We bought a house last August. I hate it. It's far away from town, in the middle of hillbillies, suburbia, a HUGE expense (not the mortgage, the upkeep), and far enough away from my girlfriends and people actually our age, the toll road to get to town quickly costs a buttload (read at least $1200 since we've moved here, on top of mortgage and gas costs) and when we don't take it it feels like we live in the boonies. I cried during the closing. I wore sunglasses to hide the tears. Brando felt like we needed to get out of the apartment we were in as the rent was going up, and through a series of back and forth events (between deciding on an apartment, then renting a house, then buying a house that was closer but too small and too old, then buying this house or another house just as far away but close to a girl I have decided not to have a relationship with because she judges me for going out with my girlfriends, then back to buying this house). Brando told me we were not staying in the apartment any longer. Ironically, he thought we couldn't it would be smarter financially to buy instead of keep paying the high rent we were paying. The part of me that thought we shouldn't be living in an apartment and should have a house, because that's what families do, didn't allow the other part of me to resist. As a result, the boys school situation, my emotional health, and our finances have been in turmoil.
As far as the boys school, the boys had to switch schools so we wouldn't be spending 45 minutes twice a day driving them to and from school. They got the bottom of the barrel teachers at the new school. Justinb's teacher doesn't acknowledge I am there when I eat lunch with him. I have emailed her and not received responses. In order not to be "that person" and not make her despise my son, I have stopped trying to communicate with her. Justinb seems okay, at least, and as long as he is, I suppose my communication with her can stay where it's at. Shawner's teacher can not finish a sentence to save her life. She is nice enough, but her sentences to me most often start with, "Well, you know..." and then she doesn't say anything else. I'm not sure how she teaches. Shawners seems okay as well, and for that I am also grateful. He is much more unruly than last year, which leads me to believe her lack of firmness may lead to an undisciplined classroom, which irks me. But I don't allow it at home, and that's all I can do.
As far as my emotions, my emotional health was completely undermined when we moved. Signing those papers through tears and then having daily panic attacks again made me question every decision I've made since that point. I almost went on medication, but then my doctor told me I didn't have to fit the suburbian mold - I could go and live my old life with my girlfriends, and still go to the pool with the boys and those same girls, and I did. That knowledge, ability, gave me a tiny bit of power back over my own life and comforted me, and for the first three or four months I was gone 5-6 nights out of the week trying to not fall into a deep depression. Even still, I folded into an indecisive ball of fear. I started counseling a few months ago again and I've been getting better. The counselor confirmed my already suspecting thought that the move to this house was so shocking and so opposite of what I wanted that I'm questioning every other little decision I make, even insignificant ones.
As far as our finances, they have gone completely down the drain. We were FINALLY getting ahead, paying a little extra off on the credit cards, not using them, and having money for weekend trips here and there. Since last August, when we moved here, our $0 balance Discover card has gone up to $5000+ with toll bills, our trip to Hawaii (another indecisive choice I made - last year when we made the trip, we had the costs covered in one way or another, and this year if I had been conscious and not beaten down emotionally, I would've made sure we had a trip that was JUST as fun, but less costly than Hawaii - overall, Hawaii was FABULOUS, and I'm not sad we went, it's just the decision to do the high cost Hawaii trip versus pouring the work into a just as much fun California road trip reflects the emotional state I've been in). We are going backwards, at a fast rate. I'm hoping the move will stem the flow, but we will have some catching up to do.
We leased our house out, and our move date is the 22nd of this month. We don't have a new place picked out. We have limited options to get the kids back to the school which worked well for them. To move back to our old apartments would mean Shawners would possibly not be able to go that school as his grade is full and the boys would be attending on a transfer. There are three other apartment options around the school. Unfortunately, the housing costs are too high to rent a house. It is coming down to the wire and I am stressed wondering where we are going to end up. But I'm conscious. I can think. I'm not crying. I'm not working through my tears to try and pack us up. I'm not in shock mode. And I like that. We'll see where we end up after that.
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