Who I Am

I just realized something about myself. When I feel like an injustice has been done, I cut the person I feel was responsible out of the picture. Especially when it comes to my son. This can be a detrimental thing.

Justinbustin went on a boy scout camping trip and got bit 72+ times by chiggers. His reaction to bug bites is pretty intense - in other words you gasp when you look at the swollen bites on his leg. He's staying home from sch*ol for the second day today. The boy scout trip he went on was a black *ps mission trip. Only. He didn't get to do the super boy fun black *ps part. He had to man a station. Because he's on the A team/leadership team. First off, I've always been a little pissy that they didn't freakin' assign him a leadership position in the first place when they were assigning everybody else from his pack a position. I had to freakin' email and ask. Only then did they 'come up' with a few positions that they offered him. Both which kinda sucked in my opinion - troop secretary or quartermaster (takes inventory of all supplies). It actually makes me see red thinking about it. I didn't say anything. He took on quartermaster and has been doing something (I think) with it since. Not really much, because his position isn't required for every trip like I would love it to be, but he does something sometimes. That made me mad. I felt that was an injustice. But I let it ride.

Now. As a result, he is on the A-Team/leadership team which is kinda cool because not a lot of kids are on it. At the same time, not a lot of kids are on it besides all the Dads. So when it's only him and one other kid, and that other kid has to go home early, guess who's stuck eating by himself with all the Dads? Yeah. He kinda liked that part, but it PISSed me off, especially since HIS dad wasn't there. In addition, the whole not being part of the black *ps thing? He said he had to be manning a station because he was on the A team. So here he goes to this event he's super looking forward to, nobody tells him he won't be allowed to participate, I spend $66 buying stupid effen (sorry, I'm really mad) supplies for said black *ps that ALL the other kids end up flippin' using, comes home covered in chiggers, and gets tears in his eyes every time I ask him about what happened that night.

Not only am I RAGING MAMA BEAR MAD, I also start to wonder did something else happen? At some point, he's the only kid with a bunch of Dads. NOT EXACTLY the buddy system they are supposed to have. This part really gets me mad. What else happened? Brando says to stop questioning Justinbustin, but I'm not going to. Why is my son getting tears in his eyes when I ask him about a darn campout?

Okay. So all that. Then, I realize, I just want to take him out of the troop. I am done. SO DONE. And then I start crying the minute I type that because that is the dumbest way to go. But I am SO MAD I want to get back at these people and take away my precious son from them so they can't hurt him anymore. Then, I realize, that's what I did with his youth group (he's now transitioned into one that he goes to up here with a good friend from school) when the leader tried to convince me to hold him back in effen youth group and Justinbustin cried many tears saying his friends are where he's at and he doesn't want to be held back in youth group - it's already happened at school through no fault of his own (his birthday affected it, and the fact that when we first put him in school we put him a grade higher because the grade he should've gone in was full, which we evened out later). I don't want to do what I did with youth group with boy scouts, too.

Then, I realize, this is what I did with Jer*my. The biological Dad. When he decided he didn't want to be a part of our lives, I cut him out. I said okay. See ya. I am SO DONE with you. And I think I've been doing it ever since. I realized I did it with me, but I was fine with that. I was fine with cutting people out of my life who didn't deserve to be there. Now, if I do that to my son, he will miss out on some amazing opportunities he is privileged to be a part of. Now that I think about it, maybe I have missed out on some amazing opportunities myself, but I haven't cared. I can't do that to him, especially when he does care, and when he does have a choice.

So. Going forward. I realize what we SHOULD've done with youth group. We should've gotten involved. Been a part of what was going on. Instead of resisting, we should've been part of the solution. So now I am going to ask Brando to step up his involvement with Justinbustin's boy scouts - be there for the next few meetings. Figure out what is going on and how he can help Justinbustin be the leader I realize he wants to be. Figure out why he may be being ostracized. Is he not stepping up enough? Are they stepping on him? WHAT is going on?! And note to myself MAKE SURE you know who Justinbustin is riding with. This last time he rode with a guy I've only talked to once, this was the same guy who told him he couldn't do the black *ps. Maybe he was trying to be helpful, I don't know, but I am friends with most of the dads, and this one is not my friend. Make sure next time he ONLY goes with those who are my friends. There was one there who is my friend, but I thought I'd let Justinbustin go a little this time and not make a big deal out of him going with that person like I have in the past. Big mistake. Next time, he goes with a friend, and I am going to tell him so so that he is the one that can make sure it happens.

My day was exHAUSting, so I just need to record it here to make myself feel better

*Drop off Shawners at school
*Drop off Justinbustin at school
*Stop by Starbucks and bring Brando and I home an iced chai tea latte and a pumpkin spice latte
*Send Brando off to work
*Spoke with the robotics coach on the phone, took notes, and sent out email
*Spoke on the phone with a t-shirt company for half an hour who may make our robotics t-shirts
*Spoke on the phone for an hour and a half with another robotics coach and ended up hearing her out and counseling her on her sixth grade daughter (such long conversations exhaust me these days)
*Made a work phone call to reschedule an appointment which involved three back and forth calls between the related parties
*Realize I had been trying to skip this week and the boys' do not indeed have early release like I thought today as it is next week
*Feel totally thrown off for my day and realize I can indeed meet with Mai today
*Call Mai to tell her the change of my day and create plans
*Load up tons of things to send home into Shawner's classes' Wednesday folders at his school
*Help a fourth grader back to the cafeteria to eat lunch after looking for his missing lunch in the middle of the folders
*Find his missing lunch after I'd escorted him back which I then brought down to him
*Drove down south to meet one of my besties, Mai, who's in town for a few days
*Had lunch at Torchy's and frozen hot chocolate at Holy Cacao with Mai - a fantastic part of my day!
*Got a work call during lunch and tried my hardest not to be irritated
*Rushed back to Mai's house to help condense her suitcase for her two month tour in Europe she's going on tomorrow
*Rushed back up north to pick up Shawners from school
*Came home and made a few more work calls to sort out the situation at lunch
*Made other work calls and notes to create emails later
*Created an agenda for the robotics meeting
*Rushed back out the door to stop by HEB to pick up snacks and awards for the robotics meeting
*Attended the robotics meeting and nearly chucked my work phone at these crazy kids when my phone started having the person calling talk to me instead of ring
*Handed out awards for core values
*Tried to hold it together while listening to these kids rehearse their presentation skit and somehow manage to cut themselves on an aluminum can and bruise an elbow
*Approve a design for the t-shirts by the team
*Reschedule a staggered robotics meeting for this Saturday
*Return the work call I got during the meeting
*Come home and draft a robotics email addressing the t-shirts and rescheduled meeting, after calling each team member and making sure each was okay with the cost and changes
*Field phone calls from Brando on his way home from work three times
*Addressed the problem of being on-call 24/7 for work and it needing to not happen
*Found out there's a possibility I could get paid for it to happen which I could get on board with
*Arrange for a friend to pick up Justinbustin for youth group
*Review Justinbustin's grades with him online to talk about three of the classes that need work and have him be aware
*Make sure Justinbustin eats dinner before he heads off
*Sign homework for Justinbustin
*Send Justinbustin off to youth group with said friend
*Draft a work phone and voicemail script and thank you email
*Have Shawners cancel his tumbling class as he isn't feeling well
*Finally eat dinner
*Realize I need to respond to a work call while writing this post and do
*Collapse... somewhere
*Oh, wait, I have to go pick up Justinbustin from youth group
*I'll sleep later

*(all without a smart phone because that would have made my day @#$%loads easier - oh, smart phone, I'm coming back again soon, don't you worry)

I sound like I'm self-employed and it sure feels like it!

New Perspective

Last night I texted my sister, "I hate my life. I am so depressed." after a margarita at Chipotle. Not LIKE ME. I'm usually the happy drunk.

Last night I came across this picture. I've seen it before in the sense of being a picture that inspired a girl to become a photographer. Today, it inspired me to be a better person.

This morning I woke up to my boys breaking down the fort they had built to completely cover their room two months ago and have been sleeping in since. Except for the one time Brando and I got into a fight over them breaking it down or not. Brando wanted it broke down for school to start - I wanted it to stay. I loved that 3/4 of their room couldn't be messed up because it was covered in blankets and their little "cubby holes". I loved that they could leave their bedroom door open and have it still be quiet because they were tucked away talking or playing games inside their fort - and not wrestling and throwing things like they normally do. Oh, life with boys, I love it.

I told them something they hate to hear, but I tell them any way because my sister told her three boys and they are the sweetest brothers I have ever met. "Blessed are brethren that dwell together in unity, and you are dwelling together in unity." In the midst of me telling them against their cries of, "Mo-om, we know, we know." I say, "I just want you to know I am blessed and you are blessed." Shawners retorts, "My Mom is blessed." I reply, "Thank God!! I am so happy for that!" and he retorts, "My ancestors are blessed!" to which I also reply, "Wow, that's awesome. Thank God! I am really happy for that!" That child. I want to pinch his cheeks from cuteness sometimes.

On the way to drop Shawners off at school Justinbustin went with me so I could drop him off early so he could clean and practice his trombone before his lesson today. Justinbustin starts talking about how he wants to move Shawner's dresser out of his "room" and put a hammock in there. Shawners immediately starts an outcry, "Justinbustin always gets the BEST stuff." To which I replied with a very proud mommy moment - one that made me feel like a parent.

I got on my wise parent soapbox and told him, "You know, I used to feel that way about my sister. That was part of the reason I moved away from California 'cause I couldn't figure out how to get out from under that. Then I moved here and I got a house, we had you guys, we had a garden, we had a dog and my sister would say, 'Your life is so perfect, I wish I had that.' Then we moved to California for a year and came back to Texas and we moved to our apartment and all of a sudden she had a house, and a garden, and the dogs and I wanted what she had. But you know what? I'm happy for her. I'm happy she has what she has because I trust that the Lord has good things in store for us - maybe that, or maybe something else. He has good things in store for us right now - Dad and I still being together, amazing schools both of you boys are blessed to go too, the same view that the million dollar houses across the canyon have. Over time, I've realized I can't live my life being upset over not having what she has or vice versa, I can only be happy for her and be happy for myself when those things come and with the amazing blessings I do have."

He was quiet afterwards, so I am hoping that it sunk in a little. This is a true heartfelt struggle for me, and part of the reason for my text last night to my sister. I was looking outward, instead of looking inward and upward.

This morning before that conversation, as I sat on my porch drinking my coffee my husband made for me this morning after I simply asked him last night, and watched the colors of the sky change as the sun rose, I read this verse, "I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation." Ps13:5, I realized I have trusted in your mercy - when I got pregnant with Justinbustin, when I married Brando, and my heart has rejoiced in your merciful salvation each of those times, and my heart will trust in your salvation now and I will trust in your mercy now because it will come, and it has come in ways I haven't noticed, just as it did then. He is an amazing God, powerful beyond our belief of a mustard seed, and all I need to do is have that faith of a mustard seed.

Want to write it down before it completely overtakes me

Wow, my perspective changes when I have both home.

I instantly go to completely involving my life around Justinbustin's and Shawners gets left in the dust.

It was almost like having Shawners be the oldest one this week where I got him involved in gymnastics, diving class, behind the scenes zoo, figured out volunteer opportunities for the zoo, and gem stone mining in ONE WEEK where I haven't been able to do that in TWO YEARS for him.

Why am I so obsessed with bringing Justinbustin up right and leaving Shawners behind on his passions?

Totally introspective and maybe too TMI for anybody but me to read, but is it because I have more faith in Shawners type of personality that he will do what he wants just like his Dad, and that I'm concerned about Justinbustin's personality because what if he IS like his bio father?

The funny thing is, i have nothing to worry about with either of them, Shawner's bio goes for exactly what he wants and Justin's bio goes for exactly what he wants - they are just different things.

Maybe that is what I think about with Justinbustin, that I want to make sure he has character and morals, unlike his bio, which is completely a choice and Justinbustin does make that choice over and over making the incredible man he is.

When I decided to keep Justinbustin instead of give him up for adoption I completely gave him to God and told God I couldn't do it alone. I told my parents I couldn't do it alone. And I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember if he was to have a father that was involved. And God did. So Justinbustin's is God's.

This is my prayer. Please, Lord, help me to give Justinbsutin to you daily and support Shawners passions and gifts you have given me equally. Please help me to not be defensive and protective of Justinbustin in his relationship with his Dad. Please help me to support and encourage their relationship exactly how it should be. Please help me to remember to ask Justinbustin what he thinks of their relationship so i can support his view, and to ask the same of Brando so I can support his view, and not my own view of what I think their relationship should be. Please help me to do this with Shawners and his relationship with his Dad as well as he growing up and getting to that point. Please help me continue supporting Shawners passions and gifts You have given him as I have done this week and at the same time keep supporting Justinbustins passions and gifts but with supporting Shawners as well, as well as to support Justinbustin in the adult he is becoming, and Shawners in the adult he is becoming. Please help both Brando and I to treat Justinbustin as an adult, and Shawners as well as he approaches that age, as how we treat him now is how he sees as an acceptable way to treat others. In that regard, I pray that you would give him and Shawners both the wisdom to see that it is not the only way to treat others, and I thank you for the many amazing adults in Justinbustin's life that show him alternatives to treating others. I pray the same opportunities for Shawners with people who love him and support him and show him the way we live is not the only way, and that there are many ways to love You and live Your ways other than what we choose to do. I pray that Brando and I can stop fighting like cats and dogs over petty stuff. Justinbustin's little whistle when we start nitpicking at each other breaks my heart. It's not detrimental to our relationship, but it's so stupid and just plain unnecessary. Please give us the wisdom and maturity to rise above and see the other person's need rather than the annoyance, and rise to meet the need by serving the other person. Thank you for my precious boys, and thank you for bringing Justinbsutin safely back to us from camp and his road trip and the amazing time he had, as well as the amazing time Shawners and I had here at Camp Mommy :) . As I end my prayers with the boys each night, You truly are an awesome, amazing God and we love you. Amen.

My Birthday Loot

Is it silly that I'm 30 and still get excited about birthday loot? No matter. I'm always be excited about birthday loot. The part that gets me the most is people who know me like the back of their hand, and sometimes know me even better than I do. This year's cache is:

*Loads of underwear from VS and Aeropostale from Brando
*A shopping spree at Macy's from Brando
*A beautiful dress from Target and a wide belt to go with it from M and Li
*Self-tanner from M (an inside gift :)

This year's birthdays events are the same kind of thing - the part that gets me most is the people who want to spend time with me:

*A shopping spree from Brando
*Birthday coffee with my sister, W
*Birthday lunch and cupcakes with Brando
*Happy hour turned into night with M and Li
*Birthday dinner at NXNW with Brando and the boys
*Kayaking Town Lake and lunch with Brando
*Dinner at BJ's Brewery with Brando
*Dinner at a new place with Shawners and Brando, then photos at a new place as well
*Pool time with Shawners

In other words, a perfect, perfect 30th birthday.

Here's to the 30s!!

My wishes for this decade:

*Start a business with Brando, have it be running well in 5 years, and have it be providing well for for the next five (and into the 40s)
*Raise my boys to be well-rounded men full of character, able to contribute back to God's work by using the gifts God has given them
*Support Brando in every way possible and learn to have a less sharp tongue
*Let go of my bitterness against siblings who get more from my parents and do less aka the prodigal son and maybe take a lesson from them and let loose a little more (that deserves a post of it's own - been thinking a lot about that lately)
*Have my own thing besides starting the business with Brando - I would love to have it be doing flowers and donating my services to missionaries, or those who serve God

All In a Day's Work

Yesterday, I...

*held a meeting to discuss wedding flowers

*dropped off a school lunch

*hosted four ladies for lunch to discuss the rest of said wedding

*had a business meeting with my business mentor

*picked my boys up from school

*acted as a water victim for my first-class boy scout to rescue

*worked for three hours while I had four boys in my home 

*drove my son to a youth group event

*had a business meeting with Brando while playing frisbee with our son

Conversation between Brando and I

Me: Hey Brando, what would you think of...

Brando: Yes

Me: Okay. Yay! ... Would you like to know what you agreed to?

Brando: Probably something that will cost more money than we have, and something that I will enjoy doing but wouldn't think about doing in the first place.

Me: Um, yes, actually. Exactly. ... Would you like to know the details of what you agreed to?

Brando: Sure.

Me: You agreed to go to NYC for my 30th birthday.

Brando: Yup, I was right on. I should get an award for that. I was so right on.

Power of Positive Thinking

I started a book my Aunt recommended to me when Brando and I had dinner with them in Pebble Beach. She had four books sitting in her house in Pismo that she said we could take, and even though Brando said to, I felt bad taking them and left them for others to enjoy and I would order them on Amazon. The other reason I left them is because they were hardcover, and I'm not one to get comfy with a hard cover book. Any way, I kinda wish I had at least written down the titles because I couldn't remember them! My Aunt did email me one of the titles and it is "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale and mentioned she was introduced to Dr. Peale in her twenties when she was starting out in what they do (very successfully now, by the way) and have followed along his many, many writings since. Another reason I was hesitant to take the books is 'cause I've read a lot of positive thinking articles and so much of it is hype. Okay, yeah, I need to think positively. HOW? I read the all positive reviews online and a lot of them talked about how the book is a guide to living the Christian life which intrigued me. I'm all over that.

So far the first chapter is interesting. Some of it makes me think of what "The Secret" might be about (haven't read that one), but one thing I love is it incorporates key Bible verses to memorize and repeat over and over to yourself. Almost obsessively. Which is perfect, because I can be obsessive. One that I love so far is, "If God is for us, who can be against us." I love that, absolutely love that.

I grew up reading the Bible, having verses around the house on the walls (my favorite was "We will rise up with wings like eagles..."), and having my Mom memorize chapters and chapters for much of my teenage life. It was her way of staying married to my Dad without actually having to talk to him. Now they are silly lovey doveys, I memorized a few chapters but honestly got pretty burnt out after waking up at 4am for bible studies and getting in trouble if we fell asleep. My parents look back now and realize how silly it was, but they were serious at the time and it was quite overwhelming to an eleven year old.

The fact that this book is offering little verses to tuck away along with some background and thoughts behind each one is awesome. I really would love to think positively, and I do, a lot of of the time. But not ALL the time, especially when it comes to overwhelming things like my back or overwhelming goals that wouldn't be if I just did them.

Looking forward to seeing what the rest of the book has to say, and, as always, taking everything with a grain of salt. For this particular example, this is what worked for this guy and has worked for a lot of people but may not work for me or may just need some adjusting in order to work for me.

Deep, Dark Place and Silver Linings

I just spent the last fifteen minutes sobbing into my pillow like I did when I found out I was pregnant, and when I found out the guy didn't actually love me.

A simple, stupid thing was the straw on the camel's back that sent me spiraling down. The boys woke up this morning and asked if they could watch a movie on netflix through the tv. Brando said no. I told Brando I usually let them if they have everything done. So Brando said, "If you have everything done, then go ahead." Shawners had everything done like the organized little boy he is, but of course Justinbustin didn't. So when I got up to take them to school I asked Justinbustin if he'd brushed his teeth and he said, "Yes, well, yes. No." So then I harped on him for lying and the morning went downhill from there. He brushed his teeth, but then we were about to be late to drop them off for school, and sped out the door while he forgot his poster that's due today. It was actually due a week ago but he got an extension because of our trip. We are in the midst of trying to make sure he makes his own choices this week with school work and keeping track of everything and now I feel like I've let him down by taking him back home to get his poster.

It went way too far down from there and I got stuck in the guilty spiral that led me to lashing out at him, at Brando, at myself, which all led to the sobs. This on top of the pain I'm STILL feeling in my back and my arm. Today I feel like I just want to take muscle relaxants and sleep and not feel the pain for once. Of course, I'm not going to. I hate putting drugs in my body. But in the meantime my body is tense and stressed because I am sick of feeling the pain. At this point I don't know if I am in as much pain as I used to be in and I'm just working through it because the chiro tells me it's okay pain, or I'm just sore and this will get better. I don't know, and it overwhelms me.

And I'm worried I'm doing Justinbustin wrong by being so hard on him about academia. Academia is stupid if you don't have morals and character. His biological father was brilliant, and a genius. But he had no character, and therefore he has no impact, he is nothing. I'm worried I'm not building Justinbustin's character by coming down hard on him about schoolwork. At the same time, his teacher rated him 'poor' for taking responsibility for his own decisions on Monday, so I wonder if I make too many excuses for him out of fear that he will become what I despised about his biological. I wonder if I perpetuate the problem by taking responsibility myself for anything he does wrong instead of just letting him learn from his mistakes.

I'm on the fence and don't know which side to jump to. I feel like one side has angry pit bulls and the other side has angry Dobermans. I don't know which side is the wise choice.

I want him to take responsibility for his own choices, but I DON'T want him to think schoolwork is important above all else. A family is important above all else, and that's it. Nothing else. His poster he forgot today was for a project where he helped a family out this weekend by moving rocks and piles of dirt to create a water barrier for the mother's bedroom because it got flooded in the tropical storm we had last year. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom because the room flooded from water which got trapped underneath and the resulting mold was making her sick. So Justinbustin helped move dirt and rocks to finish up a previous group volunteer effort to protect the area when rains come again so that the room didn't flood again. I AM SO EFFEN PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT. These are the things that matter. Not his stupid teacher saying he doesn't take responsibility for his decisions. He takes responsibility for that. Okay, I am going to lunch with him today and telling him these things. And apologizing again for the awful thing I said to him this morning.

So I remember I need to remember the silver linings to all this. And I sobbed thinking of having to deal with the pain, these tough decisions, the aftermath whatever it is and will be, and all the while remember the silver linings.

The silver linings of my back: my arm is better!! After months of occupational therapy that fortunately didn't cost me hundreds of dollars unfortunately like this chiropractor is costing me, but also didn't work, my arm is better after seeing the chiropractor FINALLY. I didn't ever think life was going to feel semi-normal again with my arm, and now it has.

The silver linings of going through this growing pains with Justinbustin: Middle school *crossing fingers* should be easier if we can get this figured out in fifth grade. Just please God don't let me sabotage the process as long as it will build his character.

The silver linings of feeling like I'm constantly in pain: maybe the end is in sight? It's always so difficult and new in the beginning of everything and there's a very big push that has to happen to get through it, but it seems like the same thing happens in the end as well and you have to push through it. Maybe I have to push through this.

The silver lining of my arm: I stopped wasting time volunteering when I needed to be volunteering for my own family and for our own business.

Another silver lining of my back: In addition to my arm, when my back happened on top of it all, I realized I needed to stop wasting so much time with friends and invest that time with my family and our business. I say wasting time, but really, I just mean I'm learning, as my chiro says, "the power of no". I had to learn the power of no when I started hanging out with girlfriends - telling Brando no, and myself no to hanging out so much with him and saying yes to hanging out with girlfriends. Brando didn't care, but I did. And I reaped the rewards a hundredfold. Now, I have to learn the power of saying no to hanging out with girlfriends, and saying yes to hanging out with Brando and investing in our family and our business. Crossing fingers I reap the rewards of that as well.

Another silver lining of my back: I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. My abs are rock hard, and I've been running for the first time in my life. I don't know if I'm just working through the pain and it's really still the same or if I'm just sore from everything I've been doing and it's pain I'll get better from, but, regardless, I've never been in such good shape. It feels awesome, and I look awesome in the mirror.

The silver linings of going through this deep, dark place: I have all these realizations as a result. I have a thought of going to lunch with first Justinbustin, then Shawners, and making things right. I came up with a way to move forward from this deep, dark place, and with my day. This is something I usually am not able to do right away when this starts. I allowed myself to sob this morning, and put a pillow over me so that the neighbors didn't hear it, and that was cleansing as I thought through all these thoughts and came here to let them rest on paper so I can move forward to this day, and from this place.

I did it

Thanks to my chiro's suggestion to "do the hardest thing first" after I bawled my eyes out in front of him from stress of not wanting to deal with telling the girls' I don't want to do girls' night tonight and the strain my body is taking on itself as a result, I finally put it out there to the girls that I'm reclaiming my Monday nights for myself, my hubs, our boys, and our business, and not doing girls' night for awhile. Seriously, this guy is a catch, and pretty sure he's not married, so, Teagan, if you're reading this and want to come to Austin, I have somebody you need to talk to.

My email to Li to let her know:

So.... knowing you and knowing how well you know me, I'm sure you saw this coming. I won't be attending girls' night for the near future. My life has changed dramatically the last year and having these back issues shoved it in my face. Brando and I are wanting to get off the fence so to speak, and start a business. As well as I woke up one day and realized I have a middle schooler that's gone two nights out of the week, volunteering or gone camping on the weekend more often than not, and loaded with homework most afternoons. With Brando's new position having him work twelve hour days, there's not much time for all that we want to accomplish in addition to quality time together by ourselves, together with our boys, and with each boy separately. So I'm taking my Monday nights back. For now. I hope I'll be welcome if that situation changes : ) . I hope things have been going well for you guys on girls night. I've so been wanting to get together and talk to you face to face about it, but that hasn't happened. Let's make it happen soon?

Her reply to me:

omg yes! apparently i need to stop by and just listen to you talk about what the hecks been happening in your life!! what day and time-ish this wk works for you and i'll MAKE it work for me? :) love you miss you!!

and no, girls nights def not the same without our psd. we all miss you and don't feel our circles complete, but of course, we understand. :)

Energy

Having a conversation with my BF, KT.

I've been talking to her about spending energy and making the choice where we spend it. Whether on family, career, guys, hobbies. We invest our emotional energy into what we desire to happen in our lives. Five years ago I invested my emotional energy into being able to go out and party, to have girlfriends, to get out and enjoy life, to travel in what capacity I could. And it happened. Boy, did it happen. And I enjoyed five of the best years of my life. I did what I wanted to do, I enjoyed the hell out of it, and I have reaped the benefits of investing my energy with incredible girlfriends.

Now I want to invest my emotional energy in something new. I'm not sure how to balance what I already have with what I want. But I realize what my desire is and I want it, and I want to invest my emotional energy in it to make it happen. I want to start a business with Brando. I want to have that something personal to invest our time into. Something that we can work on together in the long run. Something that will support us, and allow us to be together.

"Once you find your real passions in life you're not going to want to go out with your friends every other night and go party... It's all about being content, and being okay with your feelings. Allowing yourself to heal." -KT

I talked to her about making a choice and a decision then being patient for that decision and doing the right thing to make that choice and decision happen the best way you know how, then somehow we got on the analogy of marathons. How you have to make the choice to run a marathon, then start the training for it, and then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to make it across the finish line. What a perfect analogy for life, really. In life you have to have the desire and make the choice to do what you can do to make that desire happen, you have to train for whatever the desire is, then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to cross the finish line.

KT just told me when we went hiking together with Shawners last year, when he was having a super tough time continuing on, it was hot, and we'd chosen to hike way too long of a hike for an eight year old, and he was breaking down, I told him, "When things gets hard, that's when you have to work the hardest, and if you push through it, you feel awesome and rewarded at the end." I love that she remembered I said that because I certainly didn't remember I said that, and I love that she told me she remembered that. She mentioned she wondered if he thought of that as he was running his marathon last week, and ran each week throughout the year, and how he finally felt that reward at the end of running through the finish line, not even having to stop to get his medal and how that was the best part for him. Maybe he did think of that subconsciously. Brando hears things all the time and subconsciously acts on them as a result. I tend to be more conscious about the things I hear and act upon, but I wonder if he subconsciously thought of that.

"Those people are going to love and support you throughout the times that are really hard and the changes you make, especially the changes you make to better yourself." -KT

One of the realizations I had just now while talking to KT, as well as a combination of doing a survey Teagan had on her blog about how anxious and avoiding we are with the most important people in our lives (mother, father, husband, best friend), was I have been avoiding telling my friends my decision that I no longer have the energy to go out and do the things I used to do with them because I want to put that energy elsewhere because I'm afraid they won't be there for me. All along I've been thinking in black and white terms, that I will have to give up my friends in order to have this new desire in my life.

"You gave me a wake up call, when I was dating Jasen and it was an epiphany for me. It was when I was spending every single day with him and not putting any of my energy towards family and friends. One thing you said completely changed my outlook. I was like wow this girl is my best friend and one of the most important things in my life besides my family. It makes me realize how important friends are. A friend told me when you are older and have your career you will be able to count the true friends that you have on the palm of your hand, and that is so true. And people need to be more okay with." -KT

After talking to KT I realize it's not black and white. It doesn't have to be that way. While I'm realizing I can't be and don't want to be super woman and do it all, I want to make choices to have certain things in my life and invest the energy towards those things. At the same time, the friends that are truly my friends will completely support me in those decisions and be there for me all along and there is no reason to waste all the energy I've already invested into their lives and they into mine. For my part, I have to be honest with them, and with myself, that if I am honest with them and they choose not to be there that I am okay with that, and have to take that chance so that the friends who are truly my friends have the opportunity to continue to be there alongside of me as they want to be, whether I have energy to go out with them or not.

"By the way you've done an excellent job evaluating - sometimes you have to evaluate things in black and white. I've been texting you more because I realize you've needed that time to evaluate. Because only you know what's best for you. Your real friends are going to support you throughout your decisions, when you need to take on the opinion of yourself. Sometimes their opinion isn't needed so that you can take on your own. Doesn't mean you have to completely rib the opinions of others out of your life completely, and not take the advice of others. But there are times that you need to just take the advice of you and yourself . The rewards you get from that are more rewarding than anything else and the epiphanies you get from that self-evaluation are more important than any other advice you can get from any else, not that the opinions from others aren't important on what to do, but it's easier to get opinions from others than do the self-evaluation and find and follow your own opinion." -KT

One of the most rewarding conversations I have ever had with KT was just now when I told her I prayed for Brando before I knew him. That was a hard conversation for me to have with her, because she does not believe in God. But I do. I told her I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately and that I pray to God because I believe he is the only One. One of the Bible verses I grew up with was, "God will give you the desires of your heart." and time and time again I come back to that in prayer. I told her one of the important things about prayer that I've been realizing is that it clarifies our desires so when they confront us we recognize them and can make the choice to accept them and do what we need to do to have them in our lives. After I had Justinbustin, I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember, because I couldn't handle him growing up without a father and then having some guy come into his life and be like, oh, hey, by the way, this is your Dad. I couldn't handle that and so I prayed that God would give Justinbustin a father before he was old enough to remember. And when Brando came along, I realized it. I realized he was the right one. He respected his mother, his mother respected his father, his mother called herself grandmother to Justinbustin before Brando and I had even been dating a week. I realized he was the one and I did what I had to do to make it happen. I told her I wasn't in love with him when I married him. I wasn't in love with him until almost two years later. Now I am head over heels butterfly in my stomach takes my breath away in love with him. But that's TEN YEARS LATER. The day I married him I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "R o s e, what are you doing?" I realized I wasn't in love with him, but I also realized he was the right man for me and I made the choice to marry him for that reason. My word, I could not have imagined the benefits that came from that decision.

After all I've said in this post, I realize I need to spend some time in prayer right now for the desires of my heart. I desire to have that something personal where we invest our time into together, to build a company with Brando where we can work together to support our family, where family time is priority, yet we have the gumption and the determination to realize that in order to have family time as priority we have to work together and no amount of arguing and clawing at each other's throats will get us there. Only communication, realization, learning, soaking in wise counsel, and working towards that goal together.

Beautiful Sunday

As I sit here on Valentine's Day morning with my fresh cup of coffee and Brando's famous fruit salad, my heart is bursting with the fun of Saturday.

But, Sunday was amazing in it's own right. I'm not one to sit by the sidelines and let life pass me by - usually I take the reins and make sure things happen. So being down and under this week with my back has thrown me for a loop. This weekend I had to lay low - between my back and all the meds I just didn't have the energy to get us doing activities like I normally do. Saturday turned out amazing, thanks to Brando.

Sunday all I wanted to do was say good-bye to my girlfriend who is leaving for a month. I didn't expect us to do anything else, because normally I would be the one to plan that and I didn't for the aforementioned reasons. Brando did take me to say good-bye to my friend. We picked her up and meandered over to a beautiful grassy area in the middle of town where you can see the skyline. Her and I walked to the top of a hill to see the backdrop of the skyline with the grassy area all around us, then I dropped her back off where she needed to meet up with another friend, while the boys stayed and played.

While I was dropping my friend off, the boys discovered an impromptu circus. The performers had brought all their toys out to play - silk ropes, wheels that you stand on and pedal, tight ropes, hula hoops hanging from a tree, and more. My friend and I had seen them from atop the hill, but didn't think about asking what they were up to. The boys and Brando had been brave enough to ask, and when I got back were playing away.

We spent the next three hours there pedaling on the wheels, climbing up the silk ropes (well, the boys did - I would have if my back was not injured and almost did any way until Brando reminded me that I had just said I was at the point where my back is okay but if I do anything to strain it it feels like it would go right back), and hula hooping in the tree.

The boys also found out they meet every Sunday there. I pride myself on researching the heck out of my town and knowing every little in and out, but you just can't research things like this - groups of people spontaneously gathering to share their art. Letting go and letting Brando figure out what to do as a family was a new thing for me, and I would've taken the reins if I had the energy. But now I see what can happen with a little spontaneity and Brando taking the lead, and am more apt to let him take the lead more often.

Must Study

Having a good relationship with your home.

Go Me

Pretty proud of myself for writing this letter to Brando angry yet being totally constructive. Prior to this I had sent him another email detailing the events of my day (see post below). The all caps in the very beginning is because I had just spoke with him on the phone and we had gotten angry with each other and hung up.

Subject: What I want

AS I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE, I want to help us eat healthier. I want to pack the boys' lunches every week. I want to shop and cook for four good sized meals each Tuesday night. I want to decorate our home to have something I feel is worth keeping pretty every day. I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS. But I don't feel like I can do them with you. When I focus even a little on those things you act like I am doing something for the first time in my life and I DESPISE that feeling. That feeling makes my skin crawl. When I have that to look forward to instead of your support, help in other areas, ideas, guidance, and appreciation, it makes it an almost insurmountable goal.

With not doing school this next semester, I would like to focus on these things more. However, I REFUSE TO DO SO if all I am going to get (besides eating healthy and having a pretty house) is complaints about 1) how much I am spending, 2) how much I didn't do before, and 3) how perfect I am now that I am doing these things.

You have DIFFERENT FOCUSES AND GOALS THAN ME. It is important to you to make money, be the breadwinner, have a hobby that you can invest in be it photography, organizing our budget, watching specific tv shows, or leading cub scouts. It is important to me to continually grow, raise the boys in the way that they should go, support you, feed the boys healthy and teach them to eat healthy through doing so, enjoy life and new experiences with you, the boys, and myself. THESE are my goals. NOT making the house pretty. Your goal is NOT to make as much money as you can, and if I were to put that pressure on you and ONLY appreciate you when you did so, that would be unfair of me. You are putting pressure on me to ONLY make the house pretty, and that is unfair of YOU.

You're right, we are not other couples. We are US. And it is time for us to ACCEPT that, own business, beautiful house, high income, house perfect every day, or no. It is time for us to appreciate us for who we ARE and work TOGETHER towards what we WANT to be, not AGAINST each other. It is time for us to stop holding the past against each other. You are the man I met TODAY, the one that I blogged about who is amazing with kids and adorable sitting at a table playing games with them in order to stay connected to his kids' lives and be there for his son at his youngest son's request, the man who requested to be in another classroom contrary to his schedule just so he could be with his older son who didn't express the desire for him to be but who he cares enough about to be there anyway, the man who came home and immediately cleaned out the garage's stinky poop in an amazingly quick manner, the man who immediately figures out how to run errands, make sure our mortgage is paid, and does them with amazing initiative. I am the woman you met TODAY, the one who packed lunches for 45 minutes, studied for an exam that she had amazing notes whilst doing previously emailed list, took said exam, kicked it's booty amazingly, treated her arm condition holistically, said hi to a friend she hasn't seen in months for five minutes because she is an awesome amazing friend who would go thirty minutes out of the way to be there just to give a hug to someone she cares about, went to the boys school to do a weekly event of Wednesday folders and talk to the teachers to stay involved and connected in our boys' lives outside of our home, and came home to do the list I just emailed you on top of writing these two emails, and researching what a reasonable monthly budget amount might be. I am THAT woman, and you are THAT man.

It is time for us to accept and expect who we are NOW. Because we are pretty awesome. And we could do so much TOGETHER.

*end of email*

His response? You're amazing.

OH MY GOSH!!!!

BABY FEVER!!!

The two adorable little tow-headed, pig-tailed girls that just walked by who must've been about two or three just gave me the worst baby fever. I do want more, just not now. A friend of mine just had a baby at 39 though so I have a few more years. Or we've always wanted to adopt. Nothing is for sure but I would love to have another baby or two in our lives someday and many more grandchildren. What a change from the past few years on the former part!

Fun

Liking:

*Volunteering at a low-cost veterinarian clinic with KT and getting woozy (read: high) off the fine dust of dewormer, and not figuring it out until after I'd licked my shirt trying to get the taste off my mouth and stop my tongue from going numb. Yup, licked my shirt. It was hilarious with our non-stop giggling and off the wall comments: "My tongue is numb." "I have no thought processes." "I can't feel my legs." "Do you want to eat at Chipotle?" with a blank look and a "Suuuurrre." from KT in response.

*Seeing someone while I'm volunteering who was shocked that I'm 29 and being told she would've put me between 18-21

*Justinbustin and his two buddies developing a school newspaper with the support of their teachers and including all types of different sections, and recruiting. This deserves it's own post.

*Not wearing makeup for two weeks and feeling confident enough that I'll even go on dates with makeup. On top of that, getting comments like the above while not wearing makeup, and also, from Li, a shocked, "You're NOT wearing makeup?! Your skin is all one tone."

*How friendly the carpool line is at the boys' school.

*My motivation to clean, clean, clean and do, do, do after volunteering this week.

*Shawners doing his meerkat presentation at school yesterday.

*Girls night with KT and Ande for the first time this week with Jamaican Chicken with Mango Salsa and Brittney Spears' Glee

*Of course girls night with M, Li, and Ambs - and K & Herbie too!

*Discovering the magic that is Zilker park with a skyline view in the fall

Not liking:

*Still struggling with accepting aging. Fb photos do NOT help since I can see the difference from three years ago to today. I want to delete them so I'm not tempted to look at them, but they're my scrapbook, so I'm not sure how to delete them without taking them away. I have figured out it is studying that has worsened the texture of my forehead and line between my eyes. Yes, I'm a research fanatic (okay, freak), and yes, I have been researching my own photos. It got really bad in February - right after the start of my second semester. It lightened up in summer with no school. And it started to get bad again as I started school this semester. I have figured out I squint while reading. I read a lot - I figured 48 hours for one textbook, and I've lost count of how many I've read the last two semesters - at least three or four. That's a LOT of squinting. My poor face. So I am working on not squinting while I study. I also got Frownies to wear at night which seem to be helping. Not sure if they can reverse the damage though, and I wake up an hour before I get up to take them off lest the boys think I'm crazy. I'm fully aware I am - okay, maybe, not FULLY aware, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it at all.

*My lack of taking pictures lately. Brando got me a new (pink) camera, since my other one went to the shop and will cost more to repair than replace. This one is a Nikon, which I thought I would like, however I am NOT liking the quality of the sharpness. The pictures come out so grainy! I am looking forward to returning it and going back to Canon, crappy as it is that it burnt out (almost, literally) on my after just a year.

*Having the boys in school at a chemical plant. Still. Shawners has had weird things going on since, and I'm trying to stay unparanoid and attribute it to allergies which are REALLY bad this season for everybody, but he's never had things like this before - headaches, neck aches, leg aches. It's just weird. I would pull him out right NOW if it weren't for his teacher being so fabulous, and how well he is doing.

Oh, Blogging

Sweet, sweet blogging. Seriously has taken me through so much of life, why do I feel the need to abandon it now? No, I don't really feel the need to abandon it, but I don't feel the need to blog every. single. aspect. of my life or each new thing I do. There have been SO MANY exciting and new things I've done this summer and this fall, yet I'm keeping every detail to myself. While I believe it makes me cherish each moment a little more, I am still sad at the thought that they will pass by without being recorded to cherish later.

I had french toast and coffee with KT the other day (see? Priceless moment not recorded) and she was writing letters to her momma (another entire priceless continuing moment, yet to be recorded) while I studied and I thought about all the moments I have enjoyed every molecule out of, yet didn't record, partially on purpose. I told her I've journalled (blogging is still private for me at this moment) for the last five years and it's amazing to go back and see where I was at, and I thought about how little I have blogged lately and wondered if I will look back and wonder where this year went. Or if I will remember how very much I cherished it, that I couldn't even write about it.

180

My life has taken a 180 since last week. Last week, Shawners had headaches since school started, I had no job, I did not volunteer, and I was considering going to work full time and dropping out of the semester in order to do so.

This week, Shawners' headaches have been subdued with homeopathic allergen drops for mold allergies, I am working 10 hours a week at hopefully $20/hour at a job that works with my current schedule, and I am training to volunteer at a low-cost veterinarian clinic that serves the community by offering low-cost services and even free services to the homeless.

Also, I realized when Brando and I both realized separately one day last week that it might be better for me to work and not do school for awhile (mostly so we can work towards replacing our cars that need replaced), I had intended to drop school this semester to do it. I found out Brando had meant for me to finish the semester and work next semester. It's nice to have his support for me to keep going, even though I have little to no desire to do right now.

What's Wrong with Me? aka Brain Dump

*my insecurities, my everything I hold inside, except to Brando, everything that stresses me out, in one post*

My life has changed 180% since this time last year. It totally freaks me out. Everything basic is the same - Brando, the boys, and I, are still us. But everything is completely different. I look different. My frame of mind is different. The boys' school is different. My body is different. Some of my friends are the same, some are different. Goldilocks' life is completely different too, so is GFF's, and somehow that comforts me knowing that those girls I've gone through so much of life with are experiencing some of the same things, comforting me in not being alone, but it still freaks me out. I LIKEd me back then. Will I like me now? I spend so much time with Brando, and the boys nowadays. While I love that, am I neglecting myself? Will I turn around in six months and ask myself why didn't I take care of myself more? Why did I neglect my friends more than I used to? Why didn't I have a desire to go on the cousins' trip this year?

School is freaking me out. Every time I'm in school my brain goes to mush as far as desires to do other things. At the same time, am I blaming school for my lack of motivation? I'm discovering I tend to blame things on situations or others instead of fixing them.

Do I just need to get out more and stop giving excuses? I have no desire to hang with friends, go out at night, or party lately. I have no desire to take trips, except with Brando. Where is the desire I used to have to go out with friends, attend events, party, go out at night, and travel with girlfriends? Why don't I have that anymore? It makes me wonder, and scares me a bit, yet at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. Then at the exact same time it scares me if I'm going to wake up in a bit and go what the hell was I thinking not going out with my girlfriends? That part makes me want to force going out with my girls unnaturally (meaning almost against my will), to make sure I maintain my health. I had to force myself in the beginning, four or five years ago, to go out with the girls, but it was different then. Then, I WANTed to, but I was scared and fearful I wasn't good enough to. I got over that, realized I was good enough (meaning fun enough, silly enough, outgoing enough, and, yes, shallowly, pretty enough) and realized how good it was for me to go out and get something back, for me, in me, so I once again had something to give to my family.

Now I DON'T want to, but is it because I really don't want to, or am I once again scared I'm not good enough? I really don't think the latter is the case, because I wanted to I would go and paint the town red. Maybe a little drink or two to get me going, but I would do it. The funny thing is I don't even have a desire to drink lately. The headache and depressive mood the next day isn't even worth it to me. That's part of what makes me sit back and wonder though, am I just not doing it because of a lack of motivation?

Or, shallowly, do I feel I'm not pretty enough? I do feel like I'm aging. Do I feel like I look too old to go out anymore? I did get a facial and that made my face look amazing, at least the last few days and that may be part of what is making me face all these feelings. Maybe I have felt ugly these last few months, and that has caused me to crawl inside myself. Sad, if that's the case. Am I really that shallow? But on one hand, it may have nothing to do with being shallow. I finally figured out how to be a girl four or five years ago and have loved every single second of it. Now, I'm stuck wondering, is it gone so soon? Am I going to turn old and ugly and have it all be taken away from me? How can it be when I've only just discovered how to be a girl in the first place? I would be so darn sad. I love being a girly girl amongst all my boys. But if I look like an idiot doing so, I don't want to be embarrassed about being one. I have gained weight. Do I feel like I'm too fat to go out anymore? I've lost some of my rah-rah let's go party attitude. Do I feel like I'm not enthusiastic enough to go out anymore? Do all of these tie in together? Or is it, again, just the lack of motivation, and these are all insecure excuses?

After typing all this, I guess my bottom line question is, is this something I should still DESIRE to do, no matter my insecurities? Am I cutting myself short by not going out, even if it's something I don't want to do? Should I just get over it, and go out and do it, any way, and the confidence will come back once I've forced myself to go out? Will I wake up in six months without my girlfriends because I haven't gone and partied with them at night enough, or gone out to events enough? Am I putting more stress on myself by not spending enough time with them, just letting loose and not having people depending on me every second I'm out?

To go with that, am I doing the right thing by going to school? It has aged me. Bottom line. So has turning 29, I am sure, but going to school has definitely sped up the process. I have no goals with school. I want to be an engineer, but the investment time in school would take too much from my family. I want to be a teacher, but I'd feel like I'm settling for some assumed women's role. I want to design websites, but that could be a trade skill and wouldn't I have figured out how to do that on my own, and maybe my design or common sense with that isn't good enough to cut it in the real world. What the hell am I doing with school except adding more stress to our lives and going nowhere?

I love...

*going boating, ATVing, to Blue Hole, paddle boarding, Sculpture Falls, to Cheesecake Factory, to see Eclipse, and to Mandola's Italian Market for and around my birthday

*my fun birthday gifts from girlfriends who know me so well - three dresses which I've been dying for cute, fun dresses this summer, lots of perfectly me jewelry with big earrings, long necklaces, and gold hoops which I've so needed, chocolate, and a bathing suit

*my birthday gifts from my sons of chocolate, flowers, and a Hoops & YoYo stuffed creature with stuffed letter blocks that spell out N-I-C-E attached to it that says, "You're so nice. In the dictionary under nice, there's a picture of you! Isn't that great?"

*my birthday gift from my hubby of a massage which I can't wait to take him up on and enjoy a nice, long romantic dinner at the Driskill afterwards

*my oldest son going off to camp for a week and coming home with only a black eye and no broken bones

*my oldest calling me after hospital visit for said incident and interrupting his spiel about camp to ask me, "Mom, can we get a ranch with lots of horses? Or at least four, one for each of us."

*my youngest spending two days and nights with his Auntie Wyn and having her text me what a good job I'm doing with him, and how encouraging he is and how he must've gotten that from somewhere. And hearing his voicemail talking about how he's letting me know he's spending another night and he's sweeping the shop and earning coins from different countries and he loves me and he hopes daddy has a good day doing work stuff

*going to women's leadership meetings and sitting back and absorbing the impact of amazing women who seek to make a difference and who have already made who knows how much difference in countless lives

*being able to celebrate Goldilocks' 30th with her

*seeing good friends and being able to see their faces for a few hours

*good friends to have brunch and coffee with

*taking Shawners to pottery class

*having summer home with my boys

*watching my oldest volunteer with toddlers at church

*my amazing, sexy hubby who brings me chocolate, tells me how beautiful I am, and loves going on dates with me because it makes me feel loved and happy

*girls night with amazing dinners and even better company

*the comfort level of talking to my sister by being on the phone with her while we both go about our business - mine of reading blogs, and hers of organizing the garage

*showers in the afternoon

*thunderstorms while getting ready for the evening