Sometimes

I wish I could start over.

New friends (only I love mine, but hate the commitment I feel to be who I've been and said I will be with them).

New job (this would mean a job period).

New city (only I would want it to be near family this time).

New living space (one that doesn't involve living with every little thing that goes wrong because we don't have or want to spend the money to fix it).

New slate (preferrably one where I already attended college and earned a degree).

Thought of the Moment

Why do we put so much faith in each other to make our lives happy? Why can't we just make our own happy by doing what it is we know we need to do?

Sux

He makes me feel like I always complain.

I don't.

I loved the apartments.

I hate this house.

I love having a purpose.

I hate having too much downtime.

These are things I can fix, but not with out his "permission" so to speak. I have to be a stay at home mom while he's working 40 hours a week and we have no family support to watch the kids. I have to be in this house while we wait for it to rent out. I'm not complaining. I hate it. And I can't wait for it to change.

Comment turned post... (or email!)

Left this on ...lovemaegan's most recent post and thought I would post it here since it says exactly where I'm at:

I'm so glad to have discovered you during this time. Reading about your anxiety and thoughts makes me feel better about mine. Anxiety is such a crazy thing that I can't seem to pull myself away from except thru depression which I also hate! But hearing somebody else deal with it, especially someone who is so creative, reminds me I will be okay. We all will. We just have to get through and make sure and do what our heart desires. For you, that's getting into a house. For me, it's getting out of one. I can't WAIT to get out of our house and back into the city and the community of our old apartments. And back to the amazing school my boys went to. Long comment to say I love reading your thoughts while I'm going through the same thing, different version.

I love...

being able to explain to my children that z + z equals 2z and that pie is a number that keeps on going and never repeats, and that e stands for the number that best represents exponential growth.

While driving around looking at Christmas lights tonight (we forgot to do it before Christmas), Starbucks hot chocolates and vanilla lattes in hand, the boys were creating a code for the alphabet where each letter represents it's number in the order of the alphabet. A letter plus a letter equals a letter unless it is over 26, then you minus 26 and it equals the resulting number. Well, that sounds all fine and dandy, but we had to pull the rules out of our ten year old tooth and nail who was trying to explain that a + b = c but z + z = z . It was a half hour of conversation and fun including the aforementioned subjects along with it.

Those of you whose parents granted you the gift of education, be grateful that when your kids come to you with questions for homework you will have a vague sense of what they are talking about. When you haven't taken it (even if you slept through or missed class, you still had to cram and take the tests), you aren't even afforded the possibility of a vague idea. I LOVE having a vague idea, even a very solid idea, even with it being from going to school now.

Depression

I fight depression way more often than I'd like to admit. It often hits me the worst in times of high stress or when I feel like I have no purpose.

Take this morning for example. The boys are off from school and happily playing. I am off from school and so not stressed. Yet, last week, when I discovered we have $600 in toll tag fees I freaked out and immediately stopped spending any sort of money. Now I feel like there's no purpose.

One thing I have been trying to do to give myself a purpose is research transferring to a university. The amount of information available is so overwhelming I often have to stop shortly into it. I am bit by bit comprehending the information, though, and now just need to wait until the schools open again to meet with an advisor. In the meantime I am overwhelmed by the amount of information and feel like it will never get done.

And so here I sit. In pj's. Contemplating it never getting done. And not calling a friend who I told I would call this morning. Mostly because I don't know what we can do to hang out together that doesn't involve money.

Whew. Now I remember why I started blogging in the first place. It helps so much to get that all out on paper somewhere where it doesn't stay hidden in a file. I'm off to shower and get dressed.

Things I Want to Do for School

*Join Phi Theta Kappa, ACC's honor society

*Decide on a major

*Apply to schools in California - possibly Stanford

*Start a school organization for mothers in school