Sorry, random thoughts aren't going away. The only cohesive posts I have seem to be on PSD these days.

*Love my coffee cup from Whole Foods M got me for Christmas. It feels like Valentine's every day I drink out of it (mine is the red roses, of course)!

*What about talking to my Dad keeps me from wanting to work? AGHHHH. He's SO motivating to talk to full of crazy ideas just like me, only he actually makes them happen, or gets other people to make them happen. And after a few minutes of crazy inspiration, I curl up in my shell and don't want to do a thing. Literally. At all. At all. At all.

*A little bit of sugar in my coffee keeps me from feeling insatiably thirsty for more coffee. More satisfying, maybe.

*There goes my work phone. Which reminds me, there's a sweet call I HAVE to return today whether I like it or not.

*Brando has half the day off. Can't wait for him to be home!!

*All, I had an AMAAAAZING Valentine's. Please skip this if you don't want to read about it :) . But I've been thinking about it and I have to write it down so I remember it. I think part of it was that I was only expecting a low-key day because our lives have been so busy lately so I was blown away by what Brando actually did and all the thought he put into it. He pulled out the whole nine yards for me. He woke me up with flowers and a card on my bed, even though as I was getting dressed to take Shawner's to school I didn't even notice them sitting there for ten minutes!! I finally noticed him staring at me strangely and saw them out of the corner of my eye. So freaking sweet.

He had the day off and spent it helping out in the classrooms at Justinbustin's school (what a man!!). When he got home, he took me to get my chewed off nails done. While I was there he ran and picked up Love Cake Cupcakes from Hey Cupcake and surprised me with them when he picked me up along with a note that said, "Happy Valentine's! Will you still be mine?"

Then, he took me to our favorite Valentine's Day restaurant, NXNW, where he'd made reservations last week. All, we had the four course dinner. I haven't been spoiled like that since Cali!! Usually, it's too much food, but (LOVE NXNW) we asked if they cared if we split it (since a lot of people around us were ordering regular food any way it didn't seem like a big deal) and they so didn't care. They even split it for us. It was just the right amount of food and just the right amount of way too full at the end. We both enjoyed our wine - me, my malbec, and he, his tiny glass of port, we both laughed at.

I guess that's what 20% alcohol gets you. We had dessert via fresh fruit, whipped creme, and chocolate there, then came home and enjoyed the cupcakes he brought me on our bed.

Absolutely. perfect. in. every. way.

aa-and he's home so I'm ending this :) ! actually that sound of a car wasn't him... but he did call me a few minutes later to invite me to meet him for lunch so now I'm off for reals :) .


PPS I LOVE LOVE LOVE summer!! These photos make me not be able to wait for it anymore!! I wish I lived in a place where it was summer year round! I feel good, I look good, and I'm outdoors ALL the time when it's summer and I can't WAIT to do that again!

Oh Christmas Tree

Brought the kids to church today finally! We drop them off and have a morning date. I have an internal struggle with going to church these days. My parents didn't go as I was growing up. My Dad is the only one who goes now. Brando's and my marriage is SO much more happier and peaceful since we have  NOT been going to church. Mostly, I think because we get at least one day a week together. And so we don't go. I still think it's important for the kids to have that Godly structured environment, though, as we certainly don't provide it at home. The structured learning that is. We definitely pray at bed time and talk about our relationship with God.

We also went to a wind ensemble orchestra performance conducted by Justinbustin's band teacher. I so did NOT want to go. Once I was there, though, the music gave me chills. And got me in a bit of the holiday spirit with Baby, It's Cold Outside and Sleigh Ride. I needed that. It was also cute seeing Justinbustin sit with a few band friends who migrated to where we were sitting. They were so excited to see their band teacher on stage.

This year Brando brought in the beautiful fake tree a friend of my sister's had given us last year but we didn't have time to put it up last year. He put the lights on it as well. The boys put Christmas Pandora music on and made hot chocolate with marshmallows. Then, the boys put the ornaments on the tree. I put a few finishing ornaments on it and Brando took pictures. Justinbustin put the Christmas lights up outside. He did such a beautiful job.

Regarding my nothing post, I've decided to live by this motto and it worked well for me tonight. It may sound simple and duh to some people, but after years of cleaning up after four, then giving up, it's a whole new eye opener for me:

Maybe it'll keep me from doing nothing.

All In a Day's Work

Yesterday, I...

*held a meeting to discuss wedding flowers

*dropped off a school lunch

*hosted four ladies for lunch to discuss the rest of said wedding

*had a business meeting with my business mentor

*picked my boys up from school

*acted as a water victim for my first-class boy scout to rescue

*worked for three hours while I had four boys in my home 

*drove my son to a youth group event

*had a business meeting with Brando while playing frisbee with our son

I'm loving...

working backwards from right now...

*that my boys are total geeks watching Prototype This

*that Justinbustin had the biggest grin on his face when we came home from our date that said I found a new super geeky show to love

*that my hubby took me on a date to get my craving - a Chipotle margarita and was totally okay with my drunk arse blabbering off one margarita (oh, Chipotle, you do me so well)

*that my hubby took my comment about wanting to "high-school makeout" (thanks, Teagan, for that ;) to the max

*that my hubby was watching the clock last night to make sure he could make it last as long as he could

*that I *did* feel like I was in high-school last night lol

*that I could feel that way after ten years of marriage

*that I was listening to the dance/hip hop radio station that I normally listen to today thinking "those were the days" but today I was thinking "that was last night"

Decluttering Heaven

So for the first time Justinbustin and I cleaned his room today without any meltdowns. Really, it's a testament to his maturity, because I still almost melted down. Right after he said he thought I should take a break and I didn't take take a break, which is the funny part. But I didn't melt down. Thank goodness. He is finally mature enough not to cry, whine, and complain when I throw his junk away. He is such a little pack rat, and we are trying so hard to bring him out of that. Today, I threw away three kitchen garbage bags full of trash out of his room, and three and a half kitchen trash bags full of clothes. Keep in mind his room is the size of a closet (mostly because it is a closet, but a very large closet and one that he'd prefer to have as his room than share a room with his brother). There were still boxes in there that he hadn't unpacked from our move back in June. Which is where all the clothes were that his brother and him had been complaining about that they didn't have. Any way it is so clean and it is strange how light and airy it makes me feel in the rest of the house. The rest of the house where I can't even see his room! I've been on a decluttering rampage lately -- my bedroom, the office/lobby, the living room, the shoe area, the garage -- and taking before and after photos because seeing the before once I've gotten to the after is so motivating and rewarding. It's been SO easy to keep clean, and SO easy to quickly declutter now that I've got the deep clean and declutters out of the way. Granted, it's still not decorated (especially our bed, which needs an overhaul), but it still feels put together and therefore is motivating to keep it looking as neat as it is. This just felt like the final straw of decluttering and it makes my heart smile and feel light.

Dear Life,

Refocusing on Brando and the boys, thank you for opening my eyes to many things, one of which my main blog sort of feels like a friend I need to focus on less. I love dumping my thoughts here, because there's hardly any readership (and I love all that do read here!), but dumping my thoughts there seems too vulnerable. And organizing my thoughts in a sane manner takes too much energy. I may save you, dear blog, for pictures of trips and call it good over there. It's been fun to revamp, though, and try new things. That, above all, I believe, showed me that it's not worth my energy over there.

Stores, thank you for all the GORGEOUS summer clothes out! I went crazy town at forever 21 and can't wait to model my new wardrobe for Brando on dates.

Summer, how can you be so near? I can't believe this may actually be the last summer that Justinbustin will sorta do what I want because he has to. Fortunately, he loves outdoor activity as much as I, so that means I have an adventure buddy!

Girls weekend, I am so sad, you didn't work out. I can't wait til' you do!

My own weekend, I am kinda relieved that I can make you happen now. Justinbustin will get to go camping, go to a special event Saturday, and the boys won't have to be left alone Friday afternoon and Saturday morning.

Pool, why don't I go to you more often? Your sun rays were absolutely glorious yesterday and left the perfect tan line that I'm still olive oiling to get rid of the burn. Your water is still cool and refreshing.

Brando, thank you for being so awesome at figuring out new strategies. I can't believe the school changing the way parents could pick up could give me anxiety attacks! Thank you for relieving those by figuring out a new way to easily pick up the boys, and a way that they love, in an instant.

Boys, you are incredible when given responsibility. My prayer is that you will find ways to rise above, be a leader, and find your own things to be responsible for even when you aren't given responsibility.

KT, thank you for being my bestie. For sticking with me through thick and thin. For noticing my irritation yesterday, and not saying a thing, but simply showing up in your bathing suit with a towel and inviting me to go to the pool just so you could be silent and hear me vent. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know something is bothering me, and also knowing me well enough to not question me about it, but simply be there for me and let me tell you in my own time. You are amazing, and I don't know what I did to deserve your amazingness. I don't think I did anything, I think you just are that person and I'm so glad I know you.

Happy birthday, honey!

Not planning anything for Brando's birthday went pretty well after all - hanging out with friends two nights in a row, paddle boarding, and a mani/pedi for me. Who knew not planning could be so rewarding?

I Love the Mornings I Wake Up In Love with My Husband All Over Again

I'm loving about my husband...

*Going to a meeting with the principal of the middle school, irritated that I'm a little late, and being totally taken off-guard and breaking into a huge smile when I walk in and see my husband already sitting there, saving a spot for me in the front. Made me feel so special to be one of the only moms with a dad there, too, and one of the few dads there period, and to slide right in next to him and not feel like "the late person" cause I already had my man there.

*Having him say to me I look adorable as we walk out. I told him I was hoping he had noticed when I walked in.

*Having him Brando realize exactly the question I was asking the principal who didn't understand it, and then having Brando explain it to me, and hearing the other parents hear him as well and go "Ooooh, we were totally confused, too" only they were too afraid to speak up and say so like I did

*Walking out and talking to the middle school counselor and telling her that her site is awesome because almost all of the information I got this morning I had already seen on her site and telling her I was going to figure out how to get it emailed to me like she had mentioned somebody was able to do but she didn't do, then hearing Brando say "Oh, yeah, the RSS feed you were talking stands for (blah, blah, blah, I already forgot) and is real easy to do, you can have it update automatically" even though the counselor hadn't mentioned RSS feed at all, she only mentioned that somebody was able to get the updates from her site sent to them via email and she didn't know how they did it. I love that he put two and two together and automatically figured it out. He's so sexy smart.

*Brando figuring out someone was stealing our internet and figured out exactly how to keep them from doing it ie unplugging our wireless router and modem every night and shutting down the computers instead of leaving them plugged in and the computer on like we normally do. No problems since!

*Love having a techie in the house. It's incredibly sexy.

Shift of Focus

I've talked about this before, but my focus has recently shifted from time with my girls, to time with my husband, boys, and our business. It has been interesting to observe what this shift in focus has done. I've discovered I've always been the energy behind my friendships - I'm the one doing the inviting, suggesting plans, thinking of new things to do, and making sure we get together regularly. After being in bed for four weeks, realizing my focus was shifting, and becoming honest with myself through many talks with KT and then, in turn, with my girlfriends about my focus shifting and where I'm at, it's fun to see the turnaround. All of a sudden my girlfriends are stepping up to the plate and asking ME to do things, and making times for ME to meet them places. I can understand why they leaned on me for so long. It's so EASY to say yes when someone else is doing all the work of figuring out where to go, what time, and what day. It's fun being on this end.

By the way, when I say starting a business with Brando, I mean figuring out what the heck running a business is all about. The actual business part is quite a ways away.

FB Status

Got asked if I was Justinbustin's sister yesterday before Shawner's game, then told I didn't look a day over 18 and don't look like I could have any kids, much less one as big as Justinbustin. I told her thanks, I'm turning 30 this year so I totally appreciated she said that. Secretly inside I did one of those fist pulls you do when you're winning and said YES. The person even asked the guy behind me in line, "Seriously, doesn't she look 18?" I didn't turn around to see what he looked like, but I did hear him go, "Yup." as I walked out. Thanks, random person, for making my day.

Brando and I also got told we looked 18 and not old enough to have kids when we were in line at the security gate at the airport. That was the best wait in line at a security gate ever - the TSA agents kept coming up to the kids and chatting with them and giving them stickers, and the guy who said we didn't look 18 totally entertained the kids and chatted with us the whole time about his life in the Navy seals. Totally put a smile on my face.

Blogging

Part of the reason I have this blog is to keep my unfiltered unstopping unedited thoughts off of my main blog - and stop overwhelming people with my thoughts :) . I'm finally coming to a realization though I will never be one of those bloggers who posts daily snippets of their perfect seemingly daily life with rarely a moment of down time in between. I'm just not that person. I LOVE my down time, I LOVE my introspection, I LOVE my roller coaster of emotions. I LOVE my bestie who understands those better than anyone else. I LOVE that I can take a FIVE week break from social life to rediscover that my HUSBAND is my best friend, and my BESTIE is still there. That is me. And this has been the history of my life with a world of possibilities at my door.

Single Mom at 17.

Found the soon to be love of my life at 18.

Got my dream proposal on the beach at sunset without even telling him.

Moved to Texas.

Married him.

Bought a house.

Had another kid.

Fell in love with my husband.

Rented out our house.

Moved to Cali for a year.

Moved back to Texas.

Found the best girlfriends in the entire world.

Fell in love with my husband once again.

Sold our house.

Bought another house.

Rented it out.

Fell in love with my husband all over again.

Starting a business with my honey.

Perfect life, right? Now read this. This is what life REALLY looks like. And what I ADORE and LOVE about life:

Single Mom at 17.

*Fell apart as what I thought was the love of my life turned out to be lust and he left me in a miserable fetal position ball of tears.

Found the soon to be love of my life at 18.

*Realized I found the RIGHT man for me after praying for him. Wasn't really in love, but knew he was the best man I have ever known and that if I let him go I would be destroying my own answered prayer.

Got my dream proposal on the beach at sunset without even telling him that was my dream.

*Moved by myself with my little one to Justin as his parents freaked out and I couldn't handle their reaction. His mom said we were having "puppy love" and making up a dream of setting up house. We had to tell his Dad, "Aren't you supposed to say congratulations?"

Married him.

*Moved into our first apartment on a $9/hour budget with a baby, a mattress on the floor, and a cardboard box for a dining table.

Bought a house.

*Slept through the move in process while my sister and husband moved us in as I was pregnant and in the tired stage and missing my mommy.

Had another kid.

*Ventured on the suburban perfect housewife track with flylady.net and got it down pat with a perfect house and garden.

Fell in love with my husband.

*Decided we were "strong enough" to move back to Cali amidst the pressure of family where Brando could work for my Dad.

Rented out our house.

*Again with the perfectness, every box was labeled and to a T. What we didn't put into storage we took with us. Cue horrendous argument on the road trip to Cali - that should've been a sign.

Moved to Cali for a year.

*Moved in with our parents so we could afford to live in Cali and fell completely apart relationally. While the situation was ideal with grandparents to watch the kids whenever we rarely took advantage of it as they were busy watching the other grandchildren whose parents did take advantage of it. We spent all the way more money than we'd ever earned on eating out and painting pottery just to have moments to ourselves.

Moved back to Texas.

*Cried for three months about how lonely I was and missed family. Finally pulled myself up by the boot straps and reached out.

Found the best girlfriends in the entire world.

*Partied my heart out, partly to figure out what it was like, partly to find myself, and partly to stay in my relationship without having to be in it.

Fell in love with my husband once again.

*Realized how many jerks and losers there are out there, amongst my girlfriends and their relationships, guys out and about at night, and realized once again what an amazing man is in my life and how grateful I am to have him.

Sold our house.

*Paid off $20,000 of debt with our equity.

Bought another house.

*Used Brando's pull as a real estate agent to have only $5000 down then spent the next year crying because I was lonely for my girlfriends so close to our old place.

Rented it out.

*Realized my husband would and will do anything for me, and discovered amongst the tears that having a quiet at home life where I spent the majority with my honey and family, not my friends, might be what I want after all.

Fell in love with my husband all over again.

*Eeeked out a balance with friends and going out, discovered that as I age life isn't going to get any easier lest I pour my heart into and decided I want to pour my heart into our family and starting a business together that will take up every second of our free time and decided that the free time I have left over I want to spend with my honey and my family.

Starting a business with my honey.

*Who knows what this bullet point is or will be, maybe it's my back, maybe it's the contractions we are going through as we figure out how to work together, but that's the beauty of life. There really is a rainbow after the hurricane, along with the clear air, rebuilding better than before the damage, and using bug repellent of confidence, determination, and enthusiasm for the annoying mosquitoes of doubt, insecurity, and failure.

Chiro

Yesterday the chiro doc said he wanted me to be at 80%-100% better by the time he's done with treatment. Yesterday I was at 80%. This morning I woke up at 50%, ate breakfast and am now at 80%. WAHOO. I didn't even take the Advil. I can't stand how loopy it makes me. I was a little scared when I woke up this am and didn't feel as good as yesterday, though. So now I'm super happy I'm at 80% again and off to do laundry. Feels SO good to be able to do normal, upkeep things. The boys and Brando have been awesome about picking up my slack, though, so it's not overwhelming.

What a day

I discovered I *am* superwoman, after being so adamant that I didn't want to be :) .

SO much happened today, only a bullet list will do it justice:

*Had an appointment with a chiropractor this morning for my back and was scared sh*tless - last time I had a chiropractor crack my back I was in MISERY until I went to the doctor and had muscle relaxants and pain killers. This time I went the opposite route and have still been in misery. I finally realized the chiropractor more than likely DID help last time - but my muscles were adjusting so they were sore until my back healed. I've got to do a whole post on this guy over on PSD, but, in short, he was amazing. Found out some interesting things and he cracked EVERYthing. I was still nervous as heck and he told me to take 4 advil, which I haven't yet because I had to drop Justinbustin off to go camping later and didn't want to be loopy, which leads me to...

*Stopped by Costco to see about getting some kind of liquid I will actually drink on a regular basis since I told the doc that I drink three diuretics (tea, coffee, wine) and water - and I only guzzle it then, all of which is apparently giving me muscle spasms like crazy, since yeah, my muscles don't actually have the water they're made of. Hmm.

*Ate lunch at Costco

*Washed my car

*Picked the boys up from school

*Brought the boys home, set Justinbustin to packing

*Groomed the dog - and by groomed I mean, bathe, haircut with the buzzers, nail trim, and eyes cleaned

*Cleaned up above mess

*Drove in an hour and a half of traffic to drop Justinbustin off

*Drove away and got a flat about three miles away

*Started in on putting on the spare myself since I couldn't get a hold of Brando and my bro-in-law was being grumpy and I told him don't worry about helping if he was so grumpy

*So relieved when my bro-in-law called and apologized for being a "selfish jerk" (his words) and asked if he could please come up help SHawners and I

*Learned how to put on a spare tire, thanks to him teaching us when he got there

*Appreciated the help of the guy whose driveway we pulled into when he came out (doh! totally didn't think of knocking on the door - but who knows it could've been totally strange people)

*Met Brando at Costco, got new tires on the car and two new storage ottomans/gorgeous coffee tables for a STEAL

*Grocery shopped at Costco while we were at it

*Came home, set up the coffee tables and moved the old coffee table to the garage

*And I'm STILL going - usually ANYthing I j did besides sit at the computer or be driven around by Brando knocked me exhausted and miserable onto my bed - I'm so glad I decided to go ahead and have the chiropractor adjust me today. I met with him yesterday and had the x-rays today and was wary about being adjusted, but after reseeing my old chiropractor experience in that new light, I decided to go ahead and get it done asap. He also has a physical therapy setup in his office so I did some physical therapy afterwards. I'm not completely ache free, but I am definitely not miserable and still completely functional. Oh, and the chiro doc said I could do swimming, biking, hiking, walking - low impact activities, just no weights. Fine by me - I don't do weights any way (unless you count the weights of what it takes to maintain a household of four).

*Side note on the x-rays - my booty CRACK showed up on the low back x-ray. Wha-what?! Are you serious?! SO embarrassing, lol, but I got over it after jokingly putting my hand over it after I asked him, "Is that my booty ?" He said he doesn't even see it anymore - sure@ Embarrassing note aside, I totally didn't think skin showed up on x-ray!

I apologize for any typos. My contacts are blurring up and I can't see the screen! Off to bed and to take them out!

Energy

Having a conversation with my BF, KT.

I've been talking to her about spending energy and making the choice where we spend it. Whether on family, career, guys, hobbies. We invest our emotional energy into what we desire to happen in our lives. Five years ago I invested my emotional energy into being able to go out and party, to have girlfriends, to get out and enjoy life, to travel in what capacity I could. And it happened. Boy, did it happen. And I enjoyed five of the best years of my life. I did what I wanted to do, I enjoyed the hell out of it, and I have reaped the benefits of investing my energy with incredible girlfriends.

Now I want to invest my emotional energy in something new. I'm not sure how to balance what I already have with what I want. But I realize what my desire is and I want it, and I want to invest my emotional energy in it to make it happen. I want to start a business with Brando. I want to have that something personal to invest our time into. Something that we can work on together in the long run. Something that will support us, and allow us to be together.

"Once you find your real passions in life you're not going to want to go out with your friends every other night and go party... It's all about being content, and being okay with your feelings. Allowing yourself to heal." -KT

I talked to her about making a choice and a decision then being patient for that decision and doing the right thing to make that choice and decision happen the best way you know how, then somehow we got on the analogy of marathons. How you have to make the choice to run a marathon, then start the training for it, and then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to make it across the finish line. What a perfect analogy for life, really. In life you have to have the desire and make the choice to do what you can do to make that desire happen, you have to train for whatever the desire is, then once you get there you still have to pace yourself to cross the finish line.

KT just told me when we went hiking together with Shawners last year, when he was having a super tough time continuing on, it was hot, and we'd chosen to hike way too long of a hike for an eight year old, and he was breaking down, I told him, "When things gets hard, that's when you have to work the hardest, and if you push through it, you feel awesome and rewarded at the end." I love that she remembered I said that because I certainly didn't remember I said that, and I love that she told me she remembered that. She mentioned she wondered if he thought of that as he was running his marathon last week, and ran each week throughout the year, and how he finally felt that reward at the end of running through the finish line, not even having to stop to get his medal and how that was the best part for him. Maybe he did think of that subconsciously. Brando hears things all the time and subconsciously acts on them as a result. I tend to be more conscious about the things I hear and act upon, but I wonder if he subconsciously thought of that.

"Those people are going to love and support you throughout the times that are really hard and the changes you make, especially the changes you make to better yourself." -KT

One of the realizations I had just now while talking to KT, as well as a combination of doing a survey Teagan had on her blog about how anxious and avoiding we are with the most important people in our lives (mother, father, husband, best friend), was I have been avoiding telling my friends my decision that I no longer have the energy to go out and do the things I used to do with them because I want to put that energy elsewhere because I'm afraid they won't be there for me. All along I've been thinking in black and white terms, that I will have to give up my friends in order to have this new desire in my life.

"You gave me a wake up call, when I was dating Jasen and it was an epiphany for me. It was when I was spending every single day with him and not putting any of my energy towards family and friends. One thing you said completely changed my outlook. I was like wow this girl is my best friend and one of the most important things in my life besides my family. It makes me realize how important friends are. A friend told me when you are older and have your career you will be able to count the true friends that you have on the palm of your hand, and that is so true. And people need to be more okay with." -KT

After talking to KT I realize it's not black and white. It doesn't have to be that way. While I'm realizing I can't be and don't want to be super woman and do it all, I want to make choices to have certain things in my life and invest the energy towards those things. At the same time, the friends that are truly my friends will completely support me in those decisions and be there for me all along and there is no reason to waste all the energy I've already invested into their lives and they into mine. For my part, I have to be honest with them, and with myself, that if I am honest with them and they choose not to be there that I am okay with that, and have to take that chance so that the friends who are truly my friends have the opportunity to continue to be there alongside of me as they want to be, whether I have energy to go out with them or not.

"By the way you've done an excellent job evaluating - sometimes you have to evaluate things in black and white. I've been texting you more because I realize you've needed that time to evaluate. Because only you know what's best for you. Your real friends are going to support you throughout your decisions, when you need to take on the opinion of yourself. Sometimes their opinion isn't needed so that you can take on your own. Doesn't mean you have to completely rib the opinions of others out of your life completely, and not take the advice of others. But there are times that you need to just take the advice of you and yourself . The rewards you get from that are more rewarding than anything else and the epiphanies you get from that self-evaluation are more important than any other advice you can get from any else, not that the opinions from others aren't important on what to do, but it's easier to get opinions from others than do the self-evaluation and find and follow your own opinion." -KT

One of the most rewarding conversations I have ever had with KT was just now when I told her I prayed for Brando before I knew him. That was a hard conversation for me to have with her, because she does not believe in God. But I do. I told her I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately and that I pray to God because I believe he is the only One. One of the Bible verses I grew up with was, "God will give you the desires of your heart." and time and time again I come back to that in prayer. I told her one of the important things about prayer that I've been realizing is that it clarifies our desires so when they confront us we recognize them and can make the choice to accept them and do what we need to do to have them in our lives. After I had Justinbustin, I prayed that God would give him a father before he was old enough to remember, because I couldn't handle him growing up without a father and then having some guy come into his life and be like, oh, hey, by the way, this is your Dad. I couldn't handle that and so I prayed that God would give Justinbustin a father before he was old enough to remember. And when Brando came along, I realized it. I realized he was the right one. He respected his mother, his mother respected his father, his mother called herself grandmother to Justinbustin before Brando and I had even been dating a week. I realized he was the one and I did what I had to do to make it happen. I told her I wasn't in love with him when I married him. I wasn't in love with him until almost two years later. Now I am head over heels butterfly in my stomach takes my breath away in love with him. But that's TEN YEARS LATER. The day I married him I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "R o s e, what are you doing?" I realized I wasn't in love with him, but I also realized he was the right man for me and I made the choice to marry him for that reason. My word, I could not have imagined the benefits that came from that decision.

After all I've said in this post, I realize I need to spend some time in prayer right now for the desires of my heart. I desire to have that something personal where we invest our time into together, to build a company with Brando where we can work together to support our family, where family time is priority, yet we have the gumption and the determination to realize that in order to have family time as priority we have to work together and no amount of arguing and clawing at each other's throats will get us there. Only communication, realization, learning, soaking in wise counsel, and working towards that goal together.

I feel like I slept over at my boyfriend's house last night

Brando and I went to an event he photographed for last night. I met him halfway between home and his work and dumped everything I had in his car (camera, purse, cover up, sandals for when my feet got sore), then proceeded to empty the contents of my purse in his trunk so I could fit my new to me but his old camera in there inconspicuously. We had an absolute fantabulous time and when we got home last night I tried to salvage my purse contents from his trunk. Unfortunately, I missed a few things - mainly, my wallet and the garage remote. Oopsies! I totally feel like I slept over at my boyfriend's house last night and left half my things there. Good thing my boyfriend's hot and lives with me.

Beautiful Sunday

As I sit here on Valentine's Day morning with my fresh cup of coffee and Brando's famous fruit salad, my heart is bursting with the fun of Saturday.

But, Sunday was amazing in it's own right. I'm not one to sit by the sidelines and let life pass me by - usually I take the reins and make sure things happen. So being down and under this week with my back has thrown me for a loop. This weekend I had to lay low - between my back and all the meds I just didn't have the energy to get us doing activities like I normally do. Saturday turned out amazing, thanks to Brando.

Sunday all I wanted to do was say good-bye to my girlfriend who is leaving for a month. I didn't expect us to do anything else, because normally I would be the one to plan that and I didn't for the aforementioned reasons. Brando did take me to say good-bye to my friend. We picked her up and meandered over to a beautiful grassy area in the middle of town where you can see the skyline. Her and I walked to the top of a hill to see the backdrop of the skyline with the grassy area all around us, then I dropped her back off where she needed to meet up with another friend, while the boys stayed and played.

While I was dropping my friend off, the boys discovered an impromptu circus. The performers had brought all their toys out to play - silk ropes, wheels that you stand on and pedal, tight ropes, hula hoops hanging from a tree, and more. My friend and I had seen them from atop the hill, but didn't think about asking what they were up to. The boys and Brando had been brave enough to ask, and when I got back were playing away.

We spent the next three hours there pedaling on the wheels, climbing up the silk ropes (well, the boys did - I would have if my back was not injured and almost did any way until Brando reminded me that I had just said I was at the point where my back is okay but if I do anything to strain it it feels like it would go right back), and hula hooping in the tree.

The boys also found out they meet every Sunday there. I pride myself on researching the heck out of my town and knowing every little in and out, but you just can't research things like this - groups of people spontaneously gathering to share their art. Letting go and letting Brando figure out what to do as a family was a new thing for me, and I would've taken the reins if I had the energy. But now I see what can happen with a little spontaneity and Brando taking the lead, and am more apt to let him take the lead more often.

Best Valentines Ever

*Brando got us a couples' massage

*As soon as we got out of the massage my bestie was there with flowers and chocolate and the sweetest card ever since my back has been hurting. Totally ESP as normal - she had just been about to leave to take them to my house when Brando and I walked out of the massage room. We roll like that.

*Brando got me six months of massages - best Valentines present EVAH

*We went to IKEA and bought our very first decorations together as a couple. We bought a large mirror to put over the armoire in our bedroom, along with a turquoise vase, a white B (totally random that IKEA had that), and black and dark ocean blue candles. Can't wait to show it off when it's all done! It already looks gorgeous sitting up there where Brando put it, even though it's still in it's packaging. So much fun picking them out together. Plus, we took pictures of all the IKEA rooms we liked - love that!

*Went to dinner at our Valentine's Day staple, NXNW, where I had plenty o' wine.

*Brando took me on a shopping spree to Hot Topic where I got the cutest dress, grey and blue cami dress for the night of Valentine's Day, an adorable black pleated miniskirt, a cuff bracelet, and an awesome scarf/belt/strange thing with tiny metal chains hanging off it that I can't wait to throw around an outfit. Then to top it off he surprised me with a lovebird necklace I fell in love with. Totally spoiled.

*Watched Just Go With It at the Alamo - a dinner theatre - with more wine for me and beer for him. Loved the movie and laughed way more than I thought I would.

*Came home and crawled into bed to prepare for a beautiful day today.

The Little Moments

*Brando singing Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" to me when I ask him anything about how I look

*Dancing with my boys when Shawners danced to the radio outside the car when I picked him up from school, and when Justinbustin danced to the song playing on my computer. My favorite part is the spontaneity with which they break out into dance when they hear a song. I didn't do that as a kid and I LOVE that they do, and of course I dance with them. This afternoon when Justinbustin and I were dancing I said, "I love dancing with you guys." and he says, "I love it, too." Melt my heart.

*Being able to pick up and clean my house. I didn't know I could be so grateful for something so mundane, but being able to do it is a blessing.

*Brando setting up a couples' massage for him and I with my favorite masseuse for me. If nothing else good came out of me being in bed on my back the last week, this stands alone by itself. What a treat.

*Having good conversations with Justinbustin about schoolwork and setting up the perimeters of certain projects in school needing his full attention to details and other projects that aren't very important just need the requirements met and neat handwriting. I told him to let me know which category a project falls into so that I don't stress him out about schoolwork. I want him so desperately to know, "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." Ecclesiastes 9:10, but the truth is certain projects in school just aren't worth your energy at the expense of other projects. And I can see the stress I put on him when I try to emphasize those unimportant subjects at the cost of the projects (and extracurricular) activities that DO matter.

*Our old, torn courch finding a new home in the garage as a hangout for the local neighborhood kids and the boys as they put the space heater on, play their DS, bike around, play ball, play music, and chat. I didn't think we would be the local hang out for the kids as we don't have a game room or anything big for them to hang out. I am so grateful the couch gives them a place to hang out, and a garage full of toys gives them a desire to hang at our place.

*Watching my little man in the bathtub having a blast with only two cups, and realizing that he is about to pass the moment of innocence where he plays so happily in the bathtub saying, "Mommy, come here!" every two seconds to show me a new trick he discovered, and thereby enjoying every second of seeing his new made up tricks while I still can.

I'm Officially an Honor Student

I just completed my first honors class AND my first public speaking.

WHOO!!! *jumping around* *pattting self on back* *gleeful clap* go ME!!

Sooooooo freaking proud of myself. I almost dropped the class twice. Not for the honors aspect, but the public speaking aspect. Terrifies me so much so that I feared more than once I would fall over from shaking. Once I did lock my knees. That was not good.

But I got through it. I accomplished my goal of becoming confident to the point where I could give a speech if somebody asked me to. Now, hopefully, no one asks me, but if they did, I could do it and would kick it's ass.

Some things I learned about me as a speaker:

-I love to give lots of information...

Oh, what the heck, I'll just put up the final assignment by the public speaker so you can read for yourself:

1.) Discuss what you learned about yourself in the whole of the semester in
general.

This semester I learned that stressing over school is not worth the physical toll it takes on me, and that it's okay to take a break if need be with as much as is on my plate.

2.) Discuss what you learned about yourself in this class.

In this class I learned I like to be very factual and informational. I learned I would rather be quiet than speak on something I have not yet researched.

3.) Discuss what you discovered/learned from other people in this class.

In this class I learned from other people that each person has their own speaking style, and that each style is wonderful and unique to that person and the message they have to deliver.

4.) What do you honestly think you made in this course, in other words what
would you give yourself as a grade if you could grade your self-be
realistic! Base your answer on how hard you tried/what you put into it,
grades you have made, participation, attendance-have you missed a lot & why,
improvements as the course went along in your skills, et. Anything else your
grade should be based on?

I would give myself an A+ in this class based on the immense effort I have put into creating speeches that contain as much information as I can fit into it, the grades I have made (all A's, except for one B+), near perfect attendance, and the improvement in my speaking confidence, lessening of nerves, and belief in myself that I could actually give a speech if called upon, none of which I would've thought possible before I began this class.

5.) Final Thoughts:

This has been a very interesting class to take. There were several times I considered dropping it as the sheer amount of stress the idea of speaking has put on me has not been pleasant. However, my goal in taking a speech class was to become more confident in my speaking ability and be able to have the confidence to actually be able to take advantage of other speaking opportunities in my life if need be. I feel like I have accomplished that goal, and would be willing and prepared to speak at other venues if the situation called for it, and be able to speak well.

Part II-
1.) Formulate a general question about communication at large. Just ask the question. In can be general or specific.

My question about communication at large is: how can communication become more effective in relaying the true meaning to others?

Formulate a general question about public speaking at large. Just ask the question. In can be general or specific, or relate to specific problem.
My question about public speaking at large is: what is the best way to communicate your subject to your audience through public speaking?

2.) Briefly discuss how you have grown as a speaker. Then list 3 things you feel you do well as a speaker.

I have grown as a speaker in confidence in both my speaking ability, speech writing, and selection and development of subject matter. As a speaker, I believe I relay information well, maintain eye contact with each member of the audience well, and deliver a conclusion that leaves an emotional impact.

3.) List at least three additional tips to giving a speech.

Three additional tips to giving a speech are: deliver your speech with enthusiasm, connect with your audience through purposeful eye contact, gestures, and body language, and say thank you and walk away from the podium when done with your speech.

4.) What is the most important element in the introduction?

The most important element in the introduction is the speaker's connection to the topic.

And the professor's email response:
"Thanks for being such an amazing student. And thanks for, I think, finally believing me that you ARE, in fact, a really good speaker! I am SO VERY glad that you did not drop. I would have been crushed. Seriously."

Go Me

Pretty proud of myself for writing this letter to Brando angry yet being totally constructive. Prior to this I had sent him another email detailing the events of my day (see post below). The all caps in the very beginning is because I had just spoke with him on the phone and we had gotten angry with each other and hung up.

Subject: What I want

AS I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE, I want to help us eat healthier. I want to pack the boys' lunches every week. I want to shop and cook for four good sized meals each Tuesday night. I want to decorate our home to have something I feel is worth keeping pretty every day. I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS. But I don't feel like I can do them with you. When I focus even a little on those things you act like I am doing something for the first time in my life and I DESPISE that feeling. That feeling makes my skin crawl. When I have that to look forward to instead of your support, help in other areas, ideas, guidance, and appreciation, it makes it an almost insurmountable goal.

With not doing school this next semester, I would like to focus on these things more. However, I REFUSE TO DO SO if all I am going to get (besides eating healthy and having a pretty house) is complaints about 1) how much I am spending, 2) how much I didn't do before, and 3) how perfect I am now that I am doing these things.

You have DIFFERENT FOCUSES AND GOALS THAN ME. It is important to you to make money, be the breadwinner, have a hobby that you can invest in be it photography, organizing our budget, watching specific tv shows, or leading cub scouts. It is important to me to continually grow, raise the boys in the way that they should go, support you, feed the boys healthy and teach them to eat healthy through doing so, enjoy life and new experiences with you, the boys, and myself. THESE are my goals. NOT making the house pretty. Your goal is NOT to make as much money as you can, and if I were to put that pressure on you and ONLY appreciate you when you did so, that would be unfair of me. You are putting pressure on me to ONLY make the house pretty, and that is unfair of YOU.

You're right, we are not other couples. We are US. And it is time for us to ACCEPT that, own business, beautiful house, high income, house perfect every day, or no. It is time for us to appreciate us for who we ARE and work TOGETHER towards what we WANT to be, not AGAINST each other. It is time for us to stop holding the past against each other. You are the man I met TODAY, the one that I blogged about who is amazing with kids and adorable sitting at a table playing games with them in order to stay connected to his kids' lives and be there for his son at his youngest son's request, the man who requested to be in another classroom contrary to his schedule just so he could be with his older son who didn't express the desire for him to be but who he cares enough about to be there anyway, the man who came home and immediately cleaned out the garage's stinky poop in an amazingly quick manner, the man who immediately figures out how to run errands, make sure our mortgage is paid, and does them with amazing initiative. I am the woman you met TODAY, the one who packed lunches for 45 minutes, studied for an exam that she had amazing notes whilst doing previously emailed list, took said exam, kicked it's booty amazingly, treated her arm condition holistically, said hi to a friend she hasn't seen in months for five minutes because she is an awesome amazing friend who would go thirty minutes out of the way to be there just to give a hug to someone she cares about, went to the boys school to do a weekly event of Wednesday folders and talk to the teachers to stay involved and connected in our boys' lives outside of our home, and came home to do the list I just emailed you on top of writing these two emails, and researching what a reasonable monthly budget amount might be. I am THAT woman, and you are THAT man.

It is time for us to accept and expect who we are NOW. Because we are pretty awesome. And we could do so much TOGETHER.

*end of email*

His response? You're amazing.