Torn

My parents are leaving today and I am once again torn as to why I am here in Tex*s in the first place. Family means SO much, but at the same time I feel like a small, miniaturized, stepped on version of myself around them. Scratch that. I don't even feel like myself around them. I feel like somebody who I despise, hate, and could never live up to their expectations or even be somebody they admire. They have always looked up to my sister, whether she takes their money, goes to jail, or whatnot, and I somehow fall in the background no matter what I do living this thing called life. I guess being here has compounded that fact, as it seems every other sentence is about how wonderful my sister and her kids are while they wonder why I'm going to school. I feel subpar, not good enough. I HATE that feeling and it's not right. That's why I'm here in Tex*s, I guess. So I can live without feeling guilty for trying to do right by my kids, husband, self, and friends. So I can live with feeling like I'm a good person for being exactly who I am, not someone everyone else wants me to be.

I love my parents being here, though. They do always push me to do the right thing (while haloing my sister who does the opposite), and I appreciate that. They push my kiddos to have character, and I love that. They help out monetarily and they spend time with me, which I adore. Quality time is definitely my love language and they definitely make quality time a priority - whether it be eating out, taking the kids to Austin's Parks N Pizza, shopping - the priority is the time together, not the activity. I love that. And when they're in California, I miss that, and my kids miss that.

Thus, I'm torn.