Change my ways

Today I realized when I tell Justin "don't push your brothers buttons" when he is a volunteer leader for Shawners vbs group I am essentially telling him that is exactly what I expect him to do. Thank God my sister was on call and available and gave me the words to tell him, "I retract my earlier statement and say instead I trust you to be mature, to be the responsible one, to be the adult, and I trust you to be a good teacher." The beaming smile on his face was worth my fumbling inadequacies as a mother earlier and my own slap in the face realization that I had previously told him, "I don't expect you to do well, I expect you to push your brother's buttons and therefore I am telling you not to." What a world of difference a choice of words makes.

Today I change my ways to tell my boys all the great things I expect of them, but instead of in my mind, outloud, in the form of "I trust you" to do exactly what I expect they will do in my mind. Which is, to be great leaders, to be men of great decision, great character, great morals, gigantic heart. As Brando's Opa once said about Brando, "He is kind in his soul." I believe all these things of my boys, and today I change my ways to tell them so in the form of "I trust you" to do this.

I feel so strange coming to this realization, almost born again. Like a revelation has been revealed to me, a veil lifted from my eyes on how to trust my boys and develop them into the leaders I so desperately fall asleep every night crossing my fingers and toes desiring them to be.

And because I love how Teagan always puts things to songs, these are the two songs that come to mind thinking about this. The first one I thought of immediately when I thought of the title for this post. The second I thought of as I typed the first sentence in the paragraph before this, and also happens to be a song that helped carry me through the last month of craziness.

Mumford and Sons - The Cave

especially:
"I know my call despite my faults"
"But I will hold on hope"

"And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

"You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land"



Florence and the Machines - No Light No Light -


Especially:


"it's so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love,
To say it to you out loud"


and


"Tell me what you want me to say
You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it's a conversation,"