Falling down around me

Just wrote a huge post and my phone died. Ugh. Here goes retyping.

My sisters dealing with long term affects from an accident back in December. So much so my Mom's coming out to take care of her. Which has me worried, my moms no spring chicken. The awesome lacrosse coach Justin worked with just got cancer. Brando's brother isn't talking to me and removed me from his Facebook. Brando's mom suggested I get on anti-depressants (in defense of her son, but the wrong son).

At least my sister and I made up when I finally called to talk. We agreed things would be different, like I wouldn't put up with her negativity about her family.  Except when I told her about my mom coming out, she was pissed off my mom couldn't babysit her kids, no concern for my mom, no concern for my sister.

Not to mention I'm dealing with feeling like an empty nester already. Justinbustin's fourteen and been gone the first week and a half of summer already. Shawners been gone from 9-12 at vbs or volunteering.

I'm already the old lady going back to school. And really I have no desire to after having kids. Everything else pales in comparison. Not arguing people do good with their educations and educate others (dr r in the house), or work on their career before they have kids.

I have zero motivation to work, go to school, clean house, cook, anything but volunteer for the boys school, eat at fun places, sleep with Brandon, work on photos, and support opportunities for the boys.

I feel like when babies are around, there's always a reason to smile. Brando's a hard sell these days, Justin doesn't want to babysit, and Shawners wants a little brother or sister. Babies are what I do, plus I want my kiddos to have lots of siblings.

Feel like a total loser right now.

Transition time

Schools about to let out for summer. A huge transition time for me. And a major trigger for depression and anxiety for me. Oh boy.

Holy crap

This is what I've felt all along but never seen put into words.

More on exercise

Not sure how technical a 'skinny fat body' is... But definitely want to do more research on this. Justin does weights and running every morning at school, which I'm not necessarily on board with. I met a Mom in the waiting room for Shawner's arm that had her 13 year old in there for the same reason but also had brought him in prior because his muscles were so tense from sports and working out they weren't growing with his bones when he got his growth spurt. She mentioned the doctors see a LOT of this these days with all the sports and working out the kids are doing.

Interesting

Exercise addiction... Wonder what the dopamine level is on exercise. If you didn't read my dopamine post on PSD, this is one of the reasons this interests me.

Yearbook ugh

WHY am I still having dreams/semi-nightmares about the yearbook?! Seriously!! I can still put photos that didn't make it into the slideshow. Besides I didn't leave a restricted kid in and THAT'S the big deal, not leaving a kid out. The principal, PTA president, every single grade, and each club chair signed off on it when I ran it by them. Why can't I let it go?!?!?!

Jobs biography continued

Couldn't use my phone to take note as I read today as I was volunteering as a state test monitor at Justinbustin's school, so tried to remember what I wanted to go back and find to write down:

*if you have to have a slide presentation, you don't know your information well enough

*three clicks is all you should have to do to get to the information you want

*white is sophisticated and quiet, bold and dominating

*if you aren't doing what you do for people like your family then you won't low what you're doing

*don't be afraid of cannibalizing yourself - if you don't someone else will

*darn I wish I could remember the last one but don't!!

Reading continued later:

Bono, in regards to collaborating with Jobs on a limited iPod, and comparing Steve to a lead singer in a band, "These men have helped design the most beautiful art object in music culture since the electric guitar. The job of art is to chase ugliness away." p. 423

Jobs, on Yo-Yo Ma playing Bach on the cello in Jobs' living room, "You playing is the best argument I've ever heard for the existence of God, because I don't really believe a human alone can do this" p. 425