which got trapped underneath and the resulting mold was making her sick. So Justinbustin helped move dirt and rocks to finish up a previous group volunteer effort to protect the area when rains come again so that the room didn't flood again. I AM SO EFFEN PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT. These are the things that matter. Not his stupid teacher saying he doesn't take responsibility for his decisions. He takes responsibility for that. Okay, I am going to lunch with him today and telling him these things. And apologizing again for the awful thing I said to him this morning.

So I remember I need to remember the silver linings to all this. And I sobbed thinking of having to deal with the pain, these tough decisions, the aftermath whatever it is and will be, and all the while remember the silver linings.

The silver linings of my back: my arm is better!! After months of occupational therapy that fortunately didn't cost me hundreds of dollars unfortunately like this chiropractor is costing me, but also didn't work, my arm is better after seeing the chiropractor FINALLY. I didn't ever think life was going to feel semi-normal again with my arm, and now it has.

The silver linings of going through this growing pains with Justinbustin: Middle school *crossing fingers* should be easier if we can get this figured out in fifth grade. Just please God don't let me sabotage the process as long as it will build his character.

The silver linings of feeling like I'm constantly in pain: maybe the end is in sight? It's always so difficult and new in the beginning of everything and there's a very big push that has to happen to get through it, but it seems like the same thing happens in the end as well and you have to push through it. Maybe I have to push through this.

The silver lining of my arm: I stopped wasting time volunteering when I needed to be volunteering for my own family and for our own business.

Another silver lining of my back: In addition to my arm, when my back happened on top of it all, I realized I needed to stop wasting so much time with friends and invest that time with my family and our business. I say wasting time, but really, I just mean I'm learning, as my chiro says, "the power of no". I had to learn the power of no when I started hanging out with girlfriends - telling Brando no, and myself no to hanging out so much with him and saying yes to hanging out with girlfriends. Brando didn't care, but I did. And I reaped the rewards a hundredfold. Now, I have to learn the power of saying no to hanging out with girlfriends, and saying yes to hanging out with Brando and investing in our family and our business. Crossing fingers I reap the rewards of that as well.

Another silver lining of my back: I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. My abs are rock hard, and I've been running for the first time in my life. I don't know if I'm just working through the pain and it's really still the same or if I'm just sore from everything I've been doing and it's pain I'll get better from, but, regardless, I've never been in such good shape. It feels awesome, and I look awesome in the mirror.

The silver linings of going through this deep, dark place: I have all these realizations as a result. I have a thought of going to lunch with first Justinbustin, then Shawners, and making things right. I came up with a way to move forward from this deep, dark place, and with my day. This is something I usually am not able to do right away when this starts. I allowed myself to sob this morning, and put a pillow over me so that the neighbors didn't hear it, and that was cleansing as I thought through all these thoughts and came here to let them rest on paper so I can move forward to this day, and from this place.

Man, the devil likes to get footholds

But this is exactly the reason why I'm so delighted to be here right now.

A customer just got robbed in front of Brando's bank, setting them back from closing about an hour. The customer is okay it sounds like, and so are they, thank goodness.

It is time for us to start working on something that will take him out of the banking business, or at least direct contact at a store front.

On a Blogging Spree Today

So delighted that I am going to be home tonight and available when my hubby comes home and not rushing out the door like ships passing in the night.

FB Status

Got asked if I was Justinbustin's sister yesterday before Shawner's game, then told I didn't look a day over 18 and don't look like I could have any kids, much less one as big as Justinbustin. I told her thanks, I'm turning 30 this year so I totally appreciated she said that. Secretly inside I did one of those fist pulls you do when you're winning and said YES. The person even asked the guy behind me in line, "Seriously, doesn't she look 18?" I didn't turn around to see what he looked like, but I did hear him go, "Yup." as I walked out. Thanks, random person, for making my day.

Brando and I also got told we looked 18 and not old enough to have kids when we were in line at the security gate at the airport. That was the best wait in line at a security gate ever - the TSA agents kept coming up to the kids and chatting with them and giving them stickers, and the guy who said we didn't look 18 totally entertained the kids and chatted with us the whole time about his life in the Navy seals. Totally put a smile on my face.

I did it

Thanks to my chiro's suggestion to "do the hardest thing first" after I bawled my eyes out in front of him from stress of not wanting to deal with telling the girls' I don't want to do girls' night tonight and the strain my body is taking on itself as a result, I finally put it out there to the girls that I'm reclaiming my Monday nights for myself, my hubs, our boys, and our business, and not doing girls' night for awhile. Seriously, this guy is a catch, and pretty sure he's not married, so, Teagan, if you're reading this and want to come to Austin, I have somebody you need to talk to.

My email to Li to let her know:

So.... knowing you and knowing how well you know me, I'm sure you saw this coming. I won't be attending girls' night for the near future. My life has changed dramatically the last year and having these back issues shoved it in my face. Brando and I are wanting to get off the fence so to speak, and start a business. As well as I woke up one day and realized I have a middle schooler that's gone two nights out of the week, volunteering or gone camping on the weekend more often than not, and loaded with homework most afternoons. With Brando's new position having him work twelve hour days, there's not much time for all that we want to accomplish in addition to quality time together by ourselves, together with our boys, and with each boy separately. So I'm taking my Monday nights back. For now. I hope I'll be welcome if that situation changes : ) . I hope things have been going well for you guys on girls night. I've so been wanting to get together and talk to you face to face about it, but that hasn't happened. Let's make it happen soon?

Her reply to me:

omg yes! apparently i need to stop by and just listen to you talk about what the hecks been happening in your life!! what day and time-ish this wk works for you and i'll MAKE it work for me? :) love you miss you!!

and no, girls nights def not the same without our psd. we all miss you and don't feel our circles complete, but of course, we understand. :)

Eek

Going through my reader and marking all as read. Being away just put me too far behind and I am not about to spend my days catching up with all but the most important.