Church

I am SO SICK of the concept of church. I love going and hearing what has to be said, but I literally despise feeling the pressure of having to conform to how others are inside the church. The pressure messes with my head, my marriage, and who I am.

I'm not sure when this happened. Actually, I am. When Brando's "friends" turned on us and judged us for everything they're worth. Recently, I had another "friend" judge me for not going to church, which I confronted her about. Then, circumstances came together and we went to church. What happens? We're fighting constantly, I'm cranky and yelling, and we had the worst fight we've had since our first or second year of marriage with the cops coming out. All stupid, stupid stuff. I realize it's not church, persay, it's the pressure that's getting to my head. It's almost like I'm in a movie and the camera spins around dizzily as I hear voices of people who aren't saying anything but secretly judging, "You don't come to small group. You don't serve enough. You're not good enough." Sounds creepy, but if it could be put in a film, that's probably what it would look like.

I've finally found my niche in serving at the schools, going to prayer group with amazing ladies, and being decent at home, and going to church throws that all off. I've been to prayer group once in the last three weeks, I've been ugly to my kids, and Brando and I are at odds most of the time when we're not realizing how stupid we're being.

People talk and talk and talk about community, how important it is to go to church to have "community". I'm sorry, church "community" is the fakest community I've ever met. People are more shallow there than anywhere else I've seen. You see them every week, they ask how you are, they act like they care, and then during the week, who's there? Not them. The friends and community cultivated outside of church are there.

The lady who "judged" me for not going to church has not ONCE tried to reach out to me to be any sort of "community". I've reached out to her several times, and have finally given up seeing how she reaches out to others - anyone but me, and sits there and judges me instead. I get it. During her lonely times in her life, church made her feel like she had community. Does she think the way she lives works for everyone? Apparently. And she practices what she preaches, too. I guess she only offers the gift of her community to those attending church.

Do I sound bitter? I'm not. Okay, maybe I am. Maybe it's these stupid sedation drugs wearing off, or the Advil I'm pumped up on. We didn't go to church yesterday as we were at the urgent care finding out Shawner's wrist is fractured. And you know what? It was a relief. A relief not to feel the pressure of everybody around me telling me who I should be. I want to listen to God. And that's it.

Brando says we could go to church, hear the message, and leave, and create our involvement and our community elsewhere. Which I totally agree, except I'd be suppressing myself in how I love to meet new people. Unfortunately, as a result, perceived pressure still builds in my head, messes with my outlook, and I allow it to turn me into a nightmare, expecting myself and everyone else around me to be a certain way, too.