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Learning to stay positive

Despite the 'changes' my sister and I talked about with our relationship, she still unloads all the negative about our family I never get to see so once again I'm left hearing only negative about our family and not being able to have my own perspective because I wasn't there. Granted I wasn't strong enough to tell her STOP TALKING I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE ON OUR FAMILY, so here I am again feeling yukky and disillusioned. Now to figure how to go about after the fact telling her I don't want to hear anymore. Tell me something GOOD not everything that you think is messed up or wrong about our family.

Just texted her - she responded 'Sorry...' - works for me - yay! :

"Okay I don't want to hear any more negative about our family. Sorry I didn't catch the conversation in time to stop you. Got off the phone and cant shake this yukky feeling and realized I forgot to say I only want to hear the good! Think of the good stories and tell me the good!! I'm sure that was a lot of work for Abe regardless of how many showed up. Plus Aunt Jan has valuable life history to share - maybe she shared some? And Aunt Katy loves spending time with people. Plus you were on the gorgeous coastline with your hubby who was able to take the days off work. Lots of good things going on there!! I'm sure there were uncomfortable situations but that's life so unless you're looking for a way you can change the situation to make the situation better next time I only want to hear the good so I actually look forward to seeing family the rare times I do get to see them. You're so fortunate you're close enough and actually do the work to take advantage of opportunities to see them! That in itself is a good story. Wanted to text so I didn't forget."

Just realized I didn't need to blog any of this since I dealt with the situation head on. Funny how negative aspects can drag you down into indecisiveness and  not confronting the situation. Glad I've had this almost six month break from constantly hearing negativity to gain some perspective on how enjoyable life is  without that negativity. Also I'm glad I heard a friend say just recently that she feels like venting in the moment is emotional abuse. It's one thing to take a step back, try and figure out a situation, and go to trusted friends for advice, it's another to completely to dump all your emotions on someone in the moment so you can feel bette while you've transferred all your negative energy elsewhere, hence the emotional abuse, and at the same time done nothing to better your situation. Since I've stopped venting in the moment, I have been able to confront difficulties head on so much quicker and reasonably than when I felt like I had to stew and vent before I dealt with the situation and did what needed to be done. Granted there are still situations in my life I am choosing to stew and vent over and have chosen to do so instead of deal with the situation head on. Those are the only areas of my life where I feel like I haven't done the right thing and where I still have that yukky feeling almost like a weight I'm lugging around.

Jobs biography part 3

"Nature loves simplicity and unity." So did Steve Jobs.

Legacy, pg 561

"Someone whose insights come out of the blue and require intuition more than mere mental processing power. Like a pathfinder, he could absorb information, sniff the winds, and sense what lay ahead."

Legacy, pg 566

"Some people say, "Give the customers what they want." But that's not my approach. Our job is to figure out what they're going to want before they do. I think Henry Ford once said, "If I'd asked customers what they wanted, they would have told me, 'A faster horse!'" People don't know what they want until you show it to them. That's why I never rely on market research. Our task is to read things that are not yet on the page."

Legacy, pg 567

"The reason that Apple resonates with people is there's a deep current of humanity in our innovation."

Legacy, pg 567

"I think great artists and great engineers are similar, in that they both have a desire to express themselves. In fact some of the best people working on the original Mac were poets and musicians on the side... Great artists like Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo were also great at science."

Legacy, pgs 567-568

Legacy, pg 570

Falling down around me

Just wrote a huge post and my phone died. Ugh. Here goes retyping.

My sisters dealing with long term affects from an accident back in December. So much so my Mom's coming out to take care of her. Which has me worried, my moms no spring chicken. The awesome lacrosse coach Justin worked with just got cancer. Brando's brother isn't talking to me and removed me from his Facebook. Brando's mom suggested I get on anti-depressants (in defense of her son, but the wrong son).

At least my sister and I made up when I finally called to talk. We agreed things would be different, like I wouldn't put up with her negativity about her family.  Except when I told her about my mom coming out, she was pissed off my mom couldn't babysit her kids, no concern for my mom, no concern for my sister.

Not to mention I'm dealing with feeling like an empty nester already. Justinbustin's fourteen and been gone the first week and a half of summer already. Shawners been gone from 9-12 at vbs or volunteering.

I'm already the old lady going back to school. And really I have no desire to after having kids. Everything else pales in comparison. Not arguing people do good with their educations and educate others (dr r in the house), or work on their career before they have kids.

I have zero motivation to work, go to school, clean house, cook, anything but volunteer for the boys school, eat at fun places, sleep with Brandon, work on photos, and support opportunities for the boys.

I feel like when babies are around, there's always a reason to smile. Brando's a hard sell these days, Justin doesn't want to babysit, and Shawners wants a little brother or sister. Babies are what I do, plus I want my kiddos to have lots of siblings.

Feel like a total loser right now.

Transition time

Schools about to let out for summer. A huge transition time for me. And a major trigger for depression and anxiety for me. Oh boy.

Holy crap

This is what I've felt all along but never seen put into words.

More on exercise

Not sure how technical a 'skinny fat body' is... But definitely want to do more research on this. Justin does weights and running every morning at school, which I'm not necessarily on board with. I met a Mom in the waiting room for Shawner's arm that had her 13 year old in there for the same reason but also had brought him in prior because his muscles were so tense from sports and working out they weren't growing with his bones when he got his growth spurt. She mentioned the doctors see a LOT of this these days with all the sports and working out the kids are doing.

Interesting

Exercise addiction... Wonder what the dopamine level is on exercise. If you didn't read my dopamine post on PSD, this is one of the reasons this interests me.

Yearbook ugh

WHY am I still having dreams/semi-nightmares about the yearbook?! Seriously!! I can still put photos that didn't make it into the slideshow. Besides I didn't leave a restricted kid in and THAT'S the big deal, not leaving a kid out. The principal, PTA president, every single grade, and each club chair signed off on it when I ran it by them. Why can't I let it go?!?!?!

Jobs biography continued

Couldn't use my phone to take note as I read today as I was volunteering as a state test monitor at Justinbustin's school, so tried to remember what I wanted to go back and find to write down:

*if you have to have a slide presentation, you don't know your information well enough

*three clicks is all you should have to do to get to the information you want

*white is sophisticated and quiet, bold and dominating

*if you aren't doing what you do for people like your family then you won't low what you're doing

*don't be afraid of cannibalizing yourself - if you don't someone else will

*darn I wish I could remember the last one but don't!!

Reading continued later:

Bono, in regards to collaborating with Jobs on a limited iPod, and comparing Steve to a lead singer in a band, "These men have helped design the most beautiful art object in music culture since the electric guitar. The job of art is to chase ugliness away." p. 423

Jobs, on Yo-Yo Ma playing Bach on the cello in Jobs' living room, "You playing is the best argument I've ever heard for the existence of God, because I don't really believe a human alone can do this" p. 425

Texts

Milestone.

Shawners has a girlfriend. If, by girlfriend, you mean a girl he has already asked to next year's middle school dance, and asked her to sit next to him on the bus.

As usual, parenting my boy's causes me to take a long hard look at how I support and react to friends and their issues. In this case, especially single friends. I've been thinking on how I support friends in their relationships for awhile any. Mostly because it seems when I stop getting involved or giving advice that's when they find their 'one', get married, and live happily ever after (okay, we all know happily ever after is work, but work well worth the effort). Reason not meaning causation, as the causation could solely be the fact friends step away when they do find the one, not finding the need to be involved because their 'one' is fulfilling a lot of that. Either way, I do realize that when friends are in relationships I put a LOT of focus on their relationships, mostly invited and more often than not requested focus. However, I am realizing that, alone, can be so destructive to their relationship, invited or not. No relationship should be the focus of ANYone's life, much less the focus of their friends for them.

I was reading through Shawners texts with the girl he likes yesterday - all seventy-two text pages of:

Him: Hi
Her: Hi
Him: What are you doing?
Her: Reading. What are you doing?
Him: Taking the dogs potty.
Her: Cool.
Him: You say cool a lot. Is it because you don't know what else to say?
Her: I don't know. I guess so.
Him: K. Gtg
Her: Ok talk to you later

in between him asking her offhandedly about going to the dance next year and her saying yes, devising a plan for the two of them to sit together on the bus for their field trip today, and mentioning another guy is mad at him because the other guy likes her, too.

I realized all of his texts, and hers, were very respectful. I decided to focus on that, instead of being mad that he was hiding texting her from me - and Face Timing - the new phone these days. Had I not scoured Justinbustin's iTouch the other day and discovered at least twenty different social media apps I had NO IDEA about that various friends of his had posted videos from class doing school projects, etc., on, I may have freaked out a bit more. I feel like I'm calming down a bit about social media and realizing this is the new format for kids. They're still kids, and you still have to teach them character regardless, and this is just the new way they express themselves. It's still passing notes, staying on the phone til' 3am in the morning, and taking silly pictures. Just online. Weird, but today's day and age. And, who am I kidding? I've met some of the most amazing people and some of my closest friends through the internet, along with maintaining so many relationships that would have otherwise fallen completely by the wayside.

As I started reading his texts, and after begging for his iTouch back and realizing I wasn't going to give it back, he went outside to play, I'm sure wholly embarrassed. When I was done reading, I went outside to water my plants. He calls me from his Go Phone and says, "Mom, when and if I come home, are you mad at me?" I say no. When he does come home, I tell him, "Shawners, I want to talk to you. You were very respectful, and I agree talking to your Dad is a wise idea if you have any questions. That's all I have to say." I mentioned the part about talking to Dad because he had texted her, I'm thinking I'll tell my Dad.

Yesterday evening, I prayed his focus in any relationship would be on God, and not on the relationship itself. He turned away from me, and I asked if he was upset with me. He says, "No. Did you read ALL the texts?" I replied, "Yes. You know me, I'm a crazy reader." Pretty sure, he was thinking about the dance at that moment, but I didn't ask.

Ironically, I was text updating Brando the entire time I was reading through his texts. After I'd told Shawners he was respectful and that's all I have to say, Brando's text advice was to tell him he sounds respectful. Love when he and I fall on the same page.

I'm actually kind of relieved. He's been talking a lot about being small, and I wanted to make sure being small didn't hinder his confidence. His Dad is on the shorter side but doesn't let being so affect him at all. I am relieved to know Shawners is following the same path.

Lord, lead me on this because I'm leaning on you!!

I'll post some of Shawners texts in another post from my phone. They are too cute not to preserve, although they may not stay up forever.

Constant state of panic in the car after Friday's incident. Gonna have to go to counseling for this one.

Wow what a week

Pretty sure I have 100% decided I am A-ok spending every single one of our spring breaks in Cali. This was way too crazy of a week for me. Looking forward to some chill time this weekend. SXSW, you will have to be happy with interactive and film, music will have to wait til next year.

So grateful to have my son with me tonight. What a crazy, scary experience this afternoon that could've ended up a LOT worse. Grateful to have my son back, a little bruised, with glass in his hair, an hurting in different places that keep moving all over, but here. Conscious, clean CAT scan, and his happy, go-lucky self who requested I use the lice comb to remove the shards of glass from his hair, and along with it pulled out the burnt ends of his hair. Who knew a lice comb was multi-purpose? Praying both he and my sister recover quickly. My sister was in a lot more pain, and the doctors told her she would continue to be in more pain the next few days. Justinbustin likely, too, but not as bad.

Spring break

Quite an eventful week so far. Kicked off with a Thursday night SXSW party, continued with three SXSW interactives on Saturday, Costco shopping Sunday, helping someone move Monday, hiking Enchanted Rock and my sisters birthday Tuesday, and taking the kids BMXing today. Oh, yeah, and two of those nights Justin spent elsewhere, the other three he had a friend at our house for the nights.. I'm exhausted! I remember the days I used to list every tiny accomplishment because it felt like SO MUCH when I had little ones around to care for 24/7. Now I do a hundred times that in one day because my littles care for themselves in one day, but still it doesn't feel like much. Nothing feels as purposeful as when I'm doing something for my kiddos, which used to be all the time. Now it's in different ways and still 24/7 but not directly.

Facebook blogging

Ha! I found a way to "blog" my facebook posts... or at least make them visible to blogger friends and other extremely close friends. Since I made the photo list for my Hawaii photos to be visible to, now I just choose that list when I do a post I'd otherwise make "Only Me". So excited!

I Caved.

I'm sick of people comparing their behind the scenes to my highlight reel. Especially when I record them so well and in such detail. My Hawaii photos? I caved to people's insecurities and have made them my own. They're only visible to those reading this (let me know if they're not, and I'll change that), and a few close friends who've requested to see the photos. I use fb for scrapbooking purposes so I really don't care for everyone to see my photos any way. Maybe I should post pictures of the dirty laundry piles like Alyssa, or in my case the pile of clean laundry all over our bed waiting to be folded that ends up getting shoved off back into clean laundry baskets at the end of the night so we can go to bed, along with the corners of things to be decluttered... I had a blog for that once. :) As Alyssa puts it so well, though, and I've said before, who wants to remember the negative? Not I. Therefore, I only take photos in happy moments, and I only post happy moments - the things I *want* to remember.

Adrenaline pumping through my veins

Took a photo of the fifth graders at Shawner's school this morning in a 2020 formation for Class of 2020 for the yearbook today. Brando was up on the roof of the school to take the photo using a donated ladder from Home Depot and the vice principal taking the ladder away once he got up there from the other side of the school so nobody else got any ideas, two other moms and I laid out paper towels duct taped to the ground for the kids to stand on to get in place, then the kids picked up when they were in place for their photo. I had one mom there coaching the kids to go class by class to their number, then on what to do from there from what I relayed to her from what Brando relayed to me on the phone while he's observing up on the roof. Felt like organizing a Macy's Day parade!!! Crazy, but oh so fun, and now adrenaline is rushing through my body making my body shake and feel on edge. Whew!! Can't believe we pulled it off. Now can't wait to see what Brando does with final photos. Saw the initial ones and LOVE them, but can't wait to see his edits that make them even a hundred times better.

Deadline Month

Anybody else not get hungry at. all. and think food tastes like sandpaper when stressed? Having to force myself to eat with this deadline coming up. Things like below make doing this almost worth everything though. What really makes all this worth doing is the whole learning process and the amazing people in our PTA who are amazing wives, mothers, friends, amazing role models, and an inspiration to work with.

Yes.