Who I Am

I just realized something about myself. When I feel like an injustice has been done, I cut the person I feel was responsible out of the picture. Especially when it comes to my son. This can be a detrimental thing.

Justinbustin went on a boy scout camping trip and got bit 72+ times by chiggers. His reaction to bug bites is pretty intense - in other words you gasp when you look at the swollen bites on his leg. He's staying home from sch*ol for the second day today. The boy scout trip he went on was a black *ps mission trip. Only. He didn't get to do the super boy fun black *ps part. He had to man a station. Because he's on the A team/leadership team. First off, I've always been a little pissy that they didn't freakin' assign him a leadership position in the first place when they were assigning everybody else from his pack a position. I had to freakin' email and ask. Only then did they 'come up' with a few positions that they offered him. Both which kinda sucked in my opinion - troop secretary or quartermaster (takes inventory of all supplies). It actually makes me see red thinking about it. I didn't say anything. He took on quartermaster and has been doing something (I think) with it since. Not really much, because his position isn't required for every trip like I would love it to be, but he does something sometimes. That made me mad. I felt that was an injustice. But I let it ride.

Now. As a result, he is on the A-Team/leadership team which is kinda cool because not a lot of kids are on it. At the same time, not a lot of kids are on it besides all the Dads. So when it's only him and one other kid, and that other kid has to go home early, guess who's stuck eating by himself with all the Dads? Yeah. He kinda liked that part, but it PISSed me off, especially since HIS dad wasn't there. In addition, the whole not being part of the black *ps thing? He said he had to be manning a station because he was on the A team. So here he goes to this event he's super looking forward to, nobody tells him he won't be allowed to participate, I spend $66 buying stupid effen (sorry, I'm really mad) supplies for said black *ps that ALL the other kids end up flippin' using, comes home covered in chiggers, and gets tears in his eyes every time I ask him about what happened that night.

Not only am I RAGING MAMA BEAR MAD, I also start to wonder did something else happen? At some point, he's the only kid with a bunch of Dads. NOT EXACTLY the buddy system they are supposed to have. This part really gets me mad. What else happened? Brando says to stop questioning Justinbustin, but I'm not going to. Why is my son getting tears in his eyes when I ask him about a darn campout?

Okay. So all that. Then, I realize, I just want to take him out of the troop. I am done. SO DONE. And then I start crying the minute I type that because that is the dumbest way to go. But I am SO MAD I want to get back at these people and take away my precious son from them so they can't hurt him anymore. Then, I realize, that's what I did with his youth group (he's now transitioned into one that he goes to up here with a good friend from school) when the leader tried to convince me to hold him back in effen youth group and Justinbustin cried many tears saying his friends are where he's at and he doesn't want to be held back in youth group - it's already happened at school through no fault of his own (his birthday affected it, and the fact that when we first put him in school we put him a grade higher because the grade he should've gone in was full, which we evened out later). I don't want to do what I did with youth group with boy scouts, too.

Then, I realize, this is what I did with Jer*my. The biological Dad. When he decided he didn't want to be a part of our lives, I cut him out. I said okay. See ya. I am SO DONE with you. And I think I've been doing it ever since. I realized I did it with me, but I was fine with that. I was fine with cutting people out of my life who didn't deserve to be there. Now, if I do that to my son, he will miss out on some amazing opportunities he is privileged to be a part of. Now that I think about it, maybe I have missed out on some amazing opportunities myself, but I haven't cared. I can't do that to him, especially when he does care, and when he does have a choice.

So. Going forward. I realize what we SHOULD've done with youth group. We should've gotten involved. Been a part of what was going on. Instead of resisting, we should've been part of the solution. So now I am going to ask Brando to step up his involvement with Justinbustin's boy scouts - be there for the next few meetings. Figure out what is going on and how he can help Justinbustin be the leader I realize he wants to be. Figure out why he may be being ostracized. Is he not stepping up enough? Are they stepping on him? WHAT is going on?! And note to myself MAKE SURE you know who Justinbustin is riding with. This last time he rode with a guy I've only talked to once, this was the same guy who told him he couldn't do the black *ps. Maybe he was trying to be helpful, I don't know, but I am friends with most of the dads, and this one is not my friend. Make sure next time he ONLY goes with those who are my friends. There was one there who is my friend, but I thought I'd let Justinbustin go a little this time and not make a big deal out of him going with that person like I have in the past. Big mistake. Next time, he goes with a friend, and I am going to tell him so so that he is the one that can make sure it happens.