Fun

Liking:

*Volunteering at a low-cost veterinarian clinic with KT and getting woozy (read: high) off the fine dust of dewormer, and not figuring it out until after I'd licked my shirt trying to get the taste off my mouth and stop my tongue from going numb. Yup, licked my shirt. It was hilarious with our non-stop giggling and off the wall comments: "My tongue is numb." "I have no thought processes." "I can't feel my legs." "Do you want to eat at Chipotle?" with a blank look and a "Suuuurrre." from KT in response.

*Seeing someone while I'm volunteering who was shocked that I'm 29 and being told she would've put me between 18-21

*Justinbustin and his two buddies developing a school newspaper with the support of their teachers and including all types of different sections, and recruiting. This deserves it's own post.

*Not wearing makeup for two weeks and feeling confident enough that I'll even go on dates with makeup. On top of that, getting comments like the above while not wearing makeup, and also, from Li, a shocked, "You're NOT wearing makeup?! Your skin is all one tone."

*How friendly the carpool line is at the boys' school.

*My motivation to clean, clean, clean and do, do, do after volunteering this week.

*Shawners doing his meerkat presentation at school yesterday.

*Girls night with KT and Ande for the first time this week with Jamaican Chicken with Mango Salsa and Brittney Spears' Glee

*Of course girls night with M, Li, and Ambs - and K & Herbie too!

*Discovering the magic that is Zilker park with a skyline view in the fall

Not liking:

*Still struggling with accepting aging. Fb photos do NOT help since I can see the difference from three years ago to today. I want to delete them so I'm not tempted to look at them, but they're my scrapbook, so I'm not sure how to delete them without taking them away. I have figured out it is studying that has worsened the texture of my forehead and line between my eyes. Yes, I'm a research fanatic (okay, freak), and yes, I have been researching my own photos. It got really bad in February - right after the start of my second semester. It lightened up in summer with no school. And it started to get bad again as I started school this semester. I have figured out I squint while reading. I read a lot - I figured 48 hours for one textbook, and I've lost count of how many I've read the last two semesters - at least three or four. That's a LOT of squinting. My poor face. So I am working on not squinting while I study. I also got Frownies to wear at night which seem to be helping. Not sure if they can reverse the damage though, and I wake up an hour before I get up to take them off lest the boys think I'm crazy. I'm fully aware I am - okay, maybe, not FULLY aware, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it at all.

*My lack of taking pictures lately. Brando got me a new (pink) camera, since my other one went to the shop and will cost more to repair than replace. This one is a Nikon, which I thought I would like, however I am NOT liking the quality of the sharpness. The pictures come out so grainy! I am looking forward to returning it and going back to Canon, crappy as it is that it burnt out (almost, literally) on my after just a year.

*Having the boys in school at a chemical plant. Still. Shawners has had weird things going on since, and I'm trying to stay unparanoid and attribute it to allergies which are REALLY bad this season for everybody, but he's never had things like this before - headaches, neck aches, leg aches. It's just weird. I would pull him out right NOW if it weren't for his teacher being so fabulous, and how well he is doing.

What's Wrong with Me? aka Brain Dump

*my insecurities, my everything I hold inside, except to Brando, everything that stresses me out, in one post*

My life has changed 180% since this time last year. It totally freaks me out. Everything basic is the same - Brando, the boys, and I, are still us. But everything is completely different. I look different. My frame of mind is different. The boys' school is different. My body is different. Some of my friends are the same, some are different. Goldilocks' life is completely different too, so is GFF's, and somehow that comforts me knowing that those girls I've gone through so much of life with are experiencing some of the same things, comforting me in not being alone, but it still freaks me out. I LIKEd me back then. Will I like me now? I spend so much time with Brando, and the boys nowadays. While I love that, am I neglecting myself? Will I turn around in six months and ask myself why didn't I take care of myself more? Why did I neglect my friends more than I used to? Why didn't I have a desire to go on the cousins' trip this year?

School is freaking me out. Every time I'm in school my brain goes to mush as far as desires to do other things. At the same time, am I blaming school for my lack of motivation? I'm discovering I tend to blame things on situations or others instead of fixing them.

Do I just need to get out more and stop giving excuses? I have no desire to hang with friends, go out at night, or party lately. I have no desire to take trips, except with Brando. Where is the desire I used to have to go out with friends, attend events, party, go out at night, and travel with girlfriends? Why don't I have that anymore? It makes me wonder, and scares me a bit, yet at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. Then at the exact same time it scares me if I'm going to wake up in a bit and go what the hell was I thinking not going out with my girlfriends? That part makes me want to force going out with my girls unnaturally (meaning almost against my will), to make sure I maintain my health. I had to force myself in the beginning, four or five years ago, to go out with the girls, but it was different then. Then, I WANTed to, but I was scared and fearful I wasn't good enough to. I got over that, realized I was good enough (meaning fun enough, silly enough, outgoing enough, and, yes, shallowly, pretty enough) and realized how good it was for me to go out and get something back, for me, in me, so I once again had something to give to my family.

Now I DON'T want to, but is it because I really don't want to, or am I once again scared I'm not good enough? I really don't think the latter is the case, because I wanted to I would go and paint the town red. Maybe a little drink or two to get me going, but I would do it. The funny thing is I don't even have a desire to drink lately. The headache and depressive mood the next day isn't even worth it to me. That's part of what makes me sit back and wonder though, am I just not doing it because of a lack of motivation?

Or, shallowly, do I feel I'm not pretty enough? I do feel like I'm aging. Do I feel like I look too old to go out anymore? I did get a facial and that made my face look amazing, at least the last few days and that may be part of what is making me face all these feelings. Maybe I have felt ugly these last few months, and that has caused me to crawl inside myself. Sad, if that's the case. Am I really that shallow? But on one hand, it may have nothing to do with being shallow. I finally figured out how to be a girl four or five years ago and have loved every single second of it. Now, I'm stuck wondering, is it gone so soon? Am I going to turn old and ugly and have it all be taken away from me? How can it be when I've only just discovered how to be a girl in the first place? I would be so darn sad. I love being a girly girl amongst all my boys. But if I look like an idiot doing so, I don't want to be embarrassed about being one. I have gained weight. Do I feel like I'm too fat to go out anymore? I've lost some of my rah-rah let's go party attitude. Do I feel like I'm not enthusiastic enough to go out anymore? Do all of these tie in together? Or is it, again, just the lack of motivation, and these are all insecure excuses?

After typing all this, I guess my bottom line question is, is this something I should still DESIRE to do, no matter my insecurities? Am I cutting myself short by not going out, even if it's something I don't want to do? Should I just get over it, and go out and do it, any way, and the confidence will come back once I've forced myself to go out? Will I wake up in six months without my girlfriends because I haven't gone and partied with them at night enough, or gone out to events enough? Am I putting more stress on myself by not spending enough time with them, just letting loose and not having people depending on me every second I'm out?

To go with that, am I doing the right thing by going to school? It has aged me. Bottom line. So has turning 29, I am sure, but going to school has definitely sped up the process. I have no goals with school. I want to be an engineer, but the investment time in school would take too much from my family. I want to be a teacher, but I'd feel like I'm settling for some assumed women's role. I want to design websites, but that could be a trade skill and wouldn't I have figured out how to do that on my own, and maybe my design or common sense with that isn't good enough to cut it in the real world. What the hell am I doing with school except adding more stress to our lives and going nowhere?

School

Here we are at the crux of deciding for a school for the boys again. Word to the wise FIGURE OUT WHERE YOUR KID IS GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL NOW while they are still young. As a seventeen year old with a kid it never crossed my mind that I would need to figure where he would be attending school in five years when I was 23. So I've been flying by the seat of my pants ever since. Fortunately I have come to my own personal theory and conclusion that people who moved around a lot as kids are better adjusted adults. Case in point: me. I never moved around. I went from the same school, the same two teachers through all the grades for six years. Then I went straight to homeschool and besides a few brief testing periods at another school that was all I knew. I live in the same house from almost as far back as I can remember until I was 16 and moved out for a few months before moving back home when I discovered I was pregnant. I have a HORRIBLE time adjusting to change. Breakdown, meltdown, panic attack time. In admitting that to myself I am hoping that I am ironically doing my children a favor by moving them around and having (almost) private panic attacks every time I do. Maybe one day they'll adjust easily to change while I clearly do not.

School and Vacation

So I realized while I stayed caught up, I did not get ahead. Coming back hit me with two exams and three papers. I am completely overwhelmed until next Wednesday so I will be back then!

A few thoughts

*It seems that people who had to move around a lot as kids are more happy, confident, and adaptable as adults.

*I love accessible big bloggers. The ones who get a million comments on their blogs and would never need to visit your (ahem, my) puny little blog for a second, but do any way, and leave their trail of love. Those are the people I want to meet, besides all of us living in the non celebrity world of bloggers.

*A college degree is a paper of commitment that you completed a goal. A goal that took four plus years to complete.

*Clothes, hair, and makeup don't make me, but they have a power all their own. When I look styled and put together, people are drawn to them. I definitely feel more confident when I am dressed the part, but I am always who I am regardless.

In other news

I feel like my Comp II class is throwing off my writing! I hate it! I had such a good handle there on my writing for the last eight months, knowing exactly what I wanted to put down and smiling when it was done. Now a big question mark floats in my head.

There are different styles of writing, and I feel like I am just getting a grasp on it. I wish I could separate my styles more clearly already. One for analysis, and one for enjoyment. This is my writing for enjoyment. But I feel like the analytical technical side is leaking in as I'm concentrating on trying to cover all the evaluation points in the professor's grading sheet.

My Comp I professor wanted things INTERESTING, and really, that was all she required. I LOVEd it because I was able to write interesting and at the same time had to make sure it was good. If it was interesting she loved it, it was that easy. Even still it was challenging covering the new points and keeping it interesting, but that's what I loved. I'm finding I'm falling back on my notes from that class to keep things interesting in this class and crossing my fingers this professor will think I'm covering her points technically even though it's an interesting read.

My first paper for this Comp II was completely technical, so it will be interesting to see what my professor thinks of that. This next paper that is due, I am going for a more interesting approach, because seriously writing that first paper bored me to fucking tears. This second one I wrote in an hour or so and makes me smile when I look at it. Hopefully she smiles when she looks at it too instead of stabbing it with a red pen.

A New Semester Begins

And I'm exhausted. Not from class. My art history class was not as bad as I'd imagined, and stayed up til 1am stressing over those imaginations. I'm actually looking forward to it. I cut down my load from four classes to three this semester mostly because I feel like I aged ten years last semester trying to juggle family, school, and surviving. However, I'm hoping taking three classes doesn't give me too much time to putz though. I'm good at putzing. On the other hand, I do hope it gives me enough time for balance. This week is only syllabi, but I should be reading my first chapter in history. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed textbooks are sixteen chapters long? A chapter a week. Makes sense! Any who, now that I've got this out on paper I"m off to read that chapter.

Sooooo not feeling the love lately

I'm loving Allison's bullet point posts lately, so I may steal her idea:

*Lost eight pounds with the Fat Flush Plan by Dr. Ann Louise. Felt AHmazing! I fit in my pants again! Been meaning to post photos of the delicious recipes I've been making on my main blog, but haven't got to it. I feel fantastic! Now to maintain it.

*Brandon lost ten pounds with the same detox plan. Here's to hoping he keeps it off as well.

*Wanting to plan a trip to Hawaii. Super nervous about taking a big trip during school. Regardless, need to buy the tickets so I have something to look forward to and don't back out.

*Feel like last semester aged me three years. But then I look at my previous pictures and I look the same as I do in some of them. Only it seems like I look that way in all my pictures now. Thinking it may be more of a self confidence issue? Need to upload the latest round of pictures and see. Since I've lost weight I feel a little better and maybe my face just had weight on it I wasn't used to.

*As to that weight. Yeah, I put on that freshman eight. Here's to hoping the second semester doesn't do me back in. Rocking the PB&Js this semester for lunch.

*I get bored easily. I'm already bored with school. No, not particularly with school. I loooooove learning. But the IDEA of it I'm totally bored with. Especially that this will be my life for the next 4-5 years or possibly longer. Du-umb. I need to have better time management so I can still live a life and not live in fear of vacations during school time!!

*Speaking of time management, only taking three classes this semester. Made President's Honor Roll last semester taking twelve credits and making all As. But, surprise! Registration opened in October. I was like, "Wha-? Whoa!", signed up hurredly for classes while still studying for exams, then realized I'd signed up with a shit trigonometry professor, and signed up for Art History (which I hear is intense), History II, and Comp II besides. With even the thought of that crazy core load stressing me the hell out, it was stay with the shit trig prof, or take Art History (I have no idea how this prof is). Since this is my first go around at math EVER, I decided I need a good professor in that realm, so I'll take trig this summer with a good professor and went ahead and unregistered for the spring semester class once finals were done and I could clear my head and breathe.

*History II is with my History I professor, so I kinda know what to expect from him. That's nice.

*So unmotivated when the kids are home lately. We've reached an impasse where they don't want to do what I want to do, and I don't want to to do what they want to do so we do nothing. Or rather hang out at the house. I'm trying to learn how to hike where I enjoy it, so I can take them. I think they enjoy that. If not, they darn well better learn how to especially if I have!! I went with my girlfriend on Tuesday and we had a blast. It helped it was a gorgeous day.

*Brando and I are okay. Not bad, not good. When I go out with my girls and see all the creeps at the bar I am sooooo glad to have him to come home to. And then I go out again the next night! No, seriously, I have slowed down on the partying since school started mostly out of necessity and just not feeling it with all the exhaustion of life and school. I've found a group of girls who are single and more than likely staying that way for awhile who love to go to all the free events I love to go to, that are earlier in the evening and usually end with me in bed or at least home at midnight, versus staying out til' 3am in the morning. Can't do that so often anymore. With the stress of school and family, that would REALLY do me in haha.

*Oh, back to Brando and I. Not much more to say there. Trying to work together. Trying to get him into school via a program that turns life experience into school credit. At first he went in kicking and screaming saying he wasn't doing anything for four years until I was done. When he came back out, he was like oh that's not so bad. I could become a student and then just take it slow for a few years. Yesssss!!! (imagine motioning for a truck driver to honk his horn, only do it as a victory pull)

*That's it. School starts next week, and I'm looking forward to it in a nervous, where's my life going to go again sort of way.

I love...

being able to explain to my children that z + z equals 2z and that pie is a number that keeps on going and never repeats, and that e stands for the number that best represents exponential growth.

While driving around looking at Christmas lights tonight (we forgot to do it before Christmas), Starbucks hot chocolates and vanilla lattes in hand, the boys were creating a code for the alphabet where each letter represents it's number in the order of the alphabet. A letter plus a letter equals a letter unless it is over 26, then you minus 26 and it equals the resulting number. Well, that sounds all fine and dandy, but we had to pull the rules out of our ten year old tooth and nail who was trying to explain that a + b = c but z + z = z . It was a half hour of conversation and fun including the aforementioned subjects along with it.

Those of you whose parents granted you the gift of education, be grateful that when your kids come to you with questions for homework you will have a vague sense of what they are talking about. When you haven't taken it (even if you slept through or missed class, you still had to cram and take the tests), you aren't even afforded the possibility of a vague idea. I LOVE having a vague idea, even a very solid idea, even with it being from going to school now.

Things I Want to Do for School

*Join Phi Theta Kappa, ACC's honor society

*Decide on a major

*Apply to schools in California - possibly Stanford

*Start a school organization for mothers in school

Outlines saved my sanity...

Since school let out my brain has been going 100 miles a minute. The first week the kids were still in school and I filled the week with cleaning, shopping, breakfast, and friends. I LOVED it! The week flew by and I felt like I got SO much done (not so much on the Christmas shopping spectrum though) and had SO much energy. It was ahmazing. Because the house had got tossed on the backburner during school it could've easily been overwhelming. Fortunately partly through my practice creating outlines and writing papers with English and partly from having to write down and then prioritize all my homework when I got overwhelmed, I was able to come up with a simple system to get it all done quickly and in one day. I didn't get to the piles of paper, but I had it looking spic and span with hardly any effort. And I've been using the simple outline system for getting other things done, quickly and simply taking care of the highest priorities and getting the job DONE. My outline system?

Bedroom

Bed

Clothes

Nightstands

Bathrooms

Floors

Counters

Toilets

Living Room

Coffee Table

Chest

Floors

Boys Bedrooms

Beds

Clothes

Dressers

Kitchen

Counters

Floors

Dining Room Table

I even used a simple outline for accomplishing my blog goals today:

Blogs

New blog

Outlines

Christmas

So simple. And ta-dah. It's DONE. After that, I can add to it as I please, or not, since the main part is DONE. Did I say DONE? Yay!