Torn

Disclaimer: This is a totally rambling, jumbled thoughts post. Not meant for much except to get my thoughts out.

Photos.

They make everything seem happy.

Long ago I told myself I would not take photos when the moments weren't truly happy, so that I wouldn't look back on them and think that moment was happy when it was truly ugly.

So, yes, all my photos depict happy moments.

BUT I feel like they depict a perfect life to other people.

I can't stand liars. They are the one person I will immediately put my guard up with because if you're lying to someone else, what's to keep you from lying to me?

I feel like I am lying to people when I put up my photos that a lot of people think depicts a perfect life.

You don't know my struggles (well, you do, because you're here, lol, but I'm talking about them).

You don't know what it took for us to get out of the house that day in a good mood, riding all the bumps on the way.

You don't know that I don't shop like you might.

You don't know that I struggle with staying home because I feel like I don't have the energy to work and keep my relationship and still be a good parent.

You don't know that this wasn't some magical moment, but a moment caught on the side of an apartment building for fifteen minutes after we just ate lunch at our favorite inexpensive In N Out like burger place in town.

Yet somehow making the photos is magical and perfect.

Taking them when we are happy makes them magical and perfect.

It doesn't matter if it's a quick run out to the pool, or a five minute run through the arboretum, or a fancy event where I get to dress up.

Taking them when we are happy makes them magical and perfect.

I struggle with this lately.

Lately, it's a struggle to take photos at all.

I haven't figured out if it's a result of the above - a) not wanting people to think my life is magically perfect, or if, on the other hand, b) it's a struggle to have those happy moments to take photos in.

I really think a is causing b.

c) I don't put effort into it anymore because I realize people will just think everything in life is just hunky dory, including myself.

That's the funny part. Including myself.

d) Instead of working on things to actually make our life better and progress, I am happy with these photos as a sign that things are progressing.

So maybe a and c (as a result of d) are causing b.

Ha, I'm totally working my thoughts out here on paper. Because I really WANT to take photos like that again.

But I don't want d to happen, and I don't want a to happen. Even though I realize (or am beginning to, because really I don't fully realize it) I have no control over a.

Part of the reason I don't want a to happen is because people treat me differently.

They gush over me.

They don't give me room to vent my heartaches or be 'normal' around them.

They don't ask me questions.

They just assume everything is perfect in my life.

And now I'm realizing so much of this is coming from that darn hurtful relationship that fell apart a year or two ago now.

GAH. Just when I think I'm over it, it comes back and slaps me in the face by messing with EVERYthing in my head.

Maybe we're all guilty of a, but this person was the one who treated me differently. This is the one who assumed everything was perfect in my life and held it against me.

Funny it took this much of writing to get to this.

Regardless, this is the way it is right now. So maybe I should just ignore the fact that it's related to her and go back to moving forward with where my thoughts are now.

Yes, I think that is wise.

'Cause really maybe it really doesn't have much to do with her at all,  with only that situation intensifying my thoughts, like here. 

I think that I will talk to Brando about all this and see what he thinks about moving forward. And even see where he is at with photography any more.

Warning! More rambling realizations coming on.
Okay, just went back through all my old posts (this is why I LOVE having a blog) and noticed I started taking a downturn around June of last year. This makes me realize I've been through a lot this last year. Both Brando and I losing our childhood homes (this post about my MIL moving literally leads the turning point of happy, carefree me you can tell by my tone to depressed, dark, what the f*ck is happening me in all my posts), me turning 30 (this probably affects me more than I'll admit), my back issues for four months out of the year last year, a shift of focus from my girlfriends to my husband (this one isn't necessarily hard, I'm not sure what it is and will probably have another rambling post about that one soon). My entire life as I know it in California has changed, and while we spent a week last August adjusting to the new changes and creating WONDERFUL new memories, I think I am realizing I am still mourning that old life, the one I was familiar and comfortable with. And, unlike my life here, I can't rent out the house I just bought and hate and move back to my old comfort spot. Those lives aren't mine and I can't control where they live or what they do, not that I can always control mine. Holy sh*t, I can't believe I didn't recognize how much her moving, and then my parents moving afterwards has affected me. Actually, I can. I covered it up, and was 'strong' for them so my actions wouldn't change what they needed to do for themselves (my Mom actually told me, if you and Brando plan on moving back here next year [now this year] we need to keep this place so you guys have somewhere to stay) and I told her don't change your plans on account of us. Only, I kind of wish she did. 'Cuz then I'd have a home to go back to. Brando's Mom's place is slowly becoming home, but we have only had a week of memories there. I can't wait to create more memories there, and it won't necessarily be this time, because we will be visiting my parents then off to Tahoe for four or so days where we will create amazing memories there.

I miss home. Our homes. And I can't believe how it's affected me (although, I should, seeing as how much our move to Leander through me for a loop. At least I was honest about that one, so I realized what was happening, even though I didn't want to admit it).


I almost don't want to post this, but I do for my own sake of realizing what is going on in my head with me.