Dancing in the Minefields - Andrew Peterson

The Dad of the first Eagle Scout from the boys' boy scout troop told us tonight when he hears this song he thinks of Brando and I. Talk about tears - especially as we're talking to him about yet another field to dance in!

Freakin out a little

This kid is growing up on me. The other day Justinbustin said to me, "Everybody has a facebook, Mom." Mom intuition that we have, I realize this may be literal and meant to include him. Today I looked up his friend's facebook via the friend's mom's facebook and looked at his friends (stalkerish, I know, that's how we Moms find things out these days I guess). Sure enough, there was Justinbustin under a pseudo name. I added him as a friend, then texted Brando about it. Brando's response? "Hmmm... Well. Yeah. Just make it positive. You don't necessarily need his password. Just be his friend." Wiser words were never spoken to calm me down. I grabbed his computer to see if there was anything else I needed to be concerned about - nothing. That I could find, any way, which doesn't mean a lot. As soon as he woke up, I asked him what email he had it under as trying to log in to facebook under his email said there's no account with that email. I asked him about it, and sure enough, he has a junk email. I nonchalantly had him log into it while I sat there and asked him his password for that account, as well as his facebook account. Conversation over. Thank God for Brando settling me down, cuz I was ready to rant.

I'm learning these days to not react so knee jerkishly to everything. It's my instinct and it's necessary sometimes. Other times, things are going to happen a certain way and a knee jerk reaction is going to make a mountain out of a molehill. It's really difficult, though.

For example, right now, I want to knee jerk reaction to the different style Shawner's new teacher has. But it's just that. A different style. He's doing okay. Yesterday, he said he had a "good day, I guess", which tells me he's having a bit of a transition period. I need one, too. Especially when I go in every Wednesday to do folders and things aren't organized as they were with the previous teacher, and when I hear her instructing the kids completely differently than his previous teacher, or when I see the kids line up and her instructing when the previous teacher didn't ever say a word. She's not the previous teacher, and she won't be. As long as the kids are okay, that's the important thing. It makes me cry, either way, and want to mama bear insist that she be exactly like the other teacher as I chose to believe she would be beforehand.

Who I Am

I just realized something about myself. When I feel like an injustice has been done, I cut the person I feel was responsible out of the picture. Especially when it comes to my son. This can be a detrimental thing.

Justinbustin went on a boy scout camping trip and got bit 72+ times by chiggers. His reaction to bug bites is pretty intense - in other words you gasp when you look at the swollen bites on his leg. He's staying home from sch*ol for the second day today. The boy scout trip he went on was a black *ps mission trip. Only. He didn't get to do the super boy fun black *ps part. He had to man a station. Because he's on the A team/leadership team. First off, I've always been a little pissy that they didn't freakin' assign him a leadership position in the first place when they were assigning everybody else from his pack a position. I had to freakin' email and ask. Only then did they 'come up' with a few positions that they offered him. Both which kinda sucked in my opinion - troop secretary or quartermaster (takes inventory of all supplies). It actually makes me see red thinking about it. I didn't say anything. He took on quartermaster and has been doing something (I think) with it since. Not really much, because his position isn't required for every trip like I would love it to be, but he does something sometimes. That made me mad. I felt that was an injustice. But I let it ride.

Now. As a result, he is on the A-Team/leadership team which is kinda cool because not a lot of kids are on it. At the same time, not a lot of kids are on it besides all the Dads. So when it's only him and one other kid, and that other kid has to go home early, guess who's stuck eating by himself with all the Dads? Yeah. He kinda liked that part, but it PISSed me off, especially since HIS dad wasn't there. In addition, the whole not being part of the black *ps thing? He said he had to be manning a station because he was on the A team. So here he goes to this event he's super looking forward to, nobody tells him he won't be allowed to participate, I spend $66 buying stupid effen (sorry, I'm really mad) supplies for said black *ps that ALL the other kids end up flippin' using, comes home covered in chiggers, and gets tears in his eyes every time I ask him about what happened that night.

Not only am I RAGING MAMA BEAR MAD, I also start to wonder did something else happen? At some point, he's the only kid with a bunch of Dads. NOT EXACTLY the buddy system they are supposed to have. This part really gets me mad. What else happened? Brando says to stop questioning Justinbustin, but I'm not going to. Why is my son getting tears in his eyes when I ask him about a darn campout?

Okay. So all that. Then, I realize, I just want to take him out of the troop. I am done. SO DONE. And then I start crying the minute I type that because that is the dumbest way to go. But I am SO MAD I want to get back at these people and take away my precious son from them so they can't hurt him anymore. Then, I realize, that's what I did with his youth group (he's now transitioned into one that he goes to up here with a good friend from school) when the leader tried to convince me to hold him back in effen youth group and Justinbustin cried many tears saying his friends are where he's at and he doesn't want to be held back in youth group - it's already happened at school through no fault of his own (his birthday affected it, and the fact that when we first put him in school we put him a grade higher because the grade he should've gone in was full, which we evened out later). I don't want to do what I did with youth group with boy scouts, too.

Then, I realize, this is what I did with Jer*my. The biological Dad. When he decided he didn't want to be a part of our lives, I cut him out. I said okay. See ya. I am SO DONE with you. And I think I've been doing it ever since. I realized I did it with me, but I was fine with that. I was fine with cutting people out of my life who didn't deserve to be there. Now, if I do that to my son, he will miss out on some amazing opportunities he is privileged to be a part of. Now that I think about it, maybe I have missed out on some amazing opportunities myself, but I haven't cared. I can't do that to him, especially when he does care, and when he does have a choice.

So. Going forward. I realize what we SHOULD've done with youth group. We should've gotten involved. Been a part of what was going on. Instead of resisting, we should've been part of the solution. So now I am going to ask Brando to step up his involvement with Justinbustin's boy scouts - be there for the next few meetings. Figure out what is going on and how he can help Justinbustin be the leader I realize he wants to be. Figure out why he may be being ostracized. Is he not stepping up enough? Are they stepping on him? WHAT is going on?! And note to myself MAKE SURE you know who Justinbustin is riding with. This last time he rode with a guy I've only talked to once, this was the same guy who told him he couldn't do the black *ps. Maybe he was trying to be helpful, I don't know, but I am friends with most of the dads, and this one is not my friend. Make sure next time he ONLY goes with those who are my friends. There was one there who is my friend, but I thought I'd let Justinbustin go a little this time and not make a big deal out of him going with that person like I have in the past. Big mistake. Next time, he goes with a friend, and I am going to tell him so so that he is the one that can make sure it happens.

UGH

Sometimes, I feel like Brando will never be able to start a business with me by his side. I get SO IRRITATED when he starts. First, he's all for it and just wants to DO IT. But he wants to ask his mom for funding and so I encouraged him to write his business plan. Now he's been writing the business plan for the last four days and I'm like get over it already DO IT. Fuck, I want everything to work on MY SCHEDULE and that will NEVER happen. My level of irritation goes SKY HIGH when things don't work on my schedule though and I honestly don't know how to calm it down without taking it out on everyone around me by snapping at them.

I suppose I just need to mildly suggest he be done already and get crackin'. If he takes it, fine, if not, fine, but at least I'll have made my suggestion.

Yes, I think that's what would be good.

The other thing is, I'm not necessarily a 'do' person. I can be, but naturally I'm not. He is. I feel like I hold him back in this regard because I have too many cautions, too many what ifs, too many warnings, when really nothing will be accomplished if you don't get to those what ifs on your own.

READ AFTER YOU'VE DONE THE ABOVE

Did you do it? Okay, good. 'Cause I had a revelation after I did it. The first four words I saw? Passionate, dramatic, angry, and depressed. You think I'm kidding. I thought I was kidding. I'm not. So, of course, I dismissed it as trivial and these things aren't really true, any way. Until I started playing that certain little addictive iPhone app and noticed all my words I choose or thought first to choose are along the lines of "pain, tears, yoke, rum, phony, snit". Attractive. So I've been purposefully retraining myself to choose positive words even if it'd be a better word to choose a negative word. It must be working because I just looked at this again before I posted it and the first four words I saw were passionate, thoughtful, eloquent, restless. I'll take that. I am restless. Also, I noticed it as "wrestless" which isn't an actual word. Maybe it means I'm learning to wrestle with my restlessness and train it into a much more positive aspect. Either way, it's one of the things I'm learning to embrace about me and my passion. Bam!

Pregnant or not it's been messing with my head.

Justinbustin is practicing his trombone with his friend, who is also practicing trombone. The overload of boy noise is a little too much, and the Rihanna in my headphones is not quite drowning it out.

Moments like these make me want to go home today. LOL, I'd drop them off at my mother-in-laws and be like see ya'! Tell me when he gets better.

My mother-in-law gave me my way more than generous birthday present today after an emotional week of highs and lows discussing certain other family members with her.

Justinbustin's friend, who is a grade ahead of him and is helping teach him the trombone, just shouted, "Yeah, you got it. I'm a teacher!"

I don't know what I'm going to do this school year. School stressed the hell out of me, and stress makes me look old. Shallow, yes? But I don't care. I haven't done school since I was ten years old, and it's not in the fabric of my being to not stress about it.

I've lost motivation for the business, but I'm not sure if that's because with the summer the kids were home, or if I've truly lost motivation because it's time to take it out the door, and well, I don't do that.

I LOVEd my summer with the boys, but with the boys back in school leaves time for self-reflection.

How. did. I. end. up. here? This is such a weird spot to be in. Mother of a middle schooler at 30. Paying for band, kids in public school (so did not EVER think I would be sending my kids to public school, especially after years of home school and half private/half home school).

I love Adele. She's coming to Austin in October. Too bad after I sold my Katy Perry tickets I decided I'm glad I didn't go. I hate crowds. I remember going to an Eagles concert with Brando when I first met him. I don't remember the concert. I remember the crowd and how uncomfortable I felt in it.

I went to Justinbustin's pep rally the other night. I literally got tears in my eyes being overwhelmed by the cheers, the noise, and the crowd (the sixth graders won the spirit stick - yeah!).

My husband is amazing, grocery shopping after a full day of work.

I feel like the more reclusive I am the more reclusive I become.

On the upside, today was the first day I *thought* it was going to be less than 100 degrees since May. I got all excited and went hiking with a friend. Turns out it wasn't under 100 degrees today. I hike in 100+ degree weather. I rock.

My son is playing the trombone! Kinda cool, right? I never played in band.

My younger son got a super organized, possibly a bit strict teacher. So far he loves the class! Plus, our neighbor's girl whose birth I was at goes to kindergarten at his school this year. So cute.

My husband is amazing. And he constantly is over and over again.

I bought hang gliding lessons for Brando and I to try. Oh, so nervous, but oh so excited!


Life is one big, strange, happy mess, isn't it?

Stuck doing dumb stuff for school

*I took a picture for the kids school and now it's printing all wonky and the girl who is taking care of framing it is relying on me to help fix it, but it can't be fixed! Ugh.

*Feeling a LOT of negativity right now.

*Wish I could cleanse my aura like Phoebe on friends ;) .

*Just stuffed down a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell because I've been eating crap food all day (pickles, Kettle Chips, Annie's Honey Grahams, broccoli), and have had no real substantial food, so even though I wasn't hungry I needed the actual food.

*Going downhill fast starting with talking to Brando's Mom today.

*Haven't set my limits on not answering the phone. Don't know why, but talking to people exhausts me, especially when I'm already stretched thin. Usually I do better and let the phone ring if I know I'm going to sound like Debbie Downer on the phone, any way, but for some reason I've been picking it up on first ring, and then still sounding like Debbie Downer. Ugh!

*On my period. Doesn't help. Started it Memorial Day! Fortunately, the effects stayed at bay until today, and only today when I let them get to me. Ergh.

*Didn't work on business stuff at all today. That really bugs me.

*Flowers are annoying as heck to do the hard part. Can't wait to get to the fun part. Still, with my outlook right now, even that is making me nervous, until I think about actually getting my hands on the flowers, that part and thought is 110% calming.

Ouch

Random scattered thoughts all having to do with getting the phone call from my mother-in-law just now saying she sold all her furniture except her bed.

*The part that hit me the hardest was that she sold the guest bed set we always stay in. Maybe because I've posted about it so much. Maybe because it was my favorite thing about going there. Maybe because it was the one thing that made her house feel like vacation.

*She talked a lot about the family moving in making it a "home" like when Brando and his brother were little and Brando's Dad and her were still lived together. It's bitchy, but I comfort myself with the fact that that didn't work out so well.

*She doesn't know where she's moving to yet.

*It all hit me at once. I knew it was coming. I knew she couldn't stay in that big ol' house forever. I knew we couldn't buy it from her. I knew we wouldn't move in with her.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for being such AHAT that this is what it's come down to. On the other hand, even if money was peachy, she probably would have moved somewhere smaller eventually any way.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for spending a million dollars on CRAP. She could've had her house paid off. She could've bought us three houses. She could've paid for college for her grandkids. Instead she bought stuff and stuff and stuff, for us, for Brando's brother, for her now ex-boyfriend. We know she hasn't spent more than $100k on us between paying off debt, buying furniture for us, and helping us out every now and then (debt was $40k of that, so in reality the other part is probably less than $30k between birthday presents, christmas presents, and helping us out over ten years), so that leaves $900k she spent on Brando's brother and her now ex-boyfriend.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at Brando's Dad for not being willing to be a loving husband while she figured out who the hell she is and how the hell to take care of finances in the first place!

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at her for not putting her foot down and figuring out who the hell she was inside her marriage, no matter what it took, and for not looking to outside comfort to bring her through it. Refer back to the above.

*Part of me is SO ANGRY at myself for encouraging Brando to encourage her to sue his Dad for all the money he screwed her out of by 'taking care' of everything for her by using his lawyers for her stuff, then screwing the contract his lawyers came up with in the first place.

*A lot of me is really, really sad we don't have that room to go back to and we don't have Brando and his brothers childhood haunts to go back to and enjoy. It breaks my heart.

*A lot of me is really, really, really, really sad that chapter of our lives is over.

*A lot of me is wondering what the heck happens next.

*As I just told Justinbustin, I always attach myself to old memories, I tend to think the new memories will be worse because I love the old ones so much, but I forget that one day the new memories will be old and I will love them just as much.

*As I told Brando I KNEW this was all coming, and I don't get why the emotion hits me NOW of all times. Why couldn't it have hit me them so I would fight harder to not let the house go? Not that I could've done anything, but I can tend to be pretty persuasive, I could've fought it at least, not willingly gone along with it all.

*Maybe. But maybe it's all futile, and I should just look forward to the new memories that will one day be old, and enjoy the memories being made now.

Doing it all

You know those people who seem like they can do it all? I totally feel like one of those people right now and really need to keep my bearings straight.

I offered to do the flowers for my nephew's wedding, and unbeknownst to me until last week, was taken up on it. I am SO excited for it. However, it is a LOT of work. I'm loving it, but at the same time I am losing focus on the business!! I need to set aside time to work on the flowers, and use that time alone and not let it leak over into the business. For those of you who know me, which, if you've been reading this blog o' mine, you do :) , I hyper focus on whatever it is I'm working on. Fortunately, the wedding is next month, so once it is over I will once again be able to hyper focus on the business. However, I have been hyper focusing on the flowers enough, that hopefully the majority of it will be over this Wednesday, and in the meantime I can continue to put all my energy into the business. Rhythm, R*se, remember, rhythm.

Inadequate

This morning we have a locksmith out replacing our car key for a whopping $250. We lost the key Friday night, and though it's in the house somewhere it's just not realistic to go without a car for any length of time, especially with the price of gas and having to drive Brando back and forth to work. We've only had one key since we got the car five years ago, so it was bound to happen sometime.

Talking to the locksmith we had an interesting conversation about the cost of kids rising as they get older. SO TRUE. I realized this yesterday when thinking about the cost of band for Justinbustin coming up this school year. $25-70/month for the instrument are you KIDDING me? The locksmith started off talking about his 15 year old son who wants a car as soon as he turns 16. He told his kid pretty much good luck with that. You can share mine, but I need it when I need it, or we can buy a $200 fixer-upper. The kid, of course, wants something that runs and looks cool. All I was thinking about was Justinbustin is already counting down the days til he turns fifteen - three years to be exact. Then, this locksmith guy just informed me that dance for girls is ridiculous. He said they pay $500/costume for three one-night performances a year. *jaw drop* Seriously?! We're practically paying a college education for these kids on sports and extra-curricular before they are even in high school.

On the flip side, though, the reason I want him to do these things and thus come up with the money to do it is so they'll WANT to go to college. So they'll see all these opportunities out there, stay motivated doing them, and actually have the desire and the motivation and the follow-thru to go to college.

This cost of everything really scares me, though. We hardly have the money to pay for anything now. How are we going to have it then? Starting this business is one way, and I pray it goes through the growing pains and blossoms into more than sufficient income in three years, because I don't want to be in this spot in three years. I want to be able to match the income Justinbustin makes to buy him his own car. Heck, I want to be able to buy him his own car, but still have him match the amount or even buy his own. I want to be able to help get him started with college. Oh, man, I really need to think about this, and start putting him on the path of paying for his own college if that's the route we are going to go. Any parents ever gone bankrupt/ruined due to paying for their kids' college? I definitely don't want to be in that boat. I want to be able to afford it, but then teach him how to go and pay for it as well.

Doing it Again

There's something about when PSD gets a TON of comments that freaks me out a little. I am so personable that I don't like not being able to respond personally to each comment. I've fixed that a little in that I respond to all of the comments at once. Usually I start to freak out and start posting super personal stuff as posts, though, which, let's face it, is sometimes a lot of blither (which is why it's now here). I realize it scares people away, and so I do it. This time my sister pointed out to me that bad stress is the same amount of good stress and just like bad stress where we push through, do what we have to do, not care what others think, find out who our true friends are, and make it through, we have to push through, do what we have to do, not care what others think, find out who our true friends are, and make it through with good stress, too. Getting a lot of comments is good stress. And obviously what I've been working towards as an experiment for what is going to work with our business site. Now that I've had a little bit of success, it's time to start outlining what worked and what didn't. What made a difference, and what made no difference. It's time to take the next step and move it towards the business, while still maintaining and experimenting with PSD. Which is kind of scary. I can be really bad about taking the next step. One thing I noticed when I home-schooled the boys was I really, really wanted to drill everything into them until they knew it like the back of their hand. I didn't want to move them on, past what I was currently teaching them. Which is stifling. You don't learn anything new that way. But I do it with myself. I want to stay in one place where I'm comfortable and not push out of the cocoon to the next stage. But if I think about it, that's not truly what I want to do. I want to go to the next stage. I can't wait to see what it brings. I want to move forward.

Clusterf...

This weekend has turned out to be a bit of a cluster faux pas. Originally I had a girls' weekend to go to, so the boys had planned a sleepover in my absence. Because, let's face it, I'll go nuts having more than four boys in close proximity to me in a two bedroom apartment. When my girls' weekend had to be cancelled due to an emergency, all of a sudden I was left with the prospect of having seven boys in my two bedroom apartment with me!!! Enter instant panic mode.

Originally I had thought the weekend would go back to the way it would've been had I been staying in town - Justinbustin off on a camping trip, and to a youth group event, Brando and I would have our much needed for me date night Saturday evening, we'd have a lazy Sunday and that'd be it.

Only Justinbustin had already called all of his friends, and instead of me just saying what I wanted, I was trying to be nice and beating around the bush by not saying I CAN'T HANDLE SEVEN BOYS IN A TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT AND IT'S TOO LATE OF NOTICE FOR ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT ELSEWHERE! Eventually, Brando did come to that conclusion through my freaking out about EVERYthing (sorry, honey).

And the compromise was he'll have his birthday party next week - we'll barbeque to keep them mostly out of the house in evening, then taking them kayaking in the morning to get them out of the house early. Whew. He didn't end up going camping, which is fine, and he will go to the youth group event this evening, and possibly have one friend go with him and possibly spend the night.

A good compromise, and after talking to my KT this morning, I finally have my head screwed back on straight. I was giving her boyfriend advice and realized I needed to take it for myself! We both laughed when I realized that and decided we weren't going to let stressors keep us from enjoying our weekend.

So I promptly got off the phone with her and mapped out an afternoon of visiting local wineries with Brando (my stressor being not having time with Brando this weekend and him not setting time aside for me this weekend). We may not do it, but at least if we do get the time together we'll have something to do together that will fill up my needed time with Brando quota extremely well!

Reeling

It's been a bit of a crazy weekend.

Justinbustin went to a birthday party sleepover last night and watched his first rated R movie. Insert screams here. SERIOUSLY. The only reason I'm aware of this is because I was there hanging out with Brando and the parents and the dad comes out to their saltwater spa and says some kid (some "kid" being another of Justinbustin's friend, who I'm so proud of for speaking up and leaving before the movie started, he's another good kid) was asking what the movie was rated. The dad told him he didn't know, but the kid said his parents would want to know, and so the dad told him to just tell his parents he was watching Bambi. Insert expletive here. Who tells a kid to freakin' lie to their parents?!!?

At that point, I went inside to watch whatever Justinbustin was watching so I could talk to him about what he was watching afterwards. I wasn't going to pull him away and have him be uncomfortable at school next week as I'd already said he could spend the night, but I darn well was going to know what he was watching. It was The Killers with Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl. So not appropriate for an eleven year old with violence every second, talk about sex, and "nice boobs" as one of the ELEVEN YEAR OLDS commented until Justinbustin's friend who's birthday party it was says, "Justinbustin's Mom is right here." and turns around and looks at me. Fortunately, he (the birthday boy) is a good kid and kept looking back at me, like, 'I know you're not okay with that' until finally he says "Hi" and I give him a terse smile and say hi back. Justinbustin was looking back at me, too, and I gave him a look of 'you know I'm not okay with this, but I'm not going to be that mom that pulls you out of this situation and takes you home when I already said you could spend the night'. I did pull him aside to inform him this was his first rated R movie he's ever seen and make sure he could handle it without nightmares that evening. He said he was fine. Ughhhhhh.

The conversation leading up to me going in to see what the boys were watching wasn't much better. The parents are from Europe (by the way, I'm not judging, they are fantastic people, they just come from a TOTALLY different culture and one I don't agree with!! to each their own, but it doesn't mean I have to live that way) and are totally okay with sex. The Mom was talking about how their sixteen year old daughter (another fantastic kid) and their boyfriend have sex and they totally don't care and are okay with it - that they would rather have her do that than drugs and alcohol. As far as the rated R movie, they said they'll see it all on the computer any way, there's no filter there. I was like, "Like hell there's not. I have Safe Eyes on my computer." They joked that I have it for Brando, too, which was kind of insulting to tell the truth like I'm supposed to parent Brando?? But I was like, "Oh, no, we dealt with that a loooooong time ago." and we did.

Ugh, now that I'm writing this out, I see it for what it is. Yeah, I think they're fantastic people, but as far as their opinions, they can shove it where the sun don't shine. After this conversation, the Mom proceeds to jump down my throat about how I should think long and hard about if I want another baby (I guess Brando mentioned this to her because she started jumping down my throat as soon as I came back), that if all I want is to hold and cuddle a baby I should just get a puppy like they're puppy. WTF?! Screw you, lady. You don't know me from Adam. You don't know ANYthing about me. And you don't know that I went through five years of not wanting to be around babies because I was so tired of being needed 24/7. You have no idea that me wanting another child is a miracle, and that me wanting to have another blessing is another miracle, and that I've made a complete 360 and see children for the incredible blessing they are and am SO SAD I didn't have more when I was younger and want to make up for it now. Screw her for comparing that to getting a puppy - that's like Brando's Mom telling us we wanted to play house when we got married (part of the reason I moved 2400 miles away!) - she's since had a different view, but who was this lady from Adam to compare me wanting to have another child to getting a flippin' puppy. Then I tell her we have considered adopting as well (don't know why I told her that - she didn't need to know crap at this point), and she proceeds to tell me that it's normal for a mother to want to adopt because they have enough love for all children, but it's different for the dad, it's not natural. I laughed, and said, "That's not true with Brando."

I'm definitely proud of my in-your-face responses to her completely unwelcome "advice" when this is the second time I've hung out with her. I will give her the fact that she was a little toasty (as was Brando - oh my word, I had to carry that boy home), so I will give her another chance. But I am going to keep my guard up. I am way too susceptible to strong-willed people and tend to let their opinions worm into my heart. I am so, so, SO glad I wrote this out to see that she was doing the same thing. That's the kind of advice you give a best friend after you've known them for years and know if that's truly the case with them or not. In this case, one, she's not even a close friend, and, two, she doesn't know the first thing about me and hadn't asked before dispensing advice.

Edited to add: I just vented this whole post to Brando and realized that's not even a close or best friend's advice -- as my best friend from childhood, Kammi, asked me over and over before we had Shawners, "Are you SURE you want to do this? Are you SURE you want to do this?" She never once told me what I SHOULD do, she just made sure this is what I wanted and then backed me 100% plus. THAT is the kind of advice a best friend gives.

Another thing to add to the stressor list: people who dispense advice and tell me what I should do when they don't know the first thing about me and don't bother to ask me questions to get to know me. Edited to add: Regardless of whether they know me or not, add to the stressor list people who tell me what I should do. Regardless of whether I've asked for their input, I don't know a single one of my true friends who WOULD tell me what I should do. They'd only offer their thoughts, experience, insights, or tell me to do it if they knew I need to hear it and have asked them to tell me it -- like getting rid of crap, lol, but not ever with what I should do with my personal beliefs, relationships, or actions.

Ahhhh, that feels good to write and get off my chest.

Edited to add: Holy #@$@ I just keep thinking of more. She also made fun of our vow renewal - it didn't help Brando was drunk adding on to the story and running on about small details about our first wedding that made no difference but no matter - she was like, "Oh, you promise to love him forever now?" I told her that it meant a lot to us, that we told each other what the last ten years have meant to us and that we love each other even more now (again, no idea why I told her any of this information - it was none of her business and she certainly didn't ask about any of it) and she was like, "Nooo, you don't love each other more now." What the hell, lady? Have you lived my life the past ten years? F*ck no, you haven't. Lol, Brando could tell I'm really angry because I dropped a lot of f bombs in my vent. He tried to get me to stop with the f bombs, but I told him, no, I have to get this off my chest.

And now I'm realizing I need coffee with my KT. She always makes me feel better about how crazy people can be in this world. And just thinking of having coffee with her makes me smile :) .

Edited to add: The more I think about this, I realize I'm angry at myself for not recognizing this kind of thinking off the bat. This is what I should've recognized right away with this couple and with this lady (two people I'm sure I wrote posts about, but don't really care enough to go find those posts right now) and didn't for a long time. And now I'm angry at myself for not recognizing it with this lady right away. But, hey, the next day isn't bad! I'm glad at least for that! And now I have a key clue to tell myself to watch out for these kind of people and keep my distance immediately: when they start telling me what I should do, instead of encouraging me, asking about me, sharing about themselves, and becoming a friend, a supporter, an encourager, and allowing me to be the same for them.

Stressor Triggers

During a fabulous breakfast and heart-to-heart with Li (at my house - I'll have to post later on why that's a big deal), she suggested writing down all my stressors on paper so they stop floating around in my head triggering a stress response when they happen. Apparently she had done it a few months ago and it really helped, even when they were things that she thought other people thought might be stupid or didn't matter. It helped just to get it out of her head so she doesn't have to think about them all the time and try and keep track of them. So I wrote down my own list of stressor triggers - from one that happened while she was here, to the mundane, to the overwhelming, to the scary. And it helped get it out of my head. And now I don't think about them all the time. Or when I do, it's when they happen and I think, "Oh, there's one of my stressor triggers." Or, if one happens and I don't have it written down, I think - usually right away or right after I've reacted, "Oh, there's a stressor trigger. I can write that down."

-Kids making grandiose statements that trigger a knee jerk reaction (this was the one that happened with Liana here)
-Two bedrooms with four people
-Clutter in house
-Insults from Brando (before you go off here, this is not straight out 'you're a bitch' insults - rather insults at characteristics of mine that are different than his and get him to stretch his boundaries - I've learned recently to tell him he better darn well appreciate those because I'm GOOD at it)
-Not sure if friends are still there (since I'm refocusing my priorities and time spent on them)
-Worried whether back will get better
-My arm being sore
-Feeling like on a hamster wheel of life
-Organization or lack thereof
-Not having time, especially face to face time, with Brando
-Phone calls
-Group events
-Sitting or standing for long periods
-Finances or lack thereof
-Being away from family in Cali
-Not having a plan whenever we leave the house for an activity
-Hearing friends vents
-Hearing friends tragedies
-Kammi's brother dying
-KT's Mom dying
-Li's nanny dying
-Friend of Windy's dying
-Ashley's family & friends dying
-Not sure how to start the business
-Returning the GAP clothes I meant to exchange
-Paying large amounts for dates
-Lifting & pulling things
-Weight gain
-Grocery shopping
-Diet
-Hidey selling her house
-Not being able to go back to Hidey's the way it was again
-Not being sure where Hidey will move
-Not being sure if there will be a comfortable place for us to stay at her place
-Justinbustin not adding detail when asked a question
-Justinbustin apologizing instead of adding detail when asked what he was thinking

My Body Tells Me No-o But I Won't Quit

My new mantra. I wrote out a list of things chiropractic care has and hasn't done for me. Teagan's comment over on PSD gives me a little hope, but I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. So does the fact that the pain seems to be coming back mean that I am closer to recovery, or farther away? Still confused on that part. But not on the rest of this. I wrote down this list of what chiropractic care has and hasn't done for me so that I can walk in there on Monday and say here is what I still need, and here is what I don't need and not be an effen basket case and ball of tears like I was on Friday. Poor guys probably didn't know what to do with themselves when I kept going into the bathroom to try and make myself stop crying.

What chiropractic care has done:

-Improved my outlook

-Improved my mobility - able to sit in funky positions like I normally do; able to lay on stomach most times; able to sit with feet under me; able to lay on Brando to fall asleep again

-Improved my functioning - able to do simple household functions: laundry, picking up

-Gave me a desire to exercise more and for awhile ability ie running

-Given me 'moments' of normal where I don't think about the pain in my back

-Given me completely natural, way more than comfortable posture when standing & sitting

-Improved my arm immensely more than 3 months of occupational therapy

-Given me ability to text in small amounts without burning pain

-Taken away excruciating pain thus taking away the need for advil & most times muscle relaxants

What chiropractic care hasn't done:

-Take away the nagging, aching constantly changing pain along my spine, neck, & lower back

-Take away the overall feeling of abnormal 'something's wrong'

-Take away the pain of standing for more than 5 minutes at a time ie the pressure of standing on my spine

-Take away the pain & uncomfortableness of sitting more than a half hour at a time

-Show me the cause

-I'm a huge cause person so I can fix it or be fixed

-Take away arm pain completely - generally entire arm aches now instead of burning or tightness in forearm which makes me think it's moving away from a nerve issue

-Take away the feeling like I need to distract from the pain which I DON'T like - ate spicy tacos, drank margie to avoid taking muscle relaxants - DON'T want to be at that point

Deep, Dark Place and Silver Linings

I just spent the last fifteen minutes sobbing into my pillow like I did when I found out I was pregnant, and when I found out the guy didn't actually love me.

A simple, stupid thing was the straw on the camel's back that sent me spiraling down. The boys woke up this morning and asked if they could watch a movie on netflix through the tv. Brando said no. I told Brando I usually let them if they have everything done. So Brando said, "If you have everything done, then go ahead." Shawners had everything done like the organized little boy he is, but of course Justinbustin didn't. So when I got up to take them to school I asked Justinbustin if he'd brushed his teeth and he said, "Yes, well, yes. No." So then I harped on him for lying and the morning went downhill from there. He brushed his teeth, but then we were about to be late to drop them off for school, and sped out the door while he forgot his poster that's due today. It was actually due a week ago but he got an extension because of our trip. We are in the midst of trying to make sure he makes his own choices this week with school work and keeping track of everything and now I feel like I've let him down by taking him back home to get his poster.

It went way too far down from there and I got stuck in the guilty spiral that led me to lashing out at him, at Brando, at myself, which all led to the sobs. This on top of the pain I'm STILL feeling in my back and my arm. Today I feel like I just want to take muscle relaxants and sleep and not feel the pain for once. Of course, I'm not going to. I hate putting drugs in my body. But in the meantime my body is tense and stressed because I am sick of feeling the pain. At this point I don't know if I am in as much pain as I used to be in and I'm just working through it because the chiro tells me it's okay pain, or I'm just sore and this will get better. I don't know, and it overwhelms me.

And I'm worried I'm doing Justinbustin wrong by being so hard on him about academia. Academia is stupid if you don't have morals and character. His biological father was brilliant, and a genius. But he had no character, and therefore he has no impact, he is nothing. I'm worried I'm not building Justinbustin's character by coming down hard on him about schoolwork. At the same time, his teacher rated him 'poor' for taking responsibility for his own decisions on Monday, so I wonder if I make too many excuses for him out of fear that he will become what I despised about his biological. I wonder if I perpetuate the problem by taking responsibility myself for anything he does wrong instead of just letting him learn from his mistakes.

I'm on the fence and don't know which side to jump to. I feel like one side has angry pit bulls and the other side has angry Dobermans. I don't know which side is the wise choice.

I want him to take responsibility for his own choices, but I DON'T want him to think schoolwork is important above all else. A family is important above all else, and that's it. Nothing else. His poster he forgot today was for a project where he helped a family out this weekend by moving rocks and piles of dirt to create a water barrier for the mother's bedroom because it got flooded in the tropical storm we had last year. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom because the room flooded from water which got trapped underneath and the resulting mold was making her sick. So Justinbustin helped move dirt and rocks to finish up a previous group volunteer effort to protect the area when rains come again so that the room didn't flood again. I AM SO EFFEN PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT. These are the things that matter. Not his stupid teacher saying he doesn't take responsibility for his decisions. He takes responsibility for that. Okay, I am going to lunch with him today and telling him these things. And apologizing again for the awful thing I said to him this morning.

So I remember I need to remember the silver linings to all this. And I sobbed thinking of having to deal with the pain, these tough decisions, the aftermath whatever it is and will be, and all the while remember the silver linings.

The silver linings of my back: my arm is better!! After months of occupational therapy that fortunately didn't cost me hundreds of dollars unfortunately like this chiropractor is costing me, but also didn't work, my arm is better after seeing the chiropractor FINALLY. I didn't ever think life was going to feel semi-normal again with my arm, and now it has.

The silver linings of going through this growing pains with Justinbustin: Middle school *crossing fingers* should be easier if we can get this figured out in fifth grade. Just please God don't let me sabotage the process as long as it will build his character.

The silver linings of feeling like I'm constantly in pain: maybe the end is in sight? It's always so difficult and new in the beginning of everything and there's a very big push that has to happen to get through it, but it seems like the same thing happens in the end as well and you have to push through it. Maybe I have to push through this.

The silver lining of my arm: I stopped wasting time volunteering when I needed to be volunteering for my own family and for our own business.

Another silver lining of my back: In addition to my arm, when my back happened on top of it all, I realized I needed to stop wasting so much time with friends and invest that time with my family and our business. I say wasting time, but really, I just mean I'm learning, as my chiro says, "the power of no". I had to learn the power of no when I started hanging out with girlfriends - telling Brando no, and myself no to hanging out so much with him and saying yes to hanging out with girlfriends. Brando didn't care, but I did. And I reaped the rewards a hundredfold. Now, I have to learn the power of saying no to hanging out with girlfriends, and saying yes to hanging out with Brando and investing in our family and our business. Crossing fingers I reap the rewards of that as well.

Another silver lining of my back: I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. My abs are rock hard, and I've been running for the first time in my life. I don't know if I'm just working through the pain and it's really still the same or if I'm just sore from everything I've been doing and it's pain I'll get better from, but, regardless, I've never been in such good shape. It feels awesome, and I look awesome in the mirror.

The silver linings of going through this deep, dark place: I have all these realizations as a result. I have a thought of going to lunch with first Justinbustin, then Shawners, and making things right. I came up with a way to move forward from this deep, dark place, and with my day. This is something I usually am not able to do right away when this starts. I allowed myself to sob this morning, and put a pillow over me so that the neighbors didn't hear it, and that was cleansing as I thought through all these thoughts and came here to let them rest on paper so I can move forward to this day, and from this place.

Head Spinning

A million thoughts running through my head today

*I miss my family already like CUHrazy, like in tears driving around town today

*Shaking as I talked to Justinbustin's teacher today and confirmed that yes, he and a group of his friends had chosen not to take part in a club they had originally started earlier this year that was taken out of their hands and put in a more "politically correct" format where none of them, the entrepreneurs, of the venture had any say in it. I told her they were disappointed they were taken out of their positions, and left the choice up to him to participate or not in the new format, which he chose not to.

*Spent TWO FLIPPIN HOURS on the phone with insurance trying to gain access to MY OWN INFORMATION. Because it's all under Brando's name, though, he had to give them permission to give me access to MY OWN EFFEN INFORMATION. Seriously?! He's impossible to get a hold of these days since he's managing and on the front lines all time, so that was a nightmare to try and get a hold of him.

*Picked up Shawners from school three hours into the day as he had the runs.

*Had a chiropractic appointment today, which is what I spent time on the phone with insurance for. Apparently my insurance will only pay for me to do three exercises, because four exercises is "not reasonable" therefore my copay is essentially doubled since I'm paying for the extra exercise out of pocket. Seriously?!

*Brando just texted me he's staying at work til' eight because of an aud*t his branch is going through in the near future. ARGH.

*Back on the phone with insurance. Bleh.

*Kids speech therapist called while on the phone with insurance, had insurance on hold for WAY too long while I set up the annual meetings for the boys over the phone

*Back on the phone with insurance who asked if I'd signed a wavier stating I'd be responsible for all charges even if insurance covers it. Turns out I did. UGH. Regardless, I love this chiropractor and likely wouldn't have been seen if I didn't sign the waiver so you win some, you lose some. My back feeling better is a WIN.

Energy

Having a conversation with my BF, KT.

I've been talking to her about spending energy and making the choice where we spend it. Whether on family, career, guys, hobbies. We invest our emotional energy into what we desire to happen in our lives. Five years ago I invested my emotional energy into being able to go out and party, to have girlfriends, to get out and enjoy life, to travel in what capacity I could. And it happened. Boy, did it happen. And I enjoyed five of the best years of my life. I did what I wanted to do, I enjoyed the hell out of it, and I have reaped the benefits of investing my energy with incredible girlfriends.

Now I want to invest my emotional energy in something new. I'm not sure how to balance what I already have with what I want. But I realize what my desire is and I want it, and I want to invest my emotional energy in it to make it happen. I want to start a business with Brando. I want to have that something personal to invest our time into. Something that we can work on together in the long run. Something that will support us, and allow us to be together.

"Once you find your real passions in life you're not going to want to go out with your friends every other night and go party... It's all about being content, and being okay with your feelings. Allowing yourself to heal." -KT

I talked to her about making a choice and a decision then being patient for that decision and doing the right thing to make that choice and decision happen the best way you know how, then somehow we got on the analogy of marathons. How you have to make the choice to run a marathon, then start the training for it, and then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to make it across the finish line. What a perfect analogy for life, really. In life you have to have the desire and make the choice to do what you can do to make that desire happen, you have to train for whatever the desire is, then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to cross the finish line.

KT just told me when we went hiking together with Shawners last year, when he was having a super tough time continuing on, it was hot, and we'd chosen to hike way too long of a hike for an eight year old, and he was breaking down, I told him, "When things gets hard, that's when you have to work the hardest, and if you push through it, you feel awesome and rewarded at the end." I love that she remembered I said that because I certainly didn't remember I said that, and I love that she told me she remembered that. She mentioned she wondered if he thought of that as he was running his marathon last week, and ran each week throughout the year, and how he finally felt that reward at the end of running through the finish line, not even having to stop to get his medal and how that was the best part for him. Maybe he did think of that subconsciously. Brando hears things all the time and subconsciously acts on them as a result. I tend to be more conscious about the things I hear and act upon, but I wonder if he subconsciously thought of that.

"Those people are going to love and support you throughout the times that are really hard and the changes you make, especially the changes you make to better yourself." -KT

One of the realizations I had just now while talking to KT, as well as a combination of doing a survey Teagan had on her blog about how anxious and avoiding we are with the most important people in our lives (mother, father, husband, best friend), was I have been avoiding telling my friends my decision that I no longer have the energy to go out and do the things I used to do with them because I want to put that energy elsewhere because I'm afraid they won't be there for me. All along I've been thinking in black and white terms, that I will have to give up my friends in order to have this new desire in my life.

"You gave me a wake up call, when I was dating Jasen and it was an epiphany for me. It was when I was spending every single day with him and not putting any of my energy towards family and friends. One thing you said completely changed my outlook. I was like wow this girl is my best friend and one of the most important things in my life besides my family. It makes me realize how important friends are. A friend told me when you are older and have your career you will be able to count the true friends that you have on the palm of your hand, and that is so true. And people need to be more okay with." -KT

After talking to KT I realize it's not black and white. It doesn't have to be that way. While I'm realizing I can't be and don't want to be super woman and do it all, I want to make choices to have certain things in my life and invest the energy towards those things. At the same time, the friends that are truly my friends will completely support me in those decisions and be there for me all along and there is no reason to waste all the energy I've already invested into their lives and they into mine. For my part, I have to be honest with them, and with myself, that if I am honest with them and they choose not to be there that I am okay with that, and have to take that chance so that the friends who are truly my friends have the opportunity to continue to be there alongside of me as they want to be, whether I have energy to go out with them or not.

"By the way you've done an excellent job evaluating - sometimes you have to evaluate things in black and white. I've been texting you more because I realize you've needed that time to evaluate. Because only you know what's best for you. Your real friends are going to support you throughout your decisions, when you need to take on the opinion of yourself. Sometimes their opinion isn't needed so that you can take on your own. Doesn't mean you have to completely rib the opinions of others out of your life completely, and not take the advice of others. But there are times that you need to just take the advice of you and yourself . The rewards you get from that are more rewarding than anything else and the epiphanies you get from that self-evaluation are more important than any other advice you can get from any else, not that the opinions from others aren't important on what to do, but it's easier to get opinions from others than do the self-evaluation and find and follow your own opinion." -KT

One of the most rewarding conversations I have ever had with KT was just now when I told her I prayed for Brando before I knew him. That was a hard conversation for me to have with her, because she does not believe in God. But I do. I told her I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately and that I pray to God because I believe he is the only One. One of the Bible verses I grew up with was, "God will give you the desires of your heart." and time and time again I come back to that in prayer. I told her one of the important things about prayer that I've been realizing is that it clarifies our desires so when they confront us we recognize them and can make the choice to accept them and do what we need to do to have them in our lives. After I had Justinbustin, I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember, because I couldn't handle him growing up without a father and then having some guy come into his life and be like, oh, hey, by the way, this is your Dad. I couldn't handle that and so I prayed that God would give Justinbustin a father before he was old enough to remember. And when Brando came along, I realized it. I realized he was the right one. He respected his mother, his mother respected his father, his mother called herself grandmother to Justinbustin before Brando and I had even been dating a week. I realized he was the one and I did what I had to do to make it happen. I told her I wasn't in love with him when I married him. I wasn't in love with him until almost two years later. Now I am head over heels butterfly in my stomach takes my breath away in love with him. But that's TEN YEARS LATER. The day I married him I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "R o s e, what are you doing?" I realized I wasn't in love with him, but I also realized he was the right man for me and I made the choice to marry him for that reason. My word, I could not have imagined the benefits that came from that decision.

After all I've said in this post, I realize I need to spend some time in prayer right now for the desires of my heart. I desire to have that something personal where we invest our time into together, to build a company with Brando where we can work together to support our family, where family time is priority, yet we have the gumption and the determination to realize that in order to have family time as priority we have to work together and no amount of arguing and clawing at each other's throats will get us there. Only communication, realization, learning, soaking in wise counsel, and working towards that goal together.

To My In-Town Girls

Sent February 10, 2011

Hi girls,

Because I'm sick and tired about lamenting about my physical inabilities lately, I thought I'd send you an email rather than a phone conversation where I pretend nothing is wrong because I don't want to whine about myself again.

Monday morning I got up after a phone conversation and couldn't stand up straight due to lower back pain. I don't know why. The only things I can think of are my recent ventures into rock climbing and then shoving a dresser around by myself on Saturday, perhaps it could've been several phone conversations with stressful news where I absolutely didn't watch my posture. The only time I've ever had lower back pain is when I was pregnant with Shawnes, and I am not pregnant. No matter.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday to do what FINALLY healed my back after a month of pain when I injured it working out two years ago. So hopefully I am spearheading the pain this time and won't be out of commission for a month like last time. Regardless, I've definitely been out of commission this week and am SO PISSED because one of my very closest friends is going away in a few days for a while, and another friend is moving in a few months, so my time with them? Non-existent at this point. Not to mention even less time with other girlfriends.

Last week, I took a self-imposed need to make sure life is in order time. Since then, I feel like it's being forced upon me - first with the snow day, then Justinbustin being sick, and now my back, and I am none too happy about it.

I hope you all can forgive me for not being available this week like I so wanted to be. Promise this will be the only whine email you will hear - all from the comfiness of my bed (which, by the way, did you know comfiness can get annoying?). Feel free to send chocolate, flowers, and hugs my way :) . In the meantime, I hope you'll forgive me as I have nothing to give right now.

xo

Update sent February 16, 2011

Hi girls,

While I wrote this email to Jae last night after I neglected to get back to her when she offered to bring us dinner last Sunday and then sent another email to check up on me, and so it's written as if to her and may be a little confusing, but I thought you'd appreciate the update as well.

The weekend went well and I was on my way to recovery. Then, on Monday, the boys had Valentine's parties. I normally always go to their parties and help out if I can, and thought I was doing well enough to do so this time. Only I ended up helping out with Shawner's for two hours, bending over the whole time. Still, I convinced myself that I would be fine. Not so this morning. I realized today that Brandon took care of me over the weekend which was why I was on my way to recovering. I don't take very good care of myself I'm realizing, tending to overdo it way too soon.

I am definitely feeling cooped up. I had a few good sobs today, and am sure there will be more tomorrow. I really, really dislike feeling this way. On top of that, the meds continue to make me loopy and are starting to break me out worse than I've ever seen.

But! I am trying to keep my head up. KT brought me chocolate and flowers on Saturday - actually we ended up running into her at the massage place on total accident and she had them in her car, about to bring them over to me. Brando had set up the massage in the first place, so both of those were heartening, as well as your email, and Li had offered to bring me chocolate martinis on Friday (I skipped girls night last week, and will this week as well as we changed the day for Valentine's Day) - though I declined as I don't think alcohol and what I'm taking would do well). On Sunday, I was able to say goodbye in person to my friend who is leaving for a month, and am grateful to have seen her before she left. I've been on facebook a bit, and chatted with one other friend.

The thing about stress like this is it can make all other problems seem way bigger, and that is what is happening today. Difficulties with Justinbustin at school, Brando's work, careless things at home the kids forgot to do, even just managing dinner and groceries - which is why, I just realized, I definitely should've taken you up on your offer! Brando and I are at each other's throats again tonight, which doesn't help matters, but the matters don't help it either, so it's just more stress.

As an upate to this email from last night, I am trying to be good about taking everything way easy and take care of myself as if Brando were taking care of me, even when he's not here. I took Advil a few hours ago, so I'm not really sure if I feel good or I just can't feel most of it. Any way, I will continue taking what I'm supposed to take until everything stops hurting. I haven't broke down in tears yet today, so that's a plus!

The drama continues

*Monday I got up from a phone conversation and couldn't stand up straight. It's Wednesday and I'm still on the bed. This afternoon though will be pain killers, muscle relaxants, and getting up and walking around so my body doesn't give out on me.

*Tuesday found out soap opera drama regarding my sister's two closest friends. Thank goodness my sister was smart enough to back off from one of the friend's a time ago and wasn't involved. Also, I *think* I finally started my period. Could be a miscarriage. Waiting on the results of the bloodwork pregnancy test. Went into the doctors and was prescribed the aforementioned pain killers and muscle relaxants. Normally, I don't take prescriptions - I'll pick them up *in case* but then will do my best naturally. I've learned with my back to take the darn prescriptions and save the month of misery. That, and get a massage. Those things are so much moolah though I usually wait until Brando makes the appointment because I can't justify the money.

*Wednesday I'm still in bed. Didn't take anything last night in case I'm pregnant and spent a miserable night all night. This morning I can stand up better but ALL my back muscles are sore. My childhood BF's brother went into code blue again. They put in a pacemaker if his heart stops again. He still can't breathe on his own. It's snowing in Austin. Again. Here's to hoping the drama slows down this week.