Last night I came across this picture. I've seen it before in the sense of being a picture that inspired a girl to become a photographer. Today, it inspired me to be a better person.
This morning I woke up to my boys breaking down the fort they had built to completely cover their room two months ago and have been sleeping in since. Except for the one time Brando and I got into a fight over them breaking it down or not. Brando wanted it broke down for school to start - I wanted it to stay. I loved that 3/4 of their room couldn't be messed up because it was covered in blankets and their little "cubby holes". I loved that they could leave their bedroom door open and have it still be quiet because they were tucked away talking or playing games inside their fort - and not wrestling and throwing things like they normally do. Oh, life with boys, I love it.
I told them something they hate to hear, but I tell them any way because my sister told her three boys and they are the sweetest brothers I have ever met. "Blessed are brethren that dwell together in unity, and you are dwelling together in unity." In the midst of me telling them against their cries of, "Mo-om, we know, we know." I say, "I just want you to know I am blessed and you are blessed." Shawners retorts, "My Mom is blessed." I reply, "Thank God!! I am so happy for that!" and he retorts, "My ancestors are blessed!" to which I also reply, "Wow, that's awesome. Thank God! I am really happy for that!" That child. I want to pinch his cheeks from cuteness sometimes.
On the way to drop Shawners off at school Justinbustin went with me so I could drop him off early so he could clean and practice his trombone before his lesson today. Justinbustin starts talking about how he wants to move Shawner's dresser out of his "room" and put a hammock in there. Shawners immediately starts an outcry, "Justinbustin always gets the BEST stuff." To which I replied with a very proud mommy moment - one that made me feel like a parent.
I got on my wise parent soapbox and told him, "You know, I used to feel that way about my sister. That was part of the reason I moved away from California 'cause I couldn't figure out how to get out from under that. Then I moved here and I got a house, we had you guys, we had a garden, we had a dog and my sister would say, 'Your life is so perfect, I wish I had that.' Then we moved to California for a year and came back to Texas and we moved to our apartment and all of a sudden she had a house, and a garden, and the dogs and I wanted what she had. But you know what? I'm happy for her. I'm happy she has what she has because I trust that the Lord has good things in store for us - maybe that, or maybe something else. He has good things in store for us right now - Dad and I still being together, amazing schools both of you boys are blessed to go too, the same view that the million dollar houses across the canyon have. Over time, I've realized I can't live my life being upset over not having what she has or vice versa, I can only be happy for her and be happy for myself when those things come and with the amazing blessings I do have."
He was quiet afterwards, so I am hoping that it sunk in a little. This is a true heartfelt struggle for me, and part of the reason for my text last night to my sister. I was looking outward, instead of looking inward and upward.
This morning before that conversation, as I sat on my porch drinking my coffee my husband made for me this morning after I simply asked him last night, and watched the colors of the sky change as the sun rose, I read this verse, "I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation." Ps13:5, I realized I have trusted in your mercy - when I got pregnant with Justinbustin, when I married Brando, and my heart has rejoiced in your merciful salvation each of those times, and my heart will trust in your salvation now and I will trust in your mercy now because it will come, and it has come in ways I haven't noticed, just as it did then. He is an amazing God, powerful beyond our belief of a mustard seed, and all I need to do is have that faith of a mustard seed.
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