My day was exHAUSting, so I just need to record it here to make myself feel better

*Drop off Shawners at school
*Drop off Justinbustin at school
*Stop by Starbucks and bring Brando and I home an iced chai tea latte and a pumpkin spice latte
*Send Brando off to work
*Spoke with the robotics coach on the phone, took notes, and sent out email
*Spoke on the phone with a t-shirt company for half an hour who may make our robotics t-shirts
*Spoke on the phone for an hour and a half with another robotics coach and ended up hearing her out and counseling her on her sixth grade daughter (such long conversations exhaust me these days)
*Made a work phone call to reschedule an appointment which involved three back and forth calls between the related parties
*Realize I had been trying to skip this week and the boys' do not indeed have early release like I thought today as it is next week
*Feel totally thrown off for my day and realize I can indeed meet with Mai today
*Call Mai to tell her the change of my day and create plans
*Load up tons of things to send home into Shawner's classes' Wednesday folders at his school
*Help a fourth grader back to the cafeteria to eat lunch after looking for his missing lunch in the middle of the folders
*Find his missing lunch after I'd escorted him back which I then brought down to him
*Drove down south to meet one of my besties, Mai, who's in town for a few days
*Had lunch at Torchy's and frozen hot chocolate at Holy Cacao with Mai - a fantastic part of my day!
*Got a work call during lunch and tried my hardest not to be irritated
*Rushed back to Mai's house to help condense her suitcase for her two month tour in Europe she's going on tomorrow
*Rushed back up north to pick up Shawners from school
*Came home and made a few more work calls to sort out the situation at lunch
*Made other work calls and notes to create emails later
*Created an agenda for the robotics meeting
*Rushed back out the door to stop by HEB to pick up snacks and awards for the robotics meeting
*Attended the robotics meeting and nearly chucked my work phone at these crazy kids when my phone started having the person calling talk to me instead of ring
*Handed out awards for core values
*Tried to hold it together while listening to these kids rehearse their presentation skit and somehow manage to cut themselves on an aluminum can and bruise an elbow
*Approve a design for the t-shirts by the team
*Reschedule a staggered robotics meeting for this Saturday
*Return the work call I got during the meeting
*Come home and draft a robotics email addressing the t-shirts and rescheduled meeting, after calling each team member and making sure each was okay with the cost and changes
*Field phone calls from Brando on his way home from work three times
*Addressed the problem of being on-call 24/7 for work and it needing to not happen
*Found out there's a possibility I could get paid for it to happen which I could get on board with
*Arrange for a friend to pick up Justinbustin for youth group
*Review Justinbustin's grades with him online to talk about three of the classes that need work and have him be aware
*Make sure Justinbustin eats dinner before he heads off
*Sign homework for Justinbustin
*Send Justinbustin off to youth group with said friend
*Draft a work phone and voicemail script and thank you email
*Have Shawners cancel his tumbling class as he isn't feeling well
*Finally eat dinner
*Realize I need to respond to a work call while writing this post and do
*Collapse... somewhere
*Oh, wait, I have to go pick up Justinbustin from youth group
*I'll sleep later

*(all without a smart phone because that would have made my day @#$%loads easier - oh, smart phone, I'm coming back again soon, don't you worry)

I sound like I'm self-employed and it sure feels like it!

And now my parents are moving. Holy Jesus, please hold me.

Fortunately, they are not moving because they have to. They are moving because their landlord mentioned raising the rent again (he's mentioned it a few times before, but usually hasn't done it), and thought he's willing to work with them and not raise it again, they've decided to move on. They're going to buy a motorhome and live in a motorhome. They'll still have their office in Santa Cruz, but for now will have a motorhome spot in Gilroy as the lots in Santa Cruz were too close together. I'm guessing they will still have their other two RVs they have now, but not positive.

I always remember my Grandparent's living in a motorhome as I grew up. Grandma and Grandpa's house would always come to our house. My Grandma owned her motorhome til' a few years ago - now she lives in Arizona for the winter and Washington for the summer.

I am SO nervous because I told my Mom we would like to come live there for a year next year. She says, we should keep the house then, which I WANT them to do. But I can't decide what's best for them. And we are so fickle on our decisions - who knows if we will move there in a year. Regardless, we wouldn't be living with them this time. We'd rent our own place.

Still. My heart stops thinking we won't have that house by the harbor anymore with the grassy backyard overlooking the boats, just a short walk to Crow's Nest and Aldo's. My heart literally freaking STOPS.

How the hell did I come up with both Brando's Mom and my parents moving in one year? Did one beget the other? Maybe Brando's Mom moved so I would be okay with my parents moving. My heart literally does not know what to do right now. The emotion of this definitely won't hit me until the next time we go to Santa Cruz and can't go to the house by the harbor.

I don't even know where Brando and I will stay anymore. Last time, we stayed with my parent's while the kids stayed with Brando's Mom. I guess this time we will all stay with Brando's Mom. I'm not prepared for that. LOVE her new house, but she sold all the guest bedroom furniture and the guest room in her new house adopted all her old, dark wood furniture. We stayed there a few night's the last time and it was okay, but I am not cool staying there for a long time.

Am I selfish that this is the majority thoughts running through my head right now? Maybe, but it's my home and immediately what my mind jumps to - when we're there.

Indecision

I really dislike when I get paralyzed by indecision. This weekend is full of indecision.

*Which hotel to stay at - the Westin (which has the heavenly bed, is close to our event on Sunday, and has an included breakfast buffet) or the Renaissance (which we know and love, has an indoor pool, and a heavenly sauna)

*Whether to send my boys camping with their cousin or not - Justinbustin ended up going with his friend Tebo, and I convinced Shawners to stay, thank goodness. My nephew is awesome, but a guy in his young twenties himself and last time he watched the boys they pulled out the air soft guns out of our closet and played them without permission!! I did talk to my nephew about being extra aware that they are kids and need to be guided with the decisions they make, and I talked to their babysitter who is going along with them and asked her to keep an extra eye on them,.

*Whether to stay at a hotel at all. For the same amount of money we could go jet skiing! But that wouldn't be fantastic for my back, and we wouldn't get a night away.

Seemingly stupid stuff, like:

*How to get Justinbustin from camping Saturday night to church to volunteer with the kids' ministry Sunday morning

*Whether to encourage Justinbustin's relationship with Tebo by allowing Justinbustin to hang out with him, whose parents are European and very 'free' with their lifestyle, even though Tebo seems like a great kid he already has had a ton of girlfriends at this age - although to be fair Tebo is leaving for Paris for five weeks next Wednesday so Justinbustin won't be hanging out with him half the summer

*Whether I really want Shawners to go camping tomorrow night. He can get scared at night, and he hangs all over his cousin, which is inappropriate at his age and kinda annoying (he seems to do it because his cousin doesn't care, but I do care, and I don't want him doing it - totally remind myself of my parents right now tell my kids to stop hanging on their babysitter)

*Whether we'll have fun at the wine and music festival Sunday since we don't even drink wine!!! They have beer, too, but we don't drink beer either!! Brando has a really nasty reaction to beer (maybe cause of the wheat?) and I get a headache just like with wine. Good thing Chipotle and their margaritas are across the street (altho Brando reacts a little to those, too - I certainly don't :) ! Not yet, any way, and it better darn well stay that way! I try not to od on them so it does)

*How much to work on this wedding without ignoring the business Brando and I are starting, PSD that I've been working on pretty intensely lately, and my family besides.

*And this has nothing to do with anything going on this weekend - but in general whether to start yoga or not! I'm working on putting my body first physically (I went to the spa this weekend, and the minute my foot started hurting on Wednesday I made an acupuncture appointment and chiropractor appointment for the next morning - no more putting up with pain 'expecting' it to go away!), but exercise is the one thing I haven't ever given priority to - it's always just come along with having little ones, but I don't have little ones any more and it needs to be a priority. I don't want to spend the yoga for money, and that's the part I need to get over and put my body first physically!

Deep, Dark Place and Silver Linings

I just spent the last fifteen minutes sobbing into my pillow like I did when I found out I was pregnant, and when I found out the guy didn't actually love me.

A simple, stupid thing was the straw on the camel's back that sent me spiraling down. The boys woke up this morning and asked if they could watch a movie on netflix through the tv. Brando said no. I told Brando I usually let them if they have everything done. So Brando said, "If you have everything done, then go ahead." Shawners had everything done like the organized little boy he is, but of course Justinbustin didn't. So when I got up to take them to school I asked Justinbustin if he'd brushed his teeth and he said, "Yes, well, yes. No." So then I harped on him for lying and the morning went downhill from there. He brushed his teeth, but then we were about to be late to drop them off for school, and sped out the door while he forgot his poster that's due today. It was actually due a week ago but he got an extension because of our trip. We are in the midst of trying to make sure he makes his own choices this week with school work and keeping track of everything and now I feel like I've let him down by taking him back home to get his poster.

It went way too far down from there and I got stuck in the guilty spiral that led me to lashing out at him, at Brando, at myself, which all led to the sobs. This on top of the pain I'm STILL feeling in my back and my arm. Today I feel like I just want to take muscle relaxants and sleep and not feel the pain for once. Of course, I'm not going to. I hate putting drugs in my body. But in the meantime my body is tense and stressed because I am sick of feeling the pain. At this point I don't know if I am in as much pain as I used to be in and I'm just working through it because the chiro tells me it's okay pain, or I'm just sore and this will get better. I don't know, and it overwhelms me.

And I'm worried I'm doing Justinbustin wrong by being so hard on him about academia. Academia is stupid if you don't have morals and character. His biological father was brilliant, and a genius. But he had no character, and therefore he has no impact, he is nothing. I'm worried I'm not building Justinbustin's character by coming down hard on him about schoolwork. At the same time, his teacher rated him 'poor' for taking responsibility for his own decisions on Monday, so I wonder if I make too many excuses for him out of fear that he will become what I despised about his biological. I wonder if I perpetuate the problem by taking responsibility myself for anything he does wrong instead of just letting him learn from his mistakes.

I'm on the fence and don't know which side to jump to. I feel like one side has angry pit bulls and the other side has angry Dobermans. I don't know which side is the wise choice.

I want him to take responsibility for his own choices, but I DON'T want him to think schoolwork is important above all else. A family is important above all else, and that's it. Nothing else. His poster he forgot today was for a project where he helped a family out this weekend by moving rocks and piles of dirt to create a water barrier for the mother's bedroom because it got flooded in the tropical storm we had last year. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom because the room flooded from water which got trapped underneath and the resulting mold was making her sick. So Justinbustin helped move dirt and rocks to finish up a previous group volunteer effort to protect the area when rains come again so that the room didn't flood again. I AM SO EFFEN PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT. These are the things that matter. Not his stupid teacher saying he doesn't take responsibility for his decisions. He takes responsibility for that. Okay, I am going to lunch with him today and telling him these things. And apologizing again for the awful thing I said to him this morning.

So I remember I need to remember the silver linings to all this. And I sobbed thinking of having to deal with the pain, these tough decisions, the aftermath whatever it is and will be, and all the while remember the silver linings.

The silver linings of my back: my arm is better!! After months of occupational therapy that fortunately didn't cost me hundreds of dollars unfortunately like this chiropractor is costing me, but also didn't work, my arm is better after seeing the chiropractor FINALLY. I didn't ever think life was going to feel semi-normal again with my arm, and now it has.

The silver linings of going through this growing pains with Justinbustin: Middle school *crossing fingers* should be easier if we can get this figured out in fifth grade. Just please God don't let me sabotage the process as long as it will build his character.

The silver linings of feeling like I'm constantly in pain: maybe the end is in sight? It's always so difficult and new in the beginning of everything and there's a very big push that has to happen to get through it, but it seems like the same thing happens in the end as well and you have to push through it. Maybe I have to push through this.

The silver lining of my arm: I stopped wasting time volunteering when I needed to be volunteering for my own family and for our own business.

Another silver lining of my back: In addition to my arm, when my back happened on top of it all, I realized I needed to stop wasting so much time with friends and invest that time with my family and our business. I say wasting time, but really, I just mean I'm learning, as my chiro says, "the power of no". I had to learn the power of no when I started hanging out with girlfriends - telling Brando no, and myself no to hanging out so much with him and saying yes to hanging out with girlfriends. Brando didn't care, but I did. And I reaped the rewards a hundredfold. Now, I have to learn the power of saying no to hanging out with girlfriends, and saying yes to hanging out with Brando and investing in our family and our business. Crossing fingers I reap the rewards of that as well.

Another silver lining of my back: I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. My abs are rock hard, and I've been running for the first time in my life. I don't know if I'm just working through the pain and it's really still the same or if I'm just sore from everything I've been doing and it's pain I'll get better from, but, regardless, I've never been in such good shape. It feels awesome, and I look awesome in the mirror.

The silver linings of going through this deep, dark place: I have all these realizations as a result. I have a thought of going to lunch with first Justinbustin, then Shawners, and making things right. I came up with a way to move forward from this deep, dark place, and with my day. This is something I usually am not able to do right away when this starts. I allowed myself to sob this morning, and put a pillow over me so that the neighbors didn't hear it, and that was cleansing as I thought through all these thoughts and came here to let them rest on paper so I can move forward to this day, and from this place.

FB Status

Got asked if I was Justinbustin's sister yesterday before Shawner's game, then told I didn't look a day over 18 and don't look like I could have any kids, much less one as big as Justinbustin. I told her thanks, I'm turning 30 this year so I totally appreciated she said that. Secretly inside I did one of those fist pulls you do when you're winning and said YES. The person even asked the guy behind me in line, "Seriously, doesn't she look 18?" I didn't turn around to see what he looked like, but I did hear him go, "Yup." as I walked out. Thanks, random person, for making my day.

Brando and I also got told we looked 18 and not old enough to have kids when we were in line at the security gate at the airport. That was the best wait in line at a security gate ever - the TSA agents kept coming up to the kids and chatting with them and giving them stickers, and the guy who said we didn't look 18 totally entertained the kids and chatted with us the whole time about his life in the Navy seals. Totally put a smile on my face.

I did it

Thanks to my chiro's suggestion to "do the hardest thing first" after I bawled my eyes out in front of him from stress of not wanting to deal with telling the girls' I don't want to do girls' night tonight and the strain my body is taking on itself as a result, I finally put it out there to the girls that I'm reclaiming my Monday nights for myself, my hubs, our boys, and our business, and not doing girls' night for awhile. Seriously, this guy is a catch, and pretty sure he's not married, so, Teagan, if you're reading this and want to come to Austin, I have somebody you need to talk to.

My email to Li to let her know:

So.... knowing you and knowing how well you know me, I'm sure you saw this coming. I won't be attending girls' night for the near future. My life has changed dramatically the last year and having these back issues shoved it in my face. Brando and I are wanting to get off the fence so to speak, and start a business. As well as I woke up one day and realized I have a middle schooler that's gone two nights out of the week, volunteering or gone camping on the weekend more often than not, and loaded with homework most afternoons. With Brando's new position having him work twelve hour days, there's not much time for all that we want to accomplish in addition to quality time together by ourselves, together with our boys, and with each boy separately. So I'm taking my Monday nights back. For now. I hope I'll be welcome if that situation changes : ) . I hope things have been going well for you guys on girls night. I've so been wanting to get together and talk to you face to face about it, but that hasn't happened. Let's make it happen soon?

Her reply to me:

omg yes! apparently i need to stop by and just listen to you talk about what the hecks been happening in your life!! what day and time-ish this wk works for you and i'll MAKE it work for me? :) love you miss you!!

and no, girls nights def not the same without our psd. we all miss you and don't feel our circles complete, but of course, we understand. :)

UGH Head Exploding

More confession time.

One of the benefits (drawbacks?) of being married to an AMAZING man for eleven years, especially one that pays all the bills, is I don't have to pay the bills. So when I pick up the bills today and try to knock out some of those pesky ones - toll tags, medical bills, now our HSA account card asking for receipt confirmation (I swear, they can't ever make something easy without making it hard on the back end), closing checking accounts that have now decided to arbitrarily charge a fee, my head feels like it's about to explode. I am SO glad he takes care of this stuff, but at the same time, shouldn't I be able to pay a bill or two without feeling like I'm going to lose it?

Eat, Pray, Love, Live

After reading several blog posts about the audacity of Elizabeth Gilbert to write a book about her selfish journey through life, I finally had to sit down and put my thoughts together into a post - instead of leaving it in one horrendously long comment. Disclaimer: not that I don't respect the opinions of those who posted it, and Samira just set off my thought train on it. Her, her family, and her blog are amazing- even when you love Eat, Pray, Love like I do :) .

I personally am a HUGE fan of Eat, Pray, Love - the book and the movie. I've also read her second book, Committed. I've also read a book called Halfway to Each Other - a woman who takes her family on her journey to find herself. I've seen women who try to find themselves over and over again by getting out of a marriage to not want to understand how they end up finding themselves and figure out how to do that IN my marriage, not out of it. I read everything with a grain of salt, and that book more so than others, but at the same time I love that she reached out to reawaken her passion for life. Because, what is EVERYTHING in life? A marriage, a big house, a good career? Or is there something more? The fact that she made the effort to do this intrigues me. She had no kids, and it sounds like her husband and her were already miserable (I love that she respectfully doesn't go into detail about what happened, and doesn't place blame), so there wasn't much loss there and it doesn't sound like she made anyone else miserable about her decision. Halfway to Each Other is a happy medium where a woman DOES have kids and still lost herself in her home life, and seeks to find out without (barely) letting those go.

Speaking of Elizabeth Gilbert's marriage, who knows what happened. This interesting article on her husband discusses his path after their divorce - a worldwide human-rights activist trek, and now married with two kids. Part of the paths they both took afterwards suggested they could've taken their path together, something that encourages me when I see people who go their separate ways - noting that their separate ways could have been together if they had only realized it.

I love Alexandra Gekas last paragraph:

"Whoever he was, it sounds like two people who met young, but who grew apart. Two people who had passion for life, but whose passion took them in different directions. It just would've been nice if she'd depicted him that way." - To further that, I think it would've been nice if they realized they could find those passions together.

Another article from a 1998 interview with Elizabeth Gilbert suggests he wanted the "perfect" life and she had a different view of having everything - one of which was not spending $10,000 on a wedding but saving it for a nest egg. They ended up spending the $10,000 on the wedding, a give in I'm speculating she was to regret many, many times the years over. Her second wedding was intimate version with just the people who were most important in their lives present.

Jessica Olien, cynic turned not-quite believer but non-judgemental nonetheless, talks about her own cynical journey to discredit Elizabeth Gilbert and the flocks of women who followed her footsteps to Bali, and finds out that to judge one another, you might just find yourself following in their foot steps. I agree wholeheartedly with her final piece of advice: "...if I could tell those women one more thing, it would be that maybe they should stop looking so hard. Because if there's a romantic cliche that's held true -- for Elizabeth Gilbert, and now, for me -- it's that bliss usually happens when you aren't hunting it down."

Regardless, it takes all different kinds of people to make up this world and I've seen too many marriages end after years of "having it all" to slight her for actually trying to find out what went wrong, even if that meant a selfish journey that she shared with the world who hopefully wouldn't make the same mistakes she did. Sometimes we need to be selfish and be there for ourselves in order to be there for someone else.

That being said, I also greatly enjoyed Halfway to Each Other and feel like I took more applicable lessons away from that - though lessons that are more difficult to put into words. My one sentence summarization for Eat, Pray, Love would be find your passion and live it, no matter what it takes. And for Halfway to Each Other would be find your passion in your life you already have and live it, no matter what it takes.

Blogging

Part of the reason I have this blog is to keep my unfiltered unstopping unedited thoughts off of my main blog - and stop overwhelming people with my thoughts :) . I'm finally coming to a realization though I will never be one of those bloggers who posts daily snippets of their perfect seemingly daily life with rarely a moment of down time in between. I'm just not that person. I LOVE my down time, I LOVE my introspection, I LOVE my roller coaster of emotions. I LOVE my bestie who understands those better than anyone else. I LOVE that I can take a FIVE week break from social life to rediscover that my HUSBAND is my best friend, and my BESTIE is still there. That is me. And this has been the history of my life with a world of possibilities at my door.

Single Mom at 17.

Found the soon to be love of my life at 18.

Got my dream proposal on the beach at sunset without even telling him.

Moved to Texas.

Married him.

Bought a house.

Had another kid.

Fell in love with my husband.

Rented out our house.

Moved to Cali for a year.

Moved back to Texas.

Found the best girlfriends in the entire world.

Fell in love with my husband once again.

Sold our house.

Bought another house.

Rented it out.

Fell in love with my husband all over again.

Starting a business with my honey.

Perfect life, right? Now read this. This is what life REALLY looks like. And what I ADORE and LOVE about life:

Single Mom at 17.

*Fell apart as what I thought was the love of my life turned out to be lust and he left me in a miserable fetal position ball of tears.

Found the soon to be love of my life at 18.

*Realized I found the RIGHT man for me after praying for him. Wasn't really in love, but knew he was the best man I have ever known and that if I let him go I would be destroying my own answered prayer.

Got my dream proposal on the beach at sunset without even telling him that was my dream.

*Moved by myself with my little one to Justin as his parents freaked out and I couldn't handle their reaction. His mom said we were having "puppy love" and making up a dream of setting up house. We had to tell his Dad, "Aren't you supposed to say congratulations?"

Married him.

*Moved into our first apartment on a $9/hour budget with a baby, a mattress on the floor, and a cardboard box for a dining table.

Bought a house.

*Slept through the move in process while my sister and husband moved us in as I was pregnant and in the tired stage and missing my mommy.

Had another kid.

*Ventured on the suburban perfect housewife track with flylady.net and got it down pat with a perfect house and garden.

Fell in love with my husband.

*Decided we were "strong enough" to move back to Cali amidst the pressure of family where Brando could work for my Dad.

Rented out our house.

*Again with the perfectness, every box was labeled and to a T. What we didn't put into storage we took with us. Cue horrendous argument on the road trip to Cali - that should've been a sign.

Moved to Cali for a year.

*Moved in with our parents so we could afford to live in Cali and fell completely apart relationally. While the situation was ideal with grandparents to watch the kids whenever we rarely took advantage of it as they were busy watching the other grandchildren whose parents did take advantage of it. We spent all the way more money than we'd ever earned on eating out and painting pottery just to have moments to ourselves.

Moved back to Texas.

*Cried for three months about how lonely I was and missed family. Finally pulled myself up by the boot straps and reached out.

Found the best girlfriends in the entire world.

*Partied my heart out, partly to figure out what it was like, partly to find myself, and partly to stay in my relationship without having to be in it.

Fell in love with my husband once again.

*Realized how many jerks and losers there are out there, amongst my girlfriends and their relationships, guys out and about at night, and realized once again what an amazing man is in my life and how grateful I am to have him.

Sold our house.

*Paid off $20,000 of debt with our equity.

Bought another house.

*Used Brando's pull as a real estate agent to have only $5000 down then spent the next year crying because I was lonely for my girlfriends so close to our old place.

Rented it out.

*Realized my husband would and will do anything for me, and discovered amongst the tears that having a quiet at home life where I spent the majority with my honey and family, not my friends, might be what I want after all.

Fell in love with my husband all over again.

*Eeeked out a balance with friends and going out, discovered that as I age life isn't going to get any easier lest I pour my heart into and decided I want to pour my heart into our family and starting a business together that will take up every second of our free time and decided that the free time I have left over I want to spend with my honey and my family.

Starting a business with my honey.

*Who knows what this bullet point is or will be, maybe it's my back, maybe it's the contractions we are going through as we figure out how to work together, but that's the beauty of life. There really is a rainbow after the hurricane, along with the clear air, rebuilding better than before the damage, and using bug repellent of confidence, determination, and enthusiasm for the annoying mosquitoes of doubt, insecurity, and failure.

To My In-Town Girls

Sent February 10, 2011

Hi girls,

Because I'm sick and tired about lamenting about my physical inabilities lately, I thought I'd send you an email rather than a phone conversation where I pretend nothing is wrong because I don't want to whine about myself again.

Monday morning I got up after a phone conversation and couldn't stand up straight due to lower back pain. I don't know why. The only things I can think of are my recent ventures into rock climbing and then shoving a dresser around by myself on Saturday, perhaps it could've been several phone conversations with stressful news where I absolutely didn't watch my posture. The only time I've ever had lower back pain is when I was pregnant with Shawnes, and I am not pregnant. No matter.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday to do what FINALLY healed my back after a month of pain when I injured it working out two years ago. So hopefully I am spearheading the pain this time and won't be out of commission for a month like last time. Regardless, I've definitely been out of commission this week and am SO PISSED because one of my very closest friends is going away in a few days for a while, and another friend is moving in a few months, so my time with them? Non-existent at this point. Not to mention even less time with other girlfriends.

Last week, I took a self-imposed need to make sure life is in order time. Since then, I feel like it's being forced upon me - first with the snow day, then Justinbustin being sick, and now my back, and I am none too happy about it.

I hope you all can forgive me for not being available this week like I so wanted to be. Promise this will be the only whine email you will hear - all from the comfiness of my bed (which, by the way, did you know comfiness can get annoying?). Feel free to send chocolate, flowers, and hugs my way :) . In the meantime, I hope you'll forgive me as I have nothing to give right now.

xo

Update sent February 16, 2011

Hi girls,

While I wrote this email to Jae last night after I neglected to get back to her when she offered to bring us dinner last Sunday and then sent another email to check up on me, and so it's written as if to her and may be a little confusing, but I thought you'd appreciate the update as well.

The weekend went well and I was on my way to recovery. Then, on Monday, the boys had Valentine's parties. I normally always go to their parties and help out if I can, and thought I was doing well enough to do so this time. Only I ended up helping out with Shawner's for two hours, bending over the whole time. Still, I convinced myself that I would be fine. Not so this morning. I realized today that Brandon took care of me over the weekend which was why I was on my way to recovering. I don't take very good care of myself I'm realizing, tending to overdo it way too soon.

I am definitely feeling cooped up. I had a few good sobs today, and am sure there will be more tomorrow. I really, really dislike feeling this way. On top of that, the meds continue to make me loopy and are starting to break me out worse than I've ever seen.

But! I am trying to keep my head up. KT brought me chocolate and flowers on Saturday - actually we ended up running into her at the massage place on total accident and she had them in her car, about to bring them over to me. Brando had set up the massage in the first place, so both of those were heartening, as well as your email, and Li had offered to bring me chocolate martinis on Friday (I skipped girls night last week, and will this week as well as we changed the day for Valentine's Day) - though I declined as I don't think alcohol and what I'm taking would do well). On Sunday, I was able to say goodbye in person to my friend who is leaving for a month, and am grateful to have seen her before she left. I've been on facebook a bit, and chatted with one other friend.

The thing about stress like this is it can make all other problems seem way bigger, and that is what is happening today. Difficulties with Justinbustin at school, Brando's work, careless things at home the kids forgot to do, even just managing dinner and groceries - which is why, I just realized, I definitely should've taken you up on your offer! Brando and I are at each other's throats again tonight, which doesn't help matters, but the matters don't help it either, so it's just more stress.

As an upate to this email from last night, I am trying to be good about taking everything way easy and take care of myself as if Brando were taking care of me, even when he's not here. I took Advil a few hours ago, so I'm not really sure if I feel good or I just can't feel most of it. Any way, I will continue taking what I'm supposed to take until everything stops hurting. I haven't broke down in tears yet today, so that's a plus!

The drama continues

*Monday I got up from a phone conversation and couldn't stand up straight. It's Wednesday and I'm still on the bed. This afternoon though will be pain killers, muscle relaxants, and getting up and walking around so my body doesn't give out on me.

*Tuesday found out soap opera drama regarding my sister's two closest friends. Thank goodness my sister was smart enough to back off from one of the friend's a time ago and wasn't involved. Also, I *think* I finally started my period. Could be a miscarriage. Waiting on the results of the bloodwork pregnancy test. Went into the doctors and was prescribed the aforementioned pain killers and muscle relaxants. Normally, I don't take prescriptions - I'll pick them up *in case* but then will do my best naturally. I've learned with my back to take the darn prescriptions and save the month of misery. That, and get a massage. Those things are so much moolah though I usually wait until Brando makes the appointment because I can't justify the money.

*Wednesday I'm still in bed. Didn't take anything last night in case I'm pregnant and spent a miserable night all night. This morning I can stand up better but ALL my back muscles are sore. My childhood BF's brother went into code blue again. They put in a pacemaker if his heart stops again. He still can't breathe on his own. It's snowing in Austin. Again. Here's to hoping the drama slows down this week.

Oh my word

This week has been a WEEK. I'll bullet point it to save you the blabber

*Tuesday was the biggest meltdown Brando and I have had in a loooong time. Reverting back to eighteen or nineteen year old methods of arguing meltdown. Pathetic. Went over to Li's house and cried on her bed. She had just gotten done crying herself as the tension is so high between her sister and her who live together as Li is considering moving away to her hometown and M is not happy about it. Fortunately, B and I are on the mend. I went on immediate damage control and let my girlfriends know so that I had some space to do what we needed to. Good thing, too, cause their weeks ended up being just as horrendous as mine and I wouldn't have had the energy to support them and what I needed to do as well. This week I'm going on helping girlfriends recover time while still trying to manage the balance of family as well. Will let you know how that goes.

*Thursday Brando and I argued back and forth all day about what went down Tuesday night and came to somewhat of an agreement.

*Friday we were back on the same pageish. I found out my childhood BF's brother's heart stopped and they induced a coma to keep him alive. It snowed in Texas. Justinbustin walked half a mile in the cold in the evening and came home with a sore throat and a fever.

*Saturday we stayed home all day due to Justinbustin being sicked. Ended up cooking at home Saturday night instead of going out, which saved us a buttload of money.

*Sunday we spent that buttload of money we saved on remedies for Justinbustin. I found out my Dad had been in the ER the night before - fortunately it turned out it was for kidney stones and he bought himself a giant teddy bear for being in the hospital. I also found out Li is staying for the next year (yay!) which had been throwing me off as well thinking of her moving back to her hometown and her sister, M, moving into another apartment away from me. I have come to lean on them living next door so much, I really need to separate myself from that for when they really do move next year - or we do. In addition I found out Li's second mother, her nanny from childhood, passed away Friday. On top of that my childhood BF's brother's heart stopped again and they had to restart it again. They have to decide whether to let him live or die if it stops again as the chance is high he will be a vegetable if it does. Pray that it doesn't stop again.

*Today I finally caught up with my BFF, KT, after I hadn't talked to her all week due to damage control on my part from Tuesday's blowout. Turns out her week was miserable as well. Her childhood BF's dad passed away on Friday, her birthdays along with her sisters' birthdays and her dad's are all within the span of a month and these are the first birthdays without her mom here. She's having issues with binge eating to mask her emotions. Fortunately, we had an amazing hour long conversation and agreed it's a new week! She texted me this morning like she always does and I finally decided enough is enough and had to pick up the phone and call her to catch each other up. So glad I did. She always puts things in perspective for me. I love KT & PSD time - however we get ot have it.

So that's my crazy heck of a weekend. No, I haven't been tracking, but fortunately my weight is staying the same. I love the way I feel when I eat healthy and I've been attempting to maintain it. I did splurge on chips, guac, and hummus last night but not having dinner made up for it. Plus, I love how healthy fresh guac is with tomato, onion, lime juice, and garlic! Red pepper hummus is delicious as well. And Kettle Chips are delicious and as natural as a potato chip can get, thank goodness. Having my morning cup of coffee now, and can't wait to eat a huge bowl of fruit salad and snack on fresh cut up veggies all day. Weight Watchers introduced a new plan that takes into account good calories versus bad and makes most fruit 0 points which means I can eat fruit salad all day mixed in with veggies and feel totally full and satisfied without straying. Yum!

It's Time Cont'd...

The rest of Monday thru Tuesday... hers in italics:

ate belgian waffle, jam 6 pts

coffee 4 pts

smoothie 3 pts.

sorry for not being there for you :(

no worries, lol. I'm staying on.

lots of zero point veggies

edamame - 3 pts

rosemary & fig chicken with steamed green beans - 7 pts

three glasses of wine - 6 pts

So 22 pts total but I was 105 again today! whoo! thinking i'm trying to work through my plateau again

omg

asian ckn wrap from togos 12+ pts. so not even healthy!!!! but it looked healthy!

3 see's candies...? pts.

don't even wanna know.

i'm gonna 'just dance 2' on the wii and do my abs.

going to juice oranges/ carrots and that's all i'm eating the rest of the day.

hot tea with honey - 1 pt

bananas with honey - 3 pts

glass of wine - 2 pts

three rochers - 5.5 pts
two reese's peanut butter cups - 4 pts

taco bell 7 layer burrito - 10 pts

chipotle chicken soft taco - 18 pts FUDGE

chips & guac - at least another 8 pts

I don't even want to add it up... darn it, I'm eating like I'm working out again, but I didn't work out today!!

Just to keep myself accountable, that's 41.5 points - TWO DAYS worth of food. Crazy.

{So. Tuesday we had a marital meltdown and I have not been tracking - a Weight Watchers word for keeping track of your food, I love it because it keeps me so accountable - since then. I've allowed myself to concentrate on things like drinking more water, taking vitamins, and eating more carbs - things I'd neglected since I've been focusing on tracking, and things that are equally important for me to remember, especially for my mood. I still have not gotten my period in three weeks and it is concerning me, so hopefully drinking more water and taking my vitamins again regularly will set me straight. I've still been weighing in, but just at nights, and fortunately I've been at 106 so that has been encouraging. I may or may not start tracking again soon, it will probably depend on if my weight goes up again and/or when the marital ugliness has been fully remedied - well on it's way now, though, thank goodness.}

Where did my ten years go?

I just realized that while other young people who have not been married and had kids for the last ten years have been going to school, cultivating their tastes, styles in homes, clothes, and travelling, I have been raising a kid. Two, actually. So going to school, cultivating tastes, have gone to naught. I have cultivated a little taste in clothes, but the house stuff has gone straight to the kids. Literally. The money and thought for house things goes to the kids. Not that I'm complaining. It's just a realization I had, and one that helps me be more okay with not being further along with design skills. Now that they are more grown (albeit they have become young adults and we're about to hit middle school here - yikes!) I have a little time to think of it.

A New Day

This weekend was such an upper that I knew the down was coming. I just didn't expect it to feel quite so alone.

No school for me this semester. I'm taking a break - to find a job, to support Brando, to de-freakin-stress, to whatever. It's a weird feeling. It's been me for a year and a half now. It's a good feeling, though.

No school may be contributing to the alone feeling - I'm alone when the boys and Brando go to school and there's no classroom environment and what intellectual stimulation and little conversation that provides when one pays attention to break up the monotony.

I woke up early this morning to get the boys to school the minute the doors opened so they would have some time to settle in and get used to being back in school again. Shawners was so cute last night he says, "I don't know why, but I'm nervous about tomorrow." I told him that was normal because there will be a lot of people (something that makes him nervous) and he hasn't done it for two weeks, but the good thing is everyone else hasn't been there for two weeks either and all of them have taken vacations, seen grandparents & family that they will be excited to talk about. Even though he said he won't talk about it, I said maybe somebody else will mention something that will remind him of something that happened on vacation that he will want to talk about. After that, he said, "Can we go through the schedule in the morning?" to which I said yes, and he continues, "Wake up, take the dogs potty, feed and water the dogs, do my chores real quick, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth and hair, get water and snack, and put back pack in car." So organized, that one. I told him wow, that's awesome that he thought about all that and it reminded me I needed to wake up and make them lunch, which is part of the reason I was able to get up early this morning and get their lunches together and get out the door before the school doors opened (a huge feat for me - not for them).

And now the house is quiet and I feel quite alone. There is a lot to do around the house, but now I see it and think once it's done I have nothing else to do. Hopefully that won't stop me from doing it this time like it has in the past. This is my down. And this is me trying to be okay with it.

DAMMIT

I completely, totally, one hundred percent forgot I had my government class yesterday. My parents are in town, the boys were off school, and it was Brando's one day off this week (besides the actual day of Thanksgiving) so I was in total vacation mode and it just COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND. I am SO MAD AT MYSELF and trying not to be. The worst part is I was sleeping in!!! So I TOTALLY could've gone. It wasn't even like I missed a fabulous family breakfast like we had on Sunday when Brando made us an omelette buffet and made us omelettes to order. I SLEPT IN. I have an exam next Wednesday so now I will have to work twice as hard to make up for it once my parents take off. AND, UGH, I just realized I have a class next Monday too when my parents are taking off for the airport. AND a paper due that day. I guess I'm glad I'm writing this out so I can realize what I need to get done.

I've realized I have a HUGE PROBLEM when my schedule changes. I FORGET EVERYTHING I REGULARLY HAVE TO DO. Seriously, I don't know how many "regular" things I do that I have just completely utterly dropped when my schedule changes in the slightest, i.e. doing Wednesday folders for Justinbustin's class when I stopped volunteering on Wednesdays and Shawners had a field trip that day. I remembered Shawner's Wednesday folders, I even helped the Mom delivering spirit gear that morning. Just completely forgot Justinbustin's class!! Until the next morning even!

Much like this government class yesterday. Totally didn't realize I'd forgotten til' I woke up at 8am and panicked cause I thought I had to be in class in an hour. Then realized it was YESTERDAY I was supposed to be in class.

Ugh.

NOTE TO SELF (which I've made before, but maybe I'll actually follow it this time): Put on calendar and set alerts for regular events when something different is happening that day.

Just put it on the calendar for next week. I wonder what other regular events I might be forgetting in the meantime.

Ugh.

Speaking of Photos

Photos are incredible. They tell a story. They track who we are, what we look like, our style, our interests, our personalities.

Looking back on photos from when the boys were toddlers I see things in myself (excuse the shallowness of my posts lately, I see it as a part of accepting and maybe, just maybe, hopefully, embracing my age right now) that I thought were new. Things that had been there all along - freckles, wrinkles, indentations in my face, muscle lines. Who knows maybe I had come to accept a photoshopped version of myself from Brando's gorgeous edited photos - an image I would back up with the few unedited photos of myself that would look just like the edited ones, but in reality those weren't the norm. It's so fun looking back on pure, unedited photos that show me as exactly who I am in all my young mom, young dorky unstylish 20s, acne prone, unmakeup wearing, running around two little boys. Not that impressive, let me tell you. But I didn't let that stop me then. Heck, I wasn't even AWARE of it. So why I should let it stop me now? Especially because I AM aware of it and realize it's not true. I do have style, I do wear makeup when I want to and am fine not wearing it when I don't want to, my skin is clearer, and I've matured to look like a woman, not like a little girl.

So so so content

This has been a strange year of many changes. Moving from house to apartment, renting out said house, losing our best couple friends but in the process learning how to have healthy arguments, our debt being paid off, finally getting on the same page with money & uniting on everything we do with it, falling out of love with social events, rediscovering my love of my husband, renewing our vows, contemplating where we go from here income wise, accepting aging & signs of it, no longer feeling like I can use my oft used phrase "we're so young", realizing money priorities are different for everyone at different times especially for windfalls - in the past mine have been clothing, travel, & going out at different times respectively - currently they may be trending towards making my home a retreat to come home to that is comfortable as well as aesthetically pleasing.

So. Lots of changes. I'm sure there's more to list, but that's off the top of my head.

Blindsided

This is what happens when you overdo it:

Last Wednesday, while I volunteered I sent out emails for three hours, clicking probably 3000 times in the process because of the way personalizing each email was setup. My thumb, probably already aggravated by my tendency to overtext, gave out and turned into full blown tendinitis. Yesterday I got a splint for my right hand, and immediately my left thumb, which had been sprained in May and never fully healed, started acting up into an early case of tendinitis. Hence, the matching splint on my left hand today.

Thankfully, I have my best friend KT to pull me out of tears and feeling like a complete idiot by telling me it's human nature to overdo things, that it's probably frustrating just to have these things on and not have the mobility I normally do (it is), I won't look like an idiot, the priority is to let it heal, and that it's important to be okay with it and just let it be. Then she came over with an iced coffee and told me it was stylish, and I'd probably start a new trend.

Thank God for best friends.

Fun

Liking:

*Volunteering at a low-cost veterinarian clinic with KT and getting woozy (read: high) off the fine dust of dewormer, and not figuring it out until after I'd licked my shirt trying to get the taste off my mouth and stop my tongue from going numb. Yup, licked my shirt. It was hilarious with our non-stop giggling and off the wall comments: "My tongue is numb." "I have no thought processes." "I can't feel my legs." "Do you want to eat at Chipotle?" with a blank look and a "Suuuurrre." from KT in response.

*Seeing someone while I'm volunteering who was shocked that I'm 29 and being told she would've put me between 18-21

*Justinbustin and his two buddies developing a school newspaper with the support of their teachers and including all types of different sections, and recruiting. This deserves it's own post.

*Not wearing makeup for two weeks and feeling confident enough that I'll even go on dates with makeup. On top of that, getting comments like the above while not wearing makeup, and also, from Li, a shocked, "You're NOT wearing makeup?! Your skin is all one tone."

*How friendly the carpool line is at the boys' school.

*My motivation to clean, clean, clean and do, do, do after volunteering this week.

*Shawners doing his meerkat presentation at school yesterday.

*Girls night with KT and Ande for the first time this week with Jamaican Chicken with Mango Salsa and Brittney Spears' Glee

*Of course girls night with M, Li, and Ambs - and K & Herbie too!

*Discovering the magic that is Zilker park with a skyline view in the fall

Not liking:

*Still struggling with accepting aging. Fb photos do NOT help since I can see the difference from three years ago to today. I want to delete them so I'm not tempted to look at them, but they're my scrapbook, so I'm not sure how to delete them without taking them away. I have figured out it is studying that has worsened the texture of my forehead and line between my eyes. Yes, I'm a research fanatic (okay, freak), and yes, I have been researching my own photos. It got really bad in February - right after the start of my second semester. It lightened up in summer with no school. And it started to get bad again as I started school this semester. I have figured out I squint while reading. I read a lot - I figured 48 hours for one textbook, and I've lost count of how many I've read the last two semesters - at least three or four. That's a LOT of squinting. My poor face. So I am working on not squinting while I study. I also got Frownies to wear at night which seem to be helping. Not sure if they can reverse the damage though, and I wake up an hour before I get up to take them off lest the boys think I'm crazy. I'm fully aware I am - okay, maybe, not FULLY aware, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it at all.

*My lack of taking pictures lately. Brando got me a new (pink) camera, since my other one went to the shop and will cost more to repair than replace. This one is a Nikon, which I thought I would like, however I am NOT liking the quality of the sharpness. The pictures come out so grainy! I am looking forward to returning it and going back to Canon, crappy as it is that it burnt out (almost, literally) on my after just a year.

*Having the boys in school at a chemical plant. Still. Shawners has had weird things going on since, and I'm trying to stay unparanoid and attribute it to allergies which are REALLY bad this season for everybody, but he's never had things like this before - headaches, neck aches, leg aches. It's just weird. I would pull him out right NOW if it weren't for his teacher being so fabulous, and how well he is doing.