OH MY GOSH SO SO SO SO SO SO FREAKIN' PROUD!!! Justinbustin and his robotics team took first place in core values (essentially teamwork and sportsmanship) today at their robotics tournament and got invited to go to regionals in January!!! I am SO SO SO SO excited!!!

Truthfully, I was looking forward to a HUGE break from robotics after going, going, going the last few months and especially the last few weeks - on top of normal volunteering, work, and life. BUT I am thinking I could run on pure adrenaline from today's tournament until then. I am SO SO proud of them!!

In addition, today's actual tournament wasn't HALF as stressful as last week's practice scrimmage. The scrimmage had fifty people shoving around the tables while the team sent their robots out to do their missions. Today, the tournament was MUCH more organized and only the teams were allowed on the floor with their robots and coaches, and the parents in the bleachers. SO much less stressful without fifty kids shoving around the table.

I did wake up with a stress headache this morning from having nightmares since 3am about forgetting things we needed. Turns out, I did forget two things - the core value (!!) posters we had made, and a kid on the team (!!). But, one of a team member's parents who came called the school vice principal who called a custodian at the school to open the school for them to get the posters, and while they were doing that, I went and picked up the kid who I had forgotten I was supposed to pick up after he texted me, thank goodness. All was well. There was SO MANY other things I did well and DID remember that I couldn't possibly beat myself up for that, as KT and Brando so often reminded me through out the day.

First person I called when we got out was KT. I thanked her for her support these past few weeks when I've sent her texts saying I'm stressed or feeling defeated or worn out. She would text me back how amazing I am for even doing this, how inspiring I am, and what a wonderful thing I am doing. I wish my phone was a smart phone and not a dumb phone so I didn't have to delete everybody's texts and could look back at hers to smile. I still smile when I think about them, though. Everybody needs a best friend like KT. I also told her, shhhhhh, a secret that the core values was my baby, the one I took on because it was a new judging realm this year and nobody seemed to know what to do with it. So I took it on, realizing if it was new and nobody knew what to do with it, I couldn't fail any way. So when the kids won first place in it today I secretly gave myself a pat on the back. I felt that maybe I CAN contribute and maybe I DO have something to offer, as I have been backing off in every other realm except to completely support the coach, send out all emails, do all research, provide all materials, and make suggestions that the coach made the final decision on. Core values is the only one I ran with. Of course, it still wouldn't have happened without the kids and the coach. The kids ARE awesome together and we've been talking the last few days how we haven't had any problems with them, and the coach made several home run suggestions today to do with teamwork. Yet the leading thing was spurred by the thing I came up with and implemented each week. As KT says, I am just "enjoy[ing] the way it makes [me] feel". She's so awesome.


As is my stellar hubby who reminded me this morning as the tournament got rolling and I headed to pick up the other team member, by calling me by name to tell me it's not about what I SHOULD'VE done it's about what I CAN do. I texted him back, "I like when you say my name." and smiled because of his support.

What an amazing, amazing day. Now, I have warned the boys and myself of the down slope after such an amazing adrenaline rush. I am constantly reminding myself so it doesn't hit me too hard!! It already hit Shawners HARD this evening. He is now in bed missing Captain America because of it. He's probably already passed out asleep. If not, I'll go get him in a bit for having a good attitude about going to bed and let him watch a bit.

Justinbustin had a TINY bit of a meltdown. Tiny, big bit, but more Shawners induced, which Brando was put on comedy listening order for the same thing, which I understand. I barely held it together myself while dealing with Shawners on the way home. He finally realized it though and was in sincere tears rather than attitude shouts this evening, so if he's still awake he will see that reward.

And I'm off to finish my port and enjoy the "way it makes me feel" the rest of this evening *smile*.

Decluttering Heaven

So for the first time Justinbustin and I cleaned his room today without any meltdowns. Really, it's a testament to his maturity, because I still almost melted down. Right after he said he thought I should take a break and I didn't take take a break, which is the funny part. But I didn't melt down. Thank goodness. He is finally mature enough not to cry, whine, and complain when I throw his junk away. He is such a little pack rat, and we are trying so hard to bring him out of that. Today, I threw away three kitchen garbage bags full of trash out of his room, and three and a half kitchen trash bags full of clothes. Keep in mind his room is the size of a closet (mostly because it is a closet, but a very large closet and one that he'd prefer to have as his room than share a room with his brother). There were still boxes in there that he hadn't unpacked from our move back in June. Which is where all the clothes were that his brother and him had been complaining about that they didn't have. Any way it is so clean and it is strange how light and airy it makes me feel in the rest of the house. The rest of the house where I can't even see his room! I've been on a decluttering rampage lately -- my bedroom, the office/lobby, the living room, the shoe area, the garage -- and taking before and after photos because seeing the before once I've gotten to the after is so motivating and rewarding. It's been SO easy to keep clean, and SO easy to quickly declutter now that I've got the deep clean and declutters out of the way. Granted, it's still not decorated (especially our bed, which needs an overhaul), but it still feels put together and therefore is motivating to keep it looking as neat as it is. This just felt like the final straw of decluttering and it makes my heart smile and feel light.

Energy

Having a conversation with my BF, KT.

I've been talking to her about spending energy and making the choice where we spend it. Whether on family, career, guys, hobbies. We invest our emotional energy into what we desire to happen in our lives. Five years ago I invested my emotional energy into being able to go out and party, to have girlfriends, to get out and enjoy life, to travel in what capacity I could. And it happened. Boy, did it happen. And I enjoyed five of the best years of my life. I did what I wanted to do, I enjoyed the hell out of it, and I have reaped the benefits of investing my energy with incredible girlfriends.

Now I want to invest my emotional energy in something new. I'm not sure how to balance what I already have with what I want. But I realize what my desire is and I want it, and I want to invest my emotional energy in it to make it happen. I want to start a business with Brando. I want to have that something personal to invest our time into. Something that we can work on together in the long run. Something that will support us, and allow us to be together.

"Once you find your real passions in life you're not going to want to go out with your friends every other night and go party... It's all about being content, and being okay with your feelings. Allowing yourself to heal." -KT

I talked to her about making a choice and a decision then being patient for that decision and doing the right thing to make that choice and decision happen the best way you know how, then somehow we got on the analogy of marathons. How you have to make the choice to run a marathon, then start the training for it, and then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to make it across the finish line. What a perfect analogy for life, really. In life you have to have the desire and make the choice to do what you can do to make that desire happen, you have to train for whatever the desire is, then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to cross the finish line.

KT just told me when we went hiking together with Shawners last year, when he was having a super tough time continuing on, it was hot, and we'd chosen to hike way too long of a hike for an eight year old, and he was breaking down, I told him, "When things gets hard, that's when you have to work the hardest, and if you push through it, you feel awesome and rewarded at the end." I love that she remembered I said that because I certainly didn't remember I said that, and I love that she told me she remembered that. She mentioned she wondered if he thought of that as he was running his marathon last week, and ran each week throughout the year, and how he finally felt that reward at the end of running through the finish line, not even having to stop to get his medal and how that was the best part for him. Maybe he did think of that subconsciously. Brando hears things all the time and subconsciously acts on them as a result. I tend to be more conscious about the things I hear and act upon, but I wonder if he subconsciously thought of that.

"Those people are going to love and support you throughout the times that are really hard and the changes you make, especially the changes you make to better yourself." -KT

One of the realizations I had just now while talking to KT, as well as a combination of doing a survey Teagan had on her blog about how anxious and avoiding we are with the most important people in our lives (mother, father, husband, best friend), was I have been avoiding telling my friends my decision that I no longer have the energy to go out and do the things I used to do with them because I want to put that energy elsewhere because I'm afraid they won't be there for me. All along I've been thinking in black and white terms, that I will have to give up my friends in order to have this new desire in my life.

"You gave me a wake up call, when I was dating Jasen and it was an epiphany for me. It was when I was spending every single day with him and not putting any of my energy towards family and friends. One thing you said completely changed my outlook. I was like wow this girl is my best friend and one of the most important things in my life besides my family. It makes me realize how important friends are. A friend told me when you are older and have your career you will be able to count the true friends that you have on the palm of your hand, and that is so true. And people need to be more okay with." -KT

After talking to KT I realize it's not black and white. It doesn't have to be that way. While I'm realizing I can't be and don't want to be super woman and do it all, I want to make choices to have certain things in my life and invest the energy towards those things. At the same time, the friends that are truly my friends will completely support me in those decisions and be there for me all along and there is no reason to waste all the energy I've already invested into their lives and they into mine. For my part, I have to be honest with them, and with myself, that if I am honest with them and they choose not to be there that I am okay with that, and have to take that chance so that the friends who are truly my friends have the opportunity to continue to be there alongside of me as they want to be, whether I have energy to go out with them or not.

"By the way you've done an excellent job evaluating - sometimes you have to evaluate things in black and white. I've been texting you more because I realize you've needed that time to evaluate. Because only you know what's best for you. Your real friends are going to support you throughout your decisions, when you need to take on the opinion of yourself. Sometimes their opinion isn't needed so that you can take on your own. Doesn't mean you have to completely rib the opinions of others out of your life completely, and not take the advice of others. But there are times that you need to just take the advice of you and yourself . The rewards you get from that are more rewarding than anything else and the epiphanies you get from that self-evaluation are more important than any other advice you can get from any else, not that the opinions from others aren't important on what to do, but it's easier to get opinions from others than do the self-evaluation and find and follow your own opinion." -KT

One of the most rewarding conversations I have ever had with KT was just now when I told her I prayed for Brando before I knew him. That was a hard conversation for me to have with her, because she does not believe in God. But I do. I told her I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately and that I pray to God because I believe he is the only One. One of the Bible verses I grew up with was, "God will give you the desires of your heart." and time and time again I come back to that in prayer. I told her one of the important things about prayer that I've been realizing is that it clarifies our desires so when they confront us we recognize them and can make the choice to accept them and do what we need to do to have them in our lives. After I had Justinbustin, I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember, because I couldn't handle him growing up without a father and then having some guy come into his life and be like, oh, hey, by the way, this is your Dad. I couldn't handle that and so I prayed that God would give Justinbustin a father before he was old enough to remember. And when Brando came along, I realized it. I realized he was the right one. He respected his mother, his mother respected his father, his mother called herself grandmother to Justinbustin before Brando and I had even been dating a week. I realized he was the one and I did what I had to do to make it happen. I told her I wasn't in love with him when I married him. I wasn't in love with him until almost two years later. Now I am head over heels butterfly in my stomach takes my breath away in love with him. But that's TEN YEARS LATER. The day I married him I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "R o s e, what are you doing?" I realized I wasn't in love with him, but I also realized he was the right man for me and I made the choice to marry him for that reason. My word, I could not have imagined the benefits that came from that decision.

After all I've said in this post, I realize I need to spend some time in prayer right now for the desires of my heart. I desire to have that something personal where we invest our time into together, to build a company with Brando where we can work together to support our family, where family time is priority, yet we have the gumption and the determination to realize that in order to have family time as priority we have to work together and no amount of arguing and clawing at each other's throats will get us there. Only communication, realization, learning, soaking in wise counsel, and working towards that goal together.

Best Valentines Ever

*Brando got us a couples' massage

*As soon as we got out of the massage my bestie was there with flowers and chocolate and the sweetest card ever since my back has been hurting. Totally ESP as normal - she had just been about to leave to take them to my house when Brando and I walked out of the massage room. We roll like that.

*Brando got me six months of massages - best Valentines present EVAH

*We went to IKEA and bought our very first decorations together as a couple. We bought a large mirror to put over the armoire in our bedroom, along with a turquoise vase, a white B (totally random that IKEA had that), and black and dark ocean blue candles. Can't wait to show it off when it's all done! It already looks gorgeous sitting up there where Brando put it, even though it's still in it's packaging. So much fun picking them out together. Plus, we took pictures of all the IKEA rooms we liked - love that!

*Went to dinner at our Valentine's Day staple, NXNW, where I had plenty o' wine.

*Brando took me on a shopping spree to Hot Topic where I got the cutest dress, grey and blue cami dress for the night of Valentine's Day, an adorable black pleated miniskirt, a cuff bracelet, and an awesome scarf/belt/strange thing with tiny metal chains hanging off it that I can't wait to throw around an outfit. Then to top it off he surprised me with a lovebird necklace I fell in love with. Totally spoiled.

*Watched Just Go With It at the Alamo - a dinner theatre - with more wine for me and beer for him. Loved the movie and laughed way more than I thought I would.

*Came home and crawled into bed to prepare for a beautiful day today.

The Little Moments

*Brando singing Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" to me when I ask him anything about how I look

*Dancing with my boys when Shawners danced to the radio outside the car when I picked him up from school, and when Justinbustin danced to the song playing on my computer. My favorite part is the spontaneity with which they break out into dance when they hear a song. I didn't do that as a kid and I LOVE that they do, and of course I dance with them. This afternoon when Justinbustin and I were dancing I said, "I love dancing with you guys." and he says, "I love it, too." Melt my heart.

*Being able to pick up and clean my house. I didn't know I could be so grateful for something so mundane, but being able to do it is a blessing.

*Brando setting up a couples' massage for him and I with my favorite masseuse for me. If nothing else good came out of me being in bed on my back the last week, this stands alone by itself. What a treat.

*Having good conversations with Justinbustin about schoolwork and setting up the perimeters of certain projects in school needing his full attention to details and other projects that aren't very important just need the requirements met and neat handwriting. I told him to let me know which category a project falls into so that I don't stress him out about schoolwork. I want him so desperately to know, "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." Ecclesiastes 9:10, but the truth is certain projects in school just aren't worth your energy at the expense of other projects. And I can see the stress I put on him when I try to emphasize those unimportant subjects at the cost of the projects (and extracurricular) activities that DO matter.

*Our old, torn courch finding a new home in the garage as a hangout for the local neighborhood kids and the boys as they put the space heater on, play their DS, bike around, play ball, play music, and chat. I didn't think we would be the local hang out for the kids as we don't have a game room or anything big for them to hang out. I am so grateful the couch gives them a place to hang out, and a garage full of toys gives them a desire to hang at our place.

*Watching my little man in the bathtub having a blast with only two cups, and realizing that he is about to pass the moment of innocence where he plays so happily in the bathtub saying, "Mommy, come here!" every two seconds to show me a new trick he discovered, and thereby enjoying every second of seeing his new made up tricks while I still can.

BitchCakes

I don't really know if it's possible to love another blogger you've never met, but this comes close. BitchCakes started her blog when she weighed 200 pounds and still looked amazing. She now weighs 134 and works out more than any person I have ever met. Recently she climbed the stairs of the Empire State building. The words she writes to encourage, inspire, and motivate herself are priceless to anybody working towards any goal. Instead of beating herself up, she gives herself the okay - even for months at a time, and knows she can start back up at any place she desires.

I've been meaning to post her blog for several weeks now, but GFF's recent post finally pushed me to do it. We ALL have different ways of doing things, my bf KT absolutely loves to work out and she wouldn't give that up for the world. She loves the way it makes her feel. I am the opposite. I despise working out, unless it's with a friend, and would gladly eat the healthiest I can in order to avoid the workout room as much as possible though I definitely still need working out for definition and cardio for my tummy! In addition, I love the way eating healthy makes me feel. But it's okay that she's different from me. I have another girlfriend who goes up and down from being exactly my size, is the same height, and has always weighed 20 pounds more than me. The reason she goes up in size? She's been working out even more than she usually does and her legs get bigger - she's a workout fiend, too. I have other friends who control their portions, never look at the scale, and that's how they maintain their size. It takes all kinds of different people to make up this world, as my bf KT would say, and that is absolutely okay.

Texts from my hubby

I am in love with the texts Brando sends me. Just from the last few days:

"I live you."

"I love you."

I also love that he texts me back instantly anytime I text him. He even texted back to a blank text I accidentally sent him with a blank text of his own, then another with ";-)".

Now that I'm not using my iphone anymore I should write down a record of all the texts he's texted me. My favorites are the random "You're hot!", "You're amazing!", "You're beautiful!" texts he sends that brighten my entire day.

New Year's Resolutions

Brando did the sweetest thing yesterday in the car on the way to Town Lake for our bike ride and asked us all what our goals, ideas, and things we want to do for the upcoming year are.

Shawners was:

-Wants a laptop

-(oh no! I forget, I will have to ask him again!)

-

Justinbustin wants to:

-snowboard again

-get a laptop

-(oh no! same here)

Mine were:

-Start a work out regime whether it be hot yoga, pole dancing, aerial dance classes, or something else.

-Decorate our home with Brando.

-Support Brando in starting a business this year.

Brando's were:

-Build a business this year

-Work out.

-Have regular family nights/days

-Blog on a regular basis.

It was so good to hear each other's goals and desires and be able to focus on them for each other. Today, Brando and I took our first step towards decorating together! We got some beautiful, functional bookcases at Costco, came home and immediately set them up. Brando and Justinbustin set up the first one together (so sweet!), then Brando set up the second one while Shawners and Justinbustin played Monopoly together. Brando even switched the second one up a bit to make it a little more decorative, put a lamp on it, framed a picture of our wedding renewal, rehung artwork to accomodate the new bookcase, and grabbed flowers from another room to put on two of the shelves. I completed the picture with a vase full of coral from our first trip to Hawaii to celebrate our nine year anniversary. The whole thing makes me smile the hugest smile from cheek to cheek.

Brando also started on his blogging regularly by documenting the process of setting up the bookcase, inspired to not only decorate with me but blog about it by these amazing couples.