Pregnant

Oh, goodness. Here we go.

Brando and I have been trying, as you well know. This month we went full force. Previous months we were pretty "safe" around my period time. This time we went straight for the middle of the month. Last night after really, really wanting a glass of port or a Chip*tle margarita, I decided I'd take a pregnancy test and if it was negative, have my darn port or margarita. Only. It was positive. I've spent most of the day going between being okay and freaking out. Yes, I realize we were going for it and yes I would've been sad if it was a negative, but I didn't realize the full range of emotions I would go through when it actually happened. Also, I'd kind of resigned myself to not trying again if I wasn't pregnant as Brando is getting on a steroid nasal spray for his allergies and I didn't want that to be a part of it. So. I'd kind of resigned myself to not being pregnant. Only, I am.

I've told Brando's mom, my sister, my mom, my other sister, and one good friend who is also pregnant :) and now you. Shawners is excited, and Justinbustin doesn't care either way.

I go between SO FREAKIN' nervous; I'm okay; this is what I wanted; at least Brando and I are married and not divorced off with another spouse and having a "fresh" start with another spouse putting the kids through that; how the hell am I going to do this; will I have enough love for all three; will either of the boys feel left out; will Brando and I still be as in love as we are right now; oh, sh*t, this is going to affect our date life; I'm okay; what was I thinking?; I wanted another kid, it was now or never; my Mom did this at my age, I can do it, too; oh, crap, I'm pretty sure my Mom and Dad were much further along in their lives at this age but maybe they weren't; I'm okay; is this child going to feel like an only child, 'cuz pretty sure we're done after this; hope this nervousness doesn't turn into a panic attack - keep saying nervous, it will keep the anxiety away; I love this man so much - I should be excited we are creating another life!! NOT nervous; I'm still nervous; ahhhh, my boys are SO handsome and sweet and I love them so much - they totally complete me and now I'm throwing a curveball at them - will they still be so handsome and sweet and love me so much?; I'm okay.

My sister says another will be a blessing. That generations before had older siblings, then younger siblings to experience babies, then the older siblings would have babies and the younger siblings would experience babies. Her boys had my boys as babies. Mine will have their younger sibling, and possibly a second cousin. That encourages me a little bit.

My sister in California is excited.

The boys are being sweet and extra sensitive with me.

Brando took me on a date this evening.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.