Go Me

Pretty proud of myself for writing this letter to Brando angry yet being totally constructive. Prior to this I had sent him another email detailing the events of my day (see post below). The all caps in the very beginning is because I had just spoke with him on the phone and we had gotten angry with each other and hung up.

Subject: What I want

AS I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE, I want to help us eat healthier. I want to pack the boys' lunches every week. I want to shop and cook for four good sized meals each Tuesday night. I want to decorate our home to have something I feel is worth keeping pretty every day. I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS. But I don't feel like I can do them with you. When I focus even a little on those things you act like I am doing something for the first time in my life and I DESPISE that feeling. That feeling makes my skin crawl. When I have that to look forward to instead of your support, help in other areas, ideas, guidance, and appreciation, it makes it an almost insurmountable goal.

With not doing school this next semester, I would like to focus on these things more. However, I REFUSE TO DO SO if all I am going to get (besides eating healthy and having a pretty house) is complaints about 1) how much I am spending, 2) how much I didn't do before, and 3) how perfect I am now that I am doing these things.

You have DIFFERENT FOCUSES AND GOALS THAN ME. It is important to you to make money, be the breadwinner, have a hobby that you can invest in be it photography, organizing our budget, watching specific tv shows, or leading cub scouts. It is important to me to continually grow, raise the boys in the way that they should go, support you, feed the boys healthy and teach them to eat healthy through doing so, enjoy life and new experiences with you, the boys, and myself. THESE are my goals. NOT making the house pretty. Your goal is NOT to make as much money as you can, and if I were to put that pressure on you and ONLY appreciate you when you did so, that would be unfair of me. You are putting pressure on me to ONLY make the house pretty, and that is unfair of YOU.

You're right, we are not other couples. We are US. And it is time for us to ACCEPT that, own business, beautiful house, high income, house perfect every day, or no. It is time for us to appreciate us for who we ARE and work TOGETHER towards what we WANT to be, not AGAINST each other. It is time for us to stop holding the past against each other. You are the man I met TODAY, the one that I blogged about who is amazing with kids and adorable sitting at a table playing games with them in order to stay connected to his kids' lives and be there for his son at his youngest son's request, the man who requested to be in another classroom contrary to his schedule just so he could be with his older son who didn't express the desire for him to be but who he cares enough about to be there anyway, the man who came home and immediately cleaned out the garage's stinky poop in an amazingly quick manner, the man who immediately figures out how to run errands, make sure our mortgage is paid, and does them with amazing initiative. I am the woman you met TODAY, the one who packed lunches for 45 minutes, studied for an exam that she had amazing notes whilst doing previously emailed list, took said exam, kicked it's booty amazingly, treated her arm condition holistically, said hi to a friend she hasn't seen in months for five minutes because she is an awesome amazing friend who would go thirty minutes out of the way to be there just to give a hug to someone she cares about, went to the boys school to do a weekly event of Wednesday folders and talk to the teachers to stay involved and connected in our boys' lives outside of our home, and came home to do the list I just emailed you on top of writing these two emails, and researching what a reasonable monthly budget amount might be. I am THAT woman, and you are THAT man.

It is time for us to accept and expect who we are NOW. Because we are pretty awesome. And we could do so much TOGETHER.

*end of email*

His response? You're amazing.

What I DO

Said with emphasis to prove a point in an email to Brando. Fortunately, I followed it up with a constructive email (see next post).

As a disclaimer, I do have to say, this is an old argument - one we don't visit every day, or even every six months these days. As you will see in my follow up email we are completely different people today than at the time this issue sent us to counseling four years ago. However, I've discovered one of the difficult things of keeping a marriage alive and fresh, is there are these old arguments, feelings, and resentments that are hard to let go of. I believe one of the keys to being married and continuing to love each other every day and continuing to fall in love is being able to, or at the very least working on, letting go and seeing each other in a fresh new light every day - as if you had met each other that very day. This is us letting go.

Subject: Typical Day

Here is the NOTHING that I do in a typical day:

Wake up
Figure out kids' lunch - be it spend 45 minutes making it like I did this morning for YOU and the boys or figure out how to get $ in the kids lunch account so it's not overdrawn
Make sure the dogs are taken care of and in their places
Make sure the lights are off in the house
Make sure any paperwork the boys need to have at school they have with them
Make sure agendas are signed and homework is completed
Go to class
If I don't go to class, research various things for my own intellectual stimulation and assistance for the family
Figure out lunch for myself
Run any errands I need to, which is usually none, because I don't have the budget
Wait in line for the boys
Pick up the boys
Make sure before we leave the school that they have jackets, lunchboxes, hats, agendas, homework, and guided reading
Talk to the boys about 3 interesting things each about their day
Make sure and use this time as a teachable moment to teach them about handling a situation if they bring up a frustrating or confusing situation
Make sure and use this time to praise them if they bring up a moment where they made a wise choice
Prep them for doing chores by reminding them to wash their hands first, take care of the dogs, eat a snack, do their homework, then do command central
Get home and assure they wash their hands
Fall onto the bed in exhaustion from the intense conversation and attention required on my part for the last fifteen-twenty minutes
Continue to relax while undertaking the exhausting task of ensuring they get along and complete their chores to your satisfaction
Help with homework
Make sure they ate snack
Make sure they took of dogs
Make sure they did their chores
Fill out any paperwork necessary for items needed at school, field trips, after school clubs, emails to teachers, etc.
Allow them to play when they've finished
Supervise play time and mediate arguments

THIS IS MY DAY EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN DAY.

Not to mention the extras I do often - I do a little bit of THESE EVERY SINGLE DAY:

Study for various tests and exams
Write papers and speeches for various classes
Research better ways to do things
Write to externalize and sort out my feelings so I don't bottle them up and explode on you
Contact the outside world of adulthood through coordinating one weekly coffee, one weekly girls night
Speak to my sister to maintain relationships
Organize, inspire, and think out family trips
Organize, inspire and think out weekly dates with you
Organize, inspire, and think out extracurricular activities for the boys
Meet deadlines to register the boys for sports
Take boys to weekly sport practices
Make sure there are no schedule conflicts for weekly boys games
Make sure Justinbustin is well connected in the youth group and available for volunteering, youth group, and extracurricular activities for youth group
Make sure Justinbustin is available for boy scouts
Make sure Justinbustin's boy scout achievements are recorded properly via him and the leaders of the group
Research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping Shawners to discover his passion, including considering a degree in zoology in order to further understand and be able to assist him in refining his passion
Research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping Justinbustin to further his passion, including beating myself up for not enrolling him in robot club, considering finding an architect or engineer to have him intern with, encouraging his newspaper involvement, website devopment, and quest involvement
Currently and recently, research and fully invest every bone in my body in helping you to realize your passion, including considering what I can do to help you feel supported, thinking of new paths for you to take, considering family upheaval and moving, and encouraging you to go beyond what you think you can do and do what I believe you can do

Additional things I do in order to survive at home on a weekly, semi-weekly, or monthly basis, which is the least of my worries:
Keep the showers from being disgusting
Keep the toilets from being disgusting
Keep the floors from being disgusting
Declutter the random crap that gets thrown in corners on a semi-weekly basis
Declutter the refrigerator
Make sure the boys room does not get disgusting
Keep the living room relatively clutter free
Encourage the boys NOT to play video games or be on the computer

These are ONLY the things off the top of my head, not to mention the many things I am SURE I am forgetting. Tell me, fucking tell me PLEASE where in that job description that it says DO NOTHING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

IF I WERE EVER EVER EVER going to keep the house immaculate AGAIN it would be because you are either taking some of those things over or FULLY SUPPORTING me in doing each and every one of them with the house being the lowest priority, i.e. coming home seeing the house a mess and saying WOW YOU MUST HAVE DONE A LOT TODAY, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT ALL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED. Don't come home and see a mess and ASSUME I HAVE DONE NOTHING. THAT IS AN ASSHOLE JERK RESPONSE. You often lament that you don't have time to do ANYthing because I won't let you relax and do anything when you get home. HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ANYTHING THAT TICKLES YOUR PICKLE when you don't even RECOGNIZE and APPRECIATE the things I do and WHO I AM.

Think about it.

Cut Justinb's Hair today

Justinb has had long hair since way too long ago when Brando's Mom took him to get his haircut and let him have it long to look cool. Since then it's been in their face, they're constantly swishing it out of their faces, and it's been long and sweaty. I just discovered it was tangly, too, as I combed it out before I cut it. Justinb had a complete meltdown as I cut his bangs out of his eyes as I expected he would. Which is why I have avoided taking him to get a haircut or cutting it at home - to avoid the meltdown. I finally decided I would rather deal with the meltdown at home rather than at the salon and cut his bangs myself. After melting down he came back to me a few minutes later saying, "I look ridiculous." I agreed, and let him know that had he not cried and moved his head he would look less ridiculous, like his brother, whose bangs I also cut and could still sweep to the side. He came to me a few minutes later and asked me to cut the rest short and had a great attitude the whole time, saying it looked better (not better than the long hair, just better with the bangs I cut). So, is it weird I feel like I picked a battle with him and won? It was like taking control over his hair instead of letting looking cool be the priority put things in perspective for him.

Another Emotional Week

My emotions have been like a roller coaster lately. Up, down, all around, I never know where they are going. It's about time to start again I imagine.

Adding more pressure is our trip coming up. So excited, nervous, scared, stressed, not sure what to think. We talked about taking this trip back in January. But with my brain fried from the full time semester I didn't have the strength or energy to conjure up a new trip so when Brando suggested the place we went last year I wearily said yes and went forward with it.

Now as the trip is getting closer, crazy me thinks we are wasting our time going to a place we've already been. Yes, that's my irrational thinking. I'd rather be taking a road trip up and down California's coast, staying in a cabin in Lake Tahoe and skiing, or going to France to visit Brando's friends. But I did not have the energy to plan any of those, and so here we are going to a place we've already been.

On the bright side, thanks to my fabulous girlfriends who inspired me to experience the trip on a deeper level, rather than just a surface level of every single thing like we did last time, girlfriends that bring Prosecco, yogurt covered pretzels, and trail mix to help me pack, and a hubby that makes us brownies while said girlfriend and I are packing, I'm getting a little excited.

My mother-in-law also had some wise advice for me today. I wish it would soak in more, though. She said I create my own stress by getting overwhelmed about every little thing I have to do before we go. Which I do. For the record, the list this time around was buy makeup, get a haircut, have a facial (which is not happening), do my nails (already did), pack, give the boys haircuts (also not happening) and have the house clean. Unfortunately my mother always freaked out about having the house clean before leaving on a trip and I'm afraid I've inherited that trait.

Not to mention feeling like I have to have every. single. thing. in. order. before I go. This time having the dogs bathed, the overdue yard landscaped, the dryer fixed, and the house cleaned counts for having every single thing in order. Of which I only have the house cleaned. But, as my mother-in-law put it, having the house cleaned was my gift to myself. And I love feeling like I have nothing to do tonight after arriving home to a clean house.

Through all of this I am slowly getting more excited, yet more nervous at the same time.

Sux

He makes me feel like I always complain.

I don't.

I loved the apartments.

I hate this house.

I love having a purpose.

I hate having too much downtime.

These are things I can fix, but not with out his "permission" so to speak. I have to be a stay at home mom while he's working 40 hours a week and we have no family support to watch the kids. I have to be in this house while we wait for it to rent out. I'm not complaining. I hate it. And I can't wait for it to change.

Comment turned post... (or email!)

Left this on ...lovemaegan's most recent post and thought I would post it here since it says exactly where I'm at:

I'm so glad to have discovered you during this time. Reading about your anxiety and thoughts makes me feel better about mine. Anxiety is such a crazy thing that I can't seem to pull myself away from except thru depression which I also hate! But hearing somebody else deal with it, especially someone who is so creative, reminds me I will be okay. We all will. We just have to get through and make sure and do what our heart desires. For you, that's getting into a house. For me, it's getting out of one. I can't WAIT to get out of our house and back into the city and the community of our old apartments. And back to the amazing school my boys went to. Long comment to say I love reading your thoughts while I'm going through the same thing, different version.

I love...

being able to explain to my children that z + z equals 2z and that pie is a number that keeps on going and never repeats, and that e stands for the number that best represents exponential growth.

While driving around looking at Christmas lights tonight (we forgot to do it before Christmas), Starbucks hot chocolates and vanilla lattes in hand, the boys were creating a code for the alphabet where each letter represents it's number in the order of the alphabet. A letter plus a letter equals a letter unless it is over 26, then you minus 26 and it equals the resulting number. Well, that sounds all fine and dandy, but we had to pull the rules out of our ten year old tooth and nail who was trying to explain that a + b = c but z + z = z . It was a half hour of conversation and fun including the aforementioned subjects along with it.

Those of you whose parents granted you the gift of education, be grateful that when your kids come to you with questions for homework you will have a vague sense of what they are talking about. When you haven't taken it (even if you slept through or missed class, you still had to cram and take the tests), you aren't even afforded the possibility of a vague idea. I LOVE having a vague idea, even a very solid idea, even with it being from going to school now.

Depression

I fight depression way more often than I'd like to admit. It often hits me the worst in times of high stress or when I feel like I have no purpose.

Take this morning for example. The boys are off from school and happily playing. I am off from school and so not stressed. Yet, last week, when I discovered we have $600 in toll tag fees I freaked out and immediately stopped spending any sort of money. Now I feel like there's no purpose.

One thing I have been trying to do to give myself a purpose is research transferring to a university. The amount of information available is so overwhelming I often have to stop shortly into it. I am bit by bit comprehending the information, though, and now just need to wait until the schools open again to meet with an advisor. In the meantime I am overwhelmed by the amount of information and feel like it will never get done.

And so here I sit. In pj's. Contemplating it never getting done. And not calling a friend who I told I would call this morning. Mostly because I don't know what we can do to hang out together that doesn't involve money.

Whew. Now I remember why I started blogging in the first place. It helps so much to get that all out on paper somewhere where it doesn't stay hidden in a file. I'm off to shower and get dressed.

After Outlines, Breakfasts, Girlfriends, and Shopping...

then the kids got out of school for winter break. I spent the first day realizing I couldn't go shopping and couldn't even go out to my sister's because we had no money. And no I didn't blow it all the week before which Brando first tried to convince me I did. Both my Mom and his Mom helped us out with Christmas money for shopping. Well the money my Mom gave, Brando designated for his $400 Santa gifts, and the money his Mom gave, he designated for our budget. Guess what he forgot to give? Our budget. I was busy spending our budget AND our Christmas money with only the Christmas money so of course it ran out very quickly. After getting over the guilt trip he gave me for being so irresponsible, I wrote down where it all went and figured out exactly that. After which I went to my Mom and asked for her help "under the table" so to speak. Somewhere Brando won't see it. And I can actually use it for budget and Christmas shopping like it's supposed to be for, and save some for backup. I used to be so good with money. I hate that with our money mixed up I'm not anymore. But that's okay. I do what I can and make do and learn as I go.