New Perspective

Last night I texted my sister, "I hate my life. I am so depressed." after a margarita at Chipotle. Not LIKE ME. I'm usually the happy drunk.

Last night I came across this picture. I've seen it before in the sense of being a picture that inspired a girl to become a photographer. Today, it inspired me to be a better person.

This morning I woke up to my boys breaking down the fort they had built to completely cover their room two months ago and have been sleeping in since. Except for the one time Brando and I got into a fight over them breaking it down or not. Brando wanted it broke down for school to start - I wanted it to stay. I loved that 3/4 of their room couldn't be messed up because it was covered in blankets and their little "cubby holes". I loved that they could leave their bedroom door open and have it still be quiet because they were tucked away talking or playing games inside their fort - and not wrestling and throwing things like they normally do. Oh, life with boys, I love it.

I told them something they hate to hear, but I tell them any way because my sister told her three boys and they are the sweetest brothers I have ever met. "Blessed are brethren that dwell together in unity, and you are dwelling together in unity." In the midst of me telling them against their cries of, "Mo-om, we know, we know." I say, "I just want you to know I am blessed and you are blessed." Shawners retorts, "My Mom is blessed." I reply, "Thank God!! I am so happy for that!" and he retorts, "My ancestors are blessed!" to which I also reply, "Wow, that's awesome. Thank God! I am really happy for that!" That child. I want to pinch his cheeks from cuteness sometimes.

On the way to drop Shawners off at school Justinbustin went with me so I could drop him off early so he could clean and practice his trombone before his lesson today. Justinbustin starts talking about how he wants to move Shawner's dresser out of his "room" and put a hammock in there. Shawners immediately starts an outcry, "Justinbustin always gets the BEST stuff." To which I replied with a very proud mommy moment - one that made me feel like a parent.

I got on my wise parent soapbox and told him, "You know, I used to feel that way about my sister. That was part of the reason I moved away from California 'cause I couldn't figure out how to get out from under that. Then I moved here and I got a house, we had you guys, we had a garden, we had a dog and my sister would say, 'Your life is so perfect, I wish I had that.' Then we moved to California for a year and came back to Texas and we moved to our apartment and all of a sudden she had a house, and a garden, and the dogs and I wanted what she had. But you know what? I'm happy for her. I'm happy she has what she has because I trust that the Lord has good things in store for us - maybe that, or maybe something else. He has good things in store for us right now - Dad and I still being together, amazing schools both of you boys are blessed to go too, the same view that the million dollar houses across the canyon have. Over time, I've realized I can't live my life being upset over not having what she has or vice versa, I can only be happy for her and be happy for myself when those things come and with the amazing blessings I do have."

He was quiet afterwards, so I am hoping that it sunk in a little. This is a true heartfelt struggle for me, and part of the reason for my text last night to my sister. I was looking outward, instead of looking inward and upward.

This morning before that conversation, as I sat on my porch drinking my coffee my husband made for me this morning after I simply asked him last night, and watched the colors of the sky change as the sun rose, I read this verse, "I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation." Ps13:5, I realized I have trusted in your mercy - when I got pregnant with Justinbustin, when I married Brando, and my heart has rejoiced in your merciful salvation each of those times, and my heart will trust in your salvation now and I will trust in your mercy now because it will come, and it has come in ways I haven't noticed, just as it did then. He is an amazing God, powerful beyond our belief of a mustard seed, and all I need to do is have that faith of a mustard seed.

My Birthday Loot

Is it silly that I'm 30 and still get excited about birthday loot? No matter. I'm always be excited about birthday loot. The part that gets me the most is people who know me like the back of their hand, and sometimes know me even better than I do. This year's cache is:

*Loads of underwear from VS and Aeropostale from Brando
*A shopping spree at Macy's from Brando
*A beautiful dress from Target and a wide belt to go with it from M and Li
*Self-tanner from M (an inside gift :)

This year's birthdays events are the same kind of thing - the part that gets me most is the people who want to spend time with me:

*A shopping spree from Brando
*Birthday coffee with my sister, W
*Birthday lunch and cupcakes with Brando
*Happy hour turned into night with M and Li
*Birthday dinner at NXNW with Brando and the boys
*Kayaking Town Lake and lunch with Brando
*Dinner at BJ's Brewery with Brando
*Dinner at a new place with Shawners and Brando, then photos at a new place as well
*Pool time with Shawners

In other words, a perfect, perfect 30th birthday.

Here's to the 30s!!

My wishes for this decade:

*Start a business with Brando, have it be running well in 5 years, and have it be providing well for for the next five (and into the 40s)
*Raise my boys to be well-rounded men full of character, able to contribute back to God's work by using the gifts God has given them
*Support Brando in every way possible and learn to have a less sharp tongue
*Let go of my bitterness against siblings who get more from my parents and do less aka the prodigal son and maybe take a lesson from them and let loose a little more (that deserves a post of it's own - been thinking a lot about that lately)
*Have my own thing besides starting the business with Brando - I would love to have it be doing flowers and donating my services to missionaries, or those who serve God

Doing it all

You know those people who seem like they can do it all? I totally feel like one of those people right now and really need to keep my bearings straight.

I offered to do the flowers for my nephew's wedding, and unbeknownst to me until last week, was taken up on it. I am SO excited for it. However, it is a LOT of work. I'm loving it, but at the same time I am losing focus on the business!! I need to set aside time to work on the flowers, and use that time alone and not let it leak over into the business. For those of you who know me, which, if you've been reading this blog o' mine, you do :) , I hyper focus on whatever it is I'm working on. Fortunately, the wedding is next month, so once it is over I will once again be able to hyper focus on the business. However, I have been hyper focusing on the flowers enough, that hopefully the majority of it will be over this Wednesday, and in the meantime I can continue to put all my energy into the business. Rhythm, R*se, remember, rhythm.

Decluttering Heaven

So for the first time Justinbustin and I cleaned his room today without any meltdowns. Really, it's a testament to his maturity, because I still almost melted down. Right after he said he thought I should take a break and I didn't take take a break, which is the funny part. But I didn't melt down. Thank goodness. He is finally mature enough not to cry, whine, and complain when I throw his junk away. He is such a little pack rat, and we are trying so hard to bring him out of that. Today, I threw away three kitchen garbage bags full of trash out of his room, and three and a half kitchen trash bags full of clothes. Keep in mind his room is the size of a closet (mostly because it is a closet, but a very large closet and one that he'd prefer to have as his room than share a room with his brother). There were still boxes in there that he hadn't unpacked from our move back in June. Which is where all the clothes were that his brother and him had been complaining about that they didn't have. Any way it is so clean and it is strange how light and airy it makes me feel in the rest of the house. The rest of the house where I can't even see his room! I've been on a decluttering rampage lately -- my bedroom, the office/lobby, the living room, the shoe area, the garage -- and taking before and after photos because seeing the before once I've gotten to the after is so motivating and rewarding. It's been SO easy to keep clean, and SO easy to quickly declutter now that I've got the deep clean and declutters out of the way. Granted, it's still not decorated (especially our bed, which needs an overhaul), but it still feels put together and therefore is motivating to keep it looking as neat as it is. This just felt like the final straw of decluttering and it makes my heart smile and feel light.

Clusterf...

This weekend has turned out to be a bit of a cluster faux pas. Originally I had a girls' weekend to go to, so the boys had planned a sleepover in my absence. Because, let's face it, I'll go nuts having more than four boys in close proximity to me in a two bedroom apartment. When my girls' weekend had to be cancelled due to an emergency, all of a sudden I was left with the prospect of having seven boys in my two bedroom apartment with me!!! Enter instant panic mode.

Originally I had thought the weekend would go back to the way it would've been had I been staying in town - Justinbustin off on a camping trip, and to a youth group event, Brando and I would have our much needed for me date night Saturday evening, we'd have a lazy Sunday and that'd be it.

Only Justinbustin had already called all of his friends, and instead of me just saying what I wanted, I was trying to be nice and beating around the bush by not saying I CAN'T HANDLE SEVEN BOYS IN A TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT AND IT'S TOO LATE OF NOTICE FOR ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT ELSEWHERE! Eventually, Brando did come to that conclusion through my freaking out about EVERYthing (sorry, honey).

And the compromise was he'll have his birthday party next week - we'll barbeque to keep them mostly out of the house in evening, then taking them kayaking in the morning to get them out of the house early. Whew. He didn't end up going camping, which is fine, and he will go to the youth group event this evening, and possibly have one friend go with him and possibly spend the night.

A good compromise, and after talking to my KT this morning, I finally have my head screwed back on straight. I was giving her boyfriend advice and realized I needed to take it for myself! We both laughed when I realized that and decided we weren't going to let stressors keep us from enjoying our weekend.

So I promptly got off the phone with her and mapped out an afternoon of visiting local wineries with Brando (my stressor being not having time with Brando this weekend and him not setting time aside for me this weekend). We may not do it, but at least if we do get the time together we'll have something to do together that will fill up my needed time with Brando quota extremely well!

Shift of Focus

I've talked about this before, but my focus has recently shifted from time with my girls, to time with my husband, boys, and our business. It has been interesting to observe what this shift in focus has done. I've discovered I've always been the energy behind my friendships - I'm the one doing the inviting, suggesting plans, thinking of new things to do, and making sure we get together regularly. After being in bed for four weeks, realizing my focus was shifting, and becoming honest with myself through many talks with KT and then, in turn, with my girlfriends about my focus shifting and where I'm at, it's fun to see the turnaround. All of a sudden my girlfriends are stepping up to the plate and asking ME to do things, and making times for ME to meet them places. I can understand why they leaned on me for so long. It's so EASY to say yes when someone else is doing all the work of figuring out where to go, what time, and what day. It's fun being on this end.

By the way, when I say starting a business with Brando, I mean figuring out what the heck running a business is all about. The actual business part is quite a ways away.

Stressor Triggers

During a fabulous breakfast and heart-to-heart with Li (at my house - I'll have to post later on why that's a big deal), she suggested writing down all my stressors on paper so they stop floating around in my head triggering a stress response when they happen. Apparently she had done it a few months ago and it really helped, even when they were things that she thought other people thought might be stupid or didn't matter. It helped just to get it out of her head so she doesn't have to think about them all the time and try and keep track of them. So I wrote down my own list of stressor triggers - from one that happened while she was here, to the mundane, to the overwhelming, to the scary. And it helped get it out of my head. And now I don't think about them all the time. Or when I do, it's when they happen and I think, "Oh, there's one of my stressor triggers." Or, if one happens and I don't have it written down, I think - usually right away or right after I've reacted, "Oh, there's a stressor trigger. I can write that down."

-Kids making grandiose statements that trigger a knee jerk reaction (this was the one that happened with Liana here)
-Two bedrooms with four people
-Clutter in house
-Insults from Brando (before you go off here, this is not straight out 'you're a bitch' insults - rather insults at characteristics of mine that are different than his and get him to stretch his boundaries - I've learned recently to tell him he better darn well appreciate those because I'm GOOD at it)
-Not sure if friends are still there (since I'm refocusing my priorities and time spent on them)
-Worried whether back will get better
-My arm being sore
-Feeling like on a hamster wheel of life
-Organization or lack thereof
-Not having time, especially face to face time, with Brando
-Phone calls
-Group events
-Sitting or standing for long periods
-Finances or lack thereof
-Being away from family in Cali
-Not having a plan whenever we leave the house for an activity
-Hearing friends vents
-Hearing friends tragedies
-Kammi's brother dying
-KT's Mom dying
-Li's nanny dying
-Friend of Windy's dying
-Ashley's family & friends dying
-Not sure how to start the business
-Returning the GAP clothes I meant to exchange
-Paying large amounts for dates
-Lifting & pulling things
-Weight gain
-Grocery shopping
-Diet
-Hidey selling her house
-Not being able to go back to Hidey's the way it was again
-Not being sure where Hidey will move
-Not being sure if there will be a comfortable place for us to stay at her place
-Justinbustin not adding detail when asked a question
-Justinbustin apologizing instead of adding detail when asked what he was thinking

My Body Tells Me No-o But I Won't Quit

My new mantra. I wrote out a list of things chiropractic care has and hasn't done for me. Teagan's comment over on PSD gives me a little hope, but I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. So does the fact that the pain seems to be coming back mean that I am closer to recovery, or farther away? Still confused on that part. But not on the rest of this. I wrote down this list of what chiropractic care has and hasn't done for me so that I can walk in there on Monday and say here is what I still need, and here is what I don't need and not be an effen basket case and ball of tears like I was on Friday. Poor guys probably didn't know what to do with themselves when I kept going into the bathroom to try and make myself stop crying.

What chiropractic care has done:

-Improved my outlook

-Improved my mobility - able to sit in funky positions like I normally do; able to lay on stomach most times; able to sit with feet under me; able to lay on Brando to fall asleep again

-Improved my functioning - able to do simple household functions: laundry, picking up

-Gave me a desire to exercise more and for awhile ability ie running

-Given me 'moments' of normal where I don't think about the pain in my back

-Given me completely natural, way more than comfortable posture when standing & sitting

-Improved my arm immensely more than 3 months of occupational therapy

-Given me ability to text in small amounts without burning pain

-Taken away excruciating pain thus taking away the need for advil & most times muscle relaxants

What chiropractic care hasn't done:

-Take away the nagging, aching constantly changing pain along my spine, neck, & lower back

-Take away the overall feeling of abnormal 'something's wrong'

-Take away the pain of standing for more than 5 minutes at a time ie the pressure of standing on my spine

-Take away the pain & uncomfortableness of sitting more than a half hour at a time

-Show me the cause

-I'm a huge cause person so I can fix it or be fixed

-Take away arm pain completely - generally entire arm aches now instead of burning or tightness in forearm which makes me think it's moving away from a nerve issue

-Take away the feeling like I need to distract from the pain which I DON'T like - ate spicy tacos, drank margie to avoid taking muscle relaxants - DON'T want to be at that point

Power of Positive Thinking

I started a book my Aunt recommended to me when Brando and I had dinner with them in Pebble Beach. She had four books sitting in her house in Pismo that she said we could take, and even though Brando said to, I felt bad taking them and left them for others to enjoy and I would order them on Amazon. The other reason I left them is because they were hardcover, and I'm not one to get comfy with a hard cover book. Any way, I kinda wish I had at least written down the titles because I couldn't remember them! My Aunt did email me one of the titles and it is "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale and mentioned she was introduced to Dr. Peale in her twenties when she was starting out in what they do (very successfully now, by the way) and have followed along his many, many writings since. Another reason I was hesitant to take the books is 'cause I've read a lot of positive thinking articles and so much of it is hype. Okay, yeah, I need to think positively. HOW? I read the all positive reviews online and a lot of them talked about how the book is a guide to living the Christian life which intrigued me. I'm all over that.

So far the first chapter is interesting. Some of it makes me think of what "The Secret" might be about (haven't read that one), but one thing I love is it incorporates key Bible verses to memorize and repeat over and over to yourself. Almost obsessively. Which is perfect, because I can be obsessive. One that I love so far is, "If God is for us, who can be against us." I love that, absolutely love that.

I grew up reading the Bible, having verses around the house on the walls (my favorite was "We will rise up with wings like eagles..."), and having my Mom memorize chapters and chapters for much of my teenage life. It was her way of staying married to my Dad without actually having to talk to him. Now they are silly lovey doveys, I memorized a few chapters but honestly got pretty burnt out after waking up at 4am for bible studies and getting in trouble if we fell asleep. My parents look back now and realize how silly it was, but they were serious at the time and it was quite overwhelming to an eleven year old.

The fact that this book is offering little verses to tuck away along with some background and thoughts behind each one is awesome. I really would love to think positively, and I do, a lot of of the time. But not ALL the time, especially when it comes to overwhelming things like my back or overwhelming goals that wouldn't be if I just did them.

Looking forward to seeing what the rest of the book has to say, and, as always, taking everything with a grain of salt. For this particular example, this is what worked for this guy and has worked for a lot of people but may not work for me or may just need some adjusting in order to work for me.

FINALLY went grocery shopping

for the first time since we got back from our trip. Love having fresh fruit and veggies in the house. Also bought Ezekiel Golden Flax cereal which is deliciously earthy and grainy. I'm eating it by itself because I'm strange like that, but I bet it would be even more delicious with yogurt and fresh berries. I love that sprouted whole wheat grain is it's first ingredient. Apparently sprouted whole wheat is caught just before it blooms into the full wheat stalk and has less gluten than fully bloomed wheat.

Another of my all time faves is Annie Chun's Miso Soup. So quick, easy, and incredibly healthy. And Wal-mart has it for Wal-mart prices. Our local grocery store, HEB, doesn't actually carry it, which is strange. I also bought their Udon flavor, as those are the only two flavors they carry.

Amongst my favorite options of food to have in the house is tons of fresh fruit and veggies. Today was red, yellow, and orange bell pepper, cucumbers, avocado, broccoli, baby organic carrots in a cute snack pack, cauliflower, honeycrisp apples, blackberries, raspberries, bananas, and purple and green grapes. As soon as the boys got home I made sure they stuffed themselves full of baby carrots, cucumbers, avocado, and bell pepper to make up for all the junk they've been eating and lack of fresh fruits and veggies.

For after-school snacks, it's a different story. Though we do the veggie option when I have it available, I like to make sure I have somewhat wholesome (okay, not at all, but they have main ingredients that let me pretend they are, any way) snacks that will stay around for as long as I have them. The boys take a snack to school that they eat mid-morning and have a snack as soon as they get home in the afternoon. And, believe me, they need it. I've tried going without snacks and can we just say meltdown city. I try to expand my horizons on these, because I am SO nit pickily healthy I can tend to keep the options super limited. My attempt at branching out included Ritz Garden Vegetable crackers with cheese - the multi grain makes me feel better and I like that the first ingredient is whole grain wheat flour and not some bleached or enriched version of flour,

Scrabble Cheeze-Its - I remember eating Cheez-Its as a kid and though enriched flour is the first ingredient the fact that they have real white cheddar cheese listed as an ingredient kinda makes up for it,

Fig Newtons - this was a childhood staple for me and I continue to love them possibly because figs are the third ingredient,

and Nutter Butters - the real peanut butter bit makes it a passable snack for my kiddos.

Wal-mart has these all in convenient packages ready to grab and go for school. I used to be a snack nazi and never allow my kids to have snacks, which turns out doesn't work really well when you have growing boys. Now I try to limit it but not be too strict that they don't get the energy their body needs when their hungry, which is essentially at all times of the day, thus the scheduled two snacks a day : ) .

This time I also bought Capri Suns 100% juice. Although I used to drink their sugar laden juices when I was a kid, I have been a Capri Sun nazi for my kids without waver, except at birthday parties or sports events. Now, I'm caving and getting their 100% juice, due to my recently enlightened knowledge of the importance of fluids in our diet.

Ugh, I just realized I fell victim to seeing "nutritious" on the label and thinking that meant it was so and mistakenly bought Capri Sun's Sunrise Juice as well, where sugar is the second ingredient. Lesson learned.

In the area of yogurt I can also tend to turn my nose up at the kid friendly packaging with all the sugars surrounding them. I have caved on Danimals Yogurts, though, as the ingredients seem the same as Yoplait's, and the sugar content no more, if not less.

I did get a few full-on health guru snacks like pistachios and dried un-sulphured apples as well.

To round it out, I got deli fresh Boar's Head Lemon Pepper Chicken and Oven Roasted turkey, along with my Le Tortilla Factory Wheat Tortillas

and Red Pepper Hummus for me along with the first two items I mentioned. Yum.

Deep, Dark Place and Silver Linings

I just spent the last fifteen minutes sobbing into my pillow like I did when I found out I was pregnant, and when I found out the guy didn't actually love me.

A simple, stupid thing was the straw on the camel's back that sent me spiraling down. The boys woke up this morning and asked if they could watch a movie on netflix through the tv. Brando said no. I told Brando I usually let them if they have everything done. So Brando said, "If you have everything done, then go ahead." Shawners had everything done like the organized little boy he is, but of course Justinbustin didn't. So when I got up to take them to school I asked Justinbustin if he'd brushed his teeth and he said, "Yes, well, yes. No." So then I harped on him for lying and the morning went downhill from there. He brushed his teeth, but then we were about to be late to drop them off for school, and sped out the door while he forgot his poster that's due today. It was actually due a week ago but he got an extension because of our trip. We are in the midst of trying to make sure he makes his own choices this week with school work and keeping track of everything and now I feel like I've let him down by taking him back home to get his poster.

It went way too far down from there and I got stuck in the guilty spiral that led me to lashing out at him, at Brando, at myself, which all led to the sobs. This on top of the pain I'm STILL feeling in my back and my arm. Today I feel like I just want to take muscle relaxants and sleep and not feel the pain for once. Of course, I'm not going to. I hate putting drugs in my body. But in the meantime my body is tense and stressed because I am sick of feeling the pain. At this point I don't know if I am in as much pain as I used to be in and I'm just working through it because the chiro tells me it's okay pain, or I'm just sore and this will get better. I don't know, and it overwhelms me.

And I'm worried I'm doing Justinbustin wrong by being so hard on him about academia. Academia is stupid if you don't have morals and character. His biological father was brilliant, and a genius. But he had no character, and therefore he has no impact, he is nothing. I'm worried I'm not building Justinbustin's character by coming down hard on him about schoolwork. At the same time, his teacher rated him 'poor' for taking responsibility for his own decisions on Monday, so I wonder if I make too many excuses for him out of fear that he will become what I despised about his biological. I wonder if I perpetuate the problem by taking responsibility myself for anything he does wrong instead of just letting him learn from his mistakes.

I'm on the fence and don't know which side to jump to. I feel like one side has angry pit bulls and the other side has angry Dobermans. I don't know which side is the wise choice.

I want him to take responsibility for his own choices, but I DON'T want him to think schoolwork is important above all else. A family is important above all else, and that's it. Nothing else. His poster he forgot today was for a project where he helped a family out this weekend by moving rocks and piles of dirt to create a water barrier for the mother's bedroom because it got flooded in the tropical storm we had last year. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom because the room flooded from water which got trapped underneath and the resulting mold was making her sick. So Justinbustin helped move dirt and rocks to finish up a previous group volunteer effort to protect the area when rains come again so that the room didn't flood again. I AM SO EFFEN PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT. These are the things that matter. Not his stupid teacher saying he doesn't take responsibility for his decisions. He takes responsibility for that. Okay, I am going to lunch with him today and telling him these things. And apologizing again for the awful thing I said to him this morning.

So I remember I need to remember the silver linings to all this. And I sobbed thinking of having to deal with the pain, these tough decisions, the aftermath whatever it is and will be, and all the while remember the silver linings.

The silver linings of my back: my arm is better!! After months of occupational therapy that fortunately didn't cost me hundreds of dollars unfortunately like this chiropractor is costing me, but also didn't work, my arm is better after seeing the chiropractor FINALLY. I didn't ever think life was going to feel semi-normal again with my arm, and now it has.

The silver linings of going through this growing pains with Justinbustin: Middle school *crossing fingers* should be easier if we can get this figured out in fifth grade. Just please God don't let me sabotage the process as long as it will build his character.

The silver linings of feeling like I'm constantly in pain: maybe the end is in sight? It's always so difficult and new in the beginning of everything and there's a very big push that has to happen to get through it, but it seems like the same thing happens in the end as well and you have to push through it. Maybe I have to push through this.

The silver lining of my arm: I stopped wasting time volunteering when I needed to be volunteering for my own family and for our own business.

Another silver lining of my back: In addition to my arm, when my back happened on top of it all, I realized I needed to stop wasting so much time with friends and invest that time with my family and our business. I say wasting time, but really, I just mean I'm learning, as my chiro says, "the power of no". I had to learn the power of no when I started hanging out with girlfriends - telling Brando no, and myself no to hanging out so much with him and saying yes to hanging out with girlfriends. Brando didn't care, but I did. And I reaped the rewards a hundredfold. Now, I have to learn the power of saying no to hanging out with girlfriends, and saying yes to hanging out with Brando and investing in our family and our business. Crossing fingers I reap the rewards of that as well.

Another silver lining of my back: I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. My abs are rock hard, and I've been running for the first time in my life. I don't know if I'm just working through the pain and it's really still the same or if I'm just sore from everything I've been doing and it's pain I'll get better from, but, regardless, I've never been in such good shape. It feels awesome, and I look awesome in the mirror.

The silver linings of going through this deep, dark place: I have all these realizations as a result. I have a thought of going to lunch with first Justinbustin, then Shawners, and making things right. I came up with a way to move forward from this deep, dark place, and with my day. This is something I usually am not able to do right away when this starts. I allowed myself to sob this morning, and put a pillow over me so that the neighbors didn't hear it, and that was cleansing as I thought through all these thoughts and came here to let them rest on paper so I can move forward to this day, and from this place.

Chiro

Yesterday the chiro doc said he wanted me to be at 80%-100% better by the time he's done with treatment. Yesterday I was at 80%. This morning I woke up at 50%, ate breakfast and am now at 80%. WAHOO. I didn't even take the Advil. I can't stand how loopy it makes me. I was a little scared when I woke up this am and didn't feel as good as yesterday, though. So now I'm super happy I'm at 80% again and off to do laundry. Feels SO good to be able to do normal, upkeep things. The boys and Brando have been awesome about picking up my slack, though, so it's not overwhelming.

What a day

I discovered I *am* superwoman, after being so adamant that I didn't want to be :) .

SO much happened today, only a bullet list will do it justice:

*Had an appointment with a chiropractor this morning for my back and was scared sh*tless - last time I had a chiropractor crack my back I was in MISERY until I went to the doctor and had muscle relaxants and pain killers. This time I went the opposite route and have still been in misery. I finally realized the chiropractor more than likely DID help last time - but my muscles were adjusting so they were sore until my back healed. I've got to do a whole post on this guy over on PSD, but, in short, he was amazing. Found out some interesting things and he cracked EVERYthing. I was still nervous as heck and he told me to take 4 advil, which I haven't yet because I had to drop Justinbustin off to go camping later and didn't want to be loopy, which leads me to...

*Stopped by Costco to see about getting some kind of liquid I will actually drink on a regular basis since I told the doc that I drink three diuretics (tea, coffee, wine) and water - and I only guzzle it then, all of which is apparently giving me muscle spasms like crazy, since yeah, my muscles don't actually have the water they're made of. Hmm.

*Ate lunch at Costco

*Washed my car

*Picked the boys up from school

*Brought the boys home, set Justinbustin to packing

*Groomed the dog - and by groomed I mean, bathe, haircut with the buzzers, nail trim, and eyes cleaned

*Cleaned up above mess

*Drove in an hour and a half of traffic to drop Justinbustin off

*Drove away and got a flat about three miles away

*Started in on putting on the spare myself since I couldn't get a hold of Brando and my bro-in-law was being grumpy and I told him don't worry about helping if he was so grumpy

*So relieved when my bro-in-law called and apologized for being a "selfish jerk" (his words) and asked if he could please come up help SHawners and I

*Learned how to put on a spare tire, thanks to him teaching us when he got there

*Appreciated the help of the guy whose driveway we pulled into when he came out (doh! totally didn't think of knocking on the door - but who knows it could've been totally strange people)

*Met Brando at Costco, got new tires on the car and two new storage ottomans/gorgeous coffee tables for a STEAL

*Grocery shopped at Costco while we were at it

*Came home, set up the coffee tables and moved the old coffee table to the garage

*And I'm STILL going - usually ANYthing I j did besides sit at the computer or be driven around by Brando knocked me exhausted and miserable onto my bed - I'm so glad I decided to go ahead and have the chiropractor adjust me today. I met with him yesterday and had the x-rays today and was wary about being adjusted, but after reseeing my old chiropractor experience in that new light, I decided to go ahead and get it done asap. He also has a physical therapy setup in his office so I did some physical therapy afterwards. I'm not completely ache free, but I am definitely not miserable and still completely functional. Oh, and the chiro doc said I could do swimming, biking, hiking, walking - low impact activities, just no weights. Fine by me - I don't do weights any way (unless you count the weights of what it takes to maintain a household of four).

*Side note on the x-rays - my booty CRACK showed up on the low back x-ray. Wha-what?! Are you serious?! SO embarrassing, lol, but I got over it after jokingly putting my hand over it after I asked him, "Is that my booty ?" He said he doesn't even see it anymore - sure@ Embarrassing note aside, I totally didn't think skin showed up on x-ray!

I apologize for any typos. My contacts are blurring up and I can't see the screen! Off to bed and to take them out!

Energy

Having a conversation with my BF, KT.

I've been talking to her about spending energy and making the choice where we spend it. Whether on family, career, guys, hobbies. We invest our emotional energy into what we desire to happen in our lives. Five years ago I invested my emotional energy into being able to go out and party, to have girlfriends, to get out and enjoy life, to travel in what capacity I could. And it happened. Boy, did it happen. And I enjoyed five of the best years of my life. I did what I wanted to do, I enjoyed the hell out of it, and I have reaped the benefits of investing my energy with incredible girlfriends.

Now I want to invest my emotional energy in something new. I'm not sure how to balance what I already have with what I want. But I realize what my desire is and I want it, and I want to invest my emotional energy in it to make it happen. I want to start a business with Brando. I want to have that something personal to invest our time into. Something that we can work on together in the long run. Something that will support us, and allow us to be together.

"Once you find your real passions in life you're not going to want to go out with your friends every other night and go party... It's all about being content, and being okay with your feelings. Allowing yourself to heal." -KT

I talked to her about making a choice and a decision then being patient for that decision and doing the right thing to make that choice and decision happen the best way you know how, then somehow we got on the analogy of marathons. How you have to make the choice to run a marathon, then start the training for it, and then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to make it across the finish line. What a perfect analogy for life, really. In life you have to have the desire and make the choice to do what you can do to make that desire happen, you have to train for whatever the desire is, then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to cross the finish line.

KT just told me when we went hiking together with Shawners last year, when he was having a super tough time continuing on, it was hot, and we'd chosen to hike way too long of a hike for an eight year old, and he was breaking down, I told him, "When things gets hard, that's when you have to work the hardest, and if you push through it, you feel awesome and rewarded at the end." I love that she remembered I said that because I certainly didn't remember I said that, and I love that she told me she remembered that. She mentioned she wondered if he thought of that as he was running his marathon last week, and ran each week throughout the year, and how he finally felt that reward at the end of running through the finish line, not even having to stop to get his medal and how that was the best part for him. Maybe he did think of that subconsciously. Brando hears things all the time and subconsciously acts on them as a result. I tend to be more conscious about the things I hear and act upon, but I wonder if he subconsciously thought of that.

"Those people are going to love and support you throughout the times that are really hard and the changes you make, especially the changes you make to better yourself." -KT

One of the realizations I had just now while talking to KT, as well as a combination of doing a survey Teagan had on her blog about how anxious and avoiding we are with the most important people in our lives (mother, father, husband, best friend), was I have been avoiding telling my friends my decision that I no longer have the energy to go out and do the things I used to do with them because I want to put that energy elsewhere because I'm afraid they won't be there for me. All along I've been thinking in black and white terms, that I will have to give up my friends in order to have this new desire in my life.

"You gave me a wake up call, when I was dating Jasen and it was an epiphany for me. It was when I was spending every single day with him and not putting any of my energy towards family and friends. One thing you said completely changed my outlook. I was like wow this girl is my best friend and one of the most important things in my life besides my family. It makes me realize how important friends are. A friend told me when you are older and have your career you will be able to count the true friends that you have on the palm of your hand, and that is so true. And people need to be more okay with." -KT

After talking to KT I realize it's not black and white. It doesn't have to be that way. While I'm realizing I can't be and don't want to be super woman and do it all, I want to make choices to have certain things in my life and invest the energy towards those things. At the same time, the friends that are truly my friends will completely support me in those decisions and be there for me all along and there is no reason to waste all the energy I've already invested into their lives and they into mine. For my part, I have to be honest with them, and with myself, that if I am honest with them and they choose not to be there that I am okay with that, and have to take that chance so that the friends who are truly my friends have the opportunity to continue to be there alongside of me as they want to be, whether I have energy to go out with them or not.

"By the way you've done an excellent job evaluating - sometimes you have to evaluate things in black and white. I've been texting you more because I realize you've needed that time to evaluate. Because only you know what's best for you. Your real friends are going to support you throughout your decisions, when you need to take on the opinion of yourself. Sometimes their opinion isn't needed so that you can take on your own. Doesn't mean you have to completely rib the opinions of others out of your life completely, and not take the advice of others. But there are times that you need to just take the advice of you and yourself . The rewards you get from that are more rewarding than anything else and the epiphanies you get from that self-evaluation are more important than any other advice you can get from any else, not that the opinions from others aren't important on what to do, but it's easier to get opinions from others than do the self-evaluation and find and follow your own opinion." -KT

One of the most rewarding conversations I have ever had with KT was just now when I told her I prayed for Brando before I knew him. That was a hard conversation for me to have with her, because she does not believe in God. But I do. I told her I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately and that I pray to God because I believe he is the only One. One of the Bible verses I grew up with was, "God will give you the desires of your heart." and time and time again I come back to that in prayer. I told her one of the important things about prayer that I've been realizing is that it clarifies our desires so when they confront us we recognize them and can make the choice to accept them and do what we need to do to have them in our lives. After I had Justinbustin, I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember, because I couldn't handle him growing up without a father and then having some guy come into his life and be like, oh, hey, by the way, this is your Dad. I couldn't handle that and so I prayed that God would give Justinbustin a father before he was old enough to remember. And when Brando came along, I realized it. I realized he was the right one. He respected his mother, his mother respected his father, his mother called herself grandmother to Justinbustin before Brando and I had even been dating a week. I realized he was the one and I did what I had to do to make it happen. I told her I wasn't in love with him when I married him. I wasn't in love with him until almost two years later. Now I am head over heels butterfly in my stomach takes my breath away in love with him. But that's TEN YEARS LATER. The day I married him I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "R o s e, what are you doing?" I realized I wasn't in love with him, but I also realized he was the right man for me and I made the choice to marry him for that reason. My word, I could not have imagined the benefits that came from that decision.

After all I've said in this post, I realize I need to spend some time in prayer right now for the desires of my heart. I desire to have that something personal where we invest our time into together, to build a company with Brando where we can work together to support our family, where family time is priority, yet we have the gumption and the determination to realize that in order to have family time as priority we have to work together and no amount of arguing and clawing at each other's throats will get us there. Only communication, realization, learning, soaking in wise counsel, and working towards that goal together.

Beautiful Sunday

As I sit here on Valentine's Day morning with my fresh cup of coffee and Brando's famous fruit salad, my heart is bursting with the fun of Saturday.

But, Sunday was amazing in it's own right. I'm not one to sit by the sidelines and let life pass me by - usually I take the reins and make sure things happen. So being down and under this week with my back has thrown me for a loop. This weekend I had to lay low - between my back and all the meds I just didn't have the energy to get us doing activities like I normally do. Saturday turned out amazing, thanks to Brando.

Sunday all I wanted to do was say good-bye to my girlfriend who is leaving for a month. I didn't expect us to do anything else, because normally I would be the one to plan that and I didn't for the aforementioned reasons. Brando did take me to say good-bye to my friend. We picked her up and meandered over to a beautiful grassy area in the middle of town where you can see the skyline. Her and I walked to the top of a hill to see the backdrop of the skyline with the grassy area all around us, then I dropped her back off where she needed to meet up with another friend, while the boys stayed and played.

While I was dropping my friend off, the boys discovered an impromptu circus. The performers had brought all their toys out to play - silk ropes, wheels that you stand on and pedal, tight ropes, hula hoops hanging from a tree, and more. My friend and I had seen them from atop the hill, but didn't think about asking what they were up to. The boys and Brando had been brave enough to ask, and when I got back were playing away.

We spent the next three hours there pedaling on the wheels, climbing up the silk ropes (well, the boys did - I would have if my back was not injured and almost did any way until Brando reminded me that I had just said I was at the point where my back is okay but if I do anything to strain it it feels like it would go right back), and hula hooping in the tree.

The boys also found out they meet every Sunday there. I pride myself on researching the heck out of my town and knowing every little in and out, but you just can't research things like this - groups of people spontaneously gathering to share their art. Letting go and letting Brando figure out what to do as a family was a new thing for me, and I would've taken the reins if I had the energy. But now I see what can happen with a little spontaneity and Brando taking the lead, and am more apt to let him take the lead more often.

The Little Moments

*Brando singing Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" to me when I ask him anything about how I look

*Dancing with my boys when Shawners danced to the radio outside the car when I picked him up from school, and when Justinbustin danced to the song playing on my computer. My favorite part is the spontaneity with which they break out into dance when they hear a song. I didn't do that as a kid and I LOVE that they do, and of course I dance with them. This afternoon when Justinbustin and I were dancing I said, "I love dancing with you guys." and he says, "I love it, too." Melt my heart.

*Being able to pick up and clean my house. I didn't know I could be so grateful for something so mundane, but being able to do it is a blessing.

*Brando setting up a couples' massage for him and I with my favorite masseuse for me. If nothing else good came out of me being in bed on my back the last week, this stands alone by itself. What a treat.

*Having good conversations with Justinbustin about schoolwork and setting up the perimeters of certain projects in school needing his full attention to details and other projects that aren't very important just need the requirements met and neat handwriting. I told him to let me know which category a project falls into so that I don't stress him out about schoolwork. I want him so desperately to know, "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." Ecclesiastes 9:10, but the truth is certain projects in school just aren't worth your energy at the expense of other projects. And I can see the stress I put on him when I try to emphasize those unimportant subjects at the cost of the projects (and extracurricular) activities that DO matter.

*Our old, torn courch finding a new home in the garage as a hangout for the local neighborhood kids and the boys as they put the space heater on, play their DS, bike around, play ball, play music, and chat. I didn't think we would be the local hang out for the kids as we don't have a game room or anything big for them to hang out. I am so grateful the couch gives them a place to hang out, and a garage full of toys gives them a desire to hang at our place.

*Watching my little man in the bathtub having a blast with only two cups, and realizing that he is about to pass the moment of innocence where he plays so happily in the bathtub saying, "Mommy, come here!" every two seconds to show me a new trick he discovered, and thereby enjoying every second of seeing his new made up tricks while I still can.

BitchCakes

I don't really know if it's possible to love another blogger you've never met, but this comes close. BitchCakes started her blog when she weighed 200 pounds and still looked amazing. She now weighs 134 and works out more than any person I have ever met. Recently she climbed the stairs of the Empire State building. The words she writes to encourage, inspire, and motivate herself are priceless to anybody working towards any goal. Instead of beating herself up, she gives herself the okay - even for months at a time, and knows she can start back up at any place she desires.

I've been meaning to post her blog for several weeks now, but GFF's recent post finally pushed me to do it. We ALL have different ways of doing things, my bf KT absolutely loves to work out and she wouldn't give that up for the world. She loves the way it makes her feel. I am the opposite. I despise working out, unless it's with a friend, and would gladly eat the healthiest I can in order to avoid the workout room as much as possible though I definitely still need working out for definition and cardio for my tummy! In addition, I love the way eating healthy makes me feel. But it's okay that she's different from me. I have another girlfriend who goes up and down from being exactly my size, is the same height, and has always weighed 20 pounds more than me. The reason she goes up in size? She's been working out even more than she usually does and her legs get bigger - she's a workout fiend, too. I have other friends who control their portions, never look at the scale, and that's how they maintain their size. It takes all kinds of different people to make up this world, as my bf KT would say, and that is absolutely okay.

It's Time Cont'd...

The rest of Monday thru Tuesday... hers in italics:

ate belgian waffle, jam 6 pts

coffee 4 pts

smoothie 3 pts.

sorry for not being there for you :(

no worries, lol. I'm staying on.

lots of zero point veggies

edamame - 3 pts

rosemary & fig chicken with steamed green beans - 7 pts

three glasses of wine - 6 pts

So 22 pts total but I was 105 again today! whoo! thinking i'm trying to work through my plateau again

omg

asian ckn wrap from togos 12+ pts. so not even healthy!!!! but it looked healthy!

3 see's candies...? pts.

don't even wanna know.

i'm gonna 'just dance 2' on the wii and do my abs.

going to juice oranges/ carrots and that's all i'm eating the rest of the day.

hot tea with honey - 1 pt

bananas with honey - 3 pts

glass of wine - 2 pts

three rochers - 5.5 pts
two reese's peanut butter cups - 4 pts

taco bell 7 layer burrito - 10 pts

chipotle chicken soft taco - 18 pts FUDGE

chips & guac - at least another 8 pts

I don't even want to add it up... darn it, I'm eating like I'm working out again, but I didn't work out today!!

Just to keep myself accountable, that's 41.5 points - TWO DAYS worth of food. Crazy.

{So. Tuesday we had a marital meltdown and I have not been tracking - a Weight Watchers word for keeping track of your food, I love it because it keeps me so accountable - since then. I've allowed myself to concentrate on things like drinking more water, taking vitamins, and eating more carbs - things I'd neglected since I've been focusing on tracking, and things that are equally important for me to remember, especially for my mood. I still have not gotten my period in three weeks and it is concerning me, so hopefully drinking more water and taking my vitamins again regularly will set me straight. I've still been weighing in, but just at nights, and fortunately I've been at 106 so that has been encouraging. I may or may not start tracking again soon, it will probably depend on if my weight goes up again and/or when the marital ugliness has been fully remedied - well on it's way now, though, thank goodness.}

It's Time Cont'd

The rest of Thursday through today... hers in italics:

:-( Sorry

Request a different teacher? {regarding email vent about J's teacher}

1 orange so far. and I weighed 139.000000 WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The other teachers would be going to lower math, which he doesn't want to do, probably for the embarrassment of it.

Now that I'm off my high horse this teacher isn't HORRID, she's hard nosed, black & white, and uncommunicative. I guess it could be worse - she could not care at all.

The nice thing even though is homeroom teacher is firm, she's very loving and caring and believes so much in him that she helps to balance out the math teacher and pull me back from the edge with the math teacher haha.

bagel 3 pts

5 pts total

Applesauce - 1 pt

6 pts total

I've unstressed a little. Can you tell :) ?

Nice...

Ate a whole wheat tortilla tuna salad wrap...5 pts. really surprisingly good! I like the whole wheat tortilla!

so 6 pts...

then i'm gonna have my coffee now and I probably won't eat anything else, cuz i have an appt at 6:30. I might eat some popcorn w/ the kids tho...but that'll be a few pts only.

yay for life

Whole wheat is awesome. The fresh whole wheat pasta in the refrigerated section tastes just like the real thing.

Ummm glass of wine 2 pts

I'm sounding like an alcoholic lately. Maybe I'm on permanent pms?? This period thing is freaking me out a bit... Maybe I had one I forgot about!!

going down hill quick...

2 bacon - 2 pts

1 belgian waffle - supposedly 5 pts, but i think its not

coffee 3 pts

so 16 pts...guess that's not too bad. can i stay there tho?!

16 pts is awesome!! yes you CAN *channeling bob the builder from back in the day*

Had a boy scout court of honor tonight - Justinbustin is now 2nd class whoo.

Had two rice krispie treats (3 pts), fruit, and lots of veggies with dip (1 pt)
Chicken burger with the usual (i'm addicted lately) - 7 pts
Cookie - 4 pts

20 pts. blah.

and one more piece of bacon and 1 orange...so about 23? I might try to exercise...I noticed my tummy flatter after exercising my abs.

blah.

hopefully i stay at 139.0

:-(

yup - exercise, especially cardio "melts the tummy fat" as my bgf KT would say

ahhh, still have to do my exercises :( . i realized it takes a half hour to do my exercises and they're pretty strenuous at times!! so that's probably adding a half hour of light to moderate workout in my day - maybe that's why i've been "okay" butting up to my points

106.5 tonight so hopefully i'll still be 105.5 tomorrow. See!! That's why I do the night weight. I've been 107.5 at night until now. i think. haha

try another preg test...$1 at the $1 store

well, i ended up at 23+ pts....oh well...did my ab work 2nite, we'll see how it goes in the mornin'

gettin my hair done tomorrow at 8ish...yay!

did 3 highlights today! Made $180!!! Minus product $150??

Have to pay off cr cds...excited!

FINALLY!

Yeah, I may try another prego test tonight. I bought a box with two.

I finished yesterday at 20 pts. Woke up at 105 this am - whoo!

Subway Club - 6 pts

About to eat edamame - 2 pts

xo

Salad with fajita vegetables, pico de gallo, and chicken - NINE points :(:( - I mistakenly thought the fajita veggies were 0, but they were 2.5 and the chicken was 5.5, plus the pico was one point. dang

So at 17 points, but I'm eating my ice cream dammit

still at 6 pts...having steak, potatos and huge salad for dinner, so saving pts for that.I'm so stoked!!!

2 fresca steak soft tacos at taco bell 6 pts

what happened to the steak & potatoes?

breakfast in bed this am: bagel, egg white, two slices bacon - 6 pts

Peanut butter and Jelly - 7 pts

Yeah, saving points for dinner served me well in the beginning. Now I'm going the opposite way :( :( :( . Learning a lot about myself haha. Forgot to weigh myself until after breakfast, then I was 107.5 - what?!?! - so gained 2.5 pounds yesterday?! I didn't even overeat. Ugh. Weighed myself later in the am and was 107 so no idea what I was in the am. I think I'm trying to break through a plateau, maybe. Too bad it's the weekend and I'm out of fresh veggies and fruit and money to buy them :( .

Oh hey, I worked out 25 minutes of intense cardio yesterday! I totally forgot. So yay that added an extra 3 points for yesterday! whoo.

did you take another prego test?

nice on workout...wish i had time.

So yesterday I did eat steak and potatoes....gained .5 lbs. think i was at my pts for the day, just ate late:(

Today i had a cup of chicken from a mall restaurant. no idea how many pts, but gonna guess 10 w/ the sauce.

Then had venti skinny vanilla latte...6 pts (4 pts for a grande).

done for the night, so I'm gonna lose weight,,,,right?!

Tata for now.

u aren't mad at me right? for my comment on the phone? i WAS teasing you!

maybe you are getting your period today...i gain a ton the day of

Took another prego test and negative, nada. My body is just majorly f**ed up right now - the period thing, my back hurts like f** {realized this was from rock climbing the day before - whoops}, and I'm a bitch. No, not mad at you - wasn't in the mood for teasing though. Brando and I have been at each other's throats cuz guess why - I haven't had any quality time (oh yeah, and all the other stuff). {my nephew}'s been off and on sick between events we've had and screw ups with arranging babysitting so I'm basically at B's throat 24/7. Did the Lifetime Fitness thing of rock climbing and water slides and sauna again yesterday though so that was fun for the moment.

ROYALLY screwed my points yesterday. Flew them a big fat finger in the face. Let's see if I can even remember what I did to rub it in to those damn points...

besides breakfast in bed (how spoiled am I that even after breakfast in bed I'm still a bitch because I want quality time) which was - 6 pts
there was the pb&j - 7 pts
then there was a free spicy chicken sandwich from chickfila without the bun - 7 pts
shitload of whoppers, milky way, and starburst - at least 12 pts
kettle corn popcorn - 5 pts
oh, plus coffee - 1 pt

so f**in 38 pts??

{forgot to mention to her I did an hour of intense cardio via rock climbing so at least that added 6 pts}

Another factor has been I ran out of fresh veggies and fruit Friday, so that's a big part of it I think. Replenished the supply last night so hopefully today will be MUCH better. I was 107 this morning, so gained back two pounds as of right now :/ .

{insert random washer review conversation here}
ugh, the reviews for the washer are so conflicting! one says quitest ever machine, the next review says loudest LOL

ate 1 orange and 1 banana...2 pts??

Sorry :( . Did you find a washer?

One cup fruit - 2 pts

One cup coffee - 1 pt

Chicken burger with the usual - 7 pts

Sweet potatoes - 1 pt

Broccoli and green beans - 0 pts

Four croutons - 1 pt

Salad with cilantro lime viniagarette and cherry tomatoes - 1 pt

Iced tea - 0 pts

So 13 pts total. Weird, cause I feel like I ate a ton - those sweet potatoes were filling! Back on the bandwagon today, yay!

Plus two hours of walking/hiking so four points extra - yay!

No wonder I feel full - I forgot I ate a cookie with milkshake today too. So add 5 pts.

18 pts total - 107.5 tonight. Yay.

so sad you won't be tracking much this week. hope everything goes well. here's mine for today:

one cup fruit - 2 pts
one cup coffee - 1 pt
one banana with honey - 3 pts

xo

Oh, yeah. And 106 this morning. Going back down, yay!

It's Time Cont'd...

The rest of Tuesday through today... hers in italics:

WHAT? IT's easier for you?! Seems we are on the same boat...slwoly losing

*NOT* easier!!! You had said it WAS easier for me. Meant to say it's NOT easier.

pts:

eggs/egg whites w/ vegies and salsa 4 pts

popcorn 4 pts

smoothie 3 pts

snacks at sam's (freebies) : 3 (ckn sandwich and bbq ckn sandwich)

coffee skinny vanilla latte from java detour w/ coupon - 6 pts????? have no idea :( and its not on their website, that i can see

so 20 pts...i should be good today..have hilite tonight to keep me from food and coffee will keep off the hunger.

maybe i should do this every night

got a hot air popper so it'll be 1 pt. for 3 cups!! i can snack all day when i'm pms'ing!! think i told you that on the phone. i'm like my mom. on repeat most of the time.

Sooo S had an event today which had food. I didn't eat much, but it was a bunch of random little carb loaded, fat loaded things. So literally even though it was maybe five bites it was probably at least 5 points

Food at S's events - 5 pts
Chicken burger with same ol' - 7 pts
Maybe twenty fries? - 6 pts
Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie dipped in milkshake - 6 pts

TWENTY FOUR pts

Dang, it's amazing how fast they go :( . How did I ever have room for ice cream the first few days?!?!

Btw 10 oz coffee latte is 4 pts, so yeah probably 6 since they come in 16 oz or so
call me! I'm done w/ appt.
i drank half the coffee so 3 pts...so 17 pts. yay.
should be 139 in the morning...have coffee in me so i might work out.

{edited out giant vent email that had nothing to do with weight watchers}
105.5 just now, but also just now forcing myself to eat one cup of fruit so 2 pts. stressed out to the max so probably wont be eating much today.

Oh yeah and STILL don't have my period.